


Tortured Souls

by Two_Roads_And_A_Penny



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Genre: Angst, Drama, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Torture, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-17 20:50:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 178,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10601988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Roads_And_A_Penny/pseuds/Two_Roads_And_A_Penny
Summary: The leader. The protector. The healer. The heart. They all have their own strengths. And every strength can be made a weakness. They will feel weak. They will feel pain. They will feel loss. And then they'll feel nothing. Then they'll know... then they'll have my permission to die.





	1. Preview

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at a fan fiction. Fair warning, I'm awful at endings.

Silence. 

Dead silence. 

Nobody moved. Nobody breathed. 

Footsteps.

He was coming. His metal boots clanging against the concrete floor, shattering the stillness of the air.

Leonardo stood and listened, his eyes narrow. “He’s back.” The words jostled his 2 brothers from their thoughts, forcing them to stand in anticipation. 

In fear. 

The door opened as the footsteps entered the room, echoing through the hall. 

The brothers held their breath. 

He moved with such confidence, an air of dominance radiating from his every strut. 

Leo glared, eyes locked on his enemy. “Where is he?” His voice a low growl.

Eyes turned to him, dancing with arrogance. “Anxious to see you all, I’m sure.” With a nod of his head, the cell beside Leo was opened. “Bring him in.”

Foot soldiers came into view, dragging a body behind them. 

Watching in satisfaction, a small smile crept behind his metal mask as all eyes left him to stare at the body. All except Leonardo’s. 

The eldest glowered, eyes fiery with contempt. Anger. 

“Leadership is influence. Look where yours has led them.” Turning to leave, he couldn’t help a small, wicked chuckle at the 3 ninjas, all staring at him with tempered defiance. 

The door slam rang in the brothers’ ears as they tried not to allow their emotions to get the better of them. Anger, exhaustion, pain.

Fear. 

“Leo, is he—“

“I don’t know.” He listened a moment. “I-… I can’t hear him breathing…”

“No…” 

Mikey couldn’t take it. He grabbed the bars in front of him, staring at his brother as he called his name, desperate to hear a response. “Raph? RAPH!”

Silence. 

Dead silence.


	2. Enter the Plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those wondering, I picture this going down in a turtle world that’s all my own: the live action turtles from the 2014/16 movies, but with the back-story from the 2012 cartoon, and the grittiness of the IDW comics. You know… how the live action movies should have been.

“Raph? RAPH!” Mikey tried once more to reach his brother, the desperation in his voice ringing out through the halls. “RAAAAPH!!”

“What!?” Raph looked at his brother with frantic worry, fearing the worst.

“Dude, pizza’s here! And Master Splinter says we don’t eat till everyone’s there! Come on!” Mikey was very serious about pizza.

Raph stood, frozen in shock at his brother’s stupidity. Hearing how intense Mikey sounded had made him barrel out of his room, sai in hand, ready for an attack. And it was all for pizza… “That idiot.”

“Called Raph, he’s coming, can we eat now!?” Mikey barreled through his sentence almost as fast as he barreled into the room. He was already reaching for a slice of pizza when Splinter halted his hand.

“Patience Michelangelo.”

Mikey pulled his hand back slowly, staring at his Sensei with a pout.

“Yeah numb-nuts, patience.” Raphael growled, smacking Mikey across the head as he walked past to his seat. Mikey’s quick “ow” as he rubbed his head was enough retribution for Raph at the moment.

All eyes turned to Splinter as they waited for the go ahead to eat their food.

“You are free to eat, my sons.”

“Alright!!” Mikey barely waited for Splinter to finish his sentence before snagging the first slice, gulping it down, and reaching for a second.

Raphael smacked his hand out of the way, grabbing the slice he’d been aiming for. “Save some for the rest of us, pizza-breath.”

“Leave him alone Raph.”

“Stay out of it Leo!”

“There’s no need to overreact.”

“And there’s no need for you to stick your nose in my business.”

“It’s not your business, it’s our business. We’re brothers and that means we—“

“Oh can it mister high-and-mighty! Is it even possible for you to go a day without lecturing?”

“Only if it was possible for you to go a day without doing something stupid?”

Raphael growled, his hands balled into fists as he stood to face his brother.

“Here we go again…” Donatello sighed.

“Fiiiiight!” Mikey shouted, ringing an imaginary bell. At the cue, Raphael charged, knocking his brother backwards. Leo quickly recovered, elbowing Raph in the shoulder to break free from his grip, following with a swift kick to his stomach. Raphael was thrown against the table, knocking the pizza towards the edge.

“That’s it!” Raph huffed, whipping out his sai as Leo unsheathed his katanas. “Let’s dance, Fearless!”

Donatello sat at the shifted table, eating his pizza and doing his best to ignore his brothers. “Sensei, aren’t you going to stop them?” He asked as a piece of pipe and some rubble crashed to the ground beside them.

Splinter cupped his hands behind his back, patiently watching his sons battle. “Plugging a volcano will only make it erupt with more ferocity.” He paused. “Besides, it seems as though Raphael is in need of letting off some steam.” And Leonardo was always in the mood to train, so it worked well for the both of them. “Do not worry, my son. They won’t harm anything.”

The instant he finished speaking, a crash sent a plume of dust down on his head. Splinter gave a slight sigh as Donnie smiled to himself. “Well someone should at least salvage the pizza.” He reached for the half eaten pie to save it from falling off the table when Mikey swiped it away.

“On it bro.” And the pizza was devoured in nearly one gulp. Donnie shook his head as Mikey burped in satisfaction. “Ahh… “

“Mik—“ Donnie was cut short by an alarm at his computer. He ran to the monitor, punching a key to pull up a map of New York.

“Donatello, what is it?” Splinter called from the main room.

“Break in at the Bank of America in lower Manhattan.”

“Purple Dragons again?” Leo chimed in, holding a hand up to stop Raph from charging him again. Raph huffed out his nostrils- they would be finishing this later.

“Looks like Foot soldiers.”

“Robbing banks isn’t usually Shredder’s style.” Leo walked closer to see the monitor.

Mikey shrugged. “The guy must be strapped for cash.”

“Yeah, too many Foot soldier medical bills.” Raph and Mikey exchanged a high five.

“Whatever the reason, we’re not gonna learn anything standing around here.” Leo turned to Splinter who gave a slight nod.

“Go my sons.”

“Booyah!” Mikey shouted as they raced to the surface. Splinter could hear them arguing as they left the lair:

“Booyah? I thought your thing was ‘cowabunga’?”

“People change, bruh! Gotta learn to keep up with the times; go with the flow, and be in the know!”

“Since when are you ever ‘in the know’ of anything?”

“Hey, Donnie knows I’m a secret genius! He said so last week when I found the remote!”

“Emphasis on the secret.”

“Come on Raph! Donnie, you think I’m super smart, right?”

“Umm…”

“Don’t answer that Donnie, it’s a trap.”

As the voices faded down the sewer, Splinter smiled after his sons, their spirit and passion never failing to warm his heart. “Be safe.”

 

* * *

 

Walking through the cells, he inspected each one, testing every lock.

“Everything built to your specifications, Master. The locks are biometrically activated, the cells have video and audio feeds, and the entire room is temperature controlled from the main computer.”

Eyes narrow, he folded his hands behind his back. “Then the time has come.”

A long pause drew the air thin.

“…Master?” The soldier finally dared break the silence.

“Prepare my army, we begin tonight.”

“Hai!”

Clutching something in his hand, he breathed deep, taking comfort in the cold desolation of his makeshift prison. “Soon… “ Grabbing the cell door nearest him, he pictured the suffering that would happen in this room: the pain, the guilt, the loss. He smiled.

“It will all be over soon…”

He slammed the door shut.

 

* * *

 

“Whooo! Winner winner, chicken dinner!” Raph threw a hand up victoriously as he landed on the rooftop first. Leo, Donnie, then Mikey followed, all shaking their heads.

“Man, I had that race! You were all eating shell until that water tower jumped out of nowhere!” Mikey whined, rubbing his head where he’d been hit.

“It’s your fault for turning around to be smug.”

“Cocky, Donnie. The word you’re looking for is cocky.” Leo added, walking past his youngest brothers to face Raph. “Well then, how about it big-shot?”

Raph smirked, basking in the glory of his victory over his brothers. Over Leo. “Alright… anyone wanna venture a guess?” He stared his older brother down.

“Sorry Leo, tough break man.” Mikey said, assuming he knew who Raph was picking.

“Mikey’s on cleaning duty.” Raph pointed at his youngest sibling while still holding his stare with Leo.

“What!? Why me!? I thought—“

“You and your loud mouth been getting me in trouble lately. Consider this payback.”

Donnie chuckled. “Tough break Mikey.”

A crash from below brought the turtles back to the job at hand. Peering over the edge of the building, they saw Foot soldiers clamoring into a black van after loading something in the back.

“That’s it!? Four Foot soldiers? Dudes, I could take them out in my sl--!“ All three brothers hushed Mikey in unison.

“Since when do the Foot travel so light?” Raph asked, holding his hand over his youngest brother’s face to keep him quiet.

“Whatever they’re here for, it looks like they got it.” Donatello observed.

“We can still catch them if we—“ Another alarm sounded on Donnie’s watch, interrupting Leo. “What now?”

“Another break in, this time at the Natural History Museum.”

“First a bank and now a museum? What’s Shredder doing- Foot soldier field trips?” Raph felt Mikey’s tongue against his hand and snapped it away from his face, wiping it on Donnie’s shoulder.

“He’s splitting his forces. That’s why there are so few here. Whatever he’s after, he must need it pretty bad.” Leo figured it was the only reason he’d rush into two robberies in the same night.

“Could be a turf war. Word on the street is that the Purple Dragons and the Foot have been at each other’s throats lately.” Or so Donnie had seen in the news the past few weeks.

“Uh, Dudes, looks like they’re taking their show on the road.” They watched the van start up and begin driving down the street.

“If Shredder’s splitting up, so should we.” Leo turned to his brothers. “You three go to the museum, I’ll handle the van.”

“Whatever you say, bro!”

“Call us if you need back-up.” Donnie said, pointing to Leo’s phone.

“You mean when he needs back-up.” Raph jabbed.

“Dudes, race is on!” Mikey hush-shouted, jumping to the adjacent building.

“Last one there’s a moldy slice of pizza!”

Mikey gasped. “Dude! Don’t even joke about things like that! Who would let pizza get moldy?!”

“Statistically, there’re actually 2 slices thrown out for every 6 pizza’s eaten in…”

Leo was too far away to hear the rest of Donnie’s sentence. Following the van, he found his opportunity to stop it at a nearby construction site.

“Time to see what you’re up to, Shredder.” Leo mumbled to himself. Pulling throwing stars from his belt, he threw them at the van’s tires, piercing both on the right hand side. The van stumbled, eventually flipping on it’s side and skidding to a halt right in front of a sleeping bulldozer. No movement inside. Leo looked around, waiting a few more moments- why had no one emerged yet? None of this was adding up, but what kind of trap could Shredder set with four Foot soldiers.

He approached the car, katanas at the ready. No one behind the wheel, or in the passenger’s seat. Taking a quick, steadying breath, he gripped his katanas and sliced the back doors open, ready for an attack.

“What the—?” He gaped at the empty van before him. There was no one: no soldiers, no ambush, not even the bags of whatever they’d been loading back at the bank. Backing away from the van, Leo shook his head; this couldn’t be good. Pulling out his phone, he called his brother.

“Leo?”

“Donnie.”

“Not to worry Leo, we got it all covered!”

“There was no one in the van. Something’s going on here, and I get the feeling we’re walking right into it. Wait— Got what covered?”

“There were 2 other break-in’s on our way to the museum, so Raph and Mikey split off to take care of them.” Silence on the other end. “…Leo?”

“We’re being separated. Someone’s trying to thin out the herd.” Leo took a moment to think of their next move. “Where did the other two go?”

“Raph went to the Subway station at Times Square and Mikey to an antique shop near Central Park.”

“Call them back. We’re walking into a trap.”

“On it!”

“And Donnie, be quick- Mikey in an antique shop is a disaster we don’t need tonigh— AAH!”

“Leo? Leo!?! Leo, you there!?”

The blue masked ninja heard his brother through the phone as it dropped to the ground out of reach. He’d been attacked from behind by 2 Foot soldiers who pinned him on his stomach, and stabbed some sort of needle in shoulders. Mentally chastising himself for not paying better attention, Leo wasted no time recovering, spinning himself around and knocking the Foot off him.

He stood, pulling a needle from each shoulder before readying his swords at his sides.

Someone was behind him.

He twirled around, connecting the back of his fist with a face. With a loud thud, a Foot soldier that had been invisible to the eye a moment ago appeared from nowhere, now unconscious on the ground.

Cloaking technology. Now it all made sense. But when did Shredder get his hands on cloak-tech?

Leonardo centered himself, widening his stance as he felt the presence of dozens more soldiers appear on the construction site. All cloaked.

Twirling a sword in hand, he couldn’t help but smirk. “If that’s the way you wanna play it.” He turned his mask sideways so the material covered his eyes, blocking out his vision. “Bring it!”

The Foot swarmed.

Leo blocked a dagger coming for his shoulder, sliding the back of his sword down to connect with the owner’s face. He kicked another in the chest, leaning back to avoid an oncoming roundhouse. A Foot got lucky and grabbed him from behind, but Leo ducked a punch, grabbing the soldier by the head on his way down, and threw him over his shell into the other adversary. He swirled, kicked, and swung his swords, connecting with every attack he made.

He felt slower- his swords felt heavy and his kicks weren’t landing with the same punch they normally did. The Foot didn’t seem to be taking advantage of it.

Suddenly the dizziness hit him, his defense becoming sloppy as the world spun around him. What had they stuck him with? A soldier landed a hard kick to his plastron, sending him flying backwards into a steel pillar.

Something was off. The drugs, the cloaking, the whole trap; they’d caught him off guard and could have done some serious damage by now if they’d wanted to. The Foot normally fought to kill, but these attacks were more subdued. The realization was like a slap in the face:

This wasn’t seek-and-destroy, it was bait-and-trap. They were trying to capture them alive!

He had to warn the others.

Standing and shaking his head, he grabbed the arm of a soldier winding up for a punch and flung him around in a circle to swat the other incomers like flies. With a gap in the action, he twisted his mask back around, grabbed his phone and scrambled back to the rooftops. “Donnie? Donnie, come on, pick up!” No answer. He tried Mikey and Raph to the same result.

Leo shook his head again, the dizziness nearly overpowering. He was losing feeling in his legs, and his vision was blurring more by the second. He had to warn his brothers. “Come on Raph— Pick up!”

Someone to his left. But he could move fast enough to— “AH!” The kick connected with his head and he hit the ground hard, skidding across the rooftop.

Leonardo coughed, feeling the wind knocked out of him. He groaned as he rolled over trying to get back on his feet, only to be knocked down again by a hard slam against his shell. Fighting desperately to keep his eyes open, he saw metal boots come to a stop in front of him.

Leonardo looked up at his assailant.

“Shredder.”

“Konban wa, Turtle.” Leo glared as Shredder raised a fist.

Everything went black.

 

* * *

 

“Master.”

Shredder put the object away, turning to face his subordinate. “Is it done?”

“Yes Master, the turtle is in the cell.”

“And what of his brothers?”

“All accounted for. They await your arrival.”

“Good.” Shredder turned back out to look over the city. The sky darkened as a rain clouds threatened to thunder on the horizon. Shredder balled his hands into fists, feeling the adrenaline coursing through them.

“The pawns are in place. It is time to dethrone the king.”


	3. Trapped

Leo heard voices. Distant voices.

His brothers. They were arguing over something, as usual. Something about locks and cells… a trap…

Shredder! Leo jolted upright, remembering their encounter. His eyes still slightly blurred as he tried to focus on his surroundings. Where were they?

“Well look who decided to join the party.”

Raph. Raph was caught too.

“Mornin’ sleeping beauty.”

Mikey. He didn’t sound hurt at all.

“You alright Leo? You were out for a while there."

“I’m ok Donnie.” He said, holding his head as he sat up. “Looks like the gang’s all here.” And thankfully, not hurt. But where was ‘here’? Looking around the room as his vision finally focused, Leo took stock of their situation:

They were in a cement room with six prison cells, three on each side. Only one door in or out. No windows. Donnie and Mikey occupied the two cells farthest from the door on the left, with Raph and himself directly across. The cells were all cement with heavy iron bars separating each one, and some sort of scanner for a lock. Leo noticed everyone had thick metal bracelets on their wrists and ankles. What were those for?

“Any idea where we are?”

“Near the ocean somewhere. You can smell the saltwater.”

“Great job, Donnie. That narrows it down to only 75% of the planet.” Raph’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

“67% actually. 4% of earth’s water is fresh or glacial water, not salt. And if you factor in the areas in the North and South poles that are uninhabitable, it would actually be closer to—“

“Forget I asked.” Leo looked around at his brothers, shoving aside the guilt that boiled to the surface; now wasn’t the time for that.

“So Fearless, any ideas on how to get out of here?” Raph asked, knowing his brother had to be concocting something already.

“I’m working on it.”

The turtles all jolted as the door suddenly opened, eight Foot soldiers emerging, posting two to a cell. Leo took note that the door was not only made of metal, but at least 5 inches thick. They wouldn’t be busting it down in an escape attempt. His thoughts were interrupted as their capture entered the room.

“Shredder.” Leo glared.

Cold eyes narrowed at the turtles, sizing them up. “It’s time we begin. Start with that one.” He pointed at Raph.

The red-masked turtle smirked. “Oh you want a piece of this? Come and get it, chrome-dome!” He took a ready stance, fists anxious to fire.

Shredder hovered a finger over a button on his wrist.

“Raph don’t!” Leo shouted from his cell.

Raph let out a battle cry as he charged the two Foot who opened his cell. He knocked one into the other, sending them both flying into the wall, then turned to charge the others.

Shredder pushed the button.

Suddenly the cuffs on Raph’s wrists exploded with electricity, sending a shock down his arms and through his spine. The pain caught him off guard and he let out a cry.

“Raph!” Mikey grabbed the bars in front of him, trying to get to his brother.

Raphael fell to the floor, breathing heavy as he tried to shake off the numbness all over his body.

“Any one else care to try?” The turtles stood silent, glaring at Shredder. He couldn’t help a slight sneer- exactly as expected. “You refuse to come quietly—“ the Foot threw Raph back in his cell before he could recover. “—then I will choose another.” He barely hesitated before pointing a finger at Mikey. “That one.”

“Who, me?” Mikey asked, backing away from the bars.

“What!?” Raph sat up, still dizzy from the shock.

Shredder pushed another button and the cuffs on Mikey’s wrists and ankles pulled together like magnets, forcing him to fall. The young ninja struggled to pull them apart, but to no avail.  

“Leave him alone!” Raph shouted, grabbing the bars in front of him as 2 Foot began dragging Mikey away.

Shredder simply turned “You had your chance.”

Raph’s eye’s widened. “No! You wanted me, take me! Let him go!” Had he known, he wouldn’t have fought! “Mikey!” He tried to reach through the bars for his brother.

Mikey didn’t know what to do- he couldn’t move to fight, and even if he could, Shredder would probably shock him like he did Raph. He looked to his eldest brother as he was dragged out the room, eyes begging for help. “Leo!!” 

The door slammed shut, Mikey’s cries for help echoing through the room, taunting the remaining turtles. 

“Oh man, this is bad.” Donnie fret, sitting down against the wall with a hand to his head.

Raph shouted as he slammed his fists against the bars in front of him. What had he done? If he’d known Shredder would take someone else, he never would have fought! Now they had Mikey… and it was his fault! He shouted again, throwing his fists at whatever was in front of him, his cries of anger ringing out in the room. “That metal-headed coward! When I get my hands on him, I’ll—“

“Calm down Raph.”

“Calm down!” Raph gawked at his older brother. “Calm down!?! We’re trapped in cages, with no clue where we are, no way to escape, and now our mortal enemy has our baby brother and is doing God-knows-what to him while we just sit here, staring at the concrete and twiddling our thumbs!!! Don’t tell me to calm down!!!”

Leo waited a moment as he watched his brother pace around his cell, anger in his every step. “I know it looks bad, but we’ll find a way out.” He walked to the bars separating his and his brother’s cell. “We can’t let Shredder get in our heads.“

Raph took a calming breath. No way he was letting shred-head get to him. But Mikey…

“So… what do we do Leo?” Donnie was toying with the metal bands on his wrists. “This tech he’s acquired is highly advanced. Whatever he’s planning, it seems he’s thought it through pretty well.”

“That’s another thing.” Raph interjected. “Why’d chrome-dome go to all the trouble of capturing us alive? Since when has he wanted us anywhere but six feet under?”

“Could be that he’s after the mutagen in our blood? Or maybe we’re just bait to lure out Sensei?”

Leo shook his head. “I don’t think so, Donnie.” This was all too elaborate to be as simple as bait. Shredder didn’t need all four of them for that.

“So like Don asked, what do we do Leo?”

“We wait.” Leo said, sitting cross-legged in the middle of his cell. “Whatever Shredder’s planning, it won’t take him long to show his hand. When he does… we’ll be ready.”

Raph huffed in disagreement, slamming his fist against the wall one more time before folding his arms and leaning against the bars. “Fine. We do it your way.” Not that he had a better idea, but he hated sitting and doing nothing.

Donatello nodded, continuing to fiddle with the cuffs on his wrists. If there was a way to get them out of here, he’d find it. He wouldn’t let his brothers down. 

 

* * *

 

Several hours passed. Leonardo hadn’t moved from his spot in the middle of his cell. He’d been meditating, thinking of ways out of their situation, and desperately trying to keep his guilt at bay. It was his fault they were in this mess, his fault Mikey was taken, his— no. He could play the self-pity game when they were home safe. Like he’d told Raph, they couldn’t let Shredder get to them.

Donatello had been fiddling with everything from the lock on his door, to the cuffs on his wrists, and the bars in his cell. He’d been going over every possible way to brake out, but Shredder hadn’t left them many options. The bars were far too thick for even Raph to bend or break, the locks seemed to be biomechanically engineered to the Shredder and his soldiers, and these metal bands were quite a feat of engineering: able to ionize and produce a shock, or magnetize to disable movement. And he wouldn’t be surprised if they were some sort of heart monitor too. Were they not in their current situation, Donnie would be thoroughly impressed.

Raphael seemed to be the only one who’d noticed how much time had passed. He’d been pacing his cell nearly the whole time, stopping only to punch the wall from time to time. He’d watched Donnie as he fiddled with everything in site, and he’d stared –in annoyance- as Leo was able to meditate like they were still back at the lair. How could they stay so calm!? “UGH, That’s it! I can’t take this anymore! There’s gotta be something we can do besides nothin’!”

Leo sighed, opening his eyes to see his brother kick his cell door. “Raph, we’ve been through this. We can’t—“

“Yeah, Yeah, I know! So what- we just sit and wait here until Shredder puts his evil plan into action? That doesn’t sound like a very proactive strategy, Leo!”

“Until we know Shredder’s plan—“

”His plan!? I’ll tell you his plan! He’s going to use us as pin cushions until he gets the information he wants—“ whatever that was. “—and then get rid of us. Starting with Mikey!”

The other two tensed at the mention of their younger brother. To say they were worried would be a grave understatement, but there was nothing they could do for him right now.

“He has been gone a long time…” Donatello mumbled, turning to the main door. What could Shredder possibly be doing to him? The series of scenarios his mind concocted in that moment were enough to make him shudder.

Leo averted his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Mikey can handle it.” He was trying to convince himself almost as much as the others. “He’ll be alright.”

Raph couldn’t stop the images of his youngest brother being beaten from flooding his mind. It was enough to make him want to throw his fist through the wall. He let out a shout, punching the bars to his cell so hard, the echo caused Leo and Donnie to cover their ears. “So we’re back to figuring a way out of here.”

Leo shook his head; they were talking in circles. “We’ve been over this…”

“Well I ain’t over it!”

“What do you want us to do, Raph? As far as I can tell, there is no way out of here!”

“So that’s it? You’re just giving up?! Come on Fearless, you’re supposed to be the leader- lead us outta here!”

“We’re not giving up, we’re waiting to gather more information. It’s called strategy.“

“Guys!” Donnie interrupted, pointing to the door now opening.

A body was thrown threw the door, landing with a thud in the middle of the room.

Mikey.

All three brother’s blood ran cold.

The youngest was unconscious, an enormous gash running down his front, scrapes and bruises all over his body, and blood flowing onto the floor.

Donnie looked in disbelief. “Mikey!”

Leo held the bars in front of him, staring wide-eyed. “Oh no…”

Raph could feel his blood boil, rage growing with every second he stared at his fallen brother. “What. Did. You. DO!?!”

“Made an example of him. This is but a taste of what is yet to come.” Shredder savored the moment, a chuckle escaping his lips as his eyes landed on Leonardo who was staring him down. He bent down and picked up the young turtle by the throat.

Raph lost it. His fists were flying at the bars in front of him, pounding them with such force that Leo could feel the ground in his cell shaking. “DON’T YOU TOUCH HIM!” He shouted, reaching through the bars to tear at anything he could get his hands on.

Shredder simply laughed, throwing Mikey into his cell and heading for the door. He stole one last look at Leonardo whose gaze hadn’t move from him since he entered. He couldn’t wait to watch that strong demeanor crumble under his hand. Soon…

“SHREDDER!!!” Raph’s voice carried enough rage that it made Donnie shudder involuntarily. He’d never heard his brother so angry before. With one last slam of his fist, Raph punched the bars so hard it drew blood from his knuckles. Shredder didn’t even flinch as the door closed behind him.

Alone again, all three brothers were gripping the bars in front of them, staring at their youngest. “Mikey! Mikey, can you hear us?” Leo called from across the room.

Raph was still seething, gripping the bars as though he could tear through them. “Donnie, can you reach him? Is he breathing?” He better damn well still be breathing.

Donatello stretched his hand through the irons separating their cells. “I can’t reach.” He listened a moment. “It’s shallow, but he’s still breathing.” The others let out a sigh of relief. “Mikey? Michelangelo? Come on bro, say something.” He tried once more to reach his brother, but to no avail.

“That bucket-head! When I get my hands on him, I’ll—“

Mikey groaned, a hand coming to his head.

“Mikey!”

“Did anyone get the license plate of the train that hit me?”

“Easy Mikey,” Donatello cautioned as his brother attempted to sit up. “Take it slow. Let me take a look at you.” He motioned for Mikey to come near. The orange-masked ninja plopped against the wall as close to his brother as the cell would allow.

Raph was still gripping the bars in front of him, pissed as hell that he couldn’t bend them out of his way to get to his brother. “Mikey...”

“I’m alright bros.” His weak voice didn’t’ do much to convince them. “It takes more than Shredder to keep the great and powerful Mikey down—Ah!”

“Quit moving.” Donnie had been examining the burns on his arms when Mikey moved and made him touch them.

“How is he, Donnie?” Leo finally asked.

“First degree burns on his arms and hands, some minor cuts and bruises here and there, a mild concussion, and—“ He held a hand over the gash on Mikey’s plastron. It stretched almost all the way from his top left shoulder to his right hip. Fortunately, it was only bleeding at it’s deepest point, in the middle. The ends were superficial and seemed to be burned shut. “I need your sweater.” He pointed to the item around his waist.

Mikey handed over the singed piece of clothing. Donnie looked the sweater over a minute before turning back to his brother. “I’m sorry Mikey, this is going to hurt a bit, but I have to stop the bleeding. Stay as still as you can, ok?” The young turtle nodded, gulping at the thought of more pain. Donnie placed the sweater on the gash, causing Mikey to breath in sharply- it hurt already. “Sorry Mikey.” He pressed the sweater hard on the open wound. Michelangelo couldn’t help a small cry as Donnie took the arms of the sweater and tied them around his shell, pulling tight to keep the pressure.

Raph had turned away- he couldn’t watch. Just hearing Mikey in pain was killing him. It was supposed to be him… it should have been him. He shouldn’ta fought. Shoulda just gone willingly. Should have—

“How ya doing Mikey?” Leo asked, interrupting Raph’s train of thought.

“No sweat bruh! Get it… sweat? ‘Cause it’s a sweater.” His voice was weak and breathy, clearly exhausted, but Leo couldn’t help a smile at the wise-crack.

Donnie looked his brother over once more, satisfied that there was nothing else life threatening, but desperately wishing he had his med kit. Or at least some antiseptic. If they couldn’t clean that wound up soon, it could get infected. And if those burns weren’t treated properly they would scar over. “I think he’ll live.” Albeit in pain.

“Thanks Don.” Mikey said as he leaned his head against the wall. He was exhausted.

The silence that filled the air was tense. All the brothers were still looking to Mikey, making sure he was alright, and all feeling guilt wash over them like a tidal wave. Donnie couldn’t stop staring at the wound on Mikey’s plastron, wondering in fear how Shredder had managed it, and desperate for his med kit so he could fix it. He was supposed to be the doctor and he couldn’t heal his brother; he was supposed to be the tech-wizard and he couldn’t break them out of their cages… he felt so useless…

Leo knew this whole situation was his fault. He’d led his brothers into a trap. It was his idea to split up. He should have seen it coming… should have been good enough to escape and help his brothers. A good leader wouldn’t have gotten them into this mess… a good brother wouldn’t have let them get hurt. He’d failed them…

Raph hadn’t felt anything but shame and anger since getting thrown in his cell. And every time the room filled with silence, his guilt shouted so loudly he could barely hear himself think. He couldn’t take it any longer. “I’m sorry Mikey…”

His quiet apology cut through the silence, abruptly bringing his brother’s from their thoughts. It wasn’t like Raph to apologize.

“Raph?”

“It’s my fault you got hurt…I shouldn’ta fought Shredder. I just—“ He turned away so his shell was to his brothers; he couldn’t bare to look any of them in the eyes. “—I lose it when I see that guy! Every time! I just wanna take that stupid helmet and dent it onto that empty head of his!” He slammed his fist into the wall beside him. “…it shoulda been me.” He suddenly got very quiet. “If I hadn’t been so hot-headed, he’d have taken me instead, and you never woulda gotten hurt.” Raph closed his eyes. Even in situations like this he didn’t find it easy to talk with his brothers so openly, but the guilt was eating him alive. He had to say something. “I’m sorry…”

Silence filled the room once more, making Raph even more uncomfortable than he already was. Mikey finally spoke up. “…I think that’s the first time you’ve apologized without smacking me across the head.”

Raph couldn’t help a small grin. He turned to face his brothers. “Yeah, well… consider it an IOU. I’ll be collecting when we get outta here.”

That seemed to ease the tension a bit. “Dude, it wasn’t your fault. Shredder’s comin’ for all of us.” Mikey’s gaze fell to the floor. “He wants to see how long it’ll take us to break.”

“Oh I’ll break something alright. Just give me one shot.”

“Easy Raph.” Leo put a hand to his chin. So he was testing their metal? Is that what all this was about? No… there had to be more to this. Leonardo needed more information. Right now, their best option for getting out, was to find out why they were here in the first place. “Mikey,” Leo knelt to his brother’s eye level, trying to be as gentle as he could. “Tell us what happened…” The tension in the air returned full force.

“What did Shredder do to you?”

 

* * *

 

The night was dark, clouds covering most of the sky. The rain that started to fall was heavy and thick, dropping to the ground with a loud splash in it’s wake. Thunder began to rumble in the distance. Shredder stood on the roof, unfazed by the rain. Every rain drop that crashed to the ground made him picture his victory over the turtles; picture how they would soon be crushed under his heel. He closed his eyes, enjoying the moment.

“Master Shredder.”

His soldiers appeared behind him but a few second after he signaled. “Report.”

“The turtles are still, Master. They speak and pace, and the red one punches the wall, but none have tried at an escape.”

They were waiting, no doubt following Leonardo’s lead. As expected. Best to keep things moving then. “Prepare the lab. We’re taking another.”

“Which one Master?"

Shredder’s lips curled into a sickening smile. “The red one.”


	4. Strength in Adversity

Mikey awoke with a start, his body aching at the sudden movement.

“Awake at last.” Shredder’s voice sent an involuntary shudder down Mikey’s spine. “Let’s try this one more time.” At the push of a button electricity coursed through Mikey’s body. He lurched, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth to keep from shouting. When the shock stopped Mikey fell limp, gasping for breath. “Still not a sound? I must say turtle… I’m almost impressed.”

Mikey blinked his eyes open, trying not to focus on the pain. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle this... “Isn’t this the part where you tell me your evil plan?” He breathed, trying not to let on how much pain he was in. He actually wouldn’t mind an evil villain monologue right now, because so far he couldn’t figure out why they were here. Shredder hadn’t asked him any questions about the location of Sensei, their lair, or even Karai. All he did was adjust the level of shock, asking which was more painful. The last one had hurt so bad Mikey’d passed out. “No wait, I’m supposed to ask ‘Do you expect me to talk?’ And then you say ‘No Mikey, I expect you to die!’ Or are you going for more of a Batman-style, glare-into-submission thing?”

Shredder wasn’t amused by the turtle’s quip. “Perhaps it’s time we try a more direct approach.”

At Shredder’s signal, a soldier clicked something on his control panel that made the table move to a vertical position, Mikey still splayed on it, unable to free himself from his shackles. The sudden shift made his wrists cry out in pain as they were now holding most of his weight. “It’s not that I wanna tell you how to do your job, I just think this whole bad-cop routine doesn’t work without the good cop, you know?” 

Shredder ignored the young ninja, walking to a wall that held a selection of weapons. He put a hand to his chin, trying to decide what his weapon of choice should be.

“Aw, don’t be like that!” Mikey called in the background. “Don’t walk away! We can work this out! Come on, I didn’t even get a chance to demand my phone call!" 

Shredder picked a katana with a transparent blade from it’s resting spot and looked it over. He twirled it once before turning back to his prey.

Mikey looked at the weapon and then to Shredder. “That’s it? Just a little ol’ katana? Dude, you gotta up your game, bruh! Why not try a laser cannon? Or a rocket launcher!? Or—“

Shredder held the blade to his throat.

“But why mess with the classics, you know? I think I see your point.” He felt the blade cut his flesh ever so slightly.

“You talk too much.” Shredder pulled the blade away from his throat. Mikey breathed a small sigh of relief.

“Make up your mind dude, a minute ago I was too quiet! Help me help you, just tell me what you want!” Mikey couldn’t help a slight ‘eep’ as Shredder suddenly brought the blade to his shoulder.

“What I want?” Turning his grip on the hilt, the sword suddenly grew hot, the transparent blade glowing red. Shredder pulled back only for a moment before striking Mikey across his plastron with full force. Mikey couldn’t stop the shriek of pain that escaped his lips. His body was burning, the pain only growing as Shredder cut across his shoulder to his hip. He cried out, desperate to make the pain stop.

Shredder stepped away as Mikey drooped forward, breathing heavily as he tried to keep from crying in pain again. The villain drew in close, grabbing Mikey by the throat. “I want to break you. All of you.”

Mikey’s eyes widened, his entire body screaming out in pain. He was starting to feel dizzy.

Shredder gripped his throat tighter for a moment before letting go, satisfied he’d gotten the message across. Time for the brother’s to see his handiwork. “Take him to the others.”

Mikey barely heard as Shredder ordered him away, his vision fading.

“The next thing I knew, I was back in here with you guys.” 

The brothers had all gone silent as Mikey recounted his time with Shredder. They all looked at their youngest with guilt in their eyes, upset that they couldn’t have saved him from that suffering. Mikey looked from Donnie to Leo to Raph, wishing they would stop blaming themselves for this.

“Like I said dudes… there was nothing you could have done.” He paused when none of them would look at him. It took a moment before he spoke again, trying to build up enough oxygen to talk. He was so tired. “But hey… if you feel that bad about it, you can… take over cleaning duties when we get home.” He said in reference to his punishment for losing the rooftop race to Raph. 

That brought a smile to everyone’s face except Leo’s.

“Nice try Mikey. But you lost fair and square.” Raph said, trying to take to heart what his brother said about it not being their fault. He had to remember not to let Shredder get to him.

“We’re probably gonna end up doing it anyway.” Donnie reasoned. “I don’t think he actually knows how to use soap.”

Mikey was fighting to keep his eyes open. “Hey, I clean! I clean the couch all the time!”

“Eating the popcorn from under the seat cushions while looking for the remote doesn’t count.” Raph called from across the room.

“You just can’t appreciate my unique talents, bro.” His voice started to drift. “I am one neat turtle… get it…?”

“Mikey?”

“It’s alright, he’s just asleep.” Donnie said, checking his brother’s pulse. “He must be exhausted…”

Raph snorted. “Yeah, torture’ll do that to ya.” He had to take a calming breath to keep from lashing out at the wall again.

“From what Mikey said, it sounds like that’s all Shredder’s after… to hurt us.”

“You make it sound like that’s a good thing.”

“At least it means he’s not going after Sensei, April, or Casey.”

True enough. Raph looked over to Leo who was leaning against the cell door, his shell to Donnie and Mikey. He hadn’t said anything since Mikey told his story. “So whattya say Fearless? Any deeper insight into Shred-head’s master plan?”

“Donnie may be right.”

“You don’t sound very convinced.” Raph leaned against the bars separating their cells.

“I am convinced. But that’s the problem.” Leo stood. “Every time we’ve been captured in the past, it’s always been to further a goal: to find Sensei, attempted mind control, testing mutagen—“

“All those attempts failed at some point.” Donnie interjected, trying to be positive.  

“Exactly. So maybe this time there is no agenda. Maybe this is pure revenge- we hurt him, now he wants to hurt us.”

“And the problem would be? We’ve escaped him before, we can do it again.” Raph punched one hand into his palm to emphasize his point.

“Remember what Sensei used to say about men without a cause: ‘they are most dangerous of all because they cannot be leveraged.’”

“I’m sure you have a point in there somewhere.”

Leo breathed. “If Shredder’s only in this for revenge, we have no leverage. He wanted us, he has us, we have nothing to offer and no weakness to exploit.”

“So…what? You’re saying it’s hopeless? That we’re stuck here?” Donnie asked, incredulous. Their leader was never one to quit so easily. If he was giving up, then—

“No, there’s always a way out.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying—“ He sighed. “—I’m saying… we’re in trouble.”

 

* * *

 

An hour passed without any further conversation. The turtles were all lost in thought; each one trying to figure a way out, each one coming up empty. Leo hadn’t meant to upset his brothers, he’d simply been thinking out loud, trying to keep them all on the same page so he could bounce ideas off them if he ever came up with any worth mentioning. But so far he’d only succeeded in talking himself out of every plan he’d come up with: Shredder had thought of everything it would seem. 

“Donnie, how’s Mikey doing?” Leo finally spoke, breaking the silence.

The tall turtle checked his brother’s pulse for what had to be the 16th time since he fell asleep. “Still sleeping, but his pulse is steady. And it looks like the sweater did the trick in stopping the bleeding. As long as nothing gets infected, he should be alright.”

“Good.” Leo took a deep breath, trying to calm his mind. Every time he tried to figure an escape, his mind could only picture it going terribly wrong. So far he couldn’t think of a single scenario in which they all got out safe. There had to be a way…

“He’s back…” Raph growled, watching as the door opened.

Shredder strode into the room, taking stock of the four turtles. The three still standing seemed adamant about not showing any signs of fear. How adorable. His eyes landed on the sweater around Michelangelo’s chest, bringing a smirk to his lips; crude, but sufficient. Such a clever turtle. “It’s time to try this once more.” He turned to Raph. “Will you come willingly? Or will you let your brothers take your place?”

Raph glared squaring his shoulders. He wanted nothing more than to punch that stupid helmet off his ugly mug, but he wouldn’t risk his brothers’ safety because of his temper again. Taking a calming breath, he raised his hands to the air in a sign of surrender, his glare never faltering.

Shredder pushed the button, magnetizing Raph’s cuffs. Four Foot came to drag him off.  

“Raph!” Donnie grabbed the bars in front of him.

“Don’t worry guys, I got this.” He cracked his neck and brought his face within inches of Shredder’s. “Take your best shot.”

“As you wish.”

Before the door closed, Raph took one last glance at Leonardo, who nodded a ‘you got this bro’. 

Donnie sighed, shaking his head.

“It’s gonna be alright Donnie.”

“How can you say that? You said yourself that we’re in serious trouble. There’s no way out! We’re just going to have to sit here and watch our family crushed under Shredder’s heal…” He took a deep breath to calm his nerves. “I’m sorry… I’m just… tired.” Worried. He was worried for his brother. Raph’s temper always got him in trouble, but in this situation it was likely to get him killed.

“I know… I know it looks bad.” He heard his brother snort in derision. “Ok, it _is_ bad. But we’re going to find a way outta here. We were trained by the best ninja master there is: we’ve fought off alien invasions, mob bosses, and mutated creatures, and we always make it out alive.”

“This is different Leo. This isn’t about saving the city or the world… it’s about saving us. Who’s going to save _us_?”

“We are.” Leo wrapped his hand around the bar in front of him. “It’s not gonna be easy, but when is it ever? We’re gonna get out of here, Donnie. No matter what, we’ll find a way out. That’s a promise.” He needed to say those words out loud so he could believe them himself. Not hearing a reply, he bent down on one knee, trying to catch his brother’s eye from across the room. “Hey… you with me Donnie?”

Donatello looked up to see his brother’s gentle gaze. “Yeah… Yeah, I’m with you.” He still didn’t see a way out of this, and his stomach turned in knots thinking about what was happening to Raph, but hearing the conviction in his eldest brother’s voice was enough to bring at least some comfort.

“Good.” Leo stood again. “Raph’s gonna be alright. He’s the strongest guy we know, there’s no way Shredder can break him.” He turned away from Donnie, clenching a fist. “No way…”

 

* * *

 

Raph was using every bit of strength he had not to jump up and strangle Shredder, cuffs or no cuffs. If he wasn’t so worried that one of his brothers would pay the price, he’d have gone for it. Dragged into a room that Raph could only describe as a high tech medieval dungeon, he was thrown on a white table, his wrist and ankle bands pulling apart to attach to the table with his hands spread above his head. If Shredder was trying to make him feel exposed, he was right on the money.

Raph pulled against the bands that held him to the table, testing their strength. Nothing. Didn’t budge at all. He wouldn’t be busting out of here any time soon.

“I admit, I have been waiting for this moment with anticipation, Raphael. To test your strength. See what will make you break.” Shredder walked into view, eyes locking with Raph’s. “I have high expectations.”

“Like I said Chrome-dome, take your best shot.” He glared, looking around the room as his table was suddenly lifted to a vertical position, just as Mikey’d described it.

Shredder stood in front of Raph, brandishing iron knuckles on each hand, the left one sporting thick spikes.

Raph snorted. “Are those supposed to be intimidatin’? ‘Cause I’ve seen cats with bigger claws than that.”

Shredder clenched his fists, sneering at Raph, ready to wipe that smirk off his mutated face. 

“Well? Whattya waitin’ for? I ain’t gonna bite…”

Raph’s taunts were met with an iron knuckle to the cheek. He turned to face Shredder again only to be hit on the opposite side, this time the knuckle scraping his forehead. He snorted. “Is that it? Not very—“ He was cut off by a fist to his stomach. Shredder must have been punching hard for him to feel that through his plastron. Next it was a blow to his chest, his shoulder, and his stomach again. 

Shredder let loose, a barrage of fists attacking Raph all over his front. After a few minutes, he stopped, not hearing a sound from the turtle.

Raph huffed, shaking his head. “You’re gonna… have to do better than that.” He said between breaths, grinning at his attacker.

Shredder glared, punching the turtle across the face with a hard right, then aiming an onslaught at his shoulders where his plastron didn’t protect him.

Raph continued to grin at Shredder, blood trickling from his mouth. “Is that.. all you got…?” He was breathing heavier, pain coursing through his torso. 

Shredder turned away to switch weapons, reaching for the same katana he’d used on Mikey. 

“A sword? Yeah… now we’re gettin’ somewhere…” Raph spat some blood in his tormenters direction.

Shredder grinned, activating the sword. “Laugh while you can, turtle.” He brought the sword down slowly on Raph’s left bicep, cutting a deep gash that singed on the edges. Raph had to bite his lip to keep from yelping as Shredder slashed at his legs and arms, seeming to delight at every trickle of blood that leaked from Raph’s body.

Unsatisfied, Shredder deactivated the sword, stepping back to admire his work. Raph’s body was covered in gashes, bruises, and burns. Blood trickled from his mouth, his forehead, his shoulder, and his arm. But it didn’t seem like enough… “Something is missing.” He said to himself, walking back to the wall and replacing the sword. “Ah yes…” He turned to Raph, eyes dancing with delight. “Your screams.”

Raph barely had the chance to register what Shredder had said before his body was engulfed in pain, electricity coursing through him once more. 

Shredder held up a hand to stop the onslaught. “No no, we can do better than that? I’d hate to insult you with such meager pain.” He stood several feet in front of his prey, hands behind his back in a smug manner. “Zouka.” At his word, Raph was consumed by light, the shocks feeling ten times worse than they had before.

He grit his teeth against the pain, desperately fighting the need to cry out. His whole body felt as if it were on fire, exploding from the inside out. His eyes shut, trying to focus on anything but the pain. After what felt like an eternity, the shock stopped, Raph drooping in his shackles as he groped for oxygen.

Shredder walked closer, his face inches from Raphael’s as the turtle glared through half lidded eyes. He was weakening. Taking a step back, Shredder ordered. “Again.”

Raph nearly passed out from the pain. A scream crawled up his throat, desperate to get out, but he held it back. No way he was giving Shred-head the satisfaction of making him cry out. He had to fight to him. It was the only way to keep his brothers safe: the longer Shredder focused on him, the more time they had to find an escape. He held his stare at the metal-clad wretch in front of him until the shock stopped once more, allowing him to breath again.

Shredder glared slightly. Still not a sound. “Stubborn turtle.” He mumbled. Already the voltage was much higher than he’d used on the other brother, and yet this fool refused to back down. Fine. No more games. “Zouka!”

Raph jerked against his restraints, the shocks coursing through him feeling more intense than before. His body felt as though it was literally ripping apart. A growl escaped his throat before he caught it, focusing on keeping his cries in. Focusing on not letting Shredder get to him. Focusing on keeping his brothers safe.

Focusing on anything but the pain.

The shocks finally stopped. Raph slumped in his restraints, completely without the strength to hold himself up anymore. His breathing was shallow as he cracked his eyes open to glare at his enemy again, flashing a small grin in his direction, his entire demeanor still shouting “bring it”. 

Shredder glared. “Zouka!” 

Raph lurched, his grin turning to a pained grimace as the electricity became even more fierce. He felt as though his every cell was exploding! The only thing keeping his eyes in their sockets was keeping them closed. He clenched his fists, fighting the urge to scream with every ounce of strength he had.

“Zouka!”

The pain intensified, if that was even possible. Raph pulled against his restraints, desperate to break free. To escape the torture. He couldn’t take much more… his vision was failing… He was going to pass out… No! No, he couldn’t let Shredder win! Had to stay conscious. Had to work through the pain.

Had to protect his brothers.

“Zouka!”

He was starting to lose control. His strength was failing. He felt a scream clawing at his throat and he cursed it, holding it back. Had to hold it back.

“ZOUKA!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Raph lost control. The cry that escaped his throat was enough to startle the soldiers in the room. The pain was too much. His body was too weak. In desperation his mind wished for death- anything to save him from the pain! Shredder simply stared at the turtle as he screamed, the light from the electricity reflecting off his helmet as a sickening grin reached his eyes.

When finally the shocks stopped, Raph collapsed, utterly spent. His body felt as though it was still on fire. Fighting to keep consciousness, he looked to Shredder with a half-lidded defiant glare still in his weary features.

The Jonin approached Raphael, arrogant eyes looking him up and down. “You do not disappoint.” This had been more exciting than he’d anticipated. He leaned in close to his enemy, their faces merely inches apart. “But even you break.”

Raph could say nothing in reply, his every thought focused on breathing. His eyes felt heavy and his vision blurred as he tried to maintain his scowl.

“Bring him down. We must show the others my masterpiece.”

His brothers… they were gonna freak when they saw him. What if Shredder took someone else? No… no he had to stay awake. Had to keep Shredder’s attention. Had to protect his brothers.

His body went limp as his eyes fell shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Jonin = a leader in Ninjitsu (clan head, ect)  
> *Zouka = Increase (aka Shredder upped the voltage)  
> Pronounced Zo-oh-ka


	5. Inner Turmoil

Leo sat in the middle of his cell, legs crossed, eyes closed in meditation. He had to quiet his mind; had to quell the guilt that kept threatening to overtake him. Couldn’t let Shredder get to him.

Donnie had been fiddling with his wristbands again, finally sighing in frustration at not figuring a way out of them. They were the key: no matter what escape they might conjure up, so long as these things were on them, Shredder could easily take them down with one push of a button. Sitting next to his younger brother, Donnie checked his pulse yet again, happy to note that it had sped to a normal rate. He looked at the passed out ninja, taking in every scratch, every bruise, every burn. Mikey… it looked wrong to see someone so positive covered in pain. Being that Mikey was the only one younger than him, Donnie had always felt very protective of him. To see the younger hurt when he couldn’t protect him… it was killing him inside. But it would be alright, he could fix this. He could always fix it. As soon as they got home he couldn’t bandage Mikey up and help him heal, like it never happened. As soon as they got home…

Both brothers were pulled from their thoughts as the only light in the room started to flicker, fading then brightening again. They stood, looking around the room to see what might be the cause.

“Donnie?”

“I dunno? Maybe a power surge?”

“The locks—“

“Still in tact.” Donnie said with a sigh.

Leo turned to the door when he heard another sound. It was faint, too faint to make out what it was. “Do you hear that?”

Donnie listened carefully. “…a hum? Maybe an engine?”

“Shh.” Leo listened another moment as the sound got louder. “Oh no…”

Donnie could hear it too. “Is that…?”

“Raph.”

Donnie’s blood ran cold. He clasped the bars in front of him, Leo clenching his hands into fists, as they listened to their brother’s distant cry. It wasn’t a shout for help or a battle cry. It was pain. Pure pain.

Neither had ever heard Raph in so much agony before.

“They’re killing him!” Donnie shrieked. He looked to the eldest, hoping for answers he knew he couldn’t have.

The sound stopped, dropping a deathly stillness on the turtles’ prison.

“No… He can’t be—“

“He’s not dead, Donnie.” Not Raph. They couldn’t break Raph. “They want us alive, remember? They won’t kill him.”

Donnie took little solace in that. If their brother was alive, Don shuddered to think what kind of torture could have caused him to shout like that. “Raph…” Thank God Mikey wasn’t awake for this, he’d probably never sleep again. 

“It’ll be alright.” Leo made eye contact with his brother, letting the determination in his eyes speak as loudly as his voice. “Raph’ll be alright.”

“But—“

“Don’t let Shredder get to you Don.”

Donatello gripped the bars in front of him, staring at the door. Leo was right… this was all psychological. Right now there was nothing they could do, so they had to trust that their brother could handle himself. Had to trust he’d be alright. Whatever happened, he could fix it. He could always fix it.

Leo turned his attention to the door, waiting. His heart had started beating a mile a minute when he’d realized it was Raph screaming. What were they doing to him? His brother was in such pain and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Guilt, fear, and anger all bled together to create a knot in his stomach. He had to find a way out. There had to be a way out. He wouldn’t let them rot in this prison. 

He would save his brothers.

Both turtles stared at the door, unmoving. Every second of silence filling them with more dread. Every time Donnie looked at Leo, he was given a reassuring nod. Don tried to match his brother’s confidence, but his mind wouldn’t stop sifting through the possible tortures Raph could be experiencing.

“Maybe they’re still not done with him.” Don said after several minutes.

Leo had considered that. “Whatever they’re doing, Raph can—“

He was interrupted by metal screeching. Both brothers locked eyes on the door, searching for their sibling. Foot soldiers strode in first, posting two to a cell again. One opened the door to Raph’s chamber. The turtles heard a weak voice approaching.

”—can do better… than that. I’m not even… breakin’ a sweat…”

Raph! It was Raph’s voice! Both brothers perked up at hearing their brother was alive. Their relief was short-lived as they saw his battered body dragged into the room and thrown in his cell. He landed with a thud against the back wall, unmoving for a moment.

Donnie looked to his elder brother, unable to see his wounds from his position. “Raph!”

Shredder entered the room to survey his prisoners. The youngest still slept, the smart one ignored him, entirely focused on his most recent victim. And the eldest…

Leo glared. Eyes never leaving Shredder’s.

The Jonin chuckled a moment at the turtle’s determination. It was almost endearing. “Even the strongest have their breaking points.”

“Hey… I ain’t done… with you yet…” Raph wheezed, attempting to sit up.

Shredder cocked an eye in his direction, growing tired of dealing with his defiance. He turned to leave, again taking one last glance at the leader before closing the door behind him.

“Yeah… that’s right… you better run…” Raph winced as he finally managed to gather enough strength to sit up against the wall. His breath was heavy as he closed his eyes to stop the room from spinning.

“Raph? Raph are you alright!?”

“I’m OK Don…” He coughed, spitting up some blood to clear his airways. “Shred-head ain’t as tough as he looks.”

Leo looked at his brother’s injuries, physically having to swallow his guilt. “You look terrible.”

“Heh…” Raph smirked; no way he looked worse than he felt. “You should see the other guy.“ He squared his shoulders, sitting up a bit against the wall; he wasn’t going to look weak in front of his brothers.

“Let me take a look.” Leo knelt as close to the other as the bars would allow.

“I’m fine, Fearless…” He coughed again, spitting up more blood. “Nothin’ I can’t handle.” Just as he finished speaking, a wave of pain washed over him, causing him to double over slightly. His body was still convinced it was a furnace, intent on burning him from the inside out. He hitched his breath to suppress a groan, not wanting his brothers to know how much pain he was in.

“Raph, let him help.” Donnie called from across the room.

“I’m fine! I don’t need big brother Leo to—“

“Leo’s not helping you I am! But I can’t reach you from here, so he’s gonna have to be my hands, ok? Please Raph. just… shut off the tough guy act for once and let me help.”

Raph looked to his younger brother and was about to argue more, but stopped at the site of him: head lowered, shoulders slumped, hands grasping the edge of his cell, and thinly veiled worry clouding his eyes. Donnie felt responsible for his pain, didn’t he? That idiot...

“Fine.” Raph gave in, shuffling closer to Leo, a grimace on his face from every movement.

Leo looked his brother over, taking note of all the burn marks around his body. His skin was still hot, like he’d been baked in an oven. His hand went to the burn on Raph’s arm. “Looks like this is the only one deep enough for concern.” He brushed his hand across it to remove some of the blood, causing Raph to hiss in pain. “Sorry.”

“How does he look Leo?” 

“Ugly as ever.” He was hoping to lift some of the tension in the room. Donnie had been stressed with worry for his brother and Leo didn’t want to add to that. “Some cuts and bruises, a few burns here and there. There’s a pretty big gash on his arm, but it seems mostly burnt shut.“ Though it was still bleeding. “And he’s hot. Like he’s running a fever or something.”

Donnie ran through a list of what could be the cause, the most likely being electricity from these cuffs on their wrists and ankles. “Do you have anything you can bandage the cut with?” He asked, trying not to let the mental image of his brother being tortured run rampant through his mind.

Leo looked around a moment. He still had sports tape on his wrists and hands. “Guess this’ll do.” He unwrapped the tape and placed it on the cut, Raph turning away to hide the pain on his face.

“How do you feel Raph? Any dizziness? Nausea?”

“No, but you’re giving me a headache.”

Donatello smiled.

“I think he’ll live.” Leo said, standing to walk to the other end of his cell.

“Uhhhh… My aching everything…”

“Look who’s awake.” Raph was grateful for the shift of attention.

“Mikey.” Donnie knelt by his younger brother, putting a hand on his shoulder. “How you feeling?”

“Sore everywhere.” He winced as he sat up. “Nothing a slice of pizza can’t cure.”

At the mention of food, Donnie’s stomach growled. They hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since they got down here. He ignored the thought as he looked over Mikey’s wound; it had only been a few hours since it happened, but it doesn’t take long for infection to set in… he’d have to keep a close eye on it.

“Anything exciting happen while I was out?” He looked around the room to make sure his brothers were all still present.

There was a slight pause while all three turtles considered whether they should tell the youngest about Raph’s encounter with Shredder.

“Nothin’ besides you blabbin’ in your sleep.” Raph lied, deciding it was best not to worry Mikey at the moment.

The youngest smiled, thankful his brothers were safe. At least so far… “Any brilliant plans for escape yet?”

That brought a guilty silence over the room. Leo and Donnie both avoided eye contact with their brothers: being the only two who hadn’t been taken by Shredder, they felt it was their responsibility to have found an escape.

Leo took a deep breath. “We’ll find a way." 

Raph suddenly doubled over in pain, spitting up a mixture of bile and blood that had been clogging his throat. 

“Raph?”

“I’m alright.” He said, clenching his teeth as the pain washed over and dissipated at last. Those shocks must have done more damage than he thought.

Mikey looked worriedly at his brother, trying to see him from his spot in the shadows. “What hap—“

The door screeched open as two Foot soldiers walked in, tossed something into each cell, and abruptly left. Leo picked up the item. “A water bottle?”

“Well sure, Shredder doesn’t want us dying of dehydration before he gets the pleasure of torturing us first.” Donnie quipped, picking up the bottle.

“You think he’ll toss us any pizza?” Mikey asked, wincing as he reached for his water.

“Keep dreamin’ Mikey.” Raph also had trouble getting to his water bottle, so Leo reached through the bars and retrieved it for him. “You don’t think Shred-head put anything in it, do you?”

“What, like poison or somethin’?” Mikey asked, quickly pulling the bottle away from his lips.

“Raph, you’re scaring Mikey.” Leo opened his bottle.

“It’s possible. There are dozens of poisons that are virtually undetectable once they dissolve in liquid.”

“Not helping Don.” Leo looked at his water a moment before taking a sip.

“Leo—!“

“If Shredder wanted us dead, he’d have killed us by now.”

“It’s not just death; poisons can lead to paralysis, illness, loss of senses—“

“And how long until we die from dehydration? I think I’ll take my chances.”

The other turtles looked from their water to their eldest, deciding to follow his lead. Leo walked back to the center of his cell, sitting cross-legged, meditating. There had to be a way out…

There had to be.

 

* * *

 

Shredder stood in his control room, going through the surveillance of his “quality time” with Raphael. The power level he’d used on him was through the roof. If he did that again, it might short circuit the whole power system of his prison, or so he was informed. It was incredible the amount of pain the red-banded turtle had been able to withstand. The thought of it made Shredder smile; the more tolerant the turtle was, the more pain Shredder could throw at him. Perfect.

Everything was going as planned.

Shredder had left nothing to chance; after all his years fighting these so-called ninja’s, he’d come to one immutable truth: the turtles’ greatest strength was their familial bond. The way they were able to lean on one another, work together, and fight as a unit, were all things that had helped them defeat him in the past. But it was the way they worried over each other, fought for each other, and protected each other, that had been his downfall every time they battled. The connection they shared was their greatest asset. Their greatest strength.

And every strength could be made a weakness. 

The fact that they cared so much for each other would be their downfall. They protect each other, he keeps them separated; they worry over each other, he uses their guilt to keep them in line; they lean on one another, he takes one away…

“And they all fall down.”

Switching the monitor in front of him to current surveillance of his captives, he watched as they interacted with each other. He would play to their guilt, their loyalty, their protectiveness.

He would play to their love for each other.

And when they were broken, when they were crushed, when they were empty shells of their former self’s… Then he would end it.

Then they would know his pain.

 

* * *

 

It had been several hours since the turtles had seen or heard anything from Shredder and his men. They had entered a while after chucking the bottles in their cells to toss some bread as well. It wasn’t enough to stave off hunger, but none of the brothers –save for Mikey- were up to eating anyway. Donnie guessed they’d been in their prison for at least 20 hours by this point, but without a watch or a view of the sky, it was difficult to tell.

Mikey hadn’t moved much at all, since every time he did his chest erupted in pain. But he was the only one of the four that seemed to be in a talkative mood. Every time a veil of stressed silence fell over the room, he was quick to lighten the air with a witty gibe. He knew his brothers had a tendency to get lost in their own heads about who was to blame for what, so he figured a well placed joke here and there might help them keep positive. It also kept him awake, and he didn’t want to fall asleep again; last time he did, Raph was apparently dragged off by Shredder. Mikey was afraid that if he closed his eyes, his brothers would disappear while he slept. He would keep awake, keep them positive, and keep an eye on them.

Donatello didn’t stray far from his younger brother, checking his wound every half an hour (or what he guessed was half an hour). It had stopped bleeding a while ago, but Mikey was starting to get warm and a fever could be a sign of infection. For his own sanity, Donnie convinced himself he’d find a way to deal with it if that was the case, but without his equipment –or any equipment for that matter- there was very little he could do. He also continued to check on Raph, afraid that he might have internal damage from whatever Shredder did to him. But his older brother was less than helpful, always replying with ‘I’m fine’ when asked how he was. Donnie was sure to keep it from his brothers, but watching them in pain without the ability to help them was tearing him apart. He almost hoped that he was picked by Shredder next just so he wouldn’t have to see the others come back with more injuries he couldn’t fix. But he also knew that if anything happened to him, he’d be even less helpful. All he could do now was keep an eye on his brothers and pray he could find a way out of here. Sooner than later.

Raph had been lost in his own head, trying desperately to keep a handle on the pain. It came in waves, but when it hit, it hit hard. Fortunately the pain lessened as time went on, but then it became a battle to keep himself awake. He had to keep an eye on his brothers, make sure Shred-head didn’t take them, but his eyes felt heavier with each passing minute. Donnie asking for a health update every so often helped to keep him conscious, as did Mikey’s joking around- though he’d never admit that out loud. Raph had been keeping an eye on his elder brother who’d barely moved for hours. He just sat in the middle of his cell, meditating. It still infuriated Raph to see Leo so calm in the middle of this mucked-up situation, but it also brought reluctant relief—if their Fearless Leader could keep it together like that, maybe he could figure a way out after all. Maybe.

Leo hadn’t moved from his spot, other than to check on Raph from time to time. He knew his younger brother was being stubborn about how much pain he was in, but arguing about it wasn’t going to help, so he left him alone. His mind was searching every possible angle for a way out, but still nothing came to mind. Perhaps if he could see some more of the facility he could come up with a better plan. But as of right now, the only plan that had any chance of working involved one of them sacrificing themselves to kill the power. Raph hadn’t been very specific when he recounted his story to Mikey, but it sounded like the electricity Shredder sent through Raph’s body had a direct connection to the lights in this room- hence why they flickered when Raph was… away. If Donnie was right, and the whole prison was on the same power grid, then if one of them could get Shredder to amp up the juice enough, they could fry the circuits, break out of their cells, and find a way out. But that kind of current running through any one of their bodies would likely be lethal… there had to be another way. It was taking all Leo’s energy to keep his mind focused on a plan of action instead of the guilt. Seeing Raph hurting so bad, hearing Mikey as weak as he was, and watching Donnie as he burdened himself with trying to fix everything… it was all too much. They shouldn’t even be in this situation. If he’d been paying more attention, he could have figured out it was a trap long before they split up. It was his job to keep his brothers safe and he was failing… But he would find a way. He wouldn’t let them die down here. He would find an escape. No matter what.

“Dudes, is it getting hot in here, or is that just me?” Mikey piped up, wiping some sweat from his brow.

“Actually I was noting a definitive drop in temperature.” Donnie said, checking Mikey’s forehead. He was burning up. Don moved the sweater to look at the wound on his brother’s chest; it wasn’t green or gangly looking, but it was hard to tell through his plastron. It could easily be infected underneath. Donnie swallowed, his mind racing through a million ways to help his brother, and none of them were possible in this cell. He picked up his water bottle, still half full, and poured some over the wound.

“Aah! Ouch!”

“Sorry.” Don washed the wound as best he could, tightening the sweater around it. His brother winced in pain.

“Whattya think Don… will I live to play video games again?”

He handed his brother the rest of his water. “Here, drink this.”

“Don, you need—“

“I already had some. You need it more.”

Mikey reluctantly took the water, only because he felt that without it he was going burst into flame at any moment. Donnie reached through the cell and put an arm over Mikey’s shoulders, hearing the weakness in his brother’s voice. “You’ll be alright Mikey.” The young turtle smiled at his older brother, accepting the comfort that his half-hug offered. 

“You guys think Shredder’s forgotten about us?” Raph asked, trying to find conversation that would keep him awake. “Or is he just trying to bore us to death.”

The door screeched open, bringing all eyes to Shredder as he entered.

“We was just talkin’ about you Shred-head.”

Shredder eyed the red-banded turtle, a twinkle in his eye at seeing how weak his latest victim still was. “Who shall be next?” He asked, ego dripping from every word.

Raph forced himself to stand, with great difficulty, leaning on the bars for help. “I’m ready for round two, whenever you are.”

Shredder ignored Raphael, locking eyes with Leo and stalking towards his cell. “Who shall it be?" 

Leonardo stood as close to his enemy as the bars would allow, holding Shredder’s gaze, eyes narrowed in defiance.

“This one.” Shredder pointed, eyes never leaving Leo.

Donnie’s cell opened as two Foot entered and pulled him off the younger.

“Donnie! No!” Mikey cried, reaching for his brother. A sharp pain shot through his chest at the movement. 

“It’s ok Mikey. I’ll be alright.” Donatello looked to his older brothers: Raph was grasping the bars in front of him, looking to the soldiers with anger in his eyes, and Leo was standing in front of Shredder, defiant as ever.

“Leave him alone you over-sized tin can!”

Shredder ignored Raph, pushing a button to bring Don’s wristbands together, but not his ankles: he was allowing him to walk at least. Shredder eyed Leonardo, noting no change in his demeanor as his brother was led away. Fascinating.

Turning to leave, Shredder noticed Donnie take one last look at Leo, who gripped his cell, giving as reassuring a nod as he could muster. As the door closed, Donnie could hear Raph kick his cell bars, causing a chuckle to escape Shredder’s throat. “Your brothers worry for you.”

Donnie thought to Leo’s encouraging nod, holding his head high. “I can handle myself.”

Shredder’s eyes danced. “I certainly hope so.”


	6. Mind Games

“Aaah!” Raph shouted his anger as he kicked his cell. “First Mikey, now Donnie! What’s he going to do, rotate through us to see who dies first!?”

“No one’s going to die.” Leo said firmly. “Shredder’s mistake in all this is that he’s given us time. Time to find an escape.”

“’Cause that’s gone well for us so far!”

“We’ll find a way.”

“When!? Would that be before or after Shredder kills—“

“Enough Raph!” Leo turned to argue with his brother, but instead reached through the bars to catch him as he started to fall. He was pushing himself too hard. “Hey, take it easy…” Leo helped his brother to the ground, leaning him against the bars separating their cells.

Raph accepted the help, resting his shell against the cold steal and inhaling deeply to relieve the sting that had seared through his body in that moment. He wasn’t sure if it was the pain talking or his exhaustion, but he couldn’t get one thought out of his head. “What if there is no way out, Leo?” His voice was quiet, not sure he wanted to ask the question, let alone hear the answer. “What if… What if Shredder wins this one?”

It surprised Leo to hear his brother ask such a thing; he normally wasn’t one to doubt their ability to triumph, particularly against Shredder. “I told you, we’ll find a way out Raph. There’s always a way.” He put a hand to Raph’s shoulder, trying to be as confident as he could. Truth be told, he had the same doubts, but he’d shoved them into the pit as his guilt. “You should get some rest.”

“I’m—“

“—Fine. Yeah, I know.” Leo rolled his eyes. “But some sleep would do you good.”

“Aw, you two are finishing each other’s sentences. That’s adorable.”

“Shut up Mikey.”

The unison retort lightened the mood in the room, if only for a moment. Mikey smiled; he wished there was more he could do to help his brothers, but he was finding it harder to keep his eyes open, let alone be of any use. His whole body felt like it was boiling, yet he shivered as if cold. His chest ached and his hands had started to tremble. But his mind could only focus on one thing: Donnie. He knew his brother was strong, both in mind and body, but… Shredder was ruthless. He thrived on their pain. Hearing what he’d done to Raph… “Donnie—… Donnie’s gonna be ok, right?” He asked suddenly, looking to Leo.

The eldest glanced from Mikey to Raph, lowering his eyes to the floor. “Yeah.” He took a calming breath. “Don’s gonna be alright.” Had to stay positive. “He’s too smart for Shredder.” Had to keep his mind clear. “With any luck, he’ll come back with a way to get us out of here.”

Had to stay strong for his brothers.

 

* * *

 

Donatello walked willingly through the hallways, knowing that if he tried anything Shredder could simply force his ankle bracelets together. He took in as much detail as he could, hoping to find any way of escape. He was pushed into a room with a control panel linked to a computer, walls adorned with weapons, and wires along the floor connected to a white table in the center. Donnie approached the table and saw blood still upon it. His brothers’ blood. He closed his eyes to shut out the images of his brothers’ torture now running through his mind. This was all a game. Shredder was testing them psychologically and physically, trying to find the right points to hit to break them.

Donnie was very good at mind games. He would not break.

Laying down on the table, Don looked to the roof, noticing no skylights or windows of any kind. Perhaps they were underground? His thoughts sorted through the possibilities, barely noticing as his arms and legs were secured to the table.

Donnie lurched in surprise as his body was suddenly overtaken by electricity. Shredder strode over, his hands cupped behind his back, watching the turtle gasp in a breath when the shocks relinquished. “Apologies. I know that was rather sudden.” He came closer, noticing that Donnie paid him no mind, but rather used this opportunity to examine his surroundings. A very clever turtle. “Your brother forced us to use power levels we hadn’t been prepared for. My men made adjustments, but we haven’t been able to test the connection yet.” Another shock was sent scorching through Donnie’s body, causing his back to arch from the table, before quickly abating. “Is it working?”

Donnie didn’t reply, his head spinning already, taken back by the sudden onslaught of pain. He’d been expecting some witty repartee before the torture commenced, but apparently Shredder was in no mood for that. Another shock forced Donnie to close his eyes to the torment.

“I shall take that as a yes.”

Don kept quiet, not only out of defiance, but out of necessity; his mind was reeling from the pain, unable to focus on anything. The turtle took a deep breath to calm himself and clear his thoughts. He had to keep focused.

Shredder walked to the other side of the table, turning away from Don as he spoke. “It took your brother quite a while to admit defeat and voice his agony. I wonder how long it will take you?” Another shock tore through Donnie as Shredder spoke. He cried out in pain, causing Shredder to turn and face him, a disappointed shrug in his shoulders. “Well… not long apparently.”

“You want my screams?” Donnie breathed, his body aching. “You can have them.” The best way to throw Shredder off his game was to play along. He wouldn’t be expecting it after how defiant Raph had been. Being unpredictable was Donnie’s only asset at the moment.

The Jonin released a light chuckle, circling the turtle like a vulture would a carcass. “Your screams? Whoever said I wanted your screams?” He saw Don quickly cover the look of confusion in his eyes. “Such naiveté.”

A soldier handed his Master a needle filled with blue liquid. Donnie studied it, suppressing the fear that clumped in his throat.

“I must say, I’m a little disappointed. I expected you to hold your defiance far longer than this.” He flicked the needle, pushing out any air bubbles. “Your brother was much more stubborn.”

“I am not my brothers.”

Shredder smiled, his hands nearly shaking in excitement. “No. No you are not.” He locked eyes with Donnie. “And isn’t that the point.”

Another shock. More pain. Donnie couldn’t imagine how Raph had lasted as long as he had; his body already felt as though it was shutting down. “You’re going to help me with an experiment, since I hear you are the—“ Shredder chuckled at the title. “—smart one.” Donnie barely felt the prick to his skin where the needle entered. He watched the blue liquid drain from the vial, his mind panicking at the millions of possible terrors Shredder might have just unleashed into his blood stream. Calm. He had to remain calm. Think. Look at the details. Find a weakness. Work the problem.

Electricity erupted from his cuffs, once again engulfing him in heat and pain. Shredder stopped the shocks abruptly, apparently not happy with the reaction he’d received. “It can take a moment for the serum to take effect.” He waited where he was, hands still clasped behind his back in an arrogant manner. After a few more seconds, he turned to his soldier. “Again.”

Donnie didn’t know what hit him. The minute the shocks started, his arm where he’d been pricked suddenly flared up in agony. The electricity coursed across him, drawn to that area like a shark to blood. He cried in pain, pulling against his restraints in a futile effort to make it stop. After an eternity, the electricity disappeared, leaving Donnie coughing for breath, his mind desperately trying to compute what just happened. He looked down at his arm to make sure it was still in tact.

“Much better.” Shredder leaned over his victim, enjoyment seeping from every feature. “Can you tell me what that was?” For a supposed-genius it shouldn’t be difficult to figure out.

Donnie tried to get a hold himself, focusing on his brothers. Picturing Leo’s confident nod as he’d been taken away. He could handle this. Closing his eyes to concentrate, Don thought over what Shredder had said, where he’d felt the pain, and how the rest of him had been effected. He complied, mumbling out loud. “Concentrated hyper electrolytes released into the bloodstream attracting current and producing energy, intensifying electric shock to an extreme.”

Shredder nodded. “Impressive. Do you know what will happen next?”

Donnie’s voice was weak, but his mind was going a mile a minute. “Spread through the body, electrolytes will draw current, allowing for maximum pain output over entire victim.” He was disassociating himself, trying to ignore the fact that _he_ was the victim.

“Correct. So tell me…” Another shock started, surging through Donnie with alarming intensity, this time attacking his entire right side. The turtle screamed, his body pulling away from the table as his eyes squeezed shut. When it finally ended, he fell back on the table, exhausted, choking on his own breath. If that happened on his left side, his heart might stop. Shredder looked down at him, enjoying the site. “How does it feel?”

Donnie’s vision was blurring, his whole body feeling numb. He’d never felt pain like that before and never cared to again. “Too much…” He mumbled. 

Shredder leaned closer. “What was that?”

“Too much. Too much current. Electrolytes burned up too quickly allowing for only temporary effects.”

“True.” The turtle was right, this serum was far too weak to do any lasting damage, but it was good to test these things. Not to worry, he had several other serums to try. He held out his hand as a soldier handed him a second needle. “Shall we try again?”

Donnie coughed, his body aching. He wasn’t sure how long he could hold out. His eyes started to close when he snapped them back open. Had to stay alert. Had to keep focused.

Had to win the game.

 

* * *

 

Leo checked his brother’s pulse after he’d nodded off, leaning against their cell. Raph may not have wanted sleep but his body did, and in his weakened state, that wasn’t an argument he’d been able to win. Leo was glad to feel a strong pulse beneath his fingers. He moved his hand to Raph’s shoulder, not sure if the comfort it offered was for his brother or himself. “You still awake Mikey?”

“I’m here Leo…” Barely.

“How do you feel? Still hot?” 

“The hottest, bro. You know I got all the good looks in the family.”

Leo chuckled at the frail joke, if only to hide his worry. His youngest brother was normally exploding with energy, bouncing from every wall and spreading his eagerness to anyone who spoke with him. To hear him sound weak and without energy was wrong. “Yeah? Well don’t tell Raph that. You’ll damage his fragile ego.”

Mikey snorted a laugh. “How is the big guy?”

Leo glanced beside him. “Sleeping. Finally.”

“I wondered why it was so quiet.” Mikey felt his eyes closing and wanted to keep talking to keep himself awake. “Is he going to be ok?”

“He’ll be fine.” Leo stood, removing his hand from his brother’s shoulder. “I don’t think even Shredder can break though that stubbornness of his.”

There was a pause, and Leo wondered if maybe Mikey had fallen asleep as well.

“He’s not invincible Leo.”

“Heh” The elder smirked. “Remember what I said about his ego?”

“I’m serious.” Mikey’s mind was wandering. Exhausted from the days events -both physically and emotionally- his thoughts were jumping everywhere, apparently landing on Raph. In his worn state, he couldn’t help the words coming out of his mouth. “I know he’s tough, but he’s not invincible.”

Leo looked to his younger brother, eyes wondering where he was going with this. 

“He’s always so protective. I never have to worry about getting hurt because I know he’s always looking out for me. For us.” His voice was growing quiet as his mind fought to keep awake.

“Current situation not withstanding.” Leo glanced at the red-banded ninja, a sudden shudder of guilt coursing through his body. He was pretty good at expressing emotion for his family; telling Mikey and Don how much he cherished them came rather easy. But not Raph. For some reason he found it impossible to express to his hot-tempered brother how much he cared for him. Respected him. Looked up to him. “He’s… He’s a good brother.”

“Yeah…” Mikey’s mind drifted unwillingly to Raph’s time with Shredder. “I dunno what we’d do without him…”

Leo turned sharply, looking across the room at his brother. “Not you too Mikey.” They were losing hope. Shredder won if they lost hope. He had to keep them together, keep their minds unclouded with doubt. “Nothing’s gonna happen to any of us. We’re all getting out of here together, you understand?”

“I know… I’m just saying.” Just in case he couldn’t say it later. In case they didn’t get out of here.

Leo didn’t like the tone in his brother’s voice. “Hey,” He waited till he caught his brother’s half opened eyes. “I’ll get us out of here. All four of us. I promise.” He reached out and grasped the bars in front of him, wishing he could comfort his brother with a hand to the shoulder or hug of some sort. “Do you trust me?”

Mikey smiled. “I trust ya Leo…”

“Good.” 

There was a sudden sound that caught Leo’s ear. Something very distant, echoing through the halls. Mikey evidently heard it too as he turned to the door. “Was that…?”

“Donnie.” Leo barely whispered his name, fear and worry seeping into every bone as he listened to the remote cries of their missing sibling. He put on a brave face, trying to catch his younger brother’s attention again. “He’ll be ok Mikey.” The youngest couldn’t look away from the door.

“But—“

“Mikey.” He sounded as strong and confident as he could, drawing his brother’s attention to him. “Trust me. Donnie can handle it. Don’t let Shredder get to you.” How many times had he said that today? “We’re gonna be ok.”

Mikey’s worry didn’t abate, but he took a deep breath, trying to shut out the fear pumping through his body. Donnie would ok. He had to be ok. Leo was right. Please God, let Leo be right…

Leonardo walked to the back of his cell, hands balled into fists, pulse racing with fear and anger. Every ounce of his strength in that moment went towards not shouting in rage and punching the wall. Donnie…

He would find a way out for them. He would save his brothers.

No matter what. 

 

* * *

 

Donnie’s eyes snapped open, gasping for air as a small shock went through his body, barely a tickle compared to the ones previous. Was Shredder showing him mercy? Or was he numbing to the pain? Taking a moment to remind himself of his surroundings, Donnie tried to remember what happened. Shredder had been trying different chemicals in his body to see which would elicit the most painful reaction, the latest being some sort of acidic concoction that, when excited by the electrical current sent through his body, became powerful enough to burn him from the inside out. There were several holes in his arms and torso from the acid burning through his skin. The one on his chest had been the worst; it burned through his plastron, heading straight for his lungs. He remembered Shredder saying something about the only way to stop the reaction was to burn up the chemical by amping the voltage in the current. Needless to say, what followed was a shock far more painful than any Donnie had experienced so far. The burning had stopped, but so had his heart.

The milder current he felt must have been a defibrillator. Shredder was rambling on about not wanting to lose such a valuable test subject, but Donnie barely heard him. His entire body was screaming in agony, he’d lost blood from the acidic burns, and everything in him was exhausted from pain. He’d given Shredder everything he’d asked for: he’d cried and shouted, he’d explained the science behind each experiment, he’d even answered truthfully when Shredder asked which was more painful. But nothing was enough. It was tortuously clear that the metal-masked villain wasn’t in this for anything other than to watch him suffer. Resistant or compliant, he simply wanted to see Donnie and his brothers in pain.

Don’s thoughts drifted to his brothers. They were the last thing he’d thought of before everything went black, and now they were the first thing on his mind after waking up. He worried for them. If this was the kind of torment that awaited them all, he feared the worst. It made him physically ill to think of them experiencing this kind of pain. His mind meandered through several fond memories of them all together: fighting over pizza, training in the dojo, going on missions. Such carefree moments that were so far gone in this place of pain. Donnie couldn’t help but wish they were there now; back at home, in the lair, with April and Casey, training with Master Splinter. God, what he wouldn’t give to be back there. He’d been away for some time now, his brothers were likely worried about him—

A slap across his face brought Donnie from his thoughts. “I hope I’m not boring you.” Shredder’s voice mirrored his smug face as he looked his prey over. “Perhaps it is time to change subjects.” This one seemed to have reached his limits. A change in victim was in order. “Bring him.”

Don sighed in relief at the thought of being back in his cell, away from all this torment. He wanted to get back and check on Mikey and Raph, make sure they were healing alright. His mind grasped at consciousness, fighting the urge to pass out as his adrenaline started wearing off. The sudden thought that another brother would be taken next tore away any relief he’d felt. It would undoubtedly be Leo. Don tried to shake off the images of torture racing through his mind; Leo would be alright. He was their leader, and the only one of them that had fought Shredder one-on-one and come out of it alive. He’d be alright.

Dragged from the room with his cuffs –both wrist and ankle- magnetized together, Donnie once again let his eyes roam. There was nothing in the hallway leading to the prison, just a long corridor closed off on each end by a thick metal door. And to Don’s dismay, it looked as though only Shredder could open them.

The ninja’s observations fell away at the sound of his brothers; Raph and Leo were arguing over something. Typical. Even in life or death situations, some things never changed. Taking a deep breath to keep himself awake, Don put on the strongest face he could muster… which wasn’t much. A half lidded defiant stare was all it amounted to, but at least he wouldn’t worry his brothers by being thrown in unconscious. As the door opened, Donnie could feel a drastic change in temperature; he’d been right before when he said it felt colder. It had to be at least a few degrees below the other room, and Don was sure it hadn’t been that cold earlier in the day.

The arguing ceased as he was dragged into the room and thrown in his cell. He quickly turned to see Raph standing as close to Shredder as possible, reaching a hand through his cell in an attempt to throttle him as he shouted ‘what did you do!?’. Leo simply stood near the bars, as he always did, glaring at Shredder.

The Jonin glanced around the room, ignoring the malicious stare coming from the leader in the corner. “All awake I see.” He said, noting that Mikey was conscious again. “Good. Then the fun may continue.” Shredder took a moment to smirk at Leonardo, excited to see the turtle’s reaction to his next move.

Leo stood tall, ready to face whatever Shredder threw at him.

“Bring me the young one.”

For the briefest of moments, Leo’s mask of defiance fell, replaced with confused terror. It returned as quick as it’d left, but Shredder had seen it. A low chuckled escaped his throat. “You didn’t think I’d pick you, did you?” He gloated as Foot soldiers opened the cell beside him.

Mikey’s adrenaline spiked at Shredder’s words, both relieved and frightened at the notion of being taken again; at least it wasn’t one of his brothers.

“No!” Raph was shouting from his cell, pulling on the bars with any strength he had.

“Mikey!” Don crawled to his younger brother, slinging a protective arm over his shoulder. The Foot soldiers scoffed at him, wrenching the turtle from his grasp, causing a small cry of pain from Mikey.

“Leo?” The name came out in a question as the youngest searched his brother’s eyes for what to do. Should he fight? Go along quietly? He didn’t want to give in to Shredder, but in his condition he’d probably only hurt himself more. Not to mention it might lead Shredder to taking someone else, and that scared Mikey more than anything.

“You coward. What honor is there in attacking a defenseless enemy?” Leo growled to Shredder’s face, trying to hold his anger in check.

“He is welcome to defend himself.” Shredder walked closer to Leo’s cell. Knowing the inner torment the turtle experienced now was all the satisfaction the Jonin needed.

Leo didn’t have an answer for Mikey’s plea. He’d weighed the pros and cons of the options available and none of the outcomes were favorable. There had to be a way to help him… He knew begging Shredder to take him instead wouldn’t work, it would only make him more adamant on taking Mikey. What could he do!?

“Take me!” Raph shouted, his knuckles white from gripping the bars so tightly.

“Raph—!!“

“You and me got unfinished business Shred-head. Mikey’s weak. I give him 5 minutes before you’re dragging his unconscious ass back here.”

“That’s harsh bro…” Mikey breathed, accepting his fate as his cuffs were forced together. He’d go along like Donnie had. At least then his brothers were safe…

“And you think you can last longer?” Shredder tilted his head as if he was actually considering the idea.

“There ain’t nothin’ you can throw at me that I can’t take.”

“Is that a fact?”

“Try me you walkin’ can-opener!”

Shredder took a moment, looking Raph over. “…If you insist.”

“What!? No!” Mikey winced as he was thrown back in his cell, his chest throbbing with pain, but his mind screaming in horror. What had Raph just done!? “Raph, don’t do this!” The weariness that held his spirit earlier was now completely replaced with fear.

Shredder turned to Leonardo, a twisted sparkle in his eyes. “All you had to do was ask.” He chuckled as a flash of anger flickered across the turtle’s face. He was getting to him… slowly but surely.

As Raph was dragged from the room, Leo tried to catch his eye, but he’d kept his head down. Shredder’s malicious chuckle turned to full on laughter as he left the room, taking his prize with him.

“Raph!!! Raph!!!!” Mikey called after his brother as the door closed, slamming his worst fears home. He knew Raph would try something like this, he knew it! Clinging to the bars, his head drooped and his eyes squeezed shut as he sank to his knees. “This is a nightmare. This has gotta be some kind of nightmare!”

Donnie crawled forward, attempting to console his brother with a hand to his shoulder. “It’s ok Mikey…”

“It’s not ok!” The young ninja pulled away, ignoring the pain from his chest. “Raph’s still weak from the last time Shredder took him! How long can he last like that!? He’s not invincible! What if Shredder—“ He choked, unable to bring himself to finish that thought.

Donnie looked to his brother with pain in his eyes, his own fears reflecting Mikey’s. What could he say?

“It’s my fault Don… It’s always my fault. You guys are always getting hurt to protect me…” Once again Mikey couldn’t stop the confession pouring from his mouth. He was too tired. Far too tired. “It… it should’ve been me.”

The sorrow in Mikey’s voice was like a knife to Donnie’s heart. Never before had he seen his brother so upset. Trying once more to reach his arm around Mikey’s shoulders, Donnie pulled him into a hug through their cell bars. He had no words. Of course he felt Mikey was wrong: the last thing he wanted was to see his younger brother hurt again. But the idea of Raph being taken so soon- particularly after experiencing what Shredder was capable of- was terrifying.

Mikey accepted the hug, desperate for the comfort. Guilt and despair had taken over his tired mind. He felt so useless…

“It’s not your fault Mikey.” Leo’s quiet voice was heard from across the room. “None of this is your fault.” _It’s mine._

With his shell to his brothers, his head bowed, and his hands clenched into fists, Leo shut his eyes to the prison. To Shredder. To reality. His body was almost quaking with emotions he was desperate to keep down.

Had to burry it. Had to stay strong. ‘Don’t let Shredder get to you’, he’d been saying it all day. But watching his brother dragged away when it was supposed to be him, and then to hear Mikey so dispirited… Leo almost couldn’t stand it. He grit his teeth, sucking in a deep breath to try and quell his shame.

Stay calm. Stay strong. Don’t let Shredder in.

“You need to stay positive.” He kept his voice steady so his brothers wouldn’t hear the tremors he felt spreading from his hands.

Mikey couldn’t bring himself to look at Leo.

“We need you, Mikey. We need your optimism if we’re ever gonna get out of here.” It sounded like a simple comforting statement, but Leo meant it more than he could express. He needed his brothers. All three of them. If they all gave up hope, they were doomed, and he wouldn’t let that happen. “Shredder may be able to break our bodies, but he can’t break our spirits. Not unless we let him.”

Both brothers had turned to look at their leader, listening to his words intently. 

“And we are NOT gonna let him.” Leo turned to face them, determination burned into every feature. “Are we?”

Mikey looked to Donnie as they slowly stood, leaning on each other for support, Leo’s resolve spreading to them like wildfire. ”Never.”

“Not a chance, bruh.”

Leo offered them a decisive smile. “That’s more like it.


	7. Rallied Spirits

“Shredder may be able to break our bodies, but he can’t break our spirits. Not unless we let him.”

Both brothers had turned to look at their leader, listening to his words intently. 

“And we are NOT gonna let him.” Leo turned to face them, determination burned into every feature. “Are we?”

Mikey looked to Donnie as they slowly stood, leaning on each other for support, Leo’s resolve spreading to them like wildfire. ”Never.”

“Not a chance, bruh.”

Leo offered them a decisive smile. “That’s more like it.”

The brothers stood for a moment, their spirits brightened in hope for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

Donnie suddenly felt the room spinning, putting a hand to his head as he fell to his knees, clinging to his brother to break his fall.

“Donnie, you alright?” Leo asked, grabbing the bars in front of him.

“I’m ok…” He took a few calming breathes to steady himself, his body now crying out for him to sit, so he complied.

“Way to ruin the moment, bro.” Mikey jibed, feeling their connection a moment ago to be the stuff of Hollywood. It was only then that he got a good look at his brother’s injuries. “Dude…” His hand went to Don’s plastron where there was a hole that burned deep past his skin. “What did he—“

“Do you have any water left?” Don interrupted what he knew would likely turn into a Mikey freak-out moment. He reached a hand up to inspect the injury on his chest; definitely the worst of the bunch, but his right arm was pretty bad too. Pulling some of the sports tape from around his hands, he offered it to Mikey. “Can you wrap it? I’m no good with my left.”

Mikey exchanged the bandages for what little water he had. He watched with worried eyes as Don hissed in pain at the water washing over his wounds. With it gone, his brother offered his arm to be wrapped. “You sure you’re alright?” Mikey asked, noting the exhaustion in his brother’s face.

“I’ll be ok.” Don said through clenched teeth as his arm was wrapped. He then went to work patching the rest of himself up. He had to tear off a piece of his pants to cover the hole in his chest, and though he tried his best to keep a calm face in front of his siblings, that one was too painful to conceal. When he felt his more serious wounds were taken care of, he looked to his younger brother. “How’s your chest?” There’d been a lot of moving around these past few minutes, and Don was afraid that might have reopened the wound.

“It’s healing, I think. It doesn’t hurt as bad as it did earlier.”

Donnie nodded, taking a look for himself. Adrenaline. Mikey’s body must still be pumping the hormone through his body so he didn’t feel the pain or weariness yet. That wouldn’t last long. Fortunately the cut was still clotting, no damage done. Don put a hand to Mikey’s forehead: his fever was dissipated, but that could simply be a reaction to the adrenaline as well. He’d have to keep an eye on him.

“Dude, stop taking care of me—“ Mikey removed his brother’s hand from his forehead. “—And look after yourself for a change. You look like you’re ready to pass out.”

Don smiled, pulling himself to the wall to lean on. He most definitely wished for some sleep, if not for any other reason than to escape the pain. But he couldn’t rest yet. “Leo, I got a good look at the facility we’re in.”

The eldest moved his gaze from Don’s injuries to his eyes. “Tell me.”

“It’s quite an impressive set-up. Shredder must have been planning this for some time.”

“Aw, he’s been thinking about us?” Mikey quipped, leaning against the wall by his brother. His adrenaline was starting to fade already and his body was remembering how exhausted it was.

“As far as I could see, that door’s the only way in or out. And behind it there’s a long corridor, no windows or vents, leading to another door just like it. It would appear Shredder is the only one with access to either of them.”

“I suspected as much.” Leo mumbled, more to himself than to the others. “So without Shredder, we’ve no access to any escape.”

“We could always dig our way out. Like they did in that movie: all we need is a small rock hammer and a giant poster.”

Leo shook his head at Mikey’s ridiculous idea: at least he was sounding more like himself.

“We can’t.”

“Because we’d never find a giant poster of Rita Hayworth?” Leo asked sarcastically, incredulous that Don was taking Mikey’s suggestion seriously.

“Because we’d drown.”

Both brothers turned to Donnie. “Drown?”

“How?”

Don sat up a bit so he could meet his brother’s gaze better. “I think this whole facility is deep under water.”

 

* * *

 

Shredder’s eyes danced with delight, reveling in his latest victory. For the briefest of moments he’d seen Leonardo’s mask of defiance drop, and it had made him elated with triumph. He knew the turtle suffered every time his siblings were dragged away, but knowing it should have been himself was likely what tipped him over the edge. Shredder was closer to victory than he had ever been.

It was only a matter of time.

Seeing Raph secured to the table once more, Shredder smiled: back to the matter at hand. “Ready for round 2?”

“Bring it ya oversized trash can!”

“So overconfident.” Shredder chuckled. “I like it.”

“You let me outta these restraints and I’ll show you how confident I am.” Raph glared at his capture, still surprised he’d managed to swap places with Mikey. It made sense if he was hoping to just torment someone for a long time, but Leo had said this was a head game. And if Shredder wanted to mess with their minds, the best way would be to go for Mikey. They were all overprotective of their youngest, and Shredder knew it. So why did he let them swap? Not that he was complaining, but he was sure if Leo were here he’d be saying something about seeing the bigger picture.

“A glutton for punishment I see.”

“I ain’t scared of—“ Raph was cut off by the shock that erupted from his cuffs. His body groaned, still trying to recover from the last bout, and in no shape to even begin resisting new pain.

“What was that?” Shredder asked, circling the table.

“I said…” Raph spit some blood in the villain’s direction. “I ain’t scared of you.”

Shredder leaned in close, laughing in the turtle’s face. “Good.”

 

* * *

 

“Underwater?” Mikey chewed the words as his mind raced with several different ‘evil-villain lair’ possibilities. Were his brother not off in another room being tortured, he might have thought the idea of an underwater hideout was fantastically cool. 

“How do you figure, Don?”

“In the other room there was a computer that had a pressure gauge and oxygen levels displayed. And there are no windows in any of the rooms. Plus there’s that unmistakable smell of saltwater.”

Leo thought about that a moment, trying not to let the information fog his mind with doubt; as if escape wasn’t difficult enough. “Did you see any way out?”

“There was another door on the opposite end of the room, but it was closed. Possibly an exit?”

It would have to be. Shredder had to have a way out for himself. “Was it the same as this one?”

“Most likely.” Don paused a moment to cough as some blood got caught in his throat, his chest aching with every movement.

Leo breathed out slowly, trying to think. If it was the same, they’d need Shredder to open that one too. “Anything else you saw?”

“The Foot—” Donnie sputtered into another coughing fit.

Mikey put a hand to his shell. “You ok?”

Don took a moment to answer, trying to find his breath. “I could use some water.”

“Here.” Leo reached through the bars and rolled his water bottle in Don’s direction. Mikey picked it up and handed it to him, both noting it was still nearly full.

“Leo, you need—“

“I’m alright Don. Drink up.”

The purple-banded turtle was about to argue when another coughing fit overtook him. He swallowed some water to sooth the burning in his chest.

“What about the Foot?”

“I think,” He took a moment to catch his breath. “Because this place is so secluded, I think Shredder has limited Foot soldiers down here. It’s possible he could call for more if he needed, but we’d at least have a window of time while they were on their way.”

Leo logged that piece into his mental puzzle of escape plans. This was good. The more information the better. If Donnie was right –and he usually was- then the limited soldiers would make escape easier, but they’d still be stopped cold at those doors. There had to be a way past them. “Nice work Don.” For the first time since being thrown in here, Leo felt like he might be able to formulate some sort of plan. “Now you should get some rest.”

“I don’t—“ He coughed again, taking a sip of water. “I don’t think I could sleep now if I wanted to.” His body may be tired, but his mind was racing with possibilities and statistical outcomes of different escape scenarios.

Mikey’s mind, however, was more compliant. As he leaned close to his brother, his eyes had started to droop, his arm still on Donnie’s shell. “Yeah Leo ‘sleep is for the weak’, or so Raph would say.” At the mention of their brother, the turtles fell silent. Mikey had regretted saying it the moment it left his mouth. His guilt suddenly returned with a vengeance. “What do you think Shredder’s doing to him?” He asked quietly.

The older two were silent a moment, neither wanting to know the answer to that question. “Nothing he can’t handle.” Leo finally spoke, trying to be positive. Images of what his brother’s torture might involve flashed through his mind and he shook his head; burry it. Had to burry it. No time for guilt. No time for fear. They were finally onto a way out of this mess, he couldn’t let anything cloud his judgment right now.

Donnie put a hand to the one Mikey had on his shoulder. “Don’t worry Mikey. He’ll be ok.”

 

* * *

 

Raph sagged in his cuffs, his wrists burning from holding his weight. Shredder had turned the table vertical again and Raph preferred it that way. It may hurt more, but he felt less exposed. Shredder had been taking it easy on him so far, probably wanting to enjoy his torment rather than get it over with quickly. But Raph knew his game. He’d proven last time that when his enemy got angry, he got careless. Donnie had told him about the light in the prison flickering, and Raph guessed Shredder hadn’t meant to take it that far. But when the ninja refused to give in, his capture had to have his victory at any cost.

Raph knew a thing or two about anger.

He figured that if he could rowel Shredder up enough, he could get him to make a mistake. Give away an escape, a location, or any kind of detail that might help get his brothers out of here. It was a long shot, but it was all he had. Not to mention the longer Shredder was with him, the safer his brothers were.

“You ain’t bored already… are ya?” Raph asked between gasps for air, noting Shredder seemed less enthused than he was last time. Maybe he was getting to him already?

The Jonin turned his back to Raph, a hand to his chin. Bored? No no, merely contemplating. He’d already shocked the life from this one once- and if he was being honest he’d gotten bored with that form of torture after having used it on all three victims thus far. The katana was too quick, too absolute; there wasn’t as much time to savor all the little moments of pain. In fact, most all the weapons on his wall didn’t seem to suit the situation. What to do?

Raising a hand, Shredder commanded a soldier to come to him with a vial of purple liquid. Shredder looked it over a moment, deciding whether or not he wanted to use it on this turtle. He had been saving it for a special purpose.

“Perhaps it is time.”

“You know what I could really go for right now?” Mikey asked, not really waiting for an answer. “Ice cream.”

“Ice cream?” Leo peeked an eye open from his meditative position in the middle of his cell. “Over pizza?”

“Too hot for pizza, bro.” Though if pizza was offered, he certainly wouldn’t turn it down.

“Don, you better check his temperature, Mikey’s gotta be sick.” Leo’s sarcastic tone brought a smile to both brothers.

Don sat up to feel his brother’s temperature anyways; noting that Mikey still insisted it was too warm when the room was getting decidedly cold. Putting a hand to his forehead, Donnie’s eyes furrowed in worry. “Mikey, you’re hot.”

“See bro,” Mikey called to Leo. “I told you I had all the good looks.”

Leo smiled, eyes closing back into meditation.

“I’m serious. Let me see your cut.” Don shifted to a sitting position slowly, still unbelievably sore from his ordeal. Moving the sweater, he peered at the wound on his brother’s chest and detected more inflammation than before. He immediately took Leo’s water and poured some over the wound, trying to get a better look. Mikey pulled away in a wince.

“Dude!”

“I’m sorry, but your cut isn’t looking good.” He pulled the sweater tight again, shaking his head. “You may be getting an infection.”

“If good looks are infectious, then I’m an epidemic.” Mikey replied coolly, quoting a line from a soap opera he’d seen before.

“Mikey.” Don’s tone was stern, trying to get his brother to take him seriously. “Drink this—“ he handed over the water bottle. “—And try to get some rest. Your body needs it to heal.”

“Heh,” Mikey took a sip. “Hello pot, my name’s kettle. Have we met?”

Don rolled his eyes, not able to stop the grin that tugged at his lips.

Leo stood from his spot; while it interrupted his meditation, he enjoyed hearing his siblings banter. Mikey’s positivity had returned with a vengeance, and Donnie seemed more certain than ever that they could find an escape. They were catching their second wind. “He’s right. You both should sleep.”

“But what about—“

“I’ll keep an eye out for Raph.” Leo interjected, knowing what his youngest brother was about to ask. “I’ll wake you up when he gets back.” If the door didn’t wake them up first.

“I don’t—“

“Rest Donnie. You’ll need it.”

 

* * *

 

Shredder had used nearly every weapon at his disposal on this turtle, and still he was unsatisfied with the results. He could see his victim was in pain, but he still remained spiteful, glaring at the Jonin every time he opened his eyes. His mouth was starting to get on Shredder’s nerve; the insults Raph hurled were nothing impressive, but they were still a sign of defiance that should have been wiped from him hours ago. The turtle was more stubborn than he thought.

Turning to his beaten captive, Shredder noticed his eyes were fighting to stay open; clearly the torment was becoming too much for his body, even if his brain –or lack there of- remained steadfast. The perfect time for his new weapon.

“Hey, tin for brains… I’m talkin’ to you.” Raph called, trying not to sound as weak as he felt. It seemed as though he’d been here for hours, but how much time had actually passed was beyond him. Shredder had been going to town, beating him with every blunt instrument and painful object he could find. But Raph remained vigilant. He was beyond grateful to have been given this chance to protect his baby brother, and he wasn’t gonna let it go to waste. If he could keep Shredder here all night (or day?) he would. And hopefully, in that time, Don and Leo would be able to figure a way out of here. “We still doin’ this… or what?” Try as he might, he couldn’t help the breathiness in his tone. His body was tired. Aching. And desperate for time to heal.

But his brothers were safe. That’s what mattered.

“I must say, I am impressed with your stamina.” Shredder finally turned, pulling the purple vial from his pocket. “You’re the perfect candidate to try my new weapon.” Taking a needle from his soldier, Shredder loaded the vile and flicked the needle. “I tested earlier versions of this serum on your brother,” Shredder waited for a reaction, but Raph remained calm. “He didn’t take it too well. Even his screams were weak.” At that the turtle glared, jerking against his restraints as if trying to throw a fist at Shredder. The Jonin chuckled. “Not to worry. The final product is much more impressive. I’m sure you’ll find it to your high pain-tolerating standards.”

Raph’s green eyes flared with anger as Shredder pricked the needle into his skin, emptying the vile. Whatever this guy was planning, he’d be ready for it. He could take it.

“Being that you’re our first test subject, I’m going to need you to be honest.” Shredder’s voice was as cavalier as ever. “Ready?”

Raph spit in Shredder’s direction. The Jonin smiled, eyes dancing in excitement.

“Hajime!”

Raph’s cuffs burst with electricity, shocking him as they had many times before. He wondered what was so different about—

“AH!” A small cry escaped his lips before he even felt it coming. His entire body was suddenly in agony, pulling him apart from the inside out. Raph bit his lip to keep from screaming. He pulled against his restraints, desperate to get away from the pain. It felt as though something was clawing at his insides, ripping every cell from his body, one by one. His eyes were locked shut, futilely trying to block out the torment. Even after all he’d been through already, Raph had never known pain like this. His lips trembled as he tried desperately to keep any shout from escaping, but it was a losing battle.

His mouth finally opened, releasing a cry of agony.

 

* * *

 

Leo had been slowly pacing his cell, watching as his brothers finally fell into sleep. He couldn’t help but stare at them, looking over every injury he could see with sad eyes. It was his fault. They were hurt because of him. Because of his bad leadership.

No. Don’t fall into that trap. Guilt later. 

He shook his head, shoving all emotions back their pit. His brothers were alive… that’s what mattered.

With the information Donnie had given him, he finally had a decent plan of escape formulating. The fact that they were underwater shouldn’t be an issue; no way Shredder was down here without a way back to the surface on hand. And with a limited number of Foot soldiers, it shouldn’t be too difficult to take them down. The biggest problem was, of course, Shredder himself. Not only was he able to restrain/shock them at the push of a button, but he was also the only one who could open both doors standing between them and the exit. How were they to—

Leo turned his head toward the door at the faint sound of a scream.

Raph…

The leader closed his eyes a moment, trying desperately not to think about what his brother was going through right now. Raph wasn’t one to admit to pain, so to hear him cry out like that… it made Leo shudder.

Burry it. Find a way out. That’s the only way to save them. Find a way out.

Shredder’s lips curled in delight as he raised a hand to stop the shocks.

Raph gasped for breath, his lungs burning as though he’d just drowned. His body fell, unable to hold itself up. Unable to move at all. Everything ached. Everything burned. Everything. Raph’s eyes were wide with terror at what he’d just experienced. What the hell was that!? He forced himself to calm down, stifling the panic that still gripped his mind.

Shredder paraded over, dripping with pomposity. “Now remember, be honest,” He lifted Raph’s head to look him in his drooping eyes. “How did that feel?”

Raph coughed, unable to answer as his body still desperately cried for oxygen. No. He couldn’t let Shredder get to him. He forced his eyes up to glare at his capture, contempt in his every feature, as a strained smirk crossed his lips. “…Tickled…” He panted, satisfied at the anger that flitted through Shredders eyes.

The Jonin stepped back. This turtle was trying his patience. “Again!”

Pain engulfed him. Raph snapped his eyes shut, his body lurching away from the table, trying desperately to pull free from this hell. He trapped the scream clawing it’s way up his throat, but couldn’t stop his body from convulsing as though trying to tear away from his shell. He knew he couldn’t hold out much longer. His mind was reeling, unable to compute anything but the pain, desperate to make it stop.

Had to hold out. Had to keep it together. His youngest brother’s baby blue eyes popped into his mind.

Had to protect his brothers.

Trying to find strength he knew he didn’t have, Raph opened his eyes to glare at his capture, despite the agony.

Shredder narrowed his eyes. Stubborn turtle… “Zouka!”

No! No more! Raph barely held himself together as his body screamed. He couldn’t take it anymore. “AAAAAAAAH!” His cry was of pure misery. Every part of him was drowning in agony. Pain coursed through every nerve, tearing at anything in it’s way.

Shredder smiled. At last.

 

* * *

 

Leo took a calming breath when the scream stopped. It was short, but that brought only a modicum of comfort. Raph was hurting and Leo couldn’t save him. He was hurting because he was smart enough to save Mikey when Leo wasn’t. He was hurting because his leader had failed to do his job.

He was hurting because of Leo.

The leader tightened his hands into fists. Breathe. Had to stay calm. Clear the mind. Raph will be ok. Stop worrying and find a way out.

Finally getting control of himself, Leo sat in the middle of his cell, preparing to meditate again.

Another cry. This one louder. Leo first looked to his brothers, thankful to see it had not woken them. This was a torment he’d rather bear alone. He stood once again, walking to the edge of his cell and grasping the bars, grateful for their cold touch against his sweaty hands. Had to stay calm.

“Hang in there Raph…”

Leo lowered his head to rest on the bars as his hands gripped his cell tighter, turning his knuckles white.

“Hang in there.”

 

* * *

 

Stopping the torment, Raph once again fell against the table. He couldn’t feel anything. Couldn’t move anything. His eyes were heavy as bricks and his body felt as though it had torn apart and thrown itself all over the room. The only thing that kept him conscious was thoughts of his brothers. The longer he kept Shredder busy, the safer they were. Stay awake. Just stay awake.

“And now?” The Jonin stepped forward, enjoying how weak the turtle looked. “How was that?”

Raph coughed, wincing in pain at the movement. His mind begged him to admit defeat; anything to avoid more torture. “Barely… felt it…” He grasped for breath as he spoke, his lungs still desperately seeking oxygen. He had to hide the fear that crept under his skin at Shredder’s disdain. Please… no more.

But he held his glare steady, not letting his enemy see his weakness.

“Stubbornness,” Shredder marched closer, his own eyes narrowed in annoyance. “Is not bravery.” He grabbed Raph by the chin, looking him over a moment before throwing him away. “We’re done here.”

Raph nearly sighed in relief, but held it back.

“It’s time to try my new toy on the youngest brother.”

Raph tensed, eyes suddenly wide open. No, he wouldn’t let that happen. No way he was letting his baby brother go through what he just had! No way. “We’re not… done here…” He paused a moment to try and gather his breath. Who knew speaking took so much effort?

Shredder ignored him, turning to walk away.

“You no-talent hack… You can’t handle… one measly turtle?” He coughed, ignoring the pain that flared through his chest and back. “You’re as bad… as your lackeys…”

The Jonin shook his head at the turtle’s attempts to rouse him. Enough, he was bored of this. He raised a hand to have his soldiers take Raph down as he walked toward the door.

Raph panicked; Shredder wasn’t stopping. He had to get to him. To keep him here. Keep him away from his brothers. He drew a deep breath, throwing out a desperate insult. “Almost as bad… as that daughter of yours… what was her name? Karai?”

Shredder froze, his soldiers stopping as their master held up a hand to keep Raph where he was. Slowly turning, he glared daggers at the turtle. “You impudent reptile. You will not speak her name again.”

Raph couldn’t believe it worked. Keep it going. Keep him here. “Yeah? You ashamed?” He grasped at air, trying to sound as strong as he could. “I would be… she was a pretty terrible soldier…” He couldn’t help the cough that spewed from his throat. Stay strong. It was working.

Shredder’s eyes spiked from mildly annoyed to enraged in a matter of seconds. His soldiers stepped back in fear as he stomped towards Raph, anger pouring from every feature. “You will not speak of her again!” His face was merely inches away from Raphael.

“You must not have taught her well.”

“How dare you—“

“She was a failure of a soldier.”

Shredder seethed.

“Probably deserved what she got—“

“Enough!”

“—Being abandoned by her own father—”

“ENOUGH!!” Shredder raised his hand in the air, forcing a blade from his armor and sliced at Raph in pure furry. Again. And Again. A shout of anger ringing through the hall as he came down on the turtle with one last hit.

Raph eyes flew open, a sudden stinging pain erupting from his chest and robbing him of breath. He looked down to see two of Shredder’s blades jutting out from his body; one in his shoulder and the other just below it in his plastron. Shell… Leo was gonna kill him. Still, he couldn’t help but grin; he’d won this round. He’d found Shredder’s weak spot.

Shredder breathed heavily as he took a step back, still glowering at his enemy. How dare he… How dare he! His eyes widened when he saw the turtle look up at him with a small chuckle on his lips. He was laughing!? Shredder grit his teeth, unable to control his anger. “Zouka!”

The soldier at the computer stared at his Master a moment, unsure if he should adhere to the Jonin’s rage driven actions. His doubts were silenced by the ire in his Master’s eyes. “ZOUKA!”

Electricity burst from Raphs cuffs, attacking the metal blades stuck in his body like a bullet from a gun. Searing Pain erupted from his chest, engulfing him within seconds.

Raph screamed.

 

* * *

 

Leo had managed to fall back into meditation, hoping that doing so would steady his nerves and keep his mind off his brother. But only a few minutes after the last, another sound roared through the air.

A cry of pain like nothing Leo had ever heard.

His brothers were startled awake by the noise, Mikey sitting to his knees as Donnie grabbed his shell to keep him from moving too much.

The cry bellowed through the room, drowning the turtles in bone-chilling anguish. Donnie squeezed his eyes shut as he placed his hands over his brother’s ears.

Leo grabbed the bars in front of him once again, desperation shaking from his hands.

Raph!

 

* * *

 

His chest was in excruciating agony, unable to escape it. His body lurched to get away, but it only dug the blades deeper. His mind was gone, lost to the pain. He squinted to see Shredder still staring him down, rage seething from every breath. Raph’s eyes slammed shut as he writhed under the heel of torment. This wasn’t going to end. Shredder wasn’t going to stop.

Another scream quaked from Raph’s body.

Finally the torture ceased. Raph fell against the table, his head jerked up by Shredder’s tight fist.

“Never. Again.” Anger. Rage. Furry. None enough to describe what burned in the Jonin’s eyes that moment. Raph couldn’t help but feel victorious. Had he enough strength, he would have laughed.

His vision blurred as his head rolled in Shredder’s grasp. His brothers… had he protected them? Would they be safe? Please… let them be safe.

Mikey. Donnie.

“Leo…”

His world went black.

 

* * *

 

Silence.

Dead silence.

Nobody moved. Nobody breathed.

The scream that tore through the prison moments ago was gone from the air, but it echoed in the turtle’s ears. It had been a cry of pain like no other. Raph’s pain. What had they done to him? What could possibly cause their brother to cry out in such a manner? Donnie had a few ideas, and every one of them made him sick. Mikey’s mind was no better, playing the moment Raph took his place over and over again, haunting him. His stomach was twisting in knots.

Footsteps.

He was coming. His metal boots clanging against the concrete floor, shattering the stillness of the air.

Leonardo stood and listened, his eyes narrow. “He’s back.” The words jostled his 2 brothers from their thoughts, forcing them to stand in anticipation.

In fear.

The ‘what if’s’ that stormed through Leo’s mind were terrifying, shaking him to his core. He took a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Stay calm. Keep it together. Whatever happened, whatever he’d done, Leo would remain in control.

The door opened as the footsteps entered the room, echoing through the hall.

The brothers held their breath.

Shredder moved with such confidence- an air of dominance radiating from his every strut.

Leo glared, eyes locked on his enemy. “Where is he?” His voice a low growl, already betraying his calm with a flicker of anger. His brothers’ eyes darted, trying to spot their missing sibling, desperation choking their every thought. Where was Raph!?

Shredder’s eyes turned to Leo, dancing with arrogance. “Anxious to see you all, I’m sure.” With a nod of his head, the cell beside Leo was opened. “Bring him in.”

Foot soldiers came into view, dragging a body behind them.

Watching in satisfaction, a small smile crept behind his metal mask as all eyes left him to stare at the body. All except Leonardo’s.

Mikey couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped his throat at the streak of blood that dragged behind his brother. Fear gripped him tighter than it ever had before as he fought to keep himself from shouting Raph’s name; they couldn’t let Shredder see.

Donnie pressed closer to the bars of his cell, desperately searching his brother’s body for injuries, but he was too far away. The blood on the floor sent a shiver down his spine as he silently begged whatever higher-power-may-be that it was fixable. His stomach churned as he stared at the blood. Raph’s blood.

The eldest glowered, eyes fiery with contempt. It took all his strength to remain standing where he was and not reach for Shredder’s throat, but the anger that flared across his face was unhindered.

“Leadership is influence. Look where yours has led them.”

Leo felt guilt stab at his heart, but he remained stone-faced, slamming the feeling back down in it’s hole.

Turning to leave, Shredder couldn’t help a small, wicked chuckle at the 3 ninjas, all now staring at him with tempered defiance. He could see the panic behind their masks of contempt.

He could see Leo’s fury.

He’d finally struck a nerve.

The door slammed behind him, ringing in the brothers’ ears as they tried not to allow their emotions to get the better of them. Anger, exhaustion, pain.

Fear.

Leo dropped to a knee pressing his head against the bars to get as close to his brother as possible. Donnie’s eyes still searched, trying to find signs of life.

“Leo, is he—“

“I don’t know.” He listened a moment, fear gripping his body at the prolonged silence “I-… I can’t hear him breathing…”

“No…” Donnie’s eyes were wide, his breath caught in his throat. This couldn’t be happening… this couldn’t be real.

Mikey couldn’t take it. He grabbed the bars in front of him, staring at his brother’s crumbled body as he called his name, desperate to hear a response. His breath ceased to come, waiting with anticipation for a reply. A grunt. A moan. Anything!

“Raph? RAPH!”

Silence.

Dead silence.


	8. Brothers

Shredder stomped down the hallway to the surveillance room, ordering his men away. He needed to be alone. That damned turtle! He would pay for his insolence!

It had taken Shredder a few minutes to calm down before he was able to take his victim back to his brothers; he’d already made the mistake of letting Raph see his anger, he wouldn’t show it to the other three. And truth be told, his malice was curbed slightly by revelry at the site of the turtles’ worry. They had tried to hide their fear behind masks of defiance, but were only mildly successful. Shredder had seen the slew of emotions behind their eyes and it put him in a much better mood.

And Leonardo.

His glaring contempt every time Shredder entered the room was finally broken, if only momentarily. The leader had let his fury streak across his face unhindered and Shredder still found victory as he thought of it.

But even so, after he’d left them wallowing in worry, he couldn’t help the rage that boiled just below the surface. Raph had struck a nerve. A tender –and now exposed- nerve. He knew his actions were likely to come back and bite him later, but he still felt no regret in what he did. If Raph survived –which Shredder didn’t think he would- he was likely to tell his brothers their capture’s weak point, which they would be sure to poke at every chance they got.

No matter. His plan was still in tact, albeit altered slightly. He hadn’t expected to take any of the turtle’s lives so soon, and it had been Mikey he’d wanted to kill first. The loss of their youngest was sure to have been a crippling blow. But he supposed it didn’t matter; either way, they were going to die.

Shredder pulled an item from his armor and held it in trembling hands. Karai… His apprentice. His heir. His daughter. Since the day she’d been taken from him, he had vowed vengeance. It was because of these fowl reptiles she’d been torn from his grasp, possibly never to be seen again. Watching her fall into that black hole, he’d felt as though a part of him was wretched from his body; the despair he’d felt had been immeasurable. Just as when he’d lost Tang Shen.

But he would not suffer alone.

If he was meant to rot in this hell of eternal torment, his enemies would rot with him. It didn’t matter how long it took, he would break these vermin in every way possible. And when they begged for it to end, when they finally admitted defeat, he would tear the life from their eyes and throw their shells to the sea.

Then he would have his vengeance.

Steadying his hands with a deep breath, Shredder replaced the item back in it’s spot before looking to the surveillance camera; whether the battered turtle lived or died was of no consequence, but he would enjoy watching the brother’s try to put him back together. And when he had recovered control of himself, he would again take another. For now…

“Let the show begin.”

 

* * *

 

Raph’s body was on a diagonal, facing the wall and the bars opposite Leo, which made it impossible for any of the brother’s to see if his chest was still rising and falling with breath. His head was at least close to Leo, but not close enough that he could reach through the bars.

“Raph!! Come on bro, say something! RAPH!” Mikey had been shouting for several minutes, desperate to hear his brother speak. Or move. Or breathe. Whenever he stopped yelling long enough to listen for a reply, the stillness that choked the room was terrifying.

Donnie could only watch in silence as Leo desperately tried to reach his brother. He couldn’t even tell how badly Raph was injured to his position in his cell. There was nothing he could do until Leo got a hold of him and could describe what he saw, meaning for now, Donnie was once again completely useless. Blood pumped through his body at an alarming rate, fear gripping every thought. “Come on Raph…” His quiet pleas smothered by the terror strangling the prison.

Leo tried for the umpteenth time to reach his brother. He still could not hear breathing, nor see any signs of life. Raph just lay there, motionless.

Deathly still.

No! No, he was alive! He had to be! “Almost—“ Leo squeezed through the bars as far as physically possible, his hand brushing the back of Raph’s shell. He crawled his fingers up to the top of the carapace, finally managing to get a decent grip. “There!” It was no easy feat dragging his brother closer with only one arm; Raph was a big guy. But Leo’s desperation was equal to the task. “I gottcha Raph.”

“Leo!”

“Hang on, I’m checking for a pulse.”

“No Leo, look!” Donnie pointed to the area Raph had previously been laying where a large pool of blood had collected, streaking to where he lay now.

“Raph…” Mikey squeaked the name out as dread strangled the air from his lungs.

Leo’s eyes flickered with panic for a moment before he placed two fingers on his brother’s neck, waiting for the familiar pounding of a heartbeat.

“Is he breathing? Does he have a pulse?” Donnie was pressed against his cell, everything in him desperate to be at his brother’s side.

Leo held his fingers in place, still waiting.

Nothing.

“Do you feel anything!?”

Leo pressed his fingers firmer to the skin.

Nothing.

“Come on Leo!” Mikey shouted. “Tell us what’s going on!!”

“Can you feel a pulse!?”

“Quiet!” Leo shouted, fear starting to clench his heart. He pressed his fingers harder against his brother’s neck, desperation screaming that he keep trying.

Don and Mikey watched their leader, panic gripping their very souls.

“Nothing…” Leo finally whispered in disbelief.

“What?”

“I can’t feel anything Don. No pulse.”

Mikey’s eyes widened as something inside him began to break. “No… No, you have to try harder! He isn’t—! He can’t be—!” Unable to finish the thought, the orange-banded turtle tightened his grip on the bars in front of him.

Donnie’s heart was pounding in his throat, everything screaming to get out of here so he could get to his brother and fix him. Save him. His mind raced trying to find a solution. “T-Try CPR. Maybe he just needs a jolt!” His voice was trembling as he tried to keep himself from giving in to despair.

“Would that even work through his plastron?”

“I—“ Donnie wasn’t thinking entirely straight. His mind was fogging over as sorrow fought against logic. “I don’t know!” There had to be something he could do!

“Come on Raph. Wake up.” Leo spoke for his brother’s ears only. He tried once more, putting a finger to Raph’s neck, closing his eyes to focus. Please… come back.

A thump! Leo felt a faint drum against his fingers! It was weak and slow, but it was there! Leo hesitated to speak, afraid he might jynx it.

Raph spit out a slight cough as he tried to open his eyes, blood seeping over his lips.

Mikey jumped at hearing his brother still alive, a smile taking over his face. “RAPH!!”

“Thank God...” Donnie sighed out the breath he’d been holding, sliding to his knees in exhaustion. His body wasn’t in any condition to handle this kind of stress.

“We thought we’d lost ya bro!”

Raph was thankful his shell was to his brother’s so they couldn’t see the pain that gripped his face in that moment. “Heh, not yet.” He spit some more blood. “Shred-head gave it his best shot though.”

Mikey barely heard what he’d said, relief sweeping over him like a tidal wave. Raph was alive! His voice was weak and his hoarse breathing could be heard even from across the room, but he was alive!

“It’s good to hear you, Raph.” Leo grasped his brother’s shell, helping him to fall onto his back as he pulled him closer to the wall so he could lean on it. “How do you feel?”

“If I tell ya… you’ll just lecture me on using bad language.” Raph rasped, happy to be leaning on the wall and not prone on the floor.

Leo grinned. “Good to see your personality’s in tact.”

Raph managed a single chuckle which turned into a heavy cough, spitting up blood that now trickled down his neck. Leo put a hand to his shell, helping steady him.

“You alright?”

Raph took a labored breath. “I’ll live… I think.”

Seizing the moment of stillness, Leo took a look at his brother’s injuries. His body was covered in more cuts, bruises, and burns than you could shake a stick at, but most weren’t deep enough to be a problem. There were a few gashes in his chest and stomach that might need immediate attention, but nothing they couldn’t deal with.

“How does he look Leo?” Don called from his cell, sensing the tension that filled the air again.

“Minor injuries everywhere you look. Nothing too seri—“ He stopped cold upon looking at Raph’s right side.

“Leo?” Mikey’s voice was soft, terrified at his brother’s sudden silence.

“He’s been stabbed.”

“What!?” Both brothers shouted in unison. Don pressed for more info, desperate to help. “Where?”

“One’s in his shoulder and the other a couple inches below in his plastron. Both on the right side.” Thank God it wasn’t the left or they wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Mikey caught a gasp in his throat as Donnie shook the panic from his mind. Stay focused. Keep calm and assess.

“It’s just a scratch. No big.” Raph tried to wave them off, but the brothers weren’t having it. Donnie still needed more information if he was going to help.

“How deep?”

“Can’t tell, there’s too much blood.”

“What happened!?” Donnie turned his eyes to Raph who tried at a smile.

“Let’s just say Shredder lived up to his name.”

“I told you your mouth was gonna get you in trouble one day.” Leo’s banter was more to cover his worry than to lecture. His medical knowledge was limited, supplies were non-existent, and these wounds were serious. Life threatening. Or so Leo guessed by how much blood was pouring from them. Had to find a way to stop the bleeding.

“Do you have any water left?”

Leo looked around Raph’s cell at Don’s inquiry. The injured turtle grabbed the bottle by his side –silently thanking the universe that it hadn’t been on the other side of the cell- and handed it to his older brother. “Yeah, a bit.”

“Pour some on the wound to clean it as much as you can. Try to find the depth and direction of the cut; it’s the only way to find if anything major was hit.” Donnie’s voice was calm and methodical, his mind finally winning the battle between logic and panic. He could fix it… everything would ok.

Picking up the bottle, Leo highly doubted he had enough water to do the job. But what other options were there? “Don’t punch me for doing this.” He said, knowing full well how Raph reacted to pain.

“No promises…” Raph’s voice was growing ever more feeble.

As Leo poured the water over his wounds, Raph jerked in pain, forcing himself not to allow even a groan to escape his lips; he could already see Mikey inwardly freaking out and he didn’t want to give them any more reason to worry.

Only a few sips of water remained by the time Leo stopped. He hadn’t gotten a great look, but he could tell it was deep. Very deep. Possibly almost piercing through to Raph’s back. “I need something to stop the bleeding.” Leo called to his brothers as he placed his hands on the wounds for now. He was fighting not to admit out loud what his mind was already starting to calculate; without being able to close the wounds properly, his brother was going to bleed out. Quickly. And there wasn’t a thing Leo could do about it.

“Don, untie my sweater.” Mikey turned his shell to his brother.

“No Mikey, you need—“

"My cut's healing, I'll be fine without it!" He turned to face his brother, a fearful plea in his eyes that Don hated seeing. "Raph needs it more."

Don paused. “Turn around.” He untied the sweater, carefully peeling it from Mikey’s chest and throwing it to Leo. “Use the other side, it’s pretty clean.”

"Mikey's sweater? Clean? I ain't buying it." Raph joked as his older brother folded the sweater so it would cover both wounds and pressed it hard to Raph's body. A small cry of pain couldn't be helped as his shoulder ached from the pressure. "Sorry Raph."

“I always said you were a pain in my a—ah!”

Leo grinned slightly, despite himself. “Just keep your mouth shut and eyes open. No passing out, got it?”

“You’re always bossin’ me around.” Though in this case, Leo was right; he needed to stay awake. From what he could see of the blood that was leaking from him, passing out might mean he wouldn’t wake up again.

“Leo, how bad are they? Did you get a good look? Did they hit anything vital?” Donnie was able to see more of Raph’s wounds now that the water had cleared some blood away, but the worse ones were under the sweater. It was killing him not being able to be at his brother’s side. Not being able to help.

“I couldn’t get a clear view, not enough water.” Leo’s voice was steady as he put more pressure on the wounds; they were still gushing blood.

“Could you at least see how deep they were?”

“Not entirely.”

Donnie was getting frustrated; Leo was holding something back when Don needed all the facts. “Well is the bleeding stopped? How’s his pulse? His breath sounds ragged from over here, can you see any—“

“It’s bad Donnie…” Leo interjected, his voice still even as he kept his eyes on the injury beneath the sweater.

Don had to swallow the fear that crawled up his throat, threatening to make him cry in panic. “How bad?”

“It looks like it might have pierced almost through to his back.”

“That bad? ...huh.” Raph had been in too much pain all over to realize the full extend of his injuries.

Mikey’s eyes widened. What was he saying? “But… you can still fix it, right?”

Leo kept his eyes on the task at hand, not saying a word.

“Leo?” His brother’s silence was terrifying. “You can fix him, right? With Donnie’s help, you can fix him.” It was becoming less of a question and more of a desperate demand.

The leader in blue stared at the blood soaked sweater beneath his hands; what could he say? Taking a silent, calming breath, Leo looked up at his youngest brother, giving him the most confident face he could muster. “I’ll do everything I can Mikey.”

As Leo looked back down to the sweater, his eyes locked with Raph’s for a brief moment. The red-banded ninja wasn’t buying it. He saw something behind Leo’s eyes, he just couldn’t tell what it was. Nothing good. “Don’t worry numb-nuts.” Raph called to Mikey. “Ain’t nothing Shred-head can do to me… that I can’t fight off.”

Donnie had gone silent, his mind whirling with medical statistics and hypothetical outcomes. If the wounds were that deep, whether they hit something major or not, the blood wouldn’t stop flowing before it was too late. If they did manage to clot in time, there was the risk of internal bleeding or infection. Even if Raph had been in peek physical condition, he still would only last a day. Maybe two. Don's mind had put two and two together, but his heart just couldn’t accept it.

Raph was going to die.

And Donnie couldn’t save him.

 

* * *

 

Shredder watched as the scene unfolded before him. He considered going in and taking another victim, just to give the brothers more to worry about, but decided against it; the entertainment provided by watching them attempt to save the one in red was far too good.

He was still debating whether or not he wanted to allow Raph to die. After thinking it through more critically, he realized the turtle’s death may pose a greater problem to his plans than originally thought. Certainly he held no regrets in stabbing the life from him, but this was about strategy. He would not let one moment of uncontrolled fury ruin his entire plan. He knew that once one of the brothers was dead, one of two scenarios would play out:

One: they would break down from grief and despair. All desire to fight back would be lost, and all hope of escape destroyed. And once their spirits were broken, their bodies would break without effort.

Or Two: losing a brother would only enrage them, strengthening their defiance and will to find a way home. Having felt the pang of death once, they might feel they had nothing left to lose and harden themselves to whatever fate might befall the remaining siblings. If this were the case, they would become even harder to break because Shredder would lose his greatest advantage; their worry for each other.

While he was prepared for either scenario, he certainly knew which one he hoped for. But whatever the outcome, it was clear that once one of the four died, he would have to move quickly; strong or broken he would be losing leverage and therefore control.

Which is why he was contemplating whether or not to help the vile turtle that lay dying in his cell. Truthfully, he’d rather watch him die. Slowly. Painfully. But moving up his timeline so drastically meant making alterations he might not have time to make. Nor was he sure he wanted to. He was thoroughly enjoying the torment these four were going through, and he didn’t want to cut it short if he could avoid it.

But then the turtle had insulted his daughter.

He deserved to die for that.

 

* * *

 

It had only been an hour since Raph was thrown back in his cell, but to his brothers it was an eternity. Mikey hands had gone numb from how hard he was gripping his cell, Donnie had nearly paced a hole in the floor, and Leo hadn’t moved from his spot with his hands pressed over the sweater on Raph’s injuries.

Mikey had tried to lighten the mood a few times with a joke, but every time Raph attempted a laugh it just turned into a blood filled gag which worried everyone even more. Donnie had been staying pretty calm, constantly asking Leo for updates on what he saw, if the blood had stopped, if any other wounds were bleeding, the list went on. But Mikey could see the desperation behind his eyes; Don wanted to be beside his brother, doing something useful. It was driving him out of his mind being stuck in this cage while Raph suffered not 15 feet away, and Mikey could see it. 

Raph still seemed to be in good spirits. He’d jibe back at Mikey every time he cracked a joke, but his voice was weak and getting weaker. Every breath sounded like he’d run a marathon to catch it. Of course he never admitted out loud how much pain he was in, but Mikey could see that too. It felt like being punched in the gut every time Raph grimaced, or coughed, or groaned in pain at the pressure Leo kept putting on his shoulder. His conscience was tearing him apart with the guilt of knowing it should have been him. Raph volunteered to save him from pain, and now he was suffering because of it. Why was he always such a burden to his brothers?

Why couldn’t he protect them for once?

The only one who seemed unaffected by the situation was Leo. He’d kept his calm demeanor, his voice didn’t sound stressed or worried, and his hands didn’t even shake as he kept constant pressure on the wound. Mikey knew Leo had always been great at compartmentalizing; he was leader after all, he had to do it all the time. Probably more than Mikey knew. But this was different… this wasn’t a fight they were losing or a mission they couldn’t complete. This was his brother bleeding out beside him with no rescue on the way.

How did he stay so calm?

Eventually Raph caved to Donnie’s prodding and told them about his latest bout with Shredder. He kept the story as superficial as possible, skipping any details he could about how painful it all was. He’d made sure to tell them about Shredder’s reaction to the mention of Karai; next time they were taken they might be able to use it to their advantage.

“That’s when I blacked out.” He finished his story, having to catch his breath after using so much of it. “Next thing I knew… I was back here… starin’ at all your ugly mugs.”

Donnie’s mind was racing, trying to compute everything he’d heard. “Wait, so Shredder stabbed you and then shocked you?”

“Yeah…?”

“But then how—…?” Donnie trailed off.

“How what?” Raph looked at his brother quizzically.

Don wasn’t sure he wanted to voice his logic. “How did you survive that?”

Raph spit some blood that was gathering in his mouth. “Dunno.” He hadn’t really thought about it. “You survived the shocks too.”

“Raph, you had two metal conductors sticking out of your chest. I guarantee you passed out because your heart stopped beating. And without CPR or a way to jumpstart your heart, it shouldn’t have…” He stopped, not wanting to finish that thought. It wasn’t that he was ungrateful, it just made no sense. His logical mind was searching for a ‘how’.

Raph got what his brother was driving at, but he had no answers for him. “Guess I’m just lucky…” He spat some more blood, trying to clear his airways.

“Here.” Leo offered him the last sips of water left in the bottle. Raph accepted, finding it disturbing how hard it was to hold the bottle to his lips.

“Maybe Raph’s actually been Superman all this time and we didn’t know it. We’re already mutants, alien isn’t that far off… think about it!”

Raph couldn’t help a small chuckle at Mikey’s train of thought. “Superman huh? Can’t say… I’d argue with that…” Though with how weak his voice was he certainly didn’t sound like Superman.

“Mikey, if Raph was Superman, we’d all be Supermen. We’re brothers.” Donnie corrected, not entirely sure why he was reasoning out such a ridiculous idea. “Besides, Superman’s invulnerable, he couldn’t get stabbed.”

“Not unless that vial Shredder had was Kryptonite!” It was making more and more sense to Mikey by the minute.

“Speaking of,” Leo interjected, sorry to be disturbing the rare moment of lifted tension amongst the four. “Any idea what that was?”

Raph shook his head. “Notta clue. But I can tell you… it didn’t tickle…” His body ached at the memory.

“Don?” Leo looked to his brother across the room who had a hand to his chin. “You said you’d experienced something similar.”

“Similar, but not the same. From what Raph described, it sounds like that serum was made with some sort of electrolyte superconductor that drew the electrical current straight to your nervous system, supercharging your pain receptors, and causing them to fire off signals to your brain at an increasingly rapid rate that—“

“English Donnie… English…” Raph breathed.

“Uh… ok, like the blades. This serum acted as a conductor and drew the electricity straight to it. And since it was coating your nerves, the pain receptors were suddenly overpowered, which is what cause such an extreme level of pain.”

Don looked over at Mikey who still looked confused. “Electricity + pain receptors = very very painful.”

“Ooooh…” Mikey still wasn’t sure he understood the science behind it, but he’d certainly picked up on the ‘painful’ part. It made his time with Shredder seem like child’s play. 

“Was that anything like what he used on you?” Leo asked.

“Sort of. Not quite as extreme. Those ones actually—“ He glanced over to Mikey, noting how worried he’d looked at Raph’s story, and decided detail wasn’t necessary. “—were not at all the same.”

Leo caught his brother’s eye and understood, moving the conversation along. “Where would Shredder get access to something like that? His Foot soldiers certainly aren’t that capable.”

“Stupid. The word you’re looking… for… is stupid.” Raph said, mirroring their conversation on the roof before this whole mess began. Leo smiled.

“Baxter Stockman maybe?” Don thought aloud.

“It’s possible.” Leo pondered that a moment. “But then why isn’t he here?” Unless Shredder didn’t want to share his ‘entertainment’ with others.

“New underwater base, high tech gadgets to keep us subdued, special weapons, and biological warfare? I dunno guys… I think we may have a stalker.”

“He’s clearly been planning this a while.” Don agreed, before turning to Mikey. “Biological warfare? Where did you learn—“

“Comic books bruh! That’s where I get all my smarts from!”

Raph managed a small laugh. “That explains a lot.” He looked to Leo as something finally registered. “Wait… Underwater base?”

“Don believes this whole complex may be underwater.”

Donatello nodded his head. “At least a good 100ft below sea level. I couldn’t get a clear look at the pressure gauge, so it’s possible we could be deeper.”

“How’d Chrom-Dome manage… to get us down here? And shouldn’t we have to do… that… decompression thing?”

“Actually that depends mainly on the type of air Shredder’s pumping through here. If the nitrogen in the air isn’t very high, theoretically we could—“

Donnie was cut off by a sudden loud coughing fit from Raph. His whole body shook as his lungs desperately tried to expel the blood and bile that were collecting in his airways.

Leo helped his brother lean forward, one hand on his shell and the other holding pressure on the sweater. “Easy Raph…”

Mikey turned his eyes downcast, unable to watch his normally stronger-than-life brother in so much pain.

Donnie sat in silence, listening to his brother’s labored coughing. Based on how it sounded, it could be a collapsed lung or a cut in the esophagus. Or it could be both. Or neither. If only he could get Raph back to his lab –or at least be at his side able to have a look- he could do something to help! When the coughing finally stopped, the room went quiet for a few chilling moments. “Raph? You alright?”

“Fine Egg-Head.” He called, his voice shaking from the effort it had taken to get control of his breathing again.

“Leo, how’re the incisions? Are they still bleeding?”

The eldest lifted the now blood-soaked sweater to see red still pouring from the holes. Less so than before, but not at all close to stopping. He looked to the floor. “Yeah Don. Still bleeding.” There had to be something he could do. He would not just sit here and watch his brother die.

Bringing the sweater back over the wounds, he pressed harder, causing a small cry of pain to escape Raph’s lips. “Anyone have any water left?” Leo asked, looking around the room.

Donnie shook his head. “We used it all.”

“I’m ok.” Raph wheezed. After taking a few deep breathes to settle himself, he opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling, his mind wondering everywhere, trying to ignore the pain. “Sorry Mikey…” The apology slipped from his lips so unexpectedly, Raph looked as surprised as his brothers at hearing it. 

“What?” Mikey eyed his brother, confused. “Sorry?”

Well, it was out there now. “I’m sorry… I called ya weak…” It had been bothering him since he said it when Shredder took him. He didn’t regret his actions, but he did regret what he said.

Mikey only shook his head. He knew what Raph was trying to do and hadn’t been insulted. Just afraid. “Don’t worry about it bro. You were probably right anyway.” It was meant as a joke, but there was a hint of sad truth in his tone. He knew he wasn’t as strong as Raph, as strategic as Leo, or even close to as smart as Donnie. He knew he was just the youngest… the burden. His brothers always had to carry him, protect him, keep him safe. They would hurl themselves into any danger if it meant protecting him. 

And it scared him every time.

He was afraid they would get hurt saving him. That his burden on them would be too much. That they’d die for him.

Like Raph was right now.

“Don… smack him for me… will ya?”

Mikey shrugged defensively. “What I do?”

“You’re being… an idiot.”

“What?” He tried to smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know where I stand in the family. I know… I’m just a burden.” He quickly shook his head, not wanting to have this conversation right now. Not while Raph was hurt. “But it’s ok! ‘Cause trying to live up to you guys makes me try harder! And besides, I’ll always be the greatest pizza aficionado in Manhattan.” Or so Don had called him one time. He assumed it was a compliment.

“You’re not weak Mikey.” Leo didn’t look at his brother, but rather kept his eyes on the sweater. “Sometimes a little distracted, but you’re not weak.”

“Honestly, without you we’d have probably stopped being a team years ago. The three of us can get too into our own heads sometimes,” Probably more than Donnie cared to admit. “But you don’t. You keep us looking forward, and that’s gotten us out of a lot of situations, both on missions and at home.”

“We need ya Mikey…” Raph breathed. “Don’t ever believe… that we don’t. Why do you think… we try so hard… to keep you safe?”

“Because you all have ridiculous hero complexes.” Mikey stated flatly, his smile faltering. Exhaustion had already made it difficult for him to get a hold of his raging emotions, but now this… it was too much. He sat with his shell to his brothers, leaning against his cell, trying desperately to keep himself together.

“Because that’s what… brothers do…” Raph glanced at Leo. “They protect… each other… Always.”

Something inside Mikey cracked. The damn he’d built to hold back his emotions trying desperately to burst open and he couldn’t help the tears that streaked down his face. Even now… at his weakest moment, his brothers had gathered behind him to scoop him up and lift him to higher ground. Stuck in this dark prison feeling helpless and unuseful… hearing he was necessary was exactly what he’d needed.

Leaning into the arm Donnie had placed on his shoulder, Mikey accepted the hug and smiled. He was sure he’d feel silly for crying like this later, but right now he didn’t care. For the first time in –how many days now?- he felt comfort. He felt safe. He felt at home.

“Thanks guys.” He said, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“Just don’t… let it go to… your head. If you bring this up… later… I’ll deny I said… anything. Got it?” Raph breathed, suddenly feeling the urge to wrap his younger brother in a comforting hug. Something was definitely wrong with him.

“Actually, I was more surprised at the apology.” Leo thought aloud. “That’s the second one he’s given without throwing a punch at anyone.”

“That’s right!” Mikey whirled around to stare at his brother, his smile finally reaching his eyes.

“Guess that’s… two IOU’s when… we get home.”

“Do apologies made under duress count?” Donnie pondered, happy to hear his younger brother energized again. Mikey was the only one who was ever any good at expressing how he felt about his family. The rest of them either forgot or didn’t know how to say it. Donnie fell into the former category. It wasn’t that he found it awkward to tell his brothers he loved them, he simply failed to remember to do so on a regular basis. Truth was, Donnie always admired his younger brother; the way he was able to be carefree and positive no matter the situation… it was something Donnie wished came easier to himself. If Mikey ever lost hope in a situation, Donnie was certain he wouldn’t be able to find it.

“That’s the only way Raph knows how to apologize—“

“Raph?” Leo’s voice sounded worried. “Raph!?”

“Leo, what is it?” Donnie grabbed his cell, staring at his brothers.

“He’s not breathing!”

“What!?”

“No…” Mikey’s voice failed him. “No, he was ok! He was just talking!!! Just two seconds ago!!”

“What do I do Don?” Leo pressed the sweater harder to Raph’s shoulder, desperate to stop the flow of blood.

“I…” Donnie fought off the fatigue that plagued his mind, trying to think clearly; it couldn’t be the blood loss, it was too early for that. Had to be exhaustion. With all the electricity that had jolted his heart in the day, maybe Raph’s body was simply too tired to keep going? The purple-clad turtle tried desperately to think of a solution, but the back of his mind kept nudging him with doubt.

He was going to die of blood loss eventually. Why not let him pass in peace?

“CPR. It’s the only chance we’ve got.” Don couldn’t believe the thought even crossed his mind. Let him die? No. Never. Not a chance.

Leo moved his hands away from the wound, tossing the sweater beside him as he lay Raph flat on the ground. Reaching his hands through the bars, he started counting as he pressed on his brother’s chest, counting the compressions.

“Come on Raph.” His mind was clouding over with fear. “Come on.” Every compression moved in slow motion as Leo tried to will his brother to breath.

Mikey and Don watched in silent horror, the calm that had blanketed them earlier ripped away by their sudden fear.

“It’s not working!” Leo shouted in frustration.

“You may need to press harder to get through his plastron! But not too hard or you could—“

“I got it Don.” He didn’t need a laundry list of ways he could do more damage right now. He was already aggravating the slashes on Raph’s chest with his compressions, but if it got him to breathe, Leo didn’t care. “Raph. Breathe.” His tone was demanding, everything in him desperate and trembling.

Keep it together. Don’t let it show.

“Come on.”

Don’t let them see.

“Breathe.”

Don’t let the fear win.

“Breathe, Raph.”

Don’t let your brother die.

“Fight.”

Please.

“Wake up!”

_You’re failing._

“RAPH!”

A sudden sputtering cough jarred Leo as his brother started choking on his own blood. The elder helped Raph lean to his side and hack the blockage from his throat.

“Raph!” Mikey felt new tears forming in his eyes that he shoved away. “Dude, don’t do that! You scared the bejesus outta us!” Seriously. Mikey had thought his heart stopped when Raph’s did.

Donnie, on the other hand, felt his heart racing a mile a minute. He couldn’t believe that thought had entered his mind, even for a second. Fear swelled in his chest as he rested his head against the bars, trying to get ahold of himself. “How’s his breathing Leo?” He’s alive. Focus on that… he’s alive.

“Shallow.” Leo replied, quickly putting the sweater back on the stab wounds. He was taking deep, quiet breathes, trying desperately to keep from panicking. To keep calm. To keep from collapsing from the stress.

“Raph? Can you hear me?” Donnie called.

No response.

“His eyes are still closed.” As he said it, Leo put a hand under Raph’s nose to make sure he was still breathing and it wasn’t just his imagination. The light brush of warm air on his knuckles told him he was right. “Did he pass out?”

“It’s possible. His body’s probably exhausted, it may be forcing him to rest so it can try to heal.” Or it could be due to internal bleeding. Or he could have a rapid acting infection. Or it could simply be his body shutting down after taking too much damage. Without being able to examine him in his lab, Donnie couldn’t help in any of those situations. The only thing he could do right now was pray for another miraculous recovery.

“Is there anything I can do?” Leo looked down at his brother. His skin was growing paler by the minute and his pulse was disappearing every time he checked. No. This couldn’t happen. He wouldn’t let it. There had to be a way to save him.

Donnie closed his eyes, allowing the cold metal of the bars to cool his aching head. “Just… Keep pressure on the wound.” He’d never felt so useless in his life.

“Guys, listen!” Mikey held his ear towards the door. There were footsteps. “Someone’s comin’!”

Leo tensed, a flash of fear crawling up his spine. Shredder must have been coming for another victim. And if Leo was taken now, there’d be no one to keep pressure on his brother’s wound. Raph would bleed to death.

No. He wouldn’t let it happen. Shredder would have to drag him away cold and dead before he left his brother’s side.

But what if he took Raph again? Or Mikey or Donnie? Could he really live with watching his brothers dragged away again?

Leo’s closed his eyes, meditative breathes drowning out the panic. Keep calm. Think straight. Make a plan. Don’t let fear win.

Donnie and Mikey both grasped the danger of the situation and turned to their older brother. “Leo, what do we do!?”

“Stay calm Mikey.” The leader’s voice was strong and unwavering. “It’ll be ok. Trust me.”

The youngest nodded, strangely calmed by Leo’s absence of fear. He must have had a plan. He always had a plan! Don was also eased by their brother’s confidence. Keep strong.

Don’t let Shredder win.

The door scraped open as Leo narrowed his eyes, his every muscle tense. No matter what happened, he was protecting his brother.

No matter what.


	9. Desperation

Dark.

Pitch black.

It surrounded him. Choked him.

Panic. Fear.

Where was he?

He felt weak. Heavy. Tired.

Why couldn’t he move?

A weight crushed his chest as he felt the air suddenly stolen from his lungs.

_“He was just talking! Just two seconds ago!”_

Mikey. He sounded scared. They must have been in trouble. He tried to get up, but the weight on his chest was too much.

_“…the only chance we’ve got.”_

Donnie. Why was his voice trembling?

Had to get up. His brothers were in trouble. Had to protect them.

_“It’s not working!”_

The weight crushed the air from him, pressing him deeper and deeper into the darkness. He couldn’t breathe. 

He couldn’t breathe!

Panic gripped his body.

_“Raph. Breathe.”_

Leo. He was close. But where?

_“Breathe."_

Calm down. Do what Leo says. Breathe.

_“Breathe Raph."_

He tried. He couldn’t! The weight was too heavy, the darkness too thick. Couldn’t escape it. Couldn’t find a way out.

_“Fight.”_

How? He couldn’t move. But his brothers needed him. They were in trouble. Had to get up. Fight. Protect them!

_“Wake up!”_

Open your eyes. Come on. Breathe! Don’t let the darkness win.

Fight it!

_“RAPH!!"_  

His eyes snapped open, the darkness finally releasing its hold. Air sucked into his lungs only to be thrown out again with a mass of blood, repeating until he could finally breathe properly.

I’m here brothers. I’ll keep you safe.

Darkness tried to surround him once more.

Had to get out. His family needed him.

“Raph!”

“Raph can you hear me?”

His brothers. He needed his brothers. Can’t let the darkness win. Just breathe. Remember to breathe.

Keep fighting. Don’t quit. Stay strong.

Say something.

His lips wouldn’t move. His body was frozen. Was he shaking? No… that was Leo. Leo’s hands were still putting pressure on his wounds.

Leo was still fighting for him. If Leo could fight, so could he.

Do something! Move!

An eternity. That’s what it felt like… he’d been here forever.

Wake up.

Say something. 

WAKE UP!

“Leo…”

 

* * *

 

His mind was going a mile a minute.

Shredder was coming for one of them and for the first time Leo knew it couldn’t be him. He couldn’t let it. If he left Raph’s side, his brother would bleed out. There had to be something—

“Leo what do we do?”

His brother’s words echoed around his head, spreading panic and fear as they pierced his calm. What _could_ they do? There was no plan. No way to escape this. The only way to make sure Raph stayed alive was to remain where he was. He couldn’t leave.

Which meant one of his brothers would have to go for him.

Just the idea was tearing him apart, but his strategic mind knew there was no other option. Donnie and Mikey had a chance of surviving if taken.

Raph didn’t.

“Stay calm Mikey.” He kept himself from revealing the torment that clawed at his every thought. “It’ll be ok. Trust me.”

Empty words. He wanted to mean them, but couldn’t find the strength to.

No, don’t let fear win.

The door scraped open and Shredder waltzed inside, his eyes narrow.

Something was off. He didn’t seem as confident as before. Clearly Raph had ruffled his feathers more than he’d realized.

Leo looked to their capture, his eyes defiant as ever, but his heart aching at what he had to do.

“You have all survived three days in my prison.” Shredder gloated. “In acknowledgement of such achievement, I give you this gift,“ He turned to Leo, the edges of a smile visible beneath his mask. “The leader may choose who goes next.”

Leonardo’s eyes wanted to close. To shut it all out, reject this reality and run to a comforting dream or a calming meditation. But he kept his gaze firmly locked on his enemy. His mind desperately fought to stay calm; finally it should have been his turn. Finally he should have been able to protect his brothers from more pain.

But he couldn’t.

Glancing to Donnie and Mikey briefly, Leo’s heart sank at the only conclusion he could come to that made any kind of strategic sense. He tried to say the words, but his entire being rejected it.

Don’t do it. Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.

His eyes glared, falling to the floor in defeat. There was no other way.

“Mikey. Take Mikey.”

Shredder wasn’t subtle in his victory; his eyes mocked him with their gleeful dance. “The young one it is.”

Mikey stared at Leo, surprise evident in his expression. But he shook it off, standing and placing his hands in the air so he might at least be allowed to walk out. No such luck. His arms and legs were magnetized together as his cell opened. Mikey narrowed his eyes, hardening his expression to be as strong as possible.

Raph had saved his life. Now it was his turn. “Don’t let him die.” He said as the Foot started dragging him away. “Leo! Don’t let him die!”

Leonardo forced himself to look Mikey in the eyes, giving him as confident a nod as possible. “I’ll keep him safe Mikey. I promise.” His voice was on the verge of breaking. So was his spirit. He glared daggers at Shredder as his baby brother was dragged off.

“Stay strong Mikey!”

“No worries Don. I got this!”

The Jonin couldn’t stop the chuckle that floated from his throat. “I had no idea you were so stone cold.” He leaned in close to Leo’s bars. “Well done.” Taking a quick glance at Raph, Shredder left, a twinkle still in his eyes.

Leo watched his brother dragged away. Watched Shredder mock his decision. Watched the door close as the reality of his predicament slammed home.

What had he just done?

His eyes were cold as he looked down to the wounds beneath his hands, not able to meet the sickened gaze he could feel from his brother across the room.

“How could you?” Donnie whispered in disbelief. “How could you do that!? Raph nearly got killed trying to protect Mikey and you just sent him off!”

“Who else could I send?”

“Me! You could have sent me!!” Don shouted, his fear getting the better of his exhausted mind. “Mikey’s still weak! If Shredder was able to hurt Raph this bad, how much worse do you think—“

“I know!!!” Leo hadn’t meant to be as loud as he was, but he needed Don to stop. Every word he spoke was stabbing daggers at his heart. He quieted his voice, steadying it so as not to betray the shame he felt as he looked to his brother. “It was our only choice. Raph’s dying Don. If he’s taken again, he’s not coming back. If I leave, he bleeds out. And I need you here in case there are any other complications.” He looked back down to his hands, unable to keep eye contact any longer. “Mikey was the only option that kept Raph alive.”

Don’s shoulders slumped, understanding pushing anger aside, but fear still gripping his body. It made sense. But that didn’t make it any easier. “…What if… What if Shredder does the same thing to him? What if he doesn’t come back?”

“You can’t think like that Don.” Even though his own mind raced with those very thoughts, he knew they would only eat away at their wits, and they needed those about them right now. They needed to focus on saving Raph. “Mikey will be alright.”

“You don’t know that Leo! We know Shredder wants us to suffer, and what better way to do that than taking our little brother!?”

“Mikey can—“

“He can’t handle it!” Logic screamed for him to take a breath and calm down, but his emotions has been cast aside too long. “He can’t handle being stabbed! He can’t handle the type of torture Raph went through! His body is weak, probably ill from an infection, and in no shape to endure that kind of distress!”

“I know Don. But there was no other choi—“

“You didn’t even try! You just assumed this was the only course of action and gave up our baby brother! He trusted you! We both did! And now he’s probably not coming back!”

Leo tried not to let the guilt show in his voice. “Raph needed—“

“Raph’s dead!” No. Don’t say it out loud. Don’t make it real. “On top of all his other injuries, he’s been stabbed. Twice! And with no way to stop the bleeding, he’s not gonna make it. If we had something to cauterize the wound or sew it shut, he might have a chance, but…” He closed his eyes to the world. “Right now there’s nothing I can do.”

“We’ll find a way.”

Don tried to stop himself, but it all came rushing out of him so fast, he barely had time to recognize he was talking. “Don’t you get it!? There is no way! I can’t do anything! I can’t fix Raph, I can’t protect Mikey, and I can’t get us out of here! All I can do is sit here and watch as Shredder destroys our family!”

Don’t do it.

“Raph’s as good as gone!”

Don’t admit it.

“We can’t save him! _”_

Stop!

_“I_ can’t save him!!!” Don’s shout echoed through the room like a ricocheted bullet, piercing Leo right in his chest.

Silence followed as Donnie turned away, leaning his shell against the bars and sliding to the ground. “I-…” He had no more words. Fear had won the battle. Fear that Mikey was going to die. Fear that Raph was already dead. Fear that he was helpless to save either of them.

His mind had been desperate to blame someone, as if it would make it all better somehow if it was someone’s fault this was happening. And it had chosen Leo. Trying to fight off the hopelessness that had blanketed his every thought, Don put a hand to his head, feeling the room spinning. “I’m sorry Leo…”

“You’re right Don.”

The purple-clad ninja felt guilt well up in his stomach. He hadn’t meant to blame his brother for this; he knew it wasn’t his fault. Nor had he meant to dump his burdens on his already fatigued leader. He was just… so tired.

Leo didn’t sound hurt by it. His voice was as strong and unwavering as ever. “You’re right. Maybe there was more I could have done.”

“No… no, it’s not your fault—“

“It is. I’m the leader. I got us into this mess, and I take responsibility for what happens here. That’s my burden to bear.”

“Leo…”

“But looking back and feeling guilty isn’t going to get us out of here. I know it looks hopeless, but you can’t let it get to you. You can’t give up.” Leonardo looked to his younger brother, a gentle resolve in his eyes. “We need you Donnie. You’re not useless. You’re keeping us strong. You’re giving us hope.”

“Hope?” A bitter snort escaped him. “How?” He felt like he was only adding to their misery.

“You figured out the base was underwater, you gathered information on the layout, and you were smart enough to notice the limited Foot soldiers.”

Don turned slightly to look at his brother. “That doesn’t—“

“You helped me save Raph. You kept Mikey together. You’re doing everything you can to get us out of here in one piece. That’s not nothing. That’s _not_ being useless.”

Donnie’s eyes lowered; he wanted to believe Leo… to feel like he’d done some good.

“Don’t give up.” Leo held steady, waiting for his brother to look at him. “Don’t give up on Mikey, don’t give up on getting out of here,” He looked down to his red-banded sibling. “And don’t give up on Raph.”

Lifting his gaze to meet Leo’s, Donatello eyes saddened.

“We need you Don. I need you.”

How? How did he do it? How did Leo stay so strong at a time like this? How did he fend off the hopelessness so easily? And how did he know exactly what to say to keep Donnie from falling to pieces, every time?

“You with me bro?”

“I’m with ya Leo.” He took a deep breath. “I’m… sorry.”

Leo could hear the guilt in his voice. “Don’t be.”

“I didn’t mean—“

“I know Don.” He understood his brother’s fears. He felt them too. “It’s ok.”

The two sat in a comforting stillness as Donnie tried to draw strength from his brother; if Leo could stay strong, so could he.

“Is it true?”

Jarred by the sudden question, turned slightly. “What?”

“Raph’s injuries… are they that fatal?” Leo couldn’t look his brother in the eyes as he spoke. His voice may be steady, but his body was shaking, unease gripping his mind.

Don leaned back on his shell, eyes cast to the ceiling. “Yeah…”

“Is there nothing we can do?”

“You’re already doing it.” Don shook his head, willing some grand plan to materialize in his brain that would save Raph’s life, but there was nothing. Logic dictated that he accept that fact and move on, trying to find a way out. But everything else in him screamed for another option. A way to save him. A miracle. Don sighed. “How’s the bleeding? Has it let up at all?”

“Some.” A quick peek under the sweater confirmed Leo’s guess. “It’s getting better than it was.” That was his attempt at being positive. “But he’s pale. And his breathing is worse.”

“At least he _is_ breathing.” Don was going to force himself to look on the bright side from now on. He couldn’t afford any more panicked freak-out moments. He had to keep his head clear. For Raph. For Mikey. For all of them.

Taking a deep breath, Donnie forced his eyes to keep from closing. So tired. If they got home, he was sure he’d sleep for a week. Shredder said they’d been in here three days already; that certainly matched how overtaxed he felt. Maybe if he closed his eyes just for a moment…

Silence filled the room as Leo listened for any distant screams: nothing. Hopefully that was good.

A few more minutes of quiet passed. Leo wasn’t sure he liked the silence. It gave him time to think, but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing at the moment. His mind wasn’t staying focused, it kept wondering to his brothers, imagining the torture they’d been going through. Torture he should have been able to save them from.

He stopped that train before it got going. If he wanted to help his brothers, he could come up with a plan to get out. Guilt later.

Leo had been going over escape tactics in his head for –apparently- days now, and still nothing. The base was underwater, and Don had said they weren’t deep enough to warrant decompression, so it was possible they could simply find a way to flood the place and swim away. But how would they flood it? From what Leo could tell it looked as though everything was reinforced concrete or steel. Even if he had his swords he wouldn’t be able to just hack his way out.

Then there was the problem of getting everyone to the surface safely. Didn’t matter how deep they were, Leo highly doubted Raph was in any condition to hold his breath for an extended period of time. Don and Mikey were still injured, worse than he knew they let on, so making such a long swim was likely out of the question. And Leo couldn’t carry them all. Certainly not with enough breath to make it to the surface.

He knew Shredder either had a ship to take him home, or a direct connection to the surface via some sort of shaft or elevator. The ship seemed most likely, but with how much effort had been put into every other aspect of this place, Leo didn’t put it past their capture to go so far as to build a connection to his New York hideout.

That is, if they were even still in New York.

For all he knew, Shredder could have shipped them out to sea near Antarctica, just to make sure they never made it home. He shook the thought from his mind; they could burn that bridge when they had to. Focus on finding a way out, for now.

“Leo...”

The rasped sound brought Leonardo from his thoughts, eyes darting down to his brother. “Raph!?” A slight groan and twitch of his eyelids told Leo he hadn’t imagined it. “You’re awake.” He breathed in relief.

“Still here… Fearless…” Raph’s voice was groggy and thin.

“How you feelin’?”

Raph’s lips turned up in a grin. “Dumb question.” That earned a smile from Leo. Closing his eyes to try and clear the haze fogging his mind, Raph blinked up at his brother. “What happened? I pass out?”

“A little south of passing out. Your heart stopped.”

That would explain the darkness. “How’d you…?” He couldn’t finish the sentence, finding it very difficult to gather enough breath to speak.

“CPR.” Leo said, knowing what his brother was asking.

“Gross…”

The leader rolled his eyes. “Chest compressions Raph. No one kissed you.”

“Good.”

“Do you remember what happened?” Keep him talking. Keep him awake.

“Maybe.” Raph took a moment to search his memory, not sure he wanted to remember the darkness. “Black. Couldn’t breathe…” He stopped to gather himself again. “Heard Mikey…” That got him to look around. Wait. “Where—“ The sudden movement as he tried to sit up shot pain all through his chest.

“Easy Raph.” Leo took one hand off the sweater and held his brother’s shoulder, keeping him still. “Don’t move.” He was finally getting the bleeding under control, but if Raph moved around and pulled the wound open, that could be trouble.

“Where’s… Mikey?”

Taking a deep breath, Leo silently debated whether to tell or not. Again, the less movement the better, and Raph was sure to throw a tantrum if he heard what Leo did. But then in their current predicament, it’s not as though it would be a difficult conclusion to come to. “Promise you’ll stay still?”

Raph tensed, already figuring the answer. “Shredder…”

“…Yes.”

A yelp of pain escaped from Raph as he tried to sit up, fear filling his eyes.

“Hey! Still, remember!” Leo gently forced his brother back to the ground.

“What happened?” He asked through ragged breath.

The question gave Leo pause as he repositioned his hands over the sweater, checking to make sure it hadn’t been pulled open by the movement. “I made him take my place.” The words came out as casually as if he were reciting the weather report, but his gaze fell to his hands, unable to meet Raph’s.

Wide eyes stared at Leo as rage built up behind his red mask. Raph reached over, grabbing his brother’s wrist with surprising strength, given his condition. He glared, understanding trying desperately to block out the anger. “Why!?”

“… It was necessary.” He met Raph’s glance only briefly before looking back to his hands. “I’m the only one Shredder hasn’t taken, which means I’m the only one still functioning at full capacity. If I’m going to figure out an escape, I need to stay that way.” It was a weak excuse, but he said it with enough conviction that –hopefully- Raph bought it. He hadn’t wanted to lie to his brother, but Raph was sure to take it hard if he knew he was the reason Mikey was volunteered.

Raph stared a moment, the anger in his features melting into concern. “Mikey…” He wasn’t sure he bought the excuse, but anger took too much energy.

“He’ll be ok Raph. Just focus on you for now. We can’t have you passing out on us again.”

“Donnie—?” Raph began the question but erupted in a coughing fit. Leo held his shoulder again to steady him.

“Still here.” He nodded to Don’s cell. “Asleep, I think. Otherwise I’m sure he’d be asking for a health update on you by now.”

Raph smirked. “Doctor Don… always vigilant…”

“He’s worried about you.”

Looking to the ceiling, Raph nodded. He was worried about himself. He couldn’t remember a time when he’d felt this weak. There’d been battles fought where he came home with more than a few bumps and bruises, and he’d certainly had his fair share of close calls. Probably more than he cared to admit. But this felt different… this felt like a losing battle. Like an impossibly uphill climb.

This felt like dying. Really dying.

“I’ll be fine, Fearless…” Blinking away the flash of darkness that poked at his consciousness, Raph felt a slight tremble on his shoulder. He remembered feeling it before, when he was fighting to come back. “You OK?” He wheezed, still annoyed at how weak he sounded.

“Fine.” Leo silently panicked a moment, thinking Raph had seen the fear that was chipping away at his calm demeanor. “Why?”

“Hands…” He nodded down at the sweater. “Shaking.”

The blue-masked turtle hadn’t even noticed his hands were trembling. Too lost in his own thoughts. Or maybe they were going numb… either way. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Leo…” The sigh of exasperation was both at his brother’s refusal to tell him the truth, and that he couldn’t shout at him for it.

“It’s noth—“

The door suddenly scraped open as Mikey was dragged into the room. Shredder was nowhere to be seen.

Don’s eyes snapped open to see his baby brother tossed on the floor near him. He hadn’t even noticed he’d fallen asleep! “Mikey!” What did he miss?

Leo looked to the door, still waiting for their capture to make his presence known, but he never showed. The Foot closed Mikey’s cell and left without a word.

Where was Shredder? “Mikey, you alright?” Leo looked to the youngest, now crumpled in a sad heap in the middle of his cell. He could see some fresh burns on his legs, likely from electrocution. But no pools of blood from his vantage.

A cough came from Raph as he tried desperately to sit up, but Leo was quick to hold him down.

“Mikey?” Don strained to see his brother’s condition. Was he even breathing? “Mikey, say something!”

“S’Ok dudes… Mikey’s still in the house.” The orange-masked turtle gasped between words, trying to catch his breath.

A sigh of relief draped across all three brothers. “Can you move at all?”

In answer to Donnie’s question, Mikey dragged himself to the wall, leaning against the bars to his brother’s cell. “I’m ok… I think.”

“Let me look.” The gash on his chest was burnt shut and Donnie wasn’t sure he wanted to know what happened. Other than several cuts and burns that hadn’t been there before, Mikey looked to be ok. Though pale. And beyond tired.

“Donnie?” Leo was waiting for an update.

“Doesn’t look too bad, actually. Maybe Shredder’s getting bored?” They could only be so lucky.

“Raph—“ Leo was struggling to keep his brother from moving. “—Will you relax! You heard Don, Mikey’s fine.”

“Raph!!”

“He’s awake?” Donnie turned his attention to their brothers across the room. “How is he? How’s his pulse?”

Leonardo sighed, finally caving and helping his brother to a slight sitting position against the wall. “He’s alright Don. Stubborn as ever.”

“Raph! You’re alive!” Mikey smiled, too tired to move from his spot.

“Course I am…” He held back a wince as Leo repositioned his hands on his wounds. “You alright?"

“Psh, you know it.” Mikey tried to sound as cavalier as possible, but it came out tired and weak. “Can’t keep a good turtle down, am I right?”

“What happened Mikey? You weren’t gone long.” Not that Leo wasn’t grateful, but it was unlike Shredder to be so quick with his torture.

“I dunno…” He hesitated as if unsure he wanted to tell the story. “He got real angry. For a moment, I thought he was gonna kill me… and then he let me go.”

Raph tensed at the idea that Shredder nearly killed his baby brother. And what was he doing? Lying on the floor fighting to keep his eyes open. Some brother…

“Angry at what Mikey?”

“What I said.”

Why was he being so vague? Donnie pressed the issue. “What did you say?”

Mikey stared at the ceiling as he spoke. “I apologized… for Karai. For what we did.”

That brought a guilty silence over the prison.

“That wasn’t our fault.” Even as he said it, Leo wasn’t entirely sold on it. They were partially to blame, yes. But it was Karai’s own stubbornness that led to her downfall. He’d tried to save her…

“But he blames us for it. So I just thought, maybe if I apologized… he’d let us go.” It sounded stupid when you said it out loud, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. And it’s not like he had many other options.

Raph shook his head; Mikey was far too nice for his own good. “Nice try… Little bro…” But it’s never that easy.

Donnie was too focused on Mikey’s fever to be paying attention to the conversation. A hand to his brother’s forehead told him it had gotten worse. Far worse. He could only assume his guess of infection had been correct, which meant Mikey needed antibiotics. And soon. If his fever got much higher, they’d be in serious trouble.

Two brothers down. And Donnie could feel himself fading. His injuries were flaring with pain and his body was still trying to recover from the attacks Shredder had unleashed. And on top of it all, he’s barely slept in three days. He was desperate for rest. At this rate, the only way they’d get out of here was if Leo found a way to drag three giant mutant turtles to the surface of whatever body of water Shredder had stuck them in.

Things were not looking good.

 

* * *

 

Shredder stormed through his lair, throwing any object in arms reach against a wall. Anger seethed from every muscle as he shouted to the sky. That turtle… that damn turtle! How dare he! 

After seeing how poorly the red turtle was fairing, Shredder had decided he had his anger under control enough to go back in and take another. He knew Leonardo’s predicament, knew that he couldn’t leave even if he wanted to. And he knew forcing the turtle to send one of his brothers instead would be a hard blow.

It had all worked so perfectly. The three turtles he’d tormented wouldn’t last much longer; a few more sessions would certainly do them in. After that, the remaining brother would be easy enough to handle.

But that damned orange turtle had to bring up his daughter! They’d barely started their session when he suddenly started blathering on about how sorry he was for what happened and how they didn’t mean for her to be lost—How stupid did they think he was!? Karai was gone and it was there fault!

It was their fault!!!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” A table was slammed into the wall, splintering in all different directions. They knew his weakness and they were pandering to it. It had taken all his energy not to kill the orange one the way he had the red one. He’d started to. The shocks were only just beginning when he managed to find his control again.

The little one got off lucky. Shredder had thrown him back in his cell before he changed his mind and did away with him. He needed air.

Now he was topside, pacing his lair, trying to decide whether to continue his plans or simply flood the whole prison and be done with those wretches.

No. Not yet. He still hadn’t broken the leader.

One more turtle left to break, then he could end it.

Taking the object from his armor once more, Shredder stared at it, a twinge of sadness grasping at his heart. “Karai…”

His daughter stared up at him from the picture, pride in her eyes as she stood next to her father, ready to conquer the world.

“My daughter…”

Tonight. It would all end tonight.


	10. Sins of the Father

It had been three days… three days since he last saw his sons. Three days of worry. Three days of searching blindly.

Three days of pure torment.

Several hours after the turtles had left the lair, Splinter was in the midst of meditation when a sudden terrified tremor overtook his body. His eyes had shot open as he clenched his chest, his heart pumping a mile a minute. He knew the feeling well. Too well for his liking.

His sons were in trouble.

He knew they faced danger every time they left, but he also trusted their skills as individuals –and as a team- to get them through. It was only in times when their lives were truly threatened that Splinter felt like this. Felt fear tearing at his very soul.

Moving from the dojo to the main room, Splinter had paced the lair, trying to calm his nerves. His sons were known to be out till sunrise most nights, so it wasn’t unusual that they hadn’t returned. But that didn’t stop the nagging feeling that something was off. They were in trouble. He could feel it. Donatello had said the break-in was somewhere in lower Manhattan, and for a brief moment Splinter considered going to find them there. But running blindly into a situation may only put them further in harms way. He’d tried Leonardo’s phone once, but no answer came of it.

Something was wrong.

He’d tried to convince himself they were simply enjoying the night after a successful mission, but his instincts told him otherwise. Stroking his furry beard, Splinter had again debated whether or not to go look for them. And again, he’d talked himself out of it. There was a nagging at the back of his mind that wouldn’t let him leave. That told him he should wait. But it was that same nagging that had warned him of the danger in the first place.

After several more hours of pacing and debating, Splinter had decided enough time had passed. It was nearly sunrise, no one was answering their phones, and the police scanners had already reported the break in.

He would go find his children.

As he was about to leave, he’d heard April come into the lair, screaming his name. She was frightened.

“Master Splinter!!”

“I am here.” He rounded a corner to see April nearly run into him, eyes wide, panting for air. “What is wrong?” He placed a hand on her shoulder to try and calm her.

“Turtles—!” She huffed, trying to catch her breath. “I was coming home from work and I saw this weird guy by my apartment building and when I tried to follow him he disappeared down an alley so I went back to my apartment and I think the turtles must be in trouble because of what I found in my mailbox!”

The words had all come spouting out so fast Splinter barely had time to register what she’d said. “Calm down April. Breathe.” He took a deep breath as she mimicked him, the fear never leaving her eyes. “What did you find?”

April didn’t answer, but put the duffle bag she’d been carrying on the floor, opening the zipper. Splinter knelt down and pulled out a weapon, caressing it in his hands.

Leonardo’s katanas.

Terror swallowed his heart as he looked through the duffle to see Raphael’s sai, Donatello’s boe, and Michelangelo’s nun chucks. No…

“My sons…” Splinter held the katana to his heart, closing his eyes as he tried to block the horror from his mind. His children were trained ninja, they could take care of themselves. Whatever had befallen them, they would hold out till he found them.

They had to.

“The man, did you get a good look at him?” He finally asked, forcing reason to prevail over fear.

“No. It was raining, and the alley was dark. But he wore a trench coat and hat, like something from an old detective movie, which is why I thought it looked strange. At first I didn’t think anything of it –I mean, it is New York- but I know what you always say about instinct and mine was telling me to follow him, so I did, but I couldn’t catch him in time.” April barely realized she was still talking; her mind was trying so desperately to make the situation better that it was hoping to talk out the problem, with no success. “I’m… I’m sorry Master Splinter. I should have—“

“The fault is not yours April. Do not blame yourself.”

His voice was as comforting as it always was, but April could see the worry in his eyes. Only for a moment. Then it was hidden behind his mask of calm. “What do we do?”

Splinter didn’t hear her question as he’d found a note hidden just inside the sheath of Leonardo’s katana. His eyes widened as his body froze with dread. He folded the note and placed it in his robe, zipping the duffle back up. “We will find them.”

“But how!? We don’t even know who took them, or that they’re still…” She didn’t finish the sentence, both because of Splinter’s gaze and her refusal to admit to such a reality. No… they were definitely still alive.

“I know who took them.” Splinter said, not giving any credence to the last bit of her sentence.

“Who?”

“Saki.”

April froze. Shredder?! If he had them, there was no telling what he might do with them. But how did Splinter know—never mind. Not important. “Where do we start?”

“With the last place they were headed.” It was taking everything in him to keep as placid as he was. Focus. Fear is the enemy. Breathe. Stay calm. Standing as he walked to the exit, he heard April follow behind.

“And where was that?”

“Bank of America. Lower Manhattan.”

April nodded, hearing the seriousness of his voice. They would find them. They’d bring them home. Alive.

They had to.

But that had been nearly 3 days ago. April had called Casey to help them look and he’d scoured all the local pubs, back alleys, and gang hang-outs he knew of for information on the Shredder. He came up empty. April had used every contact and favor she could collect, trying to find any leads on the Foot and their latest activity, but again, nothing came of it. Either the Foot were being quieter than they ever had since coming to New York, or nobody was willing to give them up.

Splinter had the good fortune of running into Leatherhead as he’d searched the sewers and apprised him of the situation. Of course their friend was more than willing to help, taking to the outer edges of the city with the promise of reporting back if he found anything. That had been two days ago, and still no word.

Every hour that passed without finding his sons was agony for Splinter. He knew they were alive, he could feel it. But that connection also told him they were in pain, and he could feel that too. April and Casey had managed to convince him to rest for a few hours after two days of constant searching, but not much came of that other than several hours of restless sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw his boys, crying for help, knowing he couldn’t save them.

It was tearing him apart.

They had searched the area near the bank and found traces of a fight in a construction area nearby, but that had led to a dead end. Donatello’s computer indicated there were several other break-ins that same evening, so they searched those areas as well, but again nothing. Subtle signs of a scuffle, but no indication of what could have happened in the end.

Splinter wasn’t one to give in to hopelessness. Or fear. But both were burning a hole in his heart every minute his sons remained missing. He needed to find them. To hold them. To hug them close and keep them safe and never let them go.

He’d already lost his family once. He knew –he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt- he couldn’t survive it again.

By the end of the third day, Splinter tried to send April and Casey home to get some rest, but they insisted on staying at the lair in case anything came up. He didn’t argue, as long as they slept. They of course urged him to do the same, but he opted for tea and meditation. To his relief, when he’d stepped out of the kitchen with his tea, the two had fallen asleep on the couch. He covered them with blankets, not even aware of his habitual action, before heading for the dojo.

There hadn’t been much time for meditation the past few days due to their continued search, but Splinter felt it would be the only way he’d achieve any kind of peace. And he needed peace of mind if he was to continue with this search. His heart was so heavy with worry that he’d almost been caught out in the daylight by some homeless men in an alley. He wasn’t focused, and he needed to be.

He needed his family back. Desperately.

Taking a meditative position in the middle of the dojo, Splinter closed his eyes and attempted to clear his mind. Normally mediation came easy to him; after so many years of practice, it had become second nature. But with all the fear and despair clouding his thoughts, it was more difficult than ever to focus.

After several minutes of nothing but deep breathing, he finally managed to quiet his mind enough to concentrate. Entering a deep meditation, he tried to reach out to his sons. Any of them. All of them. Tried to make a connection so he could find them and bring them home.

Nothing. He thought, for the briefest of moments that he’d found Leonardo, but his presence was gone as soon as it came. If only he focused harder, perhaps—

Light engulfed him. Heat scorched his fur as pain erupted throughout his entire body. He heard screams, smelt blood, and felt desperation drowning him. Flashes of Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael consumed by agony flit across his eyes. He felt their pain. Something stabbed his shoulder. Raphael screamed. He couldn’t breath.

Splinter’s eyes shot open, the vision fading, but the feeling remained. He gasped for breath, trying to comprehend what he’d just seen. His sons were in greater pain than he could imagine. Torture. True Torture. He felt it. And Raphael… he was fading.

He reached a hand out to stop his sudden fall to the ground as the world spun around him.

“Oh my sons…” He clenched his eyes shut, trying to fight the grief that held his heart captive. They needed him! He had to find them soon! He could feel their spirits weakening. It was only a matter of time before he would be too late.

And Raphael. His spirited son. He could hardly feel a connection anymore. It couldn’t be… his son couldn’t be gone. “Please… let it not be so.” His voice begged as his heart broke.

No! Do not give in to fear! His boys were alive. In pain, but alive. He’d seen it! Felt it! He had to find them. Before he lost them forever, he had to find them!

For the millionth time in the last three days, Splinter looked at the note pulled from the duffle:

_What is a Father without his children?_

_Nothing._

 

* * *

 

“I think it’s a new record…” Mikey mumbled as he stared at the ceiling.

Leo glanced at his baby brother. “What is Mikey?”

“3 days... I think that’s the longest I’ve ever gone… without food.”

All three turtles couldn’t help a smile. Raph chuckled weakly. “Somebody call Guinness.”

“The real record will be how much he eats when he gets home.” Donnie added, not bothering to mention the loaf of bread they were so generously tossed the day before.

“We’ll get pizza!” Mikey’s head was spinning. “So much… pizza…”

Donatello reached through the bars to feel his brother’s forehead. “He’s burning up.”

“It’s the room.” Leo noted. “It’s gotten colder.” He looked down to his hands a moment. “I’d offer you the sweater, but I doubt it’d be much help.”

“Dude… gross!” Mikey stuck his tongue out at the idea of wearing a blood soaked sweater. “Don’t worry about me bros… I’m cold blooded. Means the cold… doesn’t affect me…”

“That’s literally the opposite of what it means.” Donnie couldn’t help but correct.

“Oh…” That made no sense. Another chill ran up Mikey’s spine, causing an involuntary shudder.

“Here.” Getting as close to his brother as he could, Don wrapped his arms around him and tried to share his body heat. “Stay as close to me as you can.”

“Can do bro…”

The two on the other side of the room watched as their younger brothers tried to keep warm. “Ain’t that sweet…” Raph mocked.

“You could do with some warming up yourself.”

“Try it… and I’ll clock ya…”

Leo grinned, but had meant what he said; Raph’s body was getting colder. He only prayed it was due to the room temperature and not the blood loss.

“Hey Leo…” Raph’s voice was soft as he looked across the room, as though checking to make sure they couldn’t hear.

“I won’t hug you, Raph. Relax.”

The red-banded ninja managed a slight chuckle. “Not my question…” He closed his eyes, forcing in some deep breaths so he could talk. “I was gonna ask… a favor…”

He had Leo’s full attention. Raph rarely asked for favors outright. “Alright.”

“Will you… tell Sensei… I’m sorry for being such… a screw up.”

Leo stared at Raph, caught off guard by the sudden confession.

“I don’t mean to always… make a mess of things.” He paused to catch his breath again. “I just… want him to know that…”

“Uh-uh.” Leo shook his head, his eyes still fixed on his brother. “No Raph. We’re not doin’ this. We’re not saying goodbyes. Not here. Not like this.”

“It’s not a goodbye…” Raph turned his head away, slightly embarrassed that he was asking this at all. “It’s a… just in case.”

“Well ‘just in case’ you forgot, we’re all getting out of here. All four of us.”

“Heh.” He couldn’t help a small smirk. “Look at me Leo… I ain’t hardly able… to get through a sentence… without grasping for air. I got more blood on the floor… than in my body…”

“Raph,”

“I ain’t givin’ up.” He wanted to make that clear. “ But Donnie and Mikey are both hurt… they won’t be able to… get out on their own. They’re gonna need... your help.”

“What’s your point?” Leo didn’t like where this conversation was going. Or where it started, for that matter.

Raph caught his brother’s gaze, trying to look as strong as he could. “If it comes to it… you help them first.” Leo’s eyes widened and Raph could have sworn he saw fear behind those baby blues. “We both know… I ain’t got much time… so if it comes to it… you get them out.”

Leonardo was frozen. How could Raph ask him such a thing? The leader’s mind rejected the idea outright. “I’m not leaving you behind.”

“Not if you can help it. But if you can’t…” He nodded to their younger brothers. “They come first.”

Looking across the room to Don and Mikey –who seemed too lost in their own conversation to hear Raph’s- Leo took a deep breath. Objectively, the strategy was sound; if it wasn’t possible to save all three, pick the two who had the best chance of surviving. But Leo’s heart pounded faster at just the idea of having to leave Raph behind. He knew he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t.

And yet, as the leader, if it came down to it… he might have to make a choice.

Staring back down at his brother, Leo gave a slight nod. He hated agreeing to this… hated it with every fiber of his being. It wasn’t right. He shouldn’t even be giving credit to this train of thought. But as leader he had to consider all possibilities. Even this one.

Raph rested his head against the wall, content that his brother meant it when he agreed. It wasn’t a scenario he hoped for, but he’d never forgive himself if his younger brothers were left behind because of him, particularly knowing he probably wasn’t going to make it anyways. “Thanks Fearless…” He meant it.

“That doesn’t mean you get to quit.” Leo said, more adamantly than he’d meant to. Fear was making his hands shake again.

“I know… I won’t.”

“Leo?” Donnie’s voice caused the older two to focus across the room. “Have you tried?”

“Tried what Don?”

The two younger brothers hadn’t noticed their siblings were lost in a separate conversation. “Meditation. Mikey made a good point; he suggested trying to reach Splinter through meditation. You’ve done it before, haven’t you?”

“Wait…” Raph shook his head. “Mikey had a good idea? Now… I’ve seen it all…”

“Dude… secret genius… remember?”

“I’ve tried Don.” Leo interjected between the banter. “No luck. I sensed him only once, but I couldn’t get through.” It had only been a brief moment, but the distractions of their situation had pulled him from his focus and he lost touch. “He knows we’re missing though. He’s looking for us.” Leo had seen that much.

“Splinter…” Mikey’s eyes fell to the floor. He missed his Father. “He’s probably going crazy… with worry.”

No doubt. They all knew their Father to be calm and collected, even in the worst of situations. But Leo had seen the emotions that sat right behind the calm exterior.

“Do you think… he’ll find us?”

In a underwater lair? Highly doubtful. “It’s a possibility Mikey.” Don tried to ease his brother’s worry. “He is a brilliant ninja master. It’s possible he’s already on his way here to find us.” Not likely. But technically possible.

“Case and April are… probably with him.” And knowing Casey, he was probably turning over every table in every low-life pub trying to find them. Raph chuckled at the image.

“Possibly even the mutanimals.” Leo added.

“See Mikey,” Don pat his brother’s shoulder. “We’ll be out of here before you know it.”

“And eatin’ pizza…”

Don chuckled. “And eating pizza.”

That put Mikey’s mind at ease slightly. He missed home. Missed Splinter. Missed not being terrified every second that his brothers were going to be taken from him. “Too bad we couldn’t use that… black hole thingy… to get us home.”

Leo cocked an eye. “The one Karai made?”

“Yeah… that thing teleported her… all over the city. It was awesome!”

“Until it failed.” Donnie’s eyes closed at the memory. He’d tried to help… but he’d been too late. If only he’d been able to warn her earlier about the instability, she might not have— Well… it was too late now. “From the readings I was able to gather before the explosion, it seems possible to recreate one.” Not that it would help them while here in this prison.

Leo stared at his brother. “Wait… are you saying you could make one? I thought you said there were too many variables?”

“There are. Making one is difficult, but still feasible. It’s keeping it stable enough to use safely that’s near impossible. Black holes are uncharted territory in the science world; we don’t know enough about them to understand what makes them tick. And as you saw, man-made miniature ones can be just as unpredictable.”

“But if you could make one, it’s possible you might be able to bring Karai back? Isn’t it?”

“No.” Don could feel Leo’s disappointment across the room. “Like I said, too many variables. We don’t actually know how matter, time, or space relate to each other inside a black hole. Karai could have aged 50 years by now, or passed to another dimension, or changed to another form— there are dozens of possibilities.” He realized he was getting too technical for at least one brother, so he stopped himself from continuing. “Point is, I may be able to make one, but I doubt I could control it to teleport her back. Or us out of here.”

“That’s Donnie talk for… dumb idea Mikey…”

Raph’s comment made the youngest turtle smile slightly. “Easy come… easy go.”

Leonardo shook the thoughts from his mind; he had enough guilt to deal with as it was, he didn’t need to add Karai’s disappearance to the list. Had to stay in the here and now, and that meant focusing on his brothers. Focusing on escape.

“So how are we… gonna get outta here, Leo?” Mikey’s strength was fading. His eyes kept closing in a desperate attempt to sleep, but he was too afraid to rest; what if his brothers were taken while he was out? What if he didn’t wake up? “Now would be a great time… for one of your famous plans.”

“More like infamous.” Raph wheezed. His eyes were also desperate to close, but Raph forced them open. Darkness tapped at his consciousness every second, but he refused to give in. Until his brothers were safe, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Looking around the room at his brothers, Leonardo inhaled deeply. Mikey was sick with a fever that refused to let up, Raph was clinging to life by a thread, and whatever was left of Donnie’s strength was fading fast. Mikey was right, they needed an escape and they needed one now. But Leo still had no way out. Not one in which everyone made it out alive. He closed his eyes a minute, trying to think of at least something to say that would put their minds at ease. “I think—“

He stopped when the door suddenly screeched open and Shredder stormed in the room, rage apparent in his every movement. “You knew!” He grabbed Donnie’s cell, glaring daggers at the purple-masked turtle. “You knew it would happen!”

“Dude, what’s he—“

“You knew that fowl contraption would fail and you let it happen!” Shredder paid no mind to the other turtles in the room as he threw Donnie’s cell open. Mikey clung to his brother protectively, but Don pushed him away, standing to face his enemy.

“I didn’t. Not at first. But when I found out I tried to warn— Ack!” He was cut off by Shredder’s hand around his throat.

“How dare you.”

“I tried…” Donnie struggled to breathe as he was lifted from the floor, his hands around Shredders wrists, desperately trying to free himself.

“You let her fall.”

“I didn’t…”

“You let her fall!!”

Donnie’s vision blurred as tried to kick himself free, but Shredder only threw him against the wall head first. Don fell to the floor hard, reaching a hand up to hold his aching head, and felt a trickle of blood on his fingertips.

“Leave him alone… you over-sized… garbage bin!” Raph mentally cursed how weak he sounded. And felt. There was literally nothing he could do to help his brother, and Shredder looked ready to kill.

“You can bring her back.” Shredder ignored the protests and pleas of the others, his eyes locked on Donnie with fire and rage. “You will bring her back!”

“I can’t…” Don’s head was swimming, but he tried to stay focused. “I don’t know how—“

“Liar!” Shredder again grabbed him by the throat, throwing him against the wall and holding a blade to his neck. “You will tell me how to bring her back or I’ll end your life here.”

Donnie closed his eyes, trying to focus. His head throbbed, clouding every thought with dizziness. “I don’t…” Keep it together. “I can’t bring her back.”

Shredder pierced Don’s neck ever so slightly, drawing a dribble of blood.

Mikey grabbed the bars to his cell, weakly pulling at them as he tried to reason with Shredder. “He can’t do it… he said it wasn’t possible!”

“Too many variables.” Don added. Again.

“Then you die. Now.” He pulled his blade back and thrust it towards the turtle.

“ENOUGH!”

Shredder paused, keeping his eyes on his captive.

“It was me. Karai’s gone because of me.” Leo said calmly, eyes fixed firmly on Shredder. “Everything was being pulled down to the void. Karai tried to stabalize it, but it was too late. Building pieces were flying everywhere, and one knocked her towards the hole. I grabbed her hand, but the pull was too strong… I couldn’t hold it.” He looked up to see Shredder still with his blade to Donnie’s throat. “If we stayed any longer, we’d have been sucked in too. So… I let her go.” He didn’t bother trying to explain that it wasn’t on purpose, that he’d simply lost his grip, because he knew the explanation would fall on deaf ears.

“It was my fault Shredder. If you want to punish someone for the loss of your daughter, take me.”

There was a tense pause as Shredder held his ground, glaring daggers at his prey. Finally, he released Don, letting him slide to the floor, coughing for air.

The Jonin turned, stalking towards Leo’s cell, his eyes ablaze with hate. For what felt like forever, he stood there, seething with anger, glaring at the leader. Leo only glared back in defiance.

“Take him.”

Leo stood as two Foot soldiers entered the room. Raph grabbed his arm, eyes wide and dancing with angry worry, but Leo nodded a silent reassurance. He held out his hands as his cuffs magnetized together, his gaze never leaving his enemy’s.

Shredder stared angrily at the turtle’s smug defiance. His temper got the better of him and he punched Leo hard in the stomach as he exited his cell, dropping the turtle to a knee.

“Leo!”

“It’s ok Mikey.” The leader held his contempt as Shredder sent a fist across his cheek.

Raph tried to sit up, blood dripping from his wound as he moved, but far too livid to care. “Leo…!”

The blue-banded turtle shook his head at his brother, spitting at Shredder’s feet as he stood once more.

The Jonin grit his teeth, tempted more than ever to stab this turtle through the heart and be done with it. But that wouldn’t be enough.

He had to suffer.

Leo’s ankle cuffs were magnetized as well and Shredder slammed him hard to the ground, a hand pressing his head into the floor as he leaned close. “Take a good look at your brothers.” He pressed closer, taking pleasure in the wince of pain he saw cross Leo’s face. “You won’t see them again.”

“Leo!” Donnie held his head, the world still spinning as he tried to get up and help his brother.

Shredder nodded to his soldiers who dragged Leo away, his brothers calling after him, but all too weak to do anything to help. Flinging the door to Donnie’s cell shut, he turned to look at his captives one last time, enjoying the site of his normally larger-than-life nemeses broken, battered, defenseless and weak.

He allowed himself a small, gloating smile as he walked away.

“Sayonara Turtles.”

The door slammed shut.


	11. Leadership

Leonardo had been patient. Silent. Waiting for his opportunity to strike. He’d been everything he knew a good leader should be; strong, calm, and defiant in the face of the enemy. Other than a few slips, he never let Shredder get under his skin.

Or at least, didn’t let him see it.

The truth was, Leo had been suffering since the moment he woke in this prison. His failure to grasp the whole scope of the situation on the surface had been what led to their capture. It was his fault they were down here. And every decision he’d made since then had only cause more pain.

Starting with Mikey.

When Shredder first came to take Raph away and Mikey was forced to go in his stead, Leo had panicked. His every muscle screamed that he throw himself against the bars and try to break out and rescue his brother. But as the leader, he had to be an example. If he started freaking out that their brother might be killed, it wouldn’t help the others keep their heads.

So he forced himself to remain calm. Pushed aside all emotion and stayed strong in the face of adversity.

It was Mikey’s look that nearly did him in. When he was being dragged away, he called for Leo with a scared, pleading look that pierced the leader to his core. Had he been allowing himself to feel anything, he was sure he would have broken down right then.

His baby brother called for help. And Leo couldn’t save him.

Since then it had been an uphill battle to keep his emotions in check. Guilt clouded every thought, choking every breath, and second guessing every decision. The stabbing realization of how useless he was became a constant companion.

When Raph was taken the first time, Leo again felt the sting of knowing he was helpless to stop it. But he’d acted as confident as possible, letting Raph know he believed in his strength. Deep calming breaths had been the only thing that kept him from pacing his cell in anger. He wished in that moment he could be allowed the luxury of a temper; to be allowed to let loose, punch a wall, shout and scream, and let it all out. But he knew such actions would not only frighten his brothers, but also let Shredder know he was winning.

So once again he forced himself to remain calm. He wracked his brain for any solution to free them, but still nothing came.

He had tried to calm Donnie, who was clearly overtaxed from worrying so much, but while his speech was from the heart, it was withered with shame. He meant every word, and yet he still hadn’t been able to deliver on his promise: he still hadn’t found a way out.

By the time it was Don’s turn, Leo’s guilt had risen to a climax. Every time Shredder came, he acted strong to keep up the charade, but inside he was dying. His brothers were being tormented – physically tortured- and he could do nothing but sit and watch. He’d become a spectator in a living nightmare. As Don left, Leo gave him a confident nod, only praying Donnie couldn’t see the fear in his eyes. Raph had gone off the rails, punching the wall and shouting his anger, and Leo couldn’t help the twinge of jealously that stung him that moment; he wished more than anything that he could blow off steam like that. Just get angry and let his frustrations loose for the world to see. But again… as leader, he was the example.

He swallowed his fear. Swallowed his guilt. Squared his shoulders and stayed as strong as he could. Every time a brother doubted their ability to get out, Leo was quick to keep them positive. But every time he had to say “we’ll find a way” without having a plan, it tore him apart, piece by piece.

His moment with Mikey had strengthened him a bit. It still cut him every time his younger brother’s voice came out so weak, but at least he was well enough to talk. Leo could see the worry in Mikey’s eyes as he’d spoken about Raph, and his every energy went into keeping his brother’s spirits up. If Mikey gave up hope, there was none to be had. And Leo needed that unquenchable energy right now more than ever… he needed to know his brothers weren’t giving up on him. He wouldn’t be strong enough to do this alone, he knew that for a fact.

Don was finally returned, and while he wasn’t bleeding or bruised as much as the other two, Leo could tell he was in more pain. Whatever Shredder had done to him was clearly worse than a scrape or a burn. The thoughts of what might have transpired were enough to make him sick. But what happened next stopped him cold.

It was supposed to be his turn. All three brothers had had their share of pain, now it was time for him to step up and protect them. Time to be the big brother and keep them from harm, at least for a little while.

And then Shredder picked Mikey.

Leo’s mind seemed to freeze. Shredder was clearly doing this on purpose; forcing the self-proclaimed leader to watch as his family was destroyed in front of him. But that didn’t stop the guilt that shook his body. He wanted to cry out. He wanted to shout at Shredder “Take me! Leave them alone!” but the words didn’t come.

He had to appear strong. Had to keep Shredder from knowing he was getting to him. Had to pretend he wasn’t afraid.

So he remained silent. Nothing but a small slander at Shredder’s honor to defend his youngest brother. He didn’t think there was anything he could do.

Then Raph volunteered.

And worse… Shredder accepted. Telling Leo all he had to do was ask –dangling that modicum of possibility in his face- it was as if Shredder had torn out Leo’s heart and served it to him on a plate. He could have volunteered… He could have saved his brothers from more pain. Why didn’t he!? Why didn’t he even try!?

His eyes had clouded with guilt and despair. As Raph was dragged away, Leo tried to look strong for his brother, but the red-banded ninja didn’t even make eye contact. And Leo knew… Raph was disappointed in their leader. Because a leader would have attempted to volunteer. A leader would have at least tried something to protect his brothers.

A leader should have known what to do.

And Leo didn’t.

Everything in him wanted to curl up in a corner and close his eyes to the world, pretend like this was all some horrible nightmare. He wanted to scream. To cry. To find some miraculous escape that would get his family to safety. But all he could do, in his pitiful little cell, was close his eyes and breathe.

Had Mikey and Don not been around, he would have thrown himself against the bars to his cell, shouting and screaming for Shredder to take him instead, not caring of the futility of his efforts. But he knew he had to remain strong, particularly for Mikey. Guilt was written all over his younger sibling’s face, so he tried to keep him positive. Tried to rally their spirits.

Tried to act like a leader.

But it was all for show. He’d never give up, but he could no longer deny the hopelessness that ate away at his soul. He hadn’t found an out. He hadn’t done his job.

He was failing.

In every way a leader –and a brother- could fail.

As always, he breathed through it, shoving his emotions into the deepest chasm he could create, but it took great energy to keep them there. It took great energy to stay strong. To keep positive. To fight the hopelessness and guilt. To be there for his brothers as they suffered.

Suffered because of him.

But if comfort was all he could offer –if keeping them positive and bearing the burden of hopelessness alone was all he could do in this garish situation- then he would do it. If it dragged him to an early grave, he would do it.

He was tired. Drained mentally from the strategic impasse of escape, emotionally from forcefully keeping strong in front of his brothers, and physically due to lack of sleep. He hadn’t even noticed until his two younger brothers nodded off while Raph was gone; he hadn’t slept once the entire time they were here. Not a wink. A few hours of meditation, but that was hardly rest. It’s no wonder his eyelids felt like bricks, even though his mind refused to quiet down. He knew he’d never be able to sleep knowing his brothers were in such danger. He also hadn’t drank most of his water, saving it purposefully to help his brothers with their injuries.

And yet it wasn’t enough.

Lack of sleep and dehydration were hardly comparable to physical torture. His brothers were much worse off than him. He had no right to be tired.

So he kept strong. Waited. Continued to fight the guilt and find a way out. A way home.

The first time he heard Raph scream during his torture, it had jostled the leader. His brother always kept his pain to himself, so the shout had been an indication of the kind of torment he was being put through. It grieved Leo. But that first shout had been nothing compared to the several that followed in his second bout with Shredder. Leo could feel the pain in his brother’s cries. And that last one… that immense wail of pure agony that had torn through the halls and into the prison like a grenade… Leo would be hearing that in his dreams for years to come.

It had scared him. Truly frightened him.

He was sure his brother was dying.

When Raph was thrown back in his cell, Leo felt his heart stop a moment. What if it had happened? What if Shredder had finally killed one of them?

He was unable to hide the anger that raced through his body. Anger at Shredder for hurting his family. Anger at himself for not stopping it. But he realized quickly he was only giving Shredder what he wanted, so he stuffed the hate away and regained his calm composure. His brothers would need that now more than ever.

When Raph finally opened his eyes, Leo’s heart returned to a normal speed. His stomach had been in so many knots, the sudden relief at his brother being alive nearly made him heave. Fortunately he was able to keep himself together. But seeing the stab wounds nearly threw him back over the edge.

Shredder had stabbed his younger brother. Twice. Clearly the turtles weren’t the only one’s having their emotions toyed with. Leo silently thanked whatever angel was watching over Raph, knowing full well Shredder could have stabbed the left side in his fit of blind rage.

Leo was no stranger to blood- he’d had to deal with his own and his brothers’ on multiple occasions when missions went awry. But this time, feeling Raph’s blood on his hands, it struck something inside Leo that made him lose his breath every time he thought about it; his brother’s blood was on his hands. It was his fault. And that guilt wouldn’t be shoved aside. Every time Leo looked down at his ever-paling brother, his heart lurched in despair.

It was all his fault.

He’d been pulled from his guilt train by Mikey’s sudden confession of where he felt his place was in the family. Leo couldn’t deny that it hurt him to hear Mikey feel like a burden. There had been many times the only reason Leo was able to stay strong was because his younger brother kept up hope, their current situation being a prime example. There were so many things that ran through Leo’s mind to tell his youngest brother in that moment; so many things he wished he could have said. But what right did have? If after all these years his team still didn’t know their own value –to him and each other- then he’d clearly foundered as their leader. As their older brother.

He was truly a failure. In every way possible.

Then Raph’s heart stopped beating.

Leo had panicked, his breath frozen in his lungs. And for the briefest of moments, fear took over every inch of his body. He’d only barely managed to rally himself from the suffocating dread in order to perform CPR. There was a small voice in the back of his mind that said it was too late. That his brother was gone. And it was that voice that made Leo try even harder; he refused to accept that reality.

And finally, Raph breathed.

Leo would never admit it, but the relief that swept over him in that moment was almost enough to make him cry. His brothers were still with him.

It was a comfort that was stolen the minute Shredder came back.

Once again, it had been his turn to finally protect his brothers; Shredder gave him the chance to save them from more pain. But Leo could see in his enemy’s eyes that it was all a ploy to elicit a reaction. Shredder knew the leader was forced to stay where he was or Raph would die. He knew Leo would have to ask a brother to endure his torment for him.

It was the final straw.

Leo’s emotions threatened to pour over, sending him raging at his enemy with fists flying in every direction and tears streaming down his face. But he used every ounce of strength he had left to keep himself under control. His heart turned to stone as he spoke his youngest brother’s name. Not an hour ago they had told Mikey what a necessity he was to the team, and now he was being given up like he meant nothing.

It broke Leo.

He was no leader. He was no protector. He was no brother.

He was a failure.

And his youngest sibling was paying the price.

Donnie had basically said just as much in his tired frenzy. The blue-masked turtle knew it was exhaustion and worry speaking, that his brother didn’t actually blame him for their predicament. At least not entirely. But that did little to settle his guilt. Every word Donnie had spoken stabbed at Leo’s conscience. All the would-be leader could do was stand strong and bear it. At the end of Donnie’s rant, Leo did his best to try and console the genius, knowing his words sounded like nothing more than a desperate attempt to try and do something useful. But he meant them. He needed Donnie to keep going. To keep trying. Without him, their brothers would probably be dead by now. And in the wake of what he’d just done to Mikey, Leo wanted at least one brother to know how important he was to the team. To him.

Telling Raph what he’d done had been almost as difficult as doing it. Leo was so emotionally taxed, he wasn’t sure he could keep himself together when he talked. Fortunately, it seemed that Raph at least bought the lie he fed him, but Leo didn’t like having to skew the truth. Desperate times and all that. And the fact that Raph was conscious was at least some comfort.

But Leo noticed how much it bothered him to hear his brother so weak; this was the brother who could take on the world in a brazen fit of glory, and now he lay in a puddle of his own blood, fighting for breath. It seemed so… wrong. Raph was supposed to be able to walk off all his injuries. He wasn’t supposed to be in mortal danger. He was supposed to be invincible. Seeing him having to grasp for every breath was slowly eating Leo away from the inside out. He’d been so lost in his own fight to keep his emotions in check, that he hadn’t even noticed his hands shaking until Raph pointed it out. Apparently holding firm pressure on someone’s shoulder for over an hour can cause cramps. Or maybe it was stress from watching his brothers suffer in front of him. Or fear causing him to tremble. Or all of the above.

It didn’t matter. A hand cramp was a small price to pay for his brother’s life.

Mikey was finally returned to them, and while Leo was relieved his brother seemed little worse than he’d left, it didn’t stop the guilt from crushing his spirit. He breathed deep, gathering strength once again to suppress his emotions.

Burry it. Keep it hidden. Don’t let them see. Try to at least act like a leader.

He was as calm as possible, asking questions to gather as much information as he could. His core grew ever colder each time he ignored his hearts desperate plea to feel. But Leo pressed on. Cast it aside and did what little he could to try and keep his brothers together. When Donnie talked about Mikey’s fever, Leo knew it was bad news. Their genius brother wouldn’t have mentioned it if it wasn’t a serious problem. But what could Leo do? Being stuck in his cell, he could only stay strong and support his brothers, lending them strength of spirit.

He’d never felt more useless.

His conversation with Raph certainly didn’t help. The sudden confession was hard to listen to; not only because Leo discovered he’d always made Raph feel like a screw up, but he also hated that his brother was recognizing how desperate his situation was. Normally it drove the leader crazy when Raph would ignore how badly he was injured, or how impossible their task was, and rush in, unafraid to attempt and fight his way through. Danger be damned. But right now, he’d give anything to see that brazenness in his brother’s eyes again. To have him shake it off with his usual ‘I’ll be fine’ and heal through sheer force of will.

But Raph was dying. He could see it in his eyes.

He knew Raph would fight to stay alive. He knew he’d never quit like that. But it still wrought him to his core to hear his brother talk about a scenario in which one of them was left behind. Left to die. And worse, Leo’d agreed to it. Not just to put his brother’s mind at ease- he honestly accepted that such a scenario might become reality, and he’d be forced to make a choice.

Leonardo prayed that scenario never came.

He knew he couldn’t do it. Even if it was the right thing to do, he knew he could never leave Raph to just lie in his cell and die alone. He’d sooner stay and die with him.

But the ninja in blue quickly shook his head to those thoughts. He had to stay positive. Be realistic, but don’t be cynical. Escape was still possible. They could all still get out. Together. Focus on that. Focus on doing something right. Or at least doing… something. Anything.

And finally, the time had come.

When Shredder came storming into the room, shouting at Donnie, Leo knew it was his chance. Their enemy wasn’t in his right mind. When they’d first been thrown down here, Leo feared the worst because they had no weakness to take advantage of.

Now they did.

Now Leo knew how to get to Shredder. He knew it wouldn’t just be something that irritated him, but something that would anger him to the point of losing his focus. Losing control.

And that was how Leo could win.

While Donnie was having the life choked out of him, Leo was extra cautious not to let his emotions run rampant; if he screwed this up now, he might lose their chance for good. After checking Raph’s injury once more, he saw it had finally clot enough that if he let go, the bleeding would remain relatively as thin as with his pressure.

He could leave. He could finally take Shredder head on.

So he told the truth. Swallowed his guilt and retold the story of how he’d let Shredder’s daughter fall into oblivion.

He knew that would get Shredder angry enough to take him.

At last.

He barely heard Shredder’s words above his own racing thoughts, but it didn’t matter.

He was finally going to protect his brothers. Finally going to do something right.

Finally going to find an escape.

As he was dragged off, he heard his brothers cry after him, and he felt a twinge of guilt at leaving their sides. Particularly Raph’s.

But this was for the best. This was to protect them.

This was to save them.

He closed his eyes and hardened his resolve, taking extra care to stuff his emotions somewhere that Shredder wouldn’t find them, no matter how much he prodded.

This was it. Leo would find a way out or die trying.

“String him up.” Shredder called as he walked to the computer.

Leo was thrown on the table, his arms and legs stretched out in a ‘x’ as the table moved to a vertical position. The leader looked around the room, taking in every detail he could. His eyes were cold. Emotionless. And defiant as ever.

“I have been looking forward to this.”

Leo didn’t acknowledge Shredder as he spoke. His mind was focused.

Don’t worry brothers.

He took a deep breath, preparing himself for anything that was to come.

_I won’t fail you again._


	12. Beginning of the End

Shredder hadn’t been expecting to take Leonardo right away. He still had a few hours of daylight, and he knew the red turtle was likely to die in that time, so he’d wanted to watch the leader break as his brother died in his arms. He hoped that catalyst would make it easier to tear down the turtle’s remaining defenses.

But when he heard their conversation about his daughter, his blood had boiled. They knew what would happen! They knew she would be thrown into an abyss! And yet they did nothing! He knew they were at fault for what happened, but he had no idea it was to this extent! The smart one could have stopped it!

Shredder threw the chair against the wall, anger consuming his body as he stomped around the room.

Then the purple one said it was possible to recreate the event. He could bring her back… he could save her! His daughter could be with him once more! That had sent him into a rage he’d been trying to avoid. No amount of focus could stop his fury as he stormed out of the room and towards the prison.

These turtles. These damned mutants! No more games. They would either return his daughter to him or they would die. Now.

He wasn’t entirely certain what he expected to happen, but Leonardo’s confession definitely caught him off guard. Whether the leader was spouting nonsense just to save the genius or not, Shredder didn’t care. Hatred blinded him to everything and he decided it was time. Time to finish the job.

He’d had his fun. Now he would destroy his enemy for what they’d done.

Taking Leo away, Shredder couldn’t help but feel a twinge of excitement at what would follow. The moment had finally arrived where his greatest adversaries would become a forgotten memory… he had to be sure to enjoy this.

Don’t let anger take away this moment. Relish it.

Then end it.

 

* * *

 

Raph leaned heavily against the wall, his body searing with pain from too much movement.

“Keep still Raph! You’re wound—“

“Didn’t you hear what he said!?” Raph huffed, his eyes closed as he tried to catch his breath. “He’s gonna kill him! We—“ Easy. Breathe. “We have to do somethin’!”

“I know, I know!” Donnie put a hand to his head in an attempt to stop the spinning. Blood still trickled from where his skull had collided with the wall and his vision was blurred. This wasn’t good… “Just don’t move, ok? We’ll figure a way out that doesn’t involve you bleeding all over the floor.”

“Leo…” Mikey still stared at the door, willing it to open with his brother somehow suddenly free. They had to help him, but how? Raph was too injured to move, Donnie’s head was bleeding down his neck and Mikey felt like he was being burnt and frozen at the same time; they had no way out and were in no shape to help their leader. It was in moments like this that Mikey would normally turn to Leo for answers, but with him gone, he could only say the words out loud, expecting no reply. “What do we do?”

Don took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. Shredder said Leo would never see them again, which meant Shredder was likely going to kill him. They couldn’t just sit in their cells praying for a miracle, they had to do something… but what!? “We have to stay positive.” Or so Leo would say. But Donnie’s logical mind could only see the reality of the situation when his mind raced to find an escape and came up empty: there was no escape. There was no getting out of this. He couldn’t fix this one.

The room fell silent as the three visibly tried not to panic. The tension that filled the air was palpable as Mikey leaned his head back on the wall. “It’s Leo… He’s always got a plan.” He closed his eyes. “He’ll be OK.” Despite his best efforts, a tear escaped, rolling down his cheek. “He has to be OK…”

“Mikey’s right.” Raph whispered, not able to keep enough breath for full voice anymore. “Fearless’ll find a way out… he always does.” And that’s what Raph would keep telling himself. Lying in this cell, unable to move, barely able to breathe… he felt pathetic. Weak. So if he couldn’t be strong in body, he would be strong in spirit.

Leo would be alright.

Donnie was too far away from Mikey to see the tear, but he could hear how frightened his brother was. And honestly, he felt the same. Seeing what Shredder had done to Raph was a reminder that their enemy wasn’t playing around; he could kill them whenever he wanted. The only reason they were still alive right now was because Shredder had wanted to torment them. And for better or worse, they’d made it through so far. That’s what he chose to focus on.

Stay alive. Stay strong. Focus on the injured brothers in the room.

Leo could handle Shredder.

 

* * *

 

“Your brothers all had different levels of pain tolerance. I am interested to see where yours lies.” Shredder stayed near the computer, his back to his victim as he sent a shock through Leo’s body. The turtle made no sound. Unsurprising. He knew he wouldn’t get to this one the same way he had with the others. And he didn’t want to.

He wanted Leo broken. Mind, body, and spirit.

“You will not joke as the youngest did. He seemed to enjoy talking. His tolerance was about here.” Another shock engulfed the leader, but he only closed his eyes and breathed deep. Shredder cocked an eye at the voltage level; an impressive show of defiance given the amount of pain he was sure the turtle was in.

He expected nothing less.

“That level made him pass out.” He glanced at his victim who remained stone faced, showing no emotion other than same challenging glare. “Next was the one in purple; he’s a clever one. He was able to determine the type of serum I administered simply by how much pain he was in.”

Another wave of electricity, this one causing the leader to jerk his hands into fists and grit his teeth at the pain. “His tolerance only lasted to there. Slightly lower than the younger’s, but in his defense, the serum amplifies pain by at least a factor of three.” He stared at the turtle’s eyes, looking for any kind of reaction.

“Then there was the red one.” Shredder mused as he folded his hands behind his back. “Quite the trouble maker. The first time, he lasted to here.“

Light danced across the reflection in Shredder’s helmet as Leo lurched, keeping his eyes closed to try and meditate through the pain. Breathe. It’s all in the mind.

“But he claimed to be so strong, we had to test his limits.”

More electricity. More voltage. More pain. Leo kept his eyes closed so Shredder wouldn’t see how desperately he was fighting to keep himself from crying out. Had to stay strong. If Raph could handle it, so could he.

“He played at invulnerability, as you do now, but we cured him of that notion—”

Another shock. More intense. Leo couldn’t stop his body from lurching off the table as he ground his teeth, forcing every scream that crawled up his throat to fall back where it came from.

“—by breaking his body. One—“

The voltage went up and Leo tensed every muscle he could still feel to keep himself steady. Everything in him wanted to cry out in pain, but he held firm. Defiant.

“—piece—“

More intensity. The light of the electricity seemed to engulf Leo. He couldn’t breathe for fear he’d cry out instead of taking air in.

“—at a time.”

Another increase. Leo’s breath hitched as his body writhed from the pain. This felt like dying. How had his brother’s been able to withstand such agony!? Leo focused on his family; if he was feeling this pain, his brothers weren’t. It was him, not them. Focus on them. Focus.

Finally the electricity ceased and Leo’s body fell limp in his shackles. His eyes drooped as he forced himself to breathe deeply. It’s alright. Don’t panic. You can handle it as long as you keep calm.

Shredder was in no way surprised at how defiant his victim was being, but it would be a lie to say he wasn’t at least slightly impressed. The leader did not disappoint. Striding over to Leonardo, Shredder leaned in close. “Why bother trying so hard? I’ve already won.”

Leo closed his eyes a moment to take a meditative breath. When he opened them again, they were stone. He straightened himself in his restraints and held Shredder’s gaze. As though he hadn’t been in any pain.

Shredder glared slightly, feeling his anger at the turtle’s defiance rise. “Don’t play with me, boy. I’ve already seen it in you.” He circled Leo like a tiger ready to pounce. “Your mind is cracking under the weight of your failures: failure to see my trap from the beginning, and failure to free your family from it since.”

Leo kept his eyes rigid. His enemy’s words would not phase him. Not now.

Guilt later.

“Your body is strong, I’ll grant you that, but as I said before: even the strongest have their breaking points. I found your brothers’. It won’t be difficult to find yours.” Shredder stopped in front of the ninja in blue, sending his defiant glare back at him.

“That just leaves your spirit. I had thought watching your brothers suffer under my heel would have been enough to break it, but delightfully—“ He chuckled. “—You’re much more cold hearted than I could have imagined.”

Leo narrowed his eyes. He paid as close attention to his enemy as he could while his mind focused on where he was, taking in every detail of his surroundings: only 8 Foot present, with the possibility of more behind the doors across the room. Two doors that didn’t lead to the prison -not one like Donnie had thought- but one looked to be a plain sliding metal door that blended with the wall. Likely a surveillance or maintenance room. The thicker door was where Donnie thought an exit might be. And as his brainy brother had said, there was a pressure gauge and oxygen levels displayed on the computer, along with another indicator that Leo could only guess was for the voltage level. Or perhaps the electricity level for the whole complex. Either way, he knew where to focus his attention.

“Which allows me to take more drastic action.” Shredder continued. The press of a button made another large screen appear with the three turtles displayed in their cells. Surveillance from the prison.

Leo kept his expression solid. Emotionless.

“Is it just me, or did it get colder in here?” Mikey’s voice came through the speakers.

The eldest watched as Don wrapped himself around his brother, once again trying to keep him warm. “It’s probably your fever.”

Mikey blew through pursed lips as cold vapor appeared in front of him. “I can see my breath, Don.”

The purple-masked ninja paused a moment, testing his breath as well. “You’re right Mikey. Maybe it’s a malfunction with the temperature control?”

“Wait… Did you say… Mikey’s right?” Raph’s voice wheezed from across the room as Mikey smiled.

“I’m sure he could say it again… if you didn’t hear it… the first time.”

“I heard.” Raph swallowed hard, visibly having trouble getting breath to speak. “Just waitin’ for the flyin’ pig.”

“Ha, flying pig…” Mikey snorted a slight chuckle. “Good one bro…”

Shredder kept his stare on Leonardo as he watched the exchange. The leader had the faintest smile on his face as he watched his brothers.

He couldn’t wait to take it away.

“They seem to be in good spirits.”

“They are.” The blue-banded ninja flashed a grin at his captor, and Shredder caught it’s meaning:

‘You haven’t broken them’.

 

* * *

 

Don was surprised to note he hadn’t been aware of the change in temperature. Perhaps he was too lost in thought? Whatever the case, it was actually something he was grateful for; the lower temperature would slow Raph’s heartbeat so he’d bleed less. Though if he fell asleep, that would be a problem. The cold was definitely not good for Mikey, but at least Don could keep him slightly warmer with his body heat.

As for himself, the cold was the least of his worries. His head had stopped bleeding, but the room was still spinning. And his body was becoming too tired to move. Don was afraid he’d pass out from exhaustion at any minute. He tried to keep himself awake by checking on his brothers; it was the only thing he could think of to do that was of any use. “How’re you doing over there Raph? How’s your bleeding?”

Raph’s eyes had started to close as Donnie spoke. He slid them open, shaking his head to wake himself up.

“Raph?”

It took far more effort than it should have to lift his arm to his wounds. “Bleedin’s almost stopped.”

Donnie sighed; that was a relief. Leo must have been putting some serious pressure to help the lacerations clot so fast. Or maybe they’d been down here longer than he thought. His head throbbed as he tried to think straight. “Good to hear.”

“How’s Mikey?”

“Still here...” The young turtle raised his hand to wave before letting it fall; he was far too tired to even hold his arm up. “Are we home yet?”

Don noticed the younger’s words were slurring together. “Not yet Mikey.” That fever… he had to get it under control. What he wouldn’t give for some water right now. “Just hang in there a bit longer.”

“I’m hanging… hanging loose… hanging ten… hanging up…”

“Mikey?” Raph peered at his brother’s frail form.

“He’s delirious.” Tightening his hug, Don silently begged his older brother to hurry with an escape.

They were running out of time.

 

* * *

 

“Strong in spirit, perhaps, but not strong in body.” Shredder watched Leo’s reaction as the youngest started babbling nonsense. “It looks as though I’ve broken two of the four.”

Keeping his eyes narrow, Leonardo made sure his expression was neutral. He was worried, of course, but he had to keep his focus here. On Shredder.

As his capture paced around the table, Leo tried pulling on his restraints ever so slightly. He had a plan, and thanks to Shredder, he was certain it’d work. Or at least, more certain than he had been two minutes ago. Hearing his brothers talk about the temperature only confirmed his theory. Or part of it. He could test the rest as Shredder continued his game; slow and steady.

The Jonin was unfazed by the leader’s emotionless stare; he knew something the turtle didn’t. He knew what would happen next.

And he knew it mean the end.

The leader’s spirit would finally shatter.

“Where was I?” He circled back to the monitor, his back to Leonardo. “Ah yes… I was breaking your spirit.” There was a pause as Shredder looked to the three in the prison once more. “Clearly watching them hurt wasn’t enough. Your cold heart needed something more to crack it.”

Leonardo felt uneasy. Shredder didn’t normally gloat this much; not unless he was inflicting pain at the same time. What was he up to?

“So I’ve come up with a solution that, while drastic, is inevitable at this point.” Shredder turned to face him once more, a malicious smile taking over his eyes.

“I’m going to end their lives.” He leaned in close to his victim. “And I’m going to make you watch.”

 

* * *

 

“Can’t you do… somethin’?” Raph looked to the youngest turtle with worried eyes; he could see Mikey sweating and shivering from across the room.

“I can keep him warm, but that’s about it.” The helplessness in his voice was unmasked; Donnie was far too tired to keep up a strong front. His eyes kept closing despite his demands that they stay open. Every movement he made felt like lifting bricks. His body was done. And his mind was far too frantic to be of any use. Whether it be the exhaustion, or the concussion he was sure Shredder gave him, Don’s brain power was draining away.

“S’Ok bros… no worries over here…” Even in his delirious state, Mikey was still trying to keep the positivity. Leo would get them out. Just had to wait for Leo.

“Don?” Raph saw his brother grab his head again as he fell against the wall, still clinging to Mikey. “You alright?”

“I’m…” He had to take a moment to gather his thoughts enough to talk. “Dizzy. Everything’s spinning.”

“Try to breathe… through it.” Raph took his own advice, noticing how little air he was able to get into his lungs now. “Meditative breaths. Like… Leo always says.”

Don inhaled deeply, thankful his brother’s advice was able to cut through all the noise of his panicking mind.

“Better?”

“A bit... yeah.” He took another deep breath and gathered himself once more; focus. Stay sharp. Calm the mind and the body will follow. “Could definitely use a nap.” Or a month long hibernation. He breathed again.

Raph’s eyes started to close as he watched his brother breathe deeply. He felt the darkness snaking across his mind. Maybe if he closed his eyes just for a few minutes… No! Inhaling deeply to wake himself up, Raph forced his eyes open. No sleep. Not now. He was already a useless pile of shell with how much blood he’d lost, he wasn’t going to add to that by passing out.

He wouldn’t let the darkness have him. Not yet.

Lifting his arm once more to feel his wound, Raph noted that it no longer hurt to the touch. Either he was a mighty fast healer or his body was going numb from blood loss. Great. Just great. He rolled his eyes at his new level of uselessness and focused back on Mikey and Don. Raph was beginning to accept that he probably wouldn’t make it out of here, but he’d be damned if he clocked out before making sure his brothers were safe. “Just keep it together Don… Fearless’ll be back… soon.”

And hopefully with an escape.

 

* * *

 

Leonardo stiffened at Shredder’s words. He wouldn’t…

Shredder strode over to the computer and put his finger to a button, staring at Leonardo as he tapped it lightly. “ With just the push of a button, I can end their existence.”

Leo looked from the button to his brothers to Shredder, ever cautious that his emotions not show. Shredder’s voice suddenly darkened in anger.

“Just as you ended my daughter’s.”

Leo saw the hate that flit through Shredder’s eyes as he glared. The leader remained cold. Stone. Emotionless. Glowering defiantly.

“A life for a life.”

He held Shredder’s stare.

“A family for a family.”

Shredder pressed the button.

A loud thump rumbled through the complex as Leo noticed the doors to the prison lock in place and an orange light started flashing above it. He looked to his brothers on the screen.

 

* * *

 

Raph looked around the room, trying to determine where the thump had come from. Part of him had hoped it was Leo coming to get them out, but the quiver that ran up his spine told him otherwise. Something was wrong. “Did you hear that?”

“Yeah…” Though admittedly, Don hadn’t been sure it wasn’t just his head throbbing.

Mikey closed his eyes as a cold shudder shook his body. “Wasn’t me.”

“I wonder—“

Don was cut off by another noise quaking through the prison as a light on the wall opposite the door started flashing. The turtles looked to it, an unease gripping their muscles. Silence filled the room, stretching on long enough that the brothers wondered if maybe they had been hearing things.

“Don?”

“I don’t know.”

Suddenly the wall beneath the light started moving. A box of steel slid aside to reveal a small rectangular window, with steel bars as thick as the ones in the prison.

Don’s heart nearly stopped as he realized what was happening; it was a window to the outside. “Oh no…” The minute the steel slid away, water started pouring in.

Shredder was flooding the prison.

They were going to drown.


	13. Drowning

Leonardo had a plan.

He wasn’t sure how likely it was to work, but he hoped being out here with Shredder would allow him to gather enough information to see if his plan was solid. Sure enough, Shredder all but handed him everything he needed.

First was the voltage level on the computer. Leo had kept an eye on it as Shredder shocked him. The highest Shredder took it was about 65% percent, which he assumed was as high as was used on Raph. Then Shredder showed him the surveillance of his brothers and they confirmed his theory by talking about the temperature of the room; it had dropped, just as it had started doing the first time Raph was taken and the lights flickered.

This plan could work. Assuming it didn’t kill him. And honestly, he wasn’t sure it wouldn’t. But it was the only chance they had, so he’d find a way to make it work. Now he just needed time to test his theory; no point risking his life if his hypothesis was wrong.

But Shredder had taken away his opportunity to test it. Apparently he’d decided enough was enough and was ready to end everything.

Leo looked to the surveillance, watching helplessly as water rushed down the wall and towards his defenseless siblings, his eyes wide with fear. His every attempt to stay calm in the face of his brothers’ doom only ended with him pulling against his restraints to try and break free. He knew he was giving Shredder what he wanted, but for that brief moment, he didn’t care.

Shredder stared with an amused grin spread across his face.

Now he could watch the leader’s spirit break completely.

“It was me.” Leonardo kept himself from shouting, staying as calm as he could. “I let your daughter go. I let her fall into that abyss.” He looked to his capture, glaring daggers as he spoke. “Your revenge should be on me. Let them go!”

Shredder slammed his fist next to Leo’s head. “This is my revenge. I had to watch my daughter die because of you! Now you will know my pain.”

Shredder kept his face mere inches from Leonardo’s, studying his reaction, enjoying the fear he saw in his eyes. Suddenly the turtle threw his face forward, head-butting the Jonin’s forehead hard. Shredder stumbled back slightly, glaring at his captive. “Why you—“ He stopped himself, forcing control as he turned away. “Fight all you want, turtle. You can’t save them.”

 

* * *

 

“Guys…!” Mikey clung to his older brother as he stared wide-eyed at the water. “What do we do?”

Don held Mikey tighter against himself, panic threatening to take over his mind. This was bad. This was so very bad. His eyes darted around the room in a desperate attempt to see something –anything!- that might help them escape this fate. But there was nothing. Just as there’d been no escape the past three and a half days, there was no escape now.

No! There had to be something! Don refused to let himself give up, but fear started clouding his mind.

“Stay calm Mikey.” Raph’s voice finally cut through the room, weak as it was. “We’ll be alright. Leo’ll get us out…” Even as he said the words, Raph couldn’t figure how it was possible. But he had to find something to cling to. Something to keep him fighting. Something to keep the darkness away.

“Leo…” Mikey struggled to keep his mind clear. He felt nauseous. He felt tired. And more than anything, he felt scared.

“Don’t worry little bro,” Raph tried to sound as strong as his body would allow. “Leo’ll come through…” He looked to the door. “He always does…”

 

* * *

 

Leonardo took a deep breath, closing his eyes to his brothers’ predicament. He knew what he had to do, he just had to find the strength to do it. Focus.

No time for testing theories. He’d just have to go for it.

This could work. It had to work.

“Karai brought it on herself.” He mumbled loudly, watching Shredder’s hands tighten to fists. “She knew what she was doing was dangerous. But she didn’t care. She was trying to impress you, her ever-disappointed father.”

The Jonin kept his back to Leo, fighting to keep his calm.

“You brought in new soldiers and she thought you were replacing her. So she tried to prove herself.”

“Enough turtle.”

“She told me so herself! She felt like a disappointment. You made her feel like that.”

Shredder closed his eyes, steadying himself. He knew what Leo was trying to do, but the rage that burned inside him would not be denied.

“If you hadn’t taken her for granted, she’d still be here.”

The Jonin felt his control slipping away. “I said enough!”

“Face it Shredder…”

Don’t say it turtle.

“Karai’s disappearance is your fault.”

“AAAAAH!” Shredder roared in rage, slamming his fist into Leonardo’s stomach before pulling back and pointing to his soldier at the computer. “Shock him!”

Electricity coursed through Leo’s body as he breathed through it, his gaze still fixed on Shredder.

The Jonin’s eyes narrowed at the turtle’s defiance. “Zouka!” If this boy wanted to play at strength, Shredder was more than happy to tear him down. But the ninja in blue kept his eyes glaring at Shredder, barely wincing at the pain of the shocks. The Jonin’s lips scowled. “Zouka!” There was a brief moment where Leonardo closed his eyes to breathe, but then they were snapped back open, glaring at his capture, defiant as ever.

Shredder growled. “ZOUKA!” The turtle’s body lurched, obviously in agony. But his gaze still held firmly on his enemy. Shredder’s nostrils flared as anger pulsed through his body. This defiance -this enraging refusal to quit- was infuriating to no end!

Leonardo had to force his body to breathe through the pain, not able to control himself as he tried to pull away from the table; the torment was almost unbearable. But he made sure to keep his eyes fixed on Shredder. Almost there.

“Punish me all you want…” He breathed between gasps of air as electricity continued it’s destruction over his body. “Karai’s still gone.” Keep it together. Keep going. “And it’s still your fault.”

Shredder cursed, storming to the computer. “Enough of this! You wish to feel my rage,” His eyes were wild with hate. ”Then have it!” He turned a dial on the computer, raising the voltage level. “ALL OF IT!”

The light from the sudden boost of electricity danced around the room, startling the Foot soldiers who were standing near the table. They stepped back as Shredder continued to raise the voltage, his body radiating with fury.

Leonardo couldn’t stop the scream that clawed free of his throat. He had never known pain like this; everything in him cried in agony, writhing to get away from the electricity slashing through him. He clenched his eyes closed and his hands to fists, trying to keep focused. Stay awake. Don’t pass out.

But everything hurt. Pain was not a strong enough word for the scorching torment that seared through his every muscle and bone. It felt like being torn apart from the inside out. The shocks clawed at his flesh, tearing and burning as they pleased.

Shredder didn’t smile as he watched his victim thrash against the torture. His anger had reached a fever pitch and there was no going back. He no longer cared about breaking Leo’s spirit, he wanted to crush his body in his fist. How dare this turtle blame him! How dare he impugn his daughters honor!!

No one –NO ONE!- dishonored his daughter!

He would die for this.

The Foot soldier standing next to Shredder at the computer looked to the Jonin with timid worry. “Master, the compound—“

“Silence!!”

“But Mas—“

“I said SILENCE!”

No more arguments were made. The soldiers watched in silent fear as the blue-masked ninja held his eyes closed, mumbling something as he tried not to scream. There was no way he could survive this. No way.

Leonardo could do nothing but say healing mantras, desperate to keep himself from the panic and fear that shook his body. Desperate to stay conscious. Desperate to make it all stop.

Had to stay strong. Almost there.

 

* * *

 

As the water touched his skin, Mikey recoiled, feeling a shiver run up his spine. “It’s freezing!”

“The temperature’s the least of our worries.” Donatello noted, helping Mikey stand as both used the bars for support, their vision still spinning. The cold water did seem to confirm Donnie’s theory; they must have been deep enough that the sun couldn’t heat the water. “Raph, think you can move at all?”

The red-banded turtle tried, but his legs felt like led, and he couldn’t feel the right half of his body. “Gimme a minute.” He said, not wanting to admit defeat. The water was already starting to cover his prone form –and man was it cold!- which actually worked in his favor; the relief from gravity allowed him to move his legs ever so slightly. Not much, but it was a step in the right direction.

“No worries bro...” Mikey’s mind fought to keep himself in the land of the conscious. “You’ve always… been full of hot air. I’m sure you’ll float.”

Adrenaline coursed through Donatello’s body as he once again searched for a way out. Even if they could escape their cells, the door was closed solid and would only open for Shredder. And the bars on the window now allowing water into the complex were far too close together for them to squeeze through.

All they could do was hope Leo found a way to—

“The light!” Don watched as the light flickered, just as it had when Raph was—“Oh no…” The realization of what it meant flooded him with worry.

Raph tried to reason what the importance of a flickering light was when the whole prison was filling with water? “What ‘oh no’?”

“Leo—” Neither Raph nor Mikey had seen when this happened last time, so both were unaware of what it meant for their leader. And Don wasn’t sure he wanted to tell them. “Nevermind. Not important.”

“Do you think the whole place is… coming down on top of us?” Mikey asked, holding his head as his world continued it’s dance around his head.

Don couldn’t answer that. He only hoped it wasn’t the case. The rushing water was hip deep already and steadily rising. All he could do was keep faith that Leo would find a way out. Soon.

None of the three could hear their brother’s cries over the crashing of the water.

 

* * *

 

Leo saw the lights flicker and closed his eyes. Pain drowned him, stealing every breath from his lungs and stabbing his every nerve with violent intensity.

Hold on! Just a little longer!

Shredder’s anger had only continued to grow as he watched his victim chant mantras instead of scream in pain; a pitiful display. Though the Jonin had to admit, he thought the turtle would be dead by now. With the amount of voltage being shot through his body, Shredder was sure Leo’s heart would have stopped. His eyes narrowed as he held the voltage level near maximum.

The turtle wouldn’t be able to hold out forever.

Gasping for air as he felt his limbs going numb, Leo realized, whether he wanted it to or not, his body was losing this battle. There was too much electricity. Too much pain. And mental fortitude could only do so much.

Come on. A little longer.

He looked to his brothers on the computer screen; the water was already forcing them to swim having filled three quarters of the way to the top. They were running out of breathing space.

Stay strong. Don’t quit.

You can still save them.

He clung to consciousness with every fiber of his being as his body thrashed about, desperate for the pain to stop. He could do this! Just a little… longer…

Suddenly, everything went black.

The light in the prison disappeared, as did the electricity surrounding Leo. For a brief moment, everything in the compound completely shut down. Shredder looked around his base, aware he’d overloaded a circuit or something of the sort. The emergency power kicked in almost immediately. Lights turned back on, as did the computer, alerting Shredder that the emergency power was now in control of the facility.

The turtle planned this… he wanted Shredder to overload the circuits. Clever. Or at least it would have been if the Jonin hadn’t been prepared for such an event. He knew it was possible he might get carried away with his torture –as he already had with the red turtle- so he’d made sure emergency power was available to keep his captives subdued.

Waving two soldiers out of the room to fix the problem, Shredder took stock of his victim: his head was bowed, his body sagging in the restraints, and the familiar rise and fall of breath in his lungs had stopped. Shredder glared angrily, squaring his shoulders as he tried to calm himself.

He was gone. Finally!

The Jonin scoffed at the body. Some leader. The turtle had sacrificed himself in vane: the power was still on, they were still held captive, and his brothers were still going to die.

Shredder had won.

 

* * *

 

Don stayed as close to his brother as possible through the bars, wishing more than ever that they weren’t separated by the steel. Mikey was staying as calm as could be -probably at least half due to the fever frying his brain- but there was still fear in his eyes. Don knew his were no different. The water had risen to the point where they could reach up and touch the ceiling; they didn’t have much breathing space left, and the water showed no signs of stopping. Not to mention the cold; his body was half frozen before the water hit; now it shivered uncontrollably in a desperate attempt to stay warm.

And Leo showed no signs of coming back.

Don looked from his younger brother to his older, trying with every ounce of brain power he had to come up with a solution. There was always a solution! But his mind only replied with the panic of reality.

“You guys OK over there?” Raph called, his voice slightly stronger due to the adrenaline coursing through his body. He had to hold the bars next to him in to stay afloat because his legs were too numb to swim, but with every passing moment, he could feel more movement. Thank the universe for adrenaline. Not that it would help them get out of here, but at least he wouldn’t go down lying on his shell.

“OK is a relevant term…” Don replied off handedly, his head swiveling about, still refusing to give up.

“Leo… Leo’ll come for us… He’ll be back…” Mikey kept repeating that in his head, trying both to convince himself it was true, and keep himself awake. His body trembled from the cold, even though Don could still feel sweat dripping down his neck; Mikey was on his last legs. This fever was going to be the end of him if they didn’t do something soon.

What was he saying? This would be the end of all of them soon! Leo wasn’t coming back! And if he did, at this rate he’d be too late!

His mind started shutting down, exhaustion, fear, panic, and adrenaline all fighting for dominance. His breathing became quick and short, almost like a panic attack.

“Breathe Don. Breathe.” Raph saw his brother’s frenzy and once again felt the desire to be near them. More than anything he wanted to be able to punch a hole through the wall, find Leo, and bust out of there! But he was surprisingly calm and composed in the face of certain death. Possibly because he’d been facing it for a whole day by now, or possibly because the blood loss was making him lose his marbles. Either way, despite his desperate urge to throw his fists into the wall, he kept still, focusing on his brothers. “Mikey’s right, Leo’ll be back. Just hang on.”

Don looked to his older brother, fear clouding his features. “We’re running out of space to hang onto!”

Mikey felt his brother’s grip tighten around his shell. He wanted to say something positive, but his tired brain could only ask what his heart was trying to deny. “…Are we gonna die?”

Don looked down at his younger brother. Seeing the dismay in his eyes was the last straw. He pulled Mikey into as close a hug as possible, both for comfort and so he wouldn’t see his face. A tear streaked down his cheek as he closed his eyes to the world. To their fate. “…I’m sorry Mikey….” His voice cracked as he was unable to burry his emotions any longer. Their heads were nearing the ceiling. Air was in short supply. Logical mind or not, the results of their situation were clear.

Holding his younger brother tightly, Don let another tear roll down his cheek. He couldn’t fix it. Couldn’t get them out. His brothers were going to die in front of him and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Mikey returned the hug as tightly as he could. Hearing his brother’s voice crack had brought home the truth; they weren’t making it out of this one.

They were really going to die.

Mikey looked to both his older brothers, his body too exhausted to even try holding emotions back. This wasn’t supposed to be the end. They were supposed to make a miraculous last-minute save like they always did. But as the water kept pouring in, Mikey realized he didn’t want his last words to be ones of fear. So even if it meant it was a goodbye, he wanted to be sure he said it. “I love you bros…”

Don clenched his eyes tighter, not daring to look at his youngest sibling for fear he’d lose his mind completely and start weeping. Mikey’s innocent eyes could have that effect on people. “Me too Mikey… I—“

“Enough with the love fest!”

Both looked to their older brother who’d moved to the front of his cell, grasping the bars for support. His eyes were darkened by circles from lack of sleep, his right shoulder was covered in blood, and he looked like he’d just come back from a war zone. But his expression was strong. Determined. Unyielding.

It caught the brothers by surprise. “Raph…”

“We’re not done yet.” His voice was both firm and uncharacteristically gentle at the same time. “We survived through everything else… we’re gonna survive this.” He made sure to look both brothers in the eyes. “Fearless will be back, and he ain’t gonna be too happy if you two just give up like that. So just put the goodbyes on hiatus for a bit longer, alright?”

Donnie looked up at the ever-encroaching ceiling, then down to his younger sibling. Mikey smiled his best smile before looking back to their older brother.

They wouldn’t give up. They would hold on till the last minute.

But that minute was coming up fast.

 

* * *

 

It took a moment for the reality of Shredder’s victory to set in. After so many years of trying to destroy these mutants, who would have thought it would be so easy? He only wished he had done it sooner… then perhaps his daughter would still be here.

No. Not easy. He shouldn’t sell himself short. It had taken nearly a year to prepare everything. He’d poured all his resources into this plot. He’d earned this win.

Clenching his hands to fists as anger boiled to the surface once more, Shredder glared at his victim, taking note of the three about to drown in the prison.

This was it. Revel in this moment.

His enemies were defeated. Victory was his.

Perhaps he would keep their bodies so he could throw them at his nemesis, Yoshi. Seeing his sons dead before him was sure break the rat, and Saki knew that was a sight he’d want to see.

It was all worth it. All the planning, all the money, everything that went into this revenge plot; it had all been worth it.

Stalking over to Leonardo, Shredder couldn’t help the hatred that still burned in him towards the mutant. He wanted to be smug, to gloat over it’s corpse. But this turtle had been the one to let his daughter vanish… and not even death would grant him forgiveness. Shredder spit on the body, turning to watch the other siblings perish, when he heard a small sound: a groan.

It couldn’t be…

He turned to face Leonardo, looking him up and down. His chest remained still and his body limp. There were no signs of life.

No. It wasn’t possible. No one could survive that level of voltage, mutant or not.

Hearing a cry from the computer screen, Shredder looked to see his final three victims with their heads pressing against the ceiling; they were taking their final breaths. At last!

There it was again. Another groan. Almost inaudible it was so quiet.

Shredder stepped closer to the turtle, eyes narrowing. He was about to put a finger to Leo’s neck and check for a pulse when he paused: why check for a pulse when there was a much more definitive way to make sure the turtle was dead?

Cocking his hand back, Shredder made a blade appear. He glanced at Leo’s closed eyes once more before smirking ever so slightly, and thrusting his sword at the leader’s heart.

A hand came down and grabbed Shredder’s wrist.

The world seemed to move in slow motion.

Before the Jonin could blink, he caught site of Leonardo grinning as his finger came down on a button. Shredder’s eyes widened.

Light engulfed both of them as electricity poured from Leo’s cuffs, drawn to Shredder’s metal armor with stabbing ferocity. Leo grit his teeth to the pain once more, holding the control switch down with all the mental fortitude he could muster.

Shredder’s cry echoed through the hall, bringing the attention of all the Foot soldiers in the room.

When Leo finally released the button, the electricity ceased as Shredder’s eyes rolled to the back of his head. The shocks had scorched his entire body so intensely due to the metal that a slight haze of smoke wafted from his armor. He fell to the ground, unconscious.

Leonardo held firmly to Shredder’s wrist, turning his grip to press the only button on the embedded control panel that he had yet to see pushed. His wrists and ankles were freed of the their shackles and he dropped to the floor.

Landing on his feet with a thud, Leo squared his shoulders as he stood tall, shaking off the pain. He looked around the room and counted the soldiers now heading for him; only six were left in the room, plus the two who’d left to fix the overloaded circuits. They were certain to have heard their master’s scream.

Glancing at the computer screen, Leo saw his brothers’ heads up against the ceiling, gasping for the last sliver of oxygen in the room. Had to hurry. He pulled the blade that Shredder was going to stab him with from the Jonin’s armor, twirling it in his hand as he stared at the Foot surrounding him.

Time for some payback.

 

* * *

 

Raph stared at the door, determination still blazing in his eyes; he knew Leo would be back. He had to. But one glance at the ceiling that was only a few inches away and he couldn’t help but think this might be it… maybe this was the time they didn’t get free.

No. Don’t think like that. Stay strong. He couldn’t break them all free. He couldn’t protect them from this –it killed him to even think that- but he could at least keep them together. Give them hope. Even if there wasn’t any to be had.

“Raph… I don’t think Leo’s coming…” Mikey broke the silence as he looked to his older brother with fear in his eyes.

Raph couldn’t handle the despair in his baby brother’s expression. The adrenaline coursing through his body may have returned him some of his strength, but it also brought his guilt back full force.

He couldn’t protect his brothers. They were gonna die and he couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.

Raph shook his head of the thoughts, keeping his gaze fixed on the door. “Don’t give up Mikey. Fearless’ll be here.” He had to. It wasn’t gonna end like this. It couldn’t.

Don put a hand up to press against the ceiling. It wasn’t a question of giving up or not at this point; they were literally inches away from running out of air space. “Guys… I don’t think Leo’s coming back.”

“He’ll be here, just give it time!”

“We’re out of time Raph.” Donnie’s voice was timid as he held his younger brother. “I’m sure Leo did his best.” He suddenly wished it were possible to speak to his older brother one last time… to make sure he knew they didn’t blame him for this. To make sure he knew how much they cared about him. “I… I want you to know you guys inspire me.” At least he could tell the two in the room what they meant to him.

Raph fought against his brother’s goodbye. This wasn’t the end. It couldn’t be! He wouldn’t let his family die like this! “Don, don’t. We’re not—“

“You especially Raph. I’ve always wished I could be as brave as you. And Mikey—“ he looked down to his younger brother who was trying to offer a comforting smile, despite the panic in his eyes. “You are a genius. You understand people in a deep, emotional way that’s so rare…”

“Stop Don! Fearless’ll—“

“Shh, Raph… Don’t interrupt Don… when he’s calling me a genius…” Mikey attempted a laugh, but it came out half gasped as his head hit the ceiling.

Raph’s mind was beginning to panic. His breath came in short, quick gasps as he closed his eyes. He couldn’t quit… there had to be a way. “I’m… I’m sorry.” The words choked in his throat, his entire body not willing to accept this was it. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you guys…” his breath hitched as his grip on the bars tightened.

“S’ok bro… you did your best…” Not that Mikey blamed him in any way.

“We all did.” Don looked to his older brother once more before having to tilt his head up to keep his mouth out of the water.

Mikey’s brain suddenly began to panic as he too tilted his head, gasping for air. “Guys!”

“Hold your breath Mikey!” Raph called, his eyes focused on his brothers as his body twitched with desperation to fight for a way out.

With his last breath, Mikey looked to the door with panicked terror in his eyes. “Leo…!!”

All three gasped for air as the water hit the ceiling, stealing the remaining oxygen from the room.

With the prison completely submerged, all the siblings could do was look to the door, praying for a miracle.

Praying for their brother to somehow save the day.

Knowing it was already too late.


	14. The Great Escape

Side step. Parry. Duck and attack. Sword on his right. Spin dodge. Block left flank. Uppercut and knock back.

The battle had commenced and Leo was sorely out of strength to end it with his usual swiftness. Six Foot soldiers would normally take less than a minute to knock out, but in his weakened state, he could barely keep the weapon in his hands raised, let alone attack.

Speaking through his motions helped. Telling his mind what his body was doing kept him focused. Alert.

Every movement he made sent waves of pain crashing through his body, his fried nerves unable to handle any more torment.

Agony. That was a good word for it. It was agony to move. Every time a muscle contracted it felt like it was being torn open. Shredders torture had certainly lived up to expectation… and then some.

But Leo could handle it. He breathed deep, focusing on allowing the oxygen to fuel his body. Focusing on his movements, his attacks and defenses.

Focusing on his brothers.

He had to get to his brothers.

A boot to the head caught him off guard and he was sent falling back a few steps. Just enough for another Foot to slice his blade towards Leo’s face. The ninja quickly turned his sword horizontal to block, setting his stance so he could hold the defense. But right now the soldier was stronger than him. Leo’s muscles were too damaged to strong arm his way out of this one. Another soldier was coming up behind him. Leo pressed against his blade even harder, making sure the Foot in front of him put full forced into his counter, then suddenly pivoted sideways. The soldier hadn’t been expecting the sudden release and barreled forward into the one who’d been coming at Leo’s back.

Leo didn’t wait to watch them clunk heads before turning to another soldier with his sword raised.

He didn’t have time for this! His brothers were drowning!

Taking a quick glance at the computer, Leo saw his siblings still holding their breath. Under normal circumstances they could actually hold out pretty long; Mikey was the best, clocking in at around 5 minutes. But with how injured they were and the panic he’d seen in their eyes, he sincerely doubted he had that long.

Hold on guys… I’m coming.

Sidestepping another swipe, Leo elbowed the soldier in the face, grabbing his weapon as he fell. Two swords… this felt much better. Another Foot was at his back. Leo spun around, parrying the blade before tripping the wielder to the ground and slamming a knee in his chest. He wouldn’t be getting up anytime soon.

Three left. All came at him at once.

Perfect.

Leo held his swords out in front of him, glaring the Foot down. One jumped high as the other two came in low.

No time to think.

He swung right, turning his blade to knock the sword away from the soldier there, allowing his shell to take the hit from the one opposite before continue his spin to do the same to that soldier. As they both clamored for their weapons, Leo sidestepped the one who jumped, slamming a foot to his back as he landed which sent him flying into the opposite wall. The two soldiers left had their weapons again and swung from opposite directions.

Parry front and back. Spin. Let the shell take the hit.

The soldier on his right got lucky and managed to stab Leo’s arm before he could block. The ninja barely felt it amidst all the other pain coursing through his body, but it did leave the soldier open. He raised his arm and brought his elbow down hard on the Foot’s neck before he could retrieve his sword.

Then there was one.

Pulling the weapon from the gash in his arm, Leo twirled the swords, his eyes serious. Intimidating. The Foot took a ready stance before jumping at him, coming low at his legs. Leo blocked, but wasn’t fast enough to land a hit. Swinging around the soldier stabbed at his side, but Leo parried with his other sword, swiping at the soldier’s head with his free weapon.

The Foot moved back, taking stock of the situation once more before jumping in again, this time from above. Leo crossed his swords in front of him to block, but the weight of the soldier was too much for his tired muscles. He blocked successfully, but stumbled backward, hitting the floor hard and losing his swords in the process.

The soldier wasted no time gloating. He rushed the turtle full force, sword ready to cut through his heart. Leo glared, waiting for the right moment.

As soon as the soldier was closed enough, he ducked down, again letting his shell take the hit, and slid across the floor to where Shredder lay. The soldier could only watch in confusion as Leo grinned, holding his finger over a button on Shredder’s wrist. What was—

The soldier looked down to see one of the turtle’s cuffs around his ankle. But how!? When did he—

Electricity erupted from the cuffs and the soldier screamed, falling to the ground unconscious in only a few seconds.

Leo sighed. Finally. He stood to look at the computer, but fell almost immediately. His body was still trying to catch up to him. Shaking his head, he inhaled deeply and forced himself up. Come on. Get to your brothers. Move!

Running to the computer, Leo saw the three in their cells: Raph was punching the bars in front of him with his one good arm, Mikey was holding tight to Donnie who was—

Oh no… Please no. Don’s eyes were wide and frantic as he tried desperately to hold his breath in. But Leo had taken too long. Don coughed, breathing in water instead of oxygen. Leo watched in horror as his brother lurched in panic, trying to expel the water and find air.

Do something Leo! Move! He looked at the controls on the computer, but there were many buttons and switches, and Leo didn’t have the first clue where to start. He couldn’t just press everything at random, what if he shocked his brothers and they lost their breath?

Donnie’s body stopped lurching. Eyes wide with fear, Leo watched as Mikey grabbed his brother and shook him. Suddenly a cough escaped Mikey’s throat and his eyes panicked. Raph screamed, apparently not caring about the need to retain oxygen, as he grabbed the bars in front of him and shook them.

Dammit Leo, do something! Don said Shredder was the only one who could open the doors. Was it a password? It couldn’t be the control on his wrist, Leo had seen what all the buttons on there did. But the doors did open every time Shredder was near.

No time to theorize, just do it.

Running to Shredder, Leo grabbed his wrist and tore the gauntlet with the control panel off his hand. The metal was hot from the shocks earlier, but the controls still worked; Leo had already proven that.

Hang on brothers. Just hang on!

Grabbing two unconscious Foot, one over his shoulder and one under his arm, he ran for the door, begging this to work as he pressed the same button that had released his cuffs.

Nothing happened.

Come on! Open!

Suddenly the door began to move, the familiar sound of metal scraping filled the room as Leo nearly jumped in relief. Apparently you had to be near the door for that to work, otherwise it would have opened when Leo pressed it before. But it also meant they automatically closed, because Shredder never pressed it to close the doors. Leo had watched. There must have been sensors of some sort so when you left the doors close automatically.

Taking one of the Foot to the opening, Leo stabbed a sword through the soldier’s uniform, pinning him to the wall just inside the hallway. If his theory was correct, that should keep the door open.

Wasting no time, Leo picked up the other soldier and booked it through the hallway to the next entrance and pressed the button.

The seconds that passed felt like an eternity.

Don’t give up yet guys. Please…

Finally the door began to slide open. Leo stabbed the soldier’s sword into the ground as hard as he could, grabbing the hilt in a tight grip.

Water rushed out of the prison with immense force. The cold took Leo off guard, but he held fast. The salt water in his fresh wounds made him hiss in pain.

Hold on. Just hold on.

As the water flooded out of the room, Leo could feel his pulse quicken, fear making him doubt if he’d made it time.

No. They were alive. His brothers were alive. They had to be.

Finally the room was emptied, toe deep water still remaining as the window continued to allow water in, now flooding the entire complex, not just the prison.

Leo heard coughing and gasping for air from in the prison.

They were alive!

He ran inside to see Raph and Mikey spitting up water.

“Leo!!! We knew you’d be back!” Mikey smiled between coughs.

Raph hacked out the rest of the water from his lungs, noting that it was mixed with blood. He huffed heavily, trying to catch his breath. “What took ya, Fearless?”

Leo couldn’t help the grin that crossed his face as he pressed the soldier’s hand to the lock on Mikey’s cell, opening it. “They threw me a going away party.”

“Some souvenir.” Raph smirked, nodding to the soldier in Leo’s arms.

The fear that had tugged at Leo’s heart for so long was finally easing as he spoke with Raph. His brothers were alive… they could finally go home!

“Donnie!!”

Mikey’s sudden cry snapped Leo back to reality. The purple masked turtle lay in a heap in the middle of his cell. Leonardo used the soldier to open the cell then tossed him and rushed to his brother’s side, turning him over so he layed on his back. “Don?” Leo put a hand to his neck but felt no pulse. No.. not again. Not now! They were so close! “Come on Don, wake up.” He started compressions on his brother’s chest, trying to be careful of the burn in his plastron he was now able to get a decent look at. “Come on Donnie. Breathe.” This was becoming all too familiar. The same panic that had terrorized him when Raph was in this position came back full force. Leo’s hands started to tremble as he continued the compressions, slightly harder this time.

“Donnie… Please bro, you gotta breathe.” Mikey’s voice was cracking and weak. He was trying to stand and walk over to his brother’s cell, but his body was too much of a wreck to move.

Raph could also only watch. He attempted to stand twice, but both times just ended with his legs crumbling underneath him. Adrenaline didn’t matter anymore, he’d lost too much blood to pump it through his system. He stared at his genius brother, willing him to breathe with every bone in his body.

“Breathe Donnie.” Leo’s voice was calm, but his mind was terrified. He’d taken too long. He should have finished off the Foot faster. Should have found a way out quicker. Shouldn’t have let his brothers get into this mess in the first place! He pressed his brother’s chest harder, desperation starting to take over his mind. They couldn’t sit here forever, the compound was still filling with water. And it had only taken a few minutes for the prison to fill, Leo doubted it would take more than fifteen for the whole lair to do the same. “Don’t do this to me Don.” He whispered. “Don’t quit on me now. Come on.” Keep fighting. “Breathe.”

Still nothing.

Mikey couldn’t help it as several tears rolled from his eyes. “Come on Donnie…w-we’re going home... You need to wake up.”

His skin was freezing and Leo hoped it was from the water. Rubbing his brothers arms a few times to try and get blood flowing again, Leo then resumed compressions. He knew they couldn’t stay. They had to get going. But he couldn’t leave him… he couldn’t just abandon his younger brother.

He wouldn’t.

Mikey couldn’t take it anymore. He’d finally managed to crawl his way to Don’s side, but seeing his brother pale and unmoving was too much to handle at this point. He gave in to the grief tearing at his soul as he clutched his brother’s hand. “No Don… Come on bro, we’re so close… You can’t do this now. Don…” He let his head fall to his brother’s arm as he held his hand even tighter. “DONNIE!”

Leo was sure he’d hear that piercing cry in his nightmares for the rest of his life.

Movement. Don moved! Leo stared at his brother, wondering if he’d only imagined it. Another twitch. Don’s eyes twitched! His head moved slightly as his throat contracted; he was trying to cough up the water! Leo turned him to his side and gave his brother’s shell a hard smack. Water spurt from Donnie’s mouth as he gasped, oxygen charging into his lungs in heavy wheezes.

A collective sigh fell from all three siblings.

The turtle in purple blinked several times, trying to get his bearings as his lungs still greedily grasped for air. “What…” He gasped again. “What I miss?” His voice was horse and it hurt to talk, but looking around to see his brothers had made him feel calmer than he had in days.

“Donnie!!!” Michelangelo threw his arms around his brother’s chest, clinging as tightly as he could. Almost afraid to let go. “Dude… you’re alive!” He buried his face in his brother’s shoulder, his eyes slammed shut for fear that if he opened them again, his brothers would be gone.

Don offered a small, helpless smile as he placed a hand on Mikey’s shell, steadying himself as he sat up. “I’m ok Mikey…”

“Don’t you ever do that again, Don. You… scared Mikey!” Raph called, trying to steady his own voice so they couldn’t hear his worry.

“You’re one to talk.” Don coughed a bit more water, trying to gather his thoughts. They weren’t drowning… what happened? Last thing he remembered was trying to push away from Mikey so he wouldn’t see him choke. The memory made him grip his little brother tighter.

“No time guys, we gotta move. This whole complex is gonna be under water soon.”

“Leo!” Don only just computed his older brother was in the room. Good gracious his brain was tired. “You made it! “ his gaze was pulled back to his younger brother who was clung even tighter to him.

Leo felt a pang of guilt stab at his heart at he watched his younger siblings. He straightened up and stood. “Come on. Think you guys can walk?” He held out a hand.

Donnie tried to pull away from Mikey, but the young turtle held fast. Don put both arms around his brother and gave him a gentle squeeze before pulling away. “It’s ok Mikey… I’m ok. We’re gonna go home.”

The orange-banded turtle looked to his older brothers and nodded weakly. Home… he so badly wanted to go home.

As Don had consoled Mikey, Leo opened Raph’s cell and then pushed the button to release his brother’s from their shackles. All rubbed their wrists, thankful to finally be free of the metal bands.

“Time to go.” Leo held his hands out again and the youngest turtle’s grabbed hold. Leo tried to pull them up, but both felt their legs buckle under the sudden weight and toppled over as Leo tried to catch their fall. They tried once more, but again, both younger turtles were unable to hold themselves up. Exhaustion, illness, and near death experiences had all compiled to make them too weak to stand, let alone walk.

Leo stopped them from trying a third time. “Easy guys. Looks like we’ll have to do this one at a time.” He glanced at Raph who nodded knowingly at him. It made Leo uneasy… he didn’t want to think that he might actually have to honor his promise.

Shaking his head of such thoughts, he took Donnie’s arm and slung it over his shoulder. “Come on Don, you’re up first.”

That caught Donnie by surprise. “Me? But—“

“I may need your help with the ship.” Leo had no way of knowing what was behind that big door in the other room, but his educated guess was an escape pod of some sort. And he’d been pretty good at predicting Shredder so far. If it was a ship, he’d need Don to figure out how to make it work.

Looking to his other siblings, Leo gave a determined nod. “We’ll be back.”

As Leo and Donnie left the room, Mikey inhaled deeply, relief swelling through him. “We’re gonna be… OK…”

“I told ya.” Raph leaned on the bars outside his cell, happy to finally be free of that cage. “Now aren’t you glad we didn’t say our goodbyes?”

“Nah.” Mikey leaned on his shell, thankful to be laying down for a bit. He turned to face his older brother. “’Cause I still love ya Raph.” Goodbye or not.

The older turtle smiled, rolling his eyes at the sentiment. “Yeah…” His eyelids slipped close a moment. “You too kid.” And that’s as close as he’d get to saying it.

 

* * *

 

Leo all but carried Donnie through the hallway, trying to keep them moving as fast as possible. It wasn’t just that the facility was filling with water, he wanted to get his family to safety as soon as possible. They may not be drowning, but they weren’t out of the woods: Mikey’s fever was probably worse after his swim in subarctic water, Raph was in desperate need of some blood, and Donnie’s lungs had just taken an unwanted swim. They needed somewhere safe to heal. And fast.

As they walked into the other room, Donnie glanced around at the scene before him: Foot soldiers and weapons strewn about everywhere, the table still standing vertically with the restraints at it’s feet, and Shredder crumbled in a pile with steam coming from the water touching his armor. “What did you do?” He asked in awe. However his brother had managed it, Don was officially impressed.

“I’ll explain later.” With the gauntlet in hand, Leo walked up to the door and pushed the button. The two turtles waited with baited breath to see what lay behind: a ship? A pod? It could have been a staircase for all they knew, but Leo didn’t care. If it got them home, that’s all that mattered.

The door split down the middle, opening outward to reveal a small hangar area.

With a ship inside.

Leo knew it!

“Doesn’t look like much.” Don eyed the craft, noting how small it appeared on the outside. It looked almost like a fighter jet, but with a big round cockpit area.

“Think you can figure out what makes it tick?”

“If I can get inside, sure.”

Frowning slightly, Leo walking closer in the hopes that maybe the button would also work on the ship. No such luck.

“Leo, look.”

The leader followed Don’s gaze, sighting a pad like the one’s that held their cells shut. “Palm scanner?”

“Looks like.”

“I’ll go get the key.” He lowered Don to the ground and ran to Shredder, throwing him over his shoulder in a rather uncivilized manner, and heading back to the ship.

Don watched as Leo placed their enemy’s hand on the pad. A ramp lowed out of the craft as the door lifted up. They were in! As much as Don wanted to jump in excitement at the prospect of going home, his vision started to blur again and his legs were going numb; must have been the water. His body was probably going hypothermic. Don shook it off as his brother walked back over to him, lifting an arm over his shoulder.

“Looks like we’re in business Don.”

The inside certainly felt bigger than it looked outside. There were two seats near the control panels in the front, several groups of buttons and switches all around the back, plenty of space throughout the cabin, and even two oxygen masks on the other side of the door. The little lifeboat was simple yet impressive.

Leo looked to his brother –who seemed to be almost excited at getting to toy with this thing- as he lowered him into one of the seats. “You got this?”

The genius nodded. “Got it bro. I’ll have her up and running before you can say ‘Ninja Turtle’!”

The two exchanged a smile before Leo took off, grabbing Shredder on his way. He didn’t think the metal-clad villain would wake after the shock he took, but just in case, he didn’t want the guy anywhere near his brothers. He threw Shredder against the still-vertical table, satisfied that he was far enough away from their exit. He considered for a moment clapping one of the restraints on his wrist, but the shocks wouldn’t be useful now, not with water covering the floor. They’d do more damage than good. He nodded.

Back to his brothers.

Running through the hall, Leo noticed the water was ankle deep already; this place was filling up fast.

Keep moving. Almost home.

As he came into the room, he saw Mikey trying to crawl his way to Raph, who seemed to be having troubles keeping his eyes open.

“Leo! You gotta take Raph…” His voice was weak as he tried to reach his brother. “He’s fadin’ fast bro.”

The elder looked to Raph who only replied with a knowing stare. The two seemed to hold each other’s gaze a moment before Leo finally spoke. “You’re not in such great shape yourself.” He grabbed the youngest’s arm and slung it over his shoulder. “Up we go.”

“Dude… Raph needs—“

“Don’t worry Mikey, we’re all gettin’ out of here. I take you, then I come back for Raph, ok?” He didn’t wait for a response as he started walking, but Mikey’s legs fell out from under him and he nearly dragged them both down as he fell.

The leader steadied himself as he looked his brother over: Mikey’s skin was frozen, his head was overheating, and his entire body trembled. Leo was certain he’d never felt his brother so weak. What he wouldn’t give to see Mikey bounce off the walls and talk up a storm right now.

Soon. He’d get them home and they’d be ok. Just stay positive.

Speaking as gently and comforting as he could, Leo picked his brother up so he was slung over his shell in a piggyback manner. “Come on Mikey. I need you to stay strong just a little bit longer, ok? We’re almost home.” Don’t quit now.

“Almost… home…” Mikey smiled at the thought. Whatever adrenaline had been pumping through his body was clearly failing as his mind was becoming jumbled and fuzzy again. He couldn’t see straight and everything felt too hot and too cold at the same time. But he listened to his older brother: Leo had said they’d find a way out and he did. If he said they were going to make it home, Mikey believed him. “Let’s do it bro…” He clung tight to his brother as Leo began to run, taking a quick glance back at Raph as they took off.

Raph watched his brothers leave, satisfied that Leo had kept his word. Not that they were in any danger of one of them being left behind at this point, but it still made him feel better to know the others were safe. Adrenaline fortunately still had a foot in his bloodstream, so he was still feeling alright. But he knew it wouldn’t last. His right side was completely numb and he couldn’t even feel himself shivering anymore; he saw his hands tremble, but felt nothing. Probably not a good sign.

As he lay against the cold steel, he looked around the room at the prison, almost surprised they were actually getting out. Not that he doubted Leo coming back for them –not even for a second- but after what felt like months of darkness and torture… it almost felt surreal to actually be going home.

Home… Man, Master Splinter was going to lecture them to ground after this one. He was probably going crazy with worry. And Casey… that big lug was undoubtedly damaging property with his concern. Raph always got along well with Casey, not just because they had similar interests or temperaments, but because they both understood how the other thought or felt in any given situation. When Raph was concerned, he got angry and took it out on objects or enemies. Casey was the same. When Casey was upset, he’d want to bash heads in, sure, but he’d also want to talk it out without feeling the weaker man for it. Raph was always willing to listen.

They were good friends.

And right now, Raph almost wished Casey was down there with them, only so he could see that stupid face of his again. The hockey wanna-be was probably going to give him heck for letting Shred-Head hurt him so bad. He wouldn’t be living this one down any time soon. The thought brought a chuckle from his throat that he hadn’t expected; he may not be living long enough to tell Casey about it, so why worry. It wasn’t that he was trying to be negative or give up- Raph never gave up. But he’d been bleeding for the better part of a day now, and it didn’t take a genius to know he was at least a few hours past running out of time.

He wasn’t going to make it home.

The thought caught him off guard, but he couldn’t fully deny it. He wanted to… but couldn’t. Maybe he should have said his goodbyes to Mikey and Don… maybe he should have told them what they meant to him.

_“You guys inspire me. You especially Raph. I’ve always wished I could be as brave as you.”_

Raph sighed; he wasn’t brave. If he was, he’d have manned up and just told his stupid brothers that they were everything to him. Everything. But he didn’t… couldn’t. Even now he tried to convince himself he should tell them the minute he saw them again, but his mind fought against it; reputation and all that. Or maybe he just didn’t want to admit defeat by saying goodbyes.

_“I love you bros…”_

Alright… enough of this crap. He was in rough shape, but since when had he not been able to walk off an injury. He’d find a way to pull through. For his brothers. For Casey. For Sensei.

For his family.

 

* * *

 

“How’s it going over here Don?” Leo asked, sitting Mikey in the chair next to him.

“I think I have it figured out. It’s not a very complicated system, fortunately. Seems like Shredder went for quick and easy.” Don almost seemed to be enjoying himself, other than the constant headache that plagued him and the desperate desire to close his eyes for a month. “How’s he?” He nodded to Mikey as he was lowered into the chair.

“Not good Don. I think his fever’s gotten worse.”

That prompted Donnie to put a hand to his brother’s forehead. It did feel warmer than before. “…It’ll be ok.” His voice was slightly trembling. “If we get him back soon, we can treat it.”

“Doctor Donnie to the rescue…” Mikey mumbled.

“Get ready to head out. I’ll be back with Raph.” Leo didn’t wait for a reply as he took off for his last brother. Almost home. Almost home.

The water was mid-calf by now, so Leo had a harder time running through it. His muscles all screamed in protest as they were pushed beyond every limit they’d ever had. He had to keep telling himself it was almost over, or his body would probably just quit on him then and there. Keep moving. Almost—

Something to his right. He ducked as a throwing star whizzed past his head; the two Foot who had gone to fix the fuse were back. Perfect. Grabbing the nearest sword, Leo turned just in time to block a swipe at his chest. Then one at his arm. His neck. One from above, and— he was too slow! The second soldier had swiped low but his tired muscles weren’t fast enough to block it. He felt blood trickling down his calf as he stepped away to put some distance between them. He was tired, weak, and distracted; all the kind of baggage you didn’t want in a fight.

Gripping his sword with a determined glare, he waited for the Foot to make the first move. Just had to focus. Breathe. They were moving towards him with speed he could only wish for at this point. Holding his stance, he waited, his eyes closed. Focus.

A sword on his right. He parried, swinging around to kick the soldier into the wall. But again, he was too slow to catch the other sword in time. He could feel it coming towards his neck but he couldn’t get his body to react fast enough to catch it.

A sword suddenly came out of nowhere, stabbing the soldier through the right shoulder. It stopped his attack just before he was able to impale the turtle. Leo didn’t hesitate to finish the job, pulling the sword free of it’s prey and grabbing the Foot’s head to throw into the wall. Down for the count.

The ninja in blue turned to see where the weapon came from and blinked in surprise at the site of his brother leaning on the wall by the Foot soldier Leo had pinned near the door. “Raph?”

“You’re movin’… too slow, Fearless.” The younger turtle felt himself falling forward and had no more strength to stop it.

Leonardo caught him. “Nice shootin’ there, Tex.”

“Heh.” Raph coughed slightly. “And that was… left handed too.”

Leo was relieved his brother had his back, but he couldn’t help the worry that clouded his mind at how weak Raph was looking. “You should’ve waited. I think you opened your wound with all that movement.”

“I told ya… You’re movin’ too… slow.” A sudden faintness came over Raph as his legs seem to disappear from underneath.

Leo held his brother tight, slinging an arm over his shoulder. “Show off.” Both shared at grin before Leo snapped himself back to the task at hand. “Let’s get out of here.”

“…Lead the way…” He knew Leo probably wouldn’t catch it, but Raph meant those words as more than a quip. He meant them as a compliment. As a show of trust. As a ‘love ya bro’ of sorts. If only he could just come out and say it like Mikey…

Leo knew Raph wouldn’t take kindly to being thrown into a piggyback like the youngest, but he could feel his brother’s energy draining from him as they walked. The trickle of blood running down Raph’s right side confirmed that the wound had been reopened. Just another reason to get home as fast as possible. He tried to pick up his pace.

“Donnie! You got that thing ready to go?” Leo called as he half dragged his brother through the water.

“I think so.” The controls were relatively simple, and surprisingly Shredder hadn’t added any weaponry to this little escape pod. Like Don said earlier… quick and easy. From what he could tell, the big door to the hangar would close, allowing the room to fill with water so the boat could leave via the giant hatch that made up the opposite wall. So, as long as the place didn’t blow up before the door closed, they would be home free!

Ok, no. Don’t even joke like that. With their luck, the compound might actually blow up, just to spite him.

“How’s Raph?” He called from his seat. The shouting was making his head throb, but hearing his brothers so he knew they were safe was of too much comfort to end.

“Heh. What do you think he’ll do… if I say ‘fine’?”

Leo shook his head at his brother’s antagonist nature. “Still breathing Don. We’re almost to you.”

“Hear that Mikey?” Don asked, placing a hand on his younger brother’s weak form. “We’re almost home!”

“Yaaay…” The weak cheer would have been comical had it been in different circumstances. “Pizza party when we get home… Leo’s treat.”

Don smiled. “I’m sure he’ll apprec—“

“AHH!”

The two younger turtles looked out the window to see Leo and Raph tumble into the water, skidding several feet. Leonardo’s head was bleeding.

“Leo!”

“Stay there Don! Get ready to go!”

“Dude… what’s—“

Another blade rushed towards Leonardo, but he was able to gather himself enough to evade it. He put a hand to his eye ridge; the last dagger had caught him off guard, but fortunately he’d been able to throw Raph down in time so it missed his skull, but he’d been too slow to move entirely out of the way, grazing the blade just above his eyes.

Raph looked to his brother who’s head seemed to be bleeding quite a bit. “Leo… you alright?”

“Stay down Raph.” The elder stepped in front of his brother protectively.

“What the shell is—“As he peered around Leo’s legs, he caught site of their attacker.

Shredder.

He stood near the computer, several swords jutting from his armor. He held out a hand and the weapons he’d thrown magnetized back to him as he glared at Leonardo. “You insolent vermin. You think you can escape so easily!?” He slammed his fist onto a button under a hidden panel on the computer. The lights in the room started flashing red as the computer screens all went blank.

A clock appeared on the black screens, counting down from five minutes.

Self destruct. Shredder was going to blow the whole complex.

“You will not leave here alive!”

Leonardo didn’t wait for Shredder to finish. He turned around and picked up his brother, all but throwing him over his shoulder. “We gotta move!”

“Leo, behind you!” Don called from the ship.

The leader jumped sideways, only barely evading the blade thrown at his legs.

“I told you I would make you watch them die.” Shredder spoke with malice behind every word. “And so you shall!!” Letting out a battle cry, the Jonin lept forward, rushing towards the two fleeing turtles.

Leo caught sight of his enemy coming up behind him fast. Between the water, his tired muscles, the cut on his leg and the added weight of his brother on his shoulders, Leo knew he’d never make it to the ship before Shredder. And he knew what the villain was planning. “Don, close the door!”

“But what about—!”

“Just do it!”

Leo was shouting in his ‘I have a plan’ voice, so Don complied, trusting his brother. He pressed the button to close the hangar door, the familiar sound of metal scraping letting him know it was working.

Both younger siblings watched as their brothers attempted to outrun the enemy behind them. But the Shredder was too fast.

“They’re not gonna make it.” Or at least, not before Shredder caught them.

“Come on Leo…”

Raph saw the door begin to close and their enemy coming up fast behind them. His brother was moving too slow at this rate. He needed to pick up the pace.

He needed to lose the dead weight.

“Fearless, put me dow—“ Suddenly he was pulled from Leo’s shoulders. Had the older already guessed what he was going to ask and complied? Really? Not that Raph was upset, it was just surprising. He was expecting to have to go through the whole rigmarole of ‘just save the others’ and all that bullcrap. It took a moment for him to compute what Leo was doing as he was lifted back in the air again. “What’re you—?”

“Sorry bro. This is gonna hurt.” Grabbing his brother’s shell, Leo lifted him above his head, taking a moment to steady himself as his muscles gave protest. Come on. Just keep going. Just one minute longer. Narrowing his eyes as his brother squirmed above him, Leo started running again.

“Fearless!?”

After a quick charge, Leo gave every ounce of strength in his body to his arms. Please… let this work. “Hang on Raph!”

The red-banded turtle suddenly found himself sailing through the air towards the ship. He turned enough to see where he was before curling his arms around his head to shield himself as he fell from the air, landing hard on his shell.

He’d made it to the boat! Leo had been aiming for inside, but the ramp was the next best thing. At least he was past the hangar door.

Raph shook his head as his mind still tried to catch up with what had just happened.

“You alright, bro?” Mikey asked from his spot. Don had managed to stand long enough to get to Raph, but his legs caved as he tried to head down the ramp. Still too weak. He reached his hands out to clasp his brothers, both using whatever strength they had left to pull him up.

“That idiot… I’ll—“ Raph stopped as he searched for his brother.

The siblings watched as Shredder caught up to their leader, but surprisingly, didn’t attack. He wasn’t headed for Leo.

He was headed for the ship.

Don finally put two and two together: the three turtles on board would be all but helpless to defend themselves if Shredder made it there before their brother. He’d kill them and take the ship for his own escape.

“Leo!”

Don was drawn from his thoughts at Mikey’s cry. He looked up in time to see their elder sibling jump forward, tackling Shredder to the ground. The two wrestled amongst the water before Leo finally came up with Shredder in a formidable headlock.

Raph beamed at his brother’s fighting prowess, waiting for him to toss the metal head and run for the ship. He could still make it!

But Leo didn’t move.

“Come on Fearless!” Raph shouted, his lungs objecting strongly to the forceful effort.

Leo glanced at the ever decreasing clock; three minutes left. Taking a deep breath he looked from Shredder’s struggling form to his brothers. “Donnie, take off!”

“What!?” The genius shook his head. “Come on Leo, this is no time for playing hero!”

“Damn right, Fearless! Get your ass in here!”

Shredder broke free of the hold, but Leo managed to move his grip and pull Shredder’s arms behind him, using his leg to push his body forward. The Jonin countered fiercely as Leo struggled to maintain his hold on him.

“I can’t hold him forever!” He struggled to regain his grip as if to prove his point. “Just get going! You’ve got less than three minutes!”

“Dude, we’re not leaving you!!” Mikey’s voice cracked as he tried to shout, his eyes wide in fear.

Leo nodded to the ever-closing door. “You don’t have a choice.”

He saw the horror in his brothers’ eyes and it stung. He didn't want this. But the minute he let Shredder go, he’d make a break for the ship, and in his condition Leo wouldn’t be fast enough to get there first. The only way to make sure his brothers got out was to keep Shredder occupied.

The only way.

Swallowing his fear, Leo gave his brother’s a determined nod. “Go Donnie.”

“But Leo—“

“GO!”

The brothers could do nothing but watch as their leader was thrown to the ground by Shredder when he finally broke from the hold. The two stood facing each other, ready to attack.

“LEONARDO!” Raph’s shout rang throughout the hangar, stabbing all three turtles’ hearts with fear.

The last thing they saw was their brother and Shredder charging at each other as the door latched closed.


	15. Lost

It was like a dream. None of it seemed real. Three tired brains all sat there, simply trying to compute what had happened.

What had their leader just done?

Fear and disbelief seized the hangar and none of the three dared move. Water rushing and the grunts and groans of a battle were the only sounds in the room. Wide eyes stared at the closed door, denial still trying to will it open with their brother standing there.

But the door remained still. Unmoving. Final.

Leo was still locked out, Shredder was still trying to kill him, and the clock was still counting down.

Were they really supposed to just leave their brother behind?

Don pulled his eyes away from the door, glancing at his other siblings. Had it been just him, he likely would have waited for his older brother, refusing to abandon him to this deathly fate. But he wasn’t alone. Mikey and Raph were with him. Leo had managed to do the impossible: he’d found them an escape. Donnie couldn’t justify taking that away from his two other siblings.

He couldn’t let them all die.

Closing his eyes to steady himself, Donnie set his resolve, forcing himself to move. He felt like he was going to pass out his heart objected so strongly. It shifted between knowing this was right, to scolding him for even thinking such a thing.

Leo told him to go. Leo was their leader. And whether Don wanted to agree with it or not, it was the right call.

He couldn’t believe he was doing this.

Turning to the control panel, Don closed the ship door, bringing the ramp up with it. They had to get moving.

Raph’s eyes blinked incredulously as the ramp rose. “Don’t you dare, Don! We’re not leavin’ him!” He attempted to sit up in his protest, but fell hard on his side, coughing up a spatter of blood. Too much movement.

The purple-clad ninja didn’t respond to his brother’s demands, whirring the ship to life as he prepared to leave.

“Don! Don’t—“

“We have no choice. If we don’t go now, we’ll all…” He couldn’t say it. It meant admitting it was going to happen to Leo and he didn’t have the strength to do that. He pressed a button to open the hatch, too terrified to look at either of his brothers.

This was right. This was the right thing to do. It’s what Leo wanted them to do.

Water flooded the room instantly as the wall opened up.

Raph stared out the window at the sealed door. This couldn’t be happening! They weren’t actually going to leave their own brother behind! He’d be damned if he let that idiot die for him! But his numb body barely allowed him to sit up, let alone go rushing out to the rescue.

Mikey’s hand reached out and touched the window, eyes still wide with fear. “Leo…” It felt like he’d been stabbed and someone was twisting the dagger in his heart. This wasn’t supposed to happen… they were all supposed to get out together!

Donnie steadied his breathing, not able to stop the trembling that shook his hands as he flicked switches and pressed buttons. Finally the room was flooded and Don guided the ship out into open water, not daring to look back.

“Maybe… maybe he’ll find another way out…” Mikey’s weak voice tried to bring hope to the dark vessel, but Donnie couldn’t see how such a thing would be possible.

Shredder would never let up. Leo would be forced to fight for his life, right up until the compound exploded.

His heart lurched at the idea, desperately grabbing onto the small sliver of hope Mikey offered. Maybe it was possible. Maybe somehow Leo could find another way out. They didn’t think he’d make it in time to keep them from drowning, but he did. Somehow he always managed to come through.

Maybe he could again.

“It’s possible… right, Don?” Mikey practically pleaded for someone to agree with him.

“It’s…” Don’s head swam. This was all too much. “It’s possible Mikey. It is Leo… he’s always got a plan.” More than anything, he wanted to believe what he was saying.

Raph didn’t say a word. He leaned against the back wall, a hand coming up to his shoulder and feeling blood still pouring from his wound. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. They were in a nightmare. Had to be a nightmare.

Staring out the window, Mikey begged for a miracle. His vision was blurred and his eyes kept trying to close on him, but he forced himself to keep an eye out. Leo would make it. Any minute now he’d appear, swimming towards the boat. But the farther they got from the complex, the more Mikey had to stretch to convince himself it was still possible. Leo had to be ok. He had to—

Suddenly there was a rumbling through the water. All three brothers’ heads jerked to the window to see bubbles pushing against the boat. Some alarms sounded as Donnie tried to steady the vessel. He managed to get control as the bubbles cleared, revealing the cause of the disruption: the complex had exploded.

Smoke rose from the crumbling remains of broken metal and shattered concrete.

And Leo was nowhere in site.

The three turtles stared at the wreckage, trying to come to terms with what it was. What it meant.

And then it hit them hard.

It was as if they were back in their cells, fighting for air as the water dragged them under. None of them moved. None of them breathed. And none dared speak.

Horror and denial flooded the ship as all three were frozen, eyes wide with despair and disbelief.

It was a nightmare. One of their worst ones come true.

“No…” Mikey couldn’t stop the plea that escaped his lips. Everything inside was coming apart at the seams as he tried desperately to think of a way his brother might have survived. “It… This isn’t… He can’t be…” His mind was too frozen with terror to think straight. Had to be the fever. This was a delusion of some kind. He was sick and his mind was playing tricks on him. His brother couldn’t be gone… there’s no way… “Leo...”

Don heard his brother’s mumbled denials and felt his heart stop. Guilt showered his body with searing pain as he turned his eyes away from the wreckage, physically unable to look at it a moment longer. Leo had been in there. Leo was in the complex when it exploded.

Leo was gone.

Logically, his mind accepted it. But desperate denial clawed away at logic, clouding Don’s mind with doubt. He didn’t want to believe it. He couldn’t… it couldn’t be true.

Silence choked the vessel as grief robbed it of oxygen.

Raph couldn’t tear his eyes from the rubble. Wide with anguish and dissent. He felt his heart beating a mile a minute. This was wrong. This was all wrong! “You… Idiot!!!” his shout pierced through the silence, echoing across the ship.

It should have been him! That had been the agreement, hadn’t it!? If it came down to it, leave him behind! Leo gave his word! How could he go back on his word like that!?

Raph seethed, clenching his hands into fists and desperately wishing he had strength enough to punch a hole through something. He promised! That idiot broke his promise!! A voice in the back of his head reminded him that the deal was made for their younger siblings, not Leo himself.

But that only made Raph angrier. It should have been obvious! Leo knew what he was asking; if push came to shove, leave the guy who was already gonna die of blood loss. He knew what Raph meant! But he ignored it and gave up his stupid life to play hero! And for what!? So Raph could die on the ship instead of the prison!? “Some leader! You arrogant son of a—“

“Raph!”

“How dare you! How dare you pull a stunt like this!”

“Raph…” Don tried to calm his brother, but his mind was too scattered to think of anything intelligent to say.

“You stupid, smug, holier-than-thou, lame-ass! Who died and made you God!?“

How could you?

“You think you get to decide who lives and who dies!?!?”

“Raph—“

“YOU PROMISED!” His shout had pushed him beyond his lung’s capacity, causing him to cough and gasp for breath as he leaned back on his shell against the wall. “You promised…”

You weren’t supposed to be the one… you weren’t supposed to die.

Donnie finally managed to pull himself together enough to kneel beside his brother. Raph only looked away so as not to show the hurt in his eyes.

Without a word, Don put a hand to his brother’s shoulder, not knowing which one them it offered comfort for.

He couldn’t think of anything to say.

Another paralyzing silence usurped the ship as the three siblings tried to come to grips with their new, terrifying reality.

“…It shoulda been me…” Raph’s horse voice once again disturbed the quiet.

Don shook his head at his brother. “Come on Raph. Don’t—“

“I’m dyin’ Don.”

The ninja in purple tensed visibly at the statement. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. You know it. I know it.” He closed his eyes. “Leo knew it.”

“That’s not true!” Don was getting defensive. His body rejected the idea that he might be losing another brother. He could fix this!

Raph didn’t pay his denial any mind. “He shoulda left me. There was no reason… no reason for him to… stay.”

“He did what he had to, Raph.” Don could feel his emotions starting to boil over, his control rapidly fading as he spoke. “He did what any leader would do. What any brother would—“ The words choked in his throat.

“He coulda made it!” Raph calmed himself from shouting further. He didn’t want to take his anger out of his already distressed siblings. “He had… a better chance than I do. He shoulda left me. Should have—“

“Enough Raph!!” Both older turtles turned in surprise to see the youngest standing from his chair, his eyes wide and despairing. “Stop it. Just stop it!” He couldn’t take it anymore. “Leo did what he did because that’s who Leo is!”

Please.

“From the start he was gonna get you out of there no matter how hurt you were!”

Just stop.

“You know that! You know Leo always puts everyone else before himself!”

Stop saying it.

“So stop saying it should have been you! Stop saying he shouldn’t have stayed. “

Please…

“Stop saying you’re going die!!!”

The young turtle suddenly collapsed, falling to his knees as Donnie tried to catch him, but was too slow.

“Please Raph…” He choked, trying helplessly to keep himself together. “We need you… We can’t…” A small sob escaped his throat. “We can’t lose you too…” Saying it out loud had broken the damn. Mikey’s tired mind had no more control.

He wept. Tears flowed freely from his eyes as he bowed his head, his shoulders quaking.

The elder siblings’ hearts broke at the sight.

Ignoring the pain, Raph leaned forward, pulled Mikey to his side and hugged him. The embrace made the turtle cry even more. He buried his face in his brother’s shoulder, the reality of their situation stabbing his heart with grief.

Leo was gone. He was really gone!

Watching his younger brother in such pain had taken Don over the edge. With how exhausted his body was, he had no more strength to hold back his tears. Several streams of water rolled down his cheeks as he continued to try and hold it together. He placed a hand on Mikey’s shell, still unable to think of anything that might offer comfort. What comfort was there? Nothing he could say would change the fact that Leo was…

Raph glanced over and saw Don’s tears. Something broke inside him.

It was killing him to see them like this.

Bruised battered and now emotionally drawn, he realized he hadn’t managed to do his job. He hadn’t protected them. What could he do? How could he ease their pain when his own was so overwhelming? He was lost.

Leo would know what to do. Leo always knew how to comfort them.

But Leo was—… not here. So Raph had to step up to the plate.

Taking an unexpectedly shallow breath and mentally scolding himself for his outburst, Raph closed his eyes as he held his brother close, letting him cry as long as he needed. He’d have given Don the same comfort, but his right arm was still entirely numb; he couldn’t move it if he wanted to.

After only a few minutes, Mikey’s head started spinning again and the tears stopped as he tried to keep his vision from blurring. Wherever that burst of strength had come from, it wasn’t subtle as it left.

Raph felt his brother’s grip lesson and pulled back from the hug. “I’m sorry Mikey… you’re right.” He still felt responsible. Angry, And terrified to admit to Leo’s fate. But he’d sworn to himself he’d make sure his brothers got home safe, so he would hold himself to that. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

He saw the fear still in Mikey’s eyes and added “Scouts honor.”

The young turtle wiped his face. “Yeah, like you’re a scout.”

“Turtle’s honor then.”

“Alright, I’ll take it.” Mikey leaned against his older brother, taking comfort in his presence. He closed his eyes to stop the spinning as his body reminded him of how ill he was with the sudden nausea that flooded his stomach. But he paid it no mind. He listened intently to the sound of Raph’s heartbeat thumping in his chest. He needed to hear it. Needed to be sure his brother was still with him.

Raph kept his arm over Mikey’s shell, only just noticing how cold the kid was. His skin was freezing! And judging by Don’s trembling hands, his temperature was probably the same.

They needed to get home.

“You alright Don?”

The younger turtle seemed surprised by the sudden question as he tore his eyes away from the ground. “Yeah, I’m… fine. Just exhausted.” Shaking his head as his moment of emotional weakness finally passed, he turned back to Raph. For the first time he was able to get a good look at his brother’s injuries and they were… horrifying: several gashes and lacerations that looked clotted, but still painful, as well as scorch marks on almost every inch of his skin. Scooting closer, Don took a look at Raph’s stab wounds. Leo had been right, they were definitely deep, possibly through and through. How on earth had Leo managed to get them to clot?

Because that’s who their leader was; he made the impossible happen.

Don’s breath hitched as a wave of grief rolled over him. No, not now. He had to focus on getting them home. And fast. The quicker his two siblings got medical attention, the better. They were both long past due at this point.

He could grieve when they were safe.

Looking around the small vessel, Don hoped to find a first aid kit or some bandages or at least some water, but spotted none of the above. Shredder must not have used this boat for anything other than charting to the surface and back. Don sighed.

“Hey… You sure you’re alright?” Raph’s voice was surprisingly gentle.

“Fine. Just…” He breathed in deep. “Let’s go home guys.”

The brothers all looked out the window at the wreckage once more as Donnie sat back in his seat and drove off.

None of them had the strength to look back as the smoke and carnage disappeared out of site.

 

* * *

 

It had been nearly half an hour since the explosion and Don couldn’t figure out how they hadn’t hit land yet. With such a small vessel, there’s no way Shredder had the complex this far from civilization. They should have spotted something –anything- by now.

But all they could see was ocean. It didn’t look like anything was around for miles.

Where on earth were they?

All the ship offered for navigation was a compass, but that did no good for Donnie. He had no idea where they were on the globe, so there was no way to know which direction he should be going. His instincts told him to head north, but if Shredder had taken them to Canada or Iceland, north would only take them farther from home.

After fiddling with the controls a while, Don did find an autopilot, but was hesitant to use it. It could be routed back to the complex instead of the surface. And even if it did take them to land, it was likely to drive them into another of Shredder’s bases. The leader may be gone, but Don doubted that would stop the minions from attacking. And none of the passengers on the boat would be able to put up a fight.

Sucking in a deep breath as his eyes threatened to close, Don engaged the autopilot. He’d just have to chance it. If he saw any kind of land mass appear, he’d disengage and find his own way from there. The boat dove under the surface once more as Don leaned back in his chair, his body aching with every movement. He was sure he’d never known this level of exhaustion before. And for Don, that was saying something. He’d forget to sleep for days when he was tinkering with a new invention or calculating a new formula. But this was something different. This wasn’t just physical exhaustion, it was emotional. Everything in him was completely drained.

As he turned to glance at his siblings still huddled against the back wall, he could see the same lack of energy in their forms. Though for them it was more likely to do with their injuries than lack of sleep. The fact that Mikey’s fever hadn’t thrown him comatose by now was nothing short of a miracle, and Don couldn’t even attempt to explain how Raph had managed to hold on as long as he was; every rule of medicine dictated that he should have lost too much blood by now. But Don didn’t question it. He could figure out a ‘how’ after they were no longer teetering on the brink of death.

Taking a moment to gather his strength, Donnie walked back to his siblings, half sitting, half falling at Raph’s right side. “How you feeling?”

The older turtle’s eyes blinked slowly, as if his mind was trying to find the strength to move them at all.

“Raph?”

“Don…“ It took a moment for Raph to shake his head of the haziness. “At the risk of sounding… like Mikey… are we there yet?”

Despite the weakness in his voice, Don appreciated that his brother was still in good humor. “Soon. I finally figured out the autopilot.”

“Finally…” Raph had the strange urge to rub his brother’s head in a ‘good job’ manner, but fortunately his arm was still numb. And he wasn’t moving the one around Mikey. He was trying to do his best to keep the youngest warm, even though he doubted his frozen skin was doing much good.

“How’re you feeling? Any dizziness? Numbness? Blurred vision?”

“Heh, try all of the above.”

Don noticed Raph hadn’t moved his right arm since they got on the ship. “You can’t feel it, can you?”

The elder didn’t need to look to know what Don was talking about. “Haven’t for a while.”

“Any other numbness?”

Raph heard the fear creeping into his brother’s voice and wished he had some sort of comfort to offer. “Yeah… most everywhere at this point.” He watched Don close his eyes, a grim expression on his face. “Hey… don’t get all serious on me now. I’ll be OK…” He huffed from all the talking, wishing once again he could comfort his brother with at least a hand to his shoulder. When did he get so touchy feely?

Don accepted the denial, not able to allow himself to think realistically at the moment. He was too fragile. He knew if he let himself accept the truth of Raph’s condition, he’d completely break down. And he needed to stay strong. At least until they got home.

Reaching a hand over to his younger brother, Don felt his forehead. Still burning up. He didn’t know why he expected anything less. Mikey was curled up as close to his older brother as possible, clinging to him for comfort and warmth. His body was shivering and his eyes were glossed over from fever. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.

“Mikey? You ok over there?” Don snapped a finger in his brother’s face, pulling him from whatever daydream he’d been having.

“Huh?” The young turtle looked at both his brothers as they seemed to stare at him in concern. “Still here bros…” Right? Still here? His mind jumbled as it tried to remember how to think straight. “Are… we there yet?” Both brothers couldn’t help a grin and Mikey felt like he’d missed something. “What?”

“Almost home little bro.” Raph gave his arm a reassuring squeeze, but it was a lot weaker than he’d been hoping for.

Mikey’s eyes began to close as he spoke. “Good…”

“Hey, no sleeping yet Mikey.” Raph shook his arm until his brother’s eyes peeled open.

“Just… a little nap. I’m tired dudes…”

“We know Mikey.” Don put his hand on his brother’s other shoulder. “Just hang tough. You can sleep when we get home.”

“Heh,” Mikey smiled weakly. “Thought ‘tough’ was Raph’s shtick.”

“It’s on loan.” Raph coughed slightly. “You be the ‘tough guy’... till we get home.”

“Does this mean I get your muscles too?”

Both Don and Raph chuckled lightly at that. “Sure Mikey… as long as I… get your skateboard.”

“No deal bruh.” The young turtle sighed. He really wished he could just close his eyes to the pain; everything outside was aching and everything inside was nauseous. Not his favorite combination. “I’d give you the board if it meant getting home faster.”

“Sorry Mikey.” Don knew that was probably his bad. They really should have at least been able to pinpoint their location by now. “Just stay strong a little longer, ok? We’ll be home soon.”

Mikey’s mind flashed back to Leo saying almost those exact words before he’d carried the younger turtle to the ship. Clinging tighter to Raph, Mikey lowered his head, trying to dispel the memory. He knew his brothers were trying to be strong for him, and he wanted to pay them back in kind by staying positive. But the hole in his heart made him cringe with sorrow every time he thought of Leonardo.

Another thought entered his mind without warning and Mikey didn’t have a chance to stop it before he spoke. “How are we going to tell Sensei…?”

The room froze as the elder brothers tensed, hearts burning with grief. Neither had an answer to that. The thought of their Father’s anguished face when he found out his eldest son’s fate… it was too much. Both Raph and Don had to shake their heads of the thought.

Not now. Worry about it when you’re home.

Mikey felt Raph’s arm wrap further around him, pulling him closer. He didn’t have a good answer, so he didn’t bother trying to offer a stupid one. Mikey welcomed the comfort, but it was suddenly interrupted by a blood filled coughing fit from the older brother. His skin was so pale…

Donnie held Raph steady before putting his hand to the wounds on his shoulders. “You’re bleeding again.”

“What else is new…”

“Good thing I keep plenty back at the lab.”

“Is that why you stick us with needles every month?” Mikey asked, trying to be part of the conversation and keep himself distracted from the pain his brother was in.

“Yes Mikey.” Don shook his head. “What did you think it was for?”

“Evil experiments. Cloning. DNA something-or-other. I have a list…”

Mikey felt Raph chuckle against his body. “Who would want… to clone you…numb-nuts?”

“I don’t think the world’s ready for two Mikey’s.” Don smiled at the thought. Twice the talking. But twice the positivity…

“Oh, but two Donnie’s is ok?”

“Two?” Both brothers looked to him.

“Yeah… One,” he pointed at his brother. “and two.” He pointed to the air beside Don.

“Are you seeing double?” the middle brother’s voice suddenly sounded worried.

“Double?” Mikey held his hand in front of his face. “Nah dude… triple. I have nine fingers!” He wiggled them in front of his face until his arm could no longer hold his hand up and fell back to the ground. “That’s… not normal… is it?”

Don shuffled around to sit beside Mikey, wiping Raph’s blood onto his pants. “Mikey, look at me.”

The younger turtle tried to focus on his brother, but his head wouldn’t stop swaying and his eyes felt like they were rolling around in his skull. “Whoa… cool…” Three Donnie’s sat in front of him with a hand to his cheek.

“Don?”

“It’s his fever.” The purple-clad turtle tried to hold his voice steady. “Whatever adrenaline had been keeping him from delirium must have worn off.”

“He gonna be ok?”

Donnie paused as he watched Mikey wiggle his fingers in front of his face again, clearly delighted that he had so many right now. “I… don’t know. He needs an antiseptic. A strong one. And his fever has to come down soon or else…”

Raph didn’t like the sound of that pause. “Or else… what?”

“Fevers can do a lot of things…” Don sighed as his hands trembled. “They can induce coma’s, hallucinations, seizers, intracranial hemorrhages—“

“Alright, I get it. What do we do?”

“Nothing.” Don’s voice was breaking as he spoke. “There’s nothing I can do. We have no blankets, no water, no antibiotics- nothing! Until we get home, I can’t do anything to help him!”

“Calm down Don…” Mikey tried to put a hand on his brother’s shoulder but he reached for the wrong Donnie and grabbed at air instead.

“I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t help you –either of you!- but I can’t just sit here and watch you—“ He stopped himself from breaking down. Not now. Not yet. Like he told Mikey: just stay strong a bit longer. He could let his emotions break every damn he’d built once they were safely back home. Taking a deep, calming breath, he closed his eyes to clear his mind.

“Don…” Mikey finally managed to find the right brother and put a hand to his shoulder. “Dude… you’re cold.”

Donnie barely even noticed anymore. Tiredness and cold had become so much a part of him these past twenty-four hours that it wasn’t something he registered on a conscious level.

Mikey managed to get a hold of his mind again and pulled his brother close, wrapping the elder’s arm around his shoulder and over Raph’s. “Cuddle up bro.”

Don didn’t have the strength to argue. And admittedly, it felt comforting to hold his brothers close like this. To know they were there. To feel them breathing, even if it was strained.

“Don’t worry Don…” Raph paused to suppress another cough. “We’ll be home soon. Everything’ll be alright…”

The three held each other as they watched the water move around the ship, occasionally passing a fish of some sort. Exhaustion overtook the vessel as the comfort the brothers shared became too peaceful. Their eyes slid closed as all three fell victim to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Raph felt darkness grasping at his body. It surrounded him, swarming like buzzards, waiting for the kill. Squawking at him.

Wait… buzzards didn’t squawk did they?

His mind protested as he forced it through the haze and tried to think straight. What was that noise?

An alarm.

Raph’s eyes snapped open. A light on the control panel was flashing, but he had no idea what it was for. His eyes focused out the window and saw a shape. What was that? A whale?

Freighter. It was a freighter. And they were headed straight for it. Looking to his left, Mikey and Don both lay passed out beside him, completely unaware of the noisy warning.

Raph cursed under his breath. He thought this thing was on autopilot, didn’t it know how to evade an oncoming ship!? He reached his arm over to try and shake Donnie awake, but his brother didn’t move. “Don! Don, wake up!”

The turtle was lost to unconsciousness.

He tried shaking Mikey awake, but both eyes remained closed.

Raph cursed again. He could barely feel his legs, let alone gather enough strength to move them. He shook his middle brother again. “Donnie! Come on! We need—“ His shouts were once again interrupted by a coughing fit. Apparently his lungs had had enough and were protesting their overuse.

Taking a deep breath, Raph tried to keep himself from panicking. Not just because they were about to hit an enormous boat, but also because neither of his brothers were opening their eyes and he was terrified it wasn’t just because they were sleeping. The thought made him check for pulses on both them. The faint thrum against his fingers thankfully confirmed they were breathing, but Raph didn’t think either was very strong.

Later. The most immediate problem was the boat. Worry about the rest after that’s been dealt with.

Inhaling deeply once more, Raph tried to force his legs to move. He managed a slight slide from one, but nothing else. “Come on…” Had to do better than that. Another breath. Focus. If he managed to get out of here, he swore he’d pay closer attention when Splinter taught them healing mantras. For now, strength of will would have to do.

He calmed himself, focusing his mind. Master Splinter was always saying how much stronger the mind was than the body. He just had to focus…

The boat was getting closer.

Raph took one more look at his unconscious siblings before throwing himself into one last attempt at standing. “Move, dammit!!” Finally he was up. His body had allowed him to stand so suddenly that his feet didn’t know what to do once his weight was put on them and he fell forward, hitting the ground hard. Mikey and Don had slid to the ground as their prop had moved away.

“Almost got it…” Dragging himself to the controls with his good arm, he looked at the buttons and growled in frustration: he had no idea how this thing worked. It had taken the genius half an hour to figure out the autopilot, how was he supposed to do it 15 seconds. And in his experience, pressing buttons at random lead to trouble.

What could he do!? He grabbed the two pronged wheel and tried turning it. No response. Great! The freighter was less than inches away from hitting them when it turned, just barely grazing the side of their little lifeboat. Raph breathed a sigh of relief, slumping against the chair. That was way too close…

Another object came into view. This one kept getting bigger, reaching deep into the water. “Ah, Crud…” Raph breathed, realizing what it was.

Land. It was land.

His mind reeled, trying to figure out what to do: he could try pressing buttons, but what if he accidentally blew them up- he wouldn’t put it past Shredder to put a self destruct on a boat like this. But if he did nothing they’d blow up anyway by way of a crash.

“Shell Don… you picked a heck of a time… to pass out on me.”

Looking around for anything that might be useful, Raph found one button that he was sure he knew what it did: the lever below the control panel with yellow and black diagonal lines around it.

Eject. He was almost positive.

But what good did that do him? His brother’s weren’t waking up and he barely had the strength to lean against the chair, let alone swim with both brothers on his back.

He looked to his two younger siblings as fear crept around his heart. His mind drifted back to Leonardo, flying through several memories: giving Don CPR, carrying Mikey off to the ship, and throwing Raph to the safety of the ramp. The elder turtle watched as his mind replayed the last determined nod his brother had given them before he was locked inside that death trap.

No. He wouldn’t let it end like this. Leo had fought to the last to save their lives. There was no way in hell he was going to let that be for nothing.

Dragging himself back towards his brothers, he grabbed up the two oxygen masks that rested near the door, sliding them over his siblings’ faces.

He didn’t know what he thought he was doing. The lever could be a self-destruct and blow them up. The lever could do nothing and they’d hit the ever growing land mass and drown. And even if the universe aligned to make neither of those things happen AND gave him the strength to swim away, he had no idea where to swim to. Or how deep they were. Or even if he’d make it to the surface before running out of breath.

But what other choice did he have?

He had no idea what was going to happen. The only thing he was certain of was that he refused to do nothing.

He refused to let them die.

Unwrapping the sports tape that Leo had wrapped around his injured arm, Raph used his teeth to tear it in half, giving him two lengthy pieces. He tied Mikey’s hands together in front of him, then did the same to Donnie. Sitting on his knees, he threw his brothers’ arms over his head, letting them hang around his neck like a hoola-hoop. He gave a slight pull on the tape and their oxygen masks, making sure they were both secure.

The landmass was so close, Raph could see the metal. Possibly a city harbor or something? Good. That was a good sign.

Taking a moment to gather his fortitude, Raph exhaled and inhaled sharply several times, like one might do before jumping off a cliff.

Or doing something equally as crazy.

Like swimming with one arm, numb legs, and two weights on his back.

Repeatedly forcing himself to believe he had the strength to do this, Raph crawled toward the controls, the weight of his brothers already feeling like far too much.

No. He could do this. He had to.

“Hang on bros… I’ll get ya home… Just hang on.”

Deep breath Raph.

Here we go.

He pulled the lever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Pull the lever, Kronk."
> 
> "Wrong lever!"
> 
> Tell me you didn't picture that as you read the last line.


	16. Words Unsaid

And just like that, they were gone.

It hadn’t occurred to him until that very moment due to Shredder’s attacks grabbing all his attention, but Leo suddenly realized that was the last time he’d see his brothers. Ever.

The thought made him pause, which gave Shredder an opening to clock Leo in the jaw, sending him flying back into the water.

The ninja in blue was quick to recover, wiping some blood from the cut on his lip. He threw himself back into the fray, dodging this way and that as Shredder continued to swipe at him with his blades.

That was it. That was the last time.

He’d never again get to swell with pride at Donatello’s latest brilliant creation.

Never get to bathe in the glow of Mikey’s unending positivity and potential.

Never get to watch as Raph grew into a better person –and leader- than Leo could ever hope to be.

They were gone.

A swipe at his left sent him diving through the water, out of the way. His hand came across something metal: one of the Foot’s swords. He picked up the weapon to defend himself, just barely lifting it in time to catch Shredder’s downward stroke at his neck.

There was so much he wanted to say. So much he wanted to teach. To show. To share.

He wanted to teach them how to see their own value, so they’d never again feel like they weren’t important on the team or in the family. Teach them what true strength was and how he’d seen it in every one of them.

He wanted to share his knowledge and focus, to help them grow in their own journeys through life. To share his experiences so they wouldn’t make the same mistakes he did.

And more than anything, he wanted to show them how much they meant to him. How much he cherished them. How much he missed the old days of being able to play around and get into trouble without having to be the responsible wet-blanket.

Leo blocked another swipe to his right, but the gash in his arm from his previous battle protested, making him falter and have to duck to avoid the blade.

No. He shouldn’t feel regrets. He shouldn’t let himself go down that road.

His brothers were safe. More than anything, that’s what mattered.

But still… he wished he could at least speak with them, one last time.

What would he say?

Shredder threw water in Leo’s face, blinding him momentarily, but the turtle in blue felt the attack coming at his side like a sixth sense. He parried, spinning around to elbow his enemy in the back, sending him under the hip deep water.

To Mikey, he would say to keep shining. No matter what the world tells you –or your brothers for that matter- keep being that positive light you’ve always been. The world needs your excitement, your warmth, and your childlike abandon. Your heart for others is a rare commodity these days, so don’t let fear of getting hurt make you hide it. You don’t need to be serious and stiff to be a leader for others. Just keep smiling.

Shredder’s foot caught around Leo’s knee, sending him backwards. He gasped as the water engulfed him momentarily. Shredder’s sword came at him and struck his shoulder before he could move in time, but it was a superficial wound. He spun and stood, readying his blade.

To Donnie, he wouldn’t bother telling him he’s a genius; they told him that all the time. So Leo would remind him of how strong he was. Mind and Body. You see things for their possibilities and what they can become, not just what they appear to be, and it’s that quality that makes you the one everyone trusts with their secrets and their struggles. Because they know –we know- that you’ll never judge us for feeling weak, but show us how strong we are instead. Don’t ever forget how important you are.

Swords were thrown to his left and right, forcing Leo to swipe wide in order to stop them. Suddenly Shredder came in close, cutting down from above. Leo raised his blade to block, his legs crying out at the pressure they were put under.

And to Raph.

To Raph he would have no words. Too many words.

There was far too much left unsaid between him and his brother. Far too much that shouldn’t have been said at all. Even now, literally only minutes away from death, Leo couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t sound patronizing, condescending, or cliché.

So to Raph, he would be simple. He would be plain. I respect you. I look up to you. And I love you. I always have, and I always will.

A sword nearly slashing his face as he barely managed to move in time brought Leo back to the battle. He was unfocused, tired, and still terrified his brothers weren’t going to get away. He was certain he’d be dead already had Shredder not been so badly injured by the shocks. He needed to get his head in the game.

But what did it matter?

He’d never see his family again. His brothers were safe. The complex would explode in just over a minute… why keep going? Why prolong it?

Why not just let the pain end?

…Because of his family.

Because when he was named leader, he promised himself he would never quit on them, no matter how tough the situation.

Because he promised them it would all be ok.

And because if their places were reversed, he would never forgive them if they just gave up like that.

Leo’s eyes narrowed as he focused his mind on the battle. It wasn’t over yet.

“You insolent mutant! You think you’ve won!? You think staying here will protect your family!?”

Shredder came at him with a flurry of strikes and Leo took notice of where they faltered; he was moving slower on his downward attacks, likely due to his fried skin having greater contact with the metal armor when his arms were higher in the air.

“They’ll never survive the trip home. They weren’t even strong enough to walk on their own! They’ll die out there, and you’ll have perished for nothing!”

“You don’t know my brothers.” Leo blocked, countering every strike with one of his own. Another clash of metal as the two met blade with blade, faces inches apart. “They were at your mercy for three days and you couldn’t break them. They’ve already proven the truth…”

Both were pulled back as Shredder attacked again, Leo blocking in a manner that left his upper defenses open. The Jonin took the bait, bringing his sword in the air to throw an attack from above.

Now or never. Shredder’s movement slowed on his upward stroke, giving Leo time to land a kick to his enemy’s chest. The hit was enough to distract Shredder the turtle came around, grabbing him by the neck and throwing him to the ground, pinned against his knee.

Catching Shredder by his helmet, Leo pulled his head above water, arching the Jonin’s back to a painful angle as he glared in his face.

“My brothers are stronger than you’ll ever know.”

Leo stabbed his sword through Shredder’s leg, ignoring the shout of pain as he pinned his enemy to the ground. The sword could be pulled free of course, but it would make Shredder slower, and that was all the advantage Leo needed right now.

Half swimming, half running, Leo booked it to the other side of the room where the Jonin had his wall of weapons. He grabbed the clear katana Mikey had described and took off towards the prison. The Foot soldier that was near the door was almost entirely under water, still unconscious. Leo grabbed his arm and threw him towards Shredder, away from the door. He had a hunch.

“Get back here! You coward! What honor is there in running from a fight!?” Leo heard Shredding calling after him as he finally pulled the sword from his leg, venom dripping from his every word.

The turtle didn’t wait for his enemy to follow, running through the corridor as fast as possible with the rushing water. It was past his stomach now, and making it very difficult to move at all. As he moved through the hallway he heard the door behind him begin to close. Yes! He’d been right! The door was automatic; the button opened it, but it would close the minute no one was there. And Shredder hadn’t made it to the door in time.

Not wasting time to bathe in his victory, Leo headed into the prison. He’d glanced at the clock as he’d past the door so he knew he was low on time.

Thirty seconds.

Images of his brothers’ anguished faces staring at him from the ship as the door closed filled his mind.

He could make it. He had to.

Grabbing the hilt of the sword, Leo felt the switch beneath his hand and pressed it, activating the heat. The blade lit up to a fiery red as Leo approached the wall where the water poured from. If he could cut through that grate, he could swim free. Whether he could make it to the surface on one breath was unknown, but this was his best shot.

He had to take it.

Swinging at the metal grate with whatever strength he had left, Leo cut into the metal bars, slowly melting and cutting away the top and bottom of each steel cylinder that grated the window. It took longer than he’d hoped, but the cold water mixed with the heat from his blade actually seemed to help the process. He managed to cut down one. Then two. Then three.

Twenty seconds.

He heard shouts from beyond the door; Shredder was crying out.

Leo didn’t hear what he said, but he paid it no mind as he continued to work at cutting the window open. One more.

Finally, all the bars were sawed from their spot, leaving Leo just enough space to wiggle through. He dropped the sword, grabbing the window ledge and pulling himself up against the raging water. The force of the ocean rushing through the opening knocked him back, but he was quick to pull himself up again. He squirmed through, legs first so the rushing water wouldn’t drown him on his way out, having to fight rather hard against the current to keep himself from falling forward.

Managing to get most of his body out, Leo readied his mind for what was to come next. Inhaling and exhaling several times to calm himself, he mentally prepared for the fact that this might be his last breath for some time.

He was ready.

Ten seconds.

Leonardo breathed deep, focusing his mind as he pulled himself free of the window. The water sucking through the opening caught him in it’s current as he tried to turn around, pushing him against the outer wall with his arm caught inside the window. He corrected himself, gathering enough strength to pull free, when suddenly the stream began to wean off. Leo opened his eyes, ignoring the stinging of the salt water, to see the metal sheet that sealed the window was beginning to slide closed. He tried to pull his arm free in time, but the suction had been too much and the metal pressed his arm tight into the wall as it tried to slide fully closed.

Leo was trapped.

Five seconds.

He pulled as hard as he could but the metal was digging into his skin, refusing to relinquish it’s hold.

Four seconds.

A small suffocated cry escaped Leo’s throat, tracing bubbles past his face as he strained against the closing window with all the strength he was sure he didn’t have anymore.

Three seconds.

His arm ran red with blood as he managed to pull it out a few inches so only his upper wrist was still caught, but that allowed the metal sheet to slide closer to the wall, crushing his arm tighter in it’s grip.

Two.

Propping his feet against the outer wall, Leo used his other arm to pull the sliding metal away from his wrist. The steel fought against his hand, desperately trying to complete it’s track to the wall. Using his legs, Leo pulled on his arm with all his might. Come on!!! COME ON!!

One.

NO!

 

* * *

 

Splinter’s eyes snapped open as he clutched his chest, a hand coming out to catch his fall as his breathing seemed to stop. His eyes were wide with fear as his heart ceased to beat. He’d been meditating when all of a sudden a wall of grief struck him like an explosion. “Leonardo… ”

He didn’t know what happened: he’d seen a fierce light, smelled something burning, then nothing. Then his eldest’s presence was gone. “No…” This could not be. This empty feeling in his heart could not mean what he feared.

He was just worried. Tired. It had to have been a trick of the mind.

Standing on shaky legs, Splinter grabbed his cane and headed out of his room towards the kitchen. Some calming tea would do him good. Clear his mind.

It had been over 15 hours since his last vision of his sons, and not much had happened since. Splinter, Casey, April, and Leatherhead had all searched relentlessly with nothing to show for it. They had searched the sewers, the parks, and the industrial areas. They’d searched the harbors, the lakes and rivers. Every street, every building, every rock in New York had been overturned and examined.

And still nothing.

No sign of his children. No sign that they had been taken. Or where. Or how.

And Splinter was going out of his mind.

His calm exterior remained, particularly when he was around the others, but inside he was screaming. Desperation had grown to heartache as every hour passed without him holding his boys again. He knew they were alive. He’d felt it. But he also knew they were in pain and that knowledge was killing him.

He was a father who wasn’t able to protect his children.

But he couldn’t feel the guilt of that now. Until his boys were found, he couldn’t feel anything.

As he walked through the main room, he saw April at Donatello’s computer, searching for hits of Foot activity anywhere in the Manhattan area. Casey was nearby, blowing off steam as he beat up Raphael’s punching bag. The two didn’t seem to notice him come in the room, which he was grateful for; he wasn’t sure he could hide the fear in his eyes after the vision he’d just seen, and he didn’t want to worry them.

Filling the kettle with water, Splinter looked around the room at the chairs that still lay strewn about the table. The plume of dust that had fallen during his eldest sons latest bout still littered the floor.

This had been the last place his family had been together.

Splinter felt his chest tighten at the thought, closing his eyes to the agony that wanted to wash over him. He had to remain in control. He would see his boys again. They would all be around this table once more, fighting for the last scrap of pizza before electing one of them to dish duty.

He would find them. Soon. He had to.

Swallowing his worry, Splinter poured some tea and drank it slowly, allowing the herbs to calm his frayed nerves. When he felt in control enough, he poured another cup and walked from the kitchen to where April sat, placing a paw on her shoulder.

She jumped at the contact, her mind having been entirely elsewhere. “Master Splinter!” Her surprised tone calmed quickly as he offered her a slight smile.

“I thought you might like something to soothe your mind.” He said quietly, placing the cup beside the keyboard.

“Oh,” She looked to the tea and attempted a smile. “Thank you.”

“April, is everything alright?” The dark circles under her eyes spoke volumes as to how worried she was, and she’d been staring at the computer, typing furiously since he’d gone to meditate an hour ago.

“Fine! Fine! Just… tired I guess.” Which she was. Tired of coming up empty in her search. They knew the turtles were with Shredder and still they hadn’t been able to find a trace of where they’d gone in almost four days. The things that Shredder could do to them in four days… She shuddered at the thought.

“What were you looking at?” Splinter gestured to the computer.

“Oh, it’s… well, it’s a fan website.” She turned back around to the monitor, feeling slightly foolish.

“A fan website?” Splinter repeated quizzically. “For what?”

“For Shredder. “ She brought up the page again. “He has several fan pages all over the internet, but there’s this one where his fans get a little… crazy. Like, stalker crazy. They’re always posting the latest heist or crime scenes where the Foot have either claimed responsibility or were suspected to be the culprits. There’s photo’s and maps and an enormous archive of their previous activity.”

Splinter looked at the site in subdued awe; there were actually people out there who thought of Saki as a hero? Who admired him for his crimes?

April read his expression and nodded her head. “I know, it’s crazy right? But there are fanatics for everything nowadays.” Splinter didn’t respond so April continued. “Anyway, I managed to find one guy on here who’s been able to predict the past 10 Foot heists based on their previous activity, and I thought he might be able to give us a lead as to where they’ll strike next.”

“It is unlikely that a robbery would lead to information about those Saki has captured.”

“True, but if we can get our hands on one of his soldiers, maybe we can pry some information from him? It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?”

Splinter knew there was no way a Foot soldier would ever betray their Master, but he appreciated the effort April had put into this plan. He placed his hand on her shoulder once more. “Will you keep me updated?”

“Of course.” She gave a comforting smiled before returning to her typing. She was literally willing to try anything if it would lead to finding her friends. Literally anything.

Not wanting to disturb Casey as he continued unfurling his wrath on the punching bag, Splinter walked back to the kitchen to fetch some more tea. His mind was still clouded with too many emotions to try meditating yet.

He couldn’t shake the feeling. The hole in his heart had not disappeared; his eldest son’s presence was still nowhere to be found.

Filling the kettle once more, Splinter sat at the table, unable to hold himself up on his shaking legs anymore. His body was reminding him of how old he’d grown. Though even in his youth there were days where it felt just as impossible to stand against the weight of the world. When he had lost his wife and daughter, he’d had several months where the mere act of walking was too much. Grief had consumed him so completely, he’d felt it impossible to pull himself from it’s grip.

It was then that he had found his sons.

That fateful day outside the pet shop changed his life in ways he’d long thought impossible. The universe had granted him a second chance. A new reason to find beauty in the world.

A new reason to keep going.

His four children had brought joy back into his life. Brought excitement and curiosity and love.

They’d brought him family.

Without their presence, Splinter couldn’t be certain he’d have made it out of that dark pit in his life. He may have lost himself to despair.

Which is what he was sure he’d do if his sons were gone. If they didn’t find them. If Saki took them from this world.

Splinter didn’t even realize the kettle whistling, bringing Casey into the kitchen to turn off the stove. “Master Splinter?” His voice was laced with concern as he knelt beside the wise rat, trying to catch his eye.

“Casey?” Splinter shook his head. “I am sorry. I was… lost in a memory.”

The young vigilante placed a hand on Splinter’s shoulder, determination burned into his eyes. “We’ll find ‘em Master Splinter. We will.”

Splinter closed his eyes, the faintest smile crossing his lips as he buried his fears as deep they’d go. “Yes, we will.”

Please…

 

* * *

 

Raph had never felt such an adrenaline rush in his entire life, which was saying something, given the events of the past few days.

Bubbles and smoke had skewed his vision as he tried to navigate away from the wreckage that was their lifeboat.

It had been close. So close.

Raph had managed to pull the lever only moments before the ship collided with land, so his body had been thrown about by the force of the blast as he tried to swim away. He almost lost Mikey as the ensuing wave threw his baby brother from his back; fortunately Raph’s right arm decided to miraculously work again and he was able to grab up his brother before he was lost to the depths.

His mind didn’t even register that only moments ago he’d been barely able to breathe, let alone move, as it was sent into overdrive and he frantically fought to think of his next step.

He was swimming. His legs were kicking, his arms were moving, and both his brothers were breathing into their masks, safely in tow. Good. Next problem: where was he supposed to swim to? From what he could tell they were still pretty deep –at least twenty feet or so- and while he was sure he could swim that in one breath, he didn’t know what was up there. If they were near any kind of population, they’d likely be spotted and that would cause a whole new world of trouble that Raph wouldn’t have the strength to deal with.

But his lungs were already screaming for air as his muscles begged to be allowed to rest. He needed to find a solution. Now.

Forcing himself to keep moving forward, Raph swam along the island –or whatever it was- they hit, silently begging for a solution to present itself.

Every stroke he took made his mind cloud over, as though it was preparing to pass out. It was nothing but sheer force of will that kept Raph conscious and moving as he swam for his life. For his brother’s lives.

He would get them home. He could do this. Just keep moving. Focus. Leo says there’s always a solution. Always a way out.

As if trying to prove Leo right, Raph spotted a series of large pipes sticking out from the land in the distance. Run-off sewer outfalls. He was sure of it.

Silently thanking his older brother, the red-banded ninja headed for the spouts with all the strength he had left. They were right above the surface, so he’d be risking being spotted, but at least this way he had an exit and wouldn’t be forced to just bob in the water while people took pictures. And from the looks of things, daylight was waning, which meant fewer people. Hopefully.

This just might work.

Raph swam for all he was worth. He glanced back periodically to make sure his brothers’ masks still fogged from breath. They were almost there. If they could make it to the sewer, they’d be OK. Raph had no clue if they were anywhere near New York –or even America for that matter- but that was another problem. One he could deal with after his brothers were safely above water.

His muscles cried in agony as they were pushed way beyond every reasonable limit. His lungs burned, desperate for oxygen as he pressed towards the outfall.

Had to reach it. Just hold out a little longer.

Spots blurred his vision and Raph realized his brain was at the point of wanting to take over and force him to pass out so he’d breathe. Almost there… come on, almost there!

His eyes began to close and he panicked, swimming up for a breath. Air sucked itself into his lungs as he tried not to let himself gasp. Taking stock of the area, Raph was relieved to see no one around; he’d been right about it being some kind of harbor; it had several ships tied to the docks, but all were abandoned at the moment. Noise came from what Raph could only guess was a nearby pub of some sort. The turtle thanked his lucky stars.

For once, the universe seemed to be on his side.

Suddenly he fell under water, grasping for air before the sea engulfed him once more. His legs were giving out. He couldn’t feel anything anymore except the exhaustion and the desperate need to close his eyes for all eternity.

Forcing his arms to do all the work, Raph clawed his way back to the surface, grabbing the bottom of the pipe for support. It was then that he realized another problem; the pipe was a good foot out of the water… how on earth was he going to get up there? It didn’t look very high, but the idea of trying to pull himself up with how little strength he had –while also carrying his two brothers- seemed like more than an impossibility.

Raph shook his head; he didn’t think he’d have been able to swim either, but here they were. Attempting to take a deep breath, which only turned into a choked cough, he gathered himself and set his eyes on the drain. Darkness started to cloud his vision as everything seemed to be going numb.

No! Not yet. He had to get his brothers to safety.

Grabbing the edge of the pipe, Raph pulled up, straining his arms in the toughest chin-up he’d ever done. His body rejected the effort and he fell back into the water, cursing how loud his splash was.

He took a moment to try and find his breath, but it was barely coming in gasps anymore. Everything was overworked. He’d lost too much blood. Used too much strength.

He was too weak.

…What he wouldn’t give to have Leo here right now.

Glancing at his brothers, Raph shook his head of the thought. Leo wouldn’t give up. Leo would find a way to get them to safety.

Attempting another breath, Raph gripped the pipe once more.

He was getting them home.

Eyes glowering with determination, Raph took one more moment to make sure no one was around before hoisting himself up once more. His brothers’ taped wrists fell against his neck, pulling him back with so much force Raph nearly fell again.

But he didn’t.

He tightened his grip, forcing his muscles to do what they no longer had the strength to. Dragging himself higher and higher he finally managed to get his chest inside, with his legs dangling as he pulled himself the rest of the way.

Finally, they’d made it in.

Raph crawled a good few feet inside the spout, not stopping until they were in an adjoining pipe so he could be sure they wouldn’t be washed out with the rainwater.

He collapsed. Removing his brothers’ arms from around his neck, letting them lie on their shells as he fell on his side, he felt his body failing him. Blood was pouring from his wounds again, and if Raph wasn’t mistaken, a few of them looked bigger now. He must have pulled them open in all the movement.

He looked to both his younger brothers, thankful to see they were still breathing.

Darkness crept into his vision once more, caressing his mind with it’s enticing promise of rest. Raph tried to fight it off, but he simply had nothing left. He’d used every bit of strength he had and then some.

He was spent.

Looking to his brothers again, he tried to reach for them, but lacked the strength to even lift his arm. “Donnie… Mikey…” His voice was barely a whisper.

Everything was going dark as he tried desperately to cling to consciousness. But it was no use.

No! He had to get them home! He’d sworn he’d get them home safe!

But his body no longer listened to his demands. His eyes closed as he felt everything in him shutting down. “I’m sorry…”

I wasn’t strong enough.

Donnie’s eyes fluttered open ever so slightly, his vision taking a moment to focus. He’d heard Raph call his name. As his mind tried to fight the sleep that tugged at his every thought, he couldn’t understand why his vision was so fogged; what was this over his face? Before he had a chance to logic it out, his brain started shutting down again, forcing him to sleep. His blurry eyes caught site of his older brother in a heap beside him, bleeding, and completely still.

“Raph…” But before Don could even think to try and help him, his eyes were forced closed, unconsciousness claiming him once more.

 

* * *

 

“You ok Red?” Casey had come up behind April as she leaned back in the chair, sighing in frustration.

“This guy gave me the coordinates to an industrial complex that used to be used as weapons storage by the Foot.”

She didn’t sound too enthusiastic about it. “Isn’t that a good lead?”

“I’d hoped so. Leatherhead was in the area and said he’d check it out.”

“And?”

“And that was ninety minutes ago. If he’d found anything he would have reported back by now.” She lowered her head into her hand, covering her eyes slightly. “Probably another dead end…”

“Hey,” Casey took her hand from her head and held it his. “Come on Red, don’t be like that. We’ll find ‘em. For all we know they could have got away from Chrome-Dome and are headed home right now.”

April looked at him with tired eyes. “You don’t actually believe that, do you?”

“I believe in our buddies.” He said firmly. “I believe they’re a combination of the toughest, smartest guys we know, and I believe they’re more than a match for metal-head.”

April had to smile at that.

“Don’t worry Babe… we’ll find ‘em.”

“April! April are you there?!”

The red-head turned, grabbing her walkie talkie. “I’m here Leatherhead. Find anything?”

“Can you track my location?”

She shared a quizzical glance with Casey. “As long as you’ve still got the GPS on you.”

“Grab whatever medical supplies you can and get here. Quickly.”

The concern in his voice was unmistakable. “What’s going o—“

“I found them.”

April’s heart swelled with joy, nearly bringing tears to her eyes with it’s sudden power. “You found them!?!?”

Casey’s eyes widened.

“How are they!? Where did you—“

“Please April, you must hurry.”

She paused, realization dawning on her. She was almost too afraid to ask the question. “…Are they alive?”

Silence on the other end. Casey looked to April, awaiting a reply.

“Leatherhead?” Her joy had disappeared, replaced with dread.

“Please April,” He sounded so afraid. “Just get here.”

She looked to Casey who read the terror in her eyes. “Babe?”

The red-head furrowed her brow, not ready to give into fear yet. They were alive. Leatherhead asked for medical supplies. They had to be alive.

Please…

“What do you need?”

 

* * *

 

Beneath the water, half an hour from where the turtles had been found, there lay a secret lair. Small, compact, and filled with misery. It had been home to anguish, torment, and despair for nearly four days. A symbol of the depths hatred can drag a person, when given the opportunity.

There was an explosion.

Fire erupted from the complex as walls, concrete, and bubbles cascaded through the water like missiles, shattering into pieces. All traces of life eradicated, leaving nothing but ash in their wake. Smoldering bits of metal and cement littered the smoking corpse that was once the underwater lair. That was once a symbol.

Amidst the wreckage there stood a broken pipe, tall and proud of surviving the destruction.

Caught in it’s ragged edges was another symbol. A symbol of selflessness. Of sacrifice. Of love.

Of a leader.

A blue mask, flitting in the waves, refusing to give in to the death that surrounded it.


	17. Holding Together

Cold.

He was shivering.

Couldn’t see anything.

Thumping nearby. Someone coming?

Where was he? Why couldn’t he see?

Someone was talking. They’d been found! Wait… he knew that voice.

A hand was at his neck, the fingers scaly. Checking for a pulse?

Who was it?

 

* * *

 

Leatherhead was kneeling beside the turtles, assessing their injuries as he listed off to April the supplies to bring. He tried to keep his voice steady and calm, but truthfully, he was terrified. He’d been in battle with the turtles, seen them hurt on multiple occasions, but not like this.

Never like this.

April said they were on their way, so now all he could do was wait and hope his friends could survive till help arrived. He didn’t like the idea of moving them, but the van –what had Michelangelo called it? The Shellraiser?- certainly couldn’t come down this pipe.

He moved them carefully, one at a time, laying them against the wall under a ladder to a manhole. The van would park right above and they’d be able to hoist the turtles up from here. After Michelangelo and Donatello were safely in place, Leatherhead went back for Raphael.

His eyes turned grim as he looked the turtle over. His normally dark green skin was unrecognizably pale, and there was blood all over his body. When he’d first found them, he thought Raphael was dead. But he’d found a faint, thin thrumb against his fingers telling him the turtle was holding on.

Barely.

He lifted the red-banded ninja from the trickle of water, carefully laying him down near his brothers. He wished he could sit with all of them in his arms to keep them warm till blankets arrived, but Raphael needed the most immediate attention.

Had to stop this bleeding.

Placing his hands overtop what he could only assume was some sort of stab wound, Leatherhead knew he could do nothing more but wait till the others arrived.

“Please my friends… Please hold on.”

 

* * *

 

More talking. Now he was moving. Something warm wrapped around him.

What was going on?

A hand to his forehead. This one was fury. A voice spoke, somehow with the power to automatically calm him.

Sensei? Could it be?

More movement. Someone was beside him.

Now they were shouting. He could hear their fear.

His brothers. Were his brothers alright?

Someone spoke nearby and he heard their leader’s name.

They were asking about Leo.

They didn’t know.

Had to tell them. Had to make sure the others were alive.

Open your eyes. Come on… just open your eyes.

Something held them shut. His own weakness. His own fear.

No. Wake up. Say something. Tell them about Mikey’s fever. Tell them about Raph’s injuries.

Tell them about Leo.

Finally, an eyelid lifted!

Light. Too much of it. His eyes closed again.

Ok, don’t look. Just talk. Breathe.

“Leo…”

Too soft. No one would hear that. Try again.

“Leo… not…”

Ran out of breath. Ran out of strength.

 

* * *

 

It took only half an hour for the van to arrive; Casey had been driving with a purpose. He parked just beside the manhole and paced, hating being told to wait topside as a lookout.

Splinter had been down before Casey even parked. The site that greeted him made his fur stand on end and his heart stop entirely. “No…”

Donatello had dried blood crusted down his head, bruises on his neck, and several deep burns, one that looked as though it’d chewed through his plastron.

Michelangelo looked ill, his brow furrowed as he breathed rapidly, with an enormous gash across his chest that seemed to be cauterized shut.

Both had bruises and burn marks around their wrists and ankles.

“My sons!” He didn’t even feel his feet moving beneath him as he rushed to Mikey’s side, feeling his forehead. The heat of his son’s fever startled him. “April, a cold cloth.” He asked, holding out his hand.

The red-head was frozen in place. The site of her battered friends had stolen her breath, replacing it with a choked gasp. She now understood the worry in Leatherhead’s voice over the radio.

“April.” Splinter repeated, bringing her from her thoughts.

“S-Sorry.”

Handing him an icepack wrapped in a cloth, Splinter held it to his son’s forehead. “How is Raphael?” He’d been unable to see his third son around Leatherhead’s large frame.

There was no reply. Leatherhead wasn’t paying attention to anything else as he wrapped the wounds on Raph’s shoulder as best he could. He feared it may already be too late. When the wound was covered, he stood. “I shall carry them up one at a time. You two secure them in the van.”

Both nodded, climbing the ladder once more, Splinter looking back at his sons, the fear in his eyes not able to be hidden for long.

First was Donatello. Leatherhead carried him up, laying him in the van as Splinter put a hand to his forehead, speaking something in Japanese. April bundled him in a blanket after putting some gauze over his burns, then turned to Mikey. Leatherhead lay the youngest next to Donatello as Splinter swaddled him in the blanket, situating himself between his two sons so he could be near them both.

Finally Raph was hoisted up and laid on the other side of the van, Leatherhead at his side so he could keep pressure on any areas still bleeding.

Splinter finally caught site of Raphael, as did April. They both seemed to forget how to breathe as they stared at the turtle, eyes wide in shock. “Raphael!”

“Is he…?”

“Still alive.” Leatherhead assured. “But we must hurry.”

“Casey, step on it!” April shouted, closing the van doors.

“On it Babe.” And they took off down the road.

No one spoke for a few minutes until Leatherhead addressed the elephant in the room. “I could not find him.” He reiterated the same conversation he’d had with April earlier before they arrived. “These three were passed out together down the pipe a ways, but I could not find Leonardo anywhere.”

Neither April nor Splinter were able to find their voice. It took another few minutes before Splinter finally spoke up. “We must take care of the three we found.” Then they could search for his eldest. The Father trusted Leo to be able to take care of himself, but that didn’t stop the sinking helplessness that was rotting away at his heart.

“Leo…”

“Donnie!” April looked to the purple masked turtle, grabbing his hand in hers as he looked like he was trying to wake up.

“Leo… not…”

Don was clearly fighting for consciousness, and as much as Splinter wanted to tell him to save his breath, he desperately wanted to know about Leonardo. Every time his oldest son’s name was mentioned, it twisted his stomach, reminding him of the vision he’d felt.

April’s desperation was written all over her face. Not just to know what happened to Leo, but also to try and keep Donnie talking. Keep him conscious. “Not? Not what, Don? Where’s Leo?”

 

* * *

 

Come on. Keep it together. Tell them.

Sleep closed in. He could feel it pulling him away.

Something bumped. They were moving again.

An eye cracked open once more.

He saw Sensei and April.

They’d been found! They’d actually been found!

They were in the Shellraiser.

Going home.

Thank God.

Finally going home.

Had to tell Mikey! Had to tell Raph!

Had to tell Sensei about Leo.

His mind was jumbled. What was going on? Where were they again?

Sleep closed his eyelids, holding them shut.

Come on. Focus!

Had to stay awake. Had to keep conscious. Had to…

Sleep.

 

* * *

 

April gripped Donnie’s hand so tightly she felt hers falling asleep. “Donnie? Come on Don, stay awake. Talk to me.” She watched his eyes twitch as if trying to open.

Splinter laid a hand on his son’s head, stroking it gently, again murmuring in Japanese.

Finally, Don’s eyes opened. Just a crack. April nearly jumped in relief. “Donnie!”

His eyes seemed to take a moment to focus as he looked around. His face was contorted in pain as he tried to speak. Instead of talking, however, his body fell limp as his eyes closed again.

“No Donnie, keep your eyes open! Come on, stay awake, ok?” April let more desperation into her words than she’d meant. She’d just been so relieved to see any sign of life that his eyes closing made her fear he’d never open them again. “Don!?”

“It is alright, April.” Splinter kept his hand on his son’s head. “Let him rest.” They’d be home soon and between Leatherhead, April, and himself, he was certain they’d be able to make his sons well again. They had to.

April nodded, refusing to release her hold on Donnie’s hand. She glanced over at Mikey as Splinter held the ice pack over his forehead. Mikey’s face was twisted into a painful frown and April honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen him without a smile. It wasn’t right. “How is he?”

“Ill.” Splinter replied, securing the icepack to Mikey’s forehead before tucking the blanket around him more.

“There are antibiotics in the med kit.” Leatherhead spoke up, his eyes still on Raph. “They will aid with his fever. “

Splinter looked to April who dug through the kit until finding a small vial of penicillin and a needle. The old rat had to take a breath to calm his nerves and stop his hands from shaking before administering the medicine.

He’d found them. After nearly four days of torment, they would finally be home. And yet the fear that had been his constant companion since his sons went missing was more imposing than ever. He had his children in his arms again, and the idea that they might slip away as he held them was far more terrifying than he could put into words.

As Splinter sat with a hand on each of his younger sons’ heads, he looked over to his third child. Leatherhead was still working feverishly to stop his son from bleeding all over the van. Getting a better look at him, Splinter could see the lacerations, the burns, and the bruises. He was at the wrong angle to see the wound that Leatherhead seemed most focused on, but he’d seen enough as it was. His son was within an inch of losing his life. Splinter could feel him fading.

His heart nearly broke.

His sons had been in pain for days -tortured at the hand of his rival- and there’d been nothing he could do to help them. Useless was not strong enough a word to describe his failure.

He felt unworthy to be called their Father.

“Raphael!” Leatherhead was suddenly looming over the red-banded ninja with fear in his eyes as he pumped his chest.

“What happened!?” April cried, knowing full well what was going on, but unable to accept it.

“The defibrillator.” Leatherhead nodded towards the machine as April snatched it up and turned it on. “Quickly!”

“It’s charging!” Oh please, don’t do this. Please Raph.

Splinter could do nothing but watch as his son was shocked by the paddles.

Still no heartbeat. Another shock.

Nothing.

Glancing down at his youngest children, he decided they would be alright for the time being and moved quickly to Raph’s side. “Raphael.” Leatherhead shocked the turtle once more before Splinter felt for a pulse. “Please, my son…” His voice was calm, but his body was frozen with fear. Finally he felt the faint thump of a pulse. He sighed in relief, placing a hand to Raphael’s forehead as he whispered words to his son that no one else would hear.

“I have him Master Splinter.” Leatherhead assured, knowing the other two turtle’s still needed looking after.

Splinter nodded, caressing his son’s head before moving back to his other two children.

“We must hurry. There is only so much we can do in this van, and I’m afraid Raphael won’t make it much longer.”

April turned to Casey, unsure if he’d heard Leatherhead or not. “Casey, we need to move faster!”

“My pedal’s to the medal, babe. I don’t think she’ll go any faster.” The vigilante was literally flooring it, cranking through the streets of Manhattan quicker than a New York taxi. Luck had been on their side so far; there’d been no cops, no traffic, and the lights had all been green. So far. “How’re the guys?” He hadn’t dared look back to check on them. Both because he was moving so fast he needed to keep focused on driving, and because he was terrified of what he’d see. He’d only caught a glimpse of them as they were brought into the van, and even that was enough to tell they were in bad shape. Real bad.

“We need to get home, Casey.” Was the only reply April could give him. She didn’t have the strength to relay their actual condition.

Casey could hear the fear in her voice. “Alright. Let’s see what I can coax out of this baby.”

“Hold on my sons,” Splinter looked at his three children, all barely clinging to life. They could be saved. He would not let Saki take them from him.

“We’re almost home.”

 

* * *

 

April couldn’t remember the last time she’d breathed since finding the turtles. She had yet to pass out, so her body must have been getting oxygen, but it felt like she was constantly holding her breath since the moment she’d seen her friends in that sewer.

It had taken them only twenty minutes to get home, but the turtles were in rough shape by then. All of them were frozen -except Mikey’s brain, which had apparently set itself on fire- all of them were injured, and all of them looked as though they’d been through a war. April still couldn’t bring herself to imagine what had happened. When they’d brought the brothers into the lair’s infirmary, she got a much better look at their injuries.

It made her sick. She’d seen the guys hurt before. Plenty of times. Probably more times than they cared to admit.

But not like this. Never like this.

April had certainly become handy with the stitches –she’d helped Donnie with patchwork many times over the years- but she was no doctor. For that matter, neither was Leatherhead, but he was certainly more qualified than she.

But with only one person capable of actual surgery, it meant they had to mend the turtles one at a time.

Starting with Raph.

The usually dark skinned, hot-tempered ninja lay on the table with eyes closed, skin pale, and blood painting nearly his whole body. It was not an easy sight. For any of them.

Casey had pitched a fit when he saw how bad off the brothers –particularly Raph- were. He’d stared at the stab wounds in his best friend’s shoulder, silent for several minutes, as if letting it really sink in. Then came the shouting. He swore up a storm, cursing Shredder and swearing vengeance in the most colorful ways possible. He had to leave the room for a moment to calm himself; April could see how desperately he wanted to throw something through a wall. But he’d showed great maturity in how he gathered himself, calmed down, and came back ready to help.

As Raph was being prepped, he coded, leading Leatherhead to believe the turtle was too weak to undergo surgery. Several defibrillator shocks later, he breathed again, but all Leatherhead could do was patch him up as best as possible, hook him to an IV and some blood, and hope he recovered strength soon.

Mikey was next on the list. His fever hadn’t dissipated with the antibiotics, which meant they either needed stronger medication, or he was past the point of help. April sent Casey to the drug store to see what he could get his hands on, but she doubted stronger antibiotics would be available over-the-counter.

As Mikey was in surgery, Splinter waited in Donnie’s lab -which they’d turned into a make-shift infirmary since the med area was too small- watching over his other two children. They lay on cots on the floor, each hooked up to an IV, with blankets and pillows to keep them as comfortable as possible. Raph also had a bag of blood next to his IV. Don kept three bags for each of them in storage, just in case, and Raph was already on his third. He’d lost so much…

Splinter sat between the two, a hand on each of their foreheads as he meditated. He was trying to reach their spirits and give them strength, but so far had been unsuccessful. Every time he closed his eyes, his visions flashed before him, startling him.

What had Saki done to them?

Looking down at Donatello, Splinter saw his son as a tot, fiddling with the TV to get them more channels, rewiring the lair so they had light, and creating a toy drone from scraps he’d found around the area. He was so brilliant. So willing to try new things and make new discoveries. Should they have been human, Splinter was certain Donatello would have been declared a prodigy and scooped up by the best colleges and universities in the world. He knew his son struggled with only being considered ‘the smart one’ on the team and was always trying to prove he could do more. But Splinter already knew what he did was invaluable: he gave them hope. Possibility. He commanded brilliance from what was broken, and strength from insecurity. Both in his inventions and in his brothers.

Pride swelled in Splinter as he pictured how much his son had grown. The idea that he could be cut down in his prime –or cut down at all- made the Father shudder.

He drew in a breath, keeping himself calm. Fear was not a luxury he could afford right now. His children needed him to be strong. He wouldn’t rest until they had mended.

He would give anything to have them pull through this.

 

* * *

 

Mikey’s surgery had fortunately been rather simple. He only had the one laceration across his chest that needed Leatherhead’s expertise, the rest could be easily stitched up by April or Splinter.

But it wasn’t his wounds that worried Leatherhead, it was his fever. They cleaned, disinfected, and closed the gash, wrapping nearly Mikey’s entire torso with bandages, but still his fever had not left. The alligator hoped that it was simply a matter of his body needing rest before charging in and fighting off the infection, but there were no guarantees.

It wasn’t until after Donatello’s surgery that things took a turn for the worse.

Mikey started thrashing in his sleep, crying out in pain, yet still completely unconscious.

“My son!” Splinter ran to Mikey’s side, trying to hold his arms steady. “My son, please, remain still!” Blood seeped through the bandages as Mikey’s thrashing tore out a few stitches.

Leatherhead, who had been laying Donatello back in his bed, rushed to Mikey’s side, a hand over his forehead. “Turn him on his side.”

Holding his son tight, Splinter tried to still his son’s movements, running a hand over his head as he whispered in Japanese. After a minute, Mikey lay still again, his breath even more rapid than it had been before. “What happened?”

“A febrile seizure. Due to his high fever.” Grabbing a thermometer, Leatherhead checked Mikey’s temperature and nearly gasped at the number: 106 degrees! That couldn’t be right! “We need to cool him down!”

Splinter wasted no time grabbing a cold compress as April –who’d been tucking Don under his blankets- dashed for the freezer, filling a bag with ice. Leatherhead wrapped the blanket up around Mikey’s shoulders; they needed to regulate his body temperature by cooling him down and keeping him warm at the same time. If the fever got much worse it could throw Mikey into a coma. Or worse…

For the next several hours Splinter sat next to his youngest, holding the ice to his forehead. He would chant healing mantras to try and slow Mikey’s pulse and keep him breathing easier; Leatherhead said the best thing for him would be rest, which was difficult to achieve when your heart was pumping a mile a minute.

It took nearly all the strength Splinter had not to panic. Mikey’s fever didn’t appear to be breaking, which meant the antibiotics weren’t taking effect yet. His son’s body was already weak from whatever Saki had done to him… it couldn’t keep fighting forever.

But the Father couldn’t allow himself to think like that. He knew his boy could pull through. Mikey may act the fool, but he was as strong willed as any of his brothers. He could find the strength to fight the infection. He could pull through.

Again, Splinter was drawn into a memory as he watched his son’s labored sleep. He saw Mikey as a toddler, cuddling an old teddy bear they’d found in the garbage, asking for a bedtime story. His eyes were always full of wonder and delight, brimming with excitement at every new discovery. He was light that shone in the darkest places, far too bright to be cooped up in the sewers. His unfailing optimism was something Splinter himself still strived for.

What he wouldn’t give to see his son’s smile fill the room with warmth right now.

April’s hand to his shoulder pulled him from his thoughts. “How is his fever?”

“Still strong. But so is Michelangelo.” He placed a hand overtop of April’s. “He will be alright. I am sure of it.” Or at least he would keep telling himself that until it was true.

April wanted to be comforted by Splinter’s confidence, but Mikey’s pained face made her heart ache with worry. She walked back to sit by Donatello, holding his hand as she monitored his vitals.

This was all too much. Mikey’s fever. Donnie’s burns. Raph’s… everything! It was too much! It would have been bad enough if it was just one of them hurt as they were, but all three was more than April’s stress levels and emotions could handle.

And what about Leo?

They still had no idea where he was, how bad he may be hurt, or even why he was separated from the others. For all they knew, he could be—

“April…?”

The croaking voice startled April from her thoughts. “…Donnie?” Looking down to the turtle, her eyes welled with water at the sudden relief that flooded through her: he was awake! Tired eyes stared back at her as she blinked away her tears, her grip absently tightening on his hand. “I’m here, Don. Master Splinter!” She turned, but the rat was already at her side.

“Donatello.” He whispered, a hand to his son’s shoulder.

Don’s eyes tried to focus. His mind was still clouded with weariness, but he wanted to be awake. He wanted to know what was going on. How were his brothers? Had they all made it home safe? The hand to his shoulder brought his gaze to his Father. “Sensei…” So it hadn’t been a dream… they’d actually made it home! How were the others? He attempted to sit up and look for his brothers, but Splinter gently held him still.

“Rest my son.” He could see Donatello straining to speak. “April, some water.”

The red-head was quick to the kitchen and back with a glass. Donatello drank only a few sips before coughing and attempting to speak again. “M-Mikey…? Raph…?” Was all he was able to get out.

“Your brothers are here, Donatello. Do not worry.” The pain in his son’s eyes stabbed at Splinters heart. He placed his hand on the top of Don’s head. “Rest. Everything will be alright now.”

The purple-clad turtle took a deep breath, sighing in relief. They were home. They were safe. He could rest without worry. Letting his eyes slip closed, Donnie fell into a peaceful sleep –the first one he’d had in days.

Splinter watched his son’s chest rise and fall, relieved at seeing it so steady. He stayed by Donnie’s side a while longer, wanting to be comforted by the fact that at least one son was going to pull through this mess. But his other two still needed his attention.

As if reading his mind, April put a hand to Splinter’s shoulder. “I’ll stay with him.”

The Father nodded, taking one last look at Donatello before heading back to sit by Mikey.

It would all be alright. Everything would alright.

 

* * *

 

It had been a full twenty-four hours since the turtles had been found, but Donnie was the only one that showed improvement. He’d rested quite a bit and was anxious to get out of bed and check on his siblings, but his body was still very weak. Of course, Don didn’t let that stop him. He was still sore, still tired, and still desperate for more sleep, but after seeing the condition his brothers were in, he couldn’t take lying down and watching them anymore. He had to do something.

After several more hours of rest, Leatherhead had helped Donatello from his bed to be beside his brothers. They moved Mikey and Raph to the right side of the room so Splinter and Donnie could sit beside them both. At even the slightest movement, Don’s burns reminded him they were still raw and not ready to be ignored, and his head throbbed in protest, but he was going to at least sit by his brothers and monitor them. Make sure they were alright.

Once Donnie was settled, Casey, April, and Leatherhead decided to give the family a moment alone. Don had been mostly silent since he woke up, and the gang assumed he was still traumatized. If anyone could help him through it, Splinter could.

Making the excuse that they were going for food and more gauze, the three took their exit.

Silence engulfed the make-shift infirmary as Donnie sat with Raph in front of him, shell to back with Splinter who was holding an icepack to Mikey’s head.

Neither spoke. Both were content to simply be each other’s presence for a moment. But Splinter could feel the guilt radiating from his genius son. Survivor’s guilt.

Donnie knew he would be alright. Leatherhead had done good work; it would be a while before he was bounding from buildings again, but his injuries were no longer life threatening.

His brothers’ were.

Mikey was his baby brother. Mikey was the most positive force in the universe. If Mikey’s light was snuffed out, it would be as if the sun never rose again. He knew Leo and Raph felt the same; if nothing else, they wanted to protect Mikey. They’d done their part to keep him safe. Don hadn’t. He’d failed. As a ninja, as a healer, as an older brother… he’d let his family down.

And Raph. Donnie still had no idea how on earth they’d made it out of the water. Leatherhead had explained –several times, since Don’s mind had been too hazy to remember at first- where they’d been found and how. Donnie hadn’t said anything then, but his mind simply couldn’t figure out how in the world they’d gotten from the ship to the sewer. But there was one thing he was certain of; Raph had been the one to do it. It was an impossible feat, but somehow Raph had done it.

And now he was dying for it. Literally dying.

The minute his mind had cleared enough to think straight, Don had instructed Leatherhead how to hook Raph up to his homemade life support system. He now lay with an oxygen mask over his mouth and tubes seemingly jutting from everywhere. It wasn’t as good a machine as you’d find in a hospital, but it was doing the job. Until his brother was strong enough for surgery, it would keep him alive. Hopefully.

“Guilt does not become you, my son.”

Donnie jolted at the sudden break in the silence, turning to glance at Splinter before lowering his eyes to ground. Ashamed. Another silence submerged the room, as Donnie drowned in his own guilt. Finally, he could take it no more. “I couldn’t help them.”

Splinter turned to face his son.

“I watched them dying and I didn’t… I couldn’t…” Don’s voice broke as he looked at his older brother’s frail form. “I’m sorry, Dad…” Tears slid down the turtle’s face as he confessed; shame, regret, and fear, all suddenly dropping on him like a weight he couldn’t lift.

A paw covering his hand made him flinch away, afraid to look his Father in the eyes. But Splinter, now sitting in front of his son, put a hand under Don’s chin, bringing his head up. “To blame yourself for your brothers’ conditions is a waste of energy. We must focus on what you can do in the present, not what you could not do in the past.”

Splinter paused. “Donatello.”

The gentle warmth in his Father’s voice finally got Don to look him in the eyes.

“None of this is your fault. It is your medicine that has stayed Mikey’s fever. Your machine that keeps Raphael alive.” His son’s eyes widened as Splinter moved his paw to Don’s cheek. “You have done more than enough to keep this family together.”

And it all came crashing down.

The fear. The guilt. The desperation. The exhaustion. Everything rolled through the genius turtle like a tidal wave, spilling tears from his eyes and making his body tremble.

Splinter wrapped his arms around his son, who quickly returned the hug, desperate for someone –something- to hold on to. “I’m sorry!” He whispered once again.

Splinter held his boy, a hand caressing the back of his head. “It is alright my son. We will get through this… together.”

The two sat there in each other’s arms; Don clinging to comfort and Splinter more than happy to give it. He cherished the moment. His son was alive, in his arms once more. Whatever else happened, he had something to hold on to. Someone to live for. He would need that to keep him strong for his other children.

“Thank you my son.” He breathed, barely above a whisper.

Don gave a derisive snort. How on earth could his Father possibly be thanking him right now!? “For what?”

Splinter pulled away to look Donatello in the eyes. “For your strength.”

A small smile crept across his Sensei’s mouth as the turtle wiped his eyes of the tears.

Splinter moved back to his spot beside Mikey, holding the icepack to his forehead once more as Donatello placed a hand on Raph’s arm.

They could get through this. They were the Hamato clan! When working together, there was nothing they couldn’t survive! They could do this… together.

Suddenly, in mockery of Donnie’s optimism, Mikey’s heart stopped beating.

And all hope died in an instant.


	18. Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this story became a reverse SAINW: Donnie and Splinter are the only ones left standing while Raph, Leo, and Mikey are all (nearly) gone.

The room had erupted into chaos.

Mikey’s heart stopped beating and Don and Splinter were charging the defibrillator when all of a sudden Raph's flew tachycardic.

The calm and comfort shared by the two Hamato members only moments before had been stolen by reality crashing down around them.

Splinter pierced Mikey with a needle of atropine and used the machine to jumpstart his heart while Don pumped Raph’s chest. The two called out for any of their three companions to come back into the room, but they must have left the lair already, and neither Donnie nor Splinter had the hands to spare to make a phone call.

Several terrifying minutes passed as the two tried to salvage their crumbling family. For a moment, Splinter thought he’d lost two of his children. For good.

It tore out his soul.

In those few minutes, he felt the pain of what it would be like to lose his sons like that. To watch them both slip away in his arms. To never see Michelangelo’s smile brighten a room. To never hear Raphael's passionate voice booming through the lair.

For what seemed like an eternity, he felt the full force of what it would be like to watch his sons die in front of him.

Fear was not strong enough a word.

Agony. Despair. Grief. None could convey the raw pain that seized his body.

Fighting to hold himself together, Splinter continued with his task, silently begging Michelangelo to breathe. Silently praying for Raphael's heart not to stop beating.

Silently screaming for his family to stay with him.

Then at last, a pulse.

A strong beat pounding against his fingers.

His youngest was breathing! Splinter let out a heavy sigh, his heart finally able to move again as he replaced the icepack on Michelangelo’s forehead.

“Sensei!” His genius son’s voice was heard over his mental elation. Splinter rushed to Donatello’s side, the defibrillator in tow. “Quick!”

The machine shocked Raphael, forcing his heart to beat at a normal pace.

Both Splinter and Donnie gasped in relief as the monitor beeped to the rhythm of Raph’s now beating heart. Donatello looked like he was ready to pass out, fear still apparent in his features. He leaned back, a hand to his head as he tried to steady himself.

“Breathe my son.” Splinter reminded him, prompting Don to inhale deeply as his Sensei put a hand to his shoulder. “Your brothers remain with us.”

Don looked from Mikey to Raph, making sure they were both still breathing. That it wasn’t just wishful thinking. He looked to his Father, true terror in his eyes. It had only just occurred to him –just in that moment- that if his brothers didn’t recover, he would be the only one left.

The last brother standing.

If Mikey couldn’t break his fever, if Raph couldn’t find strength to heal, and if Leo really wasn’t coming back… he’d be left to pick up the pieces.

Alone.

No more Raph to watch his back. No more Mikey to gawk at his inventions.

No more family.

He’d still have Splinter, April, and Casey. He’d still have Leatherhead and the Mutanimals. And for them he would be eternally grateful.

But it wouldn’t be the same. Nothing would ever be the same.

He’d be alone. Brotherless.

It would be like losing three of his limbs and still trying to live a normal life. It just… wouldn’t be possible.

And it would be his own fault for not finding a way to help them. For not finding an escape sooner. For not being of any use whatsoever in this whole terrible situation!

_"You figured out the base was underwater, you gathered information on the layout, and you were smart enough to notice the limited Foot soldiers."_

Leo’s voice floated from Don’s memory, reminding him of the last time he’d lost hope.

_"You helped me save Raph. You kept Mikey together. You're doing everything you can to get us out of here in one piece. That's not nothing. That's not being useless."_

It was as if he could see his eldest brother standing in front of him, lifting the hopelessness from his shoulders.

_“Don’t give up. Don’t give up on Mikey. And don’t give up on Raph. We need you Don.”_

He looked to his two frail siblings, clinging to life by little more than a thread.

_“I need you.”_

It was only for a moment, but Don could have sworn he saw Leo standing behind Splinter, that same determination in his eyes filling Donnie’s heart with hope.

He blinked, and Leo was gone. Only Splinter stood before him, worry in his eyes as he held Don’s shoulder, calling his name.

But the hope remained. And Don wouldn’t lose sight of it again.

He could still fix this. He could still save his family.

“Donatello.” Splinter’s voice rose slightly as he tried for the third time to get his son’s attention.

“Sensei, can you help me stand?”

The sudden reply caught Splinter off guard. A moment ago his son had been lost to a daydream. “My son, you should be resting. It is best if you stay here and watch—“

“Sensei,” Don interrupted his Father, gazing at him with true resolve. “I can help. I have to help! I won’t let Shredder take our family away.”

Splinter took one glance at the look in his son’s eyes and knew there would be no stopping him. He needed to do this. “I understand. What do you need?”

“Adrenaline. Lots of it.”

 

* * *

 

Several hours after their near loss, Donatello was on his feet, moving from brother to brother, doing everything he could to aid in their recovery. He didn’t have a magical cure-all that would make them suddenly better. He wasn’t a real doctor with real medical supplies or a real hospital to utilize. And his mind was still trying to force him to rest every five minutes.

But he was doing his best.

Every half hour he would take a shot of adrenaline to keep his body up and moving, but he knew that wouldn’t last for long; eventually he’d have to rest. He estimated it could work for six hours or so and then either he’d have to take a nap or his mind would shut down on him.

But this was working for now. And while it slowed his recovery, he was willing to do whatever it took to bring his brothers back.

Their family couldn’t lose another brother.

Wasting no time since his last battle with hopelessness, Don had fashioned a temperature sensitive electric blanket from scraps and a comforter April had kindly provided. Laying it over Mikey, the blanket was programmed to keep him at a steady body temperature of 28 degrees Celsius; not too hot, not too cold. Don’s hope was that the constant temperature regulation would help his heart slow down and allow his body the rest it needed to allow the antibiotics to take effect and fight off the infection. He also made to sure to keep Mikey hydrated, sponging his body with lukewarm water every half-hour. So far none of it had caused a change, but Don was hopeful; the fever hadn’t brought on any more seizers, so that was at least something.

For Raph, he gave blood. His brother had already gone through his three stored packages and then some. Fortunately, Don’s blood type was compatible with Raph’s, so he was able to use his packages on his brother. Don also treated the burns that littered his older Raph’s body, and fortunately they didn’t seem too bad.

He’d done everything he could think of to help his siblings.

He kept a constant eye on Mikey’s fever, cleaning his chest wound every few hours.

He sat by Raph, watching his vitals closely, ready to act should his heart stop again.

But it didn’t feel like enough. His brothers still weren’t healing.

By the time the sun was beginning to rise after their second day home, Don was feeling the helplessness return. And once again, it was Leo’s words that held him together. Gave him hope. He replayed his brother’s speech over and over in his mind, convincing himself not to give up. Not yet.

Sitting beside Raph as he stared at the machine, Don felt his fatigue setting in. His head drooped as he tried to stay awake, his eyes blinking closed until they could no longer be forced open again. Don felt himself sliding from his sitting position, falling towards the floor. He was caught by scaly green arms.

“Donatello, are you alright?”

Leatherhead. “I’m fine.” He shook away the fatigue, sitting upright and looking his friend in the eyes, attempting a smile. “Just tired, I guess.”

“Perhaps you should get some rest. Your body is still trying to recover. It would be unwise to push yourself too much.”

“I know.” But he couldn’t sleep. Not now. He was terrified he’d wake up to find himself an only child. “It’s nothing a cup of coffee can’t cure.”

Leatherhead smiled knowingly, holding out the cup in his other hand. “I had thought you’d say as much.”

Handing the beverage to Don, the turtle smiled. “Thank you Leatherhead.”

“Think nothing of it.”

“No, I don’t just mean the coffee.”

The alligator tilted his head in curiosity at the sudden seriousness in Donatello’s tone.

“For finding us… I was starting to wonder if we’d ever get home.” Don paused, staring down at the coffee in his hands. “You saved our lives. We owe you.”

Leatherhead placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder, drawing his gaze. “You and your brothers saved me from a life of torment and pain, and have taken me into your family ever since.” He looked to the other two turtles a moment, quickly hiding the sadness that crossed his face. “You owe me nothing. I only wish I could have done more.”

Don was taken back by the sincerity in Leatherhead’s voice. He closed his eyes, taking a moment to breathe away his emotions. “Thank you.”

“It is good to have you back, my friend.”

The two shared a welcome moment of comfort before moving to check on the turtles, Don feeling Mikey’s forehead and Leatherhead watching over Raph. Testing Mikey’s temperature, Don sighed in relief at the number: 104 degrees. Not a huge improvement, but it meant Mikey was beginning to regain his strength. If only slightly.

“Where are Master Splinter and the others?” Leatherhead asked, taking a seat next to Raph.

“Sleeping. Or at least trying to.” Don took a seat next to his younger brother, sipping his coffee. “Casey and April were up helping me with these two all night, and I don’t think Master Splinter’s slept since we got back. So I finally managed to convince them we could handle things for a while.” Come to think of it, Leatherhead was the only one who’d managed to nap for a few hours the day before. And Don was positive he’d only forced himself to sleep so he wouldn’t be too tired to be useful.

Like Donnie was becoming.

“It’s been… quite a week.” Leatherhead spoke quietly, causing Don to turn and glance at his bowed head. “We were all very worried.”

It hadn’t really occurred to Don what the past week must have been like for his family at home. His brothers had talked about it at one point, but Donnie had been too caught up with worry about their situation to really let it sink in. Splinter must have felt as terrified as they did sitting in that prison. Which brought another unpleasant thought to Donnie’s mind:

How in the world was he going to tell Sensei about Leo?

The group had been kind enough not to ask about any of it: what happened, why they were taken, how they escaped- nothing. Which included not asking about Leo. And Donnie was ever thankful they hadn’t; he simply didn’t have the strength to talk about it right now. Not yet.

Shaking his head of those thoughts, Donatello replaced the cold cloth on Mikey’s forehead; he could worry about such things later. Right now he had to focus on his brothers. They were all that mattered.

As he stared at his young sibling, his mind drifted back to the prison. Back to those cages. Back to when Mikey had been thrown in the cell after his second round with Shredder.

The younger turtle had said he apologized to Shredder for what happened to Karai, and Don was still having a hard time wrapping his brain around that: after everything Shredder had done to them –was still doing to them!- Mikey was the one apologizing. Not out of fear or intimidation, but because he actually felt sorry for their part in what happened.

The kid was a wonder of nature. How was it so easy for him to be that kindhearted? Not that Donnie didn’t hurt over Karai’s fate; he felt partially responsible. But he certainly didn’t feel sympathy for Shredder while they were locked away in that prison.

Not Mikey. Mikey was light. Mikey was pure. Mikey was… well, he could be a pain in the shell most times. But Don hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said Mikey was the one keeping the team together; if not for their eccentric baby brother and his unending positivity, the three older turtles would likely have gone their own directions years ago, trying to prove they didn’t need family or whatever it was they always fought about.

“That’s why you have to be OK, Mikey.” Don whispered, a hand still on his brother’s forehead. “We’ll need your smile to get us through this mess.” He leaned closer, somehow afraid that Raph would hear and mock him for his sentiment. “I need you, little bro.”

“Leo…”

Don’s eyes widened as he pulled back, staring at his younger brother. He’d talked! “Mikey!”

“Leo… Don’t!”

Watching as his brother tossed his head from side to side, Don guessed what it was; a fever dream.

Leatherhead had come beside Don, checking Mikey’s pulse. “His heart is racing.”

“Can you get another cold compress?” Don asked, handing Leatherhead the cloth. The scientist nodded, rushing from the room.

Don took a deep breath, reminding himself Mikey’s fever was down slightly so he shouldn’t panic. Sliding closer, he took his brother’s hand in his, holding it tight.

“Please! Don’t go!”

“It’s ok Mikey. I’m here” He gently held the youngest’s shoulders, keeping him from moving too much.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

* * *

 

When Splinter arrived back in the infirmary, he found Donatello holding his younger brother as he tossed and turned in his sleep. The fever dreams had been going on for over an hour and were finally starting to die down, according to Leatherhead.

April woke not too long after and had prepared food for everyone as Casey sat in his spot beside Raph.

Every time Mikey called out in delirium, the room visibly tensed.

His cries were never more than a few words, but they were always laced with such fear that they drove a spike in the hearts of all who heard them.

Splinter tried healing mantras to keep Mikey still and breathing steady, which helped, if only slightly.

Finally, it seemed Mikey’s body was too tired to keep moving, and his cries faded away soon after.

As the young turtle lay still, his eyes still closed with a painful frown on his face, Splinter had to silently meditate to keep himself calm. He watched as Mikey’s chest rose and fell at a more steady rate, thankful it was moving at all.

Don hadn’t left Mikey’s side since the dreams started. He was the only one in the room who understood what his brother was shouting about: cries to stop the pain, cries of fear for his brothers, cries of terror from nearly drowning.

Cries for Leo.

Every time the elder’s name was mentioned, all eyes in the room seemed to turn to Don, as if waiting for him to explain where the missing turtle was. But Don kept his mouth closed, only speaking softly to Mikey as he tried to calm him.

He couldn’t face the rest of the world right now. He just wanted to be here for his brother.

Splinter sat near Michelangelo’s head, whispering to him in Japanese every few minutes. Don couldn’t make out what he was saying, but he was sure it was words of comfort.

He could use some comfort right about now.

“…Donnie?”

The voice had been so quiet Don almost didn’t hear it. He looked down to his brother, wondering if this was another fever dream.

“Don?” As Mikey’s hand tightened around Donnie’s, his eyes cracked open, still glazed with sickness, but clearly looking at his older brother.

Don could have cried in that moment if his tear ducts weren’t too tired to function. “I’m here Mikey!”

The whole gang had to suppress the urge to gather around the turtle, not wanting to crowd him.

“…Where are we?” Mikey asked, attempting to look around the room.

“Home.”

“Home?” His eyes widened slightly. “We made it?”

“Yeah Mikey. We did. We’re all home safe.”

The relief that swept through his features was immense, making Don smile slightly. It took the young turtle another moment to realize there was a paw on his head. “Sensei?”

“My son.” Splinter held the cloth in place as he leaned forward, smiling at his boy. “I am overjoyed to see you awake.”

Mikey gave a weak smile, his eyes closing as he released a long breath, clearly comforted at hearing his Father’s voice. “So… we’re all OK?” His tired mind was still trying to put the pieces together.

“All OK.” Don echoed.

Mikey flinched as wave of pain rolled through his temple while he fought to separate dream from reality. “Does that mean… Is Leo here?”

Again, all eyes landed on Don who’s gaze fell to the floor. “No Mikey…”

“So…” The young turtle swallowed hard, clutching Don’s hand tighter. “He’s really gone?”

Don looked up to see Splinter’s eyes widen in fear. It had only been for a moment, but it was enough. Too much. Don’s gut twisted with grief as he looked down at his brother’s pleading face. He was begging for Don to tell him it was a dream. A nightmare. But all the older turtle could do was nod his head. “I’m sorry…”

It was as if a bomb had exploded under the room. Everyone felt the ground beneath their feet crumbling, shaking their mental foundations.

“Master Splinter… I…” Mikey’s voice grew weaker each time he spoke. He wasn’t out of the woods yet; his fever was still fighting and his body weak. But he wanted to explain. He wanted to tell their Father how Leo had saved their lives.

“Rest my son.” Splinter placed his hand on Michelangelo’s cheek. “I will be here when you awake.”

It looked as though Mikey wanted to argue –to try and stay awake- but his mind took charge, closing his eyes and forcing him to sleep. Don checked his temperature once more; 103 degrees. Getting much better.

For almost ten minutes no one spoke. Casey and April sat beside Raph, eyes wide in disbelief. Leatherhead stood by the door, gaze still focused on the supplies he’d been counting, but mind clearly elsewhere.

And Splinter remained frozen in place, staring down at his youngest son.

Don couldn’t bear to look at any of them.

He could feel the tension in the room growing thicker with each passing minute, strangling what little strength he had from his body.

He should tell them.

No. No he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t talk about it. If he said it out loud, there was no taking it back. It wouldn’t just be real, it would be reality. His reality. One he knew he’d never be ready to face.

But they deserved to know.

Head bowing as his shoulders drooped, Don forced himself to say what his heart was still unwilling to accept. “Leo’s dead.”

His words cut through the silence like a hot blade, stopping hearts and stealing breath with one fell swoop.

Two words. That’s all it took.

A wall of disbelief and fear reached out and smacked every member of the room. All eyes were on Donatello.

“He got us to the escape boat. Had to take us one at time because we were all too weak to move. Then Shredder attacked.” He gulped, forcing himself keep going. “There was a bomb. The whole place was wired. And Shredder…. He was just too strong. He was going to kill us. Mikey, me, and Raph… he was going to kill us and take the ship. So Leo…” Don’s breath hitched as he tried to get control of himself.

_“Donnie, take off!”_

Everything in him wanted to shut down and die just so he wouldn’t have to remember. But the image was forever burned into his memory. “Leo held him off. He fought Shredder so we could get away.”

_“Don!”_

_“But Leo—“_

_“GO!”_

“Then it exploded. The whole complex… gone. And Leo—“ A choked sob escaped his lips before he could stop it. He inhaled deep, taking a moment to steady his voice, his hands still clutching Mikey’s. “Leo was still inside.”

Don heard a small, muffled whimper from behind him; April. He didn’t dare lift his gaze to look at any of them, but he could feel Casey seething. He closed his eyes in an attempt to shut out the world. Shut out the nightmare.

“Donatello,”

The purple-masked turtle flinched at his name. Not even his Father’s paw to his shoulder made him look up.

“Thank you for telling us.” Splinter’s voice sounded calm and even, but Don still couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes. He felt despair crushing him like a boulder to an ant.

So it was out there. Everyone knew.

It was real.

Leo was gone for good.

Don wanted so desperately to run from the room. To escape the sympathetic looks and the choked sobs and the veiled heartache. But he refused to leave his brothers. Shutting his eyes tighter, he clung to Mikey’s hand with both his, desperately trying to hold onto a reason for not going completely out of his mind right now.

He still had two brothers. He could still save them.

Casey suddenly excused himself from the room as a terrifying silence fell over the infirmary once more. Don blocked out everyone and everything except his brothers. He couldn’t handle trying to help the rest of the family with their grief when his was still too overpowering.

The wounds were still too fresh.

A few minutes later, April followed Casey out, leaving Leatherhead to watch over Raph as Don and Splinter sat by Mikey.

No one spoke.

There were no more words to be said.

 

* * *

 

Casey didn’t just leave the infirmary, he left the lair entirely. He needed some air. The news of Leo’s demise hit him hard and he didn’t want the others to hear him raging while they were still dealing with everything else.

He didn’t even make it a block before an unsuspecting trash can fell victim to his furry. He kicked it down a quiet alley, hurling all his pain and loss into every punt. Every time he looked at the can he pictured Shredder, wishing desperately it was really the maniac himself he was beating on right now. That sorry-excuse-for-a-human-being had hurt his family in ways Casey had never dared think of.

Physical torture. Emotional distress. And now he’d taken one of them away. Permanently.

“AAAAAH” Casey shouted in anger as his foot connected with the wastebin, sending it hard into the wall at the end of the alley. His temper got the better of him and he began punching the can, left and right, unloading every ounce of anger he’d ever felt on the innocent object.

“You useless piece of scrap metal! You took him!” The can dented and caved under the power of Casey’s furry. “You stole our brother! _My_ brother! My family!!!” Every word he spoke rose in volume, reflecting the growing anger in his attacks. “You stupid, arrogant, worthless pile of junk!” Punch after punch connected with metal. “I’ll kill you! You hear me!?” Shredder’s laugh filled his ears. “I’LL KILL YOU!”

He raised his fist in the air, coming down toward to the can with immense power when it was stopped suddenly.

Casey turned sharply to see who dared interrupt his rampage, hate and desperate anger blazing in his eyes.

April stood beside him, unfazed by his expression.

Eyes immediately softening, Casey dropped his gaze, falling to his knees in defeat. He knew he should say something, but no words came to mind.

April didn’t scold or reprimand. She knelt beside him, taking his hand in hers, sadness blanketing her features.

“It doesn’t feel real.” The softness in Casey’s voice made April squeeze his hand tighter. “It doesn’t feel like he’s gone. Just away… like he’ll show up any moment sayin’ ‘sorry for being late’ or somethin’. Like when he gets caught up in training and forgets that the world’s still moving around him, you know?”

April nodded; it was definitely like Leo to get into ‘focus mode’ and forget the concept of time.

“None of this feels real. None of it should be real! Mikey and Raph shouldn’t be dyin’, Don shouldn’t be forced to watch his family slip away, and Leo—“ His mind faltered, still trying to accept the truth. A long pause followed as Casey tried to find his voice. “It ain’t right. We shoulda been there. We coulda done somethin’.”

“Casey…”

“It’s just—“ He closed his eyes a moment, letting his emotions settle. “They’re family… you know? And now one of ‘em’s gone. And I just… I can’t stop feelin’ like I shoulda done somethin’.” He finally tore his gaze from the ground, looking April in the eyes. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

The brokenness of his tone gutted the red-head. She’d never heard Casey sound so defeated. She wanted to say something to make it better -to comfort or console him- but she agreed with everything he said. It didn’t feel real. None of it felt right. And guilt was just as present in her heart as it was in Casey’s eyes.

There was no comfort. No words would make this any better.

Nothing was bringing Leo back.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, April pulled the vigilante into a hug, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m going to miss him too…”

Casey snapped his eyes shut, pressing tighter into the hug.

I’m sorry Leo… I’m so sorry.

 

* * *

 

Several hours after Donatello broke the news of his eldest brother’s fate, Splinter was still reeling. His vision had been correct… his Leonardo was gone. At first, sitting with his remaining sons had kept him strong, reminding him of the family he still had. But the sorrow that consumed his spirit was becoming too much.

He needed a moment.

Checking both unconscious turtles, Splinter asked Leatherhead to keep an eye on Donatello as he stepped out to grab some tea.

But instead of heading for the kitchen, he went to the dojo.

In front of the picture of his wife and daughter, his son’s weapons remained as they’d been left: laying in order of age with a candle lit above each one. Splinter had lit the flames to help guide his sons back to him. Back home. And with Donatello recovering, he was relieved to be able to blow out the candle above the bo staff.

But his relief was strangled by his grief.

One glance at the katanas and it felt as though they’d pierced his heart.

His son was gone.

Splinter closed his eyes, trying desperately to hold himself together. His eldest son, their gifted leader, was no more. Again Saki had taken his family from him, and again Splinter had been helpless to stop it.

“Leonardo…” Grasping the katanas, Splinter’s mind overflowed with memories. Images of his eldest as he’d grown, learned to focus, learned to lead, learned to fight for what was good in the world. The moment he’d made his son leader. The many times he’d lead his brothers to victory.

But one memory stood out above them all: a very young Leonardo, cold and shivering, sitting beside three bedridden turtles.

_The younger brothers had all fallen ill with terrible flu’s, and Splinter ordered Leonardo to stay away from them, lest he fall sick as well. But that night had been a particularly cold one. Snow littered the surface roads and Don had been too young to configure a heating system for the lair. Splinter remembered the fear he’d felt that night; his children had never been ill before and he had no extra blankets, no medicine, and no knowledge of how to treat a sick turtle. He’d gone out to try and find anything that might help keep his children warm, but came up empty handed. He returned home, half frozen, and terrified his sons would freeze to death. But when he walked into Leonardo’s room, he found a sight that automatically calmed his fearful heart:_

_Raphael, Michelangelo, and Donatello all lay in a group, close enough to share both body heat and blankets. Beside them sat Leonardo; eyes closed, hands wrapped around himself, and shivering against the cold, with his blanket atop the sleeping turtles._

_Keeping watch over his younger brothers._

_The pride Splinter had felt in that moment was immense. His eldest had not only thought to use his siblings’ body heat to keep them warm, but he even surrendered his own blanket to the cause, despite the cold._

_“Sensei?” Leonardo’s tired eyes opened as he rubbed the sleep from them. “You’re home.”_

_“And you are supposed to be sleeping.” He paused before adding “Away from your brothers.”_

_Leonardo looked down sheepishly, trying to explain why he’d disobeyed. “They were coughing… I wanted to make sure they were OK.”_

_Splinter sat beside his toddlers, feeling their feverish foreheads and elated to find they were closer to a normal temperature than when he’d left. “Did you move them together?”_

_Leonardo nodded. “They were cold. I thought they’d be warmer.” The young turtle noticed the frost on his Father’s whiskers. “Sensei, are you cold too?”_

_“I am fine Leonardo.” But before he could reassure his son further, Leo had already crawled up to sit on his lap, one eye still on his brothers._

_“I can keep you warm.”_

_Splinter felt his son shiver against his chest; the poor boy was freezing and still thought of others’ needs before his own. He wrapped an arm around his eldest, holding him close. “Thank you my son.”_

_Settling into Splinter’s embrace, Leonardo looked up and noticed the concern in his Father’s eyes as he stared at the sleeping brothers. “Don’t worry Sensei.”_

_He peeked down at his son. “Hm?”_

_“When I put them together, they felt better.”_

_Splinter looked to the younger turtles and noticed their sleep indeed seemed more restful._

_“So as long as we’re together, we’ll be OK.” Leonardo looked up at his Father with big, tired, blue eyes. “Right, Sensei?”_

_A small, helpless smile crept across Splinter’s face. “Yes my son.” He wrapped his other arm around the small turtle, cradling him in what warmth he could offer._

“As long as we’re together, we’ll be OK.”

He’d known since that moment that his eldest would put his family above his own needs. Every time. And he knew one day it might cost him his life.

In the darkness of his room, grief overcame the Father, crushing him with it’s raw power. He gripped Leo’s katanas to his chest as his body quaked from the flood of emotion.

“Oh, my son!”

Splinter wept.

 

* * *

 

As the lair drowned in it’s sorrows, a storm rolled in over New York. Rain clouds spouting thick droplets covered the city, dousing everything in a blanket of water. Thunder clapped so loud it shook the ground while lightning ripped through the sky, inching it’s way closer to the unsuspecting buildings below.

Several hours into the storm, the rain continued it’s torrential downfall. Such a tempest had not been seen by the city in years, unrelenting in it’s power. Thunder and lightning erupted continuously, forcing citizens to remain indoors.

And then it happened. Lightning struck a power plant, causing an explosion that could be seen from miles away. Like a switch being flicked off, the city of lights fell dark and still. People shouted in anger and fear as their technology no longer functioned.

Lights tuned off. Televisions went black.

And below the surface, in a small room where a family desperately cried for hope, a homemade life support system shut down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, it's cheesy. Sue me. I'm a sucker for Father/son relationships.


	19. When it Rains, it Pours

Fear. It surrounded him. Choked him.

His heart pumped a mile a minute as his eyes darted in every direction. Where was he? Where was the prison? Where were his brothers?

A sound behind him; metal tapping the floor.

Ting. Ting. Ting.

“Who’s there?” His voice echoed in the darkness, adding to the terror holding his nerves hostage. “Hello?”

No answer. Whatever it was had disappeared. He was alone.

Everything was dark except the small spotlight surrounding him. What was this place? His mind tapped at his shoulder, telling him someone –something- was behind him. He turned sharply—

Nothing. Blackness.

“Guys? Anyone here? Hello?” His calls were swallowed by the shadows around him.

Ting. Ting. Ting.

More tapping, this time closer. So much closer. He froze, not daring to turn around for fear of what he’d find. His body was paralyzed with dread as every muscle screamed to run away, yet dared not move.

Something brushed against his shoulder.

He jumped, turning with arms raised, ready to defend himself.

Nothing. No one there.

The sound crawled ever closer, echoing in all directions.

Ting. Ting. Ting.

He breathed deep, trying to keep himself calm, but his heart pounded wildly in his chest, sending adrenaline to every inch of his body.

“Is anyone there?”

Ting. Ting. Ting.

The tapping metal consumed his senses, drowning out all other sounds and forcing away all logical thought.

“Go away!”

Ting. Ting. Ting.

He shook, terror strangling his every muscle.

Ting. Ting. Ting.

A sword appeared beside him. He gripped it with both hands, holding it in front of him in desperate defense. “Leave me alone!”

Ting. Ting. Ting.

It inched closer.

Ting. Ting.

And closer.

“Don’t—“

It grabbed his shoulder from behind.

“AH!” he turned, closing his eyes as he thrust the sword into the demon that had come for him.

He heard a groan as the sword pierced flesh, filling the room with the scent of blood. Peeking an eye open, he dared look at his attacker.

“No…” His heart froze as he stared in horror at what he’d done.

Before him stood Raph, the sword through his shoulder, and blood dripping to the floor. “…Mikey…”

“No!” He pulled the sword free, throwing it away in disgust. “What just—“

“Mikey… why?” Blood dripped from Raph’s mouth.

“I didn’t mean— I thought you were—“ He caught the older turtle who’d started to fall forward. “No, Raph! S-Stay with me! I’m sorry!! I didn’t mean to! I just—“ Words failed as he felt blood dripping down his hands. His brother’s blood.

“How could you…?”

A new kind of fear gripped his heart as he stared at his hands. At the wound he’d inflicted. At the betrayal in his brother’s eyes. “I—“

“Mikey…” Raph’s eyes closed.

“NO!” He clung tightly to his brother. “No, Raph! Come on! P-Please! You gotta stay awake!” His body trembled as his heart thumped wildly in his chest.

Raph sighed out a final breath.

“No…. No, no, no, NO!” His eyes widened in fear. What had he done!? “RAPH!!!!!”

Suddenly his brother was gone. Swallowed by the void.

“NO! Raph, come back!”

He was alone once more. Blood still dripping from his hands. “Raph, I—“

Ting. Ting. Ting.

It was back. It was still coming for him. His breath came in gasps as he tried desperately to control his fear. “G-Go away!”

Ting. Ting. Ting.

Terror engulfed him. The creature was in front of him.

Ting. Ting.

It lifted it’s blade and all he could do was throw his arms in front of his face for protection.

Clash! Metal against metal. He peeked up to see someone holding back the shrouded creature. It couldn’t be…

“Leo?” His heart fluttered. His brother was alive!? “Leo!”

“Go Mikey.”

“NO! I’m not leaving you!” Not again. Not EVER again!

“Quick! I can’t hold him off for long! You have to leave!” Leo struggled to keep the creature at bay, his swords crossed in front of him as the creature fought to press forward. Leo felt his feet sliding backwards. “Now Mikey!”

“I can’t!” His entire body wouldn’t let him. It cried for him to stay with his brother. He lunged forward, desperation becoming courage, as he dove at the creature. Suddenly he was kicked aside, skidding to the floor away from the battle. His head shot up to see Leo impaled by the monster. His brother had pushed him out of harms way. “Leo…” Words failed again as his heart stopped. “NO!”

The creature tossed the brother aside, leaving the bloodied corpse on the floor before disappearing back into the shadows.

“LEO!” He crawled towards his brother, but the darkness engulfed the body before he could get there. “NO! Give him back!” He pounded at the ground. “Give my brothers back!!!!”

Ting. Ting. Ting.

Fear was replaced with rage as he grabbed up his brother’s katanas, readying for attack.

The tapping stopped.

Nothing but darkness remained. He looked around, trying to find anything in the shadows. “Come back here, you coward!”

“Coward, turtle?”

Behind him. But he couldn’t move. His body was frozen. Paralyzed. That voice…

“And what does that make you?”

The creature stood inches from his back. He screamed for his muscles to move! Do something! He finally managed to turn.

Pain. A sudden fiery stinging ran through his body, starting from his stomach. He blinked, looking down. Two blades jutted from his lower torso, connected to a metal gauntlet. His eyes crawled up to see the creature’s face as blood poured from the wound.

“…Shredder!”

“Sayonara, turtle.”

Another blade came down at his face.

He screamed.

 

* * *

 

“Mikey!” Don struggled to hold his brother still as he flailed about, head tossing in the throes of another fever dream. “Hold still!” It was a desperate demand, knowing full well his brother couldn’t control his movements.

Blood seeped through the bandages around Mikey’s chest wound; he’d torn his stitches again. Leatherhead sat opposite Don, helping to hold the young turtle.

A blood curdling scream suddenly erupted from Mikey’s throat, freezing the room with it’s power. Both scientists looked down at their patient, eyes wide with worry.

Leatherhead grabbed another cold compress as Don took hold of his brother’s hand, holding it tight and screwing his eyes shut, silently begging his brother to wake. “It’s OK Mikey! I’ve got you!” You’re safe.

 

* * *

 

Blood soaked his vision. Everything was fading. The spotlight around him began to shrink as darkness encroached on his crumpled body.

Suddenly he felt arms around him, lifting him from the floor with their comfort. “It’s OK Mikey. I’ve got you.”

He looked up to see his brother smiling down at him, no fear in his eyes. “Donnie…” He breathed in relief. “You’re here!”

“That’s it… breathe.”

“Don I— Raph… I couldn’t stop— and then Leo— and he was here! He stabbed me!”

Don held him closer, the smile never leaving his face as light forced the darkness further and further away from the area. “I know… it’s all gone wrong. But that’s why you have to be OK. We need you Mikey.”

The darkness had all but disappeared, leaving the two turtles surrounded by a warm light.

He took a deep breath, feeling his heart finally slowing down.

“That’s it little bro…”

He clung to his older brother, the blood on his body disappearing as he felt comfort wash over him. “Donnie…”

“I’m right here, Mikey. I’m not going anywhere.”

He wasn’t alone. Donnie was with him. The darkness was held at bay by his older brother’s comforting arms.

He was safe.

 

* * *

 

Mikey’s heart beat so rapidly, Don had Leatherhead get the paddles ready in case it stopped from the stress. Splinter had barreled into the room after Mikey’s scream and was now sitting beside his son, holding his hand and whispering words of comfort in his ear as they tried to calm his movements.

As suddenly as it had started, Mikey’s thrashing stopped. His head stilled as he gasped in a few breaths.

“That’s it,” Don moved one hand to his brother’s shoulder, the other still grasping his hand. “Breathe…”

Mikey’s brow furrowed as his lips parted, croaking out two words. “Raph… Leo…”

Don tensed, stealing a glance at his older brother behind him. He closed his eyes a moment as he tried to reign in the emotions sweeping through his body. “I know… It’s all gone wrong.” Their brothers should be here. Their family should be whole. Shredder shouldn’t have won. None of this was right. Forgetting for a moment that others were in the room, Don gulped in a breath, looking down at his brother with sadness in his eyes. “But that’s why you have to be OK.” He gripped the turtle’s hand tighter. “We need you Mikey…” His smile, his positivity, his I’m-sure-we’ll-all-pull-through-this attitude. Don needed his little brother now more than ever.

Splinter saw the sadness in his son’s eyes and reached over to place a paw on his shoulder. Don looked up, reminded that there were others in the room, before his gaze was drawn back to Mikey whose breath was finally slowing to normal.

“That’s it little bro…” They were getting through to him. Don didn’t know how, but for once in his life, he didn’t care. He’d gladly wave a magic wand singing “bibbidi bobbidi- boo” if it kept his family with him.

“Donnie…”

The genius turtle looked down at his younger brother as he felt his hand being squeezed ever so slightly. A relieved sigh escaped his lips. “I’m right here, Mikey. I’m not going anywhere.”

Splinter watched his children, a sad smile in his eyes; he was touched to see them cling to each other for comfort, but wished it could be in different circumstances. He could see his middle child clinging to sanity by a thread. In truth, he felt the same; if they lost another piece of their family, he wasn’t sure he could stay strong enough to help who was left.

His time in the dojo had been cleansing, albeit difficult. For the first time in years he’d allowed tears to flow freely, remembering his eldest, clinging to every memory that ran through his head. But he only allowed himself a few moments, knowing full well he still had children who needed him by their side. It had taken longer than he thought to pull himself together again, wiping away any traces of tears and gathering his mental fortitude, but it had been necessary. Allowing himself to feel the grief –even if only for those few moments- would help him stay strong for his remaining family.

He had been on his way to get the tea he’d fibbed about before leaving, when he heard Michelangelo’s cry. It had sounded like his son was being ripped apart, a feeling that mirrored his own spirit at having to listen to such a sound from his youngest. Finding out it was a fever dream was only mildly relieving. But seeing how Donatello was able to calm his brother, lending what little strength he had to keep the younger at ease… it warmed Splinter’s heart.

Rubbing a hand on Michelangelo’s cheek and giving Donatello a comforting nod, Splinter stood to check on his third child.

The eldest of the group, now.

Leatherhead had moved to sit by the red-banded turtle when he saw Mikey’s breath finally calm, so Splinter sat opposite him, taking in his son’s pale features. If not for the machine beeping as proof of a heartbeat, Splinter would have thought his son to be dead. A shudder ran up his spine at the thought. “How is he?”

Leatherhead looked to the machine beside the turtle. “Unchanged.” It hurt him to say it out loud. “His vitals are still low.” Far too low for comfort. There was no way they could operate with Raph as weak as he was, but if they didn’t do something soon… there was only so much fight a broken body could put up.

Splinter glanced at Leatherhead, noting the sadness in his features. His shoulders slouched and his head hung low, eyeing all the many injuries on the turtle before him. The rat placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You have done all you can. I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for my family…”

The alligator narrowed his eyes, looking to the floor. He wouldn’t argue out loud, but he certainly disagreed. He knew it wasn’t his fault the turtles were hurt, but that didn’t stop the guilt that welled up every time he looked at their battered forms. No matter what the situation that caused their pain, the truth was inescapable: he’d failed to help in time. When he’d been held captive, he was at the point of begging for death if it meant escaping the pain. But before death came for him, the turtles found him first. They’d freed him from his prison, freed him from the torment and experiments, and were even willing to shelter him and find him a home, despite how dangerous he could be. Despite the monster inside him.

They had saved his life that day. And every day since with their comradery and friendship. They became the one thing he never thought he’d have again: family.

And now, when his family who’d done so much for him, needed him most… he hadn’t been there.

The guilt was eating him alive.

He was careful not to let it show, fully understanding that this group had enough to deal with without having to comfort him. But when this was all over –whatever the ending may be- he was sure he could never call these people his family again.

…He didn’t deserve to.

Splinter squeezing his shoulder brought him back from his thoughts. “My friend… do not burden yourself with guilt. This was Saki’s doing, not yours. There is nothing you could have done.”

Leatherhead let the words sink in, feeling the sincerity in Splinter’s voice. The rat was far too observant. He breathed deep, not wanting to be a burden in such a difficult time. “Thank you, Master Splinter.” He wasn’t sure he believed the statement, but he thoroughly appreciated the sentiment behind it.

The two sat in silence as Splinter settled close to his son’s head, placing gentle hands on his chest and arm, whispering healing mantras. It was unlikely they would help in this situation, but he would try nonetheless. He had to do what he could to keep his family together.

_“As long as we’re together, we’ll be OK.”_

 

* * *

 

Mikey felt a calm warmth that he hadn’t felt in days. He was back home, in his bed, staring at a poster of Optimus Prime he’d snagged from the garbage a few years back. Everything was here: his skateboard, his blankets, his video games… and his family. Leonardo was in the dojo, practicing katas –as usual- while Donnie sat at his computer, typing furiously between bouts of writing in his notebook and talking to himself. Raph was nearby, lying on a bench, pressing weights above his chest.

This was home.

“Hey doofus, what’s with the face?” Raph called to him, setting the weights down and wiping his face with a towel.

“Hm? This face?” Mikey pointed at himself. “Can’t take your eyes off it, can you? I know, I have that same problem in the mirror every morning.” A sweaty towel suddenly chucked at his head covered his face.

“There… that’s better.”

Mikey smiled, overflowing with joy at being picked on by his brother. That was an odd thing to be excited about. A sudden desperate need to see his other siblings forced him from his bed. He didn’t know where it came from, but he obeyed it. “Hey Don!” He called, skating to his brother’s computer. “Whattya workin’ on?”

Donnie had a finger in front of him, writing equations in the air that only he could see.

“Hellooo! Earth to Donnie! Come in D-man!”

“That’s it!!” The purple-clad turtle smiled as he typed something in his computer before staring at it with pride.

“What did you do now? Hack a satellite so we can get more TV channels?”

“Not quite Mikey. I figured out an new algorithm for proving my hypothesis on—“

“Aaaaand, you’ve lost me already.”

Don shook his head. “Nevermind. What did you need?”

“Nothin’,” Mikey threw an arm around his brother’s shoulder. “My devastatingly good looks were bothering the red Hulk upstairs, so I decided to grace you with my company instead! You can feel free to bask in my awesomeness.”

Don’s eyes rolled as a smirk crossed his face. “Gee, don’t I feel… graced.” He plucked Mikey’s arm from his shoulder, turning him back towards the main room. “Why don’t you take your awesomeness and go bask Leo for a while. I have calculations I need to finish.”

Mikey didn’t need to be told twice, he was already on his way over. Leo was in the middle of a particularly difficult kata when Mikey suddenly burst into the dojo, throwing him off balance. He jumped from the barrel he’d been standing on before he fell.

“Yo bro!” Mikey called, skating around his brother. “Whattya up to? Wait, lemme guess…” He hopped from his board, stomping the back ridge so it flipped up into his hand. “You were practicing your serious face. “

Leo also rolled his eyes. “Actually it was my Mikey’s-being-annoying face. It’s my most overused expression.”

“Har Har.” As Leo sheathed his swords, Mikey stared, feeling a sudden sadness come over him. It was powerful… to the point of making him dizzy. The urge to hug his brother was so strong, he couldn’t stop himself from dropping his board and throwing his arms around the other, pulling him close.

“…Mikey?” Leo’s hands were frozen above his head as he stared down at his little brother quizzically. “Everything Ok?”

“Yeah…” A tear fell from Mikey’s eye before he even realized it was watering. “I’m just… glad you’re here.”

The elder looked to his brother with concern. “Alright, what’s going on? Did you have a nightmare or something?”

“Or something…” He didn’t actually know what it was. But grief like he’d never known gripped his heart as he held his brother. His body began to shake and he buried his face in Leo’s chest, trying to steady himself. What was this all of a sudden?

“Mikey…” Leo brought his arms down to wrap around the younger turtle, holding him tight. “It’s OK. Whatever it was, it’s over now.” He placed a hand on his brother’s head as Mikey lifted his gaze. Sad eyes met Leo’s strong smile. “You’re safe. I promise.”

“What’s with the waterworks? Did he watch that stupid ‘Notebook’ thing again?” Raph’s gruff voice intruded on the tender moment as both Leo and Mikey turned to their brother.

“Caught some dust in his eye while he was skating around.” Leo winked down at his brother, both still holding each other.

“Right. Fell off is more—“ Raph had placed his hand on Mikey’s shoulder and felt him trembling. “Mikey…?” He looked from Leo to the younger, who wiped a tear from his eye. “Alright, who am I poundin’?”

“He’s fine. Just a nightmare.”

“What kind of nightmare?” Donnie entered the room, stopping next to Raph as Mikey pulled away from Leo. “You OK Mikey?”

“It was just…” He tried to find the words to describe it, but fell short. “I dunno… it felt so real. You guys were—… and then Leo—… and I thought I’d never see you again.“ He frowned, annoyed that for once he was speechless. “It was stupid. Nevermind.”

“Hey,” Leo put a hand to his shoulder. “It’s not stupid to worry about your family.” Or at least, that’s what Leo guessed his brother was driving at. “We’ve all been there. Even the emotionally stunted one over there.” He nodded to Raph who rolled his eyes at the jab.

“According to several theories, doubt and critical thinking are repressed during dreams, so it probably was real, at least to your mind.” Leo gave Don a look that made him rephrase. “Nothing wrong with being afraid of a dream, Mikey. But that’s all it was; we’re all here, safe and sound.” He placed his hand on the younger’s other shoulder.

“Besides, dream or not, what force in the universe could keep us down?” Raph asked rhetorically, knowing he probably didn’t want the answer to that question. He put a hand on his brother’s head, ruffling imaginary hair. “Don’t worry bro, we’re here to stay, whether you like it not.”

Mikey stood in the middle of his brothers, feeling safer and more comforted than he ever had. Another tear escaped his eye as he smiled wide, wishing he could stay in this moment forever. “Aw, I love you bros!”

“Alright, enough with the sap!” Raph grabbed Mikey in a headlock, giving his noggin a good noogie as Donnie laughed and Leo shook his head.

“Foul play! We were having a moment! Come on Ref, where’s the flag!?”

“Sorry Mikey, you’re on your own on this one.” Don put his hands up, not wanting to feel the wrath of Raph for interfering.

The orange-masked turtle looked around at his brothers, happiness like he’d never felt settling over him. Where this relief came from, he didn’t know, but he accepted it without question.

His eyes fell on Leo, staring again.

Suddenly, it all fell apart.

Darkness descended upon the room, pulling the brothers apart in an attempt to drag them to it’s depths. Raph was torn from his younger brother, barely able to shout at the sudden intrusion.

“No!” Mikey grabbed for Raph as he was engulfed by the darkness. “Raph!!!” His attention was drawn to Donnie as he clawed at the ground, trying to fight the pull of the void. “Hang on Don!” But then he was gone. Mikey turned to his remaining brother, running to grab his hand before he disappeared. “Leo!!”

“Mikey!!” Their hands met, clinging desperately to each other, fear streaking through both pairs of eyes. Both used all their strength to try and pull free.

Finally, the darkness released it’s hold, leaving Mikey and Leo standing together, staring at the emptiness around them.

“Thanks bro.”

“I got your back, dude.” Mikey held his hand tight.

Suddenly Leo’s face twisted into a sadistic smile.

_“Mikey. Take Mikey.”_

The young turtle’s eyes widened. “What!?”

The ground beneath his feet disappeared and Mikey fell into the void, screaming as he was surrounded by darkness.

Suddenly he was lying down, unable to move. He heard worried voices whispering around him. It sounded like… Donnie? The fog fell away as Mikey realized he was awake and the darkness was his eyelids remaining closed.

It was a dream. It had all been a dream. …Right?

He felt something cold on his head, and someone holding his hand. He squeezed it, trying to let them know he was OK.

“Mikey?”

Brow furrowing when he tried to open his eyes, he fought the fatigue and headache as the person next to him squeezed his hand. “Donnie…?” Had to be Donnie.

“I’m here Mikey.”

It took another minute, but he finally managed enough strength to peel eyelid from eyelid. The light made him flinch, closing his eyes again before blinking to let his pupils adjust. “Where…” His mind still fought to tell dream from reality.

“We’re home, remember?”

He felt Don squeeze his hand once more. “Home…” He tried to look around, but his vision was still settling. “…Sensei?” He coughed; his throat felt like a cheese grater, cutting him with every word he spoke.

Don put a hand to his shoulder, holding him steady. “He’s in the kitchen with April, making some food and tea for everyone.” Casey and April had just returned, bringing food; it had been a while since anyone had eaten anything. They had insisted that Splinter come help them for some reason, likely that they wanted to talk to him about something. But Don was too tired and too focused on his siblings to think on it too long.

“Pizza?” Mikey’s eyes seemed to brighten at the thought of food, despite his nausea.

Don couldn’t help a small chuckle. “I doubt it. Besides, you get nothing but fluids for at least another few days.”

“…Pizza shake?”

“That’s… disgusting.” Don made a face as he shook his head. “Would you actually drink that?”

“Dude… you even have… to ask?”

The older turtle smiled; his brother’s voice was hoarse and weak, but his personality was lively as ever. And his temperature was finally dropping within normal parameters.

He was alive. Weak, but alive. And that knowledge alone was enough to make Don want to weep like a child. For two days he’d been terrified of being left an only child… hearing his brother talk again was like back in the prison when he’d finally breathed after nearly drowning. When Leo saved his life…

“Don…?” The young turtle noticed the sadness in his brother’s eyes and squeezed his hand. “You… alright bro?”

The older laughed a single guffaw. “Me? You’re the one we’re worried about, remember?”

Mikey looked his brother over, taking note of the many bandages covering his body. “You sure…?” He could see dark circles around Don’s bloodshot eyes; it looked like he hadn’t slept in a week.

“I’m fine Mikey.” He’d had a good hour of sleep a while back when his adrenaline was depleted. It had been anything but restful, but at least it was technically sleep. “It’s just… good to hear your voice again.”

The younger turtle offered a weak smile, squeezing his brother’s hand. Drawing in a long breath, Mikey could feel exhaustion clouding his mind again. He’d been sleeping forever, how could he still be this tired? His head throbbed in pain, reminding him of how sick he’d been. Alright… maybe it made sense. But he wasn’t ready to sleep again… not yet. “Where…?” He tried to look around the room, but moving his head like that just made him dizzy. “Where’s Raph…?” He asked, realizing he hadn’t seen or heard from his hot-tempered brother since… when? The ship?

Don seemed to cloud with despair at the mention of their brother’s name, which sent Mikey’s heart racing with fear. No… they can’t have lost him too! “Don?” He stared at his brother with terror in his eyes. “…Where is he?” His heart pumped faster, making his head throb ever more. “Is he…?”

“Hey, take it easy.” Don held his brother still as Mikey’s body began to shake. “He’s alive, Mikey…”

“…Where?”

Don looked over his shoulder and Mikey followed his gaze, slowly turning his head. His eyes widened in fear.

Raph looked like a corpse with how pale his skin was; normally a dark, rich green, now looked faded and dull… almost whitewashed. His breath was so weak Mikey couldn’t even see his chest rise and fall. The only thing that told him his brother was still among the living was the beeping of the machine beside him.

“Is he… gonna be OK?” Mikey’s voice squeaked, his already sore throat tightening with worry.

Don didn’t answer right away. His gaze fell to the floor as he tried to find the right words. “He’s… alive. That’s what important right now.”

Not the answer Mikey was hoping for. His eyes stared at Raph in distress. “Anything we… can do?”

“Yeah,” Don took a deep breath, burying his emotions once more as he put his hand back on his brother’s shoulder. “Get better.”  
Mikey couldn’t tear his eyes away from Raph; there had to be something more he could do…

“Michelangelo.”

Mikey’s heart jumped at the sound of his Father before even turning to see his face. “Sensei…!”

Splinter reached down and took his hand, holding it in both his own. “I am here, my son.”

“We missed you…” Mikey gulped, trying to wet his mouth so he could speak again. “Almost thought… we’d never see you… again.” He clung to his Master’s hand with what little strength he had, beyond relieved to be back with his Father.

His words cut Splinter to the core. “I missed you as well.” Not a word in English or Japanese was strong enough for how much. “You are safe now. Everything will be alright.”

“Sensei…” Mikey tried to keep talking, but his throat was on fire and his head throbbed like it was going to explode.

“Shhh,” Splinter caressed his son’s cheek with the back of his hand. “Rest, my son. Your body needs time to heal.”

Mikey rolled his head to the side, staring at his injured brother once more. He couldn’t go back to sleep… he was afraid of what he’d dream. Afraid of what he’d wake up to. Afraid he wouldn’t wake up at all. “I want… to sit with him.” He nodded towards Raph.

Don glanced back at their older brother before putting a hand to his head, rubbing it absently. “We could move his bed closer.” He offered to Splinter.

Nodding in agreement, the two carefully moved Michelangelo’s bed so it was beside Raph’s.

Mikey reached over and laid a hand on his brother’s arm, flinching at how cold it felt. “Hey bro… ”

Don sat on the other side of the bed, checking vitals and tucking the blanket in around Raph’s body.

“You’re gonna be OK.”

Don looked up at Mikey as he spoke to their unconscious brother.

“Hear me, bro? You’re gonna be OK.”

Turning away to the machine, Don focused his attention anywhere but his siblings. His mind was split in two: half of him knowing Raph had no chance of survival, the other half refusing to accept that as a possibility. His tired mind waged war on itself, hope fighting desperately against logic. Don took a deep breath and put a hand on Raph’s uninjured arm. He couldn’t speak the words of comfort he so desperately wanted to say because he was afraid he wouldn’t believe them, but he could at least be here, keeping watch.

As Splinter watched his children hold to each other for hope, Leatherhead, April, and Casey were all in the kitchen. The two young adults had come back with food after they’d taken a walk… a long walk. Casey’s outburst was only the beginning of dealing with their grief, and they didn’t want to burden the others when they were sure to be fighting those same emotions. Their walk was cut short, however, by a rain cloud that descended over the city, spouting rain in buckets. Both April and Casey had to stop at home to grab a change of clothes after being in the storm for only several minutes.

“You don’t think this place could flood, do you?” April asked as she stirred the soup she’s made.

“No way, Red.” He pulled several bowls from the cupboards, laying them out on the table for April to fill. “After the flood they had a few years ago, Don set up a ton of preventions so it couldn’t happen again.” What they were exactly, Casey couldn’t recall. Or maybe he hadn’t been listening that well. Either way…

“Are you sure? Normally I wouldn’t worry about it, but with the kind of luck these guys have, it might be a legitimate concern.”

Casey snorted at that. “Heh, you can say that again.” The turtles weren’t exactly known for avoiding worst-case scenarios.

“Perhaps I should go check the perimeter.” Leatherhead volunteered. “I have no doubt in Donatello’s engineering skills, but it would bring peace of mind to know what measures he has in place. If something were to happen, Raphael would not survive being moved around for long…”

All three glanced at the infirmary.

“Would you mind?” April turned back to the scientist. “I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about, but I’d just—“

“I understand.” Leatherhead nodded, standing to leave. “I will return soon.”

“Here.” April tossed him the headset. “Just in case.”  
Again nodding, Leatherhead made for the exit. He didn’t like the idea of being away from the turtles while they were still injured, but it would be good for him to get some air… he needed to clear his head.

“Don’t worry, Red.” Casey put a hand to April’s tense shoulder. “This family may have a knack for gettin’ into trouble, but they’re really good at gettin’ out of it too.” He wrapped his arms around her from behind, feeling her relax into the hug. “We’ll be OK.”

April breathed, trying to calm her nerves. “Right.” Think positive. Had to keep thinking positive.

 

* * *

 

Several hours after Leatherhead left, he still hadn’t returned. Apparently there was flooding near on of the tunnels connecting to the lair and he was making sure it wouldn’t make it to the turtles.

April kept the walkie talkie with her as she sat in the infirmary. Her worries had eased slightly after seeing Mikey awake and talking; it was beyond a relief hearing him joke again. She’d already been talked into promising him pizza the minute he was well enough for it. He was on the mend, letting April breathe a little easier. That was two turtles safe –albeit worse for wear. That just left Raph… if they could find a way to help him pull through, they might actually have a chance at keeping this family from falling apart.

And while she was beyond ready to see the turtles healed, healthy, and back to normal, a part of her dreaded that moment. Because she knew once the fear of losing a sibling was gone, once the horror of what had happened wasn’t staring them in the face anymore, they’d all have to face that terrifying truth that would remain:

Leo was gone.

That reality was going to drop on them like a ton of bricks, crushing them beneath it’s power.

After seeing how strong this family was in the worst circumstances, April held out hope that they could stick together and work through it. But Leo was their leader… it wasn’t the kind of void that could be filled easily, if at all. And as much as she wanted to believe they would hold each other up and work through it together, it was also possible that losing a member of the family could tear them apart.

Shaking her head, April tossed such thoughts aside: now wasn’t the time to worry about it. Right now they had to focus on keeping the remaining three alive. That was all that mattered.

“Mikey! Hey, hold up!” Casey shouted as the young turtle winced in pain from pushing himself to a sitting position.

“I’m fine.” Mikey said through gritted teeth, trying to ignore the pain, dizziness, and nausea that swept through him as he moved.

“Dude, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be—“

“I want to be with him.” He said adamantly, still gritting his teeth against the pain. “I want to be with Raph. He needs to know we’re here for him.” And lying down wasn’t being present enough; he kept falling asleep.

Casey’s eyes softened as he looked at the orange-banded turtle. Don moved from his spot beside Raph to sit next to the youngest. “It’s alright Casey, I got him.”

Helping Mikey to a sitting position –slowly- Don placed himself slightly behind his brother, allowing the younger to lean on him for support so he wouldn’t fall over. It took Mikey a minute to get used to the new position, dizziness making him feel like he was falling. But Don’s arm around his shoulder kept him steady. “Better?” The older asked.

“Better.” Mikey nodded. “Thanks Don.”

Casey moved so he wasn’t crowding the two, sitting on the opposite side of the unconscious turtle while Splinter sat at the head, his paw on Raphael’s forehead. All four were touching the turtle in support: on an arm, a hand, a shoulder. They wanted him to know he wasn’t alone.

As April stared at the group from across the room, she couldn’t help but shake the feeling that something terrible was going to happen. Mikey was finally healing, Don would probably make a full recovery –assuming he managed to get some sleep before his body quit on him- and Raph was going to get well again… April truly believed it.

Their family was home. Not whole, not unscathed, but home… and yet something in the back of her mind screamed panic. Perhaps it was her worry for Raph? Or her despair over Leo? Or maybe it was the fact that she’d barely slept for almost a week. Whatever it was—

Suddenly the lair was engulfed by darkness. All lights turned off, snuffing out any hope that had been in the room seconds before.

“A power outage?” April asked aloud, completely unable to see anyone or anything that wasn’t two feet in front of her.

“I’ll go check it out. Don, where’re the emergency generat—“

Don cursed, loudly, surprising everyone in the room into silence; Don never cursed. He was suddenly leaning Mikey on Splinter so he could bow over Raph, pressing an ear to his chest. Splinter’s eyes widened in understanding as another expletive burst from Don’s throat, panic seizing every thought. Before anyone had a chance to blink, he was already pressing on his brother’s chest, pumping his heart.

Casey’s eyes widened when it finally clicked: no power, no life support. And Raph wasn’t strong enough to breathe on his own.

“Son of a—“

“The generators are just below the main room, but they should have kicked on by now if they were working.” Don’s voice was quick with frenzy as he tried to think of what to do. “There should be a flashlight in my desk drawer.” He nodded toward the other end of the lab. “Take it and the toolbox, see if you can’t get us some power.”

Casey nodded, taking one last glance at Raph before grabbing the supplies and booking it from the room, tripping on the door before turning on the flashlight.

“April, there’s a BVM in the med room on the emergency cart.”

Not waiting for further instruction, April ran to the adjacent room.

“BVM?” Mikey asked, trying to keep up with what was going on.

“A manual breathing mask.” Don replied quickly, his mind racing as he tried to keep Raph’s heart beating. Why? Why did this have to happen now? Hadn’t they been through enough? Don stared at his older brother, his mind pulled back to those prison cells.

_“Breathe, Raph. Fight. Wake up!”_

He remembered the desperation in Leo’s voice. He remembered the terror that had gripped his heart. And he remembered that all he wished for in that moment was to be at Raph’s side, fighting to keep him alive.

Now he was finally free of the prison and yet still felt helpless as ever.

“Raph?” Mikey scoot closer to his brother, Splinter holding his shoulders so he didn’t fall over. “Come on bro… you gotta hang in there.” His voice sounded like it was on the verge of breaking. Just like Don’s sanity.

April rushed back into the room, the mask in her hand. “Got it!” Placing it over Raph’s mouth, she began pumping, counting three seconds in between each puff of air.

Don continued compressions, still trying desperately to think of something –anything!- they could do that would keep his brother going until they got the life support running. Atropine and Epinephrine were possibilities, but they could just as easily push his body over the edge by working too hard as they could save his life. And there was only so long he could give his brother CPR before his wounds opened up again. What he wouldn’t give to be in a real hospital right now with access to their equipment. Or at least some vasopressin!

“Don, what do we do!?” Mikey finally asked, glancing from one brother to the other.

“I—“ He couldn’t think. Everything in him was too focused on the idea that Raph wasn’t going to make it. That they’d lose another brother. And that it’d be his fault for not doing something.

For the second time, a thought crept into Donnie’s mind, unwelcome, but unwilling to leave: he’s not going to make it anyway, he was too injured; bled for too long. Why not just let him pass in peace?

The thought made Don nauseous. He felt like he physically had to push the idea out of his mind, absolutely refusing to let it settle in. He would not give up on his brother. He couldn’t.

“Don!?” Mikey asked again, the panic rising in his voice.

“I’m thinking!” He shouted, fortunate that the darkness was absolute so the others couldn’t see the fear in his eyes. Had to think. What could he do!? “Sensei, we need light.” He heard his father steady Mikey before rushing from the room. “Mikey I need your help.” His younger brother straightened, ignoring the throbbing in his head as he moved. “I need you to take the bag from April.” He felt his brother tense beside him. “Just hold it in both hands and squeeze. Then count to three and squeeze again, ok?”

Mikey nodded, forgetting the others probably couldn’t see it. He took the bag in his hands, trying and failing to keep them steady. “One, two—“

“Slower. Keep a steady count.”

Mikey nodded, counting aloud again. “One, two, three.”

“Good. That’s good Mikey.” Don felt something warm beneath his hands; the two gashes on Raph’s chest must have opened up. He only hoped the stab wounds were unbothered by the movement. If they tore open, Raph was well and truly screwed.

“April, I need you to go—“

“—Check on Casey.” She finished, seeing where he was going.

“We need power.”

“I’m on it!” And she was out the door in the blink of an eye, trying to reach Leatherhead on the walkie talkie as she left.

Splinter entered the room with a flashlight and several candles- it was all the light they had in the lair. He turned the flashlight on Raph’s chest so Don could see what he was doing. The purple-banded turtle breathed a small sigh of relief at seeing the bandages over Raph’s shoulder weren’t soaking with blood; his stab wounds were still closed.

“Dude, he’s bleeding!” Mikey cried, noticing the blood seeping through the bandages under Don’s hands.

“I know.” Don stared at the blood, continuing compressions.

“What are we gonna—“

“Just keep counting, Mikey. Whatever you do, keep counting and squeezing.”

Mikey’s face was twisted with fear as he looked from brother to brother. This couldn’t be happening… it couldn’t! He’d already watched one brother die in front of him, he couldn’t do it again! “One, two, three.” He continued counting under his breath as he fought to keep tears from falling down his cheeks.

Splinter had one hand holding the flashlight and the other on Raph’s shoulder, chanting healing mantras. His exterior was calm, but his heart was screaming. His son would be alright. He had to be alright!

The family of three sat in the dark, clinging to their fallen member. A blanket of despair covered the room, heavy and thick, choking away all hope. The family prayed for a miracle as they sat in silence, listening to Mikey count.

“One, two, three.”


	20. Breaking Point

One. Two. Three.

One fought the flooding. Two fought for power. Three fought for a life.

One. Two. Three.

One turtle was injured. Two struggled to save him. All three were dying.

One. Two. Three.

One family member dead. Two watched him die. Three stared as another slipped away.

One. Two. Three.

“One, two, three.” Squeeze. “One, two, three.” Squeeze. “One, two, three.” Squeeze.

The sound of Mikey’s counting was the only noise in the room. No one spoke, too afraid their words would become a goodbye.

The fear was paralyzing.

It had been several minutes since April left to help Casey; several minutes of silent terror as the three Hamato members fought for Raph’s life. Mikey counted aloud to keep himself thinking straight, fighting desperately against the throbbing in his head. Splinter held the flashlight steady with one hand on Raphael’s arm, silently chanting in a desperate attempt to help. And Don fought wildly to find any solution that would save his brother.

It was as though the world was falling apart.

Every second that passed felt like an eternity, spreading fear in it’s relentless pursuit. The family clung to hope that Raph would keep breathing, that the power would turn on, and everything would be alright.

It had been nearly fifteen minutes, and Splinter could have sworn his heart hadn’t beat since the power cut. He continued his mantras, knowing they were doing nothing, but needing to try something. He glanced at his two younger sons, reading the expressions on their faces: one was panicked to the point of trembling, and the other was calm, but despairing. It was that despair in Donatello’s eyes that frightened him most.

Blood now covered most of the bandages on Raph’s chest, making it look like his whole torso had opened up. Splinter knew it was only Don’s compressions popping the stitches from the two cuts in Raphael’s plastron, but it still worried him. He looked to his middle son for guidance, or any sign of what to do, but Don simply continued his task, pumping his brother’s chest to keep his heart beating.

On the outside, he looked focused. Hard in thought, probably terrified, but generally still. But Donnie’s mind was far from calm. Every time he wondered if this was doing any good at all, that awful thought crawled back to the surface: why not just let him go? His body was clearly done fighting, or had no more fight left to give. Either way, wouldn’t it be a mercy to just let him pass in peace. No more pain… no more suffering.

His thoughts got away from him, questioning why he was trying to force his brother to live at all; was he really fighting for Raph, or was it for himself? Or to spite Shredder? Or… maybe it was for Leo; to ease the guilt of having done nothing to save their leader.

Don shook his head, the truth of their situation settling in. This wasn’t Leo. This wasn’t a bomb. This was Raph, dying of injuries that couldn’t even be operated on because he was so weak.

Perhaps it was time to just let go…

“NO!” Donnie shouted, anger rising at the thoughts that tormented him. “No, I’m not letting him go!” He didn’t even realize he was speaking out loud. “I already abandoned one brother, I can’t do it again! I won’t!” His compressions became more intense as he began losing all ability to keep himself calm.

Splinter and Mikey stared at the middle child as the pain in his features grew, Don making no attempt to hide them anymore.

Finally, the power came back on.

Lights pushed away the dark as the life support machine booted up.

But Donnie didn’t stop. He continued compressions, a terror in his eyes that wrought Splinter to his core. “My son,” He tried catching Don’s attention, but he continued his task, staring at his hands.

“Donnie…?” Mikey looked to his brother with a fearful frown on his face. But the turtle didn’t acknowledge.

Splinter reached down, placing his hands on his son’s, stopping the compressions. “Donatello.” His voice was firm but gentle.

The middle turtle finally paused, eyes still frozen in place.

“It is alright, my son. Your brother is still alive.”

Don remained for several seconds, breathing heavy as he continued to stare at the blood seeping beneath his fingers. He couldn’t believe he thought it… not just thought it, but actually considered it! What… What was wrong with him!? He’d already killed one brother and now his mind was giving up on another! Lifting his hands, he stared at the red substance that covered them.

Without a word, Don stood and ran from the room, leaving a worried Father and brother behind him. He heard their cries, but didn’t stop.

“Donnie!!!” Mikey was about to attempt to stand when his Father’s paw on his shoulder stopped him.

“Be still, my son. I will speak with him. I need you to watch over Raphael.” He was calm as he reattached the machine to his son, hoping the beeping of the monitor meant he’d done so correctly. “Can you do that for me?”

“But—“ Mikey stared out the door, then back down at his brother. “Yeah… I got him Master Splinter. “

The rat nodded, giving his son’s shoulder a light squeeze before heading after Donatello.

Moving closer to Raph, Mikey rewrapped the blanket around his still form, trying to keep him warm. “You hear me bro? I got you…”

 

* * *

 

Don didn’t know where he was going, his feet moved but he paid no attention to where. He didn’t care. His whole body felt like it was being torn apart by shame. More than anything he wanted to run away, as far as his legs could carry him. Which apparently was only as far as the main room. He collapsed to the floor, cursing how weak he still was, before pushing himself up from the floor, hands balling into fists.

“It’s my fault…” His eyes narrowed, glaring at the ground in front of him. “I abandoned him. I left him to die!”

_“Don!”_

_“But Leo—“_

_“Go!”_

The scene played out in his mind, over and over, driving guilt like a stake through his heart every time. “I had to. I had to save the others! It’s what you wanted, wasn’t it!?”

_“Don’t you dare, Don! We’re not leaving him!”_

_“We have no choice. If we don’t go now, we’ll all…”_

“I didn’t want to leave, but there was no other choice!! Raph… and Mikey… they—“ His hands shook, balling tighter as he closed his eyes. Images of his older brother and the unending determination that always burned in his eyes flashed through Don’s mind.

_“You can’t give up.”_

“I’m sorry!” Tears streamed down his face as his body trembled, visibly shaking from the raging emotions tearing at his heart. “I’m so sorry, Leo! I didn’t— I couldn’t—“ He choked on a sob as he lowered his head to the floor. He was failing; Leo trusted him and he was failing. He failed to get them home, and now he was failing at keeping them safe.

He’d actually thought of giving up on Raph! He’d seriously considered just letting his brother pass on because it would be easier! Leo would never have done that… Leo never gave up. But Don was willing to let Raph’s life slip through his fingers just to make the pain stop, for both of them.

His stomach lurched as a wave of nausea overcame him- the guilt had become so strong it was making him physically ill. What had he done!? What kind of brother was he!? How would letting Raph die fix anything!?

Wave after wave of guilt attacked him, streaking tears down his face with it’s harsh truth. A sudden hand on his shoulder made him look up; Splinter kneeled in front of him, a calm sadness in his features.

“Sensei…” Seeing his Father only made his guilt weigh more. Staring eye to eye, Don could feel Splinter’s heart aching for him. “I… I’m sorry…” His gaze fell to the floor again. “I know you said not to feel guilty, but it was my fault. I… left him! I left Leo! It’s my fault he’s dead!” Another sob escaped his lips. “And now I almost let Raph die!” The words were like daggers in his body. He looked up at his Father, not bothering to hide the pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry… it’s all my fault! I don’t know what to do!”

Don kneeled with his head in his hands, his body wracked with grief, trembling as he cried. He’d lost Leo. Now he was losing Raph. And as much as he wanted to be able to fix everything, he knew there was nothing he could do. Finally freed from that prison and yet still powerless to do save his family.

He was useless.

Splinter placed his hands on Don’s shoulders, trying to quell his trembling. “My son… you have just saved Raphael’s life. Your younger brother is alive and well, in no small part thanks to you. And Leonardo…” He paused, taking extra care to hide the pain of speaking that name. “Leonardo made his choice.”

Picking his son’s hands up off the floor, Splinter caressed them, wiping some of the blood on his robe. “Your hands have brought life back to this family. Your brilliant mind has kept us from losing anyone else. And your spirit is keeping us strong.”

“But I—“

“Donatello, life and death are not your burdens to bear.” He moved his hands to Don’s head. “Do not let this guilt blind you from seeing your worth to this family.” His other hand went to Don’s cheek. “We love you, my son. And we need you.”

_“We need you, Donnie.”_

It was more than he could take. Don collapsed into his Father’s arms, clinging to him like a lifeline. He wanted to be strong for his family, to give them hope that he could find a way to fix everything, but right now he needed to let himself feel. Feel the guilt, the grief, the doubt, and the fear. Just for a moment. Splinter pulled his son tight against himself as Don allowed emotion to run rampant. His guilt remained, and probably always would. But hearing Splinter’s words and feeling the sincerity in them, the love and comfort, it was exactly what he needed right then.

He felt like an idiot; this was probably the fourth time he’d broken down in the past week. Every time he got back on his feet, determined to do keep going, only to be knocked down by another near death experience. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take.

“I’m sorry, Sensei.” He whimpered, still holding tight to his Father. Still desperate for comfort.

“You have a strong heart, my son. That is nothing to apologize for.” It hurt Splinter to see his child in such a state, but the love and concern Don showed for his family was also heart warming. Caressing his son’s shell as his weeping subsided, Splinter made no attempt to move. He would remain here as long as his son needed.

After several minutes, Don finally found strength to get control of his emotions again. He straightened from the hug, wiping his eyes of the tears. Splinter offered a hand to help him stand.

“We should get back to your brothers.”

Don nodded and Splinter watched his son straighten his shoulders, ready to take on the world again. He beamed with pride at how strong his children were- no matter how many times they were knocked down, they always found the strength to stand again.

Walking back into the room, Mikey’s voice could be heard from just beyond the door.

“—and I’m holding you to it. So you have to get better, ok? No more of this no-breathing stuff. Just get better. I know you can… you’re the strongest guy in the world! I mean, I’ll never tell you that when you’re awake because, let’s face it, you’re ego would be out of control.” A sad laugh followed. “But it’s true. You’re Superman, remember? And Superman doesn’t die, so neither can you.”

Splinter and Don stood in the doorway a moment, staring at Mikey as he clung to Raph’s hand.

“Please, Raph… don’t leave us like Leo did.”

Taking a deep breath, Don stepped forward, sitting next to Mikey and putting a hand to his shoulder. The young turtle looked up in surprise at the other’s presence.

“Don!” Mikey’s eyes were wide with worry. “You alright, bro?”

Don didn’t reply, instead just looking down at their elder sibling. “How’s he doing?”

“Lazy as ever.” Mikey joked, hoping for a smile from the other. “But he’ll be alright. Raph doesn’t know the meaning of the words ‘back down’, so I’m sure he’ll find a way back to us. Everything will OK… you’ll see.”

Don’s heart felt the slightest twinge of hope at hearing Mikey’s optimism. He smiled at his brother, a weak but sincere one, and wrapped his arm across his shell into a half hug. “I’m glad you’re here, Mikey.” He pulled the other closer, trying both to give and feel comfort in the embrace. “I’m glad you’re here.”

The young turtle smiled at the half-hug, wrapping his arm around Donnie’s shell. He could hear the despair in his brother’s voice and it worried him, almost as much as Raph’s condition did. “You two, bro.” It would be alright. Raph would get better they’d help each other through this.

It’s what the Hamato family did best.

 

* * *

 

The next few hours were anything but restful. Leatherhead, April, and Casey all returned, having made sure the lair was safe from flooding and power loss, and all were relieved to hear Raph was still among the living. Everyone had gathered to sit around the injured turtle for support, but as eyes and heads drooped and nodded, it became clear the lot of them were in desperate need of sleep. Mikey and Don in particular because they were still very weak. So April stepped up, playing mother hen, and delegated a sleeping schedule. Of course everyone objected at first, not wanting to let Raph out of their sights for fear he’d slip away while they were gone, but she made a very good point about not wanting everyone to pass out from exhaustion and leave Raph completely alone. Splinter volunteered for the first sleeping shift, knowing he would never convince his children to do so should he not lead by example. April also volunteered for similar reasons, and then nominated Leatherhead for their third since he’d been out preventing floods all afternoon. He objected at first, knowing he was the only one to have slept at all in the last few days, but decided it best not to argue. Agreeing to sleep in shifts of four hours, unless an emergency should occur, Splinter, April, and Leatherhead all left the room to find a space to rest their eyes. April took the couch in the main room, Leatherhead the floor, and Splinter to his room.

Don and Mikey sat beside each other on Raph’s right, with Casey opposite. The two brothers hadn’t moved in hours, other than to re-stitch the lacerations that opened on Raph’s chest. Both looked tired beyond all reason, but neither were willing to sleep just yet. Casey didn’t look much better; his eyes were red with dark bags underneath and his shoulders slouched like they were begging to lie down. All three suffered from more than physical exhaustion; after almost losing another brother, their emotions were at a tipping point, ready to pour out and drown them should anything else go wrong.

They needed hope. Some sort of sign that everything would be alright. But Raph was being noncompliant. His heart had already failed several times since the other three left the room, and though Donnie was able to keep it going with a defibrillator shock, it still frightened the three remaining into solemn hopelessness. No one spoke. All three seemed lost in their own worlds as they stared at the unconscious turtle before them, silently begging him to open his eyes.

Casey was caught between staring at his friend with worry, and being unable to look at all. Seeing Raph so weak was like staring at an open wound… horrific. Every time he thought about the past week’s events, the burden of guilt on his shoulders got heavier. He should have been there… he was one of the team, he should have been on that mission with them. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, maybe he would have just gotten caught same as them, maybe he'd have been killed or ignored and things would have turned out exactly the same. Or maybe he could have saved his buddies. Maybe Raph wouldn’t have gotten so injured. Maybe Leo wouldn’t have died. Maybe none of this crazy terrible mess would have happened.

He knew dwelling on things he couldn’t change was pointless, but it was all he could think about. If it had been him, they’d have found a way to help. They’d have come to his rescue and made sure he got away safe and sound. They would have done something…

Raph would have done something.

Raph was the only guy on the planet who made Casey feel any degree of normal; odd considering he was a mutant turtle, but that’s the way it was. Because Raph knew what it was like to feel rage. Not just anger, but pure, unadulterated, uncontrollable rage. He knew what it was like to lose yourself to it, to let it take over and give in to every violent desire you’ve ever felt. Raph knew that adrenaline rush. That blood-pumping excitement. That paralyzing fear. And Raph never judged him once for it. Other than April, the hot-tempered turtle was the only one who could get through to Casey when he was in the midst of a violent rage storm, because he knew what it felt like, and he knew it’s power.

Raph wasn’t just his bud or his best friend. He was a brother. Not in blood, but in bond. He was the one Casey would go to when he felt he had nowhere else to turn. When he felt he’d screwed up beyond reason, or he desperately needed an outlet for some angry venting. April kept him breathing, but Raph kept him stable. Sane. And seeing him banged up and fighting for life was slowly killing Casey inside.

The reason the vigilante didn’t want to sleep wasn’t just so he could be by Raph’s side, or so he could keep an eye on the other two brothers, but because every time he closed his eyes, he pictured the torment the turtles must have gone through… and it terrified him like nothing else ever had. Anger arose every time he pictured Shredder hurting his family, and he was afraid he might lose it like he did in the alley if he kept his eyes closed for too long. So he would stay here and keep watch. He owed the turtles at least that much…

Owed them so much more.

Don had seriously been considering a way to raid a hospital and steal some equipment and medicine to bring back for his brothers. Antibiotics for Mikey, in case his fever rose again, and vasopressin for Raph to help his heart. And perhaps a real life support machine. He shook his head at the plan he’d mentally constructed, knowing full well he would never actually be able to go through with it; not only was he unwilling to leave Raph’s side, but he had enough guilt choking him without adding ‘stealing from the sick’ to it. Even if it was for a good cause, it wasn’t right. Leo would never have allowed it…

“I wonder how he did it…?”

Mikey’s quiet mumbling drew both Casey and Don from their thoughts. It was the first time one of them had talked in at least an hour. “Who did what?” Casey asked, stretching an arm in the air and cracking away the stiffness in his neck.

“Leo.” Mikey could feel the air tense suddenly, but he continued. “I wonder how he managed to get us out?” He looked to Don who’s eyes stared at the wall behind Casey as he thought. “I mean… we were drowning. The room was totally flooded, and somehow he managed to get out and save us just in the knick of time. How did he do it?”

Casey looked from turtle to turtle, confused about the situation. “You were drowning? How?” He hadn’t been in a frame of mind to ask for specifics when Don first told them about Leo, but the more he thought about it, the more confused he was; why would they need a boat? Where was Shredder keeping them… an aquarium?

Don and Mikey exchanged a glance. “The prison was in a underwater lair.” Don explained. “The three of us were locked in our cells when a window opened and started flooding the place. Leo was with Shredder, the water had engulfed the room, and we were sure we’d drown.” Don remembered the moment he’d watched his younger brother gasp his last breath before clinging to him in fear. And he remembered pushing Mikey away when he choked on the water.

“Whoa…” An underwater lair? Sounded like something from a Saturday morning cartoon. “So what happened?” Casey couldn’t help his curiosity, but he made a mental note to back off if it the turtles looked like they’d rather not talk about it. They had enough to deal with without having to relive a nightmare.

“I… don’t actually know.” Don lifted his eyes to the ceiling like he was hoping to find an answer in thin air. “I hadn’t taken a good enough breath, so I inhaled some water and—“ He paused, glancing down to Mikey. “Next thing I knew, I was awake on the floor and the water had disappeared.

Mikey remembered that moment in grave detail. He’d honestly thought Don had drown… it was one of the most terrifying moments of his life. The past week included. “We thought we’d lost you, Don…” He heard the fear in his own voice and shook his head, perking back up so as not to make the others worry. “But just after Don blacked out, the door suddenly opened and the water rushed out and… there was Leo. Standing with a Foot soldier under his arm, and that serious ‘focus’ look on his face.” Mikey smiled slightly at the memory. “If he’d had a cape it would have been like something ripped from a comic book.”

Casey couldn’t help a smirk at the mental image of Leo in a costume with a cape. “Man… that guy sure knows how to make an entrance.”

“Dude, right!? I’m telling ya, it was epic.” It was an odd thing, talking about his brother like this. Mikey still wasn’t sure his heart was ready to accept that Leo was dead, but it felt good remembering him. It hurt… more than anything… but it kept him alive in Mikey’s memory, and that was worth the pain. “But I just can’t figure out how he’d managed to get away from Shredder to come get us. The three of us had been taken before him and weren’t able to escape… I wonder what Leo did?”

Don knew what Leo did; he’d saved their lives. And as much as his curious nature would love to know how, the rest of him just wasn’t ready to talk about his brother in the past tense. Not that he minded Mikey recounting their tale, it would probably be good for them to talk about it and get it out of their system, but talking about Leo was far too painful right now. Maybe once Raph was better he could try it… “He did what he promised. He got us out.”

The sorrow in Don’s tone made both Casey and Mikey look to the floor with heartache.

Mikey closed his eyes a moment, Leo’s voice echoing in his head.

_“I’ll get us out of here. All four of us. I promise.”_

Letting out a small sigh, Mikey fiddled with Raph’s blanket, making sure it was tucked in and keeping his brother warm. Leo had promised to get all four of them home… he broke his promise. Raph had promised he would be alright, and Mikey was terrified he too wouldn’t be able to keep it. But he couldn’t think like that. He couldn’t focus on the fear. Leo was always saying they couldn’t let Shredder get in their heads, and this was still a part of that; he wasn’t going to let Shredder take his family away. Mikey would believe Raph could pull through because that’s all he knew to do in this situation: be positive.

_“We need you, Mikey. We need your optimism if we’re ever gonna get out of here.”_

The memory of his brothers lifting him up from his despair in the prison boiled to the surface. They’d said they needed him then, too.

_“Honestly, without you we’d probably have stopped being a team years ago.”_

They’d been there to hold him together through that whole ordeal. Donnie healing his injuries, Leo keeping his spirits up, and Raph protecting him from Shredder. Now it was his turn. Time for him to heal, protect, and uplift them. No matter the guilt and the fear and the grief that swelled in his body, Mikey was determined to stay positive for the others.

“I’m sorry…” Casey’s voice cut through Mikey’s thoughts, bringing both turtles’ eyes to him. “About Leo… and Raph. And all of it.” He glared at the floor. “I just—” Words failed as Casey tried to find a way to express the overwhelming sorrow he felt at what they’d gone through. He sighed. “I’m sorry…”

Don and Mikey shared a glance. “It’s not your fault, dude. There’s no way you guys could have—“

The machine beside Raph began beeping loudly; his heart rate was dropping again. Donnie grabbed the paddles, making sure the other two were backed away before shocking his brother for the umpteenth time that day. It took four before his heart rate returned to an acceptable level, and all three held their breath until it did.

No matter how many often it happened, it scared the life from them every time.

Rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, Don tried to clear his mind of the fatigue. This constant emotional rollercoaster was having disastrous effects on his ability to function in any capacity. He was so tired. So very tired. But sleep wasn’t an option yet… he couldn’t leave Raph. Not when his heart was giving out every half an hour.

The machine beeped again, but this time, before Donnie could shock him, Raph’s heart stopped all together. Don’s eyes widened as he started pumping his brother’s chest again. “Casey, that tray beside you.”

The vigilante grabbed it and handed it over as Don picked up a needle and punctured it through Raph’s skin, staring at the monitor. After what felt like the longest three seconds to have ever existed, the monitor beeped back in a regular rhythm, albeit slower than it had been.

The room breathed once again. Donnie thanked his mental fortitude for having thought to bring those needles of atropine into the room. He’d decided the risk of using such drugs was outweighed by their necessity to keep Raph’s heart beating. But he only had two more needles left, after that…

“Dude, you gotta stop scarin’ us like that.” Casey spoke to Raph as he rubbed a hand down his face in a worn-out gesture.

Holding his head as it throbbed, Mikey closed his eyes to the dizziness that suddenly overcame him. Be it the stress or the over exertion, his head was protesting strongly. “Is there anything else we can do for him?” He knew the answer, but he had to ask.

Don was too lost in his own thoughts to reply. His mind was warring once again on what course of action would be best, if any. An operation was far too risky, but what were the risks of not operating? If only he had access to an X-ray machine or something that would allow him to see—

“Raph!?” Casey’s surprised voice brought Don from his thoughts, following his gaze to his older brother. His eyes widened as his jaw dropped.

Raph’s eyes were slightly open.

“RAPH!!!” Mikey couldn’t help his shout of excitement. He grabbed his brother’s hand, feeling relief flood his every muscle. “You’re awake!!”

Don looked from the monitor to his brother several times, dumbfounded that –despite his low vitals- Raph was actually conscious! It took him another moment before he was able to form words and think rationally again. “Raph, can you hear me? Can you talk at all?”

The older turtle closed his eyes slowly, looking like it took great effort to peel them open again. Don watched as his throat contracted, seemingly in an attempt to talk, but nothing came out.

“Raph, blink if you can hear me.” Don tried another approach, leaning in to watch his brother closely. Raph once again closed his eyes and it felt like an eternity before he opened them again. But he did… he was conscious! How it was possible, Don didn’t know, but in that moment, he didn’t care. He felt hope like he hadn’t known for days wash over him as he put a hand to Raph’s throat, checking his pulse. It was still dangerously weak.

“Dude, you have no idea how good it is to—“

Mikey’s elation was interrupted by a sudden coughing fit from Raph. Blood spilled from his lips as Don carefully leaned him over so he wouldn’t choke on it. Casey’s hands were there in an instant, helping keep the turtle steady.

“Don, what’s going on? Is he alright?” The vigilante kept a hand on Raph’s shoulder as he stared at the middle turtle, praying this was all somehow a good sign.

“Case…?” The name was croaked out so quiet and hoarsely, the three almost didn’t hear it.

“I’m here, man.” He watched as Raph turned his head slowly, looking at him with weak eyes. It felt like Casey had been stabbed; he’d never seen Raph’s eyes look like that. The fire that normally burned in them was completely gone…

The smallest trace of a smile crossed Raph’s lips as he saw his friend beside him before he turned his head, again very slowly, to look at Don and Mikey. It took another minute, but after what looked to Don like a long struggle, Raph finally managed to whisper again. “…Home…?”

Mikey flinched at hearing his voice so fragile. “Yeah, we’re home! We made it, all three of us!”

“Three…” Raph’s eyes closed a moment and Don wondered if he’d thought Leo’s death had been a dream. “S-Sensei…?” Another cough rose from his throat as Don tried to steady him.

“He’s here. Casey, can you—“

“I’m on it!” And he was out the door as fast as he could go.

Raph stared at his brothers again, visibly fighting for every breath, but determined to keep speaking. “You...” He sipped another shallow breath before he could continue. “…OK?”

“I’m fine— we’re both fine! Thanks to you, I imagine.” Don’s throat was tight as he spoke, his emotions rocking between relieved his brother was talking, and terrified he’d stop any moment.

Raph’s gaze drifted to Mikey who nodded fervently. “Yeah dude, we’re alright. Safe and sound.” His grip on Raph’s hand tightened when he felt the older attempt a weak squeeze back.

“…Good…” His voice faded even more as he closed his eyes again.

But this time they didn’t open.

Don’s heart began to thump faster in his chest. “Raph?”

The machine beside him beeped as the older turtle’s heart rate plummeted again. Mikey squeezed Raph’s hand so tight his knuckles turned white. “No! Come on, Raph, you gotta stay with us! Open your eyes, bro!”

“Mikey, let go!” Don readied the defibrillator, waiting for his brother to be clear before shocking Raph’s chest. The machine still beeped in alarm. He tried again to the same effect. And again. “No…” Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he stared at the blinking monitor.

Mikey was using every ounce of his strength not to reach forward and shake his brother until he woke. Again he felt fear pump through his body as he waited for Raph’s heart to beat properly. “You can’t do this…” His voice was tight and his eyes were wild with panic. “You can’t do this, Raph! You can’t give up just because you know we’re safe!! Come on, you have to keep fighting!!”

Another shock. Still no change.

“You promised you’d be alright! You promised! Don’t you dare break it, Raph!”

And again.

Mikey’s voice rose as his fear grew, tears pricking the edges of his eyes. “Please!!”

No change.

“RAPH!!!!!”

Finally, the alarm stopped as Raph’s heart rate lifted. Don fell back on his knees, emotionally and physically wrecked. He turned to Mikey who had grabbed their brother’s hand the minute the beeping ceased, clinging to it with both his. His body still trembled.

Donnie moved over and grabbed his younger sibling in a hug, pulling him close to try and ease his quivering. “It’s OK Mikey… Raph’s Ok…”

“He’s not OK! He was awake, he was here, and then he was gone! Just like Leo!”

Don winced at the pain in his baby brother’s voice, likely mirrored in his eyes. “I know…” He inhaled deep, hoping his steady breathing would help calm the younger turtle. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say that would comfort either of them, so he simply held tight, putting a comforting hand to his brother’s head as Splinter had done to him earlier. “I know…”

“My sons, what has happened!?” Splinter came rushing into the room with the other three in tow.

Mikey couldn’t bring himself to look at any of them, so Donnie answered. “Raph woke up, Sensei. But then his heart gave out again and—“

“What!?” Casey rushed to Raph’s side, feeling despair reach out and punch him in the gut as he stared at his friend’s closed eyes. “But he was awake! I thought—“ He was stopped from melting into a full on freak-out by April’s hand to his shoulder.

Leatherhead came beside the machine, looking at Raph’s vitals. “He is getting worse…”

Don nodded as he noticed Splinter tense, despite keeping a neutral face. “We’re running out of time.” He looked to Leatherhead with a nervous determination in his features. “We’re going to have to operate.”

The alligator’s eyes fell, not able to disagree, but knowing full well what the consequences of such actions would likely be. “I agree.”

Don looked down to his older brother, unease creeping into every thought. This was insane. The absolute worst case scenario. But it was also the only way he knew to save Raph’s life. They were always saying he was the strongest person they knew…

Now it was time to prove it.


	21. Fear and Hope

It was in their faces. Written all over them like big block letters.

Mikey couldn’t help but stare at them. Stare at the fear in their eyes. The wild terror that mirrored his own. They were talking about operating on Raph, and nothing about the way they spoke brought confidence to Mikey. They were talking about surgery like it was a death march… a charge into a final battle that none could return from.

Casey seemed to be feeling the same thing, suddenly looking very on edge. “Thought you said he was too weak for surgery.”

“He is.” But clearly doing nothing was only letting him get weaker. The fact was, surgery could kill him. But so could doing nothing. And if it was a choice between doing nothing and watching him die, or doing something and watching him die, Don would take the latter option. “It’s a risk… but a necessary one.”

“But you said it wasn’t likely he’d survive!”

“I know, Casey.”

“Ten percent- that’s how much of a chance—“

“I know!” Don closed his eyes, calming himself so he wouldn’t shout again. “I know the risks and I know the stats. But if internal injuries are causing the cardiac arrest, they need to be fixed now. His heart can only take so much more of this before it won’t start anymore, and I’m running out of drugs to help it along.”

Casey mentally admitted Don was right, but he didn’t want to say it out loud. This whole situation was crap. What he wouldn’t give to have Raph just sit up, play the ‘I’m fine ‘cause I say so’ card, and walk out of here. He drew in a long breath, trying to calm his nerves. “…What do you need?”

“We’re going to have to move him to the med room.”

Casey didn’t even bother bringing up the fact that moving Raph was also something he’d been told would be a terrible idea. He stood, suddenly feeling the need to pace his frustrations.

Mikey felt the shiver that ran through Don’s spine. “…Don?”

“It has to be done, Mikey. It’s the only chance he’s got…”

“That’s not—” Not what he was trying to ask. He could still see the fear his older brother was attempting to hide, and it only seemed rise with every second that passed. Understanding set in as Mikey watched Don gulp another breath, staring at Raph: he was afraid of failing. If Raph died on his own it was one thing, but if he died in surgery when his life was in Don’s hands… that was something else entirely. The full weight of his brother’s task fell on Mikey’s shoulders in an instant and he couldn’t help the sudden hug he gripped around Don’s shell. “…You can do it, Don. I know you can.” Not exactly a stirring speech, but he meant it. Sincerely.

Don seemed to accept the comfort, relaxing into the hug for a moment before looking up to the others. “April, can you go get the med room ready?” The redhead nodded as Don turned to Splinter. “Sensei, I’m going to need you on standby with the defibrillator while Leatherhead, Casey and I move him.” Looking down to his younger brother, Don put a hand on Mikey’s shell.

The young turtle already knew what he was going to say. “You want me to stay here, don’t you?”

“You shouldn’t be moving around yet.” Donnie knew the hypocrisy of it; he really shouldn’t be moving either. But he didn’t have a choice. He saw Mikey’s gaze fall and put a hand to his shoulder. “It would help me to know you’re resting and getting better.”

Mikey nodded, taking a deep breath before bringing determined eyes up to meet Don’s. “I gottcha bro. I’ll be here.”

The purple-banded turtle offered his brother a small smile, impressed with his understanding. The strength in his eyes was so much like Leo’s… “Thanks Mikey.” Looking up to the group, Don nodded, standing on shaky legs.

All went off to their duties. Splinter readied the defibrillator as Leatherhead and Casey came around and started figuring out the best way to move Raph. They’d have to unhook him from the machine, which meant he’d be without air, but if they moved fast enough, it hopefully wouldn’t cause too much of an issue. Hopefully. Don checked the med room to make sure it was all set up. He sighed in frustration as he looked over the supplies: only two needles of atropine left, a limited amount of morphine, and two bags of blood. It was the blood that worried Don the most. Raph was unlikely to wake up during surgery, and if he did –though extremely painful- it wouldn’t kill him. And the atropine wouldn’t be much help in this situation anyways. But with such a limited amount of blood, Don knew he wouldn’t have long to figure out the problem and fix it, and if anything –anything!- went wrong, there’d be no saving his brother from the fall out.

He had one shot at this. One small, likely unsuccessful shot. And it was all on him. If Raph died, it would be his fault. The thought of what he was about to attempt made him nauseous: were there any other way to help his brother, he’d be taking it. This whole scenario had ‘death’ written all over it. But Raph was dying as it was… he had to do something.

After several terrifying minutes of Raph being moved from his spot, Don reattached his brother to the life support machine, thanking their lucky stars when he heard the beeping resume, telling him Raph’s heart hadn’t stopped in the process. This was a good sign of things to come… he hoped. Begged.

As Leatherhead and April prepared, Don walked to the kitchen, looking for a quick cup of coffee. It had been days since he’d last slept at all, and over a week since his last full night of rest. And given all the emotional and physical distress he’d gone through lately, it was a wonder he was on his feet at all. Exhaustion had been his constant companion since his time with Shredder, and he was going to need some liquid energy if he was to make it through this surgery. Ideally he’d love to get some actual rest, but that was out of the question; Raph was running out of time and Don doubted he’d actually be able to sleep knowing how frayed the thread his brother’s life clung to was becoming. As he brewed the coffee, his eyes wondered over the lair, drinking it in. Despite all the horror that had followed them, it felt good to be home. To be back with his computers and gadgets and lab. Back with his own room and his own bed –should he ever get to use it. To be back amongst friends and family. It was strange, but as much as he trusted Leo that he’d find an escape, there’d been several times Don honestly didn’t think they’d make it out alive, so standing in the kitchen and seeing their home again… it felt almost surreal. Like a dream.

Don almost wished it was a dream. Then maybe Leo would still be alive. Maybe Raph wouldn’t be dying, and it wouldn’t be up to Don to save him. A shudder of anxiety rushed through his body as he poured himself a cup, enjoying the aroma of the caffeinated beverage more than expected.

He was terrified. Completely scared out of his mind.

With everyone there he’d managed to find the strength to keep a calm exterior, but having his brother’s life in his hands was more horrifying than words could ever explain. This wasn’t the first time it had happened; being the appointed ‘doctor’ of the group, it was usually up to him to stitch, mend, and otherwise heal his brothers continually bruised and battered bodies. There’d been several instances over the years where Don found himself in a similar situation with a brother (or two) injured, sick, or otherwise hurt, and he was the only one who could save them. And while it terrified him every time, he always managed to find the will to push through it and do what needed to be done.

But this was different.

Not only had Don never seen his older brother so severely injured, but there was one thing that made this whole situation a thousand times worse: Leo wasn’t there.

The leader wasn’t just a helping hand with stitching and bandages, he was Don’s support. Whenever the weight of having his family’s lives in his hands became too much to carry, Leo was always there to hold him up and keep him steady. Not only was his oldest brother not there to give him strength, but it was an added weight to the already heavy burden, knowing that if Don failed, he’d be responsible for the loss of two brothers.

Quivering hands brought the cup of coffee to his lips as he guzzled it quickly, knowing time was of the essence. The taste was bitter in his mouth, but it brought a familiar comfort of nostalgia that Don clung to to calm his nerves. He wished beyond hope that he’d walk into that medical room and find Raph suddenly awake and healing. He wished he didn’t have to be the one to hold his brother’s life in his trembling hands.

He wished Leo was here.

Rubbing his eyes as he mentally prepared himself for the task ahead, Don pushed all thoughts aside that weren’t necessary for the surgery. Any guilt, fear, and doubt he harbored had to be left at the door, or he wouldn’t be able to get through this. He wouldn’t be able to think straight. His mind drifted to Mikey’s Leo-reminiscent look of determination, repeating his words over and over in his head. Thank God his younger brother was awake and well… Don knew beyond fact that he wouldn’t have the strength to do this without Mikey’s can-do attitude and positive energy pushing him forward.

Splinter came up behind Donatello, the clicking of his cane alerting the turtle to his presence. “We are ready.”

Don nodded, sucking in a deep breath. As he walked towards his Father, a hand was placed on his shoulder, strong eyes meeting his tired gaze. “I have faith in you, my son, that you will do your best. We expect nothing more.”

The tired turtle’s eyes softened, nodding in understanding. Splinter was trying to tell him if things went awry that it wasn’t his fault. That if Raph died on that table, it would have been Shredder who killed him, not Don. In all honesty, it did little to calm his nerves, but he appreciated it nonetheless. Right now, he’d take any words of encouragement he could get. “Thanks Dad.”

Walking towards the med room, Don squared his shoulders, readying for what was to come, silently praying the universe would be on their side for once.

Here goes… everything.

 

* * *

 

Mikey lay on his cot in Don’s lab, staring at the ceiling as he did everything he could to ignore the throbbing of his head. He was at a level of tired that was unknown territory to him. Mikey could usually fall asleep at the drop of a hat if he needed to, and –barring any nightmares- he almost always slept soundly through the night. Donnie was the definition of sleep deprived, and after experiencing this state of constant exhaustion, Mikey would never understand how he managed it; being this tired was no fun at all.

But he couldn’t sleep.

He’d promised Don he’d try, just to put his mind at ease; the last thing his older brother needed right now was something else to worry about. Mikey cringed at the weight Don was bearing right now… holding their sibling’s life in his hands… it must have been terrifying. It had been worrisome enough just watching them move Raph to the other room; disconnecting him from the machine meant he couldn’t breathe until they were settled again, and watching his brother’s chest stop it’s constant rise and fall had been grim, to say the least. But Mikey had to have faith… Had to believe in Leatherhead’s knowledge, had to believe in Donnie’s skill, and had to believe in Raph’s strength.

“Raph will be alright. We’ll all be OK.” Mikey repeated it over and over to himself, trying to convince every bone in his body to believe it. But no matter how positive he tried to be, there was that lingering doubt… that voice that reminded him Raph wasn’t invincible, Donnie wasn’t perfect, and he was completely helpless to do anything but watch it all happen.

Every time that voice prodded his positivity, he thought of Leo.

Their leader was the most determined person in the world; there was nothing Leo set his mind to that he couldn’t accomplish. And that included being strong for his family.

Mikey knew he was known as the positive one, the guy who found joy in every situation no matter what. But Leo was always more positive than anyone when it came to his family. Not in obvious smile-all-the-time-and-never-get-upset ways like Mikey, but more subtly. Secretly. He would push his brothers to their limits because he honestly believed they could pass them. He worked them into the ground because he was one hundred percent positive they could pull themselves back up.

Leo had faith in his brothers like Donnie had brains. He believed in them, in every situation, even if they didn’t believe in themselves. He didn’t always know how to show it, and sometimes his overly protective nature would come out and keep them from trying something dangerous, even if he believed they could handle it.

But Mikey knew. He’d always been good at reading people, and while Leo kept himself generally closed off, there were rare moments when his eyes weren’t guarded and he let everything show in them. Mikey both loved and hated those moments: he loved getting to see the emotions his eldest brother kept so secret, but he hated seeing how much Leo felt he had to hide.

“I’m sorry, Leo…”

_“For what?” Fifteen-year-old Leo glanced at his youngest brother as he scoured their video pile for a decent movie to watch._

_“For getting you in trouble.” Mikey’s eyes were on the floor, wide with shame and guilt. “I heard Master Splinter shout at you for what happened… he sounded pretty angry.”_

_“First of all, he didn’t shout, he was speaking sternly.” There was a big difference, particularly with Splinter. “And second, you didn’t get me in trouble.”_

_Mikey kicked his good foot out in a sheepish gesture. “But Splinter shouted—“_

_“—Spoke sternly—”_

_“—at you because of me. He’d never have known we snuck out if I hadn’t gotten hurt.”_

_“It’s not your fault Mikey.” Leo fiddled with the video player, trying to get it working._

_Leo’s refusal to blame him only made Mikey feel guiltier. “Dude, I’m the one that ignored you. I jumped onto that building, I goaded Raph into racing me, and I was too slow when the roof came apart.” He glanced up, relieved to see his brother still facing the TV and not him. “I really made a mess of things…”_

_“Mikey…” Leo’s voice was soft, but Mikey still couldn’t bring himself to look up as his brother sat next to him on the couch, careful not to bump his injured leg. “Sensei’s not angry, he was just upset; it wasn’t easy for him to have to hold you down while Donnie set your bone.” Mikey’s head bowed lower in guilt. “And you didn’t make a mess of things, you made a mistake. We all did by sneaking out. But as Master Splinter says ‘mistakes are made to help you grow and learn’.”_

_Mikey’s gaze still hung on the floor, trying to find comfort in his brother’s words. “What did we learn from falling through a building?” His voice was still heavy with self-reproach. “Look before you leap?”_

_“Always take the elevator.”_

_An unexpected chuckle came from Mikey. He could feel Leo smile at the small victory in releasing the tension. The younger turtle finally lifted his gaze to meet his brother’s, only for a moment. “Shouldn’t you be lecturing me about obeying orders or paying attention to where I’m going or something? Where’d this carefree, no-worries attitude come from?”_

_“From you.” The cool confession snapped Mikey’s head up, staring at his brother. Leo held his gaze, looking at the younger with a neutral face, like what he’d said was no big deal. “I know you think we don’t notice how hard you try to keep us positive, but we do. The way you’re able to smile through anything –including a broken leg- and find joy in every moment… I admire that. I admire you.”_

_The sincerity in Leo’s eyes only drove his compliments home. Mikey was stunned to silence; Leo admired him? Their big, strong, fearless leader, admired him?_

_“Are we watching this movie or what?” Leo had already turned to face the TV, his arms hanging over the back of the couch cushions as he waited for Mikey to click ‘play’ on the remote._

_It took the orange-banded turtle a moment before he could get his mind together enough to move, his heart still pounding as Leo’s words sunk deeper into his skin. Three simple words had managed to wipe away all the guilt, all the embarrassment, and all the fear their terrible outing had brought. Finally letting his eyes relax from their widened state, Mikey started the movie, not really paying attention to the pictures on the screen._

_Leo admired him. Didn’t blame him, didn’t scold him, didn’t lecture. Just… comforted him with words he could never know meant so much to Mikey._

_As the movie played, Leo seemed completely enwrapped in the story –albeit only to point out how ridiculous the idea of aliens taking the form of earth vehicles was- and didn’t notice Mikey moving until his brother’s head was on his shoulder, the rest of him falling against Leo’s body like a pillow. “Mikey? Come on, the movie’s not even scary!”_

_“Just cold bro.” The young turtle shifted even closer to his brother, curling into his warmth. Leo draped an arm over his brother’s shell, accepting the cuddle, and Mikey could feel him smiling; none of his brothers liked to cuddle anymore, but none of them would turn him away if he asked… at least not when they knew he needed it. And right now he needed it; not for comfort, but to express a gratitude that words weren’t enough for._

_“Thanks Leo…”_

_“Always, Mikey.”_

Leo never knew how much his compliments meant to his brothers. He’d say them and then move on like they were nothing: obvious truths that everyone knew and he was just saying out loud. But the younger three always took them to heart. Always cherished their leader’s words of recognition and respect. Because when Leo gave a compliment, he meant it, and he’d be sure to let you see it in his eyes. Those unguarded moments were fewer and farther between over the years as Leo grew even more emotionally reserved, but it made them all the more profound when they actually happened.

Mikey felt moisture on his cheek and brought a hand up to wipe it away; he hadn’t even realized his eyes were tearing. He’d been so lost in the memory… in his brother’s burdened and honest eyes… in trying to memorize every detail of Leo before he disappeared forever.

Grief suddenly reached out and crushed his heart in a death grip. Mikey nearly choked on the sudden onslaught of despair he felt at thinking of his brother never returning. Never training with him again, never joking with him at breakfast, never getting to watch movies, play video games, or hang out together.

Never seeing his determined eyes or reassuring smile when missions weren’t going right.

Never feeling safe on patrol because their ‘Fearless Leader’ always had a plan.

Never feeling like a whole family. Ever again.

The reality of it all crushed Mikey’s heart, paralyzing him as sorrow bit through every nerve. With a quick glance around the room, Mikey made sure he was alone.

And then he let it go.

The dams burst, the walls crumbled, and everything came crashing down. Mikey turned, burying his face in his pillow, and cried. He tried to be as quiet as possible, the pillow catching any sobs that escaped; the others needed him to be strong. Positive. And he would be.

But right now, he couldn’t. Right now he let grief take him, swallowing his soul with all the pain and torment he’d been through this week.

“I’m sorry!” Mikey cried, his eyes screwed shut as his heart lurched in pain. Silent tears soaked the pillow as he held it tight, despair shaking his body. “Leo…!”

But no one would hear his grief. No one would hear his sobs.

In the dim light of the make-shift infirmary, Mikey cried alone.

Cried for the brother he’d lost. Cried for the brother he was losing.

Cried because he felt helpless to do anything about either.

 

* * *

 

Casey paced in front of the door to the med room, desperately trying to both hear what was going on and shut it all out. Every once in a while he’d catch raised voices and high pitched beeping from that damn machine, and it took every ounce of his strength not to bust the door down and shake Raph into consciousness. But the voices always eventually lowered, the beeping dying to a steady pulse, and Casey would remember to breathe again.

Damn this sucked. Waiting helplessly as his friend was fading away in the next room was worse than physical torment. Raph was dying, really dying, and Casey could only pace the halls, praying for a miracle. What he wouldn’t give to have that stupid trashcan to kick around again… he needed something to pound on! He’d considered taking some frustration out on Raph’s punching bag, but that meant leaving the med area, and he was afraid to come back to find his friend… damn, he couldn’t even think the word. It had already happened to Leo, the idea of it happening to another of the brothers was way too much for Casey to handle. The sudden thought made his breath hitch. He wished April were out here with him… he needed her presence to keep him tethered to sanity right now. But she was in there, doing what she could for Raph, while he paced out here like a chump. A pathetic, helpless, chump.

Sighing audibly, Casey looked to Splinter, sitting near the door in what looked like meditation. His ears were back and his body tense, looking –with all due respect- at least twenty years older. Casey remembered with vivid detail the phone call he’d received from April, telling him about the guys’ disappearance. He remembered coming to the lair and feeling the true emptiness of it, mirroring his soul. But mostly, he remembered Splinter’s eyes. The ninja master had remained calm, composed, and determined throughout the whole ordeal, but there was one moment, one brief moment, when his guard was down and Casey caught a glimpse of his despair.

It was while he was in the kitchen when the teapot was screeching to turn off the stove and Casey had to come and retrieve it. Splinter had been staring at the table and must have been lost in thought, because Casey saw it all: saw the fear, the worry, the sorrow. Saw the pain. The desperation.

He’d blinked and it was gone, but a glimpse was more than enough. The vigilante knew how much their Sensei had to be worried about his children, but he was always so calm about it, Casey sometimes forgot he felt just as strongly as the rest of them. Maybe even more.

“Casey? Is something troubling you?” The sudden question dropped the vigilante back into reality and he realized he’d been staring the entire time.

“Nah, just… tired, I guess.” His shoulders shrugged as he tried to play it off coolly.

“I see. Perhaps some tea would be helpful.” That was Splinter’s I-know-you’re-lying tone, but Casey ignored it and let the conversation die.

“I’m OK Master Splinter. I’ll—“

“SPLINTER!” April had burst through the door to med room, her eyes wide with fear as she searched for the rat.

“April, what has happened?” Splinter’s voice was on the verge of cracking as he tried to keep calm.

“We—… We need—… There was so much of it… everywhere! We need more! We need more now or he’s going to—… Oh God!!”

“Babe! Babe, calm down! Take a breath!” Casey wrapped his arms around April’s shoulders, trying to steady the tremors that shook her body. She looked like a wild animal caught in the headlights. “What do you need?”

“Blood.” April swallowed hard, trying to get a hold of herself as she looked from Casey to Splinter. “Donnie said there’s more in his lab, and we need it now! Raph… His wound… It was…” She couldn’t finish any of those sentences, the horror of what she’d seen making her want to fold into a ball and never move again.

“I’ll get it.” Casey gave her shoulders one more comforting squeeze before running into the lab.

Splinter stared at April, his eyes focused and determined. “Breathe. Deep breaths.” She followed his lead, inhaling and exhaling to regain control of herself. “What has happened to Raphael?”

She paused, suddenly unsure if she should say anything. The shouts from the med room accompanied by the beeping of machines spoke volumes, and she could see the fear seeping into Splinter’s eyes. “There was a small stream of internal bleeding near the stab wounds, and Don was trying to find the source when suddenly blood gushed everywhere.” She closed her eyes a moment, keeping herself calm. “He thinks there may have been a tiny knick in an artery that must have burst open, but we only had the two extra bags of blood, and it won’t stop gushing.”

Splinter’s eyes were wide as he processed the information.

“There’s some in the lab we can use, but it won’t matter if we can’t close that wound up. And the stress accompanied by the blood loss could make Raph’s heart give out entirely.” She looked up to Splinter, the despair in her eyes far too overpowering to hide. “I don’t know if he’s going to make it…” The pain that shot through Splinter’s eyes that moment was immense, and April forced herself to stand tall against her fear; she couldn’t give up yet. But it just seemed so useless…

“Got it!” Casey ran back to the two, handing April three bags with ‘Leonardo’ labeled on the bottom. Splinter and April stared, only a moment, before April rushed back to Don. The two left behind the door caught a glimpse of the horror inside the med room, and Casey stared as Splinter steadied himself with his cane: blood covered the floor as Don and Leatherhead stood over Raphael’s body, both frantically shouting as they tried to stay the bleeding.

The door closed, reprieving Splinter and Casey from having to watch anymore. Casey stared another moment, unable to get the image of his friend lying in a pool of his own blood out of his head. He cursed under his breath, hands balling into fists as they trembled with anger. Fear. A moment of silence fell before Casey shattered it with another curse, much louder this time, full of rage and despair.

“Casey.” Splinter gripped his cane tightly, trying not to show how difficult it felt to stand right now.

“I’ll kill him! That psychotic, tin-faced ass hole! I’ll kill him!!!” He slammed his fist into the wall, drawing blood from his knuckles. “That stupid, arrogant, piece of—“

“Casey.” Splinters voice was firm, commanding.

The vigilante wilted slightly at the reprimand, glancing at Splinter as he held his fist in the wall. “He took Leo! Now he’s takin’ Raph, too!” His voice lost it’s venom as his eyes lowered to the ground. He shouldn’t be doing this; if anyone should be getting upset, it’s Splinter. He’s the one whose children are dying. Dead. Casey gulped, shoving his hands in his pockets, ignoring the pain. “…I’m sorry, Master Splinter.”

“It is right that you are upset, do not chide yourself for that.” The old rat moved closer to Casey who turned his back, not wanting to show his weak eyes. “But anger is of no use to us here. We must be strong, vigilant, and patient.” He placed a paw on Casey’s shoulder, his voice growing soft. “Dear boy, you are very close to Raphael’s heart. You above all know his vigorous spirit.” Casey tensed, not able to turn and face Splinter. “Do not lose hope. If anyone has the strength to find his way through this, it is my son.”

The vigilante held his breath a moment, trying to draw strength from Splinter’s words. Raph was without a doubt the toughest guy he knew, and he wanted to believe this could all turn around… but his fears were rooted in experience. He’d lost people he loved before. He’d lost his Mother. People had said all the usual comforts: “I’m sure she’ll be alright” and “she won’t give up” and all that other BS. And Casey had believed it.

And then she was gone. And then he was alone. And it happened to Leo, what if it happened to Raph?

Stepping away from Splinter, Casey took off for the dojo, in desperate need of something to punch. He didn’t want to leave Raph, and every step he took away from his friend sunk guilt into his flesh.

But he needed to get away. He needed to breathe, to let the anger flow, to punch away his frustrations. He needed to get this out of his system so he could come back and be there for his buddies.

Splinter made no move to follow. He knew the desire for solace when he saw it.

A sudden crash drew Splinter’s attention and he caught sight of Mickey trying to pick himself up after having fallen to the ground by the lab door. “Michelangelo!” The Father was quick to his son’s side, helping him sit up and lean against the doorframe. He watched Mikey pant for breath, closing his eyes to a pain Splinter wished he could take on himself. “Are you alright, my son?”

“I wanna be there.” Mikey looked to his Father with determined eyes. “I wanna be with Raph. I wanna be with Donnie.”

“You should not be moving. Your body needs to—“

“We were separated by those cages for four days… I don’t want to be separated anymore.”

Splinter’s heart ached at his son’s words. He wished to be able to pick Michelangelo up and cradle him as he’d done when his children were young. “My son…”

“Please Sensei…”

After taking a moment to pause, Splinter wrapped Mikey’s arm over his shoulder, lifting him up. “You need rest.”

Mikey’s eyes widened as he tried to protest. “But—“

“But you may rest with me. With your brothers.” Mikey nodded in understanding. It took several long minutes even to move as close as the door to the med room. Mikey’s head pounded like it was trying to burst from his skull, and his chest ached in pain with every movement, however small.

Finally making it to the wall near the door, Splinter sat against it, lowering his son so his head lay in his lap. “Now sleep, Michelangelo. Allow your mind and body the chance to recover.”

“Sensei—“

“I will wake you should anything happen.” His tone grew firm. “Rest.”

Mikey knew he wasn’t likely to actually fall asleep, but being with his Father, near his brothers so they could fight together, he felt a small sliver of peace come over him. Splinter laid a paw on his head, caressing it gently as he would to soothe his young children when they cried at night. The gesture was nostalgic for Mikey, bringing a soft smile to his face as he closed his eyes in comfort. “Thanks Dad.”

Splinter pulled the blanket he’d dragged with him over his son, draping it down his battered frame. It made his heart flutter every time his children called him by that name...

As he held his youngest child, he silently thanked whatever force in the universe had stayed death’s grip on Michelangelo. The slight smile on his son’s lips brought a warmth to the lair that had been missing for far too long. A warmth to his heart he’d feared he would never feel again. “Thank _you_ , my son.” He breathed deep, allowing the comfort of this moment to settle into his spirit. “Thank you…”

Mikey listened as Splinter closed his eyes and began to chant healing mantras again, the steady rhythm of his Father’s low voice relaxing his muscles and soothing his throbbing head. His mind finally slowed, allowing the fog of slumber to sweep in. And within several of the most placid minutes of his life, Mikey fell asleep, his small smile still brightening the room, filling Splinter with the hope he so desperately needed.

 

* * *

 

It had been several hours since April burst from the med room with fear in her eyes. Several hours since anyone had seen or heard from either of the scientists trying to save Raph’s life. Several hours of Splinter trying to get the image of his second eldest son, lying still and lifeless on a table, with blood dripping everywhere, from terrorizing his thoughts.

Splinter hadn’t moved since Michelangelo fell asleep in his lap, both because he didn’t want to wake his son and because he didn’t want the moment to end. Holding one of his children, knowing he was going to be alright, was the only thing mooring Splinter to his strength.

Casey had returned after an hour or so of blowing off steam. He said nothing, no apology or explanation needed as he sat beside Splinter, ready to offer whatever stability he could. A slight grin tugged at his lips at seeing Mikey resting with their Sensei; it was amazing how watching someone sleeping peacefully could bring such relief. The three sat like that for the next few hours, waiting for news on their injured family member. Wishing, hoping, and praying it would be good.

At long last, the door opened.

Splinter woke his son, holding his shoulder to help him sit up as all three pairs of eyes turned toward the med room.

“Red!” Casey jumped up as April emerged, clothing covered in blood, eyes downcast, and features grim. “What happened!? How’s Raph!? Is he gonna be alright?” He watched her clear her throat as she tried to speak, but no words came. “…Red?” Her expression sent his fear rampaging. No. Dammit it, please no. Don’t say it. Don’t say he’s…

Leatherhead followed, putting a comforting hand to April’s shoulder, his eyes as despairing as hers.

“LH,” Mikey looked to his friend, terror radiating from his body. “What happened to Raph?”

All eyes were on the two in the door.

“He is…” The alligator shook his head at hearing how cracked his voice was; he would be strong for them. “He is alive.”

Splinter, Casey, and Mikey all released the breath they’d been holding, but Splinter held Leatherhead’s gaze, noting the defeat in his voice.

“He is alive, but still very fragile.” Again, all eyes were on the scientist. “There were… complications. And in his already weakened state, his body simply couldn’t handle it all.” Leatherhead set his shoulders, not wanting the others to know how much their pained expressions tore at his soul. “I’m afraid the stress was too much for him.”

“Quit beatin’ the damn bush and just tell us what’s goin’ on!” The drawn out explanation was driving Casey nuts; was Raph OK or wasn’t he!? Leatherhead glanced at April before speaking again.

“…He has fallen into a coma.” All oxygen drained from the room as Mikey, Casey, and Splinter tried to accept Leatherhead’s words. “Donatello managed to close Raphael’s wounds successfully, but with all the complications that arose, his body could do nothing but shut down.” The alligator averted his eyes slightly, trying to not betray his own worry. “…I am sorry.”

“Raph…” Mikey stared at the door, eyes wide with sorrow. Splinter squeezed his shoulder once more.

“It is alright, my son.” All his strength went to steadying his voice as he spoke. His family needed him to be calm now more than ever, even if his spirit was breaking. “The surgery was successful and that is what we must focus on right now. Your brother is strong… he will find his way through this.”

Mikey couldn’t look away from the door. “I wanna see him.” It wasn’t real. Couldn’t be real. He had to see his brother for himself.

Splinter nodded, standing with his son’s arm over his shoulder. Leatherhead came beside him and helped Michelangelo into the room as April stepped out of the door, leaning her frame against Casey’s chest. She felt his body trembling, but could offer no words of comfort; she’d just spent hours trying to save the life of a friend who was likely to die anyway. She had no more hope to give.

As Splinter and Mikey entered the lab, they saw Donnie standing over Raph, covered in blood, his forehead bent to his brother’s hand that he held in both his.

“Donatello,” The middle turtle didn’t move. “Donatello…” He put a hand to his son’s shell, which finally seemed to snap him from his thoughts. He looked to his family, blinking away the horror on his face.

“Sensei…” He swallowed hard, getting control of himself. “He’s still alive…”

“Thanks to you.” He saw Don hide a flicker of disappointment in his eyes. “Whatever happens is not your burden, my son. You have done all you can.”

Donnie nodded, setting Raph’s hand back on the table. He took one last glance at his brother before turning for the door. “I’m going to get a cloth.” The floor was still covered in blood and he needed an excuse to get out of this room.

Don walked calmly, his eyes strong and resolute as he fought the waves of fear and despair. The minute he cleared the door, nausea overtook him. He ran for the nearest wastebasket, only barely making it to one in the kitchen before he lost control. His stomach pitched it’s contents as he doubled over the bin, heaving and coughing on what little food he’d consumed the past few days. His abdomen retched several more times, bringing up bile when no more food was left. When his stomach finally calmed, Don stood, feeling a hand on his shell as he wiped his mouth, panting for breath.

“Are you alright?”

He turned to see Leatherhead’s worried eyes staring at him. “F-Fine.” His voice was shaky as he tried to steady himself, all nerves completely fried. The entire operation had been one terrifying minute after another, panic and dread building with each passing second. When the surgery finally ended and Don allowed himself to feel the full weight of what had just occurred, his stomach twisted in so many knots, he simply couldn’t untie them.

He hadn’t killed his brother. Raph was still alive. But he’d done something that caused all that bleeding, and that might be the thing that takes his brother’s life…

If Raph didn’t wake up, it would be his fault.

Another emotional fist met Don’s gut, sending him back over the waste bin. Leatherhead held him steady as he heaved, too tired and terrified to be embarrassed. When his body finally calmed, he felt himself trembling as Leatherhead helped him stand. “Let me bring you some water.”

Don could only nod as his friend went to the sink. As Leatherhead filled a glass, he heard a loud thump behind him and turned abruptly to see Don sprawled on the floor. Passed out.

 

* * *

 

“Raph!” Don awoke with a start, sitting up so abruptly his head swam in protest. A paw to his shoulder calmed his breath as he looked up at his Father. “Sensei…? Where—“ He held his head as recollection tried to settle in. “What happened? Where’s Raph!?”

“Easy Donatello, your brother is here.” Splinter pointed over his shoulder at the table in the middle of the room. Raph lay as still as he had been, the respirator still over his mouth and the machine beside him beeping ever rhythmically. Mikey sat in a chair at his side, holding his hand.

“Dude, you’re awake!” He smiled, bringing near instant comfort to Don, despite the reality of the situation smacking him in the face again.

“Mikey.” Donnie breathed the name as he looked around the room, still trying to remember what happened. “What—?”

“You passed out, bro. Turns out coffee actually isn’t a real substitute for sleep.”

Don would have smiled if he didn’t feel panic set in at knowing he’d been unconscious; he was supposed to be watching over Raph! “How long was I out?”

“A few hours.” Mikey saw the worry in Don’s eyes and raised a calming hand. “No worries bro, LH had ya covered. He brought you in here so you could be close when you woke up, and he’s been keeping an eye on Raph.”

Don still felt guilt well up at having passed out on his family. He finally managed to find some mental strength and his body failed him… typical. Attempting to stand, he felt Splinter come beside and help him up. “Where are the others?’

“April and Case went topside for some more supplies and LH is taking a nap on the couch. Dude needs it after that surgery…”

Finally making it to the table, Don’s mind drifted to the operation, his hands shaking at the memory of his fear. He moved beside Mikey who offered the chair next to him as Splinter sat near Raph’s head.  
“How you feelin’, bro? You looked pretty awful when LH brought you in here.”

“Fine, I guess.” He rubbed his head as he tried to ignore the headache that rose from his temples. The stress of the surgery must have been too much for his tired body, but he still couldn’t believe he’d passed out. He needed to be here for his family. Needed to be strong. “How’re you feeling, Mikey? Any pain? Nausea? Dizziness?”

The young turtle shook his head. “All good, dude.” Truthfully, his head still throbbed like there was no tomorrow, and his chest objected to movement of any kind, but no need to burden his brother with more than he already had to worry about. “I think you pulled me through the worst of it.” He pat his brother’s shell, trying to dispel the worry in his features.

Don took a small measure of comfort in that. “Good. That’s good…” He rubbed his eyes, feeling Mikey’s hand move to his shoulder.

Silence splayed over the room as Mikey and his brother enjoyed a moment of simple comfort, drawing strength from each other as they looked to their Father who was holding a hand on Raph’s forehead.

Mikey’s smile faltered as he watched Don check Raph’s vitals, frowning at how low they were. “He’s gonna be OK… right Don? He’s gonna wake up.” It was more a hopeful demand than actual inquiry.

The question brought an unwarranted memory to Donnie’s mind, of a time when Splinter was severely ill with pneumonia and Mikey asked that same thing about their Sensei. “Hope is the only thing stronger than fear…” He mumbled under his breath.

Mikey heard and turned sharply to his brother. Splinter noticed the look his sons exchanged, clearly missing something. “Donatello?”

“It’s something Leo—“ His throat tightened as he said his brother’s name, gaze falling to the floor. “Something Leo said when you were sick last year. We were all scared you wouldn’t pull through and he said that phrase to try and keep us positive. Said if we believed you’d get better, you would.” Don smiled sadly. “He was right.”

“The mind is more powerful than the body.” Splinter beamed slightly, proud of how wise his son had been. “I am sure it was your bright thoughts that brought me home.”

“Raph hated it.” Mikey added. “Said he’d seen the same thing scrawled in a fortune cookie.” The memory made him grin. “But you could tell he took it to heart. He only punched the wall every hour after that, instead of every five minutes.”

Splinter could picture it vividly.

“I think that was one of the few times I’ve ever seen Leo look lost.” Don caught his father’s surprised gaze. “He was really worried about you Sensei… we all were.” Splinter’s eyes softened as Don continued. “But he kept us together. Found a way keep us from giving up.” Just like he’d done in the prison. Just like he always did. “He always seems to know what to do…”

The somber silence that fell on the room was thick. All three thought to their fallen member, memories attacking their hearts like daggers.

Mikey folded his arms on the table, resting his chin on them as his eyes grew sad, a hand still gripping Raph’s. “I wish Leo was here…”

The sentiment hit hard, shooting pain through each of them like an exposed nerve.

Don held his brother’s shell, trying to give comfort as he held back his raging emotions. “Me too, Mikey… Me too.”

Splinter placed his free hand on Don’s shoulder, the other still on Raph’s head. “He is with us, my sons. Your brother will always be with us…”

As rain continued to pour on the surface, the small Hamato family clung to whatever light they could find, desperate for warmth in the harsh cold of reality.

Desperate for hope.

But one thing was certain: no matter the outcome, tragic or joyous, those who remained would stick together, holding to each other for comfort and courage.

Because they were Hamatos. They were strong. They were fierce. They were family.

And as long as they were together, they’d be OK.


	22. Memories

“Come on, Donnie. You really need to eat something.” April’s exasperation was unhindered as she placed the tray of soup on the nearest counter.

“I’m not hungry.” And truth be told, he was so worried, he doubted he’d be able to keep anything down. It had been just over twelve hours since the surgery, and Don’s stomach was still twisting in knots, threatening an upheaval if he weighed it down with anything other than water or coffee.

“Mikey?” April pointed to the food, but the younger turtle only shook his head.

“I’m good, thanks April.”

“Guys…” Crossing her arms, April sighed again. “I know you’re worried, but starving yourselves won’t help anything.” The two remained quietly staring at their brother, not acknowledging the truth in her statement. “Look… I’m gonna leave the tray here. All I’m asking is you eat a few bites, Ok? Raph wouldn’t—“ She paused at feeling how tense the air became on just the mention of their brother’s name. “…Just, try some.” She headed for the door, unable to stand the air in the room anymore.

The two turtles ignored the soup, both refusing to move from their spots at the moment. It had been a calm twelve hours, calmer than they’d had in a while. Raph’s heart hadn’t given out, which gave Mikey hope that his brother was recovering. But Don was less enthusiastic; Raph’s heart may still be beating, but his body was growing weaker with every passing minute. It was stuck in a vicious cycle: trying to rest so as to gain enough strength to heal, trying to heal so as to find enough strength to rest. The more it tried to heal itself, the weaker Raph got, and the less chance he had of waking. Don could practically see his brother slipping away… in his ever paling features, in his subtly slowly breaths, in the coldness of his skin… he was literally watching Raph slowly die in front of him.

His stomach churned. Don held his breath, trying to hide the wave of nausea that roiled from his gut. He didn’t have the strength to tell Splinter or Mikey, they didn’t need his pessimism weighing them down. But then, it wasn’t pessimism, it was fact. Raph was dying… had been since the moment Shredder stabbed him. That he was still alive was a miracle in and of itself, but that miracle didn’t seem fit to keep his brother from this coma. Or to bring him out of it. Whatever force was keeping him alive -be it strength, will, or an act of God- was waning. Raph was running out of time… and Don couldn’t do anything about it. Not even being in a real hospital would save his brother now… there was literally nothing he could do but keep vigil and pray this miracle continued long enough for Raph to recover.

Mikey giggling to himself brought Donnie from his thoughts. He blinked, not realizing how intently he’d been staring at Raph, as he looked to his younger brother. “What’s so funny?”

“Just thinkin’.” He giggled again, sitting up in his chair. “You remember the time Raph saw a spider in the shower? Lowered down right in front of his face.”

“As I recall, the spider was rubber, and you were the one who lowered it in front of him.”

“Haha, yeah,” A mischievous smile played across Mikey’s lips. “Dude was so freaked, he ran out the bathroom, down the hall, past the dojo and out the lair!”

Don couldn’t help the small snort of laughter at the memory of it. He’d watched Raph run past his computer, not but a towel around his waist and a terrified expression on his face. It wasn’t until Mikey came around, rolling in laughter with that little spider in his hands, that Don knew what was going on. “Didn’t he lock you in the bathroom that night?”

“Yup. Left me there till Leo woke up in the morning and broke me out.” His eyes glint with a familiar playfulness as he chuckled once more. “Worth it, bro! His face was priceless!" Don shook his head, wondering what on earth made Mikey think of that, when he saw his brother’s smile sadden. “You think if I do something like that now, it’ll make him mad enough to wake up?”

Ah. There it was. Hearing the sad tone in his brother’s voice made Don instinctively put a hand to his shoulder. But he gave no reply; what could he say? His mind was too crowded with the logic of reality to make room for words of comfort.

“Believe in your brother, my son. He will find his way home. I am sure of it.” Splinter had enjoyed listening to his sons reminisce. Seeing Michelangelo’s mischievous smile steal the worry from Donatello’s eyes, even if only for a moment, brought relief to his heart. And hearing about Raphael’s passion, being reminded of his strength and energy, gave Splinter the courage to hope. Hope that his son could fight his way home. Hope that they could be a whole family once more.

Almost.

The reminder of his lost son smacked him in the face, making him close his eyes momentarily so his children could not see the grief that passed through them. Splinter breathed deep, not allowing himself to dwell on his eldest for long; Leonardo was lost, but Raphael could still be saved. He needed to be here, present, lending whatever strength he could to his living children.

The time for mourning would come later.

A thin silence blanketed the room as all eyes stared at Raph, watching his chest rise and fall, listening to the constant beeping of the machine that kept him alive.

Mikey felt another memory bubble to the surface, and couldn’t help but share. “You remember that gameboy I found when we were kids?” He looked to Splinter and Don, his eyes sparkling in recollection. “It was during that month we had to go deep into the sewers to scavenge.”

Splinter remembered it well. It had been a time of economic downturn that hit New York hard: less money meant less waste from the people on the surface, leaving very little for his family to survive on. They had to travel farther and farther down the sewers to scour supplies, and his children were only eight years old at the time. It had been a trying season for the Hamato clan.

Don also nodded his recollection. “I remember. You found that thing buried in a pile of compost trash.”

“Yup! Crazy what humans will throw away, ain’t it?”

“Didn’t it have a crack in the screen?”

“Just a little one across the center. Made playin’ tougher, but that was nothing for the Master Gamer himself!” Mikey forget himself in the moment, puffing his chest out before immediately recoiling in pain.

“Careful.” Don shook his head at his brother’s antics, hiding how happy it made him to see Mikey’s old flair returning. “Wasn’t that thing the reason you fell down a drainage shaft?”

“Leo caught me, it was all under control! I thought it was pretty funny.”

“I fail to see the humor.” Michelangelo had been given a stern talk after that incident, but only after Splinter had calmed his beating heart. The shaft had been incredibly deep, and if his son had not been caught, he likely would not have survived the fall. It had been very close. But even back then, Leonardo’s reflexes had been incredible…

“So did Raph.” Mikey pouted. “Dude hulked out on me, snatched the game away and threw it down the shaft.”

“Your brother has always been very passionate about his concern for you three.” When Raphael was worried, it usually came out in anger. It was his way of protecting himself from his fears.

“Yeah…” Mikey smiled. “Lucky for me it washed down the sewers near the lair and Leo found it the next day.” Don smiled to himself, allowing a single chuckle to escape his throat. Mikey eyed him curiously. “What?”

“Leo didn’t find it, Mikey.” The younger turtle looked quizzical as he waited for an explanation. “Raph did. He felt guilty because you were so upset about it, so he went back to the shaft, climbed down, and searched for it. He was down there for hours. Eventually Leo figured out where he’d gone and went to find him.”

Both Mikey and Splinter’s eyes were wide at the realization. Don simply shrugged. “Didn’t you wonder how he’d dislocated his shoulder that morning?”

“I thought he’d just got carried away blowin’ off steam, like he always does.” Mikey’s jaw was ajar. “Then why’d Leo say he found it?”

“Raph made him.” He glanced at Splinter before continuing. “Said Sensei would figure out where he’d been if he gave it to you.”

Mikey’s smile faded as he tried to digest that information. “…He did all that… for me?” It wasn’t surprising that Raph would go so far to make Mikey feel better. It wasn’t surprising that he’d try to express his emotions by doing something instead of saying something. It wasn’t even surprising that Raph tried to hide it. It was that Mikey hadn’t seen it. He was usually the best of the four at reading his brothers’ emotions and understanding the meaning behind what they said or did. Usually. But to miss something so obvious, so meaningful… it made him wonder what else he might have overlooked over the years.

How many times had Raph been trying to tell him how he felt through subtle means that Mikey didn’t catch? How many times had they fought because Mikey didn’t try to see past Raph’s anger to what was hidden underneath?

And why did it take till his brother was dying on a table for him to realize it?

Mikey lowered his head, a forced, sad smile on his face. “This guy… always lookin’ out for me.”

It brought warmth to Splinter’s heart to hear how his sons took care of each other. He placed a paw on Raphael’s shoulder, pride brimming over his features.

“Yeah…” Don couldn’t bring himself to look at Mikey; seeing his sad smile would probably send his emotions rampaging again, and he needed to keep them under control.

“Well now it’s my turn.” Mikey’s voice was strong. Determined. Yet as gentle as if he was soothing a child. It made Don glance at him, despite himself. “You hear me, bro? It’s my turn to look out for you.” He placed a hand on Raph’s arm, hiding a flinch at how cold his skin was.

“I’m here, dude. We’re all here.”

 

* * *

 

Raph grunted as he gripped the pipe in front of him tighter. It’s not that he was afraid of heights, but this shaft was a lot deeper than he thought. He carefully grabbed for another pipe, lowering his foot another few inches to find more footing as he grumbled to himself. He glared down into the pit, making sure the criss-cross of piping went all the way to the bottom. He had to be careful, one slip or broken pipe and he was in a world of hurt. And all for a stupid video game.

He rolled his eyes at the thought of it, reaching for the nearest duct. The pipe beneath his feet suddenly crumbled, sending him into a freefall as the air left his lungs, gasping in surprise. He groped for the wall, desperate for anything to stop his fall. Finding a deep crack, he shoved his hand in it, closing his eyes to the fallout of his body slamming against the wall. It hurt more than expected, a searing pain shooting up his entire arm. He shouted, glaring up at the crack his hand was now stuck in. The good thing was he only had a few more feet till the bottom, the bad was that he’d have to try and climb up with a bad arm.

“Great. Just great.” He growled to himself as he tried to lift his body high enough to take the weight off his arm. He found a pipe nearby, kicking it to be sure of it’s stability before setting his feet on it. His hand was stuck tight in the wall and every time he tried to pull it free, his arm flared with pain. Raph puffed out an annoyed breath through his nose as he used his other hand to pull on his arm, leaning back to let gravity help him out. With another shout, he finally pulled free, but couldn’t stop gravity from pulling him the rest of the way down.

His shell hit the ground hard, making him cry in pain, clutching his bad arm. Well… he’d made it to the bottom. Now he just had to search through the gunk that surrounded him to find that gameboy. “This is stupid!” He shouted to himself. “It’s just a dumb video game! Mikey deserved to have it taken away!” He nearly fell down here and got himself killed because he wasn’t paying attention! Why should Raph have to go through all this just for a stupid toy!?

His mind flared with images of the look of betrayal his youngest brother had given him.

_“It’s not stupid! You see people playing them on TV and in movies all the time! It’s what normal kids do! …I just… wanted to know what it was like.”_

Raph growled again, eyes shadowed in guilt. He’d only been trying to keep his idiot brother from falling off a cliff while he played that stupid thing. He didn’t think it meant that much to him…

“Stupid Mikey.” He grumbled, unable to ignore the guilt that tugged at his mind. Taking a deep breath as he rolled over and sat up, Raph blinked to adjust his eyes to the darkness. He’d had a flashlight with him, but must have dropped it in the fall… just perfect. He could see a little, thanks to the light from the top of the shaft, but there were corners piled with sewer gunk that remained mostly shadowed, and knowing his luck, that’s where the dumb gameboy would be. So that’s where he started.

It had taken over two hours of searching before he was ready to quit. His arm was throbbing in pain, he was freezing cold, and he’d already had to kill three spiders that tried to crawl up his body. He was tired. And if Splinter woke up to find him gone, he’d be grounded to his room for a year.

_“…I just… wanted to know what it was like.”_

Raph glared into the darkness, setting his gaze resolutely. Just a little more… he could search a little longer.

It was another hour before Raph finally shifted a pile of gunk enough to see a light shining through: Mikey didn’t have a chance to shut off the machine before Raph threw it, thank goodness. He snatched it up, both grateful to finally be able to leave, and annoyed it took so long. “This stupid thing better still work.” He mumbled, shutting it off as he headed back to the wall.

Looking up the shaft to the light at the top, Raph scrunched his face in thought: how in the world was he gonna get out of here? If his arm wasn’t so useless, he’d probably be able to climb out no problem since going up was always easier than going down. But it looked a lot taller than it had from the top. What he wouldn’t give for a Donnie invention right now. If only he were taller… standing at only three feet wasn’t giving him any advantages.

He huffed a breath, getting himself ready to climb. “I swear, if I get back and Mikey only plays this thing once, I’m gonna shove it down his throat.” He was frustrated, enough that he couldn’t hide it, but the thought of the look on his brother’s face when he got his toy back brought an unexpected grin to Raph’s face. Rubbing his hands together, he jumped for the first pipe, grabbing it with his good arm and pulling himself up so his feet could catch the nearest crack. Alright… one foot down, a million more to go.

He looked to the next tube he could reach and attempted to grip it with his bad arm, but the minute he put weight on it, he felt a ‘pop’ in his shoulder, driving pain through his whole right side. He screamed as he fell back on his shell, clutching his shoulder and gritting his teeth. “Ah, crud.” He panted as he tried to sit up, glaring at the wall. “I never should have thrown this dumb machine in the first place.” He hadn’t meant to, it just scared him to think of Mikey get hurt by it. But he couldn’t tell his brothers that… “I’m sorry Mikey.” He sighed, staring down at the toy in his hand. At this rate, it wasn’t just the game Mikey wouldn’t get back. Raph knew the shaft had to lead out to another tunnel somewhere, but he’d be so much deeper than he’d ever explored with Sensei. He’d be lost. Without any way to find home.

Shaking his head, Raph walked to the wall, throwing his fist against it. “Stupid…” Stupid wall, stupid game, stupid broken pipe. He just wanted to make his stupid brother happy…

A rope landed next to him, startling him from his thoughts. He looked to the braided life-line, staring up the shaft to figure out where it came from. At the top, he saw a silhouette of someone, staring down at him. He’d know those blue eyes anywhere.

“Leo?”

“Grab the rope and climb up.” The elder brother called down.

“I can’t. My arm’s broke or somethin’.”

There was a pause as Leo thought. “Tie it around you and I’ll pull you up.”

“Yeah... right.” There was no way he was strong enough!

Leonardo rolled his eyes. “Just trust me.”

Raph didn’t see the point, but he complied. It was better than sitting down here in the filth. He tied the rope around his waist –which was extremely difficult with only one arm- giving it a light tug to make sure Leo was holding him strong. “Ready when you are.”

Raph felt himself being lifted from the ground with surprising strength. He looked up to find his brother, but couldn’t see him.

“Put you legs against the wall and walk as I pull.” Leo’s voice echoed down the shaft.

Ah, he got it now. Raph did as instructed and, after only a few minutes, was safely at the top. He saw Leo had wrapped the rope around another nearby pipe, using it as a pulley to help ease Raph’s weight. “That was pretty smart there, bro.” He admitted, untying the rope as Leo walked over to him. “How did you find me?”

“I heard you leave the lair and figured you were coming here for the video game.” Leo ignored Raph’s ‘how did you know’ expression, continuing. “When you didn’t come back after a few hours, I got worried.”

“Oh…” Raph averted his gaze to the floor, his left hand still clutching his arm. He felt Leo’s eyes inspecting his injury. “It’s fine. Just broken or something.”

“Dislocated, I think.”

Raph shook his head; Leo had been hanging out with Don too much. “I’ll be alright.”

There was a long pause before Leo spoke again. “…You could have gotten yourself killed. That thing is really deep.” He nodded to the drainage shaft.

“Mikey wanted the toy, so I got him the stupid toy.”

“He cares more about you than the toy, Raph. He wouldn’t want you getting hurt for it.”

Leo’s words sent ripples of emotions threw Raph’s body. He knew his brothers cared about him, but hearing it in words sometimes made it that much more… real. “Whatever. Let’s get outta here.”

Leo nodded, thumbing in the direction of the lair. “This way.”

The two walked in silence for several minutes, each lost in thought about what the other was thinking. Raph finally spoke up, swallowing hard at what he was about to say. “…Thanks… for coming to get me and stuff.”

Leo cocked an eye in his brother’s direction, slightly surprised. “It’s what we do, isn’t it? Brothers look out for each other.”

The cheese his elder was capable of was almost as bad as that stupid cartoon heroes show he watched. But that didn’t make the sentiment mean any less… “Yeah. Well… I’m glad you’re looking out for me big bro.”

“It’s what I’m here for.”

Raph watched as eight year old Leo walked past him with a younger version of himself. He could almost reach out and touch them. What was happening? Had he been visited by the ghost of Christmas past or something? He remembered this moment vividly. Remembered how excited Mikey had been to get that dumb game-thing back.

_“He did all that… for me?”_

The words echoed around him, and Raph was one hundred percent positive he knew that voice. “Mikey! Where are you?” His eyes darted in every direction, searching for his brother as the memory faded to black.

This again. Whatever it was had an overpowering ability to weigh Raph down. He searched amongst the blackness for his younger brother. “Mikey?!” But he was nowhere to be found.

_“You hear me, bro?”_

Raph turned sharply to see his brother sitting in a chair, staring at the ground with a sadness in his eyes that made the elder cringe. “Mikey…?”

_“It’s my turn to look out for you.”_

He didn’t know why, but the words his baby brother spoke brought enormous comfort.

A sudden light appeared in the distance, small and far away, but bright as a star. What was that? Should he head towards it? Didn’t people always say to move away from the light when you were dying?

Wait… was he dying?

Raph held his head in pain as images of his brothers locked in a prison, being tortured by Shredder, flashed threw his mind. Lightning, electricity, and pain filled his vision. Water, there was water. He was choking on it! Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t breathe!!

He puffed in shallow breathes as the images faded, leaving him tired and terrified… what was wrong with him? Whatever was going on, he could be sure of one thing: his brothers needed him.

Sucking in a deep breath, Raph set his eyes on the sliver of light ahead and ran toward it. “Hang on bros… I’m comin’.”

 

* * *

 

More time passed without notice as the Hamato family clung to their fallen member, waiting, hoping, and praying for a miracle. Raph’s heart had continued to remain generally stable, bringing a small measure of peace to all but Don, who still couldn’t find his way to bypassing reality in favor of belief in the impossible. But he held onto hope… that tiny, sliver of hope that told him as long as Raph was breathing, he had a chance. That hope that told him Raph had survived this long, he could make it a little longer. That hope that kept his family from ripping apart at the seams. So long as Raph still had a chance –however small it may be- their family, too, could survive. But Don knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if Raph died… that was it. Their family wouldn’t just break, it would shatter.

Or at least he would.

Even if Mikey kept his optimism and his smile, even if Splinter kept his calm and his wits, Don knew he couldn’t.

He would break. Snap in half like a twig against a rock. He still wasn’t sure he wouldn’t… He had yet to really feel the grief of their loss so far. The one thing Raph’s injuries offered was an escape; a reason to focus on something else other than their leader.

He was avoiding Leo’s death. Denying it. Running away from it like a hazardous disease that, if it caught him, would scourge his body, tear out his heart, and disintegrate his soul. He couldn’t even speak of Leo in the past tense when he talked, unless speaking of an old memory. Thinking of his brother as a ‘was’ instead of an ‘is’ made his heart churn every time. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if Raph got better and he lost that distraction… the idea of having to face life without their Fearless Leader shook him to his core.

A life without Leo… it was honestly unthinkable. He couldn’t picture it.

How would that work?

How could they ever go out on patrol again without Leo there to take charge and keep them focused? How could they ever train in the dojo without Leo’s critical gaze correcting them as they practiced? How could they ever do anything again without his death stabbing them in the gut?

Don shuddered at the thought of it all. It wouldn’t be right. Nothing would be right. Everything they did would always have this gaping hole where Leo should be, reminding them of their failures, mocking their pain, and stealing all hope of happiness.

Without Leo, who would be willing to listen to the detailed explanations of his inventions and how they work, and actually have some sort of understanding of it? Who would help him build his complex machines without saying that he owed them something in return? Who would come into his lab at three in the morning and remind him to go to sleep…

Feeling grief snake through his veins, Don shook his head; he couldn’t think of it now. The more he thought of Leo’s death, the more terrified he was to lose Raph, and his fears wouldn’t help the situation. He needed to be strong.

Mikey was being strong.

Mikey was telling stories and laughing at memories like nothing had changed. Like Raph was just sleeping and Leo was off training. Don could see that his smile didn’t always reach his eyes, but the fact that he was smiling at all was impressive. Don wished he had that kind of innocence: to be able to believe that everything would turn out OK, even thought the odds weren’t just stacked against you, they were falling on top of you. He wished he had that kind of strength.

But he didn’t. He didn’t have any kind of strength at all. Raph always had the physical covered, Leo the emotional, and Mikey the strength of heart. All Don had to cling to was his mind, and it had done nothing but fail him through this entire situation. He hadn’t been able to find an escape for his brothers before Raph had been hurt, he wasn’t able to heal his older brother with the surgery, he’d been too weak to save Leo, and he was helpless to be there for Mikey with all that weighing on his shoulders.

He was drowning. He was back in that prison, with the water raging around him and his lungs burning in desperation. It took all his strength just to keep himself from panicking like he had then; to keep from sucking in the water and just letting it take him.

To keep from giving in to those ever nagging thoughts that told him to just give up and let Raph rest.

The worst was knowing what it all meant: Shredder had won.

Shredder had broken him. Revealed his many weaknesses, took away all his strengths, and showed him and his family just how pathetic and useless he truly was. Even if by some crazy miracle they were able to pull through all this with their sanity in tact, Don would never be the same again.

He would never be able to trust himself again.

With all that had happened, he now knew his presence on the team was nothing more than a burden. If he could do nothing to fix his brothers, to help them when they needed him most, then he had no right to be part of the team. He barely had a right to be family.

_“We need you Donnie.”_

Leo’s voice rang through his ears again as his mind desperately tried to keep itself together.

_“You’re not useless. You’re keeping us strong. You’re giving us hope.”_

Don slouched his shoulders, closing his eyes as he pictured his eldest brother, tears threatening to brim over. “Leo…” What he wouldn’t give for him to be here right now. To hear his determination, his reasons not to give up. To feel his strength of will holding them up. To just… be here. Be alive.

“Don?”

The purple-masked turtle turned to his younger sibling; had he said that out loud?

“You OK bro?”

“Yeah.” He stood to check Raph’s vitals again, turning his shell to Mikey so his eyes wouldn’t betray him. “Just thinking.”

“About Leo?”

Don paused, knowing he couldn’t lie about it when he’d said their brother’s name out loud. “It’s nothing, Mikey. Don’t worry about—“

“Donnie…”

The gentleness in his brother’s voice was inviting, making him almost want to open up and spill his guts. But Mikey was already burdened with enough: one older brother was dead, one was dying… he didn’t need the third heaping all his troubles on his shoulders. “It’s nothing, honest. Just a memory.”

Mikey wanted to press the matter, but didn’t. Don wasn’t as closed off with his emotions as his other two older brothers, but he was much more difficult to read. Mikey couldn’t tell if the look in Don’s eyes was exhaustion or guilt, but he guessed it was likely a bit of both. “…It’s not your fault.”

Don’s entire body tensed, keeping his shell to his brother. “I don't—"

“I know you feel guilty Don. I know you think it was you who abandoned Leo just because you were the one driving, but it wasn’t. And we both know that if we hadn’t done what he said, we’d probably all be dead right now.” Mikey had been struggling with his own feelings of guilt over what happened; there was no getting around the fact that if any of them had been strong enough to simply walk on their own, Leo wouldn’t have had to carry them, they would have made it to the boat before Shredder even turned on that self destruct, and none of this would have happened.

But they couldn’t change any of that now. No matter how many times Mikey begged they could. “…There’s nothing you could have done.”

“I know.” Don said quietly, biting back the words he wanted to say. Biting back the pain those six words held for him. He knew… and that was the problem. There should have been something he could’ve done. Had he been stronger, he could have helped. Had he been thinking faster, he could have found a way to escape that didn’t require Leo sacrificing himself. Had he done anything of use, their brother might still be alive. But there was nothing… they were all too weak… too mentally and physically drained. Leo was the only one who’d had the strength to move. The strength to escape. The strength to protect the family.

“Don.” Mikey’s voice made the older turtle tense again.

“I know, Mikey. There was nothing any of us could have done.” It was incredible how painful his own words could be. He breathed deep, trying to hold to his promise that he wouldn’t lose hope and break down again. His mind had been going in circles for days. If he couldn’t find hope for himself, he could at least give some to Mikey. “But there is something we can do for Raph.” He shoved away his emotions, trying to find whatever strength he had left to comfort his baby brother.

“What?”

“Keep telling stories.”

Mikey cocked an eye, confused. “Are you saying you like listening to the sultry sound of my voice?”

“Not exactly.” Mikey deflated at the rejection as Don continued. “Recent studies at the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine suggest that, not only can coma patients hear you talking, the sound of familiar voices helps them wake up more rapidly. All the tests showed patients whose family members and close friends spoke with them, telling stories or rehashing memories, not only regained consciousness faster, but had an overall improved recovery.”

His brother’s entire demeanor seemed to brighten, and Don allowed himself a slight smile; it still amazed him how the slightest hint of happiness in their youngest’s eyes was enough to bring waves of relief to him. Don could only wish for that kind of power.

“So the more embarrassing stories we tell, the faster he’ll wake up!?”

“It’s not a guarantee, but it’s possible.” Don sat back down beside his brothers, careful not to disturb their meditating sensei while walking past him.

“I bet he’d wake up if I started telling the story about that time Leo convinced him to play Space Heroes dress up!”

“Mikey, we were three.”

“Exactly! Nothin’ like a toddler story to embarrass the life into him!”

Don chuckled lightly, shaking his head. Was it ever amazing to hear his brother’s goofy enthusiasm again. Don’s mind may not allow him to believe in a miracle for Raph, but he could always believe in Mikey.

Mikey had faith enough for both of them. And for now that would have to be enough.

“How did Leo convince Raph to dress up, anyway?”

“You don’t remember!?”

“It was a long time ago.”

The younger grinned, that mischievous sparkle returning to his eyes. “Well then, allow me to refresh your memory!”

From his chair, Splinter sat with his eyes closed in meditation, a small smile tugging at his lips as he listened to his children.

 

* * *

 

April sat in the kitchen, an untouched cup of coffee in her hand as she stared at the lair. Images of the time she’d spent here had been flashing before her like a movie reel, sending gut wrenching grief through her with each clip. This was where her life had changed for the better. This was where she’d found purpose. Found family. This was where she felt safest and most loved.

This was home.

But the comfort the lair normally brought had been broken. Marred by grief and terror.

And guilt.

It radiated from everyone like a candle in the dark, bright and unyielding. She hated seeing it. Splinter’s guilt at his son’s being hurt by his enemy, Casey’s guilt for not having been there to help, Mikey and Don’s guilt at losing one –possibly two- brothers and not being able to do anything about it, Leatherhead’s guilt for not finding them all sooner.

And her guilt… for not being able to magically make everything better. For not being there when her family needed her most. For letting a brother die at the hands of their greatest enemy.

It was all too much.

She knew –everyone knew- that the fault was Shredder’s alone. He captured them, he imprisoned them, he tortured them, and he took Leo from them. Shredder was responsible for it all. But that didn’t stop any of them from desperately wishing they could have done something… from feeling like they should done something.

April sighed, quickly wiping a tear from her eye as she tried to stop the endless onslaught of memories before her. She could see the brothers training in the dojo, watching movies on the couch, and devouring pizza at the table. She could see Don at his computers, Mikey playing his video games, Raph beating his punching bag, and Leo practicing his katas.

Leo lecturing his brothers for not practicing enough. Leo slicing pizza in the air with incredible precision.

Leo sparring with Raph. Playing pinball with Mikey. Handing Donnie tools.

Sitting across from her at this same table, that peaceful smile on his face that he always had when drinking tea.

_“What?”_

_“Do you always fall asleep while you drink?” April grinned, sipping her coffee._

_“Not sleeping, just enjoying the moment. Peace and quiet isn’t something we have in abundance down here.” Leonardo took another drink of his tea, closing his eyes again as he savored the calming herbs._

_April had noticed he looked more burdened than usual. She didn’t bother asking because she knew Leo’s answer would be to assure her he was fine, even if he wasn’t. “You ever think about heading out by yourself? Maybe finding a place of your own to stay?” She wasn’t necessarily suggesting he should leave, she was just curious._

_“I don’t think I could afford rent in New York. Besides, isn’t there a rule in most apartments that says no pets?”_

_April smiled at that, even though the truth of it was slightly depressing. “What about down here? Maybe finding your own part of the sewers to call home?” He just seemed so run down nowadays. She knew it was natural; teenagers being stuck with their families while desperate for independence was a part of growing up. Maybe it would be good for him to leave the nest and branch out on his own. It’s not like he wouldn’t still visit._

_“I’ve thought about it.” His small confession made April set her coffee down in surprise. “But I don’t think it’s something I could actually go through with.” His gaze shifted to look around the lair. “The guys are a pain in the shell, but they’re family. I don’t think I could ever leave them like that. That’s more Raph’s schtick.” In a rare unguarded moment, April could see the adoration in Leo’s eyes as he talked of his family. “Besides, we’ve always been stronger together. I couldn’t be the one to break that.”_

_Silence covered the two as April tried not to let on how surprised she was to have seen Leo so… open. She was about to say something when he spoke first. “These moments are enough. Tea and peace and quiet every once in a while are enough.”_

_“Tea, peace and quiet, and good company.” April added, raising her glass._

_Leo smiled, a heartfelt smile that April hadn’t seen in far too long, raising his cup to her in a ‘cheers’. “The best of company.”_

Sighing her grief, April wiped yet another tear from her cheek as she stood from the table. Sitting here alone wasn’t doing any good. She was too afraid of letting her emotions get away from her if she went to see Raph, and the last thing their family needed was another blubbering mess to clean up.

Without even thinking where she was going, she headed towards the grunts and groans of Casey destroying Raph’s punching bag. He stopped as he saw her in his peripheral vision, freezing at the look on her face. “…Babe? You alright?”

That was all it took. She held a hand over her eyes to try and cover the tears now streaming down her face as she desperately held back her sobs. Strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her close, which only made her want to cry more.

“What’s wrong, what happened!?” Casey’s voice was gentle but terrified. He thought something happened with Raph.

“Nothing.” She blubbered, trying once more to control her emotions. “It’s nothing.”

“Red…” His arms pulled her closer, voice soft as he held her trembling figure.

It took several minutes of fighting for control before she finally managed to stop the tears. Her body shook as if cold while Casey held her, his comforting presence barely able to penetrate her sorrow. “I can’t believe he’s gone…”

Understanding fell on the vigilante as he stroked April’s hair, sadness creeping into his eyes. “I know, Babe…” Seeing her so broken only reminded him of how overpowering his own grief was. Reminded him this wasn’t a dream… it was real.

Reminded him Leo wasn’t coming back.

“I miss him too.”

 

* * *

 

_“Don.”_

_He shifted in his seat, trying to block out the sound of his name so he could stay asleep._

_“Donnie.”_

_Something shook his shoulder as he groaned in protest, too tired to move._

_“Donatello.”_

_For some reason, hearing his full name was enough to bring him out of his sleep. He blinked his eyes open, flinching at the light from his computer screens stinging his eyes, as he focused enough to see who’d been calling his name. “…Leo?” He sat up, suddenly able to feel the ache in his shell from the way he’d been bent over his desk._

_“Sorry to wake you. Didn’t want you getting a crick in your neck like last week.”_

_Don cringed at the memory. Sensei had to use a healing mantra before he could move his head to one side. He stretched and yawned, waiting for his brain to wake up. “Thanks.”_

_“What were you working on so late?”_

_“A new machine I thought we might be able to use if the Kraang ever came back.”_

_Leo cocked an eyeridge. “What kind of machine?”_

_Don’s eyes seemed to light up at the question, always excited to explain his inventions. “It’s a machine with four compartments –one for each of us- and an arsenal of weaponry at it’s disposal. If I can scrounge up the parts, I can even add boosters to give it a certain level of flight. We all sit here,” He pointed down to his drawings. “The boosters would go here, and there’d be armor plating all around here for protection.”_

_“Like a giant robot?”_

_“More or less.”_

_Leo looked over his brother’s shoulder at the sketches in awe. “Mikey’s gonna love you for this.”_

_“Well, it’ll be a while before it’s finished. Finding parts is going to be difficult, and finding a space to build it and keep it will be even harder. But I think it could be a great first line of defense! Against the Foot or the Kraang or whatever knew psychopath we’re sure to attract next week.”_

_“Kind of like armor.” Leo noted, quietly._

_“In a sense, I guess.” Don seemed to be averting his eyes to his papers. He could practically feel Leo reading his mind through his physicality._

_“It wasn’t your fault, Don. Raph jumped into that mess all on his own.”_

_Don flinched, trying not to show his exasperation at Leo being able to tell what he was thinking so easily. “I know. But it was a close call… that Elite nearly stabbed him in the heart. If he hadn’t fallen when he did…”_

_“He only fell because you were smart enough to trip him with your bo. You saved his life.”_

_“He still got hurt.”_

_“He’s still Raph. It’s not your fault he jumped into that fight without knowing what he was dealing with.”_

_Don nodded, not wanting to argue. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to help. That moment had been so terrifying… he’d seen the katana coming for his brother’s chest, seen Leo and Mikey held off by other Elites, and it was only a panicked throw of his bo that had managed to do any good. In that moment, he thought he was going to have to see his brother die, and it scared him more than he cared to admit. A machine like this would keep something like that from happening again. It’d keep his brothers safe. Leo’s hand to his shoulder made him meet his brother’s gaze._

_“The machine’s a great idea Donnie, I’m sure it’ll do us a lot of good. But the best thing you can do for us, is to be there. ‘Cause it’s not your machines that keep us safe, it’s not your inventions that heal our injuries, and it’s not your gadgets that we trust with our lives. It’s you.” Leo watched Don’s eyes widen at his words. “So do me a favor, and stop killing yourself trying to coming up with ‘the perfect invention’ to help us out. Trust me, there’s nothin’ you can invent that’ll be better than having you out there with us.”_

_It had taken Don by surprise to hear such an honest and stirring speech by his brother. Perhaps it was the fatigue making him emotional, but he thought he might cry, he was so touched by Leo’s words. Not wanting the other to see the rampant emotions running through him right now, Don lowered his eyes to the floor. “Leo, I—“_

_“Come on, the giant robot can wait. You need sleep.”_

_“But Leo, I…” The words wouldn’t come. His mind suddenly started shutting down on him as his eyelids turned to led. Leo put a hand to his shell, guiding him to his cot in the corner as Don simply tried to process what just happened._

_“Trust me, your brain will thank you in the morning.”_

_Don practically fell into his bed, his body clearly desperate for the comfort of sleep. But he couldn’t yet. He had to say something… He felt Leo cover him with a blanket and head for the door as Don’s eyes started to close._

_“Night Don.”_

_“Night Leo…”_

Don had wanted to tell his brother what his words meant to him, how what he said really lifted a weight off his shoulders, even if only temporarily. He’d wanted to reply in kind with a compliment for his leader, but his brain shut down far too fast for him to say anything.

The next morning he had woke to find several scraps of metal and circuit boards sitting beside his desk in a neat little pile, all of which were essential pieces for his latest invention. Apparently Leo had gone out that night and searched for parts after putting Don to bed.

_“Not that you need it, but it’s for your armor. Just don’t stay up till dawn tinkering with them. It’ll interfere with your training.”_

The pieces Leo had found weren’t easy to come by. Donnie had calculated he’d be searching for months to get them because they could only be found in very specific compounds, and usually in irreparable condition. Leo had to have been out all night searching for them…

But that was Leo. That was the kind of brother he was. Stubborn, determined, and loyal to a fault.

Leo wouldn’t have left him to die in that prison.

Leo would have found a way.

Don sighed at the sudden memory, getting annoyed at himself with how circular his thinking was: every time he found a way to ease or ignore his grief and his guilt, they came back a few minutes later, more potent than ever. He couldn’t think of it. Had to focus on Raph… But his mind just couldn’t let it go.

He missed Leo. No… that wasn’t enough. ‘Miss’ wasn’t a strong enough word. He felt… broken. Like a computer missing a hard drive: still technically working, but unable to function in any way. He hadn’t told his brother how much he meant to him… hadn’t told him what an amazing leader he was, or how his dedication and drive were often what inspired Don to keep going himself.

Grief once again took a strangle hold of him, dragging him down to a dark place where he didn’t know how to fight, didn’t know how to breathe, didn’t know how to survive. Glancing around the room, he desperately wished for anything to take his mind from his own thoughts. But Mikey had fallen asleep after hours of telling stories, and Sensei was either sleeping or meditating, Don couldn’t tell which. He was alone. No distractions, no where to run, nothing to hide behind.

_“How could you!?”_

No. Please no. Not that. Anything but that.

_“Raph nearly got killed trying to protect Mikey and you just sent him off!”_

Please, don’t think about it. Block it out.

_“You didn’t even try! You just assumed this was the only course of action and gave up our baby brother!”_

Shut up! Just shut up!

_“He trusted you! We both did! And now he’s probably not coming back!”_

Don covered his ears, trying to hide from his own words. Words he’d shouted in fear. Words he’d shouted at Leo.

That was only a few hours before he’d died… He’d blamed his older brother for what happened to Mikey, even though he knew Leo had to be blaming himself for it already. And still he’d heaped more guilt on their leader, terrified of not having someone to blame for everything. Terrified of blaming himself.

That was the last real conversation he’d had with his brother. They’d chatted with Raph and Mikey a bit after that, but it was nothing more than idle prattle to keep them awake. The last time he actually _talked_ with Leo, he shouted those things. He threw blame in his face and rubbed it in without thought.

_“You’re right Don. Maybe there was more I could have done.”_

He’d accused Leo of not trying to help them! Leo, of all people!

_“I’m the leader. I got us into this mess, and I take responsibility for what happens here.”_

And Leo just accepted the accusation like it was true… He had to know Don didn’t mean it, he had to know it was fear talking, not him!

_“We need you Donnie.”_

A sudden realization came over Don that made his stomach threaten to heave: that was when Leo had said those things. Everything about how he was giving them hope and keeping them strong… he’d said all that after Don’s outburst.

_“I need you.”_

In their last conversation, Leo had lifted his spirits, when Don had only thrown blame.

“Leo…” Don’s eyes widened in horror at himself. What had he done…? “I’m sorry…” A tear slipped down his cheek. “I didn’t mean it!!” Another tear followed and Don could do nothing to keep from falling into his pit of despair. This wasn’t just guilt… it was torment.

“You had to know I didn’t mean it!” But there was no taking it back now. No making it right.

He couldn’t take it.

If he’d had the strength to run, he’d have fled, then and there. But with barely enough will to stand, all Don could do was sit in his chair, cover his face, and beg the world to leave him alone. His body quaked as he tried wildly to keep his tears inside. To keep from screaming. To keep from breaking down again. He gasped for breath as sorrow finally overcame him. No… he’d promised he’d keep himself together! He couldn’t keep doing this!

_“How could you!?”_

Please! No more!! Pressing his hands firmer against his face, he felt anguish knocking down the barrier he’d been building since the explosion. And finally, Don let himself cry.

Tears poured down his cheeks in unending streams. Tears from the guilt of what he’d said. From knowing he could never do anything to make it right.

Tears from finally facing the fact that his brother was dead.

He felt a hand on his arm and turned to see Mikey staring at him, eyes wide with worry and brimming with tears of his own. “Mikey…” But he was too drowned in his own remorse to fight it back now. The younger reached forward, pulling his brother into a desperate hug that Don fell into willingly.

“I’m so sorry!!” Don sobbed, clinging to his younger brother. His lifeline. He could feel the same pain in his heart stabbing at Mikey’s. He could feel the sobs wracking his younger brother’s body as they did his. They’d both been holding it back for too long. Both needed to face their grief.

And both were wholly unprepared for how much it would hurt. How much physical pain that heartache would bring.

How much they’d desperately miss their brother.

“Leonardo!”

 

* * *

 

Away from the grief stricken lair, down in the bowels of the sewers, a large tunnel of brick with not but a small stream of water running through it, stretched for miles in either direction. Rats gathered around trash that had washed in from areas unknown, and spiders made their homes in the gaps between the pipes overhead.

Everything in the area screamed lost and forgotten.

A sudden wind blew through the tunnel, lifting pieces of trash to dance on it’s breeze. Out of seemingly nowhere, thunder shook the ground, scattering the mice and rats, as a hole appeared in the air, lightning weaving circles around it’s outer edge.

A black hole.

A body appeared through the portal, placed carefully onto the cold floor.

And just as suddenly as it had appeared, the anomaly was gone, a wild gust of wind left crashing through the tunnel in it’s wake.

The figure on the ground lay motionless, eyes closed to the critters now sniffing at it’s body. No breath. No signs of life.

There, lying still as the grave, in the farthest corner of a place long forgotten,

Was Leonardo.


	23. Come Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Circular thinking means a lot of repetition. Apologies. You guys would tell me if it was getting old, wouldn't you?

It was like getting punched in the gut. One of those hard punches that catches you off guard and explodes pain everywhere, forcing you to the ground. The kind that shoves the air from you with enough power that you think you might throw up.

That’s what it was like seeing Don break down.

That’s what it was like accepting Leo was dead.

Only ten times worse.

Mikey’s heart didn’t just go out to Don, it felt like it physically broke for him. The pain in his eyes was piercing, like daggers digging into Mikey’s soul. He had no idea what happened to make his older brother hurt as he did, but whatever it was seemed to open the floodgates for both of them to come to terms with reality.

To accept that Leo was gone.

Even though Mikey had felt his grief in pieces already, there was that ever positive voice in the back of his mind that said Leo could still be alive. Leo could have got out. It seemed impossible, but so had escape from their prison, and he’d found a way out of that.

But that voice was fading; drowning in the flood of acceptance that Mikey’s heart could no longer hold back.

Leo was dead.

A rush of cold despair swept through the young turtle, causing him to shiver as he clung tighter to Don’s embrace. Neither could talk. Neither could move. Neither could stop the grief.

All they could do was hold to each other, let the tears fall, and pray the pain would go away.

But it wouldn’t. How could it? How could it ever stop devouring their souls when Leo was gone for good?

They’d never see him again. Never watch him train, never follow his lead, never see him defeat an enemy with such ease as only a true ninja could.

They’d never eat with him, watch movies with him, spar with him, or meditate with him again.

They’d never laugh with him. Never fight with him. Never hug him or argue with him.

Never simply be with him… ever again.

That presence in their lives was gone. That leadership, that wisdom, that protection… all gone. Taken. Forever.

And Mikey felt it’s absence. Felt it in the very core of his being. Felt it burning a hole in his heart.

It hurt like nothing he’d ever felt before. Not even the Shredder’s torture came close. This was a whole new level of agony that Mikey hadn’t even known existed… and begged the universe to keep him innocent to.

Begged to be spared the crushing despair of this loss.

Begged to have Leo back.

And every gut wrenching, breath stealing, heart ripping pain of despair he felt, he could feel tenfold in his brother. Whatever it was that had sent Donnie over the edge was engulfing his very being, threatening to take Mikey with it, and he didn’t even know what it was. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He was too afraid to know the answer.

Don had been a pillar of strength through this whole ordeal: taking care of his injuries, helping Leo care for Raph, facing Shredder with not so much as a hitch in his step. He even had the brilliance to discover where they were! It wouldn’t surprise Mikey to find that Leo figured out an escape because of Donnie’s information.

Don had kept them all functioning in that prison. Kept them from dying. Don had figured out the ship so they could escape. And Don had the strength to do what Mikey knew neither him or Raph could ever have done… he’d left Leo. He’d closed those doors, steered out of that prison, and sent them on their way home. Mikey knew that guilt was eating his brother alive. He’d tried to take it from him earlier in the day, but when it came to guilt, Don could be as stubborn as Raph.

Maybe it was that burden that weighed his brother down now. Maybe it was Raph’s terrifying surgery.

Maybe it was everything.

Maybe it was Don, the problem solver who wouldn’t give in to emotions until all avenues and possibilities had been tried, finally hitting a dead end. Finally running out of ideas. Finally allowing himself to feel it all.

And all Mikey could do was hold him. He couldn’t inspire Don with a stirring speech about hope and faith and how they needed to stay strong, like Leo.

Leo was dead.

He couldn’t help bear the weight of his brother’s burdens with the strength and protection of his presence, like Raph.

Raph was dying.

And all Mikey could do was cling to Don for dear life, trying to quell his brother’s despair while wading through his own.

Time ticked onward unnoticed as the desolate wails of grief that had haunted the lair moments before now dwindled to soft whimpers and sniffing back tears, both brothers trying to find their way back to sanity. Their embrace seemed to be the only thing keeping them glued together, and neither could pull from it for fear they’d come apart at the seams.

“I shouted at him.” Don’s voice was so quiet it was nearly swallowed by the air of sorrow surrounding the two. “When he volunteered you to go with Shredder, I thought you weren’t coming back, and I shouted at him for sending you away.” Saying it out loud only made it hurt more. He didn’t even know why he was admitting to it, only that he didn’t have the strength to stop it. His eyes screwed shut as more tears trickled from them, landing on his brother’s shoulder.

“You were scared, dude. We all were.” Mikey sniffed, trying to sound as convincing as possible with his face still buried in Don’s shoulder. “He wouldn’t hold that against you.”

As much as the older turtle wanted to accept his brother’s words, they couldn’t penetrate the layer of guilt that was solidifying around his heart.

“He knew you loved him, Don. He knew…”

That did. Donatello wrapped his arms tighter around Mikey, squeezing his eyes shut as tight as they’d go, desperately trying to hold back the tears. There were no words to express how grateful Don was to have his younger brother here… to know he wasn’t going to go through this alone.

While Don wished he could be the strong older brother, the one who kept everything locked up and stood calm amidst the storm, he knew this was too much. For both of them. They’d need to lean on each other if they were to get through this nightmare, and Don would have to accept that.

But he swore to all the powers that be, that he would make sure he was there for Mikey. Whatever he needed. Don wouldn’t lose himself in his own misery and let Mikey fend for himself… he’d be there for comfort and support, no matter how much it hurt. No matter how much his mind begged to never speak of this again.

No matter how much he wanted to run away from it all.

 

* * *

 

Heavy. It was too heavy. His body weighed him down too much. And tired. Damn he was so tired. His mind betrayed him, allowing the darkness to seep into it’s crevices and taunt with the promise of sleep. It was tempting… oh so tempting. The idea of being able to close his eyes and rest. Finally rest.

Rest forever.

His legs fell from under him, dropping his body hard to the ground. His eyes snapped up, searching wildly for the light. But it was fading… Mikey’s voice was disappearing, and with it, the light.

“Come on, get up.” Raph ordered his body into motion, but it protested, refusing to bring his legs up underneath him. The shadows around him tugged at his consciousness, caressing him with their promise of sleep. Their promise of peace.

_“I’m sorry…”_

No more than a whisper, but he knew that voice. “Donnie…?”

_“I’m so sorry!”_

He sounded… broken. Defeated. That wasn’t like him. “Don?” His voice echoed back at him, mocking his collapsed form.

Something was wrong. Again, he saw images of his brothers being tortured, his family being torn apart. An explosion…

Something was very wrong.

Pulling away from the tendrils of sleep, Raph forced himself to stand. A little longer… he could go a little longer. His brothers were in trouble. Had to get to them. Had to help.

Head towards the light. Find them. Keep them safe.

Had to protect his brothers.

 

* * *

 

“Dude only barely managed to avoid the oncoming truck!” Casey’s hands raised in animation with his commentary. “Then he just brushed himself off and asked if I was OK!”

Mikey’s eyes were wide with delight as he listened to Casey’s tale. Even Don couldn’t help the small grin that grew across his lips. Mikey shuffled in his seat anxiously. “So what happened!? Did you catch the guy?”

“You even have to ask?” Casey’s face twisted with sly fondness at the memory. “We took to the roofs and found him half a block away, hiding in an alley. That’s when we decided to have some fun with him.” He stood, mimicking the actions in his story. “Raph hauled him up by the ankle and told him he was an alien and was lookin’ for humans to experiment on. Dude’s eyes went wide as basketballs— I darn near wet myself, I was tryin’ so hard not to laugh!”

Mikey bubbled with laughter at the mental image of his older brother scaring the life out of some clumsy mugger. April could only shake her head, she remembered hearing this story before. It was apparently a favorite of Casey’s.

It had been distressingly quiet in the room when the group showed up to offer tea and lunch and their company. They’d given the family some space by opting for a nap at April’s apartment, returning to find Don and Mikey beside each other in a half hug, watching their older brother with an air of strength around them that April hadn’t felt since before this whole mess began. And with Casey’s enthusiastic story added to the mix, it almost felt like life had breathed into the room once more.

“Then Raph tells him he won’t take him back to the mothership if he turned himself in to the cops. Well, 'course, this guy books it down the street and runs right into the side of a cop car! Falls to his knees shoutin’ ‘bout aliens invading earth—I bet he’s still locked up in the loony bin! I ain’t ever laughed so hard in my life! Priceless!” He sat back in his chair, a toothy grin on his face as he sighed in contentment. “Best birthday I ever had…”

“Ol’ Raphie-boy sure knows how to show a guy a good time!” Mikey said between giggles, his hand on his stomach to calm his laughter.

“Yup! Best friend a guy could ask for!” The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them, bringing a melancholic hush about the room. All the vibrancy that had been there moments before was washed away by one short sentence. Casey mentally cursed. He couldn’t help but stare down at the frail form of his friend, feeling his stomach flip in anger at how pale he looked. He huffed out his boiling emotions, trying not to go off again. “Dude’s practically invincible, nearly been killed hundreds of times- ain’t no way he let’s Shred-Head win. He can beat this…” He said it loud enough for the room to hear, but the words were more of a reminder to himself.

The melancholy of the room didn’t abade, everyone staring at the pale turtle on the table, silently wishing, hoping, and begging he’d open his eyes.

Casey took one look at Mikey and Don’s faces before abruptly excusing himself from the room under the guise of grabbing some coffee. He tried, he really did. He wanted to be by Raph’s side. He wanted his friend to know he was there for him. He wanted to help the brothers in any way he could.

But he just couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take watching Raph slowly die, he couldn’t take seeing Mikey and Don as pained as they were, and he couldn’t take knowing there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

It was just like when his mom died. Just as slow. Just as agonizingly helpless.

He couldn’t do it. Not with Raph. Not with his best friend. His brother. Not with the guy who could fight off fifty Foot with not but two fists and a smirk on his face. Not the guy who could run head-first into a burning building to save his friend, and come out the other side with not even a burn to show for it. Not the guy who’d knocked at death’s door far too many times to count, and always found the strength to bar it closed so he could stay amongst the living.

Not the guy who’d saved him from a life of rampant anger and hollow loneliness.

The guy who’d been there through thick and thin, shell to back, always ready to fight beside him, no matter what the battle was.

Not Raph.

Stepping into the kitchen, Casey’s hands balled into fists as he tried to steady himself. He wasn’t going to run off again. He couldn’t. Raph needed him and that was all there was to it; he could suck it up. He had to be here. He chided himself, trying to talk his mind into going back into the room, but his feet remained glued to their spot.

Gentle arms wrapped around his waist from behind and he tensed at the embrace, immediately unable to keep his emotions locked up. “I can’t do it… I can’t just watch him die in a bed like that. It ain’t right. It ain’t how he’s supposed to go…” It was a confession made from guilt at being such a terrible friend that he couldn’t even sit by Raph’s bedside as he fought for his life. But it was the truth… Casey had always suspected Raph might be the first turtle down in the years to come, but not like this. Not from some coward stabbing him in a dark room. Not from lying in a bed, weak as a mouse, barely able to keep breath in his body.

And sure as hell not without Casey. They were supposed to go down together.

“I know.” April made no attempt to turn him around or look him in the eyes, knowing her own fragile emotions probably couldn’t take seeing the pain in his face.

“He has to come back, Red. He has to.” Casey’s eyes misted over as he slammed them closed, shutting in the tears. No way he was letting them fall. Raph would never let him live it down… “They need him." His hands shook as anger born from grief seared through his body. “I need him…”

April’s arms drew Casey closer, wishing she had any comfort to offer. But once again, she was left speechless. “I know…”

 

* * *

 

“That’s so cool! He’s riding that shield like a skateboard! Dude, I should try that!” Mikey’s animated flailings were impeding Raph’s view.

“Down in front, doofus.” He said, flicking popcorn at the tied orange mask to emphasize his point. Mikey lowered himself back to the floor, watching the movie with wide eyes.

“I don’t know that their strategy is sound.” Leo commented, crossing his arms as he leaned back on the chair. “If the orcs were trying to kill all the humans and they had the ability to make a bomb, why not blow up the mountain their fortress is attached to? It would take down the soldiers and the people hiding inside.”

Sometimes it worried Raph how chillingly detached Leo could be. He watched an admiring smile cross his brother’s lips as the movie rolled on, flipping back to Aragorn. Leo loved Aragorn. Probably had something to do with him being the leader and all that. “I think the dwarf and the elf got the right idea; next time we should try betting to see who can take down the most Foot.” A sudden weight on his arm made Raph turn to find Donnie passed out on his shoulder.

Raph’s immediate reaction was to brush his brother off and tell him to go to bed if he was so tired, but he paused. Don had pulled all nighters the past two days straight trying to fix the Shellraiser after it was nearly totaled in their latest bout with Shredder and his goons. Not to mention the good two hours he’d spent stitching up Raph’s leg which had been pierced by a lucky tanto swing.

Guy looked exhausted. Deep bags under his eyes, slack face, and brow furrowed in worry. Always worried. Don worried way too much about them, on occasion. Normally that was Leo’s department.

Shaking his head, Raph carefully reached beside him and pulled a blanket off the couch to cover his brother. He wasn’t keen on the idea of cuddling, but Don needed sleep or he was going to drive himself to an early grave, and Raph knew with their luck that wasn’t just an expression.

Keeping as still as possible, Raph focused back on the movie.

“Whoa, yeah!! Man, I need to get me a bow! I bet I could totally be a—“

“Mikey, shut it.” He whispered harshly.

“Dude, don’t be—“ Seeing Don passed out on Raph’s shoulder gave him pause. “Well look who’s finally conked out. How long’s he been asleep?”

“A lot longer than you ever will if you don’t keep your voice down.” Don clearly needed sleep, and come hell or high water or Mikey, Raph was going to be sure he got it.

“Maybe we should turn the movie off.” Leo offered, now also looking at their dozing brother.

“Nah, let it run. Just keep megaphone mouth over there quiet, and he’ll be fine.”

Mikey smiled. “I know I’m supposed to be insulted, but I kind of like the name.”

A roll of Raph’s eyes was the last of their exchange as they continued to watch the movie in relative peace.

When it finally ended, Leo stood, readying to move Donnie to his bed. “You need help carrying him?”

“He’ll wake up, you know he will.” Raph glanced at his leg a moment before looking to his younger brother. “Leave him be. I’m not tired yet anyway.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet of you, Raph! Can I sleep on your other shoulder!?”

“Try it and you’ll be eating couch feathers till Christmas.”

Leo put a hand on Mikey’s shell, guiding him away before they woke the sleeping turtle. “Come on, Megamouth, it’s time for bed.”

“That’s megaphone mouth, thank you very much. And it’s only eleven! I’m not even tired!”

Raph heard the conversation fade as his brothers walked away, content to sit in the silence a while. He gently readjusted his back against the couch cushions, trying to keep as still as possible so his brother could sleep. Admittedly, it wouldn’t be a comfortable night for him, but Don needed the rest more than he did. He could put up with it for one night. “But that’s all you get, bro. Tomorrow you’re sleeping in your own damn bed.” And Raph made a mental note to make sure Don did, or at least to make sure he slept at all.

A slight shuffle by his brother made Raph glance at his tired face once again. He idly wondered how many nights Don stayed up tinkering with one invention or another that was supposed to help keep them safe. He sighed audibly, pulling the blanket tighter around his brother. “You gotta learn to take care of yourself, egghead. ‘Cause I ain’t always gonna do it for ya.” His voice softened as he place a hand on Don’s shell. “We need you more than we need your machines, OK?”

He felt Don relax even more into his shoulder and exhaled another sigh. One day he would learn to say these things to his brothers when they were conscious. Grabbing the pillow beside him and fluffy it up for support, Raph settled in as best he could. Just this once. He’d let this slide just this once. Next time he’d kick Don off the couch like he would have done any other night.

“Sleep tight Don.”

Raph watched himself sit in that uncomfortable position on the couch with his brother on his shoulder. He remembered this… He remembered because it turned out that Don was sick the next day and Raph ended up staying with him for two more nights. It had pissed him off to no end that his ‘genius’ brother had worked himself sick, especially since it wasn’t the first time it’d happened.

Another figure entered the memory and Raph saw his older brother come to the couch, a somber smile on his face as he grabbed a blanket from the nearby chair to cover Raph. He didn’t remember that...

_“I ain’t ever laughed so hard in my life!”_

He knew that dopey accent anywhere! “Casey!” Raph whirled around as the memory before him melted into the darkness. “Casey, where are you!?” Dammit, not this empty void again! What the hell was going on!?

_“Best friend a guy could ask for.”_

“Casey!” Raph groped around in the blackness, trying to find any sense of direction. Were his feet even touching ground? Where was the voice coming from- he couldn’t see a damn thing!

Weariness dropped on his shoulders like a boulder, making him fall to his knees. His eyes began to droop, and in the darkness it was difficult to tell if they were open or not. He needed sleep… maybe he should just lie down for a bit…

_“He does tend to go to extremes to keep us safe, doesn’t he?”_

“…Donnie?” Raph forced his eyelids to open, greeted with a distant image of his younger brother in a chair, staring down at something as though it was the broken remains of a treasured possession. “Don…” He tried to stand but his shell felt too heavy.

_“Yeah… I don’t know what we’d do without him.”_

His youngest brother appeared beside Don, that same forlorn look in his eyes. “Mikey…” He tried to shout to them so they’d know he was there, but his voice was too weak. “Mikey! Don!” They didn’t move.

Suddenly they disappeared, darkness swallowing Raph’s world once more. “No!” He tried to reach for them, but his legs were cemented in place. Come on, get up! Get up!

“My son!”

Raph turned sharply, hearing Splinter’s voice echo around him. “Sensei!” No figure appeared to go with the voice this time. “Sensei, I’m here!”

“My son, we are here for you!”

His father’s cry sounded urgent, almost afraid. Sensei was never afraid. What was going on? “Dad, I’m comin’!” His own voice seemed to be swallowed by the blanket of nothing surrounding him. “I’m comin’.”

The light appeared in the distance, giving Raph something to focus on. It seemed bigger and brighter than it had before… he must closer. That meant he was actually moving in the right direction.

Get on your feet Raph. Get up.

Find your family.

 

* * *

 

The room had watched Casey and April leave, no one speaking a word. They all felt the same way…

They needed Raph to wake up.

“Sensei’s been meditating a while, you think he’s OK?” Mikey asked, trying to clear the blanket of tension that smothered the room.

Don glanced at Splinter: brow still furrowed in concentration, head bowed, and a hand gently placed on Raph’s shoulder. “He might be trying to reach Raph’s spirit… bring him back.”

“Oooh, like Leo did when—“ Mikey’s words caught in his throat at the pain that gripped him. Was there ever going to be a time when saying his brother’s name didn’t drive a steak through his heart?

Don nodded, avoiding eye contact in favor of staring at Raph’s chest, making sure it rose and fell. “Like what Leo did when Sensei was sick.” He finished for his brother. In all honesty, Don didn’t put much stock in such ideas. The whole talking to spirits thing was hit or miss: he could see it’s value in terms of a belief system, but practical application was more theoretical than legitimate. Leo had always been the one who took that part of their training to heart. Don always felt he needed more proof.

But in their current situation, he’d be willing to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster if it meant keeping Raph with them. “Leave him be, Mikey. Whatever he’s doing, I’m sure it’s important.”

Don watched as Leatherhead changed Raph’s IV bag, thankful for the help. Their scientist friend had been mainly quiet since Don’s collapse, but his presence was always there, offering help wherever he could. He’d even joined in the “story circle”, as Mikey had dubbed it, telling of a time when Raph had aided the mutanimals in freeing Slash from the Kraang. It made Don wonder if they should contact him… after all, Slash and Raph had been very close back in the day.

In the end, he decided against it; they didn’t need to crowd the lair with worried faces and pacing friends. As much as they deserved to know, Don thought it best to wait. Wait till what, he had no idea. Wait till Raph somehow got better? Wait till he got worse?

Wait till he died?

Wait he knew how to tell them about Leo?

He choked back some bile that rose in throat, trying not to allow his emotions to overload him again. He knew he needed to allow himself time to grieve, but for his own sanity, couldn’t he go five minutes without wanting to break down and weep like a child? It was annoying, to say the least, to have something run so rampant about him where normally he held such careful control.

He sighed once more, trying not to let his frustration show on his face.

“What about you, Don?” Mikey sat up his chair, looking to the purple masked turtle. “Do you have any stories to share?” He watched his brother closely, hoping he wasn’t activating an emotional landmine by asking for him to share a memory. Truth was, he felt like that’s all he’d been doing the past while. Every time he told a funny story or shared a cherished memory, he could feel the temperature of the room drop from sad to wallowing in despair. Don had said telling stories could help Raph come back, but he wasn’t sure it was doing any good for the others around him.

But what else could Mikey do? No amount of jokes, pranks, or slapstick comedy was going to make any of this go away. So if he couldn’t cheer the others up, he would do the only two things he knew could be useful: he’d stay positive, and he’d keep telling stories to bring Raph back.

“Most of mine aren’t very exciting.” Don thought a moment, trying to come up with a memory that might make a good story like Casey’s. But many of his most treasured memories with Raph either involved the elder protecting him from being hurt -which he wasn’t sure he had the strength to tell right now- or small acts of kindness that certainly didn’t make for fancy tales. Like the time when Don had fallen asleep on Raph’s shoulder while they were watching a movie and Raph made everyone keep quiet so he could sleep, which ended up being a two day job because Don caught a bad bug.

Or those times Raph would sit and listen to him ramble on about a new project while passing him tools for hours on end to make up for something he’d said or done the day before.

Or how he’d always pour coffee in a mug for Don first before taking some himself, just to make sure Don always had a cup in the morning.

Or how after a particularly dangerous mission, he’d peek in on all three brothers when he thought they were asleep, checking to make sure they were all safe and sound.

Don inhaled deeply, closing his eyes as though in thought while he fought to keep himself together… again. Sifting through memories of Raph was like making a laundry list of all his greatest regrets in life. Unlike Mikey, Don wasn’t always very good at seeing Raph’s intentions, at seeing the reason behind his layers and layers of anger. When Raph broke his inventions, Donnie got upset. When Raph shouted at him for no reason, Don got annoyed. When Raph threw himself headlong into danger without thinking, Don got angry.

But now, thinking through all these memories, hindsight burned through the anger to show the reasons behind his brother’s actions. And now all he could do was desperately wish he could go back and take every moment he’d ever fought with Raph and turn it into a moment where he thanked him.

Thanked him for all the times he jumped into danger just to keep the rest of them safe, even though it terrified Don to no end. Thanked him for his enthusiasm over Don’s latest inventions, even if such excitement led to the gadget’s downfall. Thanked him for being so passionately worried for his family that he didn’t care if his words and temperament kept him at a distance.

Thanked him for always being there, even if wasn’t in ways his brothers expected.

Don mentally cursed himself; and back to the guilt. Always the guilt. And the fear. And the grief. And the desperation.

God, did this cycle ever end!?

“Don?”

Feeling Mikey’s hand to his shoulder, the elder turtle forced his emotions as far away as was possible, trying to keep himself positive for his brother.

“I can’t really think of any, Mikey.”

“Come on! What about the time Raph tackled you to safety when one of your experiments exploded? Or the time he threw himself out that office window in the TCRI building to catch you when the Kraang shoved you off? Or the time he accidentally lost your newly completed drone and nearly drowned down a drain pipe trying to get it back?”

Not that it hadn’t occurred to him before, but Don was reminded of just how often his brother had nearly died for him. He wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be comforting or terrifying, but he chose to cling to the former; if Raph could make it through all that, maybe he could find his way back from this. Just maybe.

“He does tend to go to extremes to keep us safe, doesn’t he?” It was a fond, yet sober sentence.

“Yeah…”

_“He’s… He’s a good brother.”_

The sudden flash of memory from the prison caught Mikey off guard, making him smile sadly, speaking aloud without realizing it. “I don’t know what we’d do without him…”

Don once again found himself at a loss for words to comfort, so he simply opted for a hand to Mikey’s shoulder. That same sentiment had rattled through his mind far too many times these past few days, but it wasn’t one he could think on too deeply right now. If he fully allowed himself to accept Raph’s fate, he would lose himself to grief. He knew it. And he couldn’t do that. Not yet. Not while Mikey needed him.

Not while Raph still needed him.

Leather seized the moment to excuse himself from the room, going to get food for the group. In that moment he’d wanted so badly to offer comfort to his young friend, seeing Michelangelo so heartbroken was wrong in every way. That turtle was meant to live a happy life. But as much as he wished to save him from his anguish, there was nothing to be done. He had no words of solace, no magical cure-alls, and no good news to brighten their situation. He was a scientist, he dealt in fact. And while he hoped it was possible Raphael might open his eyes, he knew –as he could see Donatello knew- those chances were a few degrees below impossible.

The fact was, Raphael was in a battle for his life.

And he was losing.

There was no comfort to save them from that.

Moments after Leatherhead left, Splinter’s eyes snapped open as he swallowed a gasp from leaving his throat.

He’d reached him! At long last, he’d reached his son! It hadn’t been much: there was darkness everywhere, pressing closer and closer around Raphael’s mind, but he’d seen him!

“Sensei?”

Donatello’s soft voice brought his mind back to the room, looking to his two worried son’s faces.

“Sensei, are you alright?”

“I am fine, Michelangelo.” He heard the trembling in his own voice and gathered himself before speaking again. “I found your brother.”

Both boys perked up, staring at their father, eyes wide.

“He is still fighting to come back to us.” Splinter paused, allowing that to settle over the room. He could see tears brimming in Michelangelo’s eyes and knew their worry was as strong as his. “All is not lost, my sons. Your brother is finding his way. We must be patient.” Gripping Raphael’s shoulder with his paw, Splinter could see the split reaction in his other two children: Michelangelo brightened, taking to heart the idea that his brother was still fighting the good fight, while Donatello’s expression remained grim, not allowing himself to look Splinter in the eyes. Both of his sons’ burdens looked heavier in their features, and the Father wondered what happened while he was out of it to make them so. “Keep hope, my son.” Splinter placed his other hand on Don’s arm, an action he hoped hadn’t lost it’s comfort yet. “Raphael may yet return to us. We must have hope.”

_“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.”_

Don nodded. There was a small part of him –minute and fading, but still there- that said it was possible for Raph to pull through. And he would cling to that part with every ounce of strength he possessed. Because they needed him to be OK. They needed Raph to live.

They needed their big brother. Please…

Mikey placed his hand on Raph’s arm, clearly wanting to say something to his brother, but having no new words of comfort to offer.

There were no more words. Only desperate hope.

 

* * *

 

His feet trudged beneath him, dragging as though through deep piles of mud. The air was thick with despair and desolation. His legs burned from fatigue, as his breath huffed out in weak puffs. Damn he was tired.

Keep moving, Raph. Towards the light. Find your family.

His lungs protested every movement, flaring with pain as he forced himself to move forward. The darkness tugged at his limbs, sticking to him like toffee, trying to pull him back. If this void was trying so hard to keep him from moving forward, that meant he was going the right way, didn’t it? And hell if he was going to let a shadow beat him!

Keep moving. Don’t stop. Keep moving.

The light didn’t seem to be getting any closer. If anything, it looked dimmer than it had a few moments ago. Father away.

Doesn’t matter. Forward. Move.

There was something ahead of him. A figure standing near the light. Raph didn’t dare call out for fear they would disappear. He pushed his legs faster, feeling more faint with every movement. Come on, keep going!

As he continued, the light moved farther away but the figure stayed in place. Raph was close enough now to make out it’s features. It couldn’t be…

“Leo?”

The distant turtle didn’t hear him, eyes staring at his hands.

“Leo!” Raph dug deep, stealing strength from every muscle to move his legs forward. His mind was both terrified and relieved at seeing his brother here, and for some unknown reason, Raph almost felt like crying when he said his brother’s name. What was wrong with him?

“Leonardo!” That finally got his attention. The other turtle looked up, eyes lost and confused in a way Raph couldn’t remember ever seeing before.

“Raph?”

His heart lurched at hearing his brother’s voice. Why? The elder started walking towards him, but when they stood only several feet from each other, both stopped short.

“Leo, what’s goin’ on?”

“I don’t know…” The blue-masked turtle put a hand to his head. “I remember… there was an explosion. And then you guys were gone. And I was here…”

“An explosion?” Raph’s mind suddenly reeled with memories, drawing him back into that hellhole they’d been kept for days. He remembered! He remembered the torture. He remembered Shredder. He remembered being stabbed.

He remembered Leo staying behind.

“Are… are we dead?” He finally asked, glancing around at the darkness still nipping at his flesh.

“I don’t…” Leo paused- could this be what death was? This crushing darkness all around them? “I don’t know.” A sudden panic overcame him. “Where are the others? Where are Don and Mikey!?”

That part was a bit fuzzy. Raph remembered swimming… and a pipe of some sort. “They’re safe. They’re home.” Or at least, that’s what his gut was telling him.

Leo breathed a sigh of relief at that. But the question remained, where did that leave them? He felt a sudden weight on his chest that crushed his lungs, dropping him to a knee as he grasped for air.

“Leo?” Raph stepped forward to help, but suddenly felt himself held back. The shadows behind him had gripped his skin, attempting to pull him back. He jerked against their restrain, but the harder he pulled, the tighter they wound.

“Raph,” Leo coughed out, his eyes glossing over as he put a hand to the floor to keep himself upright. “Raph, keep going.” He felt himself fading, his body becoming weightless as everything blurred around him. He didn’t even know what he was saying, only that he needed to say it.

Raph fought the shadows tangled around his limbs, pulling desperately forward. “Leo, get up!” If he couldn’t get to his brother, he’d make his brother come to him. “Get your ass over here and help me!” A cry for help always got Leo moving.

But not this time. His brother only looked at him with weak eyes, a slight fear in them that sent a shiver down Raph’s spine.

“Don’t quit, Raph. Find home.”

The red-banded turtle could only stare as his older brother’s eyes closed, body collapsing to the floor. “LEO!”

His world disappeared into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Pastafarianism exists. Whether it's satire or legit, I leave to you.


	24. Surviving Alone

I failed.

The darkness whispers it in my ears. Whispers my shortcomings, my terrors, my defeat. Reminds me I’m alone. Forever alone. Nothing but shadows gripping at my soul, pulling me deeper into the abyss of despair. Death reaches for me, it’s hand warm and inviting. There’s nowhere left to run. No one to pull me back. I reach forward, desperate for it’s offering of peace. Of rest.

But something stops me. A voice. Small and indistinguishable, yet the way it tugs at my heart is oddly familiar. I attempt to trace it’s source, but there is none. Only a voice, echoing in the distance, calling my soul towards it.

Death still beckons. Still invites. Still promises.

But the voice is louder. So small, yet ringing in my ears as if shouting. My mind begs to ignore it, but my heart denies. Constricts. Desperate to move toward this new presence in the darkness. And though tired, so very tired, I cannot help my curiosity. I cannot help but follow my heart. Follow the voice.

Death reaches for me, gripping my arm in it’s cold tendrils, pulling me back with such commanding force. My heels dig into the ground, defiantly jerking against the encroaching darkness. So much for peace. Death understands. It offers once more, dangling rest in front of my consciousness like a long lost friend, begging to be held.

But the voice. The voice still echoes. My heart still beckons. My feet still defy. Death cannot have me this day. Not now. Not yet. My muscles scream as I pull against the monster, it’s black hand burning my arm, dragging me under.

I fight. With all that is in my spirit, I fight. My muscles cry, my eyes close, my strength fades. My arm feels as though it’s being ripped from my shoulder, fire burning my skin, creeping into my chest. I dig deeper, finding courage to keep pressing forward. To keep pulling away. Can’t let it take me.

I am weak. I am failing. The voice roars around me.

_“LEONARDO!”_

Eyes snap open like a rubber band, darting around in confusion. A cool breeze sweeping across him chilled the bones and stirred the mind. He felt cold.

He felt.

Everything clouded, his mind like a thick fog over an ocean of lost understanding. Too tired. Too tired to think. Too tired to move. Rest. Need rest. Eyelids like weights fell closed, bringing the peace of darkness around him.

He needed to get up.

It was a thought not his own, but powerful and commanding. He obeyed. Eyes parted once more, a rush of oxygen flooding his lungs as he tried to remember how to breathe. Slowly. Inhale, exhale.

Something felt heavy on his chest, suddenly crushing him with it’s weight. No more air. Lungs blocked by an unknown force shouted their dissent as his eyes closed in pain, throat constricting in an attempt to remove the blockage. Too tired. Several minutes of slow agony before a cough finally freed his airways. Blood spilled from his mouth as his lungs greedily drank the oxygen charging in.

Steady. Breathe.

More blood. Another painful cough. So tired. Eyes finally found focus as his mind fought to clear the fog. Dark. Only a small light in the corners of what had to be a tunnel of some kind. Couldn’t see much, He was lying on the ground, could feel it’s unyielding strength beneath his fragile bones. The stench of copper mixed with refuse crawled up his nose, bringing with it an air of familiarity. He knew that smell.

Focus: a demand from an instinct he’d forgotten he had. Focus. The fog finally moved, clearing away in slow gusts as understanding took it’s place.

I’m alive.

The thought caught him off guard, halting his train of thought. Alive? Clarity was slow, dragging it’s feet to the forefront of his mind.

Shredder. The explosion.

Brothers.

The pieces jammed together with such force his head throbbed in surprise. His earlier thought drifted back to his mind, drenched in incredulity.

_I’m alive._

So many questions followed, flooding his brain like the Titanic, drowning his clarity: where was he? How did he get here? What happened with Shredder?

Where were his brothers?

The last one slammed into him like a freight train, doubling the headache and stopping his heart. His brothers… did they get out safe? Did they make it home?

Only one way to find out. Had to find them. Find home.

The very thought of moving made his body groan in protest, begging him to lie down and sleep for eternity. Strength of will was all he had left, commanding them into motion. Slow movement, rigid and sore, but movement nonetheless. His left arm came underneath his plastron, drudgingly attempting to push his weight from the floor. His struggle was met with harsh resistance, body far too heavy to lift one armed. The right hand was summoned to help.

Pain. An explosion of fiery agony shot through his arm, up his shoulder, and into his chest, tearing him at the seams. His mind flashed with images of Shredder standing before him, light from the electricity dancing on his helmet. A cry of suffering tore from his throat, bile and blood mixing in his mouth as his vocal chords scraped together like sandpaper. Trained instinct once again kicked in, reminding him of the importance of silence in the unknown. He clenched his mouth shut, teeth grinding out the pain inaudibly. Eyes slowly rolling to the right, he tried to glimpse the cause of his affliction.

Blood. His arm was drenched in it. Too dark to tell where it was coming from. He’d have to sit up by the light, move the blood to find the source.

Steadying his breath, he readied his mind, preparing to try a move again. Slowly. Every ounce of strength went to his left arm, attempting to prop himself up on his elbow, but only succeeding in half rolling himself closer to the wall before falling on his face once more. The thud resounded in his chest, shooting pain through his body like a bullet as he bit down on his lip, squelching another cry before it could emerge. His eyes clenched shut, trying to steady his screaming nerves.

Breathe. Focus the mind and the body will follow. Inhale, exhale.

Taking much more effort than it should have, he used the wall for support and pulled himself up, quick to lean his shell against the brick so as to keep from falling again. His body protested the movement vehemently, pain flaring from every limb as his lungs grappled for oxygen, only succeeding in scraping raspy puffs of air.

All that just to sit up. How on earth was he supposed to move?

Again the mere thought of it sent his muscles into fits. His mind couldn’t focus beyond the pain and fatigue, every other thought devoured by a wave of fire from his body, or the sudden desperation with which his eyes fought to close.

Stay awake. You sleep, you die.

_…How am I not dead already?_

The question had been stewing at the back of his consciousness since he awoke, but only now found it’s way through the fog. It was a good question. But fear warned him he may not want an answer.

Remember. His mind unscrambled the memories skirting about: the bomb, Shredder. His brothers were on the ship. Doors closed. Clock relentlessly decreasing. Shredder fighting to the last. No, an escape, there was an escape. The very window that nearly stole his family became his salvation. Bars were cut, water strong, but determination stronger. He swam against the current, nearly making it out. Then the window closed. His arm stuck. Trapped. Couldn’t free it. Couldn’t get clear.

The explosion.

He remembered the rumbling. Denial. The sheer panic as heat scorched towards him, screaming his demise. A bright light engulfed him. Warmth. Acceptance.

Then nothing. Then darkness. Cold and choking, dragging him down.

He furrowed his brow in frustration at the failing of his memories to offer answers. He should be dead. He thought he was.

Yet here he sat.

Another burst of pain radiated from his right side, sharper and longer, stealing his breath once more. He bit down on the groan that slithered up his throat, attempting to control his nerves. Oh so gingerly, his good hand felt the other for injury. Scrapes and lacerations abounded, marring most of his lower arm, working up toward the shoulder. All still bleeding, but not profusely. The shoulder was either dislocated or fractured, either way impossible to move. Then his chest, generally unharmed other than a cut or scrape here and there. Feeling down his side, his breath hitched in pain when it came in contact with his lower plastron. Broken ribs. At least two. That would pose a problem when attempting to move further. One last gentle rub of his arm confirmed it wouldn’t be useful anytime soon.

No bandages. No answers. No clue as to his whereabouts. No idea how to get home, no strength to move if he did.

And no cavalry on the way.

A deep breath calmed the panic threatening to settle in. This could all be figured out. Every problem had a solution. In the quiet of the abandoned tunnel, with not but rats and cockroaches for company, Leonardo sat fighting pain and weariness, faced with yet another impossible situation, thinking of a plan.

There was always a way out.

 

* * *

 

Blood. Blood everywhere. On his hands, running down his arms, pooling around his feet. Not his blood. Raph’s blood.

“Raph?” Mikey curled his arms around the cold body in front of him, begging it to stay warm. Alive. “Raph! Please, we can’t lose you!”

“Not my fault.” The words croaked from a lifeless mouth. “I’m not the weak one.”

He clung tighter, the words taking shape and dancing around him, spelled out in the blood on the floor. “Burden. You’re weak.”

He clawed his hands over his ears. “S-Stop! Please stop!” Dead fingers reached for his face, pulling him closer to the corpse he held. “This is your fault.”

“Raph I—“

_“Mikey. Take Mikey.”_

“NOO!”

Jolting awake as if struck by lightning, Mikey’s eyes shot around the room, searching for Raph. His half crazed comb of the room finally landed on the pale body in front of him, spiking his fear as opposed to easing it. Not a dream. Real. It had been real. Raph was really dying. He’d really been stabbed… because of Mikey. Because he was always protecting his baby brother.

“Mikey?” Hearing the concern in how his name was spoken, the young turtle tore his eyes from his brother to see Don staring at him, worry set in his features like a permanent fixture. “You OK?”

No. Not OK. Not OK at all. Leo was dead, gone forever. And Raph was so close to joining him it felt like he was teetering on a cliff’s edge, just waiting for the tiniest of breaths to send him sailing over.

And it was Mikey’s fault.

Raph had been protecting him. Again. Because that’s who Raph was: the protector. The shield. The guy who would keep you safe no matter what. Who would stay up late playing video games with you just to spend some time together. Who would literally throw himself in front of a bus to save your life, and somehow manage to shake it off and walk away.

Raph was the one Mikey would go to when he was scared, when something was too terrifying to be banished by his jokes. Leo could lift his spirits in the most dismal situations, Don could calm his nerves when nothing made sense, but Raph made him feel safe. No matter the monster, be it real or imaginary, Raph kept him protected. Every time.

Every time he had a nightmare.  
Every time a mission looked bleak.  
Every time an enemy closed in.

Every time he felt the world throwing a punch at his face, Raph was somehow in front of him, absorbing the blow.

Every. Time.

It’s why Mikey loved to poke and prank him so much. Sometimes, after taking such a beating, Raph needed to be reminded that the world wasn’t all violence and hatred. That smiling and having fun weren’t signs of weakness, but of a strong heart. That if he ever needed them to watch his back, Mikey and their brothers would be there, no hesitations, no questions asked.

A squeeze of his shoulder brought Mikey back to the room. Back to Donnie and Splinter. Back to Raph dying.

“Mikey…?”

“I’m—“ The words died on his lips. Mikey wasn’t ashamed to admit to his fears- he was probably the only one of the four who could say that. But the two remaining brothers had only just clawed their way out of their last pit of choking grief, he didn’t want to throw them into another. Apparently his brain had other ideas because the words came tumbling out of him unbidden. “I’m scared, Don.” His own voice crushed his heart like a tombstone, a sea of emotion threatening to drown him if he kept speaking. And yet, he continued. “And I don’t know what to do because normally when I’m scared I go to…” His eyes stared wistfully at the turtle in front of him, hands wringing together in an attempt to remain steady. “…and he’s…” No, stop! Don’t say it out loud! Don’t make it real! “He’s dying.” Lowering his head, Mikey cupped his hands over his temples; maybe if he squeezed hard enough, it would all just go away. The nightmare would end. “And I’m scared all the embarrassing stories in the world won’t bring him back.”

Mikey could feel Splinter’s sad eyes boring a hole in him. Could feel Don’s body tense as he squeezed his brother’s shoulder slightly tighter. What words could they offer that would comfort? What could they say that would take away the fear? None. There was nothing they could do. Nothing Mikey could do. Only Raph could take this dread from his thoughts. Only Raph could calm his fear.

As always.

“I know he can wake up. I know it.” He would believe that until his brother either pulled through or died trying. But his despair lay in the ‘what if’ that was constantly trying to stomp out his adamant positivity. Despite his pleas not to speak the words aloud, his tongue betrayed him. “But… what if he doesn’t? What if he dies and we’re left alone…?”

A foreboding silence took the room, stoking Mikey’s fear as he stared at the floor, his heart battling to keep his emotions from spilling over his eyes.

Despite that being the only question on Don’s mind the past few days, hearing it spoken by his younger brother somehow made it worse, stealing his breath and any words of solace that may have come with it. He turned to see Splinter with the same look of compassionate longing in his eyes, yet he said nothing. Perhaps he was trying to think of the right words? Or maybe there really were no words to be said.

“He swam us to safety.” The sound of his voice surprised even Don as he spoke, not sure where his own train of thought was going, yet determined to speak it aloud anyway. “It’s the only explanation. The only way I can figure that we got from the boat to the sewer where Leatherhead found us is that Raph swam us there.” He paused, still trying to work out the scenario in his brain. “It’s impossible. His right arm was completely numb, his body was extremely weak from blood loss, and he’d said he couldn’t even move his legs by that point. And yet… It’s the only thing that makes sense.” A sardonic chuckle burst from his lips. “It goes against all science! All medicine and logic- it’s completely impossible that Raph could have suddenly found strength enough to swim all three of us to safety when before he could barely keep his head upright. …But he did. I know he did.” Staring down at his fallen brother with a look of mournful admiration, Don clenched his hands to fists, containing the river of emotions that suddenly made their presence known at his next thought. “Sheer force of will –that’s what Leo always says- Raph can do almost anything through sheer force of will and immovable stubbornness.” He mentally noted his use of present tense when speaking of their leader; still couldn’t bring himself to correct it. “If it were anyone else,” he continued, closing his mind to thoughts about their dead sibling. “I’d say it was futile; that unhooking the machine and letting them pass on would be what was best.” He saw Mikey’s eyes widen at his words and quickly continued. “But Raph can fight his way through anything. Everything. And he always does if it means being there for us.” Something Don wished he’d told Raph he noticed over the years.

“But…” There was that lingering doubt that permeated every thought. And while Don refused to accept it as a possibility until absolutely necessary, Raph dying was something he was mentally preparing himself for. Because if it happened, Don was going to panic. He was going to lose his mind, heart, and soul in the blink of an eye. And he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t disappear behind a veil of desolation and never emerge to face the world again. “But if it does happen… if Raph can’t make it back…” He gulped at even the idea, as if speaking it was daring the universe to make it true. “You won’t be alone, Mikey.” And finally his train of thought found it’s point. “If the worst should happen and we have to navigate a world that no longer includes Raph, no longer includes Leo… I promise to be here.” It sounded so stupid coming out of his mouth, but his heart convinced him it was necessary to say. “Sensei, Leatherhead, April and Casey… we’ll be here. I can’t promise that we’ll find a way through it, or even that we’ll want to…” Because, honestly, who would want to live in a world where two of the people you care most about are stolen from you. “But we’ll deal with it together.” Finally finding the strength to look at his sibling, Don turned to see tears brimming in his brother’s eyes. “We won’t be alone, Mikey. Ever.”

He knew it wasn’t the answer his brother was looking for; he was probably hoping for a stirring speech about how they’d find a way to be a happy family again, no matter what, or something along those lines. But Don was too much of a realist to spout such nonsense. He knew the likelihood of them walking away from this with their sanity in tact was next to zero. He knew they’d be scarred by these events for years to come, possibly even the rest of their lives. And he knew, without a shred of doubt, that if he lost Raph, he’d lose his mind. Completely. Grief would consume him body and soul, and there would be no coming back from it.

But no matter the pain, no matter the heartache, no matter the soul-shattering despair, he wouldn’t leave Mikey to deal with it alone. He would find a way to push his grief aside to help Mikey through his. And not until he was sure his baby brother was capable of bearing the weight of reality again, would Don let sorrow take him. He wasn’t strong enough to carry it for him, like Raph would, and he certainly wasn’t capable of taking it from him, like Leo… but he would help Mikey through it until all strength was spent and grief overcame him. He could do at least that much.

“Your brother speaks wisely, my son.” Splinter added from his chair, a sad yet prideful nod towards his middle child. “Whatever happens, we shall face it together. As a family.” He paused, sure to make eye contact with both his children so they could understand the sincerity in his voice. “You are never alone.”

Mikey gulped back a sob as he closed his eyes, taking in all that had been said. Admittedly, not what he had been expecting, but very much what he needed to hear. He knew his family would always be there for him, they’d proven that in spades over the years. But a situation like this was new and terrifying territory to them. They’d never been this close to losing a brother.

Never lost a brother.

Sticking together through something like this was a ‘what if’ they’d always avoided out of fear. Now that it was actually happening, Mikey couldn’t explain his relief at hearing his family so adamant about being there for each other.

Wiping away a tear before it could fall, Mikey rested his head on Don’s shoulder, sighing in relief. He would pep up and tell another funny story to lighten the mood in a minute, because he hated being the one to bring the tone down. But right now, he needed this. He needed to steal comfort from his family’s words. He needed to feel Donnie beside him, alive and well, there, even if the worst should happen. Needed to feel Sensei’s strong presence, practically radiating confidence in the calm of his eyes.

He needed to find the hope.

Raph wasn’t here to fight the fear for him, so Mikey had to step up. Had to find the strength his brothers said he had and believe in the impossible, whether that be Raph getting well, or the family surviving his loss.

It was his turn to be strong. His turn to protect the family.

“Thanks guys.” Was all he was able to whisper as he felt Don’s arm wrap around his shell.

Thank God Donnie was here.

 

* * *

 

Slow. Steady. Keep a stable pace.

His movements were rigid, lacking their usual grace that had come from years of training to move in the shadows. Every muscle, every bone, every nerve completely worn by exhaustion. It was nothing short of miraculous that movement was possible at all. Miraculous and painful. Broken ribs stealing his breath and fractured arm still burning with injury, every step required strength of will to accomplish.

Ignore the pain. Keep moving. Forward.

It had taken far longer than he would have liked to finally calm his mind long enough to think properly. His eyes were now adjusted to the dark, but still could only see objects a few feet in front of him. He would have to rely on touch, not sight- fortunately, something he excelled at in training. Several minutes of silent contemplation had him at a loss for his next move: stay where he was and pray for a rescue, or pick a direction and walk, hoping for salvation. Neither was palatable, too lined with bitter hopelessness and likely failure.

On the one hand, if he was anywhere near New York, he could pick a direction and hope for the best, begging the universe to show him anything familiar that he might follow to home. On the other hand, simply walking in one direction had the potential to take him farther from the lair, farther from family, and farther from safety. Walking in the wrong direction could mean death.

And what if he wasn’t in New York? What if he was in the sewers of some random island in the Caribbean, no hope of escape or rescue?

Normally such debate would have him crawling inside the sanctity of meditation, seeking answers in the calm of his mind. But with fatigue threatening his consciousness at every turn, he was afraid closing his eyes might send him off to sleep. Permanently. And meditating with his eyes open was a trick he had yet to master.

All he had was instinct. That strained voice in the back of his mind that whispered him into motion. His eyes stared down the dark tunnel to his right, doubt tapping at every idea. He could be wrong. Only one shot as he highly doubted he’d have enough energy to trek back if this direction proved fruitless. No redos. No second chances.

No doubts. He had to trust himself. There was nothing else to go on.

Follow your gut.

A deep breath of resolve sealed his fate, determination settling into his features. Alright, he had a plan. Now he had to find the strength to put it in action. Had to stand.

It was embarrassing how difficult that simple task had been. His legs felt like they hadn’t been used in a decade, faltering and wrenching in tired ache as he moved them under his body. The wall for support was enough to help him up, but not without his chest voicing it’s objections: it flared with pain, punching the air from his lungs with his broken ribs. A hiss escaped his lips as he shot a hand to his plastron, trying to stop the pain. Breathe through it. Steady.

His legs trembled under the weight of his body, threatening to collapse at any moment. Well… he was standing. This was improvement. But movement was another beast entirely, proving to be much more difficult than he ever remembered. A single step forward sent his body into fits of pain, his broken ribs insisting on tearing the air from his lungs. The waves of nausea that roiled from his stomach made him dizzy, nearly knocking him back to the ground. Fortunately, stubbornness won the day, keeping his grip on the wall and his legs planted, despite their shaking. If he fell, he honestly didn’t know if he’d have the strength to stand again.

Progress finally came in the form of small half steps, hugging the wall at all times for support. It became a tedious task, moving even the few feet to reach the connecting tunnel, but he took every inch of progress as a small victory. So long as he was conscious and moving, he was working the problem. The farther into the tunnel he trekked, the darker it became. Whatever light had spewed from the emergency lamp where he’d woken up was now entirely overrun by the pitch black surrounding him. Even as his eyes adjusted he could barely see his hand moving in front of his face. Fortunately the tunnel was generally straight, allowing him to make decent progress.

After what felt like hours of dragging himself forward, fatigue set in anew, dropping on him with all the strength and subtly of a freight train. He paused his steps, taking a moment to catch his breath, or what little puffs he could manage. A grimace crossed his face as pain once again shot through his chest and down his arm. Don’t focus on it, just keep moving forward. Pain was temporary. If he found home, he could finally rest.

The thought of sleep was heaven.

Just keep moving.

The length of tunnel he’d managed to traverse was thankfully flat, giving him no hills to add to his troubles. But the area was still pitch black, no lights, distant or otherwise, to aid his sense of direction. He still had no idea where he was, which way was home, or if he was anywhere close to finding it. The only thing that kept him going was that instinctual feeling in his gut that told him he was going the right way. Told him home was around some distant corner, if he could just keep moving towards it.

Told him his family needed him.

It was a crushing thing, feeling his family in need and knowing he was too far away to do anything to help. He may as well be trapped in that prison again…

His brothers’ anguished faces on the ship flashed before him. They probably thought he was dead… he didn’t know why he wasn’t. But somehow he’d escaped that explosion, albeit not unscathed, and he refused to waste such good fortune by lying down to die in the dark sewer that seemed to stretch on forever in front of him.

Forward. Don’t stop. Keep moving.

Find home.

 

* * *

 

It felt like he’d been walking for days, but he knew it was likely only several hours. Any sense of direction had gone out the window, leaving him only one option: keep going forward. There had been several dead ends that forced him to reroute to other tunnels, but fortunately the terrain had remained relatively neutral, allowing him to move without overexerting himself too much.

But he was tired. So beyond tired. His muscles ached and throbbed, his lungs fell short every time they pulled for air, and his mind was constantly trying to convince him to sleep. But he wouldn’t. Couldn’t. The severity of his injuries may be impossible to tell without light, but he knew enough to determine sleep to be a hazard. If he closed his eyes now, he may never open them again.

Trying to ignore the fatigue, his thoughts went to his family. He thought of his sensei and how worried he must have been this past week. He thought of April and Casey, and how hard they’d likely been searching for the guys.

And he thought of his brothers. Always his brothers.

A million questions about their escape circled his mind in perpetuity, all leading to one desperate hope: did they make it home safe? Forget all the things that could have happened to prevent them from making it back to the lair, it was their injuries that worried him most. Donnie was most likely to recover, so long as he found sleep and nourishment for a few days, but Mikey’s fever had worried their resident doctor, which made it serious. Very serious. And Raph… that hot-headed idiot had done nothing but push himself to his limits since he’d been stabbed. He’d already been weak beyond recollection when Leo tossed him onto the ship, it was doubtful time had improved his situation.

What if he’d bled to death?

The sudden fear that spread from that stray thought was overpowering, causing him to falter. He tripped forward, and by reflex, attempted to catch himself with his bad arm. Mistake. Pain flared, searing through his entire right side and into his chest, forcing a cry from his throat. He grabbed with his left hand, managing to catch the wall in time keep his feet under him and stop from falling forward, but the effort coupled with the pain left him short of breath. His lungs fought against his broken ribs for air, hissing from the ache that now throbbed from his right side, as he leaned against the wall, eyes closed in a feeble attempt to ignore the sting.

Stupid. That was careless. If he fell, that was it; he had to be more careful. Several minutes of meditative breathing ebbed the pain to manageable discomfort, but the fear of his previous thought still remained.

What if Raph was dead?

Thinking of the red-banded ninja made guilt flare anew; if it wasn’t for his poor leadership, Raph would never have been hurt in the first place. It was his fault. His failure.

Closing his eyes for one more breath, he opened them with new resolve; he was going to get home. He was going to find his brothers, and he was going to make sure they were safe.

Ignoring the outcry from his muscles at being ordered to move again, he forced himself to continue forward. One foot, then the other. Ignore the pain. Ignore the fatigue.

Keep going. Don’t stop.

 

* * *

 

April walked into the room on light feet, doing her best to keep quiet so as not to wake Mikey. He’d sacked out on Don’s shoulder a few hours ago, and no one dared wake him- sleep was desperately needed to help him heal. Honestly, she knew Don needed rest more than any of them, but he refused. The only time she’d seen his eyes closed in the past two days was when he’d passed out after the surgery. Since then, he’d been at Raph’s side, checking vitals and keeping vigil. The only thing she’d seen him eat or drink was coffee and a few sips of chicken broth Mikey had forced him to eat. It was a wonder he hadn’t passed out again…  
She placed the mug of freshly brewed caffeine next to her purple-masked friend, wishing she could find a way to force him to eat something. But Don could be as stubborn as Raph when he wanted to be, and this happened to be one of those times. She was used to it by now; anytime one of his brothers was hurt, Don opted for a steady diet of worry and coffee over actual food. And April had learned there was no getting around that, so she no longer tried. Pick your battles, as they say. She wondered what would happen to his eating habits when grief over Leo set in…

Nope. Not that again. No more tears, no more mourning. She was here for Mikey, Donnie, and Splinter, and she’d be strong even if it killed her. “Any change?” She asked, sitting down next to Casey on the opposite side of the bed as the turtles.

Donnie raised the mug in a ‘thank you’ before chugging a long gulp. “His heart rate is up.” He said, trying to sound optimistic.

April breathed a sigh of relief at that. “Thank God.” That was the first bit of good news she’d heard since the surgery, though Don didn’t seem very enthusiastic about it. “That’s good, isn’t it?”

“It could be.” Don took another swig of his coffee. “His body might finally be finding strength enough to heal properly.” Possibly.

“But?” The skepticism in his voice was unmasked, surprisingly. She watched him swallow more coffee, staring at his brother’s closed eyes. “…But even healed he might not wake up.” She put two and two together.

Don simply nodded, breathing deep as if to keep himself from feeling the truth in those words. “Yeah.”

“Ah, come on Donnie, it’s Raph we’re talking about! He ain’t gonna let Shred-Head have the last word. If he heals,” And he better damn well heal. “He’ll wake up.”

Unfortunately, Don was unconvinced. Coma’s were tricky things, just because your body healed doesn’t mean the mind would. Even if Raph was to fully recover, it was a possibility his eyes may still never open. His coma may swallow him forever.

What Don wouldn’t give for a heartfelt speech about hope right about now. A despairing chill ran through his body as, for the hundredth time in the past few days, he thought:

I wish Leo was here.

 

* * *

 

It was several hours later when weariness found a foothold again. He had no idea how far down this never-ending tunnel he’d trudged, but everything in him objected to continuing any further. His feet ached, his legs were cramping, his chest burned with every breath, and his shell felt like an elephant hitching a ride on his back, determined to crush him to the ground. The only relief he’d felt since his trip-up was his arm no longer tingling with pain. Probably not a good sign; it could either mean he’d damaged it further with his movements, or he’d lost enough blood by now that it was going numb. Neither was a scenario he cared to think too deeply on. Nor did he have the strength of mind to do so.

Shell, he was tired. So very tired. And cold. What he wouldn’t give for a cup of tea and his bed right about now. But then, considering he’d somehow survive a bomb blast that had been big enough to destroy an entire underwater compound, he probably shouldn’t complain.

_“Come on Leo, this is no time for playing hero!”_

_“Dude, we’re not leaving you!”_

_“LEONARDO!”_

The memory was potent, causing him to bring a hand to his head in an attempt to repress it. Their eyes had been so pained… so frightened. Because of him. Because he’d failed as their leader. As their brother. He had no qualms about staying behind to save them, but that didn’t make his failure any less horrifying.

_“Mikey. Take Mikey.”_

His eyes slammed shut, desperate to block the memory, but it overpowered, intent on playing in front of him like a reel of his greatest regrets.

_“How could you!? Raph nearly got killed trying to protect Mikey, and you just sent him off!”_

He’d given up his baby brother… tossed him to their enemy like he meant nothing. His reasoning was sound; it made sense that himself and Donnie stay behind to keep Raph alive, but that didn’t make it any less disgusting that he’d abandoned Mikey just to play a ‘good leader’.

_“You didn’t even try! You just assumed this was the only course of action and gave up our baby brother!”_

Don had been right. He didn’t think it through enough. Should have found another way, there had to be another way!

_“He trusted you! We both did! And now he’s probably not coming back!”_

His hand gripped his skull tighter, as if squeezing could make the memory stop. Guilt sliced through him like a guillotine, powerful enough to make his body tremble slightly. Mikey probably thought he was given up because he wasn’t important. Because he wasn’t needed. Despite the pep talk they’d given him only a few hours before, actions always spoke louder than words. And his actions had said ‘I don’t need you’.

Pain not of his injury burned in his chest. Mikey had to know… he had to know how much he was needed. Not just his positivity, his light heartedness, and his childlike abandon, but his presence! His warm, loving, strong spirit that the elder admired so much. His goofy smile and his crazy antics and his willingness to trust his older brother’s leadership, no matter what. It had been Mikey who first gave him the confidence to accept being leader of the team, without him…

Should have found another way. Stupid, careless, and dishonorable. Sensei would have been disappointed with—

Air. His foot met air instead of concrete, and without warning, his body suddenly found itself careening into the darkness. His stomach jumped into his throat as he groped around him, trying to find anything to stop the freefall. If he hit the ground at this speed…

Splash. Cold. Freezing. He hit water, silently thanking his lucky stars it wasn’t the unforgiving smack of concrete. No. This was worse. He barely had strength to hobble let alone swim! Water crashed around him, it’s chilling tendrils digging into his skin. With barely enough time for a surprised gasp, he was pulled under, consumed by the current. He clawed at the surface with his one good arm while his feet feebly kicked beneath him. But the current was powerful, easily strong arming him into it’s clutches.

The water carried him with speed, scraping his limbs against walls and floating objects without mercy. Too weak to find his footing, he was helpless and his body tumbled, tossed around like a rag doll in the unrelenting current. Suddenly he was falling again. Dropping from a ledge. Or more likely, a pipe. His face broke the surface long enough to inhale raggedly before he hit the water again, consumed by it’s depths.

Lungs burning, muscles aching, and nerves flaring, he found himself at the current’s mercy: either it would tow him to the surface or crush him under it’s heel. And he had no power to stop it. No strength to fight it. Whatever miracle had saved him from the explosion didn’t see fit to offer aid once more.

He was going to die. Drown in an unknown sewer like a common rat, unnoticed and forgotten. He couldn’t even deny the voice that arose spouting justice. He deserved this… after what he did to Mikey, after how he’d failed as a leader, after all he let happen to his brothers… he deserved this.

_“LEONARDO!”_

Again, his brother’s faces flashed before him, filled with pain and desperation.

No. He couldn’t let it end like this. Something had saved him from certain death, and he refused to ignore such a chance by giving up now. His brothers may still need him.

Newfound determination in his features, he dropped himself like a weight until he felt something solid. The current pushing him forward made it challenging, but he finally managed to get his lugs underneath him. With all the strength he had left, and likely some he didn’t have at all, he sprang upwards. For the briefest of moments, he feared he hadn’t managed enough force to break the surface.

Air! He could breath again! His lungs gasped and coughed, desperate to be filled with oxygen once more. But no time to catch his breath, his muscles were already failing him. Through sheer force of will he managed to kick his way to one side of the current, feeling the edge where the water hit wall; there was a small ledge he could walk on, if only he could pull himself up.

As the current dragged him along, he continued to try and grasp the wall, failing to find anything that would lend enough leverage to heave his body out. Come on! A crack, a pipe, anything!

Luck was on his side, as a piece of ventilation piping had fallen from the wall and lay across the ledge, dangling slightly into the water. His hand hit the pipe, and before he even stopped to understand what it was, he gripped it tight. The current fought him, angrily tearing at his body, pulling him away from his lifeline. Water engulfed him once more, but his grip held firm. One attempt to drag against the current and he knew he didn’t have the strength. He was spent. His muscles no longer gave protest, they simply refused to work, and the freezing water was making him numb. With horror, he realized his fingers were slipping and he had no way to readjust his grip without letting go of the pipe entirely.

Come on… just one more feat. One more miracle. One more burst of strength. Please… just one more.

What if Raph bled to death?

He had to get home.

Pushing far beyond any limit he’d ever had, he dug deep and swam hard. Water rushed against him, determined not to let him break free. But whatever strength he’d found was working; he managed to pull his body right up against the pipe, ready to heave himself out.

Unfortunately, luck never visits for long. The pipe began to bend, it’s rusty wall degraded from time and ill repair. If it snapped, the water would take him; he had no more strength to fight for the surface again.

One last chance.

Gripping as tight as he could, he readied his mind. He could do this. Focus.

Letting the water take his weight, he followed the current until his arm pulled taught, then use it as a fulcrum to swing his legs over the ledge. Before gravity had a chance to pull him down again, he released the pipe, rolling his body until he was as far from the water’s edge as possible. Just as soon as he’d let go of it, the pipe broke away, tumbling through the water with thunderous anger.

He made it. That was far too close.

Laying face down on the floor, he could find no more strength to flip himself to his back. Or to move at all. Even breathing felt like too much for his tired body to handle. His right arm seared with pain that drew a cry from his weak voice. Everything hurt. Everything ached. Everything refused to move.

He was done. Every limit he knew had been pushed past several times over. He had nothing left in him.

Exhaustion fogged over his mind, no longer held at bay by the need to press onward. Too tired…

No, wait! Don’t sleep. Closing eyes might mean never opening them again. But his rebellion was futile; fatigue slammed his mind faster than he could predict, forcing his eyes closed. No more energy to fight it.

No more strength to struggle.

Only sleep… beckoning. Inviting.

Crushing.


	25. One Last Breath

Free.

His chest felt light and he breathed deep, with no resistance from his ribs. Weariness no longer clouded his vision, and the darkness was all but gone. He could see. Light was everywhere, surrounding his body like a warm cocoon.

For the first time in what felt like ages, he was at peace.

The light danced around him, tugging at his heartstrings with it’s beautiful song. It felt familiar. A giggle erupted, bouncing around him in burst of joy. He knew that laugh.

“Mikey?” His brother’s visage appeared, thrashing around the air on a skateboard, that heartwarming smile about his lips, then disappearing into eternity. Another voice, familiar still. A snorted chuckle. “Donnie.” His second younger brother materialized beside him, laughing at some unknown joke as he flew his drone about the clouds. “Donnie, you’re—“ The hand he placed on his shoulder went right through, his brother disappearing like vapor. “No, wait!”

This was a trick. This had to be some kind of trick. A hallucination? Where was he?

A chuckle. A deep, heavy, quiet chuckle plodded around him, making his heart jump for joy. “Sensei!” His Father appeared across from him, standing tall with his cane, beaming at him with pride. “Sensei… you’re here!” He was home. He had to be home. Finally safe.

He stepped towards his Father, longing to be near him, to hug him, to weep at his feet for failing him so miserably. “Dad…” The figure pulled back. Staring at his Sensei with pain in his eyes, he stepped again. But the more he moved towards him, the farther away he got. The light followed, pulling away from him in streams, revealing darkness just beyond it’s threshold. Pure darkness. A void.

Death.

“Sensei!” He ran for his Father, a frenzied terror taking his mind. “Dad, please!” But it was no use. The harder he ran, the more the light drew away. The more his family disappeared. He was losing them… or they were losing him.

Pain. His arm felt like it was being torn off. He screamed, holding his right side as the darkness came upon him, immense and threatening. The light was disappearing into the distance. He looked down to his hands, seeing blood drip from them. What was going on? Why couldn’t he remember? His family… his family was leaving him! They were leaving him behind!

A voice pierced through his thoughts, loud and afraid, shouting his name.

“Leonardo!”

He looked up, his mind a jumbled mess as he tried to put pieces together. He was… in a prison. Shredder… they’d been kidnapped. Tortured. Who was calling him? A familiar face appeared from the void, staring at him with joyful relief. The red bandana…

“Raph?”

He moved towards him, his heart wanting to launch him forward and embrace his brother in a hug like none they’d ever had. But what if it was a vision? A ghost of his family like Donnie… he didn’t want it to disappear.

He didn’t want to be alone.

“Leo, what’s goin’ on?”

It spoke to him. It was really Raph. He was here! But something inside him prodded his joy with fear; Raph shouldn’t be here. It was dangerous. It was wrong. What was his question again? “I don’t know…” He grabbed his head with his good hand, trying to settle the jumble of memories flying behind his eyes. The prison. Shredder. His brothers. The ship. “I remember…” He began slow, piecing things together as he spoke. “There was an explosion, and then you guys were gone. And I was here…” Where was here? What explosion? The more he fought to understand, the more confused he became.

But his brother didn’t appear to have the same problem. His eyes had widened in remembrance before fear crossed them suddenly. “Are… Are we dead?”

Yes. That was his first thought. He had to be dead. Should be. The explosion… he hadn’t gotten away. A glance at his brother and he immediately rejected the notion; they couldn’t be dead. Raph couldn’t be dead. Had to be something else. “I don’t…” But then… could this be it? Crushing darkness dangling home in front you like a star you can never reach? “I don’t know.” Couldn’t be. Raph couldn’t be dead. He hadn’t been in the explosion. They escaped on the ship, all three of them.

His brothers. A sudden fear chilled his blood. “Where are the others!? Where are Don and Mikey!?” His heart was already lurching as if in preparing for hearing the worst. What if they didn’t make it home?

“They’re safe. Home.”

Thank God. He breathed deep, relief flooding him like a tidal wave. They were safe. But then… Raph. Why was he here? He looked to his brother, seeing the same confusion in his eyes. Didn’t matter. Whatever this place was, they could find a way out together.

Pain again. This time erupting from his chest. It felt like fire burning him from the inside out! Then a weight, crushing his lungs in a vice grip, stealing his breath. He gasped for air, the sudden force of it all bringing him down to a knee.

“Leo?” He saw his brother lurch forward, worry etched in his features, but he was stopped. The darkness had grabbed him, holding him back.

“Raph,” It hurt. It hurt to talk. He couldn’t breathe! Couldn’t move! Could only stare as the abyss reached out to steal his brother from him. He panicked, eyes wide in fear as his mind fought to find strength to help. “Raph, keep going.” What? Keep going where? He tried to shake his head for clarity, but everything only blurred further. His body felt weightless, yet still too heavy to move.

He watched his brother fight the shadows with ferocity. “Leo, get up!” Raph was scared. But not of the darkness pulling him away, he was scared of Leo leaving. The elder tried once again to stand and aid his brother, but nothing came of it. “Get your ass over here and help me!” A cry for help. His entire spirit screamed to move, to get to his brother’s side, to keep him from being dragged away. But whatever held him hostage was far too powerful.

He looked his brother, unable to hide the fear that clouded his eyes. He couldn’t help. He couldn’t save him. Couldn’t move! Do something. Say something! Save him!

“Don’t quit, Raph.” Keep fighting. Fight the darkness. Find the light. Find our family.

“Find home.”

He collapsed, no more strength to keep himself up. His eyes began to close for what he was sure would be the last time. All he could see was Raph, pulling against the darkness, shouting his name, as a shadow rose behind him.

What if Raph was dead?

“Raph…”

 

* * *

 

Beeping. Make it stop. Not ready to get up yet.

Come on, turn off the alarm. Still tired. Need sleep.

Not an alarm. Not a clock. Something worse. Something terrifying. Something trying to rip his heart from his chest and throw it to the roaches.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Incessant, horrifying, beeping.

“Mikey!”

He shot up, eyes darting around the room as his heart pounded in his chest. What was going on? Everyone was on their feet, eyes wide in panic as Leatherhead pulled him away from the table.

“Raph?” The beeping. The fear. It was Raph- Raph was dying! “What’s going on!?” There was no hiding the terror in his voice.

“April, the atropine!”

“Where?”

“The table over—“

“—Got it!”

“Casey, ready the defibrillator.”

“Don, what’s—“ Mikey stopped his question when he saw the fear in his brother’s eyes. He looked to the machine attached to Raph and saw lights blinking red and the heart monitor line squiggling all over the place. It beeped like an alarm. Like a death march. Oh no… not again. Please, not again!

Don’s heart pound wildly in his chest as he pulled the cover from the needle. His last one. They’d used the other during surgery. If Raph’s heart fell again, he’d have nothing to help. Nothing. His mind cursed continuously as fear pumped through his veins. Please, let this work.

He stabbed the needle into his brother’s arm, giving it a few seconds to absorb and work towards the heart. One shot. That’s all they had. He didn’t know why, but his heart was screaming this was it… this time, Raph wasn’t coming back. But why? It had worked before, why wouldn’t it work now?

No time for doubt.

“Defibrillator!” He called, grabbing the paddles from Casey’s waiting hands.

Shock.  
Raph’s chest lifted slightly off the table.  
Still bradycardia.

Again.  
Muscle contraction. Chest lift.  
Bradycardia.

Again.  
No breath. No movement. No change.

Shock.  
Everyone staring. Everyone praying.  
Still bradycardia.

Again. Again. Again.

No change.

No breath.

No life.

Flatline.

Eyes widened as the room all gasped in denial when the beeping stopped, replaced with the unrelenting scream of no heartbeat.

No bradycardia. No heartbeat. No…

“No…!” Don’s eyes widened as he stared at the monitor, his lungs no longer able to function. It couldn’t be… this couldn’t be happening. Denial set in like a hurricane, frantically swallowing all logic in it’s path. This was a nightmare. Had to be a nightmare! Raph couldn’t be… he couldn’t…

“…Raph?” The sheer terror in Mikey’s voice broke through Don’s denial. No… No, no, no, no! Please God, no! “Raph!”

Don could do nothing but stand, paddles in hand, staring at his lifeless brother as Mikey moved forward.

“Raph!” The young turtle grabbed his brother’s hand, squeezing it for dear life. His heart jerked in fear at the coldness of his skin. “Come on, dude… this isn’t funny.” His body trembled visibly as he brought his other hand around his brother’s. “Please… Please bro… you gotta…” His throat tightened, choking on his own words. “You gotta wake up…!” This couldn’t be real. He was dreaming again. Had to be! Please, let it be a dream!

Leatherhead kept a hand on Mikey’s shoulder, unable to stop his begging. His heart fell as he closed his eyes, unwilling to look at the faces around the room anymore. He’d known this was coming… he’d known, yet it still took him by surprise. Still stole his breath. Still ripped his heart in two. There was nothing he could do…

Shock and denial dropped on the room like a heavy smog, choking the life from each of them.

Splinter felt his spirit die.

His Raphael… his powerful, loyal, brave child… was gone. Slipped through his arms like water through a sieve. There was nothing he could do. Nothing would stop the pain. Nothing would stop the grief. Nothing would bring him back.

He watched his youngest son beg the elder to return, tearing his heart in pieces. Two of his children were now gone from this world. Two of his reasons to live had been stolen. Pain that was far too familiar swept through him again, threatening to drown him in it’s power. And he almost let it… he almost wished to give in to it. To let it destroy him so he wouldn’t have to exist in this world… this world that would take his children from him so coldly. So abruptly. So without mercy.

His mind was drawn from it’s thoughts at a sudden crash against the wall. Casey had thrown April’s mug of coffee in a fit of rage, his eyes alight with fire and fear. “You asshole.” He seethed. “You arrogant piece of—“ His curse was cut off by another crash as he punched the tray of empty syringes and scalpels away.

“Casey.” April put a hand to his arm, more reflex than anything conscious. Her mind was still in shock.

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare kick off without me! You’re the strongest guy I know, you gotta fight! Don’t let Shredder win like this! FIGHT!” His hands clenched into fists tight enough to draw blood. “Don, come on, there’s gotta be somethin’ you can do!” Anger mixed with fear as he turned to the purple-masked turtle. But Don could only stand there, paddles still in hand, eyes wide with disbelief. Casey raged at his silence. “Dammit, Donnie! DO SOMETHING!” He raised his fist to punch anything else in range when arms suddenly wrapped around his neck.

April held him tight, her touch freezing him in place. His eyes glared as his body shook. “I know.” Her soft voice cut through his rage. “I know.” Eyes watering as she held him, no words of comfort came to mind. But her touch was enough… Casey brought his arms around her, holding to her like a lifeline, eyes squeezing shut to block out reality. This was it… this was really happening…

Raph was dead.

“NO!” The cry of denial tore itself from Mikey’s throat as he reached up and shook his brother’s shoulders. “Come on, Raph! Wake up! You have to wake up!” Despair poured from his voice as he shouted at his elder brother. “Open your eyes, dude! Come on! Please!! You’re the strongest guy in the world! You’re Superman, remember? You can’t do this! You can’t—“ sobs choked his words as tears spilled from his eyes. Denial was no longer strong enough to hold back the pain crushing his heart.

Splinter came beside his youngest son, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Michelangelo…”

“Please, Raph! You gotta come back!”

“My son.”

“We need you! We need you here!”

“Michelangelo.” Splinter took his son by the shoulders, prying him gently from his cold brother. The young turtle’s eyes were frantic, terror seizing his every feature.

“It’s my fault, Sensei!” Panic like he’d never felt coursed through him. Guilt. Anguish. Desperation. It had to be a lie. “He took my place! Shredder was going to take me and he took my place! He never would have been hurt if it wasn’t for me! It’s my fault! It’s my fault!” Speech, thought, everything disappeared, crushed under the pain of his mind accepting what was happening.

Splinter wrapped his son in an embrace, a hand to the back of his head, stroking comfort in the only way he knew how. There were no words to stop this pain. No mantras to heal this wound. His heart broke for his young child, so innocent and full of life, being forced to face the cold dark of this reality.

His heart broke for his lost son.

For his dwindling family.

Mikey made no attempt to stop the tears. He buried his face in Splinter’s robe, water pouring down his cheeks as he cried aloud. “I’m sorry!” His words were muffled and wracked with despair, yet still echoed in Splinters ears like grenades.

“No…” Finally pulled from the depths of frozen denial, Donnie stepped towards his cold brother, tossing the paddles to the floor. He pressed his hands against Raph’s chest, pumping compressions as he’d done so many times these past few days. This wasn’t it. This was NOT it! He could still do something! He could still fix this! He had to fix this!

_“You guys inspire me.”_

It wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough!

_“You especially, Raph. I’ve always wished I could be as brave as you.”_

He should have said more. Should have told him everything! Should have said how much he looked up to Raph, how hard he worked just to live up to such high standards. How much he relied on his brother’s strength and refusal to quit, his unrelenting protection that they all took for granted.

He should have told him he loved him. Needed him. Would miss him.

Just like Leo.

“Wake up, Raph.” His voice was demanding, even through it’s panic. “Wake up!” He couldn’t accept this. All the preparation in the world wasn’t enough to make this OK. He could feel himself dying inside, losing his grip on sanity. He had to fix this! Leo says there’s always a way! There had to be a way! “You can’t leave!” His hands compressed harder, staring at his brother’s closed eyes, willing them to open.

Mikey took to Don’s protests, turning from Splinter to hold Raph’s hand once more. He tried to speak, but the words choked in his throat, tears still streaming down his face.

“We need you!” Your protection, your presence, your temper- all of it!

“Please…” Mikey’s hollow voice contrasted to Don’s desperate tone, but both held to the same prayer; Raph needed to wake up. They couldn’t do this without him. They couldn’t get through Leo’s death, they couldn’t move past this trauma, couldn’t find any kind of solace or peace without him there. Without his protection. Without his strength.

Without his angry, powerful, emotional presence.

Without him!

Splinter could do nothing but watch as his children cried for their brother’s return. He knew he should stop them, force them to accept the truth. But he couldn’t… his heart was too broken. He wanted to believe as they did. He wanted to throw himself at the mercy of the universe and beg to switch places with his son. He wanted to chant a healing mantra that would somehow start his boy’s heart and open his eyes. His beautiful green eyes…

He wanted his son to live. More than anything, he needed his son to live.

“Donnie…” April’s voice cut through the silence unwarranted. Her silent acceptance made Don and Mikey tense, both refusing to look away from Raph. “Donnie, he’s—“

“NO! He’s not gone! I can fix this, I can save him!”

“My friend.” Leatherhead came around to the other side of Don, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Please…”

But Don didn’t stop. Couldn’t. His entire body was panicking, desperately trying to fight off the grief that threatened to settle in. Desperately fighting acceptance. Mikey seemed to be in the same boat, clinging to his brother’s cold hand as though holding it tight enough would bring him back to life.

Finally, Splinter stepped in. Placing his hands over Donatello’s as he had done to stop his last panicked moment, the Father ignored his shattered heart and looked his child in the eyes. “Donatello.” The hurt in his voice was unhindered as he caught his son’s gaze, petrified and frantic. “Your brother has fought long and hard. It is time we let him rest.” The words were like daggers to his soul. He felt as though he were choking on his own emotions, fighting with all the strength he possessed to keep them in check. To keep them far enough away that he could be here for his remaining children.

Mourn later. Feel it later.

Don stared at his Father, terror still running wild and rampant through his eyes. Splinter’s words sunk deep, breaking through his barricades of denial, allowing a river of despair to flow through. Gaze moving to his brother with tears brimming in abundance, Don stared at the lifeless body before him; a true testament to his uselessness to the family. “…R-Raph…” A sob choked his voice as he placed a trembling hand on his brother’s cold arm. Mikey’s cries echoed in his ears as he looked from his younger brother to their now deceased elder. “Oh God…” Tears fell unbidden. Unnoticed. His heart faltered, twisting in pain as though it was being ripped from his chest. Grip tightening on his brother’s arm, terror made way for anguish as logic finally seeped through.

He was gone. Raph was gone.

Don fell to his knees, wracked with tears, and silently wept into his brother’s arm. “RAPH!!!”

Casey’s body shook as he tried to hold in his rage. Tried to deny the fear. His mind simply wouldn’t let him accept this. Raph was not gone! He couldn’t be! He was far too strong to be torn down by the likes of that metal-clad coward! But any words of refute stuck in his throat, unwilling to be voiced. Unwilling to allow reality to unravel them.

Unwilling to hear the truth.

Splinter stood between his two children, both clutching to their fallen brother, and placed an arm over each of their shoulders. How he wished he could take this pain from them. How he wished he had words that would comfort.

But there was nothing.

A single tear fell from his eye, hidden in the fur on his face.

“Raphael, my son…”

 

* * *

 

“Don’t quit Raph. Find home.”

“LEO!”

Back to the darkness. Back to nothing. To the void.

But something was different. It felt… heavier. Thicker. Choking his every breath. It wasn’t just present, it was ominous. Threatening. Dragging him down with savage intent.

He was going to die. The darkness was trying to kill him.

Panic came first. He thrashed against the shadows, groping around for anything to stop his decent. Anything to fight back with. But his muscles failed him, his weapons were lost, and his mind was fogging over. Exhaustion made it’s presence known in no uncertain terms, slamming him into submission with the force of a tank. His thrashing died down quickly, no longer able to move. Everything in him was fading… he couldn’t feel his arms or his legs. Couldn’t feel the shadows tearing at his skin.

So tired.

A hand appeared, dark and foreboding. He pulled away from it instinctually, something in him shouting for it to get back. But it didn’t attack. Didn’t try to drag him away, didn’t claw at his flesh, didn’t attempt any harm. It simply moved closer, offering itself to the tired turtle.

Peace. It offered peace. Rest. Solace from all this fighting, all this pain. All this exhaustion.

His fear ebbed, feeling calm come over him like a ray of sunshine, warming him from the inside out. The darkness fell away from his body, no longer dragging him down. He stood amongst the void, nothing around but the empty black. And this hand of shadow. This thing that offered rest. Safety.

He was cautious, eyes narrowing in mistrust as he stood, staring. But the longer he stood, the calmer he felt. It meant no ill will… it only offered to take away the pain. To end his struggle.

His legs fell beneath him, no longer able to hold him up. Every breath was a battle, and he was losing. It wouldn’t be long now… he couldn’t fight any longer. No more strength. He was spent.

The darkness offered again. Rest. Respite.

Just let go.

Why not? Why fight it any longer? He knew it was a losing battle, and his energy was completely gone; why not simply let it have him?

The aura of peace it emitted was enticing beyond description, his soul reached for it in hopes of ending the struggle.

He gave in.

Let go of everything; the fight, the pain, the weariness, the confusion. He reached for this hand that offered everything his soul desired, and it took him with gentle comfort.

This was right. For the best. This was—

_“Raph, keep going.”_

Leo? Was he here? No, he couldn’t be…

_“Don’t quit, Raph.”_

Quit? He wasn’t quitting… was he? No, this was right. He couldn’t fight anymore. No more strength…

_“Find home.”_

Home? He was home. This peace, this comfort, it could only come from home.

_“Find home.”_

The words echoed around him like a heartbeat, scaring something inside him to life. This was… wrong. He shouldn’t be here. Something was missing. Something…

_“Raph.”_

He had to go. This was all wrong. Had to get out! Jerking his hand away from the shadows, he turned around, searching for any way out. The light. Where did the light go!? Nothing but black, all around. Didn’t matter. Move. Anywhere! Just away from here!

But the shadows would not be denied so easily. The darkness would not let him leave.

Death called his name.

_“Raph!”_

Wait… he knew that voice. Something familiar, tugging at his heart. Brother. It was his brother. Had to get to it! Had to follow it! The voice would lead him out! He clawed at the void, feet trudging through shadows thick as tar, sticking to him and pulling him back with such force. He only managed to struggle several feet before exhaustion found him again. Falling to his knees, gasping for air, he felt the shadows creep behind him.

Death beckoning. Peace, at last.

There was no fighting it. Nothing he could do. He had nothing left, no strength, no will, no direction. He was lost. Alone. Finished.

Give in. Let it go.

_“Don’t you dare!”_

Was that… Casey? How? Where? Where were these voices coming from? “Case…” Didn’t matter. Too tired. Sleep. Need sleep.

_“You gotta fight!”_

Why? He was tired… so so tired. Yet something stirred in him; a fire stoking that he couldn’t place. Didn’t matter… he couldn’t move anyway. So tired…

_“FIGHT!”_

No! Casey’s right. Had to fight! Had to find a way! There’s always a way!

_“You gotta come back!”_

Mikey. He sounded so hurt. Scared. Protective insticts kicked in like an engine roaring to life. Had to get up. Find Mikey. Protect Mikey! But how? Where should he go? How could he— A light! The light was back! Distant, so very far away, but there! The fire blazed inside him, the fire his Father had always called ‘spirit’.

Come on Raph… get up!

He pushed himself from the ground, not knowing or caring where the strength to do so came from. The shadows still clung to him, reaching, pulling, dragging him back. But he resisted. He planted his feet, squared his shoulders, and stepped forward, ripping the darkness from his skin as he moved.

Focus on the light. Follow the light.

But it was so dim.

_“We need you!”_

His brother’s fearful cries echoed in his soul, drawing out the desire to keep going. The desire to fight.

_“Wake up, Raph.”_

Donnie. He could almost feel him! The light in the distant burned brighter with his brothers voices, but still so far away.

The darkness fought. It was angry now, pulling at his very soul with such strength, he didn’t know how he was fighting it. But he was. His brothers drove him. Needed him.

Had to find home.

He slogged one foot forward, then the other, the tar weighing him down as a burden too heavy to carry. Death would not be denied so easily. It splayed the peace of eternity before him like a tantalizing buffet. Come. Partake. Rest.

_“You can’t leave!”_

His brothers. Find his brothers. Find home.

The final straw. Death turned on him. If he could not be tempted, he would forced. It’s form changed from inviting hand to deadly scythe, sailing towards his shell with angry momentum.

It pierced. Through his shell, through his back, and out his heart.

He gasped, air no longer coming to his aid. No… this couldn’t be it! He couldn’t lose! Had to keep going! Find home! Keep moving! But it had him… he couldn’t fight, couldn’t move, couldn’t save himself.

_“Don’t quit, Raph. Find home.”_

Leo. His brothers. His family.

Try. Keep trying. They need you to try.

Against the fatigue, against the pain, against the black tar burning his skin and dragging him under, he fought.

He would always fight.

Movement proved more painful than he remembered ever experiencing, but he shouted at the darkness, trudging through the pain. He inched ever forward, the scythe being pried from his back with each step.

The blade was gone.

Death seemed too stunned to move. Raph took advantage, straining against the shadows, inching his way closer to the light.

Almost there.

Chest burning, legs collapsing, heart refusing to beat. He fell to his knees, his body unwilling, unable to go any further.

Death found itself again. Found him. One last attempt; it refused to let him go.

Suddenly the darkness swarmed. Like bats, screeching all around him, tearing flesh and dragging him back.

He was losing. Not strong enough. Too weak… at least he tried. At least he put up a fight.

Something else touched him. Reached through the swarm to tug at his soul. It was there with him, in the darkness, fighting for him.

_“Don’t quit, Raph.”_

“Leo?” But no reply came. Just the echo of eternity, culling him away from all that he knew. He was fading… fading fast. Too tired…

_“We need you.”_

Donnie. Couldn’t find him. Couldn’t reach him. Too far… it was too far away. “I’m sorry guys…” He needed to rest. No more. Rest.

_“Please…”_

A hand. He felt a hand. Mikey! Mikey was holding his hand, pulling him forward. But the darkness was too thick, too powerful, too all encompassing. No way to beat it. No way out. He couldn’t—

Don! He felt Don too, holding his arm, adding to his momentum!

And it finally clicked.

He had no more strength to give… but his brothers were lending him theirs.

_“Don’t quit, Raph.”_

Leo again. He was here too… somewhere, fighting the darkness with him. He could feel his strength, his will to keep moving.

“Alright.” He glared at the void around him, a fighters fire burning in his eyes. “You want me, come get me.” He shouted. Dared.

He would fight to last. Fight with his brothers.

Fight _for_ his brothers.

 

* * *

 

They were broken. Completely shattered. No more Leo. No more Raph. No more leader. No more shield. No more older brothers.

No more…

This was insane! How could this have happened!? How could the world turn into so cruel a place!? It made no sense! Don wracked his brain for any logic, any explanation as to why this was happening: why his brothers and not him? Why was he left behind to pick up the pieces?

Why did they have to die?

It hurt. More than any pain Shredder had ever forced on them. Don had always read about loss being painful, but aside from the obvious emotional turmoil, he’d always assumed it was mostly in the mind. He was wrong. Dead wrong. This was painful –physically painful! It felt like his heart was being dug out of his chest with a rusted knife. He wanted to hurl. Wanted to run. Wanted to put all this behind him and pretend it never happened.

Wanted to die. Anything would be better than this living hell.

As he clung to his brother’s cold body, Don could feel himself shutting down. Every muscle, every nerve, every fiber of his being was shouting at him. Shouting his guilt.

It was his fault.

He should have operated sooner. Should have seen that tear in the artery before it opened. Should have been more careful!

It was his fault!

“…Raph?”

Mikey’s voice sent a shiver down Don’s spine; never before had he heard his baby brother’s voice so broken. Never.

“Don?”

No. Please no. Not now. He couldn’t be a support now. Couldn’t comfort, couldn’t pretend like they’d find a way past this. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

“Don, look!”

He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to leave his pit of despair to see the pain in his baby brother’s innocent eyes, but the frightful hope in Mikey’s tone drew his attention unwillingly. He pulled his head from Raph’s arm to find what was being pointed at… and gaped. Breath caught in his throat as his eyes widened in fearful awe. In hope.

Raph was squeezing Mikey’s hand.

“It can’t be…” Perhaps some form of rigor mortis? Some twitch from random synapses firing in a last attempt for survival? No… his fingers were moving! They curled even tighter around Mikey’s hand, locking in a weak grip.

He was fighting! Somehow, impossibly, Raph was still fighting to stay alive.

“Raph!” Don squeezed his brother’s shoulder, desperation reaching new levels of torment as he stared at the elder’s closed eyes. “Raph, can you hear me?” Silence. Nothing. No movement. No breath. No heartbeat. No signs of life. But his hand… his hand still gripped Mikey’s, refusing to let go.

Screw logic. Screw science. Screw it all! He didn’t care why or how, but Raph was still here! “Raph, you’ve gotta keep fighting!” He gripped his brother’s other shoulder, eyes begging for anything to show life. “If you can hear me, please, don’t quit!”

“Right, bro, you gotta hang in there! We’re here!” Mikey joined in the fray, squeezing his brother’s hand as though he could physically pull him back from whatever force was stealing him away. “Please, Raph… come back.”

 

* * *

 

_“Come back.”_

He could hear them clearer now. Feel their presence. They were close. So close!

Brazen with his brothers’ strength, Raph thrashed against the shadows. They were thicker now, and turning sharp, like daggers cutting his flesh and pealing him back.

Not enough. Still not enough. The darkness was strong. Death was a powerful force. His feet slid backward against his wishes. Come on! Forward!

 

* * *

 

Casey had still been caught up in his own wild denial when he saw Raph’s hand curl around Mikey’s. His eyes widened in frantic hope; he knew it! He knew it! No way Raph was giving up without a fight! Moving beside the table, he grabbed the cold turtle’s other hand and gripped it till his knuckles paled. “Come on, man, you can lick this! Keep goin’! Keep Fightin’!”

Impossibly, Raph’s hand tightened around Casey’s. The vigilante let out a breath of shocked thankfulness at the movement. “That’s it bro. Keep comin’! Come on back!”

April and Splinter both stared, unable to comprehend what was happening. How…?

 

* * *

 

It was strong. It was too strong! Even with his brothers at his side, he was being pulled back. Every step he managed forward only allowed it to draw him back several feet. Needed more substance. Needed more momentum! Needed more—

_“Keep goin’! Keep fightin’!”_

Casey! Casey was there too, he could feel the added strength! Tugging against the pull anew, he could feel the shadows cry out in protest, upping their ferocity to block out his support. Block out his family. No! If he lost them, the darkness would take him! Don’t go! Dammit, don’t leave!

Another presence calmed his panic, wrapping him in a familiar comfort with the soothing sound of his voice.

_“Come back, my son. Come home.”_

Father. Sensei was here too.

Everyone was here. He could feel them all fighting for him, lending him strength, begging him to return.

“Alright. Now it’s a party.” Raph squared his shoulders, sucking in a deep breath. He lunged forward, pulling strength from all those around him, dragging foot in front of foot, trudging through the thick tar. Slowly, painfully, drudgingly, he pulled and tore his way closer to the light. It grew in front of him, no longer looking like a distant star, but a full moon, drawing ever nearer.

Death was not intimidated. It’s swarm continued, clawing at his skin, his eyes, his shell- anything it could sink it’s talons into. The sheer power of it’s presence brought Raph to his knees once more.

Dammit. No! He was so close! So close!! Come on, keep going!

But he could feel himself fading.

Don’t give in. Don’t quit. Find home!

He reached forward from the ground, refusing to lie down in defeat, crawling and clawing through the swarm. Almost there!

Fading fast.

_Almost home!_

Vision blurring.

_Keep moving!_

Too much. Too weak.

Fading.

_Almost—!_

 

* * *

 

Mikey didn’t even notice his tears anymore. He was crying in fear, in horror, in hope. Raph was gripping his hand. He wasn’t breathing, but he was gripping his hand. Raph was still here. He had to be. They needed him to be.

Everyone threw their words of encouragement at the red-banded turtle, all begging him to fight, to come home, to open his eyes. All desperate to change the reality of that awful, screaming, flat line. Splinter had moved to the head of the table beside Leatherhead, placing his hand on Raphael’s forehead. At first, he had wanted to stop his sons from their frantic denial, but his heart wouldn’t let him. Forcing them to come to grips with the truth meant he had to face it too, and his spirit simply couldn’t handle it.

He couldn’t lose another son. Couldn’t lose Raphael.

So he’d thrown himself into meditation, adding his own words of strength to the fray, hoping he might find his son as he had before. But all he found was darkness… heavy and void of life. He called into it anyway, still not able to accept defeat. To accept the loss.

April watched as Splinter joined in the denial. She watched Leatherhead place his hand on Raph’s shoulder, speaking no words, but eyes saying more than enough. It could be a twitch. A delayed reflex only now connecting the right synapses to make his hand move. A remnant of a previous order given by Raph’s brain that only now filtered out of his system.

He was dead. …Wasn’t he? She stared at the machine, incredulous that Donnie wasn’t thinking as she was. Or maybe he’d already combed through all those possibilities and rejected them to hold onto hope. Maybe he was ignoring logic in favor of frantic belief in a miracle.

Maybe Raph was alive.

April’s mind was still trying to work through all the logistics of how this was happening when she felt herself moving forward, placing a hand beside Casey’s on Raph’s arm. Before she knew it, she was speaking the same words of faith and endurance as the others. Ignoring the pale cold of his skin, ignoring the heart monitor’s cry of reality, ignoring the voice in her head that said this was just denial, she too begged Raph to fight. To come back. To live.

But almost as soon as she’d given into the dream of belief in the impossible, reality dropped on them with cold betrayal, shattering the illusion.

Raph’s hands went slack, releasing their grip on both Mikey and Casey.

Breathing was no longer possible. The air was too thin, their lungs too frozen, and their minds too shocked. Too mortified.

Mikey stared down at his brother’s cold hand, still clasped tightly between his own. Breath shaking out in terrified rasps, his eyes were wide as he froze in horror. “Raph?” The name was almost indiscernible through the emotion choking his body. “Raph!?” He stared at his brother’s face, his hard features still twisted in pain. Eyes closed forever. Passionate fire put out.

Gone.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!” The scream rend from his throat without thought or care, filled with all the anguish now crushing his soul into submission. Air stopped coming. His heart stopped beating.

He wished he was dead.

The cry echoed through the room, piercing everyone with it’s raw sorrow and hellish pain. Everyone froze in a horrifying tableau of broken hearts and screaming tears.

It was Don who moved first. Taking his arms from Raph’s cold shoulders, he turned away from the body in front of him to wrap his baby brother in a tight embrace. This was it. This was the moment he’d been preparing for. The moment he’d promised Mikey he would be there to help him through. The moment he’d prayed would never come, but silently accepted was unavoidable.

This was real.

Pulling Mikey tighter against himself, Donnie made no attempt to hush his shouting, his own despair mirrored in his brother’s tormented wailing. Silent tears streamed from his eyes as he held the young, quaking turtle. His only living brother…

His only living brother.

No point in fighting it anymore. No point denying it. Closing his eyes to draw in a deep breath, Don opened them to his new reality: Leo dead. Raph dead.

Shredder won.

And it was all too much. Too much pain, too much grief, too much horror. His heart couldn’t take it; couldn’t refute the truth, nor accept it. So it shut down. Closed off. He felt nothing as he watched April put her hand to a shocked Casey’s face. Felt nothing as the vigilante seemed to freeze in place, staring at the corpse on the table with wide, pleading eyes. Felt nothing as Splinter lowered his head to Raph’s, whispering words in Japanese he couldn’t understand but somehow knew what they meant. Felt nothing as his baby brother wailed in his arms, literally quaking with emotion.

Entirely numb.

The only shred of emotion he felt came when Leatherhead moved to shut the life support off. Don’s heart lurched, not wanting to make this situation permanent, still gnawing at the idea that Raph could somehow be saved. But he squelched it, suppressing the urge to tell Leatherhead to stop. Let it go. Let him go.

Let him rest.

Leatherhead suddenly stayed his hand, staring at the machine. He turned to Don whose eyes were fixed on the heart monitor, the numbness of his heart overtaken by disbelief.

In the midst of it’s screeching death march, the constant flat line halted, suddenly hiccupping a familiar, rhythmic sound.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.


	26. Endless Journey

Beep. Beep.

The room had frozen once more, all eyes staring –yet again- at the heart monitor. A slow, steady beep continued to emit from the machine, it’s rhythmic beat the only sound in the room. Disbelief and shock replaced the hopeless despair that had destroyed their reality not moments before.

No one dared move for fear of breaking the spell. Fear of crashing the illusion of hope beeping before them.

Once again, Don was the one to move first. He surprised even himself as his arms fell away from Mikey, turning to face the cold turtle in front of him. It wasn’t possible… as desperately as he wanted it to be real, logic cried foul. It couldn’t be… could it?

Everything in him was suddenly at war with itself: heart fiercely needing it to be real, logic screaming it’s impossibility, and mind demanding proof.

His body moved without prompt, raising two fingers to press against Raph’s carotid in his neck. Not entirely sure of what he was expecting, he held his breath as he waited, trying to clear the numbness from his—

Thump.

Don’s eyes shot wide; did… did he really feel that? He waited again, wanting to be sure it wasn’t something his brain concocted to try and ease the pain.

Thump.

Again. There it was again! A heavy beat against his fingers. A steady, albeit slow, rhythm drumming just below the skin.

Thump.

A pulse. Raph had a pulse!

The machine wasn’t toying with them, it spoke truth.

Raph was alive!

Surprisingly, relief didn’t flood Don like he’d expected it to, his body opting for sustained fear and disbelief. Did he dare to hope this might be real? What if Raph’s heart stopped and they had to go through all this yet again? He couldn’t… he just couldn’t…

“Donatello?”

Leatherhead’s voice cut through the silence, jarring the tall turtle from his thoughts. What should he say? If this was a trick of the mind, it certainly was an elaborate one. The beat against his fingers remained steady, drumming reality and hope into his body with every thrum. Words failed him a moment longer as he stood staring at his brother, unable to mask his disbelief. “…He has a pulse.”

Splinter instinctually reached to feel for himself, the thump of a familiar heartbeat allowing his own to beat once more. He exhaled in relief, his voice letting on more of the fear he’d harbored than he’d meant to. “Oh, my son!”

“But how is this…?”

“Leatherhead,” Don cut his friend off before he could voice the skepticism they all felt. “He needs another IV. April, grab some more blankets, we need to warm him up. Casey—“

“Don’t even think about it!” Casey’s voice was curt, standing to emphasize his point. “I ain’t leaving.” He knew Don was giving everyone tasks to keep their minds occupied and panic to a minimum, but there was no way he was running off on some stupid errand just to clear his head. For once, he was staying put. And no one was moving him until Raph opened his stupid eyes so Casey could clobber him.

Don sighed in resignation, not having the energy to put up a fight. The blankets and IV were all he really needed right now anyways. Although if anyone wanted to raid a hospital and grab him some atropine, he wouldn’t object; if his brother’s heart gave out again, it was doubtful whatever strength had pulled him through would still be present. Splinter pulled the stool that had been kicked away in his panic closer to the head of the table, his hand never leaving Raphael’s shoulder. Clearly, he wasn’t going anywhere either.

Finally managing to move his eyes away from the heart monitor, Don turned to Mikey who still clung to Raph’s hand, his shouting having died to soft whimpers. The panic still present in his baby brother’s eyes was gut wrenching, though Don couldn’t be certain his own face didn’t have the same terror in it. But what could he do? What they’d just experienced wasn’t something he could brush off with a simple ‘it’s going to be OK’, especially knowing how empty such a promise would be. The truth was, Raph was clearly very weak. His heart was in the fight of it’s life and had been for far too long, and without any drugs to aid him, Donnie could only rely on his older brother’s strength of will to get him through this. They were nowhere near out of the woods.

But Raph was fighting, tooth and nail, obviously unwilling to give up. So neither could they. He meant what he’d told Mikey earlier; if there was anyone in the world with the stubbornness to make it out of this alive, it was Raphael.

With that encouragement in mind, Don kneeled beside his younger sibling, placing his hands overtop the quaking turtle’s. It was several moments before he could find the courage to speak without his own doubts wavering in his voice, but he finally managed. “…He’s alive, Mikey.” The youngest didn’t dare move his eyes from Raph’s, still wide and red from crying, and hands shaking from fear. “Michelangelo,” In an uncharacteristically physical move, Don placed a hand on his brother’s cheek, finally drawing his attention. “He’s alive. Raph’s still alive.”

The young turtle’s eyes still shouted it’s doubt, despite his obvious desire to believe. So Don took his brother’s hand and placed it on Raph’s wrist, allowing him to feel the drum beneath his fingers.

That did the trick. Mikey’s eyes pulled wider, tearing up once more as he stared at their brother’s wrist, now pulsating with life. He didn’t speak –which was a clear sign of emotional overload for the talkative turtle- so Don did the only thing he knew to comfort; he hugged him once more. Unexpectedly drawing comfort for himself from the embrace, the genius turtle held his baby brother as tears slipped from his eyes. “It’s Ok, little brother. We’re all still here…”

Don had no idea if what he said did anything to relax the younger turtle in his arms, until he felt Mikey burry his face in his shoulder, eyes screwed shut, and one arm returning the hug around his chest. His body quaked anew as tears cascaded unabashedly. Tears of relief.

Don held tight, both for his brother’s sake and his own, needing something to focus on that would clear his mind of all the waves of emotion trying to take him over. “It’ll be OK.” As stupid as it sounded in his head, it came out much more convincing than expected. He believed it. He honestly believed it. If Raph had been able to fight his way this far, he would make it home… Don was sure of it now. “Everything will be OK.”

One thing was for sure; neither Raph, nor anyone else in the room, would be able to make it through that again.

Never again.

 

* * *

 

_“Raph…”_

_“No one’s going to die.”_

_“He’s not invincible Leo.”_

_“I’ll get us out of here. All four of us.”_

_“Take me!”_

_“I—… I can’t hear him breathing…”_

_“RAPH!”_

_“How could you!?”_

_“Mikey. Take Mikey.”_

_“LEONARDO!”_

Eyes shot open as his mouth gasped for air, grappling against the rib digging into his lung. His throat contracted into a coughing fit, spilling blood from his lips as his body tried to steady itself. Everything was hazy. Blurred. As if waking from a month long sleep. Brow furrowing as he tried to clear the cobwebs, images and thoughts passed through his mind with no context or understanding. He rasped another shallow breath, eyes straining shut against the pain in his arm as he tried to focus.

He was… alive? Something in the back of his mind told him that shouldn’t be possible.

The cold suddenly hit him, sending a swift shudder through his body. A barrage of questions flooded his mind as memories returned of his daring escape from the current and subsequent nap.

Focus, Leo. Had to focus.

The ache burning through his arm and chest proved he was still hurt as bad as before, but at least pain meant nothing was numb anymore- numbness would be a very bad sign. Breathing was still difficult, particularly lying on his chest as he was, so swimming hadn’t done his broken ribs any favors. If anything they were prodding his lungs even more now.

Taking what deep of a breath he could, he forced his left arm into action, attempting to lift his weight, to no avail. Chest barely lifting off the ground, he groaned as his arm gave out, splaying him back on the floor with anything but grace. A wave of pain coursed through him from the thud of his failure, only adding to the discomfort plaguing his body. Come on… get up. Several meditative breaths later, he was trying again, this time managing to almost flip on his back before his arm fell under the presser and smacked his face against concrete once more. Unable to stop the cry that escaped his lips, he chastised his own weakness; were it not so embarrassingly pathetic, he might think it was comical.

It’s Ok. Take time. Breathe through it.

More minutes passed as Leo gathered strength in order to sit up. Sleep had made his entire body stiffer than his shell and overly sore, making every movement a mighty battle to be fought. It took longer than hoped for, but through great stubbornness, he finally managed to push himself up to a sitting position. Every muscle revolted, attempting to drag him back down with their screams of pain. Fortunately the wall was there to lend it’s support. He leaned heavily against it, panting for breath at all the expended effort in managing this one, minute task.

Alright. Sitting up. Improvement. Yet it brought a shameful sense of déjà vu; hadn’t he done all this just a short while ago?

Focus. Assess. Get moving.

Left hand moving gently to inspect his injuries, it seemed his arm was no longer bleeding as much, only trickling slightly down his right side. But while the blood was less, the pain had increased, particularly from his ribs. Had they only previously been fractured, they were certainly broken now- the water current had made sure of that. Though mostly dry, the water had soaked into his skin, chilling him to the bone; any colder and he was sure he’d freeze into an icicle. Driving his point home, another shiver tingled his body, rippling through his broken ribs and drawing a small whimper from his lips. Even shivering hurt…

While his mind was grateful for the sleep he’d been forced into, the rest of his body was less than gracious about it. And any ounce of strength he might have gathered from such rest had been stolen by his ravenous stomach and dehydration. How long had it been since he last ate or drank anything? He doubted the sewer water he swallowed during his tumble counted for much.

Dehydrated, starving, tired, and injured… getting home was not going to be an easy task. But he was alive, and that was a miracle not to be taken for granted. Nor was it something he understood.

Ignoring the fact that he should have died in the explosion, how on earth did he manage to wake up after passing out? It was possible years of cold New York winters could have steeled his body for this type of chill, and the blood trickling from his arm wasn’t enough to be of concern. But the exhaustion, the lack of food and water, and the fact that breathing had become as competitive as an Olympic sport, gave him pause. His body was trained for harsh conditions, but this seemed far past any limits he’d ever tested. And he highly doubted his ‘mutant blood’ was enough to account for this level of miraculous.

While it bothered him to not have answers, he also knew better than to question it all too deeply; accept the gift and move on, lest the giver take it back.

Next task: survey surroundings.

It took him a moment to realize his eyes were open; it was nearly impossible to tell with how dark it was. The water had taken him several miles away from his original path, by his guess, and he wasn’t even certain that had been the right way.

In other words, he had no idea where he was, where he was going, or how far it would be to get there. Entirely lost.

Exactly where he’d been when he started.

Letting a frustrated sigh pass his lips, he idly toyed with the idea of staying in one spot with the hope his family might find him. But the thought was quickly tossed out; if they believed him to be dead –which was highly likely- they weren’t going to send a search party through the sewers. And even if they did, the chances they’d find him wherever he was were slim, to say the least.

He was on his own.

Another shudder sent more pain shooting down his arm. He hissed at the unexpected onslaught, leaning his head against the wall as he closed his eyes once more. Focus. Think of a plan. Find a way home.

No way to know where he was or how far he was from where he’d first woken, nor did he know if the direction he’d been traveling had been anywhere towards home. The water carried him at least several miles, but due to his long tumble through the air, there was no way to know what direction. For all he knew, he could be exactly where he’d started. And to his dismay, whatever instinct that had been guiding him before hadn’t made it out of the water, as he no longer felt a pull in any direction.

He’d always told Raph there was a time and place for swearing, and to his tired mind, this moment was prime. But cursing his situation wasn’t going to make anything easier, so he withheld.

Didn’t matter which way he swung it, the best plan was to find a way to the surface so he could get his bearings: find out if he was in another country or anywhere near home. If by some miracle –which he seemed to have in spades lately- he was in Manhattan, a trip to the surface would be enough to direct him home. The biggest problem came in finding a way up top: he’d have to climb to a manhole, and unless one had light shining directly on top of it, he doubted he’d spot any ladders in this darkness. Not to mention the idea of attempting to climb in his condition was… worrisome, to say the least.

He sighed. The whole plan sounded like one long shot after another, and it was still his best bet. But then, he’d survived electrocution, an explosion, and nearly drowning in a sewer pipe, so it might be safe to count luck on his side.

Up it was.

Gathering what little strength he had, Leonardo attempted to stand. A feeble effort, with very little help from his legs, resulting in his feet fumbling beneath him and collapsing under his own weight. So much for the graceful leader. Landing hard on his bottom, he held his right side as more pain shot through him. After mental chastisement at his own weakness, he sucked in another shallow breath and attempted again.

Man, if the guys could see him now.

Thoughts of his family brought newfound stubbornness roiling through his system, giving him enough will to get his feet under him and standing once more. Leaning heavily on the wall for support, legs quaking beneath him, and every muscle raging in active objection, he took another moment to inhale. He was tired already…

Come on, ignore the pain. Pain is in the mind.

A simple step forward rebuked such a thought, shooting a harsh sting through his ribs. He winced, coughing out the ache.

Breathe through it. Focus. Small movements.

Finally managing some form of hobble, Leo hugged the wall as he began his trek through the darkness. Despite his best efforts, the hopelessness that surrounded him refused to dissipate; in all truth, he knew how unlikely it was he would reach home. Having already broken through so many of his limitations, it was doubtful his body could continue such a pace for much longer, especially without food or water to nourish it. And the chances of him actually finding his way home from wherever he was were beyond miniscule.

But he refused to give in to such thoughts. While Leo didn’t put much stock in his own worth to the family –particularly after recent events- he could feel their pain. Feel their fear. Whether it was due to his ‘loss’ or not, he couldn’t know, but that sense brought every older brother protective instinct raging to surface, demanding he move forward.

If his family needed him, he would find a way home.

Dragging himself along the wall, Leo followed the brick wherever it led him. A small uphill presented some trouble, but stubbornness once again won the day, allowing him to trudge himself to the top. As he cleared the summit of this most arduous mountain (which in reality was little more than a few feet of twenty degree incline), Leo stopped, desperately in need of breath. He’d never felt more pathetic in his life. He felt his legs quaking beneath him, ready to give out at any moment, so he continued moving, hoping to walk off their quivering.

The darkness seemed to close in around him as he moved, and for the briefest moments, Leo thought he saw Raph in the shadows, being dragged away once more.

Focus, Leo. Move. One foot, then the other.

Keep going.

 

* * *

 

The tone of the lair had change dramatically since Raph’s dance with death twenty-four hours earlier. His heart continued to beat at a steady pace, miraculously growing stronger with every passing hour. Don had no idea how that was possible, but he didn’t dare questions it. He simply prayed it wasn’t a dream or hallucination his mind was concocting to keep from feeling the pain of reality.

Casey and Mikey remained on either side of the table, both refusing to release Raph’s hand. Don couldn’t blame them; if he didn’t have to be up checking the IV and respirator every few minutes, he’d probably be sitting with his hand on his brother’s neck, making sure the pulse was still there. Splinter had also remained on his stool by his son’s head, a hand on his shoulder at all times. They were all worried…

Leatherhead was always around, helping Don take care of his brothers. When he wasn’t changing an IV or checking vitals, he was inspecting Mikey’s injuries and rewrapping bandages. He’d even managed to force Don to sit still long enough to check his burns. And April had been running herself ragged playing mother hen; it was no easy feat trying to get any of the others to eat food at a time like this. The guilt trip approach tended to be the only thing that worked, and while she wasn’t a fan of using it, if it kept them all from starving themselves, she’d do what she had to. Keeping the coffee pot constantly full was also a task she took upon herself. Without it, she was certain Don and Casey would have passed out by now. And while she was beyond used to days with little sleep, the emotional rollercoaster they’d all been on this past while had taken a it’s toll on her as well; she needed caffeine to keep her going. To keep her thoughts from lingering too long on how close they’d been to losing another brother.

Despite the desperate look of the family clinging to their fallen member, the air was much less dense and heavy than it had been. The blanket of terror that had held them hostage for so long was finally beginning to lift. Every time Don checked Raph’s heartbeat to find it stronger, the room warmed, no longer choking them all with raw anguish. For the first time since Raph’s incident with their enemy, Don thought it might be possible for his brother to survive. It wouldn’t be easy, and his road to recovery would certainly be a long one, but it was finally a _possibility_. Logic no longer screamed at him to let go, but rather that this battle may actually be won.

It was still possible their red-banded brother could remain in a coma even if recovered from his injuries, but right now that was a reality Don was willing to live with if it meant keeping Raph alive.

Finally, he had hope.

Taking the seat next to Mikey, Donnie checked Raph’s pulse one more time before finally taking a breather and sitting still for a moment. It had been a very long twenty-four hours… for all of them. But tired as he was, sleep wasn’t an option right now. Not until Raph was truly in the clear.

Turning to glance at the younger turtle, Don could see the exhaustion in his features; as one not used to staying up so much, Mikey was likely more tired than the rest of them. But, as Don, he refused to sleep. The genius turtle could see the bags under his eyes even from where he sat. He’d tried to make his brother sleep once or twice, but like everyone else, Mikey wouldn’t have it. He was scared… and Don couldn’t blame him. What they’d been through was something out of their worst nightmares, and Don could only imagine that’s exactly what Mikey saw every time he closed his eyes.

He wished he knew how to help. He’d tried offering the usual comforts, reminding the younger turtle that Raph was still alive and even getting stronger, but the fear in Mikey’s eyes remained. At this rate, it was likely his brother wouldn’t perk up until he saw Raph open his eyes. None of them would.

If only he knew what to do; his own emotional turmoil was still weighing heavy on his heart, making it difficult to find ways to be there for the others.

For what had to be the hundred-and-sixty-second time since they got back, Don wished Leo was here. He always knew what to say to lift spirits in this kind of situation. Even when Master Splinter had been ill and Leo looked more lost than any time Don could remember, he still seemed to know exactly what to say to keep them together.

_“Hope is stronger than fear.”_

Don sighed. Hope may be stronger, but fear was so much easier. Offering a small smile at April as she placed a cup of coffee beside him (his sixth so far today), his eyes finally settled on his elder brother on the table: skin still pale, vitals still low, and lungs still needing the aid of the respirator to breathe… he could understand Mikey’s worry. By all appearances it didn’t look like Raph was in any better shape than he had been before. But something was… different. Don couldn’t explain it in any medical or logical terms, but for whatever reason, it seemed like their situation wasn’t as dire as it had been. By all accounts it was; Raph could easily have another episode where his heart failed, Don was entirely out of any medication or blood to help him should anything go wrong, and they could end up going through the same mess all over again. Yet there was something that told him not to worry… a small voice in the back of his head that said they were past the worst of it, that Raph would recover, and there was no more need to worry.

He wanted so badly to believe that voice. But he couldn’t lose himself to such dreams just yet, lest he be crushed under another powerful smack by reality. For now, he was simply happy to have his inner thoughts more positive.

Taking a sip of his coffee, Don surveyed the room, noting the sincere lack of rest in everyone’s faces. Even April, who was as used to late nights as himself, was looking rather worst for wear. The only one who didn’t wear their fear and weariness on their face was Master Splinter; how on earth he managed to stay so composed was something Donnie would never understand.

Glancing at his younger brother, Don watched as he put a hand to his head, eyes closing in what looked to be pain. Without even thinking, Don felt his forehead, checking for fever; with how little sleep the younger had been getting, it made sense his infection hadn’t disappeared entirely yet. Not to mention his lack of nourishment; it was one of the first times in his life Don had ever seen Mikey refuse food (though the fact that he was only allowed broth probably didn’t help). Maybe Sensei could convince him to—

“I’m fine, D.” Mikey finally said, taking his brother’s hand from his brow. “Just a little headache.”

Don nodded, still insisting on feeling his pulse to be sure it wasn’t growing too rapid. He could already tell this whole incident was making him paranoid; he’d be checking his brothers’ vitals after every training session or rooftop patrol just to make sure they were breathing properly.

That is, if they ever did those things again.

It hadn’t been something he’d allowed himself to think on too deeply yet, but even if Raph recovered and woke up, they were still one member short.

Leo was still gone.

Would they still be able to go on patrol? Could they still protect the city without their leader to guide them? Don didn’t think of any of his brothers as incompetent, but Leo was the leader for a reason: he was an excellent strategist, a master in reading his opponents, and arguably the best fighter of the four. Without him, how were they supposed to continue? Don could possibly pick up the slack in the strategic area, and Raph didn’t need to read an opponent to know how to beat him most times. And Mikey definitely had more raw talent than any of them, if they could get him to focus enough to put it to use…

Don shook his head; was he actually trying to think of ways to replace Leo?! What was wrong with him!? His brother had barely been gone a week and already he was trying to fill his shoes so it was like he didn’t exist. Like they didn’t need him.

Like they wouldn’t feel his missing presence as a dagger to their hearts every day for the rest of their lives.

Another firm shake had him removing those thoughts from his head: focus on Raph. When their brother healed, then they could deal with everything else. Later. Not now. He didn’t have the mental or emotional strength to deal with it now, and he doubted the others did either. As he sat in his chair, wishing to close his eyes and wake up to find everyone home safe and sound, one thought seized Don’s brain and refused to let go:

What if Raph didn’t wake from his coma?

Later. Deal with it later.

 

* * *

 

It had been surreal, like watching a movie about his life instead of living it. That moment had been the single longest one of Mikey’s life and he would forever beg the world to spare him from a repeat experience. Anguish, despair, fear, all gripping his body in a vice, stabbing his heart with pain he was sure would never end.

That moment would be forever seared into his memory, haunting his dreams until his dying day.

That moment Raph had released his hand.

That moment he thought his brother had died.

A reality that denial could no longer shield him from had settled on his shoulders and he couldn’t help but fall to his knees under it’s immense finality. There were no words, no jokes, no snarky quips or despondent pleas that would make it go away. His heart felt like it shattered, scattering the pieces like shards of glass to attack the rest of his body. Everything shut down under that crushing wall of loss.

It was all too much.

He screamed. A cry of anguish in place of the words he couldn’t find.

Raph was dead.

…And then he wasn’t.

And then his prayers were answered. And then the universe took pity and gave into his groveling.

A beep shattered the nightmare, breaking through like a baseball through a window.

Mikey had been in such a state of shock that his mind thought it was a dream; a sweet illusion to escape the pain.

But it wasn’t. It was real. Thank God it was real.

It took Don forcing his fingers over their brother’s wrist to feel a pulse before Mikey’s mind truly accepted it, but feeling that faint thrum had banished his despair with such swiftness, his emotions were getting whiplash.

Don’s words of comfort kept him from melting into a frantic body of emotion, but there was no way to stop the tears that flowed. Tears of joy, tears of fear, and some tears simply because his heart was still trying to understand whether it was broken or whole.

It had been a rollercoaster of emotions Mikey never wanted to ride again.

As the hours passed and his brother continued to heal, Mikey thought of his family; of their time in that prison and how hard they all fought to protect each other. It reminded him that no matter how much they bugged, poked, prodded, annoyed, or drove one another crazy, they were brothers. First and foremost. And they cared for each other, no matter what.

Even though Raph would never admit it words, his actions spoke volumes. Like how he would take a knife to the chest to keep his baby brother safe.

With how close they’d come to losing their temperamental brother, Mikey was grateful for that moment in the prison where he’d told his siblings how much they meant to him. That he loved them.

He hadn’t told Leo.

Their leader was off fighting to free them and hadn’t heard Mikey’s words of adoration. And now he never would.

But the young turtle didn’t have the strength to feel that guilt now. He was barely holding onto his sanity as it was, he couldn’t let himself think about their fallen brother. Not yet. Not until Raph got better.

Staring at the pale turtle before him, Mikey could feel the fear creeping into his heart. Every time he looked at his brother, he heard that screeching flat line. Saw the stillness of Raph’s chest. It made him cringe every time, clutching to the elder turtle’s cold hand even tighter.

It had been so close. And all because Raph had been protecting him.

Don putting a hand to his head brought Mikey back from his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed he’d been holding his temples against the throbbing. After several moments of Don seeming to be frozen staring at nothing, Mikey finally removed his hand. “I’m fine, D. Just a little headache.” And as his brother returned to whatever thoughts were swarming his mind, so did Mikey.

He sat staring at his now eldest brother –a thought that sent a shudder of grief through his system- but surprisingly didn’t make any silent pleas that Raph awake. Didn’t bargain with the universe, swearing to never prank his brothers again if they got out of this alive. He didn’t even beg that Raph open his eyes, if only for a moment. He simply sat, holding his brother’s hand, knowing that he would pull through. Because Raph wouldn’t go down without a fight, he’d proven that already. He had the stubbornness of twenty people, always refused to admit defeat, and never backed down from a challenge.

He would beat this. He would wake up.

Resting his head on Raph’s arm, Mikey could still feel the terror of hours before clinging to his heart. He had to continuously remind himself it hadn’t ended in tragedy, that Raph was still alive. The fear was still so near, he couldn’t let himself close his eyes. Which, of course, didn’t go unnoticed by Donnie.

“You shouldn’t force yourself to stay awake, Mikey. Your body needs sleep to heal.”

The younger sibling shook his head with a grin. “Reprising your role as Pot, I see.” The amused smile from his brother was a silent victory that kept him talking. “Well this Kettle won’t be sleeping any time soon. There’s still plenty of steam in the ol’—“

“Alright, I get it.” Don rolled his eyes humorously. “Let the metaphor die already.”

In the moment of silence that followed, Mikey watched as his brother’s chest rose and fell in slow consistency, ever vigilant to make sure it continued to do so. “What do you think he’ll do when he wakes up to see us all hovering over him like this?”

A snort from Casey turned their attention. “Probably try an’ walk it off, spoutin’ his usual ‘just a scratch’ line.” And how Casey wished he would.

Mikey nodded. Knowing Raph, the intimate attention coupled with the vulnerability of being laid up in bed would be an endless source of embarrassment. Yet still, none of them would leave until they’d seen Raph open his eyes. Which brought another unwanted thought to the surface. “Don?”

Noticing the tentativeness in his brother’s voice, the genius turtle couldn’t bring himself to turn and face Mikey, unsure of what he would see in the young turtle’s features. “Yeah?”

“…How long do coma’s last?”

And just like that, Don could feel his shoulders bow under the power of fear. He shrugged, trying not to let it show. “Depends. They’ve been recorded to last anywhere from twenty-four hours to…” He glanced over at the pale turtle beside him. “…A very long time.”

“So… Do you think Raph—“

“He’s going to wake up, Mikey. I… don’t know when, or even how at this point,” and he didn’t care to ask for fear of ruining their good fortune. “But I know he will.”

The adamancy of Don’s tone was a comfort, but Mikey still couldn’t help the powerlessness that crawled through his skin. He wanted to help. He wanted to do something to make this all go faster. To do something to bring his brother back.

He wanted to talk with Raph again. Wanted to see his green angry eyes and permanent scowl.

Wanted to apologize for getting him hurt.

But Don looked entirely convinced that Raph would wake, and if their resident doctor believed it, it must be true.

And with that through in his mind, Mikey laid his head back on Raph’s arm.

Raph would wake up. He had to.

 

* * *

 

It was endless. This darkness that surrounded him seemed to go on into eternity. No light, no indication he was moving in the right direction, or even that he was moving at all. If not for the pain in his feet, Leonardo couldn’t have been sure he was even walking; he could just as easily have been passed out, simply dreaming of finding home.

Can’t focus on the darkness. Just keep moving. These tunnels can’t go on forever, something will show up eventually; a light, an exit, anything.

Just. Keep. Moving.

After what felt like walking for a week, Leo was beyond exhausted. He knew he could last several more days without food or water (one more reason to be thankful for being a turtle), and he knew he wouldn’t bleed to death anytime soon, but if weariness didn’t drag him to sleep for a month, he was sure he couldn’t move another inch. Taking yet another of his many breaks, he panted for air while leaning on the wall. Where was any of this getting him? For all he knew, he’d only walked himself right back to where he’d started. He could be walking in a giant circle and never know!

Focusing on breathing while he tried to calm his nerves, Leo’s mind wandered –as it always did- back to his family. Back to the lair, to Splinter, to April and Casey. Back to his brothers. Particularly Raph.

The dream of Raph being pulled away to the darkness wasn’t easily shaken from his thoughts. It had felt so real… the connection so potent. But when he woke, that connection was gone. Not diminished, not fading, just gone. The panic that arose at what it might mean had taken great effort to calm, but Leo finally managed to get himself under control; whatever was happening with his younger brother, there was nothing he could do until he got home.

His sibling’s fearful faces as they’d left him behind once again flashed across his eyes. A shake of his head wasn’t enough to rid him of such memories anymore; in his tired state, his mind was having troubles separating reality from remembrance. He took a deep breath, mumbling a mantra Splinter had taught him to help focus.

Had to stay alert. Keep going.

Forcing his tired legs to move, Leo continued onward.

Find home.

Several hours more into his endless walk, Leo began to feel dizziness overcome him. What little vision he had was blurred and his head felt like a weight trying to topple over. He paused yet again, trying to get a handle on the new symptom.

Come on, focus. Don’t give up.

_“Don’t give up, Donnie. You can do it!”_

_“I can’t make it, Leo!” Thirteen year old Donatello dangled from a metal crossing over a water basin, holding tight to the railing with all the strength he had. Fear coursed through his veins and was made plain on his face as he glanced from the railing down to his older brother who swayed at the end of the rope in his other hand._

_“Yes you can!” Leo shouted his encouragement whilst gripping the rope tight, watching as the other end began to slip from his brother’s grasp. He’d tried to climb up the line, but it only made Don lose his grip even more, so he was stuck where he was. Glancing down, Leo gulped. A fall from their height would certainly hurt, but it was the raging whirlpool of water below that worried him most._

_The young genius, railing in one hand and his brother’s lifeline in the other, strained once more as he tried to pull himself up one-armed. No progress was made, but the struggle did weaken him enough to let the rope slip further through his hand. Don turned back to his brother in terror. “LEO!”_

_“It’s Ok, Donnie! Don’t panic. Try—”_

_“Leo, my hand’s slipping!”_

_“Just hold on—“_

_“—I can’t pull us up!”_

_“Yes you can—“_

_“No I can’t! I’m not Raph, I don’t have that kind of arm strength! There’s no way I can—“_

_“DONNIE!” Leo finally managed to be heard over his brother’s panic. “Look at me.” He waited till the other looked down at him once more. “It’s gonna be alright. I promise, you’re going to be OK. Do you trust me?”_

_Don whimpered, gulping down his fear as he nodded his head. “I trust you, Leo. But I can’t—“_

_“You can. I know you can.”_

_“But I’m not—!”_

_“Don.” Leo gave him the most confident look he could muster, despite the rapidly growing fear attacking his every thought as the rope slipped further through his brother’s hand. “Take a breath. You’re a genius, remember? Work the problem. You can do it.”_

_His words must have sunk in because the look of determination that crossed his younger brother’s face was enough to calm Leo’s nerves, at least slightly._

_“OK.” Don gulped down his fear, mentally calculating, trying to find a way to get them both to safety. His hand on the railing slipped even further as he tried to squash the panic attacking his mind. “O-Ok, I think I got it.” Whipping his legs back and forth, Don started to work up a swinging motion._

_“What’re you—?”_

_“If I can swing you high enough, do you think you can make it back to the tunnel?”_

_Leo looked to the circular opening in the wall leading to the sewer the bridge connected to and nodded; they were only a few feet away, if Don gave him enough of a swing, he could make it. Hopefully. “One way to find out.”_

_“R-Right.” Clearly not the answer he was looking for, but Leo didn’t give it another thought. He added his own force to the swing, helping them gain more altitude. “This is it, Leo! I don’t think we can get any higher!”_

_“Here goes.” The elder turtle whispered to himself as he prepared on the back swing. When the roped pulled him forward and up, he waited till it was at it’s peak –only just lower than the bridge itself- before letting go. He sailed through the air towards the tunnel, heading straight for the wall beside it. Thank Splinter for his training; Leo twisted so his legs hit the wall, using the force of his impact as a springboard to propel him up and over the bridge._

_Making a mental note about how cool that must have looked, Leo ran across the metal bridge, grabbing his brother just as his grip on the railing failed him. “I gottcha bro.”_

_Hauling Donnie over to safety, the two puffed for air as adrenaline coursed through their veins, both looking down to the whirling water below as it swallowed remaining bits of pipe that fell from above. Don looked over at his brother sheepishly, still panting for breath. “Thanks Leo.”_

_“Don’t thank me, it was your plan. You just saved both our lives.” Seeing the look of pride that crossed his brothers face made Leo put a hand to his shell. “Nice job, Donnie.” Yet he couldn’t help but add, “Though next time you want to follow a gizmo through the abandoned areas of the sewers, maybe make sure the pipes are more sturdy.”_

_“At least I insisted we hold the rope to keep track of each other in the dark. Otherwise you’d have been heading to a water treatment plant by now.”_

_The two shared a laugh as Leo helped his brother stand straight. “We better get home before the bridge starts to collapse too.”_

_“Yeah, haha!” Don laughed before looking down at the metal beneath his feet, suddenly feeling it to be very unsteady. “L-Leo, wait up!”_

The memory faded like rippling water from his vision, but he could still picture his brother’s face clear as day. When they got back to the lair, Leo had found out Don pulled a muscle from the force of catching him, yet he never let go of that rope. His younger brother had been young, terrified, and injured, and still managed to find a way out for the both of them. Still fought his own self-doubt to save his brother.

Leonardo managed a small smile at the thought before his features set in resolution. Taking another deep breath, he focused on allowing the oxygen to feed his tired muscles.

Pressing onward, Leo clung to the memory of his brother’s strength, making it his own.

If Don wouldn’t give up, neither could he.

__

* * *

 

Enjoying a sip of his tea, Splinter looked around the room at it’s inhabitants for the third time that hour; with the exception of Donatello, everyone had fallen asleep.

It had been over thirty-six hours since they nearly lost Raphael, and only about three hours ago did the group start to drain. Droopy eyes and slack faces abounded as yawns spread like a disease, reminding them all how little sleep they’d had the past two weeks. Surprisingly, Casey had been the first to go, falling with his head against Raphael’s arm and a light snore cutting the silence. Next had been Leatherhead, who slept sitting against the wall at the back of the room; he’s only allowed himself to close his eyes when Raphael’s vitals looked steady, IV’s had been replaced, and all turtle’s injuries were cleaned and rewrapped. Splinter knew after everything that transpired, it would be impossible to thank his friend for all his help, but he would certainly never stop trying. He was beyond grateful for all Leatherhead had done.

Mikey finally succumbed to sleep about an hour ago, his battered body still fighting an infection had demanded rest, prying the young turtle’s eyes from his brother and forcing them closed. His hand still gripped Raphael’s, unwilling to let go even in sleep. April followed soon after, her cup of coffee clearly not a match for the weariness overtaking her mind. She slept with her head on Casey’s shoulder, taking comfort in his presence, despite the snoring.

As he looked around, it warmed Splinter’s heart to see how loved his son was. It had been apparent from a young age that Raphael felt like the odd one out due to his distinct personality; quick to anger made it difficult to make ‘friends’ with his brothers from time to time, deeply embarrassed by any kind of overt affection made connecting that much harder, and his definitive dislike for touch –unless violent- hadn’t always been easy for his brothers to understand. There had even been several times –once to his face- that his son had admitted to feeling unloved by Splinter himself. It pained the Father to hear his son feel such things, particularly when he was so clearly a necessary part of their family. So cherished, flaws, strengths, and all. While sometimes stubborn and hot-tempered, Raphael was no more difficult than his other sons, and certainly no less loved. If only his second eldest could see how worried they all were for him. How hard they fought to keep him from leaving. How desperately they clung to his life.

Taking another sip of tea, Splinter ran a hand over Raphael’s forehead, lovingly stroking his son as childhood memories danced in front of his mind; playing games with his brothers, protecting them from the monsters under their beds or in the sewers, refusing to let tears fall as he walked off the pain of a scraped knee. He was a unique and fascinating wonder, his Raphael. “Oh, my son.” Splinter couldn’t help the tear that rolled down his cheek, unsure whether it was a remnant of the fear he’d felt from nearly losing his child, or joy at knowing he was still with them.

Taking a moment to study his son’s features, his skin still far too pale for comfort, it struck Splinter how vulnerable his boy looked. It was rare to see Raphael without his natural hardened expression. With how guarded his son had grown over the years, Splinter always cherished the moments when it was just the two of them, and Raphael would drop his facades to let Splinter see his fears and doubts. To let his Father comfort him. Because every time he did, it reminded the Father of how strong of heart his son was.

It was the same with Leonardo.

Despite their constant insistence to the contrary, his two older children were so very similar in many ways.

Once again the Father was assaulted by grief at the thought of his eldest. He wasn’t sure he’d come to terms with having lost yet another loved one, but for now he knew to simply be grateful it wasn’t two. Or all four.

Despite their loss, they had been very lucky. Had Saki not been driven so mad by revenge, he easily could have ended the four ninjas’ lives in that prison. And Splinter would thank his good fortunes every night for not having to face that hell. For having his sons returned to him.

For keeping his reasons to live.

Finally taking his eyes off Raphael, the old rat turned his attention to his middle child. Donatello hadn’t slept since his body forced him to after the surgery, which had been days ago. His every feature was haggard and drooping, clearly begging for respite. But knowing his son, Donatello was likely not to rest until Raphael was well again, and who knew how long that could be…

“It’ll be soon. It has to be soon.”

The mumblings of his son were clearly not meant to be said out loud. Splinter placed his tea beside him on a tray, looking to the tall turtle. “Donatello?” The purple-clad turtle realized his slip and tensed at his father’s voice. “What troubles you, my son?”

Watching as his son’s shoulders shrugged in a heavy sigh, Splinter waited patiently for him to speak. When he finally did it was quiet, as though a confession of guilt. “He’ll wake up, Sensei. I know he will. He wouldn’t fight so hard to live only to be stuck in a coma.”

“Sometimes the choice is out of our hands.” Splinter said, voice equally as quiet. He glanced down at his son’s closed eyes, allowing his sorrow to flit across his features for only a moment.

“I know, Sensei…” But that’s what worried him; the cruel irony of it all that Raph could have fought so long and hard to live, only to never wake up.

Standing from his stool, Splinter walked to his son by the life-support machine and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Your brother will find his way home, that is what matters most. And whether it takes hours or years, we will be here waiting for him.”

Don couldn’t turn to face his father, but the hand on his shoulder was more comforting than he would have expected. “Hai, Sensei.” He knew his father was right, but that didn’t make any of this easier. Especially knowing that the coma was his fault. If he’d just seen that knick in the artery sooner…

“Donatello.” Turning the tall turtle so they were face to face, Splinter held both his son’s arms, squeezing them gently. He could see the guilt still stinging his heart and it pained the Father to watch it slowly eat at his soul. “You saved your brothers’ lives, both Michelangelo and Raphael. Your brilliance with medicine has brought them home.” He saw Don try to avert his gaze to the floor and cupped a hand under his chin to look him eye to eye.

“Despite your doubt, you have proven yourself not only a great ninja, but an even greater brother.” His tone softened as guilt flashed across Don’s face. “I am proud of you, my son. And I am forever grateful to have you home safe.”

It was unexpected praise, and Don couldn’t help but let the warmth of it wash over him. He wrapped his arms around his Father, realizing this was the third time Splinter had stayed his guilt, and enjoyed the comfort it brought. Even if it was only temporary. “Thanks Dad…”

A sudden loud snore from Casey not only interrupted the moment, but woke the remaining inhabitants of the room. April huffed an annoyed sigh as she smacked the sleeping vigilante upside the arm, waking him so suddenly he stood with fists ready to attack whatever assailed him. Leatherhead also was quick to his feet, but relaxed upon seeing there was no danger around.

“I don’t understand how you sleep through that at night, April.” Don jibed, pulling away from his Father to take his seat by Mikey.

“You think I’m a night owl by choice? This guy snores loud enough to register on the Richter scale.”

Casey could only shrug as Don’s face pulled into a light smile. Leatherhead was sure to keep out of the squabble, staring at the heart monitor to check Raph’s vitals.

“At least now we have a way to wake Raph up.” Mikey piped in, trying to move away from the horror that had come upon him at realizing he’d fallen asleep.

“Ha. Ha.” Casey replied, deadpan. “Bunch’a comedians here.”

“Don’t be mad, Case; we’re only concerned for your well being. After all, hell hath no fury like a woman sleep deprived.”

Don was revving up to explain ways in which Casey might cure his snoring problem, when Mikey suddenly gripped his arm tightly. “Mikey, what—“ A glance down at his brother’s hand answered his question, his face now wearing the same look of fearful excitement as the younger’s: Raph was squeezing his hand.

“Raph!?” Apparently he was doing the same to Casey.

“All eyes now focused on the red-banded turtle. His chest stopped rising and, for a moment, Don thought the worst was happening… again.

But then he saw it: Raph’s eyes moved.

A miracle.

“Raphael!” Splinter stood by his son’s head, his stool once again falling over in his haste.

It looked like a bitter fight for consciousness as his eyes twitched repeatedly. Mikey squeezed his brother’s hand between both his own. “Come on bro. You can do it.”

His eyelids settled, no longer moving. No one breathed.

And finally, eyes peeled open to reveal weak pupils slowly blinking at the ceiling. The relief that poured from the room was audible, everyone releasing the breath they’d be holding in their own way. Don didn’t let solace settle long, quickly leaning into his brother’s field of view. “Raph!? Raph, blink if you can hear me!”

A very slow, very pained blink proceeded, and again the others wanted to cheer in anxious joy.

Taking a quick glance at his brother’s vitals, Don saw that, while still very weak by comparison to a healthy rate, they were much more stable than they had been. His mind fought to find the detail he was missing; that one little thing that he’d overlooked that would sneak up and pull his brother away from him once more, or prove this was all a dream.

But none came.

Raph really was awake. Breathing normal.

Alive.

And finally, Don could let the relief swallow him.

Placing his hand on Raph’s shoulder, he looked into his brother’s weak eyes and offered a very small, very tentative smile. “Welcome back, Raph.”

Mikey could have ran laps around the lair he was so excited to see his brother awake. “Dude, don’t EVER do that again. You scared us all to death!”

What almost liked like a smile cracked at Raph’s lips as the elder turtle gave his brother’s hand another squeeze. An attempt to talk only ended with a cough spewing from his chest, fogging the respirator over his mouth.

“Easy, Raph. Take it easy. Don’t try to talk just yet.” Don helped Raph turn his head until the coughing stopped so he wouldn’t choke. He could see confusion in Raph’s face as he weakly looked around the room at all the concerned yet happy faces.

And just as soon as they’d open, his eyes closed again. Mikey looked as though someone just ripped out his heart. “It’s OK, Mikey.” Don tried to quell the panic before it began tearing through his brother’s mind. “He’s just resting.” Waking likely took more effort than Raph’s body could muster, so resting would be good for him. And as far as he –and medical science- knew, there were no cases of people waking from coma’s only to fall back into them immediately after.

His heart was stable, lungs were beginning to function properly, and now his mind was back amongst the living. While he was still weak as a frail branch, it seemed the worst was behind them.

Raph was going to be OK.

Of course they’d have to worry about brain damage from those minutes his heart hadn’t been pumping oxygen, and nerve or tissue damage from the stab wounds, but those were all problems that could be addressed as Raph healed. And right now, Donnie just wanted to focus on the fact that he was alive.

Mikey stared forlornly at his brother’s closed eye. It took everything in him not to shake Raph awake just to she could see those green iris’s again. But, like Don, he was simply trying to remind himself that at least his brother would live.

Don and Mikey wouldn’t be alone.

Taking his seat once again, Mikey rewrapped the blanket around his brother, ensuring comfort, before settling back down and holding his brother’s hand.

They were almost whole again.

Almost.

 

* * *

 

Deep in the unknown, wading through darkness, Leonardo fought to keep himself awake. Fought to keep moving. Weariness plagued his every effort, pulling him down with every step.

But he refused to give in.

Determination set a fire in his mind, strong enough to will himself to continue on this seemingly endless journey.

Determination born of his need to see home once again. To see his friends, Casey and April. To see his Father, Master Splinter.

To see his brothers, alive and well.

Had to find his brothers.


	27. The Ties that Bind

There were few people in the world that would understand how comforting boredom could be, and Mikey never thought he’d be one of them. But sitting and watching his older brother for hours on end, with no close calls or alarming beeps from the heart monitor, was one of the most revitalizing things he’d done in his young life.

With each passing hour of rest he got, Raph seemed to be getting better, as did everyone else. The weight of fear that had nearly dragged them all to the depths of despair was finally lifted. Where once they all choked on oppressive fear and rampant dread, they now breathed deep in comfort and relief. Though despite the odd nap acquired by everyone except Donatello, the toll such swinging emotional extremes had taken on the group was apparent. Everything from their sagging shoulders to the dark circles beneath their eyes screamed the exhaustion brought on by the past two week’s events.

But making it through that hell intact and with his brothers was worth the weariness.

As Mikey once again stared at the steady rise and fall of his brother’s chest, he couldn’t help his mind wandering to memories of the red-banded turtle. Somehow, without being asked, Raph had taken it upon himself to be the shield for the family; always first into a battle and last one out. He was the one the brothers would go to when they had nightmares, or the eerie sounds of the sewers woke them in the middle of the night. And even though he’d act completely uninterested, he was always willing to listen, no matter how stupid he thought the problem was.

Drawn into a memory of when they were little, Mikey could see the time he’d nearly drown in a sewer run-off pipe before Raph came to his rescue. It had been winter so the water was freezing, and Mikey had passed out due to the cold. But Raph somehow managed to fight both the temperature and the current to get him to safety. They were both pretty sick after that incident but Mikey remembered his older brother acting all tough and saying he wasn’t sick. According to Master Splinter it had been pretty serious, but Mikey hadn’t realized it at the time.

Because of Raph.

Because through it all his big brother had been there, telling him it was nothing, that he would get better.

_“I only got sick to prove it was no big deal. Now no more excuses, little brother. Stop being lazy and get better.”_

Raph’s assurance that it was ‘no big deal’ was what gave Mikey the will to heal -placebeto something or other, as Don had called it. Of course it wasn’t until years later that Mikey understood what his brother had done.

Realizing he’d nearly drifted off to sleep again, Mikey blinked his eyes open, rubbing the sleep from them. Don, who stood over by the life support, offered his tired brother a small smile.

But the young turtle’s face turned from tired to completely mortified as soon as he saw Don had removed the breather and was shutting down that part of the machine. “What happened!? Is he—“

Don glanced at the respirator in his hand then quickly turned back to his brother. “No, it’s OK! He’s breathing on his own now, he doesn’t need the machine anymore. It’s a good thing!” Seeing the fear not abate from the younger’s features, Don walked over and took Mikey’s hand, placing it over their sleeping brother’s wrist. “See? Still breathing.”

Feeling the pulse beneath his fingers, the orange-masked turtle relaxed in his chair, gripping Raph’s hand tight. He smiled nervously at Don, shaking his head. “I think this whole thing has made me paranoid.”

“Tell me about it.” Don mumbled, patting Mikey’s shoulder before getting back to his previous task.

“You think he’ll object to me holding his hand for the rest of our lives?”

The mental image made Don chuckle lightly. “Vehemently.” He saw the concern behind his brother’s smile and added. “Don’t worry, Mikey. He’ll be up and scowling about the lair before you know it.”

“Ah, the Raph scowl. Perfected through years of practice and training…” The glint his eyes was a relief for Don to see; Mikey being back to his positive, energetic self was a desperately needed reprieve from the pit of fear they’d all been trapped in recently.

There was only one problem with Raph getting better; Don had no more excuses to ignore his grief. No more problems that stole all his attention from the truth of their loss.

From the fact that Leo was gone. For good.

He knew he’d have to face it eventually, and there’d been several times over the past week and a half that he’d come to grips with pieces of it, but as a whole… he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to have to wake up in a world where Leo hadn’t reminded him to sleep. Wasn’t ready to face the evil of the world without their leader around to help them defeat it. Wasn’t ready to try and live normally with a hole permanently ripped through his heart.

The very idea of training sickened him. The dojo had been Leo’s sanctuary; where he always went to think things through or work out a problem or talk with their Sensei, and where he spent most of his time forging himself into the ‘perfect leader’. To even think of stepping into that area while knowing Leo would never be there again… it made him nauseous.

“Don?” Mikey’s concerned tone had the older turtle shaking those thoughts from his head. They’d just barely recovered from one near loss, it wouldn’t be prudent to bring up the other just yet.

“I’m fine, Mikey. Just… need some coffee.”

“Dude, try eating something. Whether you wanna believe it or not, coffee isn’t a food group.”

“If you say so, Dr. Mikey.” Don added the last bit with a hint of sarcasm, taking one last look at Raph before heading for the door; he really did need some more caffeine.

“D.” Grabbing his arm, Mikey stopped the tall turtle as he walked passed. “Seriously, bro. I know you’re all focused on taking care of everyone else, but you can’t help anyone if you pass out again.” As Don was about to reply with another witty retort, the younger turtle’s words cut him short. “Leo would’ve made you eat and sleep by now…” Mikey must have felt Don’s arm tense at his statement because he was quick to let go. “Just… have some soup or something. For me, OK?”

Glancing at his younger brother, Don was struck by his squared shoulders and straight posture; he looked so much older in that moment. So… mature. “I will if you will.”

They both exchanged a smile and a nod before Don left the room, his features falling the minute he turned. Mikey was clearly feeling Leo’s absence as much as he was, but rather than wallowing in self pity, his baby brother was stepping up to the plate and doing what he could to bear the burden. It made the genius turtle both proud and profoundly guilty.

Mikey was being strong, while Don was being crushed under the weight of this mess.

Some older brother…

“How did you do it, Leo?” And once again, like he would for the rest of his undeserving life, Donnie wished his brother were there.

 

* * *

 

When you’re alone in the dark, thoughts tend to wander: memories of things long past that you’ll never forget, reminders of actions taken and choices made, even the mundane events barely given first thought, let alone a second, can become foremost in your inner monologue.

Leo was experiencing the last one.

Odd little moments of interactions with his siblings hung over his thoughts: fighting for who had to do the dishes, fighting over the remote, fighting to keep them focused and obeying orders on a mission.

Always fighting.

It wasn’t something Leo tried to do –he didn’t enjoy bickering with his brothers- but then, he didn’t necessarily avoid it either. Similarly to Raph, Leo wasn’t usually one to back down from a challenge, especially if it was a challenge of his authority and competence as leader. But the truth was, every doubt his brothers ever voiced was one he fought in himself daily.

Every time it fell on him to make a life or death decision, there was always that voice telling him it was the wrong one; that he was being a bad leader.

That he was going to get a sibling killed.

Master Splinter taught him to trust himself in such times, to not allow the doubt to fester and cloud his thoughts.

But it was that same doubt that he struggled with now, and it was powerful. So very powerful. There was no way of knowing how long he’d been wandering around these dark sewers, but by his guess it had been over a day. And still, he’d come no closer to finding any sense of where he was or how to find home. The best bit of luck to come from his wanderings was discovering a half eaten granola bar being devoured by some roaches, which he managed to pry away. It hadn’t been much, but it was food. The wrapper was also written in English –from what little he could discern in the dark- so that boded well for his hope that he was near Manhattan.

But aside from that dash of good fortune, he’d been in a constant dispute between “what’s the point in continuing?” and “there’s no way I can give up”. Doubt was a cunning enemy, always ready to strip away his ambitions at even the slightest falter of hope.

But he’d battled doubt his entire life, he wasn’t about to give in to it now.

Aside from the obvious fear of not finding home, Leo’s next greatest adversary was fatigue. He’d worked through weariness before- by this point that was practically half his daily life- but this was something different. This wasn’t just a long day of training, or several nights of fighting Foot to no end. This was staying awake for what had to be nearly a week, through physical and emotion torture he’d never experienced before. And never cared to again.

This was true exhaustion. This was being so tired his eyes would close and periodically refuse to open. So tired that he could feel every muscle crying out for rest, even when he wasn’t moving. It was a constant battle to keep his mind focused and not meandering until he fell to unconsciousness without realizing it.

True exhaustion.

And despite his motivation to keep moving until he got home, it had become abundantly clear that home may be much father away than he’d hoped.

He’d need to sleep eventually.

It wasn’t fear of being unconscious in unknown territory that made him stubbornly refuse to rest, it was his injuries. Despite working up a sweat through his constant moving, his body was still freezing cold. His muscles swore vengeance for being pushed past their limits for so long, and his arm still continued to trickle blood. Should he fall asleep now, it was far too likely he would never wake again.

And while he’d managed to come back after passing out the last time, there was no way to tell if he could do that again. Particularly if he had to contend with those shadows once more… that ominous, creeping dark which reached for him with such a gentle touch that he almost gave into it.

Almost wanted it to take him.

A firm shake of his head had Leo focusing his mind on the task of moving once more, deciding that sleep could wait. If he didn’t find home soon he’d have to rest, he understood that. But for now he still had strength to keep going, so he would.

If he found home, he would sleep for a year.

When he found home.

A hiss of pain parted his lips as he clutch at the ribs poking his lungs, stealing the oxygen he was trying to feed his body with. A raspy pant was all he could manage as he gave in, leaning his shell against the wall once more. By his guess, he’d been walking for over a day, and while breaks had been frequent, they weren’t enough. How on earth he hadn’t run into any lights or subways or ladders of any kind, baffled him. It was possible he’d passed a ladder without being able to see it, but if he were in Manhattan he certainly would have come across a station by now.

Unless he was walking in circles.

A sudden cough shook his body, burning pain through his right side. He breathed though it, trying to ignore how terrible his wheezing sounded.

Circles or not, forward was the only way he could go that made any kind of sense.

Forward it was.

 

* * *

 

“I am sorry that the timing is inconvenient, but—“

“No, my friend. You have done more than enough.” Splinter placed a hand on Leatherhead’s shoulder. “I can never thank you for all you have done for my children.” The words seemed so pathetic compared to the truth behind them. “If there is ever anything we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask.”

Leatherhead raised a hand, shaking his head. “Thanks are not necessary, Master Splinter.” He glanced towards the med bay with a forlorning in his eyes as images of all the turtle’s had done for him –meant to him- flashed through his mind. “Your family is… special to me. I owe them my life.” The images paused on one of Leonardo, sending Leatherhead’s gaze immediately to the floor . ”I only wish I could have found them sooner. Perhaps…” Perhaps he could have saved the fourth brother.

“Wakarimasu.” Splinter whispered solemnly. “You did all you could.”

Taking a deep breath to cleanse the grief from his eyes, Leatherhead handed Splinter a piece of paper. “Our radio frequency, should you need to contact me. If anything changes…”

“I will be sure to let you know.” The old rat bowed his head in respect. “Arigatou Gosaimasu… for everything.”

The gesture was returned as Leatherhead took one last glance at his friend before turning to head for the surface. After only a few steps, he hesitated, talking somberly over his shoulder. “…They asked for him. Something to do with Karai’s last project before she disappeared.” The pause as Leatherhead quietly breathed through his sorrow was not missed by Splinter. “I hadn’t the heart to tell them.”

Lowering his eyes as a pang of grief struck his heart, the old rat nodded, gripping his cane tighter as he kept his voice steady. “It will take time. Loss is never a short visitor… but we will persevere. As he would want.”

The alligator nodded, letting his friends words sink in before continue towards the exit. Splinter watched him leave, wishing for a way to fully convey his gratitude, but none presented itself. Closing his eyes as he steadied the heavy falter of his heart, the Father pictured his eldest son’s face. It was impossible now, but he knew one day he would see past the pain to feel the joy his son’s image once held. Someday.

“Already your presence is missed, my son.”

But mourning could wait a while longer. His other children were still healing, and until they were back on their feet, he would not allow himself to fall to despair.

That in mind, Splinter straightened his back, walking tall as he entered the med lab and took his seat by Raphael. It lifted his spirits to see his son breathing without the aid of a machine, as did watching the color slowly return to his skin.

When this was all over, Splinter was sure Donatello would find a scientific explanation as to how this was all possible, but for now, it was simply a miracle the Father would be grateful for as long as he lived.

“How’s he doing, Don?” Splinter heard Casey ask as his genius son once again inspected the heart monitor.

“Vitals are rising, breathing is almost normal, and pulse is getting stronger. He still has a long road ahead of him, but…” He turned to Casey who gave him a ‘get to the point’ look. “He’s doing much better.” Recovering at last.

“’Bout damn time.” Taking a secret breath of relief, Casey leaned back in his chair, draping his arm around April’s sleeping shoulders.

Mikey noticed Sensei walk back into the room without their scientist friend in tow. “Where’s LH?”

“His presence was required with the Mutanimals. He will return when he can.” Splinter explained, keeping his voice down so as not to wake April. It was about time she found some rest for her tired mind.

“No doubt they’ve been workin’ overtime with you dudes outta commission.” Casey punched a fist into his palm, trying to calm his jealousy. “Man, I can’t wait to get back out there, poudin’ heads and kickin’ major—“

“Guys!” Mikey was suddenly out of his chair, eyes wide as he looked to the turtle on the table.

Raph was waking up again.

 

* * *

 

Again with the darkness. No more. He couldn’t fight anymore. No more energy to—

Wait. This was different. This wasn’t the void.

This wasn’t death.

Voices. More images? More memories?

No. Again, it was different. Not memories… people were talking around him. Beside him. He could feel their presence like the blanket keeping him warm.

Someone was holding his hand.

Couldn’t focus. Too tired. And the darkness… no the void. The void was gone. He was safe, he could feel it. The voices around him were familiar- focus on the voices.

He was… home. They’d made it home.

Mikey, Donnie— were they here? Safe? He vaguely remembered seeing them, but couldn’t be sure if that was real or not.

His eyes were closed… he was sleeping? Hence the darkness. So then… he could wake up?

Too tired.

No, come on. Don’t just quit like that. Open your eyes, Raph.

Pain. Everything hurt. Maybe this was a bad idea… No, he needed to wake up. Squeezing the hand holding his for support, he tried once more to open his eyes.

Finally, his eyes cracked open. Light rushed in, attacking his pupils with angry ferocity. Slowly he blinked away the sting, trying to focus his vision. He heard Donnie but couldn’t make out the words.

A hand to his forehead helped him focus, finally allowing his mind to clear.

Don stood over him, eyes darting back forth from him to something beside the bed, worry apparent in his every feature. Mikey was next to him, eyes looking red and blood shot like he hadn’t slept in a week. “Hey bro… how’re ya feeling?” There was a sadness in his voice that Raph couldn’t name, but he was sure it didn’t belong.

It took another moment before he realized the question had been aimed at him and he blinked as his mind fought to remember how to speak. It only ended in a mild cough instead of words.

“It’s OK, you don’t have to talk yet.” Don’s assurance was also laced with concern that bothered the red-banded turtle. What exactly had happened? How hurt was he?

His eyes fell on his brothers, studying their features. Neither looked like a picture of health: Mikey’s face was sunken and thin like he hadn’t been eating, and Don’s entire body screamed exhausted. Both were covered in bandages, which Raph could only hope meant they were healing up just fine.

“Dude, you have no idea how good it is to see you awake.” Again, there was that same sadness that Raph hated hearing in his baby brother’s tone. Did he stop breathing or something? Why did thy both look so terrified?

Curiosity getting the better of him, Raph attempted to speak once again, but his throat felt like a giant dust ball. Thankfully Splinter was a mind reader. “Some water.” He’d barely gotten the words from his mouth before someone thrust a cup in his hand. “Drink, my son.” His father held his head up as he sipped the liquid, feeling it clear the dryness of his throat. After several greedy gulps of water and a slight choke from drinking too fast, Raph finally had the strength to voice his concern.

He looked from one brother to the other, taking note of the bandages around their wrists where the cuffs had been. Well, that hadn’t all been a nightmare then. “You… OK?” His voice was so weak and grated, he didn’t recognize it as his own.

His brothers seemed to find his question humorous, both smiling sadly and shaking their heads. “We’re fine, dude.” Mikey’s voice was almost choked and the elder turtle couldn’t understand what was making them so emotional.

“How about you, how do you feel?”

Doctor Donnie on the case once again. Raph blinked slowly, surprised at how much effort it took to talk. “…Tired.” He admitted, seeing no reason to lie.

“Rest, my son.” The voice calmed Raph’s nerves immediately and he finally realized whose it was. Glancing up as much as his muscles would allow, he saw Splinter standing with the same fear hiding in his eyes.

“Dad…” He breathed the name like a sigh of relief.

“Raphael.” The hand that stroked his head was his Father’s; the picture was getting clearer now. The only thing he still didn’t understand was the worry in everyone’s faces.

Ignoring the stinging of his eyes, Raph attempted to peer around the room once more. Catching sight of the only two faces he had yet to see, Raph let his gaze settle on the two humans on his left. The minute he saw Casey’s face, the urge to say something snarky rose up, but even the thought of it made him tired. So Raph opted for something simpler. “Bonehead.” The attempted smirk that followed was pitiful by all standards, but Casey seemed to get the point.

He grinned wide, stepping closer to the table. “After two weeks of looking out for your sorry ass, that’s the best you can come up with?” Even to Raph’s tired eyes it was easy to see the relief on his friend’s face. He stepped forward again and clasped Raph’s hand as he would for an arm-wrestle. “It’s good to have you back.” Again, the emotion in his words was unmistakable, despite Casey’s obvious attempt to hide it behind his usual sarcasm. Raph tried at a weak squeeze of his hand in return, but was only annoyed at how pathetic it was.

He noticed April standing by Casey, keeping her eyes to the floor. Not saying a word. She had guilt written all over her and Raph was at a loss for what it could be from. Between her look of remorse and the unease leaping across everyone’s faces, something was definitely up.

What had happened? They were all home safe, why would everyone be—

And then it hit him like a punch in the gut; Leonardo. The scene of his older brother throwing himself to the wolves so they could escape leapt to the forefront of his mind and he had to close his eyes to the blunt emotional force it carried.

Mikey squeezed his hand harder as soon as his lids closed, probably thinking he was passing out again. And as much as Raph wanted to calm him, talking was far too much effort. He did manage to croak one word that tensed everyone in the room. “…Leo?”

Donnie’s shoulders hitched as his gaze fell and that was all the confirmation Raph needed. Leo was gone. A part of him had hoped it was all a dream; something concocted in his nightmares to scare him from finding home. But he knew it wasn’t… he knew it was real.

_“Don’t quit, Raph. Find home.”_

He’d seen him there in that dark pit, that place where death is all around, enticing you with every breath. But if Leo was there, couldn’t that mean he was…

Ah, this was all too much. His head was throbbing as his body threatened to pull him back to unconsciousness once more, and Raph was tempted to let it. Anything to escape this gnawing at his heart.

“We all mourn your brother’s loss, Raphael.” A sentence that barely began to describe what they all felt for Leonardo. “But right now you must focus on recovering. Let your body heal. When you are well again, we will honor your brother’s sacrifice so that our spirits may begin to mend.”

It was odd hearing that twinge of anguish in Splinter’s voice; he was normally so careful to conceal such things. But it only drove the loss home… if Splinter felt Leo’s absence, then he was really gone. Whatever that dream had shown him must have been another vision or memory or trick of some kind.

Leonardo was dead.

Seeing Mikey try to wipe away a tear without being noticed only made Raph’s heart ache more. He hated seeing Mikey cry… even when it was crocodile tears from the repercussions of pranking his brothers. Giving the younger turtle’s hand a light squeeze, Raph blinked away the grief. His brothers had been going through enough emotional turmoil without adding his to the list.

Taking a shaky breath, he closed his eyes once more, feeling sleep encroach on his thoughts. Again, he felt Mikey grip him tighter. “Raph?” The kid’s voice was trembling…

“S’Ok.” He wheezed, glancing from Mikey to Don as he felt his eyes getting heavier. “Tired…” Even at a glance he could see the fear in his youngest brother’s face, making Raph wonder –again- exactly what had been going on while he was out.

Don must have seen their brother’s worry too, placing a hand on the young turtle’s shoulders. “It’s OK, it’s just sleep Mikey. He’ll be alright.”

That didn’t seem to help calm his nerves, so Raph fought the weariness to add his own words of comfort. “Ain’t… goin’… nowhere…” Man, was it was ever a marathon to catch enough breath to speak. But it was worth it; Mikey’s features softened, that signature smile of his finally spreading across his face.

“Turtle’s honor?” He asked sarcastically, earning a small smile from Raph.

Feeling his Father’s hand to his head once more, Raph glanced up with weary eyes. “Rest my son. We will be here when you wake.”

And that was the most comforting thought Raph had heard in an eternity. They were home. They’d made it home.

He could finally rest…

 

* * *

 

Leo’s bloodshot eyes tried once more to close on him. Every step was a battle, not only to fight the pain, but to keep himself conscious. A losing battle. Each time his eyes closed –even if only to blink- Leo found it harder and harder to force them open again.

Sleep was inevitable, he had to rest eventually. At this point, he was practically the definition of dead on his feet. But if he let himself nap, he couldn’t be certain he’d wake up…

What if the darkness was too strong this time?

Picturing his brother’s pained faces after their torment at Shredder’s hand brought a wave of guilt crashing through his system. Leo closed his eyes. Had to get home and make sure they were alright.

Slowly lowering himself to the floor with his shell against the wall, Leo relished the opportunity to let his feet rest. His body was throbbing with aches and pains everywhere, all shouting their disapproval at how hard he’d been pushing them.

So tired.

So much for waiting till he got home to sleep. With his eyes closed, he felt the pull of weariness dragging him under. He had to sleep, he knew that, but again there was that fear:

What if he didn’t wake?

This time another thought accompanied that was all the more disturbing: was it all that terrible if he remained sleeping? Forever?

No, don’t do that Leo. Don’t sugar coat it. That would be giving up. That would be letting go.

That would be dying.

Doubt took it’s opportunity to bring forth another thought: would death really be all that bad?

Leo sighed. If sleep took him, he couldn’t say it wasn’t deserved. Despite his best efforts, thoughts of his uselessness to the team began to plague him, dragging his feet all the more.

Perhaps it would be best for him to just… let go.

His family didn’t need him, did they?

_“So what were you gonna do?”_

_Raph had his arms crossed in front of his chest as he leaned against the doorframe to the dojo, that confrontational look in his eyes that Leo knew all too well. “About what?”_

_“Donnie.” Raph grumbled, glaring at his brother while he practiced his katas. “He said while he was panicking, holding onto that rope for dear life, that you promised he was gonna be OK.”_

_Leo didn’t understand the look on his brother’s face that was demanding he elaborate. “And? We made it back, didn’t we? Splinter said Donnie’s shoulder’ll heal in a few weeks, so I kept my—“_

_“So what were you gonna do, Leo?”_

_Why did he sound so angry? “Raph, just tell me what you’re upset about so I know why we’re arguing.“_

_“Don said you promised_ he _would make it out. Not both of you, just_ him _.”_

_Leo tried to hide the surprise he felt at his brother catching that detail from Donnie’s quick retelling of their adventure. “I was trying to calm him down. What’s your poi—“_

_“You were gonna let go of the rope, weren’t you?”_

_Leo paused in the middle of a kata to glance at his younger brother. “…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”_

_The younger turtle growled, standing tall with his shoulders squared in his it’s-about-to-get-loud-in-here stance. “If Don couldn’t think of a way out, you were gonna let go of the rope so he could pull himself back up.”_

_Since when was his hot-headed brother so observant? Leo sighed, dropping his kata and facing Raph’s furious eyes. “If it was the only option, yes. I considered it.” It was as if he could see steam shooting from his brother’s ears; his face was twisted in outrage and he glared at Leo, puffing like a bull ready to charge._

_And then, without a word, he turned to leave. Leo was caught off guard by the sudden retreat. He knew he should let it go, but he couldn’t help his curiosity. “What’s your problem, Raph? Why does it matter?”_

_That set him off._

_Turning back around, his voice exploded in rage. “Why does it matter!? You nearly let yourself fall to a watery grave and you’re askin’ me why it matters!?” He moved in close, violently jabbing his finger at Leo’s face. “You don’t get it! You never do! You pull stupid crap like that all the time and don’t think twice about how it affects everyone around you! That’s why you don’t make a good team leader, Leo, because you only ever think about yourself!!”_

_Ouch. The older turtle removed his brother’s accusing finger from his face with a swipe of his hand, glaring defiantly. “What are you talking about!? I was trying to save Donnie!”_

_“And what would happen after your heroic sacrifice? Don would survive, sure, but he’d have to come home and tell Master Splinter that he got his brother killed over a stupid toy! How do you think he’d handle that? You know how Donnie is- that guilt would eat him alive for the rest of his life!”_

_“At least he’d be alive!”_

_“And what about Sensei? How would your sacrifice affect him? Or Mikey? Or me!? You think any of us would be OK with you just suddenly being gone like that?”_

_Leo stood his ground, refusing to back down from his brother’s anger. “I was trying to keep our little brother safe! That’s all! I didn’t have time to think about—“_

_“Exactly! You didn’t think! Because if you did, you’d realize that sacrificing yourself to save others is an incredibly STUPID idea! Sure Don would be alive, but he’d hate himself for it, Mikey would be afraid any time any of us left his sight, and Master Splinter would probably never let us leave the lair again!” Raph moved ever closer to shout in his brother’s face. “A leader would find a better way!”_

_Leo’s hands tightened to fists as he glared at his brother. “Is that what this is about? Being leader? Look Raph, it’s not my fault Sensei picked me! If you want it so bad—“_

_A loud, growling sigh interrupted Leo as Raph swept his hands out in an exasperated gesture. “UGH! You just don’t get it!! This has nothing to do with that, you idiot!”_

_Leo was getting impatient. “Then what is this about!? Don and I made it home fine, what’s—“_

_“I DON’T WANNA LOSE YOU!”_

_It was a moment frozen in time as Leo stared wide-eyed at his younger brother. Raph could only glare, clearly embarrassed by what he’d said, but determined to go with it anyway. He huffed out his anger, holding Leo’s gaze with fiery eyes. “You do this every time, Leo! Every time something goes wrong on a mission or while we’re out scoutin’ the city, your first instinct is to just sacrifice yourself so we can walk away. And it pisses us off every time! Every. Damn. Time!”_

_The sudden seriousness of his brother’s tone only served to take Leo further off guard. He stood staring at Raph’s green eyes, alight with passionate anger, listening to the emotions he knew his brother felt but never heard him speak of._

_“I know you only do it to keep us safe, but you gotta find a better solution.” Raph’s features hardened to spite the worry in his eyes. “You’re our brother, Leo. And believe it or not, we don’t wanna see you get hurt any more than you wanna see it happen to us.”_

_This was… what was happening here? Raph was being so… mature. And logical. Leo almost couldn’t think of a way to reply; normally this sort of argument would have devolved into a fist fight by now. “I’m the leader Raph. It’s my job to keep you guys safe.”_

_“I get that!” Raph said gruffly, clearly trying to get his anger under control. “But find a better way. Unless you want all of us following your lead and givin’ up our lives at the first sign of trouble.”_

_As much as Leo wanted to argue, he couldn’t. Raph had a point. …A good one, at that. And while he would never think twice about going to extremes to keep his brothers safe, perhaps he needed to reevaluate how he approached life or death scenarios. In his defense, however, he’d only been leading the team for a few months… he was still learning. But who’d have thought he’d be taught a lesson by Raph of all people? “…I’ll work on it.”_

_“Good.” Raph huffed as he stepped closer with a fist raised. “’Cause if you so much as think about sacrificing yourself like that again, I’ll clock you so hard it’ll make your shell rattle for a week.”_

_While the threat didn’t worry Leo in the slightest, the honest fear that flashed through his brother’s eyes did. He’d really been worried about them… “Hey Raph,” He called, catching the younger turtle before he left the dojo. “I’m… uh… thanks.” He was about to apologize, but that didn’t seem right. He wasn’t sorry for his actions, not this time at least. But he did appreciate that Raph cared enough to say something, particularly knowing the red-banded ninja wasn’t one for such displays of affection. “For your honesty.”_

_Raph kept his shell to his brother, his shoulders visibly drooping a moment as his voice softened to a tone Leo hadn’t heard from the younger turtle in a long time. “…We need you, bro. I don’t know what we’d do if…” And just like that, the gentleness left as Raph turned to glare at his elder one more time. “If you tell Don or Mikey I said any of this, I’ll knock ya into next Tuesday!”_

_Leo raised his hands in surrender, watching his brother leave. Reamed out and complimented by his younger sibling in the same argument, and not a single fist thrown through it all. Maybe they really were growing up._

_Smiling to himself, Leo repeated his brother’s words in his head and took them to heart. “…Thanks Raph.”_

It was strange thinking back to those days; back when they’d first started protecting New York City. Back when he was still learning to be leader. Apparently not much had changed.

But the memory brought a familiar feeling that completely took over Leo’s mind; his bond with his brothers. For so many years they were all each other had, and while circumstances had driven them apart in many ways, that closeness would always be a part of them.

If any of his brothers were in his situation, he would have reamed them out for hours for even thinking they deserved to die alone in the dark. For thinking the family didn’t need them or life would be better without them.

And despite what fear, guilt, and doubt told him, he knew in his heart they felt the exact same way about him. Raph probably would have kicked his shell for thinking like this… the hot-head.

Smiling to himself, Leo settled so he was as comfortable as possible against the wall. He couldn’t fight sleep any longer, but he could still fight death. Whatever darkness awaited him in his dreams, he would war against as long as he could.

He would wake. He would find home.

He had to.

 

* * *

 

Raph had rested intermittently over the night, sleeping for several hours, waking for brief moments of clarity, before plummeting back into his dreams. Most times when he woke he was unable to open his eyes, so he would simply listen to the others around him, drawing relief from hearing his being home hadn’t been a dream.

The last time he’d been able to peek his eyes open, he saw Sensei sitting behind his head, clutching his cane and looking deep into meditation (or at least Raph assumed it was meditation, because who could sleep in that position). Don was apparently uncomfortable sitting still, mumbling to himself as he checked the machine beside the bed, checked Raph’s temperature and pulse, adjusted the blankets so they were keeping him warm and generally fidgeting with anything in reach, as Don usually did when he was trying to keep his mind off something. He was clearly still worried.

Late into the night, after Don left to get coffee (or so Raph assumed judging by the faint smell wafting through the door) Mikey had finally drifted off to sleep, gripping his brother’s hand, even in unconsciousness. With Mikey on his left, Sensei by his head, Don on his right, and April and Casey asleep on each other down at the other end of the table, Raph felt entirely surrounded by family.

And took great comfort in it. He’d honestly began to think he wouldn’t make it home, so finally feeling his family around him and knowing it wasn’t a trick of the mind or a vision of his past… it was heartening.

“You’re awake.” Don noted happily, walking back into the room with a full cup of coffee. He did a quick check of Raph’s vitals, content with what he read, and sat down in his usual spot by Raph’s injured shoulder. “How’re you feeling?”

Raph blinked, trying to clear away the cobwebs. “Been… better.” He said honestly; they all look like they’d seen better days. Coughing away the dust in his throat, Raph wheezed, trying to talk again. “You?”

That was the second time Don smirked at being asked how he was, and Raph didn’t get the humor.

“I’m fine. I’m not the one hooked up to a heart monitor.” He saw his brother’s gaze drift up to the bandage covering his burn. “It’s healing, same as Mikey’s. We’ll probably walk away with some nasty scars, but considering all we went through…” Don didn’t finish, not wanting to use the term ‘lucky’ to describe their situation.

Not when they were minus a brother.

But his assurance seemed to put Raph at ease, if only slightly. Another cough crawling from his brother’s throat made Don stand from his chair to check his injuries. He gently felt through the bandages on Raph’s chest and arms to be sure the stitches were all in place. Raph tried not to wince, but his body was so sore that even Donnie’s gentle touch sent it into fits. He noticed Don paused and was about to assure him he could handle the pain when he saw why his brother had stopped.

Staring at the bandages on Raph’s shoulder, a look of morbid horror crossed the younger’s face before he shook it away, continuing his task.

Whatever happened while he was out had rattled his genius brother, and Raph wasn’t sure he wanted to know why. He inhaled slowly, readying to speak again. “So Doc… will I live?” He’d meant it as a means of breaking the tension in the air, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. Raph saw that same look of fear pass through Don’s face again and couldn’t ignore it. “…You OK?”

A slight nod was all he got in response as Don reached for another sip of coffee, sitting back in his chair with a fickle calm in his features. Raph wasn’t settled with that. He attempted to sit up, seeking a less vulnerable position while he pried his brother for information, but apparently his body didn’t like the idea. Nor did Don. He’d barely got his neck off the pillow when the pain hit and his younger brother placed a hand on his left shoulder, gently holding him still.

“You shouldn’t be moving yet, Raph. You could pull your stitches.”

The extent of his injuries was still unknown to him, but Raph got the feeling he was going to be stuck in this bed for a while. Perfect. Sighing in defeat, the red-banded turtle glanced at his brother who’s eyes had settled on his injured shoulder again, that same panic skittering behind his detached doctor façade. But before he had the chance to remind his voice how to function, Don spoke first.

“I’m...” He paused, taking a breath to steady himself. “Raph, I want to apologize.”

That wasn’t what the elder was expecting. He cocked his head slightly toward the tall turtle as he continued.

“I know we don’t always get along and we’re probably not as close as we should be. But I want you to know how much you mean—… that you’re—…” He fumbled for the right words, finally letting out a protracted sigh before trying another approach. “I meant what I said in the prison; you inspire me. Your passion, your strength, your zeal for protecting others -including us- makes you a person I truly look up to.” He rubbed the back of his neck idly, shame evident in his eyes. “And I know I don’t say it enough because I’m too distracted by one thing or another, but… I love you, Raph.” Finally looking his brother in the eyes, Don did everything he could to show how sincere he was. “I love you and I need you in my life, even if it’s only to fight over the best way to amp up an engine.”

Where did this come from all of a sudden? Normally such gushy sentiment was sure to send Raph walking away or brushing it off because it made him feel awkward.

But not this time.

Don’s words washed over him, overpowering the pain and fatigue to reach his heart with fervor, sinking deep until they permeated his every thought. He felt a warmth come over his body and, for once not of embarrassment, but comfort. Pure comfort. He could see in Don’s eyes how wholly he meant those words and they were like sunlight to a tree; energizing, warm, and nourishing.

Raph wished he had a way to reply. Some words –any words- that would reciprocate the affection he felt. But he had none; Raph had never been very good with words like that…

Don apparently didn’t expect a reply, standing to check the heart monitor and drape a blanket over Mikey’s shell. He placed a tender hand on their baby brother’s forehead, checking for fever once more, and breathing a sigh of relief to feel it gone. “He finally fall asleep?”

It took a minute for Raph to register Don was talking to him, still locked in his mind trying to find a way back from his brother’s emotional land-mine. He finally nodded, remembering he’d heard something about the kid volunteering to be on ‘water duty’, which he assumed meant helping Raph with the cup that now rested on a tray to his left, but he’d been too tired to open his eyes at the time.

“Good. He needs the rest.” And he wasn’t the only one. Don had been living on coffee and a few hours sleep for the past six days straight; if he didn’t get some actual rest soon, his body was going to revolt. But he knew his limits and he hadn’t reached them yet. Surprisingly, this wasn’t the longest stretch of insomnia he’d been through.

Watching Raph grimace through another small cough, Don picked up his water glass to go refill it. He’d barely made it five steps to the door before his brother stopped him with that weak voice of his.

“You too…” His throat felt like sandpaper scraping his larynx, but he needed to say this. “My bike… the Shellraiser’s engine… my phone… I knew how to fix them. I just… wanted an excuse… to hang out… with you.” Because asking his siblings to ‘hang out’ with no reason behind it spoke too much to how desperately he cared about them. So he would make up a reason: with Don it was fixing his bike, with Mikey it was beating him at video games, and with Leo it was sparring.

Don was frozen in place by his brother’s confession. It was only when Raph started to cough more violently that the tall turtle moved again, coming to his brother’s side and helping him drink the last sip of water left in the glass. “You shouldn’t talk so much, your lungs are still—“

“I forget… to say it, too.” And even after all they’d been through, Raph still couldn’t bring himself to say it outright; those three little words that he felt for his family so strongly, but could never speak aloud. Thankfully, Don seemed to get his point, allowing a small smile to cross his lips.

A light squeeze of his shoulder was all Don offered before heading for the door again. He was thankful for an excuse to leave the room so he could compose himself; Raph may not have said it directly, but his actions spoke much louder than his words ever could. Hearing his brother actually enjoyed spending time with him was an emotional blow of the best kind. And getting to tell Raph all the things he regretted he hadn’t was beyond relieving; especially considering how close he’d come to missing his chance.

Like he had with Leo.

“I’m glad you’re back, Raph.” He called quietly over his shoulder before stepping through the door.

Words could not even describe.

Alone with his thoughts for the first time in ages, Raph felt an unexpected grin tug at his lips; his brother’s words had hooked into his heart, leaving Raph with the lingering warmth of being part of such an amazing family. Going through all that hell had been worth it to come out the other side with his siblings in tact and stronger than ever.

…Almost in tact.

A sudden stab of anguish stole the warmth he’d been clinging to, and Raph could only snap his eyes shut to the pain of it. He hadn’t had much of a chance to digest it yet… the idea of Leo being gone. He suddenly didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts anymore…

Damn him. Damn that lying asshole for breaking his promise. For not thinking of a better way. For making them live without him.

Damn him.

For getting them home. For breaking them free. For doing exactly as Raph knew he would…

Being a good leader.

Being Leo.

“…you dumbass…”

He missed him already.


	28. Homecoming

It was like being buried alive under boulders too heavy to lift, and knowing the only way out was waiting for an unlikely miracle. The mind both accepts and hopes; accepts escape is impossible and hopes that somehow it could happen.

And while Leo’s mind still hoped, his body was caving. Every step through the endless dark only added another boulder atop his already quaking shoulders. And yet even there, in the depths of doubt, his family moved him forward. Memories and reminders of his end goal kept him trudging on, despite the burden. He would continue until he found home or his body collapsed.

The latter seeming more likely.

When he woke from his slumber, Leo had no idea how much time had passed -could have been minutes or days for all he knew- but it was long enough to allow soreness to grip his muscles all the more. It had been anything but a restful sleep. The past week’s events blanketed his dreams with their fear and guilt, before tempting him once again with the allure of eternal rest. Death was patient. Clever. It knew how to charm with such skill, it could entice any victim.

Fortunately, Leo was never alone. Even in his nightmares he could feel his brothers pulling for him, lending him whatever strength they had. At one point, he could have sworn he heard Master Splinter call to him; not just a dream, but his Sensei’s spirit trying to reach him. It was brief, distant, and likely a guile concocted by Death to lure him to the eternal void, but still strangely comforting.

Perhaps he was losing his mind?

Not that it mattered. Hallucination, death waltz, or painful reality, the only way to go was forward, and Leo was resolved to do so until Death could no longer be held at bay.

Hunger, dehydration, and pain were constant companions, reminding him every step was one more closer to the grave. His stomach churned in agonizing knots, his mouth too dry to even salivate, and his body aching and blistered from overuse, it was nothing but sheer determination that kept him on his feet. His arm had gone numb long ago, and his feet were beginning to follow suit. He was freezing to the bone, shivering often, and yet sweating from the overexertion of his continued movement. He wouldn’t be surprised to find his injuries were infected, and with how weak and malnourished his body was, there wouldn’t be much of a fight from his immune system.

Without food, water, and medical treatment –not to mention at least an entire day of rest- Leo knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. Determination or not, at some point his body would shut down and he’d be left lying on the floor, waiting for hunger or drought to call for Death to claim him. Not a scenario he liked to entertain, but he was a pragmatist through and through, and he always preferred to be prepared for the worst.

Hours passed slowly, crawling onward almost as weakly as Leo himself. In his attempts to focus his thoughts anywhere but the pain, his mind wandered in aimless circles, tormenting him with thoughts of home. His desire to get back to the lair had turned into a dire journey for his bed so he could collapse into the pillows and never move again. If it weren’t for his family, he would have given himself over to the darkness of his dreams, simply to escape the misery of this unending tunnel.

But at the forefront of his mind was his brothers. Always. Questions about their safety that had once been satiated with waiting till home was in reach for the answers, now clawed at his consciousness without patience or mercy.

It was maddening. Like an itch that was just out of reach to scratch.

He had to know if they were safe.

If he could believe his subconscious, they were home, as Raphael had said. But for that to be true, his red-banded brother would also have had to be dragged into that pit of death, and Leo was in no way willing to accept that.

His mind was thinking in circles. Fear for his family’s safety was distracting him from what he was doing. He needed to focus on the here and now, on how to get home, not what he would find when he arrived.

Focus. Clear the mind.

Still no signs of the outside world; no garbage piles, no emergency exit lights, nothing. He must be deep. If he were anywhere near Manhattan –which he chose to believe was the case- he’d have at least heard a train by now, if not come across some tracks. He could only assume that meant he was deeper underground than he’d thought. But still he’d seen no ladders, stairs, or any other means of traversing toward the surface.

Which meant the only thing he could do was continue onwards. Doubt clawed at his heart, reminding him how futile his efforts had been thus far, but Leo pushed it aside with determination.

Keep moving. Forward. Find—

A light. There was a light! Faint, thin, and oh so distant. But there! His first thought was that he’d somehow been thrown back into the void and the light was only of his dreams. But real or imaginary, it was hope. And everything in him was desperate to reach it. Even if it was nothing more than an emergency light, it was something to ward off the darkness and it’s doubt. He picked up his pace as best as he could, careful not to trip over his own feet in his haste, lest he fall and be unable to pull himself up.

As he drew closer and the light grew brighter, his eyes burned trying to adjust. Blinking through the pain, he was distracted and nearly walked right off the edge of his path. Fortunately he still had some wits about him and was able to stop in time, taking stock of his position:

The tunnel had ended abruptly, opening onto a large circular pit, likely a drop shaft towards a water treatment facility, seemingly endless towards the bottom. Above him it continued, reaching quite high before one side spilled open. He was too deep to see where it led, but there was light and that was all that mattered. And on the farthest end of the pit, just underneath the light, a ladder sat perched on the wall, climbing all the way up.

His ticket out. At last.

 

* * *

 

For one who had spent so many years training himself to listen to his instincts, it was an odd thing not being able to trust them. Yet for as desperately as Splinter wished to believe it, the tug on his heart that said his eldest was alive couldn’t be true. It tore his soul apart every time he thought it, but his son was dead. He’d felt him go. His brothers had confirmed it happened.

This was fact.

But no matter how he tried to convince himself as such, the feeling would not leave him in peace.

He knew it couldn’t be true, that it was nothing more than the desperate desires of an emotionally drawn father trying to keep his soul from shattering. And yet… there it was. That familiar pull of his eldest son’s spirit reaching for him. Perhaps it was remnants of Leonardo’s spirit attempting to comfort his broken heart? Or perhaps he hadn’t slept in nearly two weeks and his mind was playing tricks on him.

Whatever the case, it was beyond unsettling. Every time he tried to focus on the world around him, that feeling forced itself before him, stealing his attention and breath in one fell swoop. And knowing it impossible to be true made it fodder for Splinter’s ever burning grief. What a cruel trick for his senses to play.

Glancing around the room, Splinter took stock of those present. Raphael had fallen back into slumber, as had most other inhabitants of the room. Only April and Donatello remained awake, and both seemed to be fading quickly. He needed his mind to be present here, not pleading with the universe for the impossible. Needed to be strong for his sons, to take care of what was left of his family.

Another leap of his heart choked the air from his lungs as his mind thought to Leonardo. He couldn’t be… simply couldn’t.

Tea. Tea had the power to calm any storm of emotions. He walked slowly from the room, taking care not to wake any of the inhabitants, and made his way to the kitchen. His eyes glossed over as he fought his own senses, trying to drag them back to reality once again. The minute the scent of his beverage reached his nose, his mind was lost to memory: Leonardo loved this tea. He’d started drinking it when he was young, copying his Sensei like a duckling to a duck. Such blind admiration had, admittedly, always made Splinter’s heart soar.

His Leonardo. His responsible eldest. He couldn’t be…

“Sensei?” April’s hand on his shoulder drew Splinter’s attention to her. The question in her eyes was answered before it made it past her lips.

“I am alright, April. I thought…” The pause was an unexpected shred of doubt clawing at his mind. Why worry others when he knew it to be impossible? “It is nothing a good night of rest cannot cure.” He finally said, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. The smile that ghosted across her lips confirmed that she wouldn’t keep digging. “Shall we?” He brought his hand in front of him to gesture toward the med room. The sudden aversion of her eyes gave him pause.

“I think I’ll stay out here a while. Don’s already downed the remaining coffee, so I’d better make some more for both our sakes.”

Her excuse was weak and Splinter saw through it without effort. “…Something troubling you?”

But April had already turned her back to him, filling the coffee pot. “No no, not at all. Just caffeine deprived.”

“April…” She flinched as he spoke her name. “I understand the past few weeks have been difficult, and you have been nothing if not a pillar of strength.” He saw her head lower at the compliments. “But if there was anything you should need to discuss, your family is always here to listen.” He pulled a clean cup from the cupboard and offered it to her, placing his hands over hers as she took it. “You have been here for us in our times of need. Please, allow us to do the same.”

April placed the cup down before she dropped it, her hands trembling beneath Splinter’s calm touch. Guilt leapt through her features as she pulled away, not able to meet the kind Rat’s stare. After several minutes of silence, Splinter more than willing to wait patiently, April finally managed to find her voice. “I… I was disappointed. When Raph woke up, I felt… disappointed. I am SO grateful he is alright, and relieved to not have lost another brother, but…” She turned her back to Splinter, her whole body language screaming shame. “When he woke up, I knew that meant having to face reality and I wasn’t ready. I knew we’d have to eventually, and Raph being awake only makes it easier. But now that he’s OK—“

“We must face Leonardo’s death.”

The droop in her shoulders was telling enough. She was quick to wipe a tear away before it could be seen.

“I almost caught myself wishing Raph didn’t…” Hands wrapping around herself as though they could stop her sin from permeating, April felt a cold chill run down her spine. “I’m sorry, Splinter…”

She was grateful for the coffee pot beeping it’s ready, giving her hands something to do. But Splinter was quick to take the pot from her and place it on the table, stealing her full attention. “Fear is a powerful enemy, April. One that can make even the greatest of people do the worst of things.” He waited to catch her eyes before continuing. “The loss of a loved one is devastating to all. Do not hold yourself in contempt for wishing to stave off such pain.” A lump formed in his throat that took great effort to be rid of before speaking again. “Leonardo’s passing is something we all dread to face, but we will do it as we have done everything. Together.”

While it didn’t relieve her of her guilt immediately, the love and understanding in Splinter’s voice did wonders for her conscience. But she still wasn’t ready to go back in and face the others. “Thank you, Sensei.” She whispered, wrapping her arms around him in a quick hug and silently wishing she had more words to express her gratitude. He was more patient and understanding than she deserved. “But I… I think I still need some air.”

“Wakarimasu.” He whispered, returning the embrace. “We are here whenever you need.”

She watched him walk back to the room, waiting till he was fully out of sight before falling into a chair by the table. There had been many times over the years that she felt inadequate when compared to the turtles. After all, they literally saved the world on a daily basis; it was like comparing herself to Batman. But this was one of the few times she felt ashamed by comparison. Horrible.

Selfish.

With a sigh, she ran her hands through her hair, trying to still the heartache that pounded through her body. “I’m so sorry…”

But no apology could make this better.

No apology could bring Leo back.

 

* * *

 

Piping criss-crossed all along the walls, tubes of different widths snaking around the concrete like veins. Metal scaffolding lined the whole circumference of the shaft, with a pathway through the center leading right toward the ladder. It was several feet above him, but it was the only way to get to the ladder without climbing the piping on the walls, a feat he was certain would only end in doom with how useless his body felt right now.

A broken rail dipping low along the center bridge provided the solution. Should he reach it, he could swing his way onto the path and walk to the ladder.

He was going to have to jump.

But the rail was nearly smack dab in the middle of the bridge; if he missed, there would be nothing to stop his fall into the abyss below.

Desperate times and all that…

Nothing about the area was stable, everything worn and rusted from years of neglect, so even if he made the jump, he still might end up falling to a dark death, but there were no other options from where he stood.

No time for doubts now. He had a way out and he was taking it.

Stepping back into the safety of his tunnel, Leo closed his eyes, finding his focus. He was going to need every bit of strength he had –mental and physical- if he was going to pull this off. He couldn’t allow any room for second thoughts or hesitations. Stepping back to allow for ample running room, Leo set his mind and prepared.

Here goes… everything.

One foot shot out, then the other, building speed as he went, his gaze unmoving from his target. The ledge came up fast, leaving no time to take note of the screams from his tired muscles. He’d timed it well. His foot hit the edge of the tunnel just at the end of his stride, giving him full momentum to spring forward. Unfortunately his body was tired of being ignored and his left leg buckled under the pressure. He faltered, but still managed to jump using the one good leg he’d leveraged, forcing himself up and out as far as possible.

Reach. Almost… Got it! Before it even registered that his hand touched metal, he gripped it as tight as his muscles would allow.

Body swinging forward and back as he fought to keep his grip, a groan of pain from the strain crawled from his lips. But he gave his muscles no chance to process, swinging himself back and forth until propulsion carried him high enough to let go, flipping himself over the railing. He’d meant to land on his feet, but the momentum was too much and he only managed to catch his heels on the metal before falling backward, landing hard on his shell. Pain shot through his entire body, his broken ribs particularly angry as they stole the air from his lungs, leaving him gasping and holding his side. The strain was enough to make him nauseous and it took great effort to keep his stomach from emptying all over himself, but a few minutes of meditative breaths did the trick in gaining some level of control.

He’d made it to the scaffolding. Now he was only a ladder climb away from finding out where in the world he was. Hopefully.

Pulling himself off the floor with great effort, Leo stood and began walking toward the ladder, moving quickly so his muscles were given no chance to beg for rest. Metal groaning and creaking beneath his movements also gave him purpose, as he had no way of knowing if it would hold his weight for long. The faster he got to solid ground, the better.

Now able to see it clearer, the ladder gave no strong impressions of stability with it’s rusted steps and missing sections, but Leo could only hope it at least held out long enough for him to make the climb. To his dismay the first few steps were missing. Perfectly reachable if he stood on the railing, but it meant he’d have to pull himself up without the aid of a step.

A one armed chin up with a broken rib and no sleep. Sounded like something out of Raph’s workout manual.

The thought of his brother spurred his determination. He took one more moment to find some air before carefully climbing onto the railing, ignoring it’s creaking as he reached up to grab the ladder. His height was good, giving him enough to grip the first rung with ease, but the minute he went to jump, the railing beneath his feet shifted. Leo was able to keep his balance, but the scaffolding was clearly not as stable as him. It pulled from the walls in a cry of freedom, bending under the weight of it’s new tenant.

No time for second chances.

Leo jumped as the railing collapsed, grabbing the end of the ladder with the tips of his fingers just in time. The metal screeched and wailed as it tumbled into the depths of the shaft, landing with an echoing thud. Looking down past his dangling body, Leo thanked his lucky stars he hadn’t fallen with it; judging by how long it took, he could guess the bottom of this pit was far deeper than he’d thought.

There’d be no surviving a fall like that, miracles, luck or not.

Allowing himself a quick steadying breath, Leo attempted to pull himself up the ladder. Unfortunately his body was heavier than he remembered, and his arm weaker, leading to an unsuccessful lift. He tried again, pulling up with whatever might was in him, but his body pulled down with even stronger force. Again he fell, his arm snapping taught as his legs dangles below him, swaying back and forth.

He was too tired. His muscles too weak. He needed to—

His grip began to slip as the ladder suddenly jarred, a piece of the metal connected to the wall coming loose and falling to the pit.

Leo struggled to readjust his hand as his body began to make it’s pain known. His right side stung with constant ache, and his left arm felt tired enough to fall off. He had to do something quick or this dark shaft was going to swallow him whole.

As his grip loosened ever more, Leo narrowed his eyes up toward the light. So close… he was so close. No giving up now.

Ignoring the numbness crawling down his left side, he began swinging himself once again. When he felt he’d built enough momentum, he readied himself, taking a shallow breath. As his legs swung back he released his grip on the ladder.

For several terrifying, thrilling milliseconds, he felt himself flying through the air.

As his back momentum swung him up, Leo reached forward and grabbed the bar several above where he’d been. Gravity finally took notice, grabbing the heavy turtle and dragging him down for all it was worth. But Leo held his grip tight, shooting his legs in front of him to catch them on the ladder and keep his body from slamming into it.

Now several rungs higher, with his feet planted steadily on a step, Leo felt relief attempt to sweep through him. He stopped it quickly; no time for a victory dance yet, he still needed to make it to the top. Quickly before he lost the adrenaline rush and his body remembered how tired it was, Leo found his footing and began climbing the ladder. It wasn’t as simple as he would have hoped, his left arm being the only one that could move meant he had to release his grasp every step and depend on his own balance to keep him from falling back as he reached the next one. Balance hadn’t been an issue for the trained ninja since he was five years old, but between the spinning of his head and the rattling of the insecure ladder, even he was having trouble. The closer he came to the top, the dizzier he got. It felt like an eternity since he’s last seen light of any kind and his eyes were having a hard time adjusting.

A sudden screech of metal as he found the next rung halted his movement. A moment of silence as he waited to see if it would creak any further, then he continued.

Three-quarters of the way up.

Almost there.

His next step suddenly buckled the bar beneath his foot, rust finally winning the battle and breaking metal from metal. Leo gripped the rung above him in a mad scramble as the broken step tumbled into the depths. Again ignoring the fire burning through his right side, he listened as the ladder moaned under his weight.

Finally the echoing disappeared, the metal settling, and Leo let go of the breath he’d been holding. His left arm shouted it’s weariness, threatening to give out and let go, but Leo held fast.

A sudden screeching snap snapped Leo’s eyes up towards the light, catching sight of the ladder’s end pulling from the wall, it’s hinges holding it in place becoming yet another victim of rust and time.

It wouldn’t hold his weight. Had to move fast!

Scrambling to get his feet onto the next bar, Leo pulled himself up each rung as fast as he could. Legs caving, lungs burning, and right side searing, his mind had to fight to keep calm and focused as he hurried toward the top, the ladder groaning with every movement.

Only several steps away. Just a little bit—

Another screaming snap and Leo knew he was in trouble. A quick glance was all it took to confirm it; the other hinge adhering the ladder to the wall was severed. His weight was already pulling the ladder down, bending it backwards into gravity’s cold hands. He was too far down and moving too slow, he’d never make it!

Narrowing his eyes, Leonardo snapped into action. He hauled himself up the rungs, pulling the ladder further from the wall as he went. Still too slow. He’d have to—

Before he even finished the thought he was springing forward, sailing through the air in a desperate reach for the light above him. It was as if the world moved in slow motion; his hand reached, the ladder fell past him, gravity fought to claim him and the light felt like it was moving farther away.

His hand met solid ground at last and gripped the cement ledge for all it’s worth. Unfortunately, with his legs only barely untangling themselves from the fallen ladder, he wasn’t able to get them under himself in time.

His plastron connected hard with the wall, sending pain shooting through his whole body. His right side, including his useless arm, screamed in torment, ripping at Leo’s nerves with their protest.

He couldn’t stop the cry of pain that roared from his throat, as loud and anguished as necessary to keep his mind from the hurt now burning through his body. Amidst all the agony he held his grip on the ledge, refusing to let go despite the urgings of his tired arm.

Again Leo hardened his resolve, breathing through the agony and finding strength wherever it was left. Once again he swung his legs to gain altitude, scraping them on the wall as he moved. When finally high enough so his body was level with the ground, he released his hand, closing his eyes to prepare for what was to follow.

This was going to hurt.

He rolled his body over the ledge at the apex of his next upswing, landing hard on his right side. He could feel something snap as another sear of pain tore a scream from his lips. Momentum mercifully continued the roll so he eventually landed on his back, but by then he was already numb to everything but the pain, gripping his right arm as though holding it would somehow end his torment.

After what felt like an eternity, the sting finally waned, allowing Leo to remember how to breathe once more. Unfortunately his lungs felt impeded by something and his breath of relief turned into a fit of coughs that sent his body back into the clutches of agony.

It felt like being torn apart from the inside out. It felt like being back in that prison, lights dancing around him as Shredder sent waves of electricity burning through his system.

His brothers endured more.

Groaning as another sharp sting ran rampant across his right side, Leo blinked up into the light.

He’d made it. Finally.

 

* * *

 

“Mikey.” Raph’s voice grated as he blinked his eyes open, pulling his mind from the depths of sleep. His younger brother was shaking and gripping his hand as though holding on for dear life. “Mikey, wake up.” But his voice wasn’t powerful enough to bring the younger out of his slumber.

Suddenly startled by something that wasn’t Raph’s voice, Mikey jolted upright, his grip on Raph’s hand tighter than ever as he panted for breath, eyes darting wildly around the room.

“Whoa. Easy, Mikey…” The elder strained to sit up, growling against the pain as he pulled his hand from his brother to prop himself up on the pillows. His movements brought Mikey’s crazed gaze to a stand still, shoulders relaxing the minute he saw Raph awake.

But that fear in his eyes remained present. Potent. Had been since Raph regained consciousness.

“You OK?” He asked after waiting a moment for the pain to ebb.

Mikey rubbed the back of his neck, trying to shake the terrors of his subconscious before scooting closer to his brother. “Yeah, dude. Just… a weird dream. That’s the last time I mix chicken broth and water before bed.”

The older turtle managed to crack a weak grin. “Right.” It was an odd thing watching Mikey stuff his emotions away so forcefully, being that he normally was one to express them with unrestrained rambunction. Usually to Raph’s irritation. Taking a moment to focus on inhaling a good breath, Raph watched as Mikey plastered on a smile that looked only half genuine.

“How’re you feeling, bro? Do you need anything?”

Several sarcastic replies floated through Raph’s head, but a cough reminding him of how dry his throat was made him think better of it. “Water.”

His brother was quick to refill the glass beside him, but Raph had trouble holding it without his arm trembling at the movement. He grumbled in frustration as Mikey reached to help. “Here.”

“I got it.” He snapped, more out of embarrassment than anything. Couldn’t even hold a cup of water, damn that was pathetic. Taking great effort to still his hand, he gulped back a sip and handed the glass back to his brother before he spilled it all over. One glance at Mikey had his embarrassment die in it’s tracks. He could see the fear his brother kept trying to burry unsuccessfully, and it was driving him nuts not knowing why it was there.

Not knowing how to take it from him.

With his throat no longer feeling like the sands of the Sahara, Raph tried his hand at speaking again. “Nightmare?” He asked, deciding to stick with short, pointed sentences, for his lungs’ sake.

“It was nothin’ dude, don’t worry about it.” The adamancy with which he brushed it off was so very… Leo-like. All the more reason Raph felt the need to press it.

Taking advantage of the fact that Mikey was so close, Raph raised his good arm, ignoring the insistent trembling as he placed it on Mikey’s shoulder. “You can… tell me.” He tried to put as much assurance in his voice as possible, but it only came out breathy and weak.

Mikey inhaled sharply at the touch and Raph couldn’t tell if it was from comfort or terror. What was going on in the kid’s head?

“It…” For a moment it looked like he might open up. “It was just a dream, Raph.”

“’Bout Shredder?”

Mikey nearly shuddered at the name, but other than that didn’t react. Strike one. “No. It wasn’t a—“

“’Bout Leo?”

While he averted his eyes at the mention, Mikey didn’t seem phased by it. Strike two.

“’Bout me?”

The hitch in his breath was a dead giveaway. Home run.

So Mikey had a nightmare about him, but what could have rattled him so much? Raph assumed it had something to do with what had happened while he was out, but he hadn’t been able to stay conscious long enough to ask Don about it.

Huffing out a painful breath, Raph locked eyes with his brother, clearly demanding despite his weak tone. “What happened… while I was out?” Congratulations, he made it through a whole sentence.

Mikey didn’t seem to like that question any more than he liked being asked about his nightmare, but Raph was adamant. He refused to let go of Mikey’s shoulder, ignoring the demands of his arm to be allowed to rest once more.

“I don’t think we should talk about that yet. You just focus on getting—“

“Mikey.” The name was both exasperated and pleading.

The orange-banded turtle hunched his shoulders as he stared at the floor, clearly trying to keep control of some strong emotional tugs. “It… It’s not…” Not something he felt strong enough to recount yet. “…It was bad, Raph.”

“How bad?”

“Dude, I think it’s best if—“

Raph puffed another deep breath. “How bad?”

“I don’t—“

“Mikey.”

“You died, Raph.” Both turtles turned their attention to the door where Donnie stood, coffee in hand and a grim expression on his face. He was as content as Mikey to never speak of this again, but Raph deserved to know. He took his seat next to his older brother, watching Raph’s wide eyes follow his every movement. “You’d lost a lot of blood, too much, while you were in surgery. It put you in a coma.” Don was speaking in his ‘doctor’ voice: matter of fact and devoid of emotion.

“After two days of trying to heal, your body finally gave out. Your heart stopped. We tried everything we could, but it wouldn’t start again.” He paused to take stock of the room, noting Raph’s face was frozen in wide-eyed shock and Mikey was visibly tensing with every word spoken.

“But despite a lack of pulse, your hands moved. I still can’t figure out how; maybe a delayed command by the brain or some sort of twitch, but your hands moved. And then a minute later, they didn’t. Your hands were still, your breathing stopped, no pulse… you were dead. For a full three minutes… you were gone.”

Glancing at Mikey who was practically crawling into his shell to escape the conversation, Don buried his own fear and continued. “And then, suddenly, you weren’t. Suddenly your heart was beating and you were breathing again. I can’t explain how it happened, or why- maybe it was simply a matter of will overpowering the mind?” He’d look into later. “But it was definitely what I would call miraculous.” And Don never used that term lightly, if at all.

Raph finally unlocked his stare long enough to peer at his youngest brother. This was a lot to take in, but now everything made sense. No wonder Mikey seemed to freak every time Raph closed his eyes. It also crushed the small ray of hope he’d been holding onto. “So… that explains it.” He mumbled to himself, noting the puzzled glance from both his brothers. “I saw him. Leo.” Wide eyes from both his siblings were staring him down, hope dangerously bounding around Mikey’s. “The dark was… endless. I was tired. Ready to give up. Then he appeared up. Told me to find home.” The breathlessness of Raph’s voice did little to steal from the power of his words. “Thought maybe it meant he was still alive, but…” He grimaced as a cough reminded him of how much energy it took to speak.

The room fell silent as the brothers all bowed their heads while the memory of their fallen brother’s sacrifice forced it’s way before them.

How were they supposed to move past this?

Listening from the doorway, Splinter’s heart jumped, once again trying to convince him of an impossible truth. His son was dead. He’d felt it.

But then… what was this he felt now? Could it be possible?

“…Leonardo…”

 

* * *

 

It was all he could do to keep from passing out. Between the suffering of his nerves and exhaustion of his muscles, he barely had enough wits to force his eyes to remain open.

Stay focused. Assess the situation. Injuries first, then location. Get home.

Then sleep.

Forcing his mind away from the pain, Leo finally managed to get a glimpse of his injuries. His eyes widened the minute he saw his right arm: half the skin was burned away and the other half that wasn’t bruised purple or covered in crusted blood, had a sickly green color to it that was anything but his usual shade. The burns went all the way up his arm to his shoulder. Just the sight of it was enough to make him ill. It was no wonder he couldn’t feel that arm anymore. His shoulder also looked mangled, probably dislocated.

How on earth was he still alive?

Don’t question it. Tempting fate now was a terrible idea.

After taking a few moments to steady his breathing and get a handle on the pain, Leonardo attempted to sit up so as to survey his surroundings. His entire being objected strongly to the movement, his muscles seizing and stiffening to try and keep him still. It was becoming abundantly clear that his body could take no more abuse, and if he ever wanted to make it home he’d have to find it within the next few hours. Because he was certain if he fell asleep again, he wouldn’t have the strength to fight the darkness. Determination or not.

As if taking it’s cue from his thoughts, Leo felt his eyes begin to close as sleep crept in.

No. Come on Leo, move. There was no way he’d gone through all that just to give up now.

He had no more strength anymore except strength of will, which was enough for him to drag himself to the nearest wall, leaning heavily against it. With a better vantage point, he saw the injuries to his right side and how severe they were: bruised, dried blood crusted everywhere, and burns crawling along the entire right side of his body all the way down to his feet. He certainly wasn’t looking his best. As he studied himself, trying to understand how in the world he’d managed to move all this time, he saw something glint out of the corner of his eye, jutting between his plastron and his shell down near his abdomen. In his dazed stupor, he couldn’t fathom what it could possibly be, so he moved his hand to inspect the object. The minute he touched it, pain exploded across his side, nearly sending him hurling bile over the edge of the shaft he’d just escaped from. The small, thin piece of metal had lodged itself deep in his torso, and for the life of him Leo couldn’t think as to when it got there. Did he hit something in the wall when he’d made his leap to freedom? Or was it when he’d swung over the railing? Could it have been there since the water incident and he’d just chalked it up to his broken rib?

He touched it tenderly once more and hissed at the pain. With nothing to staunch the blood flow that would follow from removing it, he knew it best to leave it in. But whether he’d had it before and just moved it in his recent activities, or it was the newest addition to a growing list of injuries, the pain was far too prevalent to ignore. This would make things more difficult…

Moving his gaze from his battered body to the surrounding area, Leo surveyed his new position, grateful that it came with an abundance of light so he wasn’t stuck in darkness anymore. It looked to be an old water collection basin, likely from a diverted sewer path that was no longer used. The pipes were collecting rust, but several towards the ceiling had been replaced, which meant this area might still receive maintenance. He’d have to be on the look-out for—

Something on the wall suddenly caught his attention and he squinted through the dizziness to focus on it. His heart leapt in his chest as his mind finally caught what he was reading. It couldn’t be…

_“Mikey…” Leo breathed a sigh of relief at having found his sibling. The younger turtle sat hunched in the shadows, sulking as he used a stick to draw on the wall. “You shouldn’t run off like that. Everyone was worried.”_

_“Raph needed space, so I gave him some.”_

_His casual tone made the elder cock an eye ridge in puzzlement. “…You’re not upset?” He’d assumed that their temperamental brother’s tirade had hurt the younger’s feelings, as tended to happen._

_“Nope.”_

_“Then why—“_

_“You know how Raph is: when he gets upset, he takes it out on everyone. I know he’s not actually mad at me.” It had only been a water balloon, certainly not worth the verbal abuse that had followed. But Leo was still confused._

_“What is he upset about, then?”_

_“That Sensei made you leader.” The way Mikey said it, like it was the most obvious thing on the planet, made Leo blink in surprise. That had been a week ago… why would Raph still be kicking up a fuss about it?_

_“I see…” Moving closer to see what his brother was doing with the stick, Leo read the writing on the wall. “’Mikey was here’? What’s that for?”_

_“Makin’ my mark, bro.” There was a sadness in his tone that Leo found distressing. “Even if it is insignificant…”_

_And there it was. Squatting beside his brother, the ninja in blue placed a comforting had on Mikey’s shoulder. “He didn’t mean it. He was just angry.”_

_“I know…”_

_A sigh blew through his lips as Leo tried to find the right words. “You’re not insignificant, Mikey. You’re important, both to the team and the family. Don’t let Raph get under your skin.” The younger’s eyes dropped to the floor and Leo couldn’t tell if his words were sinking in. “We need you little bro. We wouldn’t be a team without you.”_

_Mikey finally lifted his gaze to look at his brother with those big blue eyes of his, wide with innocent optimism. “…You mean that?”_

_And Leo wished he knew a way to show how much he did, but apparently he’d expended his ‘leader wisdom’ for the day since his mind was coming up empty. “Well I’m sure Sensei could try and fill your shoes as resident prankster, if you have your heart set on being a graffiti artist.” The mental image made Mikey bark in laughter, bringing a smile to Leo’s lips. Victory at last. He gave his brother’s shoulder one last squeeze before standing and offering his hand. Mikey took it, his usual playfulness dancing in his eyes again. How his brother was able to bounce back so easily was a skill Leo hoped to learn himself one day._

_“You’ll make a good leader, Leo.”_

_“Oh yeah?” The elder pulled his brother up with ease, expecting some sort of flippant sarcasm, as was Mikey’s way. “Why’s that?”_

_“’Cause you always know what to do to make everything better.”_

_While the statement itself was innocently naïve, it was the way his brother said it with such confidence and sincerity that hit home for Leo. His heart tightened, suddenly realizing how much he needed that confirmation from his sibling. How was it that he’d come out here to console his baby brother and somehow ended up being the one consoled?_

_Mikey had a gift._

_Smiling as he rubbed his brother’s head in an endearing noogie, Leo walked forward, taking point. “Come on, I’ll race you home!”_

_“Oh, it’s on!”_

His baby brother was the first one to give him confidence as a leader. The first one to believe in him when he didn’t even believe in himself.

And now Mikey was leading him home.

There, on the wall across from him, shining like a beacon of hope, were the faded scribblings ‘Mikey was here’.

Leo knew where he was. He knew these tunnels.

He knew how to get home.

“Thanks Mikey.” He smiled to himself, the tug on his lips feeling odd against what he could only assume were burns on his face. Determination gleaming in his eyes and hope finally sparking in his heart, Leonardo took one last shallow breath before fighting to stand once again. Not pain, fatigue, or the new wound now bleeding out his right side were going to keep him from home now.

A little longer. He could hold out a little longer.

 

* * *

 

“I admit,” Casey shrugged his shoulders, almost sheepishly, as Raph stared him down. “it wasn’t the same bustin’ heads without you. Mostly ‘cause you weren’t there to slow me down.”

Raph grinned, rolling his eyes, clearly wanting to retort with something equally insulting, but could only huff out a slight cough before shaking his head. “Watch it, Jones.” He was beyond thankful for his friend’s lively presence to take his mind from the conversation he’d had with his brothers earlier. But not even Casey was loud enough to drown out the obvious disquiet of the room.

“I’m just tellin’ it like it is. If you’d hurry your ass up and heal already, we could go on patrol and I’ll prove it!”

“Will we? Go on patrol again?” All eyes looked to Mikey as he glanced around, an honest questioning in his eyes. It wasn’t fear of facing the world again that stopped him, since Mikey had never been the type to let a bad incident keep him from doing what he loved. It was just, “…Without Leo…”

Two words. And the whole lair was drowning in grief again. Everyone’s eyes found something on the floor to focus on, none willing to look at each other. Splinter took a long, silent breath, about to speak, when Donatello beat him to it.

“He’d want us to.” His voice was tentative, almost hoping he hadn’t been heard. Unlike Mikey, Don was afraid. Without Leo, they had no leader. They were a table attempting to stand like a tripod, tipping over and buckling at even the slightest weight dropped on their shoulders. With practice and work it was possible they could learn to be a team of three, but they would always be different. Weaker. Never as strong as they had been.

They’d never be as safe.

Don was afraid that without Leo, his brothers would be in far greater danger on every mission. How many times had they managed to overcome impossible odds because of Leo’s calm leadership? How many missions had ended with victory simply because of Leo’s refusal to quit? How many times had Leo saved their lives and brought them home safe?

Every time.

And it wasn’t just his fighting skills or leadership that strengthened the team, but his presence. That big brother presence that inspired them to be better, whether through sibling rivalry with Raph or an example to follow for Mikey. Leo made them better. Stronger.

From a purely analytical standpoint, getting back out there and fighting the good fight was far too dangerous to justify; too many enemies they’d barely kept at bay before that would be nearly impossible to defeat now. They’d be handicapped in every battle they entered from here on out, like fighting without a limb. It wouldn’t be safe.

And yet…

“Leo would want us to protect the city.”

They all knew he spoke truth, but the same hesitancy strangling Don’s heart was present in every one of their eyes.

Because, honestly… how were they supposed to do this without Leo?

 

* * *

 

Leaning his shoulder on the wall for support, Leo moved his good hand to his right side, feeling the metal edge embedded there. Walking had clearly done him no favors, it felt like the makeshift knife was cutting a wider hole in his flesh with each step.

It hurt. A lot. Everything did.

How he wished he was home, sitting on the couch and watching his brothers brawl on their Donnie-made Xbox, Master Splinter content in his chair while April and Casey sat back and regarded the whole scene with amusement. What he wouldn’t give to have Donnie use his healing hands to take the pain away while Mikey made him laugh to keep his spirits up, Raph keeping a watchful eye on them all so Leo could rest. How desperately he needed to see his Father again, to feel the warmth of his fur and the calm wisdom in his eyes, saying everything would be alright.

How he missed home.

By normal standards, the area he’d found himself before was only a twenty-minute haul from the lair, even less if he could get to the surface. But in his current condition it had taken him nearly ten minutes just find the strength to stand upright and get his footing. He was completely unable to move when not hugging the wall, and his injuries made every step small, slow, and unsteady. At his rate, the normal twenty minute journey was likely to take hours, particularly since he had to pause every few minutes to catch his breath. And there were several areas that would take longer due to their change in terrain. He was still a few levels below the lair, so he’d have to climb at some point, and he had no strength to make it up a ladder or a hill of any kind.

Cross that bridge when you get there, Leo. For now, focus on movement. Slow, steady movement.

Though he doubted they were doing him any good at this point, Leo continued to mumble healing mantras under his breath, hoping for any kind of relief it might bring him. If it hadn’t been for those mantras, he never would have survived the shocks back in the prison; focusing them around his heart had been the only thing that kept it beating as Shredder increased the voltage. He knew all he needed was for the circuits to overload for the slightest moment to allow him to subtly free one hand, but the sheer pain the electricity caused had been overpowering. Sensei’s mantras saved his life.

Sensei saved his life.

He suddenly wondered what Splinter was doing right now. How worried he must have been while they were all missing.

How disappointed he’d be at Leo’s failure.

What if his brothers didn’t make it home safe? How could he ever face his Father knowing it was his actions that led to the loss of their family?

No. Don’t think like that. They were home, they had to be. They’d gotten away on the ship long before the complex exploded. They were safe. Even Raph…

What if Raph was dead?

Get home, Leo. Find them. See for yourself they’re safe.

Have to be safe.

 

* * *

 

Raph’s face twisted in a deep frown, clearly holding back a cry of pain as Don checked his stitching. It was good to be sitting fully upright again, but the new position made him nauseous and exhausted within the first few minutes. Damn he was tired. Admittedly it had been a long day, full of heavy conversations that he was nowhere near ready to participate in, but it still rang pitiful to feel as exhausted as he did when the extent of his movement was shifting which pillow he was leaning on. Normally he’d be cursing how pathetically weak he felt, but after what Don told him, he was simply grateful to still be around. For now, anyway.

It was comforting being back in the light. Away from that endless dark that had nearly dragged him under.

He wondered if Leo was in the dark.

That place where he’d seen him, in between death or just before it or wherever the hell it’d been, he wondered if Leo was still there. Still in pain. Still as afraid. That look in his eyes before he disappeared still haunted Raph every time he thought of his brother. If Raph had just been a little stronger, just been able to reach him, to fight the darkness more than he had, maybe he could have—

“Ah!” Raph couldn’t stop the growl of pain as Donnie worked on his right shoulder.

“Sorry, but you tore a few stitches. They need to be replaced.” And that was the only apology Don offered before his face drew tight in concentration, the rest of the world falling away as he focused on his task.

“How’d he manage that? He ain’t done nothin’ but sit up and lay down in two days.”

“Flexin’.” Raph smirked with a knowing glare, enjoying the roll of Casey’s eyes. Truth was, he knew how he tore it. In one of the only moments he’d been left alone since waking, he’d tried to reach for his water cup and felt something tear. But admitting that he was so weak he couldn’t lift a stupid cup of water was far too humiliating. Exchanging sarcasm with Case made him feel less like a pathetic, bedridden idiot, and more like himself. Insulting Mikey would usually have the same effect, but the kid had been oddly quiet.

He glanced at his baby brother from the corner of his eye, noting the half fake smile plastered on his face. It pissed Raph off to see him like that. Pissed him off more that it was probably his fault.

“That should do it.” Don finally mumbled, eyes scanning his older brother for any other blood stains on his bandages. Fortunately they’d caught it quickly, but in his weak state, Don could see the blood loss had already drained the energy from Raph’s eyes.

It wasn’t life threatening. He could sleep and recover. Nothing to worry about. Don’t panic.

“I would suggest you let someone help you when you sit up, but I know you won’t.” He sighed. “Just be careful how you move.” Washing his hands and tools, Don took stock of the supplies on his tray. “Those were my last few stitches.” He mumbled wearily as he sat, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “Casey, April, I’m sorry to ask, but would you—“

“Say no more, Don.” April offered an understanding smile as she stood to leave, both grateful for the chance to get some fresh air and worried at the idea of leaving. They’d make it quick. “I have my phone if you think of anything else.”

“Thanks April.” The words didn’t adequately express his gratitude for all she’d done these past few weeks, but there would be time to speak with her later. His mind was far too tired to form proper sentences at the moment, and April looked about as weary as he felt.

Later. Deal with it later. Just like—…

Casey stood, arms still crossed as he glared at Raph, who returned the look. He wanted to say something, wanted to reprimand the turtle for scaring them all to death and remind him never to do it again. Wanted to shout in his face about not doing anything stupid like bleeding to death while he was out. But the right words weren’t there.

He placed a fist in the air and Raph grinned, bumping it with his good hand. “I’ll be back.” Raph nodded his understanding, and Casey silently thanked God that he still had that in his life; someone who understood him without any explanations or fancy words necessary. After a stern yet sincere glance exchanged between the two, Casey followed April out. He could tell she needed some time to clear her head, which is why he made no fuss about leaving. They needed this errand.

Needed something to take their minds off Leo.

As their friends left, Don turned to Raph and noticed how stubbornly he was forcing his eyes from drooping. “Some rest would do you good.”

Raph shook his head, clearly already annoyed at all the bed rest he was getting. “I ain’t sleepin’ again.”

“And I’m not asking.” Don stood, putting his supplies back in their drawers and cupboards. “Doctors orders.” He turned enough to see Raph cock an eye ridge in a challenging manner. “I’ll put you under if I have to.”

Raph snorted in annoyance, leaning his head back against the pillows. “Bossy know-it-all.” He mumbled, a slight smirk playing at his lips, despite himself.

At least some things would never change.

 

* * *

 

One more rung, almost there. His grip fell from sheer exhaustion, unable to hold anymore, but fortunately his reflexes were keen as ever, catching himself before gravity could nab him.

Come on. So close. Mind over body. Strength of will.

Trying again, he finally hauled his battered body over the top of the ladder, collapsing on his plastron as he gasped for breath. The ladder hadn’t been nearly as tall or dangerous as the last, but it was more than enough to drain his body of what little momentum it had.

So tired. Need sleep. Need—

 _“How could you?”_ Donnie’s fearful face floated in front of him, piercing his vision. _“You could have sent me!”_

Get up. Get going. Get home. Have to make sure they’re alright.

His body held no more energy to move, but his mind overpowered, forcing his legs underneath him. Grabbing the wall for support, he looked to the tunnel ahead of him and it’s incline that suddenly looked as intimidating as climbing a mountain. There was no way…. He didn’t have the strength to—

 _“If it comes to it… you help them first.”_ Raph’s weakened voice echoed around him, staining his hands with blood. _“We both know… I ain’t got much time…”_

He willed his legs to move, ignoring their cries of pain and fatigue. Mind over body. Focus. Get up the hill and get home. Make sure they’re alive. They have to be alive.

It was taking so long. The short tunnel seemed to stretch on for days. Maybe weeks. An eternity. He was barely half way up and it had already been an hour. Or two. Or a few minutes. He couldn’t tell. Couldn’t make it. Too weak. It was all too much. Been awake for too long. Too hungry, too thirsty, too—

 _“I trust ya Leo…”_ Mikey’s admiring eyes stood before him, wide with innocent faith in his big brother’s leadership. Naïve faith. Undeserved.

_“Mikey. Take Mikey.”_

Guilt flared like a bullet, piercing his every nerve and echoing pain through every thought. Had to see his brothers again. Apologize. Beg for forgiveness. They deserved better. Deserved a better leader. Better brother.

What had he done?

Leo hurled, a mixture of blood, bile, and other stomach fluids burning his throat on the way out. Exhaustion. He’d gone too far, pushed himself too hard. He was killing himself with every breath.

Home. Get home. Keep moving.

Don’t stop. Whatever you do, don’t stop.

 

* * *

 

It felt like drowning. Every cough that crawled up his throat, stole the oxygen from his lungs and shot pain through his tired body. His chest burned, his shoulder ached, and it felt like his larynx was grating sandpaper with each hack of his voice.

But none of that compared to what Raph saw in his brother’s faces at each attack. The fear and dread that rose in their eyes each time he coughed was more painful than the rest of it put together. It made him sick to see them like that. Made him feel weak. Useless.

He should have been strong enough to get through all this without scaring the life from them. Should have been able to protect them from Shredder.

It made him want to smack them. Shout at them. Throw his anger in their faces so they’d get angry back and stop looking at him like a piece of fine china that could break if they breathed. He hated seeing them so scared. Hated that it was his fault. Loathed that he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Mikey was quick to hand him some water as his cough ebbed, that half smile plastered on his face. The same fake smile that had greeted Raph when he woke from his doctor-Donnie-mandated rest a few moments ago. He couldn’t take it. “Knock it off… will ya?” His ragged voice was as demanding as he could manage. The two younger turtles shared a quizzical glance. “Stop lookin’ at me like I’m dyin’.” He watched as both their eyes fell to the floor, Mikey’s smile disappearing almost instantly, and Raph suddenly wasn’t sure if he should drop the subject. For once, he wasn’t trying to start a fight. He was trying to make them feel better. Trying to take that look of constant terror from their faces…

He hated seeing them so afraid. Hated that there was nothing he could do about it.

“…You were dead, Raph.” Don’s quiet voice finally broke the silence. “We thought… I mean you were really…” He sighed in frustration, holding his head a moment to get a grip on the headache now plaguing him. “It’s not something we can just snap our fingers and forget.” Oh how he wished he could.

“I’m fine.” Raph’s voice was more clipped than he’d meant it to be. But it was driving him nuts seeing his brothers look at him like he was a fragile doll that could break at any moment. He hated feeling so weak. Hated seeing them so worried, especially over him. “So stop—“

“Stop what, Raph? Stop feeling it? Stop seeing it? Just act like it never happened!?” Mikey’s outburst had both older brothers’ attention. “I can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I can’t! It just repeats over and over in my head like a never ending nightmare!”

The look of horror on his brother’s face did him in. Raph’s features softened slightly. “Mikey—“

“I can still hear the machine. That stupid noise it made to remind us your heart wasn’t beating. It’s so loud, sometimes I can’t hear myself think!” Never one for holding in his emotions, Mikey couldn’t deny expressing them any longer. Every word he spoke made his body tremble at the memory, begging him to stop and change the subject so he could try and forget, but he needed to say it all and get it out. “Your skin was cold, your body was pale, you weren’t breathing—You weren’t breathing, Raph!”

“Mikey, calm—” Don tried to sooth his brother, but there was no stopping him now that he’d started.

“I kept trying to tell myself it was a dream. That you’d wake up and shrug it off like you always do.”

“I did—”

“But you were dead!” Mikey stood, cutting Raph off before he could speak, emotions completely in control of his actions. “I know it was only for a few minutes, but you were dead! Just like that! Just like—“ Leo’s name choked in his throat before he could speak it. Mikey closed his eyes and hid the tears that wanted to fall. This was too much. He needed air. Needed to leave and pretend none of this ever happened.

Needed to have his brother back.

“Sensei’s been meditating for a while. I think I’ll go check on him.” Before either of the other two could say a word, Mikey turned on his heels and headed out of the room. It was too painful talking about this. Even though Raph was alive and well, that memory would haunt him the rest of his life. The memory of how terrifying it was to see Don holding the paddles with that look of fearful despair on his face. How much it rattled him to feel Raph’s hand suddenly go slack beneath his own.

How numbingly horrifying it felt to sit and watch the life leave his brother’s body, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Don nearly stood to follow the younger turtle out, not wanting him to wallow in his pain alone, but decided against it. Perhaps Mikey just needed some time alone to think. But he wasn’t alone in his despair. Don felt it too… that gaping wound where Leo should be… it was times like this that Leo shone as a leader, always finding a way to lift their spirits. Without him there, if felt like they were swimming against the current in the middle of a storm.

Raph watched his brother leave, huffing out a painful breath once he was gone. Don didn’t miss a step, moving to help the elder shift positions so he could breathe better. “You feel the same?” Raph asked, almost not wanting to know the answer.

Don shrugged, sitting back in his chair. “I’m… working through it.” Truth be told he was feeling more numb than anything else. Too much emotional trauma in too short a time was making it impossible to process everything properly. But Don was grateful for the numbness, anything to ease the pain of what they had to face now that Raph was on the mend.

“You’re not sleepin’, Don.”

“That’s nothing new.” Not entirely true, but the tall turtle hadn’t the mental fortitude to get into a deep conversation about how scarred he was from this whole scenario.

Later. Everything later.

Raph didn’t have the strength to argue, but he managed a small admonishing glare. “If you say so, egg-head.” He noticed the smile that crossed his brother’s lips and cocked his eye curiously. “What?”

Don shook his head. “Nothing.” He’d actually missed hearing his brother call him that. It was as fond to him as ‘Fearless’ was to—… In any case, it was good to hear it again. He knew he said it before, but he was reminded of it every time they spoke. “…It’s just good to have you back.”

As Raph prepared enough oxygen to reply with his best sarcasm, both brothers’ blood chilled when Mikey’s urgent voice shot through the lair like a ricochet.

“DONNIE!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At risk of making my own story look pitiful by comparison, there is a fanfic out there on fanfiction.net that’s inspired me for the past few months and deserves a recommendation. It’s called “Fade” by Dierdre; it’s unfinished and will most likely remain that way, but if you are willing to accept that heartache, I highly suggest giving it a read. ‘Amazing’ does not do it justice.


	29. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. There will be an epilogue to follow.

Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Pain. Ignore it. Forward. So tired. Keep going. Just… keep going.

Once again, Leonardo resorted to speaking his movements in an attempt to focus his mind. But every step forward, every breath taken, every minute his eyes were forced to stay open, slipped his body further past it’s limits. Further past the point of no return.

Everything was shutting down. His vision blurred, his legs were growing numb, and his mind was scattered and vague. Even his stomach was in protest, forcing up whatever fluids it could find when Leo would not listen to it’s demands for food and rest.

He was so close to home, he could practically hear his brother’s voices, laughing and joking about with each other.

And yet it seemed so far away.

After what must have been an hour of trudging along another wall of the now familiar sewers, Leo had to keep rechecking his surroundings to be sure he hadn’t taken a wrong turn. But for as tired as he was, his muscles remembered the way home. They’d come this way a thousand times before. Even in his weary stupor, they knew where to go.

It couldn’t be much further.

 _“They’re killing him!”_ Don’s worried face flit before him.

 _“What’s he going to do, rotate through us to see who dies first!?”_ Raph’s angry fists tensed Leo’s shoulders.

 _“He’s not invincible, Leo.”_ Mikey…

Hallucinations. Visions of the past brought forth to torment him in his fatigue. Ignore them. Keep going. Almost there.

_“Mikey. Take Mikey.”_

No… ignore it. Move. Keep—

Leo’s vision suddenly failed him, his eyes closing as he felt himself falling forward. No, no! Don’t pass out now! Not yet. So close! Managing to force his eyes open again, he caught himself on the wall, stumbling forward as his legs quaked beneath him, threatening to cave at any moment.

One more turn. One more corner. It had to be—

And at long last, his pleas for mercy had been heeded.

There. The entrance. A beacon of freedom from his never-ending journey. Just down the tunnel a ways.

Home was in sight. At last.

A surge of joy brought movement to his feet once more. Don’t stop now. Can’t stop. It’s there. Within reach.

His brothers were there.

Completely unable to feel his legs anymore, Leo dragged his body along the wall, refusing to give in to his need for respite.

_“All I can do is sit here and watch as Shredder destroys our family!”_

Had to see them.

_“Tell Sensei… I’m sorry for being such a… screw up.”_

Had to make sure they were safe.

_“I know I’m just a burden.”_

Just a little further.

_“Leadership is influence. Look where yours has led them.”_

One more step.

And at last… he’d made it. Like rising out of water, he felt himself able to breathe once again, the weight of doubt on his shoulders finally lifting as he stepped through the turnstile entrance. Everything was still here. Still safe, untouched by the enemy: the living room where they would mock movies and challenge each other to video game duels, the dojo where they would train and learn from their ever wise Father, the kitchen where they would battle for the right to avoid chores and claim the final scraps of every meal. Even the door to Donnie’s—

…Someone there. In the kitchen. Someone…

Leo’s eyes blinked in an attempt to focus. The face was more solemn than he remembered, but the orange mask was unmistakable.

“Mikey.” He was alright. Alive and well. Thank the heavens.

The next step he took, his legs had enough. He would have collapsed to the floor if not for the support of the turnstiles. No more. No more energy to give. He was right there, not thirty steps from the kitchen, and still he couldn’t reach his brother.

Come on, Leo, move. So close. So. Close. But his legs denied him, demanding a reprieve from their role in supporting his heavy body. If he let go of his prop, he would surely fall, and he knew there was no strength –of will or otherwise- left to get him up.

“Mikey…” Please. Hear it. Please—Mikey stopped. Spoke Leo’s name! His brother heard him! Thank the—No, he was turning back! Walking away, out of Leo’s life forever. It was deserved. Mikey deserved better. Better than a brother who would give him up when things got tough.

Get to him. Apologize. Had to tell him –too much- had to at least try and make amends. Move!

“Mikey…”

But his body was simply unable to comply. He’d pushed past every manner of limitation and boundary days ago… he had nothing left. He would fall over here, so close to home, to family, and die alone. A true testament to his shortcomings.

Don’t be melodramatic, Leo. Just try again. Always try again. Had to see them… his brothers. Had to… Please.

“Mikey…”

 

* * *

 

Mikey’d only made it a few steps out of the room before it hit him again, nearly sending him doubling over from the blunt force.

Grief and fear. His constant companions.

Grief over losing Leo. Fear that Raph would follow suit. He knew he had to let it go, move on, and find the joy in life again. He knew he was supposed to go back to being his normal exuberant self. He knew Raph hated seeing them so worried over him.

But Mikey was lost. There was no bright side to this situation. Yes, the three of them had made it home, and yes it could have ended much worse. But Leo was still dead, and no amount of positivity or glass-half-full thinking was going to take the horror of that away.

Nothing could bring Leo back.

Taking a deep breath, Mikey made his way to the kitchen, enjoying the free movement without his head swimming or the room spinning. He’d had every intension of actually checking on Splinter as he’d said, but the last thing his fragile emotions needed was to see his Father’s strong, comforting eyes staring him down, begging him to open up. Because he would. It’d be the straw that broke Mikey’s back, sending him crying for days on end. And none of them needed that added stress right now, himself included.

He hated feeling like this. He’d never been one to wallow, be it in fear, dread, anger or otherwise. There was always something great about life to focus on that made those emotions disappear without him having to put much effort into it. But his positivity was just one of many emotions fighting for his attention.

Fear, panic, relief, guilt, safety, dread, comfort, horror, loss; it was all bubbling just below the surface, setting his skin on fire as each one clamored for dominance.

He couldn’t begin to explain the relief that came with just being in Raph’s presence—That strong, protective blanket that he’d been afraid was gone forever—But every time he looked at his older brother, he saw his lifeless body lying on the table, hand slack, chest stilled, and that awful scream of the machine ringing in his ears. Every time Raph coughed, Mikey was reminded that his strong, almost indestructible brother had nearly been taken. And every wince of pain, bloodied hack, or angry scowl at his limited movement, was a stab at Mikey’s conscience, knowing that pain was meant to be his.

But Raph was alive. And nothing would quell the joy of that, not even guilt. Raph was alive. Not gone. Still here. Still breathing. Alive.

Leo was dead.

And it was that thought that stole his joy, positivity, and optimism, all in one fell swoop. Every time.

They were going to have to continue on without their leader. Their big brother. And Mikey couldn’t see how that would work. He’d have to step up. It was one thing to have Leo standing beside him, ready to help when Mikey made a mistake, it was another thing entirely to only have his example to get him through.

_“I admire that. I admire you.”_

He missed Leo. So much. So much it hurt.

As Mikey stood in the kitchen, his riling emotions had made no attempts to settle, making the idea of food a distasteful thought. The last time he’d been in here, they were all enjoying a family meal, as only his brothers knew how. There was laughter and fun and brotherly brawling.

They were whole.

Mikey turned away, feeling nausea that had nothing to do with food begin to crawl up his throat. This was how it was always going to be, wasn’t it? He’d think of something pleasant—some fond memory he loved to look back on—and suddenly his world would crash apart, splintering his heart with the pieces.

Because they’d never have those moments again. Never like they were before.

Never with Leo.

Stifling the tears threatening to brim in his eyes, Mikey wondered if he should go check on Master Splinter after all. It would be better than standing in the kitchen, wallowing in his own misery. As he turned his back, Mikey almost thought he could feel his eldest brother’s presence. Hear his quiet voice…

Wait… had he heard that for real? No no, couldn’t have.

“...Leo?” He looked around the bare table and toppled chair, glancing over the room as though he almost expected to find his elder brother, sitting there and sipping tea as if nothing had happened.

Empty. Only desperate lies of his imagination trying to ease his pain. Shaking his head of it, Mikey turned, suddenly feeling the need to be with his older brothers again. Leo was gone, but Raph and Donnie were still here.

Leo would want him to take care of them.

As he walked from the kitchen, he could have sworn he heard it again, like a ghost of his brother whispering in his ear.

“Mikey…”

So familiar. So comforting. So cruel. He took another step, trying to ignore his pleading heart, but something held him still. A presence, strong and loving, like that of his father but… different.

Leo watched as his brother seemed to freeze in his spot. He must have heard him! Say it again. Keep calling. Louder. Get his attention. Have to see him. Have to apologize. Have to tell him—everything!

“Mikey…”

The young turtle’s feet froze, unwilling to walk further. Ignore it. It’ll go away, just keep—

“Mikey…”

It wasn’t him. It was a trick. A dream. It couldn’t be real. Couldn’t be Leo. Leo was dead. It couldn’t…

Please. Leo felt his eyes closing of their own accord once again and forced them open. Not yet. Stay awake. Mikey had to hear him. Had to. Please, little bro, just…

Turn around.

Gulping in a breath, Mikey finally gave in, slowly turning to face behind him. He knew he would be greeted by nothing but air, and he knew how much it would hurt to see it. But his heart was adamant. Pulse thumping rapidly beneath his skin, silence as loud as thunder overtook his senses. He drew his gaze around the area behind him, trying to convince himself of how ridiculous this was. Leo was dead, there was no way he could simply waltz back into the lair like nothing—

“Mikey.”

Everything stopped.

His breath caught in his throat as his pupils shrunk, every emotion he’d been feeling before swept away in an instant. Dead. Leo was dead. A trick. Not real. Dead. A dream. Leo was—

The explosion.

Couldn’t be…

“…Leo?”

His voice trembled as much as his body, terror gripping his veins. It was a dream. Don’t believe it. Don’t—

“Mikey.” Finally. Seen at last. The horror on his brother’s face was agonizing. Take it away, help him smile. Mikey should be smiling. “I’m—“

Here. Leo was here.

Alive.

Mikey didn’t remember finding his legs again as he ran. He didn’t remember feeling his eyes well with tears. For a moment, even his own name was forgotten. Everything disappeared as he rushed to his brother.

Not gone. Not dead. All this time… Alive.

They could still train together. Still eat breakfast together. Still watch movies and play video games and live their lives. Together.

Not just memories. It was all possible again.

His brother was alive.

“Leo!” Unable to contain himself anymore, Mikey practically jumped to cover the remaining distance between them, wrapping his arms around the elder in a hug like none other.

Life could have joy in it again.

Because Leo was here. Standing before him with those dark blue eyes and that unmistakably strong presence.

“Mikey…” An arm draped over the young turtle’s shoulders, holding him weakly as tears spilled down Mikey’s cheeks unnoticed. “I’m sorry.” A voice like gravel scraped over his excitement. It was worn and ragged, but Mikey’s heart leapt at the sound of it. “I’m so sorry.” A hand moved to Mikey’s head, vulnerable guilt radiating from his older brother’s cold arms. “I’ll never give you away like that again. Ever.”

The words passed through him almost unnoticed. Only the sound of his brother’s voice was heard, it’s message being lost under a wall of urgent relief. Mikey held him tighter, afraid that at any moment the dream would end and he’d wake up to that awful reality where Leo was lost forever. “You’re alive…” His voice choked on his own words as he buried his face deeper into Leo’s shoulder. “You’re alive!” More tears streaked down his face unchecked in an attempt to relieve his overwhelmed heart.

Leo held his youngest sibling as tight against himself as his one good arm would allow, while Mikey cried his relief. Had Leo any moisture left in his body, he was sure he’d be doing the same. Mikey didn’t care that he’d been given up. Mikey was holding no grudges. Mikey, the mutant turtle with a bigger heart than any human who’d ever lived, was so grateful to have his brother back that he’d let go of any past pain to make way for relief. Leo could feel it. Feel his affection radiating like a warm light.

Mikey had a gift.

“I’m here, little brother.” His arms slipped from his sibling’s shoulders as Leo began to fall towards the floor. “I’m… here…”

“Leo!” Mikey felt his brother collapsing and caught him, lowering him to the ground as fear spiked through his body again. “Leo what’s—“ his voice lost itself as he finally took in his brother’s condition: burns all down his right side, arm looking mangled and twisted in ways it shouldn’t, face sunk and thin like he hadn’t eaten in months, and— “No…” Blood. All down his side, across his torso, and coating his left hand. Where was it all coming—His side. He’d been stabbed! And the metal was still in there! Another cough brought blood dribbling down Leo’s lips. Mikey could taste his fear like bile in his mouth.

Leo was bleeding… he was going to… again… he couldn’t…

“DONNIE!”

 

* * *

 

It was pain, that’s all. Pain of the heart trying to fill his loss with impossible hope. His son was gone. Accept it.

Splinter sat in the dojo by his children’s weapons, finally relieved to blow out Raphael’s candle, staring at the katanas with puzzlement and frustration. All his attempts to overcome his grief and set his senses straight had failed. Miserably. After hours of meditation to convince himself of the brutal truth, Splinter had only managed to succeed in firmly convincing his spirit his son was alive.

Grief was a strange, terrifying creature.

Taking one last deep breath, Splinter ran his hand over the katanas, taking in their remembered care and passion from their owner. “Leonardo…”

A strong, joyful thump of his heart made his eyes close; his spirit told him Leonardo was alive, but his mind knew otherwise. He had to accept it.

Standing shakily, Splinter took one last forlorn look at the weapons before leaving the dojo. He needed to clear his frail senses. Perhaps another cup of tea would do the trick before he sat with Raphael once again. Words would never be enough to express his gratitude at being given his son back.

Focus on what came home, not what was lost. Not yet.

The minute he left the dojo, a strong foreboding shadowed his mind. Something was… wrong. His every sense screamed out in concern, demanding he look around and find the problem. Was this another trick of his senses?

No… Experience had told him time and again not to ignore this feeling.

Walking cautiously toward the kitchen, the faint smell of copper suddenly stood his hair on end. Blood. Someone was hurt. His children were in danger! His pace quickened before he even had the chance to tell his old legs to move faster, rushing into the kitchen with fear quick on his heels. He saw Michelangelo sitting on the floor, cradling something in his arms. Blood pooled around him and he looked as though he was going into shock.

A cry for his brother tore through the lair, terror snaking under Splinter’s skin. “Michelangelo, what—“

His voice fell away as he approached, suddenly unable to move, breathe, or think. Not a trick of the senses. Not a lie. It had to be…

“…Leonardo?” There was no time to hide the pain in his voice as he took in the beaten form of his eldest son, lying in Michelangelo’s arms, bleeding onto the floor.

Alive.

Splinter’s voice, soft yet commanding, wise and comforting, despite the ardent worry that laced it now, was recognizable through even the thick fog of Leo’s weariness. “Father…” It never ceased to amaze him how his Sensei’s mere presence could calm all fear and doubt without ever a word spoken.

How soothing it was to hear that voice now.

Blue eyes Splinter feared he would never see again turned to look at him, their soft color full of adoration.

A miracle. A true miracle.

“Leonardo!” Moving without thought, there was no grace to the way Splinter fell beside his children, eyes alight with disbelief and worry. A smile twisted at his son’s lips, and for a moment the world fell away. Nothing else mattered. His son was alive. He could hear him, hold him, watch over him.

He was whole again.

“Oh, my son…!” A thankful tear escaped down his face as he brushed a paw down Leonardo’s cheek, lost in a moment of tenderness.

No more reason to fear. Like when he was a child, Leo’s mind told him now that Sensei was here, everything would be alright.

“He’s bleeding, Sensei!”

Pulled from his moment, Splinter’s eyes scanned his son’s body, the injuries making his heart pound wildly with terror. “It will be alright, Michelangelo.” His attempt at a calm voice wasn’t half as convincing as he’d hoped to make it, but he quickly reminded his heart to beat steadily.

As Splinter’s hand moved away from his face, Leo suddenly remembered his shame. His failures. Failed to see the trap. Failed to protect their family. Failed to do the job Splinter had charged him with all these years. Sensei would be disappointed… had every right to be. Apologize. Beg for forgiveness.

Before it’s too late.

“Dad, I—“ Leo winced as he held his side, and Splinter could practically feel his pain. “…I’m sorry…” He strained through the hurt to look his Father in the eyes, shameful regret running rampant through his features. “I failed them… Failed you…I should’ve—”

“No, my son.” Once again Splinter brought a paw to Leo’s cheek, holding his gaze without bothering to hide the pain in them. “You have not failed.” Never failed. Never once. “You are all home. Safe. And that is all that matters.” All that has ever mattered.

“Yeah dude, we only made it out of there because of you.” Leo felt Mikey squeeze his good hand in reassurance. The tremble in his voice was echoed in his grip and Leo wished he knew a way to wipe that fear from his brother’s eyes. “You’re a good leader, Leo. Always have been.”

“Mikey…” And there he was, doing it again. Forgiving and offering consolation when he was the one who needed the comfort. How did Mikey do it? The faintest smile crossed Leonardo’s lips before a sudden realization came over him. “Don… Raph… Where—?” A cough cut him off, spilling blood down his cheek.

Mikey’s pulse spiked as he held his brother tight. “L-Leo?!” He was coughing blood! What if he… again… And where the shell was “DONNIE!” His voice cracked as he called for his brother again.

The tall turtle finally made his presence known, barreling into the room with worried eyes as he came up behind his brother. “Mikey, are you—!?” He choked on the last of his sentence, suddenly unable to remember how to form words as he came upon the scene near the entrance.

No… it wasn’t possible…

Leo took a ragged breath, relief flooding his eyes at seeing another brother safe and sound. “Don...” Two home. Two safe.

The tall turtle stood motionless, eyelids glued open as he stared in disbelief. His brain frantically tried to logic it out, looking for anything out of place that would prove this was a dream or hallucination of some kind. But while his mind cried foul, his heart skipped, rejoicing. This was… impossible. The explosion had been too large. Too powerful. Even if he’d been able to make it out of the complex somehow, there’s no way he could have swam to safety in time to survive. Illogical. None of it made sense. There’s no way he could have… No way…

“Don, he’s bleeding—Something’s stuck in his side!”

But Don’s mind was frozen. Leo was supposed to be dead.

The explosion knocked the ship off course with it’s shockwave, and they’d been moving at top speed for several minutes. If a speedboat barely managed to outrun the blast radius, then Leo certainly didn’t have the agility required to get to safety in time. And that’s assuming he’d managed to find another way out of the complex that none of them had noticed before. Not to mention the time he must have wasted getting away from Shredder. The math didn’t add up. Leo was dead. He couldn’t be alive. It wasn’t physically possible. Leo was—

_“Don!”_

_“But Leo—“_

_“GO!”_

“Donatello,” Splinter’s voice finally broke Don from his daze, halting his thoughts.

There was blood on the floor.

Leo watched his second youngest sibling, attempting to catch his dodging gaze. Don had a pain in his eyes that was different from Splinter’s or Mikey’s, and Leo could tell it went deeper than shock at his Lazarian return. But the minute he attempted to speak words of comfort, a fierce pain from his side stole the air from his lungs, forcing a gasp from his lips. He felt Mikey’s hand squeeze tighter.

“Donnie…” Say it. Say it all. Before it’s too late. Before—

“How long has this been in here?” Don was suddenly kneeling beside Splinter, examining Leo’s side with gentle hands. The look on his face had gone from horrified to sternly focused, but Leo could still see that lingering fear hiding behind his calm exterior.

“Dunno.” He rasped a painful breath, speaking through the pain with great difficulty. “At least… a few hours.”

Don nodded. He was focused. He was calm. He’d entered ‘doctor mode’ and wouldn’t let anything stand in his way of fixing what was broken.

He was terrified.

Leo was—abandonded him to—Don’s fault, shouldn’t have left him, should never have—But this wasn’t Leo. Couldn’t be. Leo was—

Focus. Too much to look at. The burns, the metal shard, the deformity of his right arm… where to start?

It was torment for all three to hear Leo in so much pain, but that meant he was still feeling. Still alive.

And Don had to focus if he wanted to keep it that way.

The fact that Leo—No, not Leo, a body. Not Leo—hadn’t bled out by now meant the metal in his side hadn’t hit anything vital, but there was no telling what kind of internal damage had been done by all his moving around. Making a mental note about how they could get him to the med bay without causing further damage, Don moved onto checking the arm. It certainly looked like it had been through a massive trauma.

The explosion. Leo stayed behind. Abandoned. Leo was—

As tenderly as possible, Don moved the lower forearm to see all sides and get an idea of the damage, but noticed no signs of flinching at the movement from his patient. “Can you feel this?” He asked, pressing into the center of his injured palm. The elder turtle shook his head. “What about this?” He bent the arm to an upright position, almost hoping to hear a cry of pain. “Can you feel that?” Again, the patient shook his head. “How about—“ A choked cry as Don moved the shoulder answered his question. It was dislocated, probably fractured, but some of the nerves must still be holding on. Good. Unfortunately painful, but good.

It was difficult to see any damage beyond the burn marks, but Don could guess the arm was broken in several places. And judging by the numbness, it was likely his nerves had been fried by whatever scorched his skin. “How did this happen?” He didn’t want to know the answer. Already knew it. Didn’t know how to believe it.

“I don’t…” It took a moment for him to find his breath again and Don noted his voice growing weaker every second. “Explosion, maybe… Can’t remember…”

Exactly what he’d feared. The burns going untreated for so long might mean there was nothing could be done to heal them at this point. But then, with all the miraculous things that had happened these past few weeks, Don was going to try anyway. Who knew, maybe he’d find a magic wand that would make all these injuries disappear and they could all go back to normal as if nothing had happened. Bibbidi, Bobbidi, Boo, just like that.

Not the time for cynicism, Don.

“You can fix him, right?” Mikey was losing what little control he had over his emotions, staring at his genius brother, begging for an affirmative response.

But Don offered none.

His mind was racing with probabilities and calculations, trying to assess how on earth he was going to fix all this. The most immediate danger was the bleeding. Fortunately, his patient had wits enough not to remove the shard, or he likely wouldn’t have made it this far. But that still left one big problem.

“Donatello?” Once again, it was Splinter who pierced Don’s thought barrier.

“Blood. He needs blood.”

“Tell me where it is, I’ll go grab it!” Mikey volunteered immediately, already looking towards his brother’s lab.

“There is none.” Don was trying very hard not to let the panic streaking across Mikey’s face show in his own. He’d been hesitant to use Leo’s packs before the surgery because he knew that meant admitting their brother was never coming back. But when things went south, there were no other options. “We used it all on Raph.”

Leo’s eyes widened at the mention of their brother’s name. “Raph… is he—“

Pain, Don assumed, interrupted the sentence. Remember, pain was good. Pain meant he was feeling. Alive.

Leo was—

“Raph’s fine.” He assured, moving to inspect the patient’s plastron. Same as the arm, he couldn’t tell if anything was broken through all the scorching, but if all this came from the explosion, it was likely. “Still healing, but he’ll be alright.” And with a twinge of humored annoyance, added, “Stubborn as ever.”

“Is that what took you so long?” Mikey asked, looking toward the med bay at the realization that they’d left their brother alone. What if something happened…?

“He thought you were in trouble. ” Don said monotonously, knowing no further explanation was needed. They all knew Raph’s stubbornly protective instincts.

Leo chuckled faintly at the image that floated in front of him of Raph arguing about bed rest. Sounded like the hot-head was doing just fine. Good… that was good…

“Leo? Leo, don’t go to sleep. Don, what do we—“

“Keep him talking, Mikey.” That’s it. Let Mikey focus on Leo, Don needed to focus on the patient. Don’t look him in the eyes, don’t look at Leo. Focus on the patient. The contusion in his side came first. Stop the bleeding, find out what internal damage there was, close it up like it never happened.

Then the arm. Needed treatment; antiseptic, stitches, a cast, the whole works. Needed to call April for supplies. No feeling means his motor functions could be compromised by muscle, tissue or nerve damage, or all three. Wouldn’t know until he got a better look.

“Talking… Right…” Mikey’s area of expertise. And yet words failed him. He couldn’t keep his thoughts together long enough to string a sentence, and even if he could, his voice would shake too much to get it out.

Leo was alive. Dying, but alive. “I… Um…”

Dying…

“’Mikey was here…’”

“What?” Leo’s voice was so faint, everyone almost missed it. The youngest looked down to his brother, every ounce of effort attempting to still his quaking body.

“The tunnel… On the wall… ‘Mikey was here’…” Leo blinked slowly, taking great effort to lift his eyelids again. “Brought me home… Saved me…” He smiled at the memory. Mikey had a gift. “…Wouldn’t be a team without you…”

Mikey’s heart twisted and jerked as he listened to his brother. He remembered the writing on the wall. Remembered because their new leader had come to tell him how important he was. Came to lift him up, like Leo always did.

There was no stopping the fresh tears that fell from his eyes to his brother’s chest. “Leo…” He couldn’t speak, his heart was in too many knots. He felt his brother’s words lift his spirit. Felt the coldness of Leo’s skin freeze his blood. They couldn’t lose him… they couldn’t… They needed him.

Mikey needed him. “Leo, please, you have to—“

“Ok, we need to move him.” Don felt his own emotions boiling over as he listened to his brothers’ conversation and decided to step in before he lost control. Stay distant. Keep calm. Objective. “Mikey, you lift his left side, Sensei his right. Be sure to keep his arm tight against him, we don’t want to strain it any further. I’ll grab his legs.” All three moved into position, lifting on Don’s count.

 

* * *

 

Raph could still feel every muscle tensing as the moments passed, unable to quell his worry as he sat alone in his bed. That scream... Mikey was in trouble, and Raph was practically jumping out of his skin to stand from the bed and make sure everyone was safe. Don was right, he was in no condition to be moving. Even sitting up required enough effort to make him tired. But if Mikey was in trouble, Raph was gonna help him. That’s just the way it was.

Gritting his teeth against the pain, he sent a silent half-hearted apology out to Don for ignoring their agreement as he attempted to stand. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his genius brother to handle whatever trouble was going on—any other time, Raph would have gladly let Don take point, knowing it was likely just Mikey being dramatic over a crashed video game or something equally as stupid—it was that he couldn’t shake this feeling that was festering in his soul. A feeling that made him angry beyond all measure, yet incapacitated and unable to move.

Fear of losing a brother. Another brother. Fear of being too weak or useless to protect them... like he was back in the prison.

The memory of it all gave him enough of a jolt to force his way past his own fatigue and sit fully upright. Without the aid of pillows to keep him erect, it was more difficult than he’d thought to keep from falling back onto his shell. Fortunately, stubbornness had always been Raph’s strong suit. He forced himself past the dizziness, slowly turning to drape his legs over the edge of the bed.

There it was again, growing in intensity... dread. Something was definitely wrong. This wasn’t Mikey being overly dramatic, this was something bad. Very bad. And at this point, Raph didn’t much care what it was, he just knew he had to get to his brothers and make sure it wasn’t stealing them away.

Taking a moment to gather his strength, or what little he had, Raph made a first attempt at standing. But impatience got the best of him, and he opted for stepping from the bed on both feet in one quick motion as opposed to lowering himself down slowly. His body didn’t appreciate the impatience. His feet buckled, not used to holding his weight after lying unused for so long, forcing Raph to the ground in a fall that was anything but graceful. In his haste to stop his descent, he reached for the bedside with his bad arm, immediately regretting it. His entire right shoulder flared with pain, blistering down into his chest as he hit the floor with a thud. It took several moments for the pain to wear off enough for Raph to find his wits again, and when he did, his head felt as though it was twirling on his shoulders. But again, stubbornness won the day, and Raph managed to force himself sitting upright, leaning against the base of the operating table he’d called his bed for the past while. The burning sensation in his shoulder had yet to dissipate, and one look told him why; he was bleeding. Must have popped a stitch in all the commotion.

Shell. Donnie was gonna kill him.

Too late for patience now. After several more minutes of waiting for the room to stand still, Raph gripped the edge of the bed with his good hand, yanking himself up as best he could. The effort was more than his muscle could bear, but the dread still lingering in his veins had hit a tipping point, giving him enough determination to force himself standing again. As he leaned heavily on the table for support, huffing from the effort and annoyed to call it so, his mind couldn’t help picturing what horrors might be attacking his brothers. What if Shredder had—No. Not possible. Leo was gone, but only because he’d made sure to drag that metal-clad bastard with him. Shredder was dead. His brothers were safe. Because Leo was...

The door to the med bay suddenly opened, and Raph turned sharply to see his family enter the room. Oh great. So maybe his imagination had simply run away on him, and Mikey actually had been crying over a video game. Dammit, Don was gonna be pissed if he popped these stitches for nothing.

 

* * *

 

The three moved slowly, but there was no stopping the pain that coursed through Leo’s body. Where they were going to lay him when Raph was occupying the only bed in the med bay, Don was still working out. But for now, just getting him in a sterile area where all his tools were was for the best.

The burns may already be a lost cause, too much time had passed without treatment, which most definitely meant nerve damage. Might be able to try a skin graft to help with some of the scarring, but no guarantees there; he didn’t have the equipment or the skill for that type of procedure.

Mikey was crying.

No, don’t look at Mikey. Focus on the patient. Slowly, they reached the med bay. No more beds, but at least it was more sterile than the rest of the lair. They could just lay him on the—

Raph was standing. Or barely holding himself up, more like. After arguing for five minutes, Don thought he’d made himself clear, no moving! Stubborn as ever. And he was bleeding through his bandages. Pulled a stitch, or several. If he didn’t sit down, his body might force him to pass out again.

“Raph, you weren’t supposed to—You tore your stitches again.” No time, there was no time for this! Leo needed—

No, not Leo, the patient. Leo was—Focus on the patient.

As a retort formed in his mouth, Raph finally saw what it was they were carrying into the room and felt the words disappear into irrelevance. The blood drained from his features as he stared at the body they placed beside him on the bed: Leonardo. Eyes open. Awake.

Alive.

Raph’s legs suddenly felt less stable as his mind reeled with questions, voicing none of them. They didn’t matter. In that moment, nothing else did. Not the pain, the dizziness, or the blood seeping through his bandages.

Leo was alive.

Don wasted no more time. At least with the bed free they had a place to lay the patient down. Send Splinter for the First Aid kit in the lab—should have some burn treatment supplies in there—and have Mikey fetch the gauze, keep him occupied and not panicking. Raph’s not moving, or blinking, or speaking. Was he breathing? Just standing there, staring at Leo with a deep frown on his face.

A mountain. Immovable.

But his skin was pale, still bleeding. Would have to stitch him up again. No no, the patient first. April was coming back with supplies, he’d have to ask for more ointment for Leo. They used it all on themselves. And he’d need blood—also something they’d usurped for their own injuries.

Selfish. So damn selfish.

Abandoned his own brother to—

“Raph…” Once again, relief swelled in Leo’s eyes as he finally caught sight of his third sibling. He blinked wearily to hide his concern at how ragged Raph looked. At least he was healing. He was here.

All three were here. Safe.

They’d made it.

Leo’s eyes felt heavier every time he blinked. He was numb to everything but the pain, and his lungs had finally conceded to the poking of his ribs and resigned to inhaling shallow, hollow breaths. His world was fading,

 _He_ was fading.

But he’d kept his promise. They’d all made it out, all four of them.

Don broke through the fog of his mind, barking orders in that calm, methodical voice that Leo knew meant he was trying not to panic.

“—from my lab. Mikey, the tray on the counter, grab the gauze.”

As Don was sending the others on errands, gathering supplies, all Raph could do was stare. This mangled, disfigured body belonged to his older brother. The one who’d stayed behind. The one they’d lost. The one who’d saved him from the endless dark, telling him to find home.

And he was in pain. Hiding it pretty well, as Leo usually did, but there were moments it was uncontainable. Moments that Raph could feel strangling his composure. His hands curled instinctively into fists as emotions he didn’t have the strength or energy to process blazed through his body.

He didn’t know what to think. Being that he’d only been awake for a few days, Raph hadn’t had an opportunity to digest Leo’s passing. Admittedly, he was likely still in the throws of heavy denial. So to see Leo here now was… confusing. Raph didn’t know whether to thank the universe for giving his brother back, or shout mockingly in it’s face for having been right. A deep frown carved into his face as he remained deep in thought, completely oblivious to everyone and everything.

Except Leo.

Don did not have that luxury.

They needed blood. Raph was compatible, but there’s no way he could donate right now, too weak as it was. Mikey was the wrong blood type, universal acceptor, not donor. Don could donate, but if he passed out from blood loss, the patient would—

Stop the bleeding first. Then figure it out. Had to stop the bleeding. Ready the gauze to staunch the flow when he pulled the—Raph was going to pass out.

“Raph, sit down or I will sedate you, I swear.”

Leo smiled, though he couldn’t tell if it reached his lips. Couldn’t feel it. Couldn’t feel anything except the cold.

Don had to move quickly. Leo’s skin was freezing. Leo—the patient needed heat. The blanket he’d made for Mikey could help. Have Sensei run and—Gauze. Get the gauze. Need to pull out the shrapnel. Who knows what internal damage was done already. Steady. Needed to be steady. Calm and—Needed to call April to come with supplies now for—No, the wound couldn’t wait. He’d have to get creative with how to close it. Did he have any staples left in his—

Mikey was shaking. Afraid. They’d been through all this just a few days ago, they knew what would happen. Bracycardia. Flat line.

Gone. Again.

Dead.

Stop staring at Raph and focus. Raph was alive. But the patient wouldn’t be if—

“Leo, stay awake, dude. Keep talking.” Let Mikey focus on Leo.

“Thought talking was…” Leo shivered and felt it echo through to his bones. “your specialty…”

“If you insist, but I’m going to start telling embarrassing toddler stories again.”

The words sounded like Mikey, but the despair behind them didn’t belong. “Again?”

“We were sharing Raph stories while he was out.” Mikey shuddered as gripped his brother’s hand for dear life. Leo was so cold! And breathless, too. Not at all the strong commanding voice he was used to hearing from their leader. It made Mikey’s dread sink deep into his spirit. He was trying to be strong, trying to comfort but all he could think about was Raph’s lifeless body and how much worse Leo’s looked.

What if he didn’t—

“Do tell.” Leo glanced to his right. Raph wasn’t reacting. Mikey wasn’t feeling his jokes. And Don was just a hairs breath from losing his demeanor to panic. It wasn’t right. They weren’t right. They should be smiling, laughing at each other, speaking of their victory with pride and revelry. But they weren’t themselves. Shredder had stolen them. Shredder had stolen his brothers…

“Leo?” Mikey squeezed his good arm yet again, but he barely felt it. Slipping away… He heard Sensei come back into the room, but the edges around his vision were disappearing. Going black.

Dragging him back to the dark.

Panic scorched through his body like a brushfire. Not there. Not alone. Not again! Muscle memory was quick to act, containing the emotion from showing in his face.

But Raph saw it. It was an emotion so foreign to Leo’s face, Raph almost didn’t recognize it. But he’d seen it there before. In that place. That black pit of endless nothing. When Leo had told him to keep going, even as he was doubled over in pain.

Fear.

Fear of the darkness. Of the void. Of that peaceful silhouette where death lurked, tempting and ominous.

Raph knew that fear intimately.

Without thought, he placed a firm hand on his brother’s uninjured chest to let him know he was there. They were all there. “We got you, bro. You’re home.” He leaned in close to Leo’s ear, whispering fiercely. “Just don’t quit on us now.”

The eldest turtle unwittingly sighed a breath of relief. It would never cease to amaze him how skilled Raph was at calming fright. Just like Sensei. Strong and immoveable against the waves of horror that crashed against them constantly. Where most would cower and fall to their knees, Raph would stand tall and firm.

A pillar of strength. A true leader.

Had Leo ever told him that?

As he stared at his immediate younger brother, struck by the ferocity that had returned to his eyes, a cold cloth was placed on his forehead as he heard Splinter whispering a healing mantra under his breath. His Father sounded more broken than Leo ever remembered hearing.

But such thoughts began to fade as his eyelids fell together. Leo wasn’t sure he knew how to open them again. Too tired.

Don noticed, barely able to remember not to panic. No, no! He had to stay awake until Don could close the wound and find him some blood. “Leo? Leo, look at me.” No, not at me. Look at Mikey, Mikey was happiness. Hope. Don was guilty. Look at Mikey. Look at Raph. Just open your eyes!

Don’s commanding voice was barely heard above the sound of Leo’s lungs grappling for air. So tired… exhausted. For too long. Couldn’t fight any longer. “Leo!” There it was again. Panic in Don’s voice. And if he didn’t know any better, guilt.

Using what felt like every ounce of energy he could muster, the eldest turtle forcefully peeled his eyelids open, looking to his genius brother. It was the first time he’d caught Don’s eyes since he got home. Those wide, terrified eyes…

The patient was awake. Stop panicking and focus, Don. He was awake, he was— Looking at him. Looking at Don. Staring into his selfish soul. Leo’s blue, blameless eyes, staring… Leo’s…

Leo was alive.

This wasn’t a patient, this was their brother. His big brother.

Their leader. Their eldest.

This was Leonardo.

Alive.

Don’s heart nearly stopped.

“Donnie…”

He froze, his doctor façade all but fading as he fell into the eldest’s stare, allowing all the pain he’d been harboring these past few weeks to pass through his features.

Leo could only offer a weak smile and sympathetic eyes as he forced himself to speak, finally understanding. Don had left him to protect the others. Don had saved their family. Made the hard choice in an impossible situation. Now Don was hurting because of it.

And Leo refused to go without relieving him of that guilt.

“Thank you.”

Only two words, but Donatello knew. Knew exactly what Leo was saying without having to say it. Forgiveness. Not to blame. Leo didn’t blame him. Leo forgave him. Was thanking him for getting the others out. Leo was…

Alive.

The void was creeping in.

There was so much more Leo wanted to say, to all three of them. And to Sensei. But words no longer formed in his mouth. His eyes closed of their own volition as darkness came upon him with ferocity.

But this time, he wasn’t afraid.

With Raph to his right, Mikey to his left, Don frozen in front of him, and Sensei behind to watch over them all, he knew they were all safe. Here. Surrounding him with care and worry.

His family.

Home at last.

He could finally rest.

Something inside Don shattered as he watched his brother’s eyes close once more, refusing to open despite their family’s pleas.

“Leonardo!” Splinter tried to keep his son’s spirit with them, but he could sense it fading quickly, stealing whatever calm he had left.

Raph felt Leo’s chest settling into stillness as breath became fewer and farther between. As concerning as it had been to see the pain in his brother’s face, seeing him fall in unconsciousness was far more terrifying. What if he was giving up? “Don’t you dare, Fearless.” He practically snarled under his breath, glaring at Leo’s uncharacteristically placid features.

Couldn’t let the darkness have him. Wouldn’t.

“Leo? Leo!? Come on, bro, open your eyes!” But Mikey could already feel his brother’s muscles relaxing into unconsciousness, hand going slack beneath his grip.

Just like when Raph—

“N-NO! Leo, don’t—“ Mikey shuddered as desperation set in, putting a hand to Leo’s uninjured shoulder, as though holding him tight enough would force him to wake. The young turtle’s spirit had barely survived losing his brother once, there was no way it could endure a second time. ”Come on bro, you can’t just leave us like this! Not again!” The brokenness of his voice was enough to sever even the coldest of hearts.

What if Leo was—Again!—what if he was—

Hysterical eyes turned to his older brother. “Don, what do we—“

But Don was silent and still, frozen in his own thoughts with tears now streaming down his face.

Donnie was crying, and Mikey suddenly didn’t know how to hold off the despair. “…Don?”

The tall turtle remained motionless. His heart was beating too fast. Needed to focus, get the metal out—his hands were trembling. Focus. Focus!

“It’ll be OK, Mikey.” He finally said, forcing his mind and body into motion.

Forgiven. Just like that. Leo was— “It’ll be OK.”

Just hold on. Don’t let go. Hold on, Leo. No room for failure this time. Not again.

Focus. Leo could make it. Leo could—

Forgiven.

Alive.

Dying.

Couldn’t stop the tears.

 


	30. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here she is. At last. Honestly, I don't know how happy I am with it, but that might have something to do with how many times I've reread it at this point. 
> 
> I reserve the right to edit as need be.

_Move. Forward. Throw Shredder and head for the ship._

_Can’t. Shredder’s too fast. My brothers. He’ll kill my brothers._

_“Come on, Fearless!”_

_Three minutes left. No time. They have to leave. They have to get out. They won’t want to. I don’t want them to. I don’t want to leave them. Don’t want to give Shredder the satisfaction. But there’s no time._

_They have to go._

_“Donnie, take off!”_

_They’re scared. Won’t leave. Donnie’s logical, he’ll understand._

_They have to go._

_“Come on Leo, this is no time for playing hero!”_

_I’m not. I’m no hero, and I’m not playing. I’m the leader, the eldest. I’m doing what’s necessary to keep them safe._

_I wish there was another way._

_I don’t want to play martyr._

_I don’t want to lose my family forever. I don’t want them to hurt because I’m gone. But they need to be safe. I need them to be safe. Can’t watch them die. Won’t._

_“Damn right Fearless, get your ass in here!”_

_That name. I’m not. I’m afraid. Terrified. I’m losing my family. Losing myself. Losing to Shredder._

_I’m failing. Already failed._

_I am afraid. I—_

_Shredder broke free! Don’t let him go! Don’t let him get to the others! Hold strong, just a little longer._

_“I can’t hold him forever!” We’re out of time. “Just get going! You’ve got less than three minutes!” Less than three minutes of being a family. Of being together._

_They have to go._

_“Dude, we’re not leaving you!”_

_They’re not listening. They’re not listening!! Go, run, get away!_

_I am going to die. But they don’t have to._

_“You don’t have a choice.”_

_I can see it. I can see understanding turn to horror, ripping them apart, tearing out their hearts and crushing them under heel._

_I’m sorry. So sorry. I didn’t want this. I don’t want to leave._

_But better me, than you. Always._

_“Go Donnie.”_

_Can’t let them see my fear. Can’t let them doubt. Can’t make them live with that. Show strength. Show resolve._

_“Like hell we’re leaving—“_

_“Don!” You have to. You know you have to. You know._

_You have to go. Be safe._

_“But Leo—“_

_LIVE._

_“GO!”_

_The doors are shut. My fate is sealed._

_But my brothers are free._

_Safe._

_“Goodbye…”_

_I don’t want to die._

_“LEONARDO!”_

Leonardo’s eyes snapped open, brining him from his meditation without warning. His body remained unmoving, sitting calmly in lotus position, the only indication of his nightmares from the beads of sweat trickling down his furrowed brow.

It still haunted him… how close they’d come to dying in that dank prison. How close he’d allowed them all to come.

It was a failure beyond anything he’d ever experienced before. A failure that would terrorize his every dream, day or night, probably for the rest of his life.

They had been lucky. So very lucky. And a leader didn’t rely on luck to keep his team safe.

Unfolding his legs, Leo attempted to stand, using the bench beside him for support. Even after six months of recovery he was still unsteady on his feet. Still weak. But he was tired of resting, tired of waiting to get better. He had to get back to training. To know if he could still train…

Breathing deep as he unsheathed his sword, Leo prepared for his first kata. He’d been in the dojo to meditate most every day, all day, but now it was time for practice. This wasn’t his first attempt, last time had ended with him passed out on the floor after only a few minutes of exertion. Hopefully, today would prove more fruitful, both for his and his brother’s sakes (they had been more than a little angry at his attempts to train in his condition). If all went well, he would finish practice before any of his siblings woke up.

Closing his eyes and focusing his mind, Leo stepped into first position. His muscles were sore and stiff, but he pushed through, his body eager to work. He hadn’t been expecting his scars to be so inhibitory; the mangled mesh of grafted skin covering the entire right side of his body was tight, restricting his movements greatly. Yet another obstacle he would have to work through.

After several minutes of simply trying to find his center and relax his body, Leo finally felt stable enough to continue. Moving into second position, muscle memory presented a problem, shifting him in a way he could no longer balance. The sudden kilter caught him off guard and he fell abruptly to the floor, only barely managing to bring a hand down to prevent his face from kissing the mats.

You never realize how much you need something until it’s gone, Leo thought wryly.

Requiring much more effort that expected, it took several minutes to sit himself back up with only slightly more grace than which he fell. He brought a hand to his right shoulder, checking to make sure he hadn’t ruined any of Don’s good work by reopening a wound. Everything seemed in tact. Though it certainly wasn’t going to let him get away without any pain. And not just in the shoulder.

He still felt it sometimes. Felt pain tingle down his arm, past his elbow, into his hand. Most days it was so convincing, he had to look and feel with his other arm just to believe it wasn’t real.

Phantom limb pain.

Not unusual, according to Don, but that didn’t make it any less sensational to experience. Supposedly it would fade in time, but at the moment it was a distraction Leo found very difficult to ignore.

For the most part it hadn’t been as arduous as he expected to prepare himself for the adjustments needed for living with one arm. While right handed by birth, he’d always kept up a certain level of ambidexterity in the event his right arm was rendered useless in battle. Time would be needed to fully adjust, of course, but Leo knew he could find a way to work through the bigger changes he’d have to face. He’d never met a training challenge he couldn’t face head on.

Though it was difficult to see how he could ever be as good as he was. After all, his attack power had literally been cut in half.

Fighting aside, it was the small things that caught him most off guard. The things you don’t think about using an arm for. Balance, for example. Walking as far as the dojo from the med bay had left him feeling left-heavy, like he was leaning to one side and couldn’t straighten out. Reaching for an outstretched hand was another. Three months ago—the first time Don had allowed him to sit up in bed—Mikey offered his hand to help Leo up, and the elder had only laid there, staring, trying to reach with a limb no longer attached to him. A quick correction had followed, hopefully without notice by the others, but it was odd to think of all the small things he’d have to do left handed now. All the things he wouldn’t be able to do at all.

He sighed.

What’s done was done. He was alive, and by all accounts, that was a miracle.

He would be grateful.

 

* * *

 

_“Leo!” April cried as she rushed to his side, her eyes alight with horror at the sight of his burns and mangled arm. There was so much blood on the floor._

_“Oh man…” Casey whispered, a similar look in his features._

_“April, do you have the supplies?”_

_The red-head didn’t even hear Don’s question as she stared at the unconscious turtle. What she wouldn’t give to have seen him open his eyes just then. To know he was—_

_“April!”_

_“Y-Yes.” She shook her head, forcing all emotions down to make way for objective focus. “Everything but the atropine.”_

_Don figured as much. “Get out the needle and start drawing blood from Raph.”_

_April did as instructed, not bothering to protest the idea of taking blood from a guy who was still recovering from severe injuries. Don always had his reasons._

_Casey could only stand, gawking. “What the hell happened, Donnie? I thought… I thought Leo was…”_

_“So did I.” Don mumbled as he grabbed the burn ointment and applied it to the areas he thought were salvageable. “The explosion should’ve—There’s no way he—It doesn’t matter.” He grabbed the gauze and moved to Leo’s side, pulling out his makeshift stitches of sewing thread and preparing to redo the job properly._

_Casey stepped closer, trying to calm the nausea that rose up at closer inspection of Leo’s injuries. He looked like he’d been blown half to hell. “Anything I can do?”_

_“Come and help me with—“_

_“Raph!” April cried in surprise as the muscular turtle nearly fell on top of her before Casey caught him. “See, this is why I told you to sit down!_

_“M’fine.” He mumbled, grabbing his head to ward off the dizziness. April had barely taken a pint of blood and already he felt like he was going to pass out._

_“No you’re not.” Casey used his foot to pull a stool closer. “Sit. Or I’ll make you sit.”_

_Raph managed a weak smirk. “I would love to see you try.”_

_“Later.” April cut in, holding the bag up as blood poured in. Once filled, she pulled the needle from Raph’s arm and moved to hook it up to Leo, nodding at Casey to stand near Raph in case he fainted. He was starting to look pale again. “What’s the plan, Donnie?”_

_“Scrub up.” He said, finally finishing his stitches. “We need to crack open his plastron to set his ribs right.”_

_“You what!?” Mikey suddenly snapped his eyes over to Don._

_“It’s the only way to get to the bones.” An unfortunate setback to being a turtle. “Don’t worry, it’ll heal.” Wiping the sweat from his brow as he threw out the blood soaked gauze, Don looked at his brother’s vitals on the monitor: low, but still stable. He only prayed that lasted through the surgery. Turning to Splinter, Don gave an apologetic look. “I need everyone out.” He couldn’t do this with his family standing around watching his every move._

_“Ain’t no way I’m—“_

_“Raphael,” Splinter interrupted. “Your brother needs room to work. We will wait outside.” It wasn’t a request._

_Raph absolutely hated the idea of being stuck outside the room, not knowing if Leo would be alive when the doors opened again. But he wasn’t about to argue with Sensei. With help from Casey, he stood and walked slowly to the door, glancing over his shoulder at his older brother. He better damn well pull through this._

_Mikey stared at Leo, heart breaking at knowing he couldn’t stay by his side. But it was for the best. Donnie would fix him up and then he’d be awake and talking before he knew it. Giving his brother’s hand one more reassuring squeeze, Mikey stood from his chair and walked out with Splinter’s paw on his shoulder._

_“It will be alright, my sons.” He spoke, taking one last glimpse at his pale eldest before closing the door behind him. “Your brother will be alright.”_

_Please… let it be so._

 

* * *

 

Standing once more, Leo prepared his stance again, determined to make it through his routine before the others woke and found him practicing. They were sure to throw a harsh-because-we-care lecture in his face for training when he wasn’t supposed to, but Leo couldn’t help it. He needed to do this. Needed to know…

Crouching to better balance himself, Leo swung his katana up and into his next kata. It felt good to be moving again. Felt good to be in control of something again. He took a deep breath, enjoying the stillness, the quiet, and the peace. Even his sore muscles relaxed at being back in familiar exercise. It was good to be—

_“Don?” Leo put a hand to his neck but felt no pulse._

_“Come on bro, we’re so close. You can’t do this now. Don…”_

_“DONNIE!”_

Leo fell out of his kata, barely able to keep himself from tumbling to the floor again. It was amazing how powerful they still were… the images, the voices, the fear. All of it. Every time he felt he was moving past it, a memory would slam him back behind those prison bars where he could do nothing but watch his brothers suffer in front of him. Could do nothing but watch… It took great effort to shake them off and remember his family was safe now. Remember how to breathe.

But while the fear would dissipate, the guilt never did. Never would. Not when his family had been so direly wounded by his horrible leadership.

During the first few months of his recovery, his family had filled in Sensei, April, and Casey about their time in the prison, leaving out unnecessary details that would only bother them to hear. But it was those details that needed to be talked out the most. In the weeks to follow, conversation steered as far away from the prison as possible, until it was no longer spoken of at all. Not by his brothers, Sensei, or their friends.

They were avoiding it. Avoiding the memories, avoiding the fear. Avoiding each other’s pain. No one was willing to open up. And because of it, no one was moving on.

Raph became unusually quiet and placid and barely spoke to anyone in anything but grunts or brief eye contact, Mikey would barely look Raph in the eyes without appearing like he wanted to run screaming from the room, and Donnie had cut out everyone by shutting himself in his lab most hours of the day. Even Casey and April seemed more distant when they visited.

Everyone felt responsible for what happened, and no one wanted to talk about it.

For Leo, the worst part was seeing the way his brothers looked at him. Sympathy, pity, pain, it all made him feel… less. Made him feel his failure all the more potently. But he would take their looks of pity over avoidance. Up until a few weeks ago, they had all been keeping their distance, like they were afraid he would break if they got too close. Don especially. He avoided Leo like the plague, only speaking to him when checking on his injuries. And even then he avoided eye contact as much as possible.

They were still a mess. Shredder had done his job well, and it hurt Leo to watch. He missed his brothers… missed being a family. But there are some things in life that can’t be rushed, or so he told himself.

The past few weeks had been better. He’d finally spoken openly with Don, hopefully absolving him of whatever guilt he’d harbored, and Mikey was creeping back to his old eccentric ways, avoiding Raph less and less.

They were finally healing. Emotionally and physically. It looked like most of them would escape with little more than a small scar or two, which Leo imagined was also partly why his brothers avoided him for so long; his appearance was much more tarnished than the others. Aside from the obvious missing limb, the right side of his body was tattered with burn scars and grafted skin, particularly around his shoulder, collar bone, and face. Even parts of his shell were left half a shade darker from the scolding heat of the explosion.

The explosion that somehow hadn’t claimed his life.

To Leo, they were deserved; injuries and scars he’d earned through his own failure as a leader. But to his brothers they were likely a reminder of what almost happened. What they hadn’t been able to save him from.

_“Don!”_

_“But Leo—“_

_“GO!”_

_“LEONARDO!”_

Sighing a long, tranquil breath, Leo closed his eyes, allowing the memory to pass. It would be alright. His brothers were the most resilient people in the world, they’d proven it time and again. They’d been through the toughest of battles and craziest adventures and were always able to put it behind them. They could make it through this.

 

* * *

 

 

_“He’s burning up!” Mikey’s fearful cry was barely heard above Don’s frantic thinking. Pulse racing, rapid breathing, high fever; all signs that the infection in Leo’s arm was not only staying strong, but growing and spreading like wildfire. The antiseptics April brought were over-the-counter and not nearly strong enough to stay whatever bacteria had made their home in Leo’s body. If Don had been able to get to it sooner, perhaps he could have—Or maybe if he had some penicillin—but they were running out of time and Don was running out of ideas._

_“Don!” Raph’s worried voice jolted him from his thoughts. He turned to see Leo shaking like a leaf. “What’s wrong with him!?”_

_“He’s shivering.”_

_“But he’s boiling hot!”_

_“I know, that’s how fevers—“_

_A low moan escaping Leo’s lips cut him off. He was in pain… still in pain! It had been days since he’d come back and everything had only gotten worse. They’d managed to patch him up pretty well, but the infection in his arm was wreaking havoc on his body. They’d already burned through all the supplies April had brought, and Leo was no closer to winning his fight against the illness. Don made sure to keep his hands steady, keep calm on the outside, but everything inside was screaming._

_They had Leo back. He was alive. Here. Against all odds, he was here. And they were losing him all over again. If they couldn’t stop the infection from spreading, Leo would—_

_No. Don stopped that train of thought dead in it’s tracks. Leo was not going to die. Don wouldn’t let it happen. Not again. Not EVER again._

_There was one thing that could stop the infection. If it saved Leo’s life—But they didn’t have any more medication strong enough to numb the pain. If he did this, Leo would feel it. Every bit of it._

_It was the only way._

_“Mikey,” Don looked over at his youngest brother who’s worried eyes only glanced away from Leo briefly. “I need you to go to my room and find my detailing goggles, the ones with the different sized magnifying glasses attached.”_

_“What for?”_

_“I’m going to get a closer look at Leo’s side, just to make sure it’s not infected like his arm.”_

_“I got it Don, what do they—?”_

_“No, Casey, I need you here. But Sensei, maybe you could go with him, help him find them faster.”_

_The room looked at Don quizzically as he turned away to take stock of his supplies._

_“You really need both of us looking?” Mikey asked, extremely reluctant to leave his brother’s side._

_“I need them quickly. The faster the better.” Don kept his shell to his brother as he sifted through equipment, choosing his tools carefully. Splinter stood, ushering his youngest out of the room._

_“Do not fear, my son. Leonardo will be here when we return.” Splinter moved to Donatello, giving his shoulder a light squeeze. Don didn’t know how, but Sensei clearly knew what he was planning and was going along with the ruse. For Mikey’s sake._

_Mikey was still hesitant. What if something happened while he was gone? Giving Leo’s hand a final squeeze, he stood, placing a hand on his brother’s head and leaning close. “Stay strong, Leo.” He whispered before turning to Don. “We’ll be right back!” And both he and Splinter headed out of the med bay._

_“Donnie?” April’s questioning tone asked what they were all wondering._

_“I’m going to need you three to help.”_

_“With what?” Casey prodded again, still not understanding._

_“April, you’ll staunch the blood flow while I sew him up,”_

_Raph stood, uneasy both in stance and mind. “And us?”_

_Don turned, facing the others with his small, utility sized bone saw, clenching his jaw in place as he set his eyes resolutely. “I need you to hold him still.”_

_As Mikey and Splinter walked towards Don’s room, the young turtle stared at the floor dismally. “Don doesn’t really need his goggles, does he?”_

_Splinter turned to his son who had stopped walking, glancing at his Father with knowing, terrified eyes. “No, my son.” He said quietly, placing his hand on Michelangelo’s shell._

_“That’s what I thought.”_

_Splinter held his son tight against him as Mikey buried his face in his Father’s robe, trying to drown out the pained screams coming from behind the doors._

_“Leo…”_

_Mikey cried._

 

* * *

 

 

Another deep inhale as he appreciated breathing without the hindrance of his rib poking the air from his lungs, Leo moved back into position, preparing his next kata. Ignore the distractions, focus on training. The others were sure to wake soon.

Sweat beaded down his skin, his body feeling faint from exertion. But his muscles easily flowed through each position, remembering their way as they went and enjoying the familiarity of it. For several minutes he flowed through his routine, slowly and with more difficulty, but a tranquility in his spirit that had been missing for far too long.

Unfortunately, fatigue set in quickly, stealing his peace of mind as he fought to keep himself upright. He could keep going. It was an easy routine, he could finish.

As he moved heavily into his next position, raising his blade above his head, a sudden twitch in his right shoulder sent pain coursing down his side and knocking him off balance once more. Reflexively attempting to catch himself with a limb no longer there, Leo unceremoniously crashed to the floor, his weapon skidding across the mat to land at a pair of feet standing at the entrance.

It took a moment for Leo to shake his head of the dizziness and get a grip on the pain, but he was quick to pull himself together once he noticed someone watching him from the door.

“Don’s gonna pitch a fit if he sees you in here trainin’.” Raph spoke gruffly, picking up the katana at his feet and trying to hide the worry in his eyes.

“You’re one to talk.” Leo retorted, noting the light sheen of sweat across his brother’s brow, proof enough that he’d been doing his own training this morning. “I thought Don confiscated your sai until further notice.”

“He did. Didn’t take down my punching bag though.”

Raph smacked a fist into his palm to emphasize his point, making Leo grin momentarily, until the slight grimace of pain that passed through Raph’s face as he flexed his right hand wiped it away. “It still hurt?”

Raph didn’t reply right away, looking to his hand as he curled it back into a fist. “A bit. Grip’s not as solid, but…” He glanced at Leo’s right shoulder. “It’s fine.” Handing back the katana, Raph looked to the bench where it’s partner sat alone. “What about you?” He nodded to the lonely blade. “Must be weird.”

“It’s taking some getting used to.” Leo admitted. Truthfully, it was almost more upsetting having lost the ability to wield both katanas than it was forfeiting his arm. His swords were very much a part of him, and losing one was like… well, like losing a limb.

“Knowing you, you’ll be a master in a month.” The scoff in his voice was not unnoticed.

“We’ll see.” Leo turned to hide the sadness that crossed his features as he twirled his weapon into it’s sheath and placed the blade beside it’s counterpart. “You talk to Mikey yet?”

“Sort of.” Raph nodded. It hadn’t been much of a conversation, but it had been necessary. “Kid’s finally stopped avoiding me. Never thought I’d actually miss hearing his annoying voice.”

Leo chuckled. “That bad?”

“He was… off.” Raph folded his arms, glaring at the floor. “Even when he laughed—which was almost never the past few months—he looked sad. And anytime I coughed or winced or blinked for too long he’d get this look on his face like I was—“

“—Dying?”

Raph huffed, peering at Leo through frustrated eyes. “He did it to you too, you know.”

“Sometimes.” Leo admitted. “But he’d usually get distracted trying to take my mind off this.” He rubbed his stump of a shoulder, smiling slightly as he recalled all the ridiculous toddler tales Mikey had spun any time Leo so much as glanced at his right side. “You can’t blame him. I hear your recovery was rather… dramatic.” No details were given since no one seemed inclined to talk about it in depth, but he’d been told the gist. “The fact that he’s bounced back as quickly as he has in impressive.”

“More dramatic than that?” Raph scoffed, nodding to Leo’s missing limb. “I doubt it.”

“You died, Raph.”

“So did you, Leo.” Raph’s eyes met his brother’s with a pain in them that made Leo sigh in resignation. He almost missed the days when Raph would only look at him with contempt.

“Technically I was never dead. Only presumed.” Leo bent to pick up his weapons, putting them back in their place on the wall one at a time. He could feel Raph’s glare boring a hole in his shell. “…I’m…sorry, Raph. For staying behind. I know you don’t like it when I—”

“Forget it, Fearless. We both know you better, you’re not sorry at all.”

Leo couldn’t help but grin. “No, but I thought—“

“You did the right thing.” Raph hated saying it out loud, tensing and refusing to meet Leo’s eyes as he spoke. “We wouldn’ta made it out if you hadn’t…” He sighed angrily. “Not that I’m saying you should make a habit out of it or nothin’, ‘cause you’re still an idiot for doing it, but…” Finally, he looked up at his brother, forcing himself to hold his gaze. “Thanks.”

Walking closer, Raph shoved a finger in his brother’s face. “Don’t EVER do it again.”

Leo was taken off guard by the gratitude, expecting a lecture on his poor leadership choices as opposed to a thank you. He mentally chastised himself for assuming his brother’s contempt. “I make no promises. That’s what brothers do.”

Raph rolled his eyes, unable to hide a slight chuckle. “Which reminds me,”

Leo suddenly saw Raph’s fist coming at his face, but his muscles were too slow to block. His chin caught the best of it, toppling him to the floor. Rubbing his chin, Leo looked up at his brother, bewildered. “What was that for!?”

“I told you if you pulled a stunt like that again, I’d clock ya one.”

While the memory was still fresh in Leo’s mind, it was surprising that Raph remembered it as well. “That was a long time ago.”

“Memory of an elephant.” Raph tapped his temple with a grin before offering his brother a hand.

Leo took it, pulling himself up unsteadily before rubbing his chin again. “And the right hook of a gorilla.”

“Consider yourself lucky you’re healing. I still owe you for throwing me like a football.”

“Speaking of, you could stand to lose a few pounds.” Leo felt his legs buckling under him and grabbed his brother’s arm to steady himself. Not that he enjoyed being a punching bag, but it was relieving to see his injury hadn’t changed anything; Raph wasn’t going to treat him like an invalid, and that knowledge alone made his impairment easier to deal with. Raph was still worried, to be sure, but the pity was gone. And that made all the difference. Now if he could get Mikey and Don to do the same.

“You alright?” Raph finally asked, worried he’d gone too far too soon.

“Fine. Just tired.” Leo kept his breathing steady, working not to show how truly exhausted he was. He felt like he’d run a marathon with his shoulder in a vice. Six months and he was still this weak…

“Come on.” Raph turned, slinging Leo’s arm over his shoulder. “I’ll walk you back.”

Leo’s first instinct was to refuse, but he held his tongue. This was the longest conversation he’d had with his brother since coming home and he didn’t want to end it with an argument.

Raph moved slowly, noting that every step had Leo leaning more weight on him. Fearless had pushed himself too hard, what else was new? As they walked towards the door, Raph couldn’t help but glance at his brother’s right shoulder. He doubted the terror of that operation would ever leave him, not after what he’d had to do… but Leo clearly held no grudges or regrets. Even so, Raph couldn’t shake the guilt. He suddenly stopped, gripping his brother’s arm over his shoulder slightly tighter as his muscles tensed.

Leo glanced at Raph, confused by his sudden change in demeanor. “…Raph?”

“I’m…” Raph mentally sighed at how difficult it was to say the words. “I’m sorry… ‘bout your arm. ‘Bout… all of it.” He had no idea what his own recovery was like, but if it was anything as traumatic as Leo’s, Raph couldn’t blame his younger brothers for their timidity in talking about it. ‘Touch and go’ was officially his least favorite phrase, because it didn’t even begin to describe how terrifying it’d been watching Leo suffer those few weeks, not knowing if he’d make it out alive or not. Especially the operation… it was a scene that played out in his nightmares constantly.

And it was all because they’d left him behind.

Leo didn’t reply right away. He accepted his brothers’ apologies every time they gave them because he knew they needed to deal with their guilt in their own ways. And while he couldn’t fathom how on earth they blamed themselves for what happened, he was more than willing to offer consolation. “Not your fault.” He glanced at his brother’s healing chest, a scar forming over the stab wounds and under the cracked piece of plastron. “Could have been worse.” Much worse.

Raph noticed his stare and shook his head; of course Leo would accept losing a limb to save their lives. Of course he wouldn’t be pissed. Of course he would just pick himself up and dust himself off and continue on like nothing ever happened.

Such innocuous pragmatism normally stirred Raph’s rage to a boiling point, but for once, he was grateful for Leo’s practical personality.

Continuing his slow step, Raph turned his face away from his brother so as not to give away the relief he felt. “Let’s put a pin in that thought.” And never speak of it again.

 

* * *

 

_“Bring me the young one.”_

_More pain. More torture. At least it wasn’t his brothers, but he still didn’t look forward to the—_

_“Take me!”_

_Wait, no! This couldn’t be happening! Raph wasn’t actually going to—_

_“…If you insist.”_

_Taken. Taken away. All because Mikey was too weak to—_

_—a cry bellowed through the room, drowning the turtles in bone-chilling anguish. Another scream quaked from Raph’s body._

_What was happening to him!? What was Shredder doing to Raph!?_

_“I-...I can’t hear him breathing…”_

_“Raph?”_

_His brother was dying. Blood everywhere. Something else was screaming…_

_The machine._

_No breath. No life._

_He was—Raph was—Couldn’t be! No, this was wrong! Raph couldn’t be—because of him! Because of Mikey! Volunteered for—He couldn’t be—_

_“Your brother has fought long and hard. It is time we let him rest.”_

_Flatline._

_Gone._

_“RAPH!!”_

_NO!_

_Mikey jolted awake, sweat pouring down his temple to his neck. His heart beat so fast he could barely breathe._

_The same nightmare… every night. Every night for the past two months. And it still scared him. Terrified him._

_Closing his eyes to hold back the tears, Mikey brought his knees to his chest and hugged them close, silently waiting for the fear to go away. Everything would be alright. It was just a dream. Just a—_

_Suddenly there was an arm over his shoulder, and Mikey could already feel his body relaxing. He opened his eyes, blinking away the moisture, and looked up to see Raph sitting next to him, avoiding eye contact. Guilt staked his heart, as it did every time he’d been around Raph since he woke up, and Mikey’s first reaction was to run from it. Run from the guilt. Run from Raph._

_But he couldn’t pull away._

_As if reading his thoughts, Raph’s arm wrapped further over Mikey’s shoulders, pulling him close against his plastron._

_Mikey felt his guilt grow, pounding his heart even faster. It took several minutes before he found the courage to look his brother in the eyes, relieved to see Raph still staring at the wall. “Raph… I—“_

_“It was just a dream.”_

_It wasn’t though. It was real. It happened. Raph almost died. Because of him. “But I… I should’ve… I didn’t mean—“_

_“Wasn’t your fault. I volunteered. And I’d do it again.”_

_The younger tensed, gripping his legs tighter. Even the thought of going through all that again made Mikey want to curl into his shell and die. He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t watch Raph—_

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare kick off without me!”

“Wake up, Raph. Wake up! We need you!”

“NO! He’s not gone! I can fix this, I can save him!”

“Raphael, my son…”

“RAPH!”

_Mikey turned into his brother’s embrace, listening for the constant rhythm of a heartbeat he’d probably always fear disappearing._

_“I’m sorry!”_

_“It was just a dream, Mikey.” The younger glanced up once more to find Raph staring down at him with an empathetic glare. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”_

_Not while Raph was there._

_Mikey shot his arms around his brother, gripping him tight as several tears spilled down his cheeks. And for once, Raph didn’t flinch at the embrace but leaned into it, wrapping his other arm around the younger turtle._

_“I love you big bro.” Mikey’s words were muffled by his brother’s shoulder._

_But Raph heard them and wasn’t expecting how much it meant to hear them. His heart jerked and pulled, making his eyes water with tears that he was quick to force away. What was it about his brothers telling him they actually cared that made him want to blubber all over the place?_

_Pulling the young turtle closer, Raph felt Mikey relax even more into the hug. No more words were exchanged between the two. No more were needed. They stayed like that for close to an hour as Mikey’s crying faded, his fears completely disappearing in the presence of his older brother, as they always did. It wasn’t long before the tired turtle was fast asleep in his brother’s arms, a slight relaxed smile on his face. Raph grumbled something about drool before tucking the younger into bed again._

_Stupid Mikey. He shouldn’t feel guilty for Raph protecting him, that was his job. Placing a hand on Mikey’s shoulder, both for comfort and to reassure himself his brother was entirely conked out, Raph sighed a long breath. “…I love you too, Mikey.” It felt stupid to say it even when he knew no one could hear._

_As he headed for the door to go and check on his other siblings—not that he was worried, he just wanted to make sure they were all getting sleep, that’s all—Raph heard Mikey shift so he was splayed all over the bed, a light snore slipping from his nose. He smiled to himself._

_“Idiot.”_

 

* * *

 

As Leo sank further into his brother’s support, Raph took another look at the grimace in his face as sweat continued to drip down his neck. He was hurting more than he let on. “You sure you’re OK?”

Leo nodded, gesturing toward the couch. “Just need to rest a bit.” As Raph lowered him to the cushions, Mikey walked into the room and paled almost instantly at the sight of his brother looking hurt.

“Leo!” He was by his brother’s side in a flash, worry in his eyes where it didn’t belong. “You OK? What happened!? I’ll go get Donnie!”

“Mikey, wait.” He reached for his baby brother, noting how slow his own reaction time still was. “I’m fine, just tired. No need to bother Don.”

Mikey didn’t look convinced. “Your shoulder’s turning purple, dude.”

Both Raph and Leo looked to the area and were surprised to see it bruising. Leo placed a hand over it to ease his brother’s worry; it was probably just agitation from his fall.

“Maybe we should get Don.” Raph said, eyeing Leo’s shoulder with a twinge of worry.

“It’s fine. Really. I think Don’s finally resting, we shouldn’t—“

“I’ll go get him!”

“No, Mikey! Don’s—“ Mikey had just turned to rush to the lab when their taller sibling suddenly showed up behind him.

“Don’s what?” He asked, eyeing his brothers curiously.

“It’s nothi—“

“Leo’s shoulder’s hurt!” Mikey cut in fretfully.

“It’s not hurt, I just—“

“It’s turning purple. You should probably take a look at it Don.” Raph agreed.

“No, he doesn’t need to—“

“You were in the dojo again!?” Don had removed Leo’s hand and only needed one look to know what his brother was up to. He gently prodded Leo’s shoulder to assess how much damage had been done, mentally preparing a chastisement of epic proportions.

“I was just walking through some katas.” Leo tried to explain himself. “Nothing extreme, I promise.”

“Your body isn’t ready for that kind of movement, Leo. I told you to stay out of the dojo!”

“Yeah dude, you need to take it easy! “ Mikey added his two cents, peering over Don to look at his brother’s injury.

“Guys, I’m—“

“It ain’t like he was doin’ back flips.” Raph tried to defend.

“Any kind of strain is too much right now.” Don wasn’t backing down.

“Guys—“

“It’s been six months, Donnie. You can’t keep him tied to a bed forever.”

“Just because you think you can punch your way to recovery, doesn’t mean Leo should.”

“Guys…“ Leo rolled his eyes as he was continually ignored by his brothers.

“I’m with Don on this one, dude.” Mikey jumped in. “There’s such a thing as too much practice.”

“Of course you’d agree.” Raph crossed his arms. “Lazy-Bones Magee here’ll agree to anything that means less practice.”

“Guys!”

Mikey cocked an eye at the name. “Lazy-Bones Magee?”

“Raph, don’t pick on Mikey. We’re focused on—“

“GUYS!” Leo’s authoritative voice finally pierced the banter, bringing all attention to him. “I’m fine. My shoulder’s fine. I wasn’t training, I was just testing a few things to see if I was ready to be back out on patrol.” He said calmly, replying to each of their concerns in turn.

A long moment of silence passed before Mikey finally voiced his worry. “So you’re… going back out there?”

“’Course we’re goin’ back out there.” Raph interjected. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Because you both nearly died.” Don’s tone had turned grim, almost angry that Raph kept ignoring that fact.

“So what, you two can go out on patrol, but we gotta stay home and twiddle our thumbs? Come on, Don! We’ve been through stuff like this before! Never stopped us then, why would it—“

“This was different.” Don exchanged a knowing glance with Mikey. “It’s never been this close.”

Raph felt a churning in his gut that warned him not to take his protests too far; Don and Mikey had had it rough while Leo and himself were out of commission, and with both finally coming out of their shells the past few weeks, he didn’t want to scare them away with a fight.

But still, “Quittin’ is exactly what Shredder would want.”

The ill of the room grew as Don and Mikey’s eyes found the floor.

Don eventually sighed. “With Shredder gone, there’s bound to be a war for his turf. The Purple Dragons weren’t content with what they had when Shredder was around. …Things could get rough.”

“We can’t leave the city to deal with that alone.” Mikey agreed. “They’re gonna need us, dudes. All of us.” He gave Don a helpless shrug; looks like he agreed with Raph.

“I suppose it would be prudent to go together. Strength in numbers and all...” Don nodded timidly, still not entirely sold on his brothers throwing themselves into danger again.

“Damn straight!” Raph barked, pounding a fist into his palm. He couldn’t wait to get back to beating thugs and busting heads.

“Alright! The bros are back and ready to kick some shell!” Mikey’s eyes were alight with excitement at the idea of going topside after so much time in the lair. “With Raph’s muscle, Donnie’s brains, Leo’s leadership, and my good looks, we’ll be unstoppa—“

“I won’t be leading.”

The silence of the room was as sudden as car crash, all eyes staring at the eldest with shock and worry. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Leo breathed deep, swallowing his own reluctance. He’d talked with Sensei several times over the past few months and both agreed this was for the best, for the team and the family. And he wasn’t going to back out now just because the words fought to stay in his mouth. “As I said, I was testing myself earlier, and the results were as expected. My balance, my strength, my agility, everything was off. At my current level…” He paused, having to force himself to keep speaking. “…I’d only be a burden to you guys out there.”

“But you’ll get better!” Mikey spate, suddenly terrified by the idea that Leo wouldn’t be with them. “You just need time to get your strength up and you’ll be back to normal in no time!“

“This is normal, Mikey. My arm is gone. And nothing can change that.” He saw all three brothers flinch at his words, but carried on. He had to get through this before pride won out and he took everything back. “It’s going to take time to get used to… to get my skill back up. Maybe I’ll be able to get to where I was before, maybe I won’t. But I don’t want to hold you three back because of my inadequacies.” He saw Mikey about to interject again and quickly continued. “I’m not giving up. I’m still going to train, I’ll still go on patrol, and I’ll still do what I can to support you. But something like this…” He reached over and held his stumped shoulder again. “…It’s a distraction. It’ll take a lot of focus to adapt, and as leader, that’s not something I can spare.” He gulped down bitter regret as he spoke his next words, extremely careful not to allow too much emotion to show through. “My negligence has already cost us dearly. I won’t allow it to happen again.” Even if that meant giving up the mantle of leadership.

The younger turtles remained silent, fighting between facial expressions of disappointment, denial, and urgency, all clearly wanting to protest. They didn’t blame him for what happened, and weren’t satisfied with the idea that he felt inadequate, but as much as Leo wanted to accept their understanding and move on as though nothing happened, he couldn’t. A leader learned from his mistakes and did what was necessary to avoid repetition, and that’s what he was trying to do now.

It hurt to admit to himself, but this was best. This kept his brothers safe.

He turned to Raph, noting the glare in his features. He was definitely angry. “You’re being unusually quiet.”

Raph growled his annoyance. “I can’t believe you’re quittin’. The Leo I know would take this as a challenge and train until it wasn’t a problem anymore. Probably enjoy doing it, too.”

“I said I’m not quitting. I’ll still be with you guys, I’m just… taking a step back.” He eyed all three siblings, trying to gauge their understanding. “I’ll train with you and go on patrol and back you up in any way I can, but Raph’ll be the one giving the orders.”

The red-banded ninja snapped his eyes to meet Leo’s. Did he hear that right? “What!?”

“You’re in charge.” Leo nodded, almost enjoying the flabbergasted look on Raph’s face.

“But I—“

“You’re skilled, strong, commanding, and can even be strategic when you stop fighting long enough to think.”

“I think that was a compliment?” Mikey loudly whispered to Don who shook his head.

“I’ve already talked with Sensei and he agrees that you’re the one to take over.” Standing from the couch, Leo placed his hand on Raph’s shoulder, speaking with as much earnest confidence as he could. “Congratulations, Raphael. You deserve this.”

With that, he left the room, attempting not to hobble as he found his balance walking. Leo honestly believed Raph would be a good leader. A great leader. But he couldn’t deny that part of him that wanted Raph to fail just so he could feel necessary to the team. After all, if Leo wasn’t leader, what was he?

But he refused to give in to that voice. He was proud of his brother.

Raph would make a great leader. Leo was sure of it.

As Leo exited, he left three shocked turtles behind, all standing around trying to wrap their heads around what just happened.

“…Congratulations.” Donnie cleared his throat, trying to offer sincere encouragement, despite his worry.

“Yeah dude!” Mikey slammed his hand against Raph’s shell in a congratulatory pat. Leo would still be with them, so what was there to worry about? “You earned it! You’ll be a great leader!”

“Yeah…” Raph continued to stare after Leo, shock still pounding away at his mind. Not that this wasn’t something he’d always wanted, but he felt cheap taking it from his brother. Leo’d lost his arm protecting the three of them, and now Raph was taking his place because of it… he felt like a thug stealing from a cripple. “Thanks.”

He had no idea how to lead. What the shell was he supposed to do now?

“Thanks a lot, Leo…”

 

* * *

 

_Five months, and everything was returning to normal._

_Mikey and Don’s bandages were removed, leaving small marks behind that weren’t obvious to the eye. Even Mikey’s plastron had healed well enough to barely notice the paled yellow scar that crawled across his front._

_Leo and Raph’s injuries were slower to heal, but that was to be expected. Especially when both seemed adamantly against resting as much as they should. Leo had only been allowed out of bed a month ago, and Mikey still followed him around, making sure to force him to sit if he looked tired or ill. But despite setbacks, both older siblings were on the mend, and that was enough for now._

_Five months, and everything was returning to normal. Except it wasn’t._

_Don and April stood in the med bay, folding blankets and putting away tools, making sure everything was cleaned and ready should it need to be used again._

_If Don never set foot in that room again, it’d be too soon._

_After everything that had happened, he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to move on. And he was entirely certain he never wanted to have to play doctor to his brother’s injuries ever again. He was happy to help them, of course, and overjoyed they were all safe. But after Raph… after Leo… he wasn’t sure he could ever hold a medical instrument to his brothers with any amount of confidence anymore._

_It was his fault. Everything. Raph nearly died. And then Leo—_

“Hold him still!” Don cried in frustration as Leo thrashed beneath Raph and Casey’s hands.

“We’re trying not to hurt him!” Casey deflected, annoyance masking the nausea crawling up his stomach. There was so much blood…

“Stop trying and hold him!” Don set his eyes back on Leo’s shoulder where his saw had only just begun to cut. Even in deep unconsciousness, Leo was feeling this.

No other way. Had to keep going.

“Please, I need him as still as—“

“We got him Don. Just do it and do it fast.” Raph’s voice was so steady, Don couldn’t help but stare at him. How was he so calm?

Inhaling deep to steady his hands, Don gripped the saw once more. “I’m sorry Leo.” He pressed deep into his brother’s flesh, trying to work as fast as he could.

Leo screamed.

_Don dropped the tray of tools he’d been carrying to the cabinet, sending a large crash echoing through the room. He looked down at his hands and could almost swear he saw blood on them. Still. Always. He shook his head, bending to pick up the tools when he noticed his hands shaking. He couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t steady them. Couldn’t make it go away._

_He felt the calm of April’s hand cover his own and turned to see her staring at him with sympathetic warmth. Silently, wordlessly, she cupped her hand on his cheek, slowing the panic that was racing through his veins, before turning to pick up the tools. Don could only sit and stare at the floor, breathing meditatively to get a grip on himself._

_Thank God for April._

_“Everything alright?”_

_Don nearly jumped at hearing Leo’s voice enter the room. He quickly stood, busying himself with tools on an opposite counter so his shell stayed to his brother._

_“It was my bad.” April covered. “Butter fingers. No harm done.” She saw Leo staring at his brother’s shell, worry in his eyes. This had to stop. “How are you feeling, Leo?_

_“Better everyday.” He offered a small smile before drifting his gaze back to Donnie who was still occupying himself with tools. Still ignoring him._

_“Good.” April followed Leo’s eyes and sighed silently. “I’m going to find Casey, make sure he and Raph are remembering to take it easy.”_

_“It’s a losing battle, April.”_

_“Tell me about it.” Walking to the door, she gave Leo a pleading look before glancing at Donnie once more. He nodded his understanding._

_As April left, Leo turned back to his younger brother, staring at his shell. The tension in the air was palpable. Drawing in a deep breath and releasing it slowly, the elder turtle moved further into the room. “Donnie?”_

_But Don didn’t move, even keeping his voice as distant and measured as possible. “I keep the pain killers in the top cupboard to your left, if that’s what you’re looking for.”_

_“Actually, I was hoping you could take a look at my shoulder. I think I may have pulled it open a bit.”_

_That at least got his attention. Don glanced over his shoulder to study his brother’s injury, able to see the tear along the scar tissue even from a distance. “You were in the dojo, weren’t you?” His chastising tone received a helpless shrug from his brother. “Sit.” Don sighed, grabbing up some gauze, stitches, and bandages, and pulled a stool over to sit next to his brother._

_Silence filled the room as he wordlessly cleaned the tear in Leo’s skin._

“Raph, Casey, keep him down!" 

“He’s awake, Don! He’s—“

“Just hold him down!”

_Leo’s screams echoed in Don’s ears as he sterilized the shoulder with gentle hands. “Should I even bother to tell you you’re not ready for training yet? Or will you ignore me like Raph’s been doing?”_

_“I was only testing my balance. Nothing strenuous.”_

_“Uh-huh.” Both fell back into silence as Don worked. Minutes stretched on as Leo sat still, making no sound while his brother re-stitched his shoulder._

_Don could hear Leo’s haggard breathing from pushing himself in the dojo. When would his brothers learn that his instructions were for their own health, not his amusement? Finishing his task, Don covered the shoulder with gauze and wrapped it once again. “Should heal fine. But no more training or I swear I’ll chain you to this bed.”_

_Another long pause followed as Don removed his gloves, Leo sitting as though he was hesitant to leave. “You sure you don’t need any painkillers?” He asked, noting a look of pain pass through his brother’s features. Leo shook his head, eyes growing serious as he looked to his shoulder._

_“I made you fix it.” He finally managed to say. “I failed, and I made you fix it. I always make you fix it…”_

_Don froze when he heard the guilt in his brother’s voice._

_“You did what was necessary, Donnie. No one blames you for that.” No one should. Leo was the one that failed. Donnie was just patching his mistakes. But Don’s eyes stared at the floor, a droop in his shoulders where the guilt sat, heavy and unyielding._

_“I…” He didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to say it out loud. But Leo was actually opening up to him, and Don didn’t want to let the opportunity pass by. “I left you behind…And your arm—"_

_“Necessary.” Leo insisted. “It wasn’t your fault.”_

_“Leo…” Don couldn’t accept that. Wanted to, so badly wanted to, but how could he?_

_“I’m sorry.” The apology made Don glance at his older brother curiously. “I’m sorry I made you fix it…” Sorry to dump that heavy burden on his younger brother. “But you don’t have to carry it alone.”_

_“I can’t… it’s not…”_

_Leo suddenly brought his hand behind his brother’s head, pulling him close so their foreheads were touching. He had no idea why, other than he knew Don needed to feel the truth in his words. “You’re not alone, Don. We’re all here. Let us help.”_

_Don couldn’t feel his feet anymore. The room, the screaming memories, the fear, it all disappeared in an instant as he stood, head to his brother’s, feeling a strength of heart he’d been so terrified had died in that awful prison. Words failed._

_Releasing his brother and standing from the table, Leo attempted a gentle rotation of his shoulder as Don quietly turned, wiping the tear from his cheek he hadn’t noticed had fallen._

_Without a word, Leo headed for the door. Don felt panic rise in his throat; he should say something. Talk to Leo! Tell him anything—everything! Before he’s gone… before— “Leo, wait!” His brother paused, but didn’t turn around. Don fumbled for words before sighing in surrender. “I can’t just let it go. Everything that happened… everything I did… I can’t... I just—“_

_“I know, Don. It’ll take time. But whenever you’re ready, we’re here.” He turned to offer an understanding smile. “We’re not going anywhere.”_

_Don watched his brother leave and felt his heart churn rapidly, Leo’s words of comfort still rattling around in his brain, trying to break through the barrier of condemnation he’d built for himself the past few months. Were his mistakes really worth walling himself away from the family he was so fortunate to still have?_

_He covered his eyes, closing away the tears that wanted to fall. “I’m sorry…”_

_Not alone. He wasn’t—Would never be._

_A small, grateful smile tugged at his lips as he leaned against the counter._

_“Thank you.” For giving his brothers back._

 

* * *

 

Leo sat on the couch in the main room, enjoying a rare moment of solitude as he thumbed his way through a book. He hadn’t heard anything from his brothers in a while, and for once, that worried him. Normally during such tranquil moments, Leo would be begging the universe to let it last a while longer, but right now he’d happily have his solitude interrupted by a shout from Raph or a prank from Mikey or the clanging of Don tinkering away in his lab.

Interesting how nearly losing your family can make you desperate for the things that bothered you the most about them. He was sure it wouldn’t last, but that didn’t make it any less enjoyable now.

Sighing as he accepted that his mind was still too jumbled for focusing on a book, Leo placed it down on the arm of the couch, reaching for the TV remote to possibly see what the Foot were up to, if anything. Shredder was supposedly gone, so it was entirely possible the Foot could be disbanding without their leader. Not likely, but possible. They’d been quiet these past few months, which was both a relief and a concern. If being leaderless kept them from perpetrating any crimes, then Leo would thank their lucky stars and not ask too many questions. But what if they were quiet because they were licking their wounds in anticipation of another fight? What if they were gearing up for retaliation against the death of their leader?

What if Shredder was still alive?

It was a thought that had haunted him since he’d found his mind after the infection left his body. Leo still had no idea how he’d made it out of the explosion, and try as he may, he couldn’t remember anything between his hand being caught and waking in the sewers. Whatever it was that saved him, there was the possibility that it had saved Shredder as well.

Their enemy could be plotting his revenge as they speak.

“This some new form of meditation?” Raph asked, coming up behind his older brother and nodding to the TV screen that remained black, despite the remote sitting in Leo’s hand.

Leo hadn’t realized he had yet to turn it on. “I was reading.”

“You wanna be alone?”

“No. I wouldn’t mind company.” Shifting on the couch so there was space enough for his brother beside him, Leo watched Raph fold his arms and stare at the spot a moment before finally taking it. “…You’re still angry.”

Raph huffed. “No.”

But the tone in his voice suggested otherwise. “I thought you’d be happy. Isn’t this something you’ve always wanted?”

“What the hell Leo? You can’t think I’m that much of an ass.”

“Not the situation,” He corrected. “I meant getting to be leader for a change. Isn’t it at least a little gratifying?”

“I guess.” Raph looked away to the blank TV. “Would’ve preferred to earn it, not get it by default.”

Leo shook his head. “You gave us the edge we needed to escape an impossible situation _and_ saved our brother’s lives. You’ve definitely earned it.”

“If you say so.” Though Raph still wasn’t entirely convinced he didn’t get the title simply for being second oldest. “I still can’t believe you’re just givin’ it up like that.”

“I made mistakes, now I have to live with the consequences.” Leo shrugged, still trying to make peace with it all. “As long as you guys are safe, that’s all matters to me.”

Sucking in a deep breath, Raph felt his stomach twisting in knots. That was all that mattered to him too, which is exactly what scared him. Turning to stare at the far wall—and look as far away from his brother as possible—he mumbled reluctantly. “I don’t… I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I don’t wanna screw it up and get them hurt. I couldn’t live with myself if…”

“You won’t.” Leo didn’t wait for his brother to finish. He knew those fears all too well. “Contrary to popular belief, you’re not a screw up.”

“Popular belief?” Raph turned sharply with a glare only to be met with a smile by his older brother, stopping his anger cold.

“You’re already a good leader, Raph. Protective, strong, dependable, you’ve got all the right qualities, you’ve just been stuck waiting for me to get out of your way.” Leo looked to the floor to hide the shame crossing his features. “Something I would’ve done sooner if it wasn’t for my own fears of inadequacy.”

“Inadequacy? You?” Raph gawked. Since when was Leo inadequate? At anything?

Leo shrugged. “If you became the great leader we all knew you could be, then I’d be irrelevant. Unnecessary.” Leo looked to the ceiling and sighed. “I guess I didn’t want to be left behind.”

To say Raph was shocked would be a grave understatement. His eyes were wide as he stared at his older brother, completely caught off guard by the entire conversation, compliments, confessions, and all. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

Leo grinned at the look on Raph’s face before shaking his head of it all. “In any case, I wouldn’t worry. Sensei, the guys, everyone knows you’ll do great.”

Raph had no words. All this time, Leo had been afraid Raph would be a better leader? It seemed way too ridiculous to be true, but as usual, Leo’s eyes were nothing if not honest. He meant it. Every word. And Raph suddenly felt guilty for all the times he’d ever wished Leo had never been made leader.

He was about to try and parse some words together when a grimace on his brother’s face made him pause in worry. “You alright?” He watched as Leo brought a hand to his shoulder. “I’ll go get Donnie.”

“No, it’s fine, it doesn’t hurt. I just…” He blew out a wry chuckle. “Took me a minute to remember why my hand hadn’t moved to your shoulder when I asked.”

Raph glanced to his brother’s missing limb, still unable to let go of the guilt from his part in taking it away. “You sure it’s alright?”

Leo nodded, noting the remorse in his brother’s face. Perhaps it was time to change the subject. “When are Casey and April coming?”

“Soon. Mikey’s been whinin’ about not eating pizza for months, so I think Case was gonna bring some.” And admittedly, Raph could go for a slice or two himself.

“If everyone’s gonna be here, maybe we could do a movie night. We haven’t had one of those in a long time.”

“Movie night?” Mikey’s voice suddenly appeared behind Leo, peeking over the back of the couch. “Dudes, YES!! Pizza and movies, the greatest combination since Mikey and nunchucks!”

Raph stuck a finger in his ear to rub away the noise, trying to hide how good it was to hear Mikey back to his usual energetic self. “Do you have any volume level below extremely annoying?”

“Pizza’s here!” Casey called, stealing Mikey’s attention away from the retort he’d been ready to fire.

“Finally!” The youngest turtle bound over to the two entering the lair, snatching a box from Casey’s full hands.

“Good thing we brought plenty.” April mumbled, turning her lip up at how Mikey practically drooled as he opened the box to smell the food inside.

“Leo says we’re having a movie night, you in?”

“Alright!” Casey dropped the remaining pizza’s on the table. “Dudes, NHL playoffs start tonight! Nothin’ like scarfin’ down some pies while watchin’ guys kill it on the ice!”

“Dude, what part of _movie_ night are you not understanding?”

“I think there’s a monster movie marathon on tonight.” April interjected, remembering the radio in the pizza shack saying something about it.

“Booyah! We have a winner!” Mikey shouted, turning to Casey for a high-five.

“Would Godzilla be playing in this marathon?” Splinter walked into the room, a smile on his face at hearing the lair so full of energy once more. “It is a favorite of mine.”

“Or Pacific Rim! Dudes, that movie’s da bomb! Giant robots fighting giant monsters, what more could you want!?”

April chuckled at Mikey’s enthusiasm. “I’ll check online.”

The group’s boisterous conversation wafted into the main room, drawing both Leo and Raph’s attention. “You better get over there if you want some pizza. I think Mikey’s already devoured—“

“You’re not irrelevant.”

Leo turned to find Raph staring at the far wall again, his arms tensing into a tighter fold.

“You not leadin’ doesn’t make you irrelevant. You’re still our big brother. We still need you. …I still…”

Even without Raph finishing his sentence, Leo felt his eyes widen in surprise. His mind drifted back to the memory that had helped him keep going back in the tunnels.

_“…We need you bro. I don’t know what we’d do if…”_

He nodded to himself. Raph was the right choice. “Thanks Raph.”

No more words needed to be said.

“Dudes! Turn on the TV! April says Pacific Rim is on first!” Mikey shouted, jumping around the couch with a mountain of pizza in one hand and a coke in the other, staking his claim to a spot on the floor in front of Leo. The others walked into the room wearing bemused expressions at Mikey’s ridiculous excitement, finding their own seats in a much less wild manner. Casey and April sat on the smaller couch adjacent to Raph, opting not to crowd the larger one with too many people, and Splinter took his usual spot in his chair.

Leo looked around at the group, enjoying the company more than he would ever let on, before noticing a key figure missing. He glanced at the door to Don’s lab, wishing he could go in there and talk his brother into joining them—it just wasn’t the same without him there to point out all the scientific fallacies—but he knew he shouldn’t. Don would come when he was ready. And he’d been less closed off in the weeks following their talk, so that was at least of comfort.

Leo caught Splinter’s knowing stare as he offered a nod of understanding, which Leo returned.

“Stole you some pizza before the endless vacuum over there sucked it all up.” Casey offered Raph the few slices in his hand before sitting to enjoy his own. “You should eat up. You’re lookin’ scrawny from all those months of lazin’ about.”

“Still strong enough to pound you into the ground.” Raph retorted, scarfing down the pizza with a hunger he hadn’t realized he had.

“Oh yeah? You wanna go a few rounds? Or can you even last that long?”

“Don’t push it Jones. I ain’t above handing you your ass just because you brought food.”

A toothy grin spread across Casey’s lips. “Twenty bucks says I could lay you out in less than five minutes.”

“Easiest money I ever—“

“Dudes, it’s starting!” Mikey interrupted, shushing the room. His eyes grew wide with excitement as he stared at the TV screen, shoving another slice of pizza into his mouth.

As the movie played, a content silence came over the group. Even though they’d been home for months now, this moment felt like the first time they’d come together and relaxed since the turtles first disappeared. It was a welcome reprieve, granting a sense of home and safety they’d been so desperate for months ago.

Mikey suddenly sat up, swatting Leo’s leg in excitement as he stared at the TV. “I love this part!”

But Leo hadn’t been paying attention to the movie. Despite his efforts to the contrary, his mind had wandered, wondering what the next few months would bring. Leadership was a load Leo had hoped Raph would never have to bear, and he couldn’t help but feel responsible for forcing such a weight on his brother’s shoulders. Raph could handle it, of that Leo had no doubt, but he shouldn’t have to. Not to mention, he hated—absolutely dreaded—the idea that he was going to be a burden on his family. If he wasn’t leading, what use was he?

_“You’re not irrelevant.”_

Leo tried to let his brother’s words wipe away his doubts. He may not be leading, but he would find a way not to be a burden. He would still keep his family safe.

Suddenly feeling the weight on the couch shift, Leo turned to find Donnie taking a seat next to him. Their eyes met briefly and Leo could see a light in Don’s that hadn’t been there in months.

Healing at last.

As Donnie sheepishly scooted further onto the couch, trying not to draw too much attention to himself lest he disturb the movie-watching experience, he offered a small smile to those who greeted him with welcoming looks. It felt like ages since he’d last hung out with his family, and after everything that had happened, it almost felt… strange. Like it was a privilege he shouldn’t be allowed.

His thoughts were interrupted by an offended grunt of annoyance from Raph as Mikey suddenly wedged himself into the small sliver of couch space left between his two eldest siblings. Leo looked to Raph, waiting for some sort of retaliation that would end with Mikey back on the floor, but was surprised when none came. The red-banded turtle only rolled his eyes, scooting as close to the arm of the couch as possible so as to give himself more space.

It took a while for Don to settle, still feeling as though he was out of place in this moment of peace. His mind was still at war with itself, still trying to process everything that had happened and come to terms with it. He’d made progress over the past few weeks, but it was still a battle to face the others. Still difficult forgiving himself.

Likely sensing his discomfort, Don felt Leo put a hand to his shoulder. A simple gesture, probably made without thought, and yet Don could feel it still his quarrelling emotions. Leader or not, his eldest sibling was a pillar of support, and Don would take every opportunity to lean on him from now on. Because he was here, and every rule of science said that he shouldn’t be.

Unwilling to spoil the moment with cheap words, Don simply smiled at his older brother, an honest, content smile that said it all: thank you.

Leo nodded, giving his brother’s shoulder one last pat before turning back to the TV. His body sank further into the couch, suddenly feeling more relaxed. As he glanced subtly around the room at his family, all more content to simply be in each other’s company than pay any attention to the movie, a smile tugged at the scars on his face.

At last... he had his family back.

The four turtles squished on the couch brought a light smile to April’s lips as she cuddled closer to Casey, wrapping his arms around her waist. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this happy, but she was certain not to take this moment for granted. She glanced at the brothers, taking note of the scars that now littered their bodies; a reminder of what almost happened. What was almost taken. Her eyes drifted to Leonardo and the burn scars marring the right side of his face and body.

_“Peace, quiet, and good company.”_

_“The best of company.”_

She closed her eyes, sighing in contentment as Casey absently laced his fingers around hers. Truly, the best of company.

A blanket of peace wrapped itself around the room, warming each of their spirits. Months of trials had finally come to an end and all were smiling as they shared the same thought:

It was good to be home.

 

* * *

 

As the night wore on, the turtles relaxed even more into the comfort of each other’s company, laughing and joking with one another in earnest for the first time since the incident. Such a good time was had by all that they stayed up late into the night, watching movies and recounting stories without caring about the numbers on the clock.

At some point, Splinter excused himself to go to bed, falling asleep to the sounds of his children laughing and bickering in playful tones. He slept soundly that night, better than he had in months. But he was asleep much earlier than normal, and consequently awoke before the sun even rose in the sky the next morning.

His body feeling fully rested, Splinter got up and headed to kitchen for his morning tea. As he walked into the living room, he found a sight that warmed his heart and fed his soul: his boys, asleep on the couch together, with April and Casey dozing on the adjacent sofa. Leonardo slept in the middle, his head tilted back over the couch, Raphael’s shell and Donatello’s head resting on each of his shoulders, leaning on him for support, and Michelangelo stretched across all three, using Raphael’s lap as a pillow.

The four looked so peaceful. So whole. Splinter couldn’t help the joy that spread warmth to every corner of his spirit.

“Goodnight, my sons. Sleep well.”

He walked over to the television, turning off the forgotten screen and moved to stand next to his children. Taking one last glance at the figures sleeping on the couches, Splinter couldn’t help the memory that resurfaced, smiling to himself as he took stock of the light smile that played on his eldest’s lips.

“You were right, my son.” He spoke softly, caressing Leonardo’s head with his paw. “As long as we are together…”

We’ll be OK.

 

* * *

 

In a secret hideout at the heart of the city, the Foot gathered to discuss their options. With Shredder gone and the Purple Dragons knocking at the door to their turf, uncertainty had spread through the ranks like wildfire. Some wanted to flee, others cried for retaliation for the death of their master.

Chaos was sure to follow.

“We should elect a new leader. Someone has to take over.”

“No, revenge comes first! We find the turtles and destroy them, as Master Shredder would want!”

“For all we know, the turtles are already dead. The ship was destroyed, as was the complex—How could they have escaped?”

“How do we proceed without our Master? Who could possibly fill his shoes?”

Thunder shook the ground as a hole appeared in the room, lighting dancing around it in endless circles. The entire compound froze in awe.

“The turtles live. Of that, you can be sure. We will destroy them when the time is right. As for leadership…”

Karai stepped forth from the black hole, a dark smile in her eyes as she stood tall amongst her subjects. “There is no need to fill your Master’s shoes.”

The sound of heavy boots brought another figure through the portal, it’s presence dark and commanding. It stepped into view, forcing every ninja into a low bow of respect with but a look. Karai smiled wickedly.

“Shredder lives.”


End file.
